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> My Inner Life, The shining example of egotism
Post #1


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post May 3 2015, 03:45 PM
This text=The fanfiction I will be reading today
This text=My commentary on said fanfiction

Sup guys, VGtree here with yet another mock. People that use this site may or may not know that in the fan fiction world, there are people that are so egotistical, that they feel that they are worthy of being in their favorite video game, cartoon, or movie. These people are usually never get the chance to get out with somebody, and instead have sexual fantasies with a character they feel to be hot. Why do I speak to you of the nonsense of such people? Because today, I am ready Legend of Zelda fanfic written by a Legend of Zelda fangirl named Jen. Seems pretty average, I'm guessing its just about how a Zelda fangirl inserts herself into Hyrule and just has sex with Link or something like that. This shouldn't be too hard. So the story starts with a prologue and...

OK, I guess that means this will be the first mock I'll ever make that will be posted into separate parts, seeing how long the Author's Note is, and how long the story itself is, This will obviously be in more than one part. So, Um, I guess we should begin...


Author’s Notes: Hello. Thanks for choosing to read my story.

This is the only time I’m ever going to recall feeling regret for being thanked.

As you might know I have become a major Zelda fan in the last year.

I can certainly tell.

Ever since I played OoT I have grown a fond interest in Link. I started to notice that after I got really into it, I found that I have a strange gift.

You had a wet dream about Link?

A gift to Lucid Dream. I started having dreams about Hyrule, and about Link. In a Lucid Dream you can control your dreams. The dreams became very real, kinda like a second life, and almost every night I would have another. Starting from where the last left off. Even to this day I still have them. I find that they help me get through life. I know this may sound queer,

You know, there is a difference between something sounding queer, and something sounding incredibly stupid.

but for me the dreams sure help me out.

It helps you escape from the reality which is your mother's basement.

I have shared this story with many other people and so far all has liked it.

Sounds pretty doubtful, I mean if someone came up to me and told me that they dreamed of being in the Mushroom Kingdom fucking Princess Toadstool all because they played Super Mario 64, and they talk about how this happens to them every night, I’d think he’s freaking crazy.

Now as you read this it is told from my perspective or first person view.

You will find that it is very detailed since I remember it all very clearly to this day.

Wow, you’re one crazy motherfucker aren’t you.

The story takes place after OoT. Nothing after that ever happens. No Majora's Mask. No LttP, or even Oracle of Ages and Seasons. And there is no love relation between Link and Zelda, Link and Ruto, Link and Malon or Link and Saria.

Holy crap, I did not see that coming.

Because of my feelings about Link, the person that he gets involved with in this story is myself or actually is my persona. A persona is for those of you who need to know, a representation of ones personality, or in dictionary terms is, (Persona) n. In biology, same as person.

Ok, there’s a line between explaining things and treating the audience like they’re retarded. You’re on the latter side and not even close to the former side.

So for all you future readers, this story is based on Jenna, a char that is a representation of my personality.

So Link is going to fuck a char fish?

Attached Image

Bad puns FTW!!!

But if you think this might be too queer then you shouldn't read this.

That warning means nothing now since you mentioning that Link is going to have sex with a fish persona of you pretty much ruins it.


It would be nice if you at least explained what that material is instead of screaming your head off as you say it.

But if you seriously believe you can handle the content of this story, then read on.

LOL, it’s like the author knows that anybody with a working brain cell would not dare to read this story, so she just mocks those people.

If your squeamish about sex, then you should not read this, since this story is a REAL LEMON and there is a lot of that, heavily detailed.

At this point, I’d rather read the overly-detailed instructions of how to peel a lemon than to read a grotesque one.

(Between Link and I that is) Especially during the bonding ceremony. There is also some blood content and strong adult language. So if that’s too much then you should turn back now.

Ok we get the point, can we move on to the story now?

Now I have not finished it as of yet. I have to catch up, since the last dream I had was just after Link and I had the blessing ceremony for our twins.

What’s ironic is the fact that the story was never finished to begin with, my guess is that this girl’s ego stroking wet dreams became so drenched in her everyday life, that that’s all she thinks about and thinks about it more than actually writing the story.

(Our 3rd and 4th kids) Right now there is about 100-150 pgs worth. I'm expecting it to reach at least 300-350 probably even more. I will try to up date as often as possible. I hope that some of you like this. I do not mind sharing it. But please understand that this is very PRECIOUS to me, as well as Link.

Because a fictional elf actually gives a damn about a story that one of her fangirls wrote about him.

So like I said, if the content of this story sounds, too queer to you, TURN BACK NOW! But to all who wish to continue, happy reading. Thanks,
~*~ Link’s Queen ~*~

Ego stroking alert, Ego stroking alert

Rated R for strong adult language, sex, violence and blood content.

Um, ok we get it, you already stated it like a few paragraphs ago, Hello!!!!! Jesus, when I told you to explain what you meant by offensive material, I didn’t mean this. The only way this could be worse is if she literally recites everything we have already have read in big uppercase letters to hammer the point in even further.


Ouch, it went in way too deep.


My god, how many times have you used the words Offensive and Queer in this author’s note? In fact, why am I even bothering with this author’s note to begin with, I just feel like I’m in some sort of Groundhog’s Day Loop where I’m forced to read a Zelda fangirl’s author’s note again and again endlessly.


*gasp* People stating their honest opinion on a crappy Zelda fan fiction? That’s so unheard of. Run, Run everybody we’re all gonna die because people stated their opinion on a Zelda fan fiction. *woman screaming*



Funny, because it’s equal to that of the personality of an average char fish.


Non-mature constructive critisim? Did we run into a loophole or something? Am I supposed to take this warning seriously when you use “Non-Mature Constructive Critisism” in it?


It was never pretty looking to begin with, so why you decided to put in that pointless piece of information, remains a mystery.



Up, looks like I got two more words to add to the excessive word use list, with one of them being a word that the author obviously doesn’t know the basic definition of.


God damn it author we’re not stupid, the reason for why Fanfiction.net added those features are already obvious to begin with. How do you expect people to take your warnings seriously when you treat your audience like idiots?


Bitch, don’t bring all fanfic authors to your level, because not all of them are bumbling idiots that make a big deal out of criticism.


With the exception to all of the people that supposedly liked your unhealthy thoughts.


Yes they do, just as much as they have the right to look at your fapfic and criticize you for your fucked up fetishes.


