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> Jet's Universe, A mysterious mystery that's mysteriously black. And Steven.
Post #1

I'm very concerned.

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post Jan 28 2017, 03:46 PM
So, given that I was growing slightly overwhelmed by the overly sex-saturated Batman fanfic A Rose By Any Other Name, I have decided to interchangeably mock this fanfic on the side, in hopes that it will give me a breath of fresh air before I dive back into the aforementioned orgy pit.

This is Jet's Universe, a Steven Universe fanfic written by the author InsaneGuy2010. What specifically drew me to this one was the fact of its tame summary, entirely no reviews to give me an impression of it, and the apparent intent of pushing a self-insert-smelling OC through the canon from the very beginning of the show. While I do enjoy the show, Iím not above picking fun at it when possible, which may help me through the authorís intended plot line.

So, let's see if it will impact the canon, or if it is as many other stories where the existence of a self-insert author avatar is completely inconsequential. Hereís Chapter 1, Part 1.

This is a story that has been eating me up for some time now and I've decided to write about it.

I know, a hiatus will make us all do some crazy shit, man.

This story bear some similarities to the actual show but with slight changes. I do hope you enjoy it though. By the way, this story does contain an original character.

Really? By that title I would never have guessed, genius.

Chapter 1

Gem Glow

Beach City, a city like no other,

Ocean Town, Surf City, Sea City, Bay Burg, Aqua Town, how could any of them even dare to compare?

was just another town that the traveler Jet was stopping by. Jet was a mysterious being with light brown skin and jet black eyes. He stood at around 5 feet, 11 inches and he has an afro to boot. The fro was one of his many traits from his father that Jet was pride of.

While being mysterious, youíre sounding an awful lot like a stereotype already.

He was wearing a trench coat, black slacks and black tennis shoes. He was shirtless, so his abs was viewable to the naked eye. Jet was a seventeen year old high school drop out and traveling was one of his many passions.

So heís a talentless, fashion-blind vagrant. The mystery must be why I should even remotely care.

Jet was drawn to Beach City because of the many rumors he heard about mysterious beings popping all over the place. This was Jet speciality because Jet was a Gem hunter. The reason Jet is a Gem Hunter is because Jet, himself is a half Gem, half human.

And already Iím confused and questioning how much this author is warping this universe. Fine, letís roll with it. Iím assuming his mother was an imagined gem, Black Quartz, just to keep with the theme.

His mother was a gem and his father, human. Jet also has his mother's gem stone and she had escaped the Gem War before it had a chance to started. Thousands of years later, she meet Jet's father, Maxwell.

Escaped? Before it started? Iíd hate to rule a dichotomy, but thereís literally no reason sheíd be unaffiliated with Homeworld if not being a Crystal Gem.

Jet remember his father telling him that his mother was a figure of beauty with long jet black her and piercing red eyes. Jet also remembered his father telling him that his mother stood at 6 feet, 10 inches while he was 5 feet, 7 inches.

But by the drooling expression his dad had each time he mentioned that precise detail, Jet suspected a few indulgent inches had been added over the years.

His father told him that when he first approached his mother, she was afraid and quite hostile. Only after helping her get over her fearfulness (of Earth and where she was at the time) she begun to open up to Maxwell.

A towering gem afraid of humans and the Earth itself after millennia of being there? What, did Maxwell introduce himself as Murdercock the Black?

Jet always smiled upon her that story but now days he only let a small smirk form on his face.

Because earning those kewl points demands his face does nothing else.

He was currently making his way to a small building called the Big Donut and decided to make is way into the compound. As soon as he made his way inside, heard a kid cry out.

"Nooooooo!" the kid cried out. "This can't be happening! This has to be a dream!"

Iím afraid not, kid. The Marty Stu has been established and injected into the source material. Abandon all hope.

The kid was wearing a pink shirt with an orange star in the middle.

Itís a red shirt with a golden star, author, what whack saturation is your TV set to?

The kid was also wearing blue jeans and pink sandles to boot. He also is sporting curly hair. "Lars, please tell me I'm dreaming!" The kid went to hug a taller kid by the waist.

"Get off me, man! I'm stocking here!" Lars said, as he was carrying a box of donuts. Lars, the tall kid, is wearing a purple shirt with a donut in the center of it and a long sleeved, white sweater underneath it. He's also wearing dark blue pants and light blue shoes.

This grating and immediate attention to clothing detail is probably going to wear me thin. Itís like bad fanfic authors think that the only way to describe someone is by what they wear. How about noting Larsí ridiculous earlobe tunnels that several people on the show could put their hand through?

Jet raised an eyebrow at the situation that was happening and decide to ignore the whole ordeal. He made his way to the counter, were a short, but pretty girl was behind it.

"Hi, Welcome to the Big Donut! What can I get for you?" She greeted. Jet notice that she has blond hair and that she was wearing a shirt similiar to Lars'.

Both of these features had been completely obscured to him upon noticing how pretty she was despite being short.

"Do situations like this always happen?" Jet pointed at the kid, who was trying to get Lars attention. The girl chuckled a bit.

"Not often." She said, trying to ignore the situation herself. Jet was looking at the menu, trying to decided what he wanted.

Any chance you could order up a grammar lesson or two?

"Two glazed donuts... umm... sorry, I didn't catch your name." Jet said, as the girl went to fetch him his donuts.

"It's Sadie," She said as she placed a bag on the counter. " That'll be 2 dollars." Jet reached in the back of his pants and grabbed his wallet. He handed her a 5 dollar bill. She grabbed it and give him his change.

Riveting money-for-goods-and-services action that will have you at the edge of your seat. Just wait, youíll be blown away when he calculates her tip.

"Thank you, Ms. Sadie" Jet said, as he grabbed his bag. Jet saw that there where tables in the establishment so he decided that he would eat in for once. His eyes shifted on the kid, there was something odd about him that Jet couldn't figure out.

It was the way Stevenís body kept going off model and his height never quite seemed to stay the same.