With the way you’re behaving right now, I find it absurd that people will choose not to continue reading. In that case…


Says the Zelda fangirl bitching over trolls and haters like a five year old.


Shouldn’t it occur to you by now that it’s you’re own damn fault that this is all happening to you? You were the one that decided it would be a smart idea to openly state to the inter webs that you masturbate to and have wet dreams about fictional characters.


Seriously? You think that all teenagers are a bunch of assholes that wish death on people? Wow, just wow, all your credibility has been lost due to that illogical statement. Way to go, you made the problem worse for yourself. Have fun with the tsunami of trolls coming for you, AKA Encyclopedia Dramatica. Oh wait they already made the article, too late.


And if you’re a full grown woman that literally jacks off to fictional elves, than you really are scaring me! unsure.gif



Um, shouldn’t we be reading a story about your experiences in your wet dreams? Because all you’ve been doing so far is bitching and moaning about trolls. FUCKING TROLLS!!! THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK LIKE JACKASSES TO GET ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!


Oh, the sodium rich irony!!!



Oh god no, I don’t want to go through all of that again.

Furthermore, I have realized that this story needs some heavy grammar corrections, and that the plot needs some work.

Ok author, you’re getting there, we finally got that bitchfest out of the way but, we’re still not at the main attraction of this mock. I don’t give a crap about what you feel you need to improve in your story, just get on to the god damn story itself. We’ve been here for about 20 minutes and yet we haven’t even made it to the first chapter.

Also under the advisement of my friend who had just recently completed two literature classes, has stated the reasons why people had classified Jenna as a “Mary Sue” char and labeled her as “flat”. She has come to the conclusion that most people do not know or understand Jenna’s history, so she has advised me to create an origin story to explain about her history before she met Link.

Meh, it’s probably just going to be about how great Jenna is.

That way she will become more rounded and give people a reason to care about her. It was never in my intentions to create Jenna as a “Mary Sue” char or to make her conceited,

Honey, Mary Sue characters aren’t made on purpose unless this is a troll fic we’re talking about. And whether or not you want to believe it at this point, no this story is not a troll fic and this is 100% real. No, I’m not making that up.

because I’m not really like that.

Anybody who has read the first half of this author’s note would realize how much bullshit is in that line.

Jenna is a persona char, one that resembles my personality while this story is being told from her perspective.

This story is not something that I pulled out of my head like my drawings, it came from my dreams.

Which technically already comes from your head. So your argument is…

So I understand that revising this story is going to be hard work and will take time. Since this story is being told in the exact, or close to exact order it happened in the dreams, changing how fast Link and Jenna marry isn’t going to be easy. Even changing how fast they have sex and revising the Lemon parts also won’t be so easy to do.

Something I’d already expect seeing how talentless you’ve proved yourself to be in the FREAKING AUTHOR’S NOTE!!!!!!!!!

But I’m currently in the process of revising this story, also I have received a college grammar book from my friend and I will be investing in a Beta-Reader. I’m also considering taking to literature classes at JC to help boost my writing skills. But now I say this, if you people, the reviewers really have the intentions to help me, them please do it positively and like a mature adult.

After that long and pointless rant you thought would fix everything? No thanks.

I’m telling you that it is a proven fact that negative motivation NEVER motivates someone to change. It never has and it never will. I’m pretty sure your parents have taught you that people only respond to positive motivation and not negative.

I’m not close-minded, I NEVER have been. I have always been open to other people’s thoughts and opinions, its when its done in an inappropriate manner that I turn my nose at it and look away. People have to understand that when you’re an adult, you need to conduct yourself like one and learn how to address other people like one.

God damn it Jen, do we need to go over how we already get the point again and that you don’t have to say the same thing a million times to get the point across?

You cannot just act childish when you come across something that you DO NOT approve of, you’re only making yourself look bad and that can affect you later on in life. Acting childish and ranting and raving is something I’d expect a little kid would do when he doesn’t get his way.

Oh the sodium rich… wait a minute!!!

When an adult acts childish over stupid things, that’s looked down upon, and considered to be unhealthy.

By that logic, looks like I’ve got someone to frown upon.

I have seen far too many reviews left for me where the reviewers are just ranting and raving like little kids over this story because they do not like it.

Look who’s talking.

It is only making them look stupid and is very unhealthy. I fear that these people have some serious emotional problems if they get that upset over a story.

You know, the one where you’re making woopie with a fictional character

People in control of their emotions and have also obtained some sort of common sense, NEVER let little things get them all riled up.

Things such as bad reviews on their ludicrous fan fiction.

It is very sad when one that is supposed to be an adult, cannot handle them like one. I was NEVER angry with the reviewers not liking the story, it’s how they handled themselves when leaving me the reviews. Getting riled up, ranting and raving, screaming and spitting nails over this story is what has caused me to get upset, not the fact that they didn’t like it.

I love how you say that yet you do the same thing when somebody trolls you.

Also as a side note, I NEVER physically hurt ANYONE with this story.

You’re physically hurting me with this story, because the ridiculousness this author’s note has to offer makes me want to slit my wrists. You literally wasted over 2000 words of this story just to rant about people giving you negative reviews on your story.

I got one reviewer that said. “Oh God please stop writing, your hurting everyone.” Now I want to know where I physically touched that person.

Seriously? Now you’re ranting about a review that was not meant to be taken so literally?

And you seriously want to learn how to write when you don’t even know what figurative language is. How did you make it into college again?

I want to know how I’m twisting anyone’s arms to read this. I have never done anything of the sort in any way, shape or form and I DO NOT appreciate being accused of that!

Ok, now I have the feeling there’s something mentally wrong with you, you jerk off to fictional characters and find nothing wrong with it, and you you act all paranoid about people accusing you of twisting people’s arms when… MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!!!

If you’re emotionally hurt over this, its your fault not mine.

Again, you wrote and uploaded the story, not me, him, or anybody else that had seen it. Not that saying that will make a huge difference since you take everything way too seriously, but still… MY GOD, WE’RE NOT EVEN HALFWAY DONE WITH THE STORY AND ALREADY I’M OVERLY PISSED OFF BY YOUR STUPIDITY RIGHT NOW!!!!!

I’m sorry if it did, but I have placed several warnings describing the content of this story


and if you know what it contains and you do not like this type of material, then why are you reading it?

I would state the reason, but we all know it by now.