Jet could sense that there was hidden potential inside the kid but he couldn't figure out what that was. Sadie and the kid started talking and Jet heard something about 'Cookie Cat' that caught his attention.

"Sorry, Steven. I guess they stop making them" Sadie said, showing a small frown on her face.

ĒThat was five years ago, actually. Turns out the preservatives were as rare as they were illegal.Ē

"Why in the world would they stop making cookie cats?" Steven asked. "There only the most delicous ice cream sandwiches ever made!" Jet faced palm when he heard that.

'This kid is making a fuss... over ice cream sandwiches?' Jet thought, as he watched Steven talked on and on about the awesomeness that was cookie cat.

Yeah, how dare he. Kids like him should express more concern about politics, taxes and illegal immigrants. Why wonít you just let a kid be a kid, author?

"Well," Lars started. " If you miss your wimpy ice cream so much... why don't you make some with your magic belly button?" Lars started to laugh at this. Jet was really paying attention to the conversation that was going on in front of him.

He could just not wait for the chubby little boy to show some skin.

"That's not how it works Lars!" Steven shouted, as he lifted up hs shirt to reveal a gem. Jet cautiously reached behind his back, ready to strike if this kid proved to be a threat. Jet's gem is located on his upper back, between his shoulder blades. Speaking of blades, Jet's gem weapon is a blade, a magical katana that he proudly yeilds. He can summon two of them if the situation calls for it but he only ever needs one.

So, author, youíre expositing yourself some imaginary, edgy and clichť weapon-porn, by letting your evidently lone and untrained Gem Hunter - who at most must have come across corrupt gems - be so mysteriously incapable of recognizing precisely the same half-gem, half-human hybrid as he himself is. And heís doing so even after noticing Steven has some hidden potential, of which no other before must have displayed. Contrivances or shitty writing aside, your OC is an idiot.

Steven let out a sigh and let he shirt fall back down. He started to walk over to where the cookie cat freezer was located and started to kiss the freezer.

The comedy isnít going to work if you leave out the actual dialogue, author. Youíre making Steven sound as if heís treating that thing like a body-pillow.

Jet (now with his guard lowered), Sadie, and Lars had their eyebrows raised at the gesture. Sadie was the first to speak.

"Um, Steven?" She started to ask. "Do you wanna take the freezer with you?" Steven nodded. Sadie help strap the freezer on to Steven's back and with it secured, Steven started to hum and make his way out of the shop.

Iíd hum too, if I had just used pity to score a storeís novelty freezer. Was that even legal?

"Doesn't take much to make him happy, huh?" Jet said, watching Steven make his way up a hill. Sadie smiled and notice that Jet was watching Steven the entire time.

Creepy or endearing, itís a single word away from either one, author.

"You're not from around here, are you?" Sadie asked. Jet stood up to throw his bag away. He had just finished his last donut. He started to make his way up to the counter, which made Sadie a little nervous.

The manís intimidating afro and reckless disregard for the Ďno shirt Ė no serviceí sign had already made her contemplate calling the cops.

"No, I'm not." He said, resting his back toward the counter. Sadie backed up a little. Jet noticed this and smiled a little. "Relax, Ms. Sadie. I'm not that kind of guy.

Indulge me, author, what sort of guy is your pretend-cool and edgy self-insert saying he isnít, while you are seemingly having him acting like one? Iím genuinely confused here.

I'm just a traveler, more of a loner really. My dad passed a way a few months ago and I guess I'm running to escape that reality. I'm following my mothers wishes as well..." Sadie started to get a little teary eyed as Jet was explaining his situation to her. Sad Stories always made her teary eyed.

Oh, fuck you, author. You couldnít get anyone to tear up that fast even if you stuffed their eyes with chopped onions. Harvest your pity points somewhere else, you life-story vomiting hack.

"Steven's a little special, isn't he? He reminds me of my younger self a liitle."

You just criticized him six ways to Sunday for all he did by virtue of being a young kid, you hypocrite.

Jet walked out the shop and outside Jet felt a familar presence. He turned the corner and Steven was there talking to a short woman with purple-like skin and plump lips. Jet noticed that she was wearing a purple tank top and black leggings. Her hair was also white and Jet knew that she was a gem, as her gem was shown a little on her chest. Jet decided to speak to them.

Oh, youíre not going to ready your weapon and consider Amethyst a threat, or does the author only fantasize about katanas once per chapter? And how the heck can her presence feel familiar and then not alarm you, oh mysterious Gem Hunter?

"Hey, um... Steven, was it?" Jet spoke, the two of them looking at him. "My name is Jet. I'm the guy who was in the donut shop earlier." Steven went to shake Jet's hand.

"Hi, Jet." Steven said. "This is Amethyst. We're the crystal gems. I'm sure you've heard of us."

ĒWeíre number one in private property damages.Ē

Jet raised an eyebrow at that statement. He eyed Amethyst who was busy munching on a donut.

"Crystal Gems, eh?" Jet said, eyes still on Amethyst. "Can't say I've heard of them. Are all of them as pretty as her?" He pointed at Amethyst.

Are you sure you donít want to ask if all of them are just as short as her, Jet?

She appearantly heard that and started to choke on her donut a little. She regained her composure rather quickly though. She was looking at Jet with a blush clearly intacted.

Bad grammar, canít spell, watches this show, focuses on beauty and flatter to earn affection at the first mention thereof. I wish I could say this guy is thirteen years old, but he attempted and failed to write his first lemon in 2010.

Jet smirked at that then let out a sigh. He decided to reveal that he was a gem as well. He might as well, he felt as though he could trust them.

"So, you guys are gems?" Jet stated, as he took off his trenchcoat. Amethyst started to blush a little more at the sight she was seeing.

The Hello Kitty tattoos on his now exposed shoulders were just that embarrassing.

Steven was staring in ancipation, wondering what was happening.