I do not appreciate getting accused for other people’s actions. It is your choice as the reader to read the content of this story and it is not my fault if it upsets you when you knew from the gecko what it contained.

If you want to lose 15,000,000,000 cells or more in your brain, you switch to this author’s note, it’s what you do.

So please DO NOT flame me about it.

I also feel like a schoolteacher teaching a bunch of little kids. And I find that this really wasn’t necessary and shouldn’t have had to come to this, but it is very hard when your reviewers have forgotten how to conduct themselves like adults.

Looks like we have hundreds of words to add to the list, conduct and adults being 2 of them. Seeing how often this author tends to repeat herself in this author’s note of hers, I already predicted that the list would be so huge it would make King Kong cry.

If you honestly think that being malicious is a good thing and that you’re not wrong in doing so, well then your blinded by your own selfish pride.

Whatever, self-inserting bitch that acts like she owns Link.

People with common sense learn how to take responsibility for themselves and are able to admit when their wrong. I have found that many of the reviewers that have left me malicious reviews honestly believe that its appropriate behavior for an adult.

I’m sorry, but I still don’t feel that you have the right to say that to anybody because you actually ranted about a review that was not meant to be taken literally, and took it literally.

When it really is that they are too self-absorbed in themselves to admit their wrong. Again that results from selfish pride.

God damn it Jen, can you stop acting like everybody except you are the freaking devil? You’re acting more selfish than all of these people that your talking about as evidenced by all the stupid bullshit you decided to type in this author’s note.

One to scared to admit in front of others that they just might be wrong. Also, how can any of you hold any right to call Jenna conceited when in reality, your contradicting yourself by being conceited as well?

Being conceited is again selfish pride and being self-absorbed. And yes, it is and always will be a fact that most of the reviewers have been conceited and very contradictive.

Just wait, everything she just said in this author’s note is going to bite her straight in the ass in 3…2…1…

Please DO NOT leave me a review that only contradicts what you are trying to preach. You should in reality, take your own advice.

How’s that for being contradictive, Bitch?

Again I find it very ridiculous that this had to be as long as it is, but it is due to the fact that people not conducting themselves appropriately.

If only you took your own advice as you stated everybody should do a paragraph ago.

Also if I do receive any more malicious reviews, with screaming, spitting nails or ranting and raving over this story because you do not like it then are to self-absorbed to admit that acting like that is wrong, well then you have proven my point!

Too bad you proved my point first, that you just blame everyone for your own problems in society.

All of this is very self-explanatory!

Yet you had to say the same thing over and over, write a 15 minute long rant about people trolling you, and blame people just to give us the idea.
Now PLEASE DO NOT READ ON if you DO NOT plan on leaving me a review appropriately!

Well, that was quite an experience, I thought this redundant author’s note would never end. Reading this author’s note already gives me a clue about what type of things await me. Be very afraid people, be very afraid.

My content can be found here.

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Post #2
Darth Nightmaricus


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post May 4 2015, 06:16 AM
Oh dear god.

You have NO IDEA just how bad My Inner Life is.

It's the My Immortal of Zelda, only with good grammar. It's just bad. Really, really bad.

Good luck. You'll need it.

With that warning out of the way, hmmm...I figured this fic would have been mocked by now.

Oh well. Looks like this will be enjoyable. *grabs popcorn*
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Post #3

I'm very concerned.

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post May 4 2015, 07:32 AM
Wow, is this fanfic a blast from the past for me.

I came across My Inner Life when I was reading mocks from before I came across this forum, when I knew them as 'sporks'.

I think I even came across fanart of these supposed twins Link and the Mary Sue produce.

It's too long ago for me to recall the events of the story or the 'spork' itself, so I'm looking forward to this mock to refresh my memory.

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Post #4


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post May 4 2015, 11:13 AM
QUOTE (VGtree054 @ May 3 2015, 04:45 PM) *
People that use this site may or may not know that in the fan fiction world, there are people that are so egotistical, that they feel that they are worthy of being in their favorite video game, cartoon, or movie.

No offense, but you haven't been here for very long, have you?

QUOTE (Darth Nightmaricus @ May 4 2015, 07:16 AM) *
I figured this fic would have been mocked by now.

There is another mock of it on here, but it was never finished for some reason.
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Post #5


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post May 4 2015, 11:33 AM
QUOTE (Doom-Flower @ May 4 2015, 11:13 AM) *
No offense, but you haven't been here for very long, have you?

Obviously Not! sweat.gif

This post has been edited by VGtree054: May 4 2015, 11:34 AM

My content can be found here.

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Post #6

Critically Sarcastic

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post May 6 2015, 05:21 AM
Author writes fanfic based on HER wet dreams, starring HERSELF, written in HER point of view.

Author proceeds to write a 1500+ word rant about people critiquing her, saying they're self-absorbed.

Fucking. What.

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

Click here for more mocks: List O' Mocks
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Post #7

2 months of exam is hell

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post May 6 2015, 05:28 AM
Girl's batshit insane as fuck judging by the author's notes.

Would it kill her to at least be a little bit more humble? (Not saying she should take criticisms, but at least just block "flamers" and condemning flamers in only a few paragraphs instead of going all out crazy bitch mode).


You want my mock?! GET OVER HERE!

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Post #8

Unfunny Asshole

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post May 6 2015, 07:11 AM
Jesus Christ that was physically painfull to read! And that was only the authors note!
Oh boy this is a really good one is it?

Begin salty is an art my friend, thats why you suck so much at it

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In progress: The Luckster And The Detective
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post May 9 2015, 03:30 PM
This text=The fanfiction I will be reading today
This text=My commentary on said fanfiction

*sigh* I really have no idea what I’ve gotten myself into, after reading that Author's Note which I can guarantee takes up half of the damn story, we make it to the prologue. A.K.A the author’s note part 2. If you want to know why I call it that… *sigh* just take a look…


Dreams come in many forms. Some good, some bad, some very realistic, even ones that feels very real.

As well as the ones that make you question the sanity of humanity, case in point…

A dream may come to us from happy events, or even stem from bad events in our lives. Some come to us as a pleasure dream and some come as nightmares.

Wow, you’ve learned a lot from those classes you’ve been talking about in the Author’s Note.

Some become vague memories after time, while some stay very rich in our minds. This is a story about a dream that I had.

How many ti… Oh never mind, you’re so stupid that you take every review you get seriously.