Usually he had to pay male strippers to get this far. Okay, Iím starting to get creeped out by how easy this author lets me inject jokes like these into his fanfic.

Jet turned around and he heard the both of the gasp. Jet's black gemstone started to glow.

I called it. Any blacker and I might not be able to hold back the racial jokes anymore.

"He's a gem, too!" Steven shouted wth excitement. Amethyst was shocked, she really didn't know how to respond at the moment. Jet turned around, grabbed his trench coat and put it back on.

"Let me tell you folks a little about myself," Jet started.

No need, really. I mean, why would the author bother telling us your backstory in the opening, if you were just going to let us sit through it yet again?

Steven and Amethyst looked at Jet with anticpation. Amethyst was a little on the hesitate side because she was thinking that he was a homeworld gem. "My mother fled homeworld before the Gem Wars started and she meet my father thousands of years later. In short, I'm half human, half gem."

Ixnay on the omeworldhay, buddy. Steven hasnít even been told that the monsters he fights are Gems, yet. Your incredibly lackluster exposition needs a spoiler label.

"Like me!" Steven shouted with excitement. "You're just like me!" Jet eyes widen in shock. He knew Steven was special but to be a half human, half gem, he was not expecting that. Amethyst was in shock after hearing Jet's explaination and she decided that she had to let the others know. She didn't think of Jet as a threat, she just figured that Garnet and Pearl would like to know that there's another half human, half gem other than Steven that's here.

Neat, maybe they can get some hints on how to treat Steven as the alien hybrid he is. Or is the author just going to make this coincidence an excuse for them to gush and fawn over his self-insert persona?

"So," Jet started, his attention shifting to Amethyst. "What kind of weapon do you have? Can you show me what you can do?" Amethyst smiled and pulled a whip from her gem, she then proceed to strike the dumpster in half with one clean swipe. Lars happened to walk by right after, a trash bag clearly in his hand.

"Ahh!" Lars shouted as he dropped the bag, "Again?"

Sorry, are Pearl and Garnet currently fighting off Centipeetle's spawn back at the beach house, or did Jet just black out for an hour inside the Big Donut before ending up in this out-of-context, canon rip-off shit?

Jet raised an eyebrow at Steven and Amethyst, as they were clearly walking away from the incident.

Later on that day, Jet decided to take a walk on the beach.

Wow, okay, oh man, this lack of logic hits like a sledgehammer each and every time. What is going on? This must be the possibly first chance Jet has to meet and converse with other not corrupted Gems, unless he hunts those too. He also met the one and only other half-gem in existence, whom he never expected to meet in his entire life, obviously. And what does this thoughtless, self-absorbed moron do? Bugger off somewhere to scratch his ass on standby until something new happens!!

He decided that since he didn't see anything strange (besides Steven and Amethyst) he was going to leave Beach City that evening.

You canít fool me, author. Jet has his ignorant head up his ass like this because you want him to not lose his Ďlonerí status while still ending up joining the Crystal Gems.

He continued walking until he heard the sound of rumbling.

'What in the world?' Jet thought as he was trying to locate the source of the rumbling. His attention turned to a temple that nestled on a hill.

You have to either be right below it or out to sea to see it, shithead. And you were going to just up and leave while having that thing in plain view, too? Does this author even watch the show?

He also noticed that Steven headed there earlier so that must've been Steven's place of residence.

Jet took off in the temple's direction. He was a little excited, as he might have the chance to get in on some action.

Youíre probably just some confused kid with a body-mod gemstone, a modern Don Quixote, who has been fighting off lawn mowers or industrial machinery while calling himself a Gem Hunter.

He was in mere meters when he seen a lady who appears to have an afro, wearing an assertment of red, black and pink colored gorments.

Evidently, the lack of spelling and grammar isnít just from mere typos any longer. Iím starting to see why your obvious self-insert is a high school dropout, author. I pity you that you actually think thatís a character trait you want to advertise through your personal fantasies.

She also appeared to be wearing sun glasses of some sort. He saw her jump on the roof and kicked a gaint, centipede-looking monster. Jet was really excited now.

And Iím really depressed at the realization that I might be picking at some loser kidís effort of escapism. Iíll halt the first part here for now. If it wasnít because the sheer incompetence contained herein is shared by so many other authors, and that my heart is black and cold at this point, Iíd might have left this fanfic alone. But no. It promises enough that Iíll stick with it. If anything, this kid wonít see a career in writing unless he gets some criticism.

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Post #2

Super High School Level Pimp

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post Jan 28 2017, 04:44 PM
Wow...I can tell that this fic is going to blow, based on the author's username alone. I haven't had a warning sign like that, since SovietRussiaMan, for crying out loud.

The mock is coming along nicely; hopefully the fic won't be an exercise in torture.

List of mocks can be found here: Here

QUOTE (AnItalianGuy @ May 27 2016, 02:03 AM) *
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
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Post #3

I'm very concerned.

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post Feb 5 2017, 06:33 PM
QUOTE (GorillaGamer @ Jan 29 2017, 01:44 AM) *
Wow...I can tell that this fic is going to blow, based on the author's username alone. I haven't had a warning sign like that, since SovietRussiaMan, for crying out loud.
The mock is coming along nicely; hopefully the fic won't be an exercise in torture.
Thanks for the kind words, GorillaGamer. Whether this fanfic will come across as torturous is still not evident enough to tell for me, even as I now post this second half of the first chapter. That's not a good thing, though, as the potential is still very much there.

Anyway, last we left off, we and the cast of the show were being awkwardly introduced to the authorís self-insert OC, a "mysterious" dweeb whoís already blathering about some Gem War that may or may not be the canon one, depending on the authorís actual knowledge of the show. If we're lucky, he wonít even know Garnet is a fusion and start spoiling that for Steven, too. Hereís Chapter 1, Part 2.

He was running up the steps when he had a lady in a light blue shirt and a pink leotard stop him. She had a gem on top of her forehead. Jet jumped over her before she could ask any questions. He really wanted to fight this monster.

Iím going to treat this airhead of an author as if heís writing this fanfic without even having watched half of the first season, because already Iím getting disgusted. The gem monsters are being fought because itís a kindness to subdue them and keep them from hurting others. Jetís just a bloodthirsty glory-hound, out to wax his fucked up perception of what it means to be a badass. Iíd not be surprised if he shatters his targets too, because where the fuck would this asshole keep the bubbles? Even Son Goku, the fictional poster child for the enjoyment of physical combat, derives such joy from the exhilaration of facing a worthy opponent, not this unintentional depiction of gem poaching.

Before he could jump on the roof where that action was, he was once again stopped, this time by Amethyst.

"Jet?" She said, with a look of concern. "What are you doing here? I haven't introduce you to the others yet..."

Pearl will never stand for such misconduct before combat. At the very least have the decency to put on a name tag.

That's when the lady with the light blue shirt came over.

"Amethyst," She started. "You know this person? He's a human, he shouldn't be here right now. He could get hurt." Jet smirked at this and before he had a chance to repond, he suddenly seen the monster flying halfway across the beach. Jet huffed in annoyance and jumped down the stairs, he wasn't gonna miss out on this.

His smirking ego isnít going to stroke itself. He needs to show up the Gems in their own element first, of course.

"Yeah," Amethyst said, looking at Jet make his way towards the monster. "He's a gem. He's more like Steven actually. He's half gem, half human as well. I haven't gotten the whole story from him but he doesn't seem like a bad guy. Speaking of Steven, where is the little guy?" Pearl had a look of shock on her face. She never thought she'd meet another being like Steven.

The horror, of knowing yet another gorgeous hunk of rock had been sacrificed upon the furbished alter of human lust, would have her mourning for months.

"He's safe inside the temple where he should be." The lady in the blue said, getting over her shock. Amethyst took a look inside the temple but she didn't see Steven at all.

"Umm, Pearl?" She Started. "Steven's not in the temple."

Well, of course not, he doesnít know how to open his door yet. Aside from that dumb note on the authorís equating colloquialism of Stevenís home, Steven isnít even indicated to be anywhere else. These fretting paragraphs are entirely pointless.

"What?!" Pearl shouted, moving passed Amethyst to see for herself.

What about dealing with the monster? Or is it just that stunned by being attacked by two afros?

Just as Amethyst stated Steven was not there. Pearl went back outside and signal for Amethyst to come with her. Once outside, Pearl decided that she would look for Steven later as she and Amethyst decided to help the lady with the colorful gorments out.

Yeah, save Garnet from the gorments. Sound like culinary gorgons.

Jet just made it as the monster was growling at the lady with the afro. She glanced at him, wondering who he was and what he was doing here. Pearl and Amethyst just made it as well.

Attached Image

Another mystery, or Jet is slow as molasses.

"Pearl, Amethyst," The lady spoke, staring at the monster. "Who is this human? He's not suppose to be here!" Before either of them could utter a word, the monster shot a load of acid at them. All four of them jumped out of the way, just in time. Jet was smiling, this monster might actually provide some fun for him.

The last one he came across beat him at Kitchen Calamity, and heís been dying for a do-over.

The four of them hid behind a gaint stone hand. Jet thought he might as well introduce himself to the two ladies he never met. He decided to let them catch their breathe before he decide to speak.


"My name is Jet," He spoke. "I'm a gem hunter. I'm also like Steven, half human, half gem." The look that the ladies (excluding Amethyst cause she already knows)

And because Pearl has already forgotten, apparently.

were giving him told him that they weren't buying it. He huffed in annoyance and took of his trenchcoat. He turned around, revealing his gem to them.

Oh, sure, act like your extreme Marty Stu claim isnít some big deal that can be just accepted at face value, you special prick. You canít have your cake and eat it too.

He heard them gasp, this was the second time today he heard someone gasp at something related to him.

Yes. It is.


"Garnet," Pearl said, looking at the lady with the afro. "What do you think?"

"It doesn't matter right now," Garnet said, her back pinned against the stone hand. "The monster is about to attack again." As soon, as she said that, the monster shot another stream of acid at them. Luckily, the stone hand was providing them with a temperary sheild.

The internet has had free spellchecking services that could fix this horrid mess, since before the year 2000. Not only is this author horrible, heís lazy, too.

"We could really use Steven's sheild right about now!" Amethyst shouted, as the monster continued to spray the stone hand with acid.

"Steven has a sheild?" Jet asked. He didn't bother to put his trenchcoat back on. He figured it'll be a waste since he'll be drawing his sword from his back pretty soon.

Why would you even wear that when it hinders you drawing your weapon, you edgy asshole? Actually, how the hell can you even draw an entire sword perpendicularly from the middle of your back? My joints are pretty flexible, but even I can only line up the length of a bread knife and it feels awkward as all hell.

"Hey!" A familiar voice said. Jet and the others seen that Steven was running towards them with a rock in his hand. "Leave them alone!" Steven throw the rock at the monster, stunning it for a brief second. This also stopped the flow of acid that the monster was spewing at them.

Thereís probably some metaphor that can be drawn about a monster being literally unable to see reason for all the hate itís spewing, but I already feel people are reading far too much into this show as it is.

"Steven! No!" The ladies shouted, showing concern for Steven. Jet kept his eyes on the monster.

Jet has no concern for Steven, duly noted.

Steven lifted up his shirt, trying to summon his sheild as he did earlier but to no avail. The monster was inching its way close to Steven.

'What's he doing?' Jet thought, as the monster louged at Steven.

Good question, since heís neither bringing his Cookie Cat freezer nor eating ice cream while thinking it the source of his powers. Either the author is really skimping on details, or Iím starting to sense a pattern.

'Whelp, no time to wonder!' Jet jumped in the air towards the monster, summoning his weapon in midair. Jet managed to block the monster's pincers from locking unto Steven. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl looked on in amazement. They had never seen someone move that fast.