A dream that became more dreams. A dream that would end one night then resumes the next. It became like a second life. Ever since I became a Zelda fan, I grew an interest in Link.

I would have never guessed that, you did write a 2000 word author’s note bitching about people giving negative opinions on it.

I thought of him as the perfect man.

The man that never talks and has a blank personality, do you also have a thing for Italian Plumbers?

One that you could not find of this world. I thought of him as a man that should have been. The more that he attracted my attention the more I became more attracted to him. 

I had no idea they sold rare copies of the game where Link flirts with you.

I felt like there was a connection between him and me.

Well, the both of you have a personality equal to that of cardboard, so yeah, I guess you two connect with each other well.

Then he became a part of me, and after that I fell deeply in love with him.

I know that may sound queer

God damn it, using a word that you found in a thesaurus again and again does not make you sound poetic or smart, it’s very redundant. Imagine, as you had to repeat yourself constantly just to make the point in the Author’s Note.

to you but love is a mysterious thing and should not be taken lightly.

It should be taken so roughly to a degree that you start being attracted to fictional video game characters.

Love is a very strong emotion, an emotion that should be treasured. Love comes from the heart, but when it takes hold, it’s got you. I quite don't understand it myself,

That explains everything.

but I do know that when I first laid my eyes upon Link I fell in love with him. My heart just told me it was right. Told me he was the one, the one I had been searching for. Ever since then I have felt that it was destiny that has brought me to him.

Are you sure you’re not mentally insane? Because you really aren’t convincing me right now.

Even in my mind it feels the same. I don't consider myself any different from anyone else.

Though I have love for someone that is not really there, he will always remain very real to me inside my heart and in my mind. Even to this day I still love him. He has kept me very happy. He has made me happy when I was sad.

Possibly in the ways I don’t want to imagine.

He has made me feel stronger about myself. He has even taken care of me in ways that no one else can.

You seriously don’t think that people should give you negative reviews for saying stuff like this?

Even though I have feelings for him, I'm not any different from the rest of you.

Aside from you being fucking crazy.

I will always hold him close to me in my heart. He is still on my mind and I still have dreams. The connection stills remains strong, and the dreams very real.

Since we’re still not at the first freaking chapter of the story, I have just one thing to tell you:

I lived an entire life with Link in Hyrule. All stemming from a series of dreams. Dreams that I want to have. Dreams that I make happen.

Whoop dee freaking doo, you have lucid wet dreams of a fictional character. So does every other fapgirl and fapboy. You’re nothing special

From the first day I met him, to the birth of our first child, to even the days when Link and I prepared our family in the event that Gannon should return. This book is based on my inner life. A second life lived in a far away land in another time line in another dimension.


A tale of love, passion, despair and hope. I enjoyed my inner life. I looked forward to going to sleep to it every night. And I look forward to ones that will come, because LOVE WILL NEVER DIE.

Some prologue that was, I feel that would have made a better author’s note compared to endless bitching about flamers. So apparently, I just wasted minutes of my life reading what was already stated in the author’s note. I really wish I could get those minutes back.

This post has been edited by VGtree054: May 10 2015, 05:14 AM

My content can be found here.

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post May 10 2015, 11:48 AM
This text=The fanfiction I will be reading today
This text=My commentary on said fanfiction

Ladies and germs, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the first chapter of the wet dream known as My Inner Life. Considering the pity party the Author calls an Author’s Note, and the Prologue which stated everything we’ve already learned about that I had to read to get at this point, my expectations for this story are very low.

*sigh* Begin…The sooner the better.

The Beginning
I will never forget the day, the day I met Link.

Why am I not surprised that you’d say that?

It was a warm spring day; I was on my usual trip back to Hyrule with my wagon of goods to sell in Hyrule market at the annual Spring Festival (1). 

Which never even existed to begin with.

I have been a traveling merchant since I was fourteen.

Well, it looks like English is not the only thing you fail at.

This is my sixth year returning to Hyrule. The last two years I was not able to return when Princess Zelda sent word of an evil presence in Hyrule. Then all contact was lost. For almost two years I tried to contact Princess Zelda.

What’s the point of writing the same thing twice?

Desperately I kept trying to find out if she was ok. I was never too long without contact with my good friend.

Good friend? Zelda’s a princess you idiot, how do you even know her?

Then I was considering going to investigate, when one-day word came in that peace had been restored to Hyrule do to the legendary "Hero of Time."

You mean to tell me that the hero is a phony? What a ripoff!

After some catching up time with my old friend I came to find out what really happened. Seems that a Gerudo named Gannondorf, an evil man from Gerduo Valley, desired the legendary Triforce.

Considering that you spelt Ganondorf and Gerudo wrong, I question whether or not you’ve only been only paying attention to Link to imagine sucking on his pixelated dick.

Though the Triforce was only told in fairy tales to the children where I come from, I was amazed to find out it really existed.

You’re amazed at the fact that such a thing exists in a universe where creatures like these exist?

She told me how she played with things she knew nothing about. And about how Gannondorf tricked the soon to be "Hero of Time" into unlocking the door to the Sacred Realm.

How fitting to put quotation marks around the supposed Hero of Time here.

I even noticed that Zelda was a little older then I. Last I saw her she was four years younger then me.

It was told to me that when Gannondorf went into the Temple of Time and into the Scared Realm, time jumped ahead in Hyrule seven years. Yet only two years passed in my land. And in the rest of the world.

If you’re eager to find an answer to how this makes sense, don’t expect to be finding one anytime soon.

After the "Hero of Time" defeated the King of Evil, the hero was granted to either return to the past or to remain in the present time. Since he chose to remain in the present Zelda jumped ahead of me in age by four years. 

Oh, and here’s a fun fact, in Ocarina of time, Link is 12 years old! And Jen was 20 when she wrote this story.

It seems that everyone in Hyrule jumped in age from the rest of the world. But now that peace was restored life resumed in Hyrule.... As I made my way down the desert trail that led to Hyrule I begun to think about whom the "Legendary Hero of Time" was.

I was very interested in meeting this man. Princess Zelda never told me his name, but I was going to make it a point this time to finally meet Hyrule's Hero. As I turned off the dirt trail and onto Hyrule field, Hyrule castle appeared in the distance.

Out of thin air!