Of course heís fast. His name is Jet. The author is fast, too. I mean, the title spells it out enough, stating this is his self-insertís universe, and not a full name. How else would you establish a Marty Stu in zero seconds?

"You Ok, Steven?" Jet asked, as the monster was trying to get to Steven. Steven nodded and with that, Jet's attention shifted back to the monster. Jet pushed the monster back with his sword and before the monster could attack, Jet summoned electricity from his hand and shot it towards the monster.

This motherfucker canít even provide an single ounce of originality. This monster was identically stunned by Steven lobbing a short-circuiting appliance at it. Jetís only worth so far to the changed canon, has been to replace a broken freezer. Way to go, author.

The electricity hit the monster, causing it to howl in pain. Jet seen the rest of the stone pillar explode as the ladies looked like they were prepare to finish the monster off.

"Ladies," Garnet said,

Look, I know that Estelles deliveries as Garnet may have been a bit flat, author, but she has never actually spoken the word Ďladiesí. This injected word had better not been foreshadowing some intent of yours with these genderless characters.

looking ahead at the screaming monster in front of her. "Let's do it!" Pearl and Amethyst nodded their head in agreement. They drew their weapons and charged at the monster. With the monster still in pain from the electicity, it couldn't react fast enough as the ladies struck it with their weapons.

And thus, the author has provided even less of a battle than the show provided. The show has an infuriating limit of cramming the events of an episode into eleven minutes, author, whatís your excuse?

Jet seen the monster explode right in front of his eyes. He also seen a gem fall right to the ground where the monster used to be.

And I have seen first graders with better grammar.

Garnet walked right up to the gem and concealed it in a bubble. As soon as she did that, the bubble teleported away.

"Awesome," Jet said, as the ladies approached him. Garnet extented her hand out to Jet. Jet put he sword back into his gem and reached out to shake Garnet's hand. Her grip was very firm and Jet felt like she was going to break his hand.

Maybe itís because youíre being frisky and fondling one of her gems in the process.

"Thank you for saving Steven." She said, placing her hands on her hips.

"Yeah, that was awesome!" Amerthyst said. Jet blushed a little at that. He wasn't used to getting compliments from anyone else other than his father, but parents are suppose to be supportive like that.

Youíre both selling him short and taking him for granted in that single statement. You also imply you expected nothing if he wasnít your father. Youíve got issues. Bad day, author?

Jet turned around to see that Steven was sitting in the sand, he looked disappointed. Jet decided to cheer up the kid. He understood why Steven was disappointed, his powers didn't work when he needed them the most. Jet had been through that ordeal before.

"Steven," Jet started, sitting down next to him. "Don't worry about what happened today. I noticed that you tried to activate your powers but it didn't work how you wanted to. I've been through that. It'll come in due time. Someday, you figure out how to activate your gem." Steven let out a smile upon hearing that.

Wonderful, now youíre just repeating the exposition in order to steal the family bonding at the end of the canon episode, too. Look, are you here to fuck the Gems or fuck them over? Because at this point it could go either way.

"Thanks, Jet." Steven said. "I needed to hear that." Jet smiled and started to get up. He jumped to fetch his trench coat (which was affected a little by the acid) and put in on. He figured that this city didn't need him, it already had protectors and awesome ones at that.

This complete disinterest in your own origins and other half of your heritage astounds me. Itís like the author is just repeating a scenario out of some other story on top of this one, ignoring cohesive logic and instead scraping along with every tired trope it has.

He started to walk towards the pier without saying goodbye, it was too painfully saying that word.

Fuck you, you just met them and know literally next to nothing about them. All your dialogue with them has been you expositing about yourself or reiterating what someone else had already said!

He kept walking until he felt himself bumping into something soft yet firm. He looked to see that it was Garnet. He raised an eyebrow then looked behind him. The others were running to catch up. He didn't understand what was going on.

"What's the meaning of this?" Jet asked, as the others were behind him now. "What's going on?" Garnet was the first to speak.

"We should be asking you that."

ĒYou know the author canít write anything original with this poor an establishment chapter. Heís using us to counter your shitty character traits and nonsensical motivations.Ē

She stated, placing her hands on her hips once more. Pearl cleared her throat.

"I agree with Garnet," Pearl said, as Jet turned around to look at her. "You would be a great addition to the team... to the crystal gems."

What, he shows up and you all just call dibs out of the blue, not even pondering it a single minute? Oh, forgive me, I forgot how mysterious he was, I mean, thatís like a sales pitch in and of itself.

Jet looked at her in amazement then closed his eyes. Jet didn't work that well in teams, well more like he never been on a team. He liked being alone, he was a loner.

Wait. The katana. The afro. The desire to work alone. Are you just Lonely Blade in black face?

"I don't know," Jet said, eyes still close. "I don't really like being a part of a team. I'm a loner, always have been..."

Wait. The katana. The afro. The repeated exposition through dialogue. Are you just the authorís wannabe edgy self-insert?

He felt a pair of soft hands grab his. He opened one eye to see who hands were grabbing his. It was Amethyst's.

"Aw, come on!" She started, looking at him. "Don't be like that. It'll be fun being around us. Trust me."

Doesnít this show have about a one to three ratio on tearful scenes per episode?

Jet opened his eyes, staring at her.

'Wow. They really want me to stay. But there are other cities that's probably going through the same ordeal...

Yes, of course. Thatís why you could have gone to those instead of this Ďtown like no otherí after specifically hearing how mysterious things were happening here. Oh, and theyíve just about declared that they are inviting you to stay only so they can use you. Your personality is literally not a part of their equation.

hmmm... I guess I can hang around for a little while' Jet thought, subconsciously squeezing Amethyst's hands a little. She looked at their hands and blushed a little.

Iíd feel embarrassed, too, if I was holding a hand Garnet had reduced to a floppy bag of gummy worms.

"Ok," Jet said, letting go of Amethyst's hands. "I'll stay. I can even train Steven on how to unleash his gem's powers. Sounds cool, Steven?"

"Yeah!" Steven said, jumping around. "This is gonna be great!" Jet smirked at this. He started to see Steven as the little brother he never had.

Not even Steven bonds this fast with people, author, tone it the fuck down already.

There was a wondering question that was swirling around it Jet's head that he had to ask.

"So," He started, catching everyone's attention. "Where am I going to stay? I don't have enough money for a hotel... so..."

Pray tell, oh mysterious one, how has your day-to-day self-reliance and accommodations changed from your lonesome wandering? If youíve provided shelter, food and water for yourself this far, whatís the problem?

"So... you can stay at the temple with us!" Amethyst said, placing a hand at her hip. "Right, Garnet?" Garnet nodded her head. She didn't see anything wrong with that.

"Right," Pearl started. "I'm sure we'll find some sort of sleeping arrangement for you, since your half human and probably need sleep." Jet sweatdropped at this.

Could you stop being a weeb for two seconds and acknowledge the fact that none of what Pearl said was untrue or unwarranted?

"Um, thanks." He said, as he look at the temple. "Well, it's gettting late and I'm ready to get some sleep. I like to get up early in the morning to start training." With that said, he started to walk towards the temple. The others followed and started to walk beside him.

And heís already acting like he owns the place and setting the pace for his hosts. How obnoxiously self-centered will the rest of this bland retelling of the canon story depict him, I wonder?

"You train in the early hours too?" Pearl said, who was on the left said of him.

"Well, yeah!" Jet said with excitement in his voice. "I've been training since I was little. I actually like training, keeps me in shape. I would love to spar with all of you, just to see what you've got."

Youíre going to stab Pearl through the chest, arenít you? I can just tell youíd do that plot point, in order to worm your way into this world, pretending that you are a part of it, you parasite.

"Consider your challenge accepted." Garnet said, smiling at him. She was on Pearl's left hand side. Amethyst tapped on Jet's shoulder, getting his attention. She was on his right hand side.

Steven had disappeared again, going off to wherever he was before when he wasnít in the temple.

"Don't mention sparring to Garnet," she whispered. "Garnet can get a little serious when she spars." Jet laughed at this, surprising Amethyst.

"So can I." Jet stated, still laughing a little. He had a feeling that he was going to enjoy his time in Beach City but little did he know that his life was going to change forever.

Well then, you canít imagine how happy I am for you to not even have bothered letting me learn about his life before now, author. Min-maxed your way out of that one, I guess.

And that the end of the chapter. Wow, this has been in my head forever. I decided to bring and orignal character into the mix because I thought it would make Steven Universe a little more interesting.

Because a kids cartoon show involving elements of sci-fi fantasy, combat, hard-light projection beings, magical powers, hybrids, wars, space travel, time travel, fusions, dreamscapes, possessions, alien invasions, rebellions, monsters, dancing, singing, crying, mutants, lasers, pocket dimension lions, watermelons, warp pads, clusters, robots, kindergartens, drama, romance, fake conspiracies, shapeshifting, more than enough metaphors on consent and love than you can wave a stick at, and a fucking underused cloud holodeck Ė what all that really needed was some loser with a sword and an afro to top things off!!

As you may have notice, some of the dialouge was talking from the show, that was intended. I want the chapters to evolve around the show's episodes., but not all of them though.

By this and looking at the future titles, the author likely means heís not going to include all the showís episodes, instead of implying originality.

And with that, see ya!

Look, so far this has been a harmless fanfic. Iíd really hate to see it turn more obnoxious than what I can already tell itís able to become. Swooping in on a cloud of smirks and a trench coat, got the gems praising him and blushing within an instant, and half-assed stealing of vital dialogue or altering important sequences of events like they were arbitrary footnotes Ė this self-insert really bugs me.

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Post #4

I'm very concerned.

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post Feb 14 2017, 08:21 AM
Self-insert stories are of an interesting concept, when you think about it. Handled well enough, for either comedy or seriousness, tropes can be deconstructed, possible insight for implied circumstances can be addressed, and one can envision in other ways how a course of events can unfold should they transpire with other characters. Guess why I am still mocking this shit, instead of reading something that worthwhile. Here's Chapter 2, Laser Light Canon, Part 1.

Well, Here's the next exiting chapter to Jet's Universe. I hope that you are enjoying the story thus far. I know some of the dialogue was taking from the show, that was inteneted.

If people would be objecting to that, it wouldnít be because they thought it was accidental, buddy.

The characters (except Jet) are own by Rebbeca Sugar.

Okay, by this point, Iím probably going to limit myself on the misspelling focus, because Iím just about ready to write you off as dyslexic, author. You canít even write names correctly, man.

It was before sunrise and the residents of Beach City was still sleeping, except for one person. That person was on the beach, training to hone his skills even futher. Jet was currently sparring against a dopplerganger of himself. Pearl had taught him this trick, which took him a while to completely master.

Sure, why not. Why donít you just top it off and steal Amethystís dash attack, too, since you already swiped Garnetís trump card that is her electrical powers?

Jet had been staying with the gems for about 2 weeks before he decided that he need his own space. The crystal gems had help him build a small but suitable home near the temple. The inside of the home was simple, it included a living room decorated with small pieces of furniture, a small kitchen, a normal size bathroom equipped with a very large bathtub and a very large bedroom with a queen side bed.

Yeah, a small, suitable and simple home that by this very description makes it bigger than Stevens!

Jet, of course, thanked the crystals gems for everything they had done for him. They treated him like family and that meant a lot to him. Jet had his trench coat off for this sparring session, he didn't want it to get ruined. The trench coat meant a lot to him, it was the last gift he recieved from his father.

You know, Iím happy we arenít going some other fanfic route, such as gun porn or the waxing of a plethora of unexplained demon super powers right now, but do I really have to suffer the additional focus on the deepest lore of your wardrobe?