Dust and dirt kicked up behind the wheels of my wagon as it creaked along. Then as I came closer to the gates of Hyrule castle, a familiar face appeared to greet me. I pulled back on the reins to make the horses come to a complete stop at the front gate, and I realized that the person greeting me was my good friend Princess Zelda.

Considering the fact that she’s a princess and you’re a merchant, this makes no sense.

I have been a good friend of the Royal Family ever since my first arrival in Hyrule six years ago for Hyrule's annual Spring Festival. Ever since the first day I met the Princess I have been one of her closest friends. I was even considered part of the Royal Family.

Jen, you’re ego is showing.

After I climbed down from my perch on the wagon, I ran over to Zelda and hugged her. "Hello Princess Zelda my good friend, yes it is good to see you. How have you been?" Looking at her I could tell she was happy to see me.

Who in fanfic world isn’t happy to see the one and only Mary Sue?

"Oh it is so good to see you again my friend! Come, come, father is waiting to see you!"

Despite the fact that he’d be dead at this point.

Leaving my wagon to be tended to by the stable hands I followed Zelda through the market place and to the gates that lead to the castle. As we approached the castle gates I saw some of the same guards I have seen in the past few years.

Are they going to talk about how awesome Jenna is? Does the pope shit in the woods?

Saluting to Princess Zelda and me was a guard named Perrino. I met him a few years back, during one of my first visits to Hyrule. He was one of the guards that befriended me the first time I arrived. He smiled a friendly smile as we passed by.

"Its nice to see you again Mistress Jenna." He said as he waved.

Spoilers: We never hear of this character ever again.

I’d make a counter for the amount of times Jen shows herself to be a Mary-sue at this point, but she’s done it so many times so far, that I’ve already lost track.

As I smiled back I thought to myself how good it was to be back again.

I’d rather you not buttfuck an awesome video game series, so give me a favor and get out before you wreck more stuff.

We went through the front gate and made our way towards the palace garden. Upon approaching the gates leading to the garden another familiar face appeared to greet me. As we walked closer I realized that the face was of Zelda's caretaker Impa of the Sheikahs. As I walked over to Impa she turned to fully face me and a small smile crossed her face.

"Its good to see you again my friend. How has life been treating you?" Impa asked and put a hand on my shoulder.

Ok, now would be a perfect time for a Sonic Sez.

"Oh fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. I had to chase some thief's off on the first night that I was on my way here. Though after some facing time off I was able to chase them away with my bow."

Why, do the thieves here have a fear of bows, even without the arrows? If that’s the case, why doesn’t everybody in the town buy a bow of their own to keep themselves from getting robbed?

Then I made a big grin as I remembered the looks on the thief's faces when I rained arrows on them.

Whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean.

"Well it seems that with the abilities you posses you should have no problem keeping your possessions safe."

Too bad she’d be too dumb to notice them stealing her possessions. Just remember the green text and you’ll see why.

With another smile Impa gestured for us to go into the garden.

Where the Mary Sue would hopefully get beheaded for her foul crimes towards Hyrule.

That is where I met him. The man that took my heart.

And from this point forward, things get much worse.

As we walked into the garden I saw a young man in green with his back facing us polishing a rather odd sword. As I watched him I had begun to notice something about the sword. It had a rather odd shape on the hilt. The hilt was blue with the top of the hilt looking like a fishes tail.

If the fish looked like a dildo, that is.

The sword looked rather strangely familiar.

What a coincidence, seeing how you never mentioned seeing the sword before.

I leaned over to Princess Zelda and asked her who the young man was.

"That is the Legendary "Hero of Time," his name is Link." Zelda replied.

 My eyes grew as big as saucers as I turned to look back at him. "You mean he is the "Hero of Time" you told me about? The one who saved Hyrule? Then that must be the Legendary Master Sword he is holding?"

Zelda nodded yes while saying “Yes, you big dumbass”. Just then Link turned to look at us. And with one look at his face my heart sank into my chest. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid my eyes upon. At that very moment I fell in love.

Sure he may have no personality and has the mind of a 10 year old, but he’s hot and that’s all that matters, you shallow bitch.

His eyes were like looking down into deep blue pools of water. His lips firm. His ears long and sexy. Beautiful blond hair that parted in the middle. And his body was so tight and muscular that it took my breath away. 

It’s funny how the author didn’t make a single grammatical mistake in this paragraph, yet she obviously masturbated while typing it.

When our eyes met, I blushed and swiftly looked away. He approached me and took my hand in his, gently kissed it and asked, "Who might this beautiful young lady be?"

Nope, no sign of being a Mary Sue here.

I turned my head back to face him, and as our eyes met again I blushed. "My name is Jenna, I'm a traveling merchant from the Great Lebian Coast."

And apparently she’s the only straight female on the Lesbian Co…Wait a minute, it says Lebian. WHAT THE FUCK IS A LEBIAN ANYWAY?

"My village is there." "I have been a friend of the Royal Family for a long time." "And I come every year for Hyrule's annual Spring Festival."

Isn’t it funny how you claim how you want to learn how to write a lot better, yet you misuse quotation marks all the time?

He looked into my eyes and smiled. Watching him smile made my heart pound in my chest. He again took my hand in his, kissed it again and spoke. "Nice to meet you Mistress Jenna."

Link? Are you OK? You’ve been acting a little kinky lately

"You are as beautiful as a winter rose."

Ok, who said this, was it you, was it Link, was it Zelda since you came from Lesbian Coast? Your misuse of quotation marks makes it difficult to tell.

He said as he stared at me with his enchanted blue eyes. "Th-Thank you." I stammered as I blushed again.

"What are you doing tonight?" He asked with a soft smile. " Stunned, not believing my ears I turned and looked directly into his eyes again. "Nothing really." "I was just going to retire to my wagon and cook supper before settling in front of a fire to read a book."

You just abandoned your only job just to do all of that? Smart move dipshit.

With a glint in his eyes he asked, "Why don't you join me tonight in Kokiri Village for the annual Spring Night celebration?"(2) "It is a celebration feast that happens the night before the Spring Festival."

Seeing how your footnote explains what this holiday is, before you actually explain it, I just ask why you even have footnotes to begin with if you’re already gonna spell everything out anyway.

Without hesitation I took him up on his offer. "I would love to go." I said with a soft smile. "I will pick you up this evening.” Link said with a grin.

So let me get this straight. This is only the first chapter, and a dating scene already is in progress with no development with the relationship between the two in anyway? Yeah, this won’t get boring quickly?