The dopplerganger lunged at Jet, snapping him out of his current thoughts. He dodged before the dopplerganger could hit him. Jet smiled and countered with a blast of electricity, the dopplerganger jumped in the air to avoid the blast. That was a mistake on the dopplerganger part because when it comes to the air, Jet is a master of it.

He can suck and blow at the same time.

Using his speed, Jet was in the air as soon as the dopplerganger jumped. He was behind the dopplerganger and before the dopplerganger could react, Jet swiped it with his blade.

So, you can hit a jumping target after you eliminated any other options for it dodging after your first attack. How is this training? Iíve seen more challenge and proof of skill in a game of Duck Hunt.

"Defeated!" The dopplerganger said before disappearing. Jet could never get use to the robotic tone that the dopplerganger used. He had to admit that it did put up one heck of a fight for him but he had to wonder why it didn't counter his mid air assualt.

So not only are you shitty at programming your AI holograms, youíre also cheesing your training by specifically pushing them to where their code canít respond.

It technically was him so he figured the dopplerganger had to know. He shook the thought from his head and sat down in the sand.

'It moments like this that makes life worth living' He thought, as the sun started to raise.

Iíd say that too, if I bamboozled myself to having three aliens provide for me and make me a house on the beach.

He wished he brought a towel with him, he was sweating pretty badly. He started to get up when he seen Garnet started to walk towards him. He started to greet her when he noticed that Garnet summoned her gauntlets. She wanted to spar with him since he challenged the crystal gems to due so. His stamina was pretty low at the moment and he really didn't know if he the energy to give her a challenge.

Maybe Garnet is just following your example of rigging the training match.

"So," Garnet said, smiling a little at him. "Is today the day we're gonna spar?" Jet shot her a weak smile. He started to stretch and he summoned his katana. She did make an effort to challenge him and he didn't want to disappoint her.

"Before we start," Jet said, taking his stance. "I am tired from my training eariler so I may not give you the challenge you want. If you win, it's cause I am not at 100%."

Fuck off. Rarely have I seen a more blatant display of two-faced wish-fulfilment while likely attempting to not appear as a Marty Stu. Weíre literally getting the declaration of the predicted defeat and turnout as being null and void instead of evidence as to this guyís actual worth. This author canít even buckle a bit and imagine his self-insert perhaps could need an story-arc, from where he could improve from a less-than-superior position to the Gems. The incoming fight scene has been rendered pointless.

"You have a lot of confidence," Garnet said, cracking her neck. "This is gonna be fun." Jet smirked and waited for Garnet to make the first move. Garnet took no time in making the first move as she charged at him with blinding speed. Jet barely had time to block her incoming punch that she threw at him. He slide on the ground from her impact. He saw her smiling at him and it made him feel a little uncomfortable.

And here I thought it would have been Amethystís whips that gave the first dominatrix vibes in this story.

Jet jumped back a little and started to gather electicity to his hand. Garnet charged a him once more, making Jet disperse the electricity from his hand and put his sword into the sand. Garnet was about to strike him until Jet caught her fists. She struggled to free from his grip but he had her in a pretty firm.

Okay, author, now Iím just questioning whether your word processor simply took it upon itself to erase the missing words of this fanfic because they were being recognized as junk data.

It was a stalemate as neither of them could move. Garnet smirked and headbutted Jet, sending him flying halfway across the beach.

This afro-on-afro violence has got to stop.

'Dammit!' Jet thought, as he felt hs consciousness slipping from him. He hasn't felt pain like this in quite a while and he chances of winning the sparring match was fading away as well. Jet hit the ground hard and coughed up a little bit of blood.

First of all, when a person who can see the potential future initiates a fight with you, youíve already lost. Second of all, your internal organs must bruise like a peach if this is the end result of a head-butt.

He strugged to get on his feet as he saw Garnet make her way towards him. He saw his sword glowing in the distance and figured he'd make a run for it. He hated the idea of running from an opponent but he needed his weapon. He didn't have the strength to summon his other kitana and he didn't have any other options left.

You could suck it up, act like a reasonable person, stop harvesting pity points by milking the injuries like there was an actual point or tension to be established, and declare defeat. That is what signifies a sensible person capable of assessing their own limits; knowing when to quit.

Garnet saw him break out into a run and wonder what he was up to. He could've just called it quits and she would've respected him for it. Jet made a risky move and manage to jump over Garnet. She didn't attack him, she was more curious on what he was going to do.

Idiocy like this has to be seen to believed, I do agree, Garnet.

Jet was mere feet from his sword and was relieved when he grabbed it. He closed his eyes and when he opened them, they glowed red.

Oh no, say it isnít so, I just canít believe it, how could I possibly have doubted the Łber-power-ascension mode capabilities of the self-insert protagonist, which can totally empower him beyond his fatigue and previous inability of power-output, etc. etc.

Garnet noticed this and stopped advancing towards Jet, she sensed something was wrong. Without any warning, Jet unleashed a gaint wave of purple energy towards Garnet from the tip of his sword. Garnet gasped and moved out of the way. That did it for Jet, as his consciousness finally faded from him and he hit the ground...hard.

His lungs collapsed and both his legs broke from the fall. Why do we even bother with concrete if plain old beach sand has this effect?

His weapon also disappearing in the process.

Garnet looked at the damage that Jet's attack did. Jet's attack manage to split some of the beach (and whenever the attack went) apart. Garnet looked at Jet and smiled. The young man did not know how powerful he was.

And neither do I! For all I know he accidentally knocked over one of five pristine sand castles and haphazardly dug out a tiny west-ward facing trench thatís currently being rapidly refilled by the gentle force of the incoming tide against the rough and sandy grains. Do you know what a scene description is now, author?!

He'd manage to hold off Garnet even though he wasn't at 100%.

Hold off? Yeah, sure, letís call it that, even if urinating in her direction would have had the same effect.

Garnet picked up the unconscious Jet, grabbed Jet's trench coat, and headed towards the temple with him (since she didn't want to enter his house without his permission).

Now thereís something even more unbelievable; the Gems having learnt the meaning of privacy.

Jet woke up with a massive headache, he felt as if he has been hit by a train. He looked around his surroundings and noticed that he was in the temple. He also noticed that he was on the couch and that someone was thoughtful enough to give him a blanket while he was unconscious.

Because if there is one thing I know will cure internal bleeding, itís blankets.

Jet got up and stretch his limbs, he was extremely sore. He started to walk to the front door when he heard Amethyst and Steven talking behind him.

"Hey, look who's up!" Amethyst said, walking up to Jet with Steven following. "So, I heard you and Garnet had a crazy sparring session, huh?" Jet scoffed when she finished. Crazy wasn't the word, he was technically at a handicap.

Iíll just ignore the easiest joke about my primary assessment of your mental faculties, and instead address your weird and failing boost of your power fantasy. I donít get you, author. You skewed the balance of the fight, called out the very same fact, made an effort to ensure the outcome didnít count, and you still have your self-insert be a sore loser about a fight he could have turned down for valid reasons. No one is impressed and I can only imagine you even disappointed yourself.

"Anyway," Steven said, changing the subject after noticing Jet's reaction. "We're going to get some bits, wanna come?" Jet nodded his head as a response. Jet grabbed his trench coat and headed out the door with the duo.

'What are bits?' He thought as they started to head down the steps of the temple.

A rather bland food order gag left forgotten from its three or four references in Season 1, by having only had two callbacks for almost three entire seasons after that. Guys, I think I just realized I know more about this show than I should willingly admit to.

Getting to the pier didn't take that long to get to. That was because Amethyst and Steven nearly ran the whole way there. Jet took one leap to catch up to them. If he wasn't so sore, he would've ran with them.

Excuse me, but isnít that the same as taking flight because you canít manage to float?

As Steven and Amethyst continue to run they stopped when they reached a shop named "Beach Citywalk Fries". Steven and Amethyst ran up to the counter as a man, wearing an apron and hair shaped like french fries, switch the sign from open to close. Jet looked at the sky, it did seem to be getting late.

'Man' Jet said, as he was walking to get behind Steven and Amethyst, 'Don't tell me I was out the whole day? That sucks!'

And the fact, that the Crystal Gems left you unconscious from combat for the entire day instead of giving you medical treatment, really showed how much they treat you like family, I might add.

Steven slammed his hands on the counter.

"Hey Fryman," Steven said. "Gimme the bits!"

"Steven, we're closed!" Fryman said, looking at Steven, Amethyst and Jet.

"Aw, what!" Steven said, looking mildly disappointed. Amethyst then slammed her fist on the counter. Jet looked at her in suprise.

Oh, come on, Jet. Youíre a self-insert Marty Stu, you of all people should know that being rude usually gets you what you want.

"Give him the bits!" Sbe said, slamming her fists on the counter once more. "The bits, The bits, the bits..." She started to chant over and over. Soon after, Steven joined in on her chanting. Jet's headache started to get worst because of their constant chanting.

"Ok, ok!" Fryman said, apparently tired of their chanting as well. "Take it easy on the counter, will ya?" Fryman went to prepare the order of bits and Steven and Amethyst gave each other high fives. Jet shook his head at the ordeal, he did find it a bit amusing.

Author, people are presumably here to read how your character affects this world, not how heís just being one with the nonexistent backdrop and being affected instead.

"I can give you actual fries you know." Fryman said, as he place the order on the counter. Steven reached inside of his front pocket and pulled out a wallet with a star printed on it. He give Fryman a 5 dollar bill and told him to keep the change.

Wow, how generous Steven is for tipping Fryman five bucks for the free, oily waste product of the scraps found at the bottom of a deep fryer. Iím only being so elaborate because it seems like someone else besides Jet doesnít know what the bits are. And he supposedly watched the events of this episode, too.

The group started to head back to the temple with Steven and Amethyst munching on the fry bits.

"You sure you don't want any, Jet?" Steven said, holding the bag close to Jet. Jet shook his head no. He was just glad to accompany them. "Ok, more for us then...Ah sunset, my favorite time of day. The sun goes down and the second sun gets bigger and bigger in the sky." Amethyst and Jet looked at each other, then started to laugh.

Steven is overdosing on unsaturated fat to the point of delirious hallucinations, and all you guys can do is laugh?!

"Yeah," Amethyst said, still laugh a bit. "that big eyed second s..." Jet tapped her shoulder, getting her attention then he pointed up. What they saw looked like a gaint glowing eyeball heading straight for Beach City.

The unexplainable wonder that is the bits combined with Jetís mysteriousness have been too much for this intergalactic investigative probe to ignore, it seems.

Amethyst gasped and grabbed Steven, making him drop his bag of bits. She was running full speed toward the temple.

"Ah! my bits!" Steven shouted, as Amethyst was carrying him away. Jet grabbed the bag and followed them.

Okay, so thus far Jetís contribution to this universe has been saving Steven from losing a freezer and five dollars worth of heart attacks. Iíll just assume this will be his only contribution to this chapter, because Iíll only be insanely insulted if he somehow steals the spot light from the rest of this episode.

He got to the temple grounds before Amethyst and Steven did. He noticed that Pearl and Garnet was already investigating the scene.

"This is bad." Garnet said, looking up at the sky. Pearl was next to Garnet, looking through a telescope.

"Look at the size of it," Pearl said in amazement. "I had no idea these things get so big!"

ĒOh, sorry, my bad, I was looking at the authorís ego. The Red Eye seems kind of small in comparison, really."

And I'll halt the first part here. While starting out with a nice addition of his own envisioned material, this author only dragged me through all the things I hate about wish-fulfillment self-insert power-fantasies in doing so. At this point, I can probably not hope for something that irrevocably alters the course of the canon story, even as that new house is probably blocking passage between the temple and Beach City.

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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 22nd February 2017 - 11:02 PM