Just then a deep voice rumbled through the garden. "Jenna my dear friend, how have ye been?" A grandfatherly face appeared before me. With a smile I curtseyed before the King. "King Zelda, my old friend how have I missed you!"

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the king’s name King Harkinian?

" I have been just fine." " It is really nice to see you again." I said with excitement in my voice. As always the King thought of me as a daughter and always looked forward to the day when I would arrive in Hyrule for the annual Spring Festival. He always liked to see what new merchandise I have picked up thought my travels since the last time I was there. And most of the time he would buy something from me. But he always liked it when I would show up since I would bring lots of fun and happiness.

Yeah, people clearly call Jenna a Mary Sue due to her backstory not being revealed.

As I looked at the King I realized I was some what at home.

The key word being “somewhat”. In other words, NOT AT ALL!!!

As he started to approach me I ran up to the King and gave him a hug. How I missed him. Ever since my parents died when I was very young, I never let anyone get very close to me. But the King was different. He opened up to me, took me into his family and became like a father to me. He gave me a home to come to every year. When I was in Hyrule, I felt at home.

Aw, how touching, but here’s the problem. You never show instances of this, and never explained how our Mary Sue’s parents die and why the King in his right mind would adopt you for your ego stroking needs. You know the saying show don’t tell? That’s something you obviously need to learn.

"Jenna my sweet daughter, what have ye acquired through thy travels this past year?" I smiled at the King,

Jen, you’re not a princess, so stop acting like you are, because you just aren’t, you just aren’t fit for it.

"You must see some of the new cloth I picked up in the city of Skyile." "The great city of light." I smiled, as the King's eyes grew big. "Jenna my daughter, you must show me what you've acquired."

“Well, all I’ve acquired was the ability to steal the roles of other characters, act like I’m better than everybody else, show little to no personality, oh and adding pointless filler to the story like I’m doing right now.”

Then he took my hand and began to lead me out of the garden. With one last look back at Link, I smiled at him. "See you tonight." I said before I left.  After spending some time with the King, he brought some of my new cloth then let me settle in for the night.

“Daddy, why don’t you ever pay attention to me? Ever since you adopted that cum dumpster, you’ve only ever paid attention to her. I’m your real daughter.” Zelda said angrily.

“Shut up Zelda, go scrub the floors while I treat this girl we’d probably not know in real life as my daughter.” The cruel king said.

I returned to the inside of my wagon and prepared a hot bath. I went to the mirror and brushed my hair while I waited for the water to heat up.

Clearly you don’t realize that you’re in a fucking merchant’s wagon in the middle ages where indoor plumbing wasn’t invented yet, and where even today it wouldn’t even be possible to install.

After about five minuets the water was ready. As I slipped down into the warm water, it felt good against my sore muscles.

And how did your muscles become sore? So far you didn’t do anything but show of your egotism to the audience.

I begun to relax and slowly let my thoughts drift. Link was the only thing on my mind. "He is sooo handsome."

Wow, even the author is aware of how shallow she is.

I thought to myself. "That is the heroic man who became the "Legendary Hero of Time" and saved Hyrule from a life of darkness." Though something tugged at the back of my mind. I remembered that I had wanted to marry one day. 

Because you know, we all think about marriage on the first day of a date.

And Link would be a good choice since he was my age, strong, smart, and handsome and would help make strong beautiful children.

Too bad those words don’t describe you in real life.

Yes indeed Link would make a good husband. Then I took the soap and washed up.

Please, please clean yourself, you are are way too dirty for anybody’s tastes.

After I washed I got out of the tub and dried off.  I went to the wardrobe closet to pick out a dress for this evening's occasion. After some rummaging, I picked a low v cut white dress with lace that held the v together. Gold embroidered Triforce symbols lined the bottom of the dress. And the sleeves started from mid arm and ran all the way down my arm to my wrist. Next I picked a gold choker with the Triforce symbol for around my neck. And a gold Triforce ring for my finger. Then I had to do my hair. I braided my hair into a halo braid and ran a beautiful silver lace through it. After that I went to the full-length mirror to look at myself. As I looked myself over, a knock came at the door.

Ok, now I’m convinced that you don’t have a merchandising wagon at all, and this is just a medieval version of a motorhome.

"Come!" I yelled. Appearing in the doorway was the man I had set my eyes on. His eyes grew big, as he looked me over.

Why are everybody’s eyes growing? What, does everybody use radioactive chemicals as eye drops or something?

"You look beautiful tonight." Link said as he took my hand and kissed it.

What’s with Link and his constant need to kiss people’s hands? Did you not think that was the least bit creepy? Do I need to play that Sonic Sez clip again?

Then he led me out the door. There were two horses in front saddled for riding. One was a rust colored mare with a white main and tail with a black mussel.

I’m not that much of an animal expert, but isn’t a mussel a type of clam?

The other was one of my brown mares with a black main and tail. The one he had gotten was the one with the white star on her forehead. The one whom I named "Star Dancer."

Seriously? You call the horse Star Dancer? That’s sounds like the name of a pony from MLP:FiM, not a name you’d actually give to a horse.

He led me to my mare and helped me into the saddle.

Because the merchant that has to use horses just to move her cart around needs help getting on a horse. Wow, you’re one lazy fuck, you know that?

Then he mounted the other horse. Looking back at me his eyes seemed to glow in the moonlight. "Follow me, I will lead the way." Then he booted the horse in the legs and took off at a slow gallop. I then followed. We rode to the south side of Hyrule field and came upon a long dark tunnel. "This way!" Link called. "Through here!" I watched as Link disappeared into the tunnel.

That was fortunate of him, now he won’t see that cum dumpster ever again.

Then I followed. At the other end we crossed a bridge and then into what seemed to be a village.

Little people wearing green clothes that looked like kids started to surround us when we stopped.

They literally make clothes out of kids? How fucked up is this place?

"This is the Kokiri Village." "The place where I was raised." Link said as he dismounted. After I dismounted one of the kid like Kokiri took our horses to tend to them.

That’s strange, your horse turned into a Kokiri citizen and then took them to…WHAT IN GOD’S NAME AM I READING????????????!!!!!!!!

As I walked around the village the child like people began watching me. They all seemed very curious to who I was. As I looked around at them I noticed that they had something floating around them. As I took a closer look I noticed that they looked like fairies from the fairy tales told to us in our village as kids. "Were these really fairies from the stories I heard as a child?" I thought to myself. Just then one of the Kokiri, a young girl approached me. "My name is Saria, what's yours?" The young girl asked. "My name is Jenna, it's a pleasure to meet you." I replied. "Are you the one that came with my friend Link for our Spring Night Festival?" Saria's eyes seemed to glow at that moment. "Yes he invited me." I said as a smile crossed the Kokiri girl's face.

Oh my god, I’m just getting so bored with this story, is this filler really that important for this stupid story? If so, shorten it down or something, because now you’re boring the hell out of everyone.

I could tell that she knew I had my eyes set on Link, though she remained silent about it. There were male Kokiri as well.

No shit, otherwise how would this civilization still be around?

One in particular was one named Mido. He was the leader of the Kokiri and a dear friend of Saria and Link. He had a sense of humor but he yet remained stern and headstrong for he was their leader and was responsible for their lives.

What? A character with a personality? I thought I’d never see one of those. Sure, the character is almost completely out of character, but hey, at least we have a character that might show some type of emotion. Too bad the character which has the most potential of being likable is a jerk in canon.

It was time for the feast, Saria gestured for me to join them at the feast table. She led me to the seat next to Link. As I sat down next to him she smiled and winked at me. "Did she plan this?" I asked myself, and then smiled.

Jen, your 20 minute rambling you call an author’s note is now being proven invalid. They set up a feast for you even when it’s established that they don’t know who you are.

After a moment I looked over all of the food. There was a great abundance of food to eat. There was cooked pork in a rich chestnut cream sauce, beef stew, cooked turkey, all different kinds of cheeses, bread and butter, cooked vegetables and even many different kinds of fruit. My mouth began to water as I combed over the food.

OK author, if you’re going to write a story about your wet dreams, could you at the very least not pull things out of your ass when writing about them? The fruit and vegetables are understandable since they live in the forest, but cooked pork, chestnut cream, beef stew, turkey, bread? Where in the world would they be able to get any of this stuff?

After I served myself to the citizens, everybody in the village ate me up and celebrated for my death.

Oh thank god the author just roasted herself for everyone to eat her. Well this story ended quickly.

Man, if only that actually happened.

I began to eat. As I was eating I could not help but notice that Link was watching me out of the corner of his eye.

Get ready for the stupid, people. it’s coming for us all. Don’t say you didn’t see it coming.

I could feel his stare. Though it was pleasant.

I could have sworn that he was staring at your hand, because he does seem to have some type of unnatural attraction to it. Probably because it has more personality than you do.

Then our eyes met and a smile crossed his face.

As I stared into his eyes they seemed to glow under the light of the moon. He even looked more handsome in the moonlight.

You clearly like Link for more than his looks. But seriously, you think you’re ready to marry Link when your perspective of love and sex are completely misguided?

And I told myself that I would be crazy to pass up a man like this. After everyone finished eating, all of the Kokiri got up and started to dance. Some of the Kokiri even played instruments.

Some Kokiri played instruments at a dance? That’s so unthinkable.

As the music drifted in the air Link took my hand in his. "Would you care to dance?"

Oh god damn it Jen, you cannot be serious.

I looked at him and smiled. "Yes, I'd love to." He led me to where everyone else was and we started to dance. We danced and drank long into the night.

Hey, I’m beginning to see the other inspiration for this story. And speaking of which, since the citizens are children, why are they drinking?

And to show my appreciation I even did a solo dance.

Yes Jenna, you clearly show your understanding of love through your supposed solo dance that most likely involves a silver pole.

Then after I did my dance I went to sit down and rest. I was tired. Link came and sat down beside me. "You look real tired."


"Are you ready to retire." Link said as he put his hand on my shoulder. I nodded yes and tried to get up and walk. But I was so tired and had too much to drink that I stumbled.

Catching me in his arms, Link led me back to where I was sitting. "I think it would be wise if you stay here tonight."

Because you know, the citizens who are all underaged mix well with the whore we call Jenna.

" I have plenty of room and I can escort you back to the castle in the morning."

Haven’t you seen Link’s Treehouse?

Look at the size of it, they would not be able to live in their comfortably. Plenty of room my aching ass.

Link looked at me with a worried look and I decided to stay. And that is how we spent every night together,

Wow, this has got to be the most repetitive date I’ve ever heard of.

even up to the night when I finally shared his bed.

Again, how the flying fuck would she… oh never mind.

Attached Image

I started to know within side myself that Link was the one I wanted to be with. Even more so on the night when I shared myself with him......


It was a warm spring night and night had just arrived.

*Bangs head on wall* Are you shitting me?

Link and I were sharing the quiet sounds of the night together. I had been seeing Link for a little more then a month. The Spring Festival had come and gone and the warm weather was finally returning.

Why make a huge deal out of the festival if you’re going to forget it ever happened a day later?

All signs of winter were almost gone and my time in Hyrule was about to end for this year.

Wait, now all of the sudden this story took place in the winter even though there were no clues of it being winter? Then again, I am trying to find logic in a story where a merchant becomes part of a royal family, and where the merchant’s wagon somehow has indoor plumbing, in the middle ages no less.

In two weeks I would be leaving for the city of Tar Vera. Knowing this made me sad to go since I did not want to leave Link.

Yes, leave, please leave this canon alone before you make things worse.

I had finally found someone that I truly loved


and I would have to leave him behind when it was time to leave.

I, as well as all of the people reading would prefer you to leave than to see you remove the remaining amount of dignity in Link bit by bit.

Even Link was not happy after I told him that I would be leaving soon.

When I told him his face went from happy to a depressed one.

How does one’s face turn into a number, and what feelings would it emote?

He wanted to be with me and he wanted me to stay in Hyrule with him. But I was going to spend every last minute I had left with him enjoying it.

Which begs the question, why doesn’t she just move to Hyrule and have a job there? Doesn’t that make everything a lot easier? Not that I think she should, but seriously author, how about thinking for a change?

We had remained quiet for quite some time, then it was Link who broke the silence. "Jenna........ it has been a wonderful almost two months with you......."

“I can’t say the same for the people that read this story though.”

I watched him as he stuttered to find his words.

This is the “Hero of Time” you’re dating? The one that is brave enough to fight evil and yet very bashful and nervous around the slime ball you are?

"Even as short as it was‚ I really enjoyed the time I've spent with you." "I wish you did not have to leave." "I do not think I will ever find another quite like you."

I don’t know what you’re talking about Link, you can find girls like her all over the place.

Link said as a look of sadness appeared in his eyes. At that moment I was on the verge of tears. I was in love with him.


I leaned over and softly placed my lips on his and kissed him tenderly. Then he looked deeply into my eyes and told me he loved me.

Of course he does, don’t you get it? You’re the Mary Sue, and he’s the one you have sex with in the wet dream.

With those words I began to cry. I had never felt this way before. Like the way he makes me feel when I'm with him.

Which means that you’ve already had that feeling before?

He gently took his hand and wiped away my tears. Then he put his hand underneath my chin and slowly lifted my head up until our eyes met.

You know what that means…

With his hand, he drew my face close to his, gently placed his lips on mine and kissed me softly. At that moment I took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. As our tongues met I started to feel his hands caressing my body.

That’s right, an upcoming sex scene I need to bitch about and make fun of.

As he gently caressed my body, I let out small moans into his mouth.

I hope he didn’t choke on them.

Then he moved his lips to my neck, placing sweet nibbles on it

Bleh, Bleh, I am the Count Suckula, I vant to suck your dignity. Oh wait, you never had any, my bad!

as his hands trickled up my back to the clasp of my dress. Little by little he slowly started to remove my dress and I felt my body quivering under the gentle caressing of his broad hands as he pulled the dress down off my legs and tossed it aside.

Slowly he moved back to my lips and kissed me forcefully, his tongue begun probing my mouth. My tongue slowly met his, causing it to intertwine with his, tasting the sweetness of him.

Then we broke off the kiss and I looked into his dark blue eyes as I reached up to remove the belt from around his waist.
Slowly I pulled off his belt letting it fall to the ground, then I slipped my hands under his tunic and swiftly removed it as his lips went to my breasts.

Um no, that’s not possible, do you even know how sex works? Or have you been looking at porn to create this wonderful little scene?

As his lips and tongue teased the nipples of my breasts,

Wait, you mean to tell me that you wore nothing under that dress? Ew.

I felt new feelings swarm threw my body.

I’d prefer these to swarm your body than anything else.

My back arched and groans of pure pleasure escaped past my lips. Never had I felt such feelings before.

Liar, you have had such feelings with him in real life, only it involved your right hand as well. And I really would not surprised you typed this with only your left hand.

Never had my body ever felt such pleasure. Then Link slowly moved his lips down my body till he reached my navel. When he kissed it a giggle passed my lips.

Yep, you learned sex from pornography, because I have no clue about how this works.

Then he looked up and we looked into each other's eyes as I reached up to his chest and placed my hands on the lace that held the collar together of his white under shirt. His body started quivering as my hands worked across his chest while I removed his white undergarments.

You know you suck at being an erotic author when you use the word undergarments. How is this supposed to be erotic again?

Then I yanked it off, exposing his beautiful heavenly naked body. A body of pure heaven.

How much you wanna bet that things are just about to get creepier and a lot more questionable?

Our lips met again as he gently pushed me down onto his bed, climbing on top of me. I begun to feel his heart beating in his chest as his lips moved back to the nipples on my breasts. Soft moans of pleasure passed my lips as he nibbled gently on my nipples causing them to become erect.

That’s just the cold my dear.

As he teased my nipples with his lips and tongue, I felt his handwork its way down my body. First to my thighs, then between my legs. He gently brushed his hand across the lips of my mound and I groaned to tell him to continue.

I’m sorry, but who the hell calls their pussy their mound? That sounds more like a slang used for a woman’s breast rather than their quim. Are you referring to… Ew, don’t tell me Link now has a thing for pubic hair as well. But then again, it probably has a lot more personality than you, just like your hand.

Slowly his fingers probed around the inside of my flower, sending strange new pleasurable feelings cursing threw my body.

Funny, because this whole story is a curse.

I moaned louder as his fingers caressed the inside of my mound, moving in a slow up and down motion.

That’s some pretty strange stuff you’re doing to her crab-bidden pubes, Link.

Then his fingers brushed against my clit, and I screamed out as a pulse of pure ecstasy raced threw me.

Wow, you’re not as sexually misguided as I thought you were, you literally know nothing about sex. I’m not that much of an expert on sex myself, but I can tell you that the clitoris is not some magic button that causes someone to automatically go into an orgasm. And why is Link even going to that part if all he had done so far is nibble on her neck, sucked her tits, and played with her pubes? Damn, this orgasm is going quicker than I thought it would.

I grabbed his hand and pulled it closer, telling him that I wanted more. Taking the hint, he teased me, as his hand brushed across my clit every few strokes, and then shook the crabs off his fingers.

My body shuddered under his touch as my soft moans turned into cries of pleasure and pure ecstasy. As Link's fingers teased and caressed my mound, his fingers moved down until they brushed over the entrance.

God no, don’t tell me we transitioned to anal sex.

Slowly Link inserted a finger, slipping it into the wetness probing me inside, causing animal like cries to pass my lips.

I never knew your vaginal fluids were such big explorers of your filthy slot.

Then I arced my back and screamed in pure ecstasy as he begun to thrust his broad fingers deep inside my hot wetness. New feelings flooded threw my body,

Wow, even your feelings hate you so much they decided to throw you across the room to beat you up.

rushing to my head like a sugar high,

And this is coming from the same person that called everybody that flamed her childish.

as his fingers pushed their way in and out of my sleek beautiful body.

Being the narcissist you are, and the fact you described your body in such a fashion, it looks like Link’s not the only one you masturbate to.

With each thrust, my legs shuddered sending momentary shocks to my lower organs.

Lower Organs? Are you having an orgasm in your colon?

Then I arched my back, my body screaming in ecstasy as his movements became faster.  I reached up and dug my nails into his muscular back as the eternal bliss raced through my every vein.

I began feeling jolts of pure hot passion surging through my lower organs, through my bones as I felt myself starting to climax.

Well, since you also have a thing for electricity, want me to try out my new taser on you?

My back arced again and I grunted in cat like sounds as he begun to thrust his fingers deeper, upping the movement.

My hands felt his back become sweaty as I dug my nails in deeper, peeling his skin straight from the bone.

Then my slender body twisted as I came to full climax, and I screamed in ecstasy as my warm juices gushed down his hand.

Again, that just doesn’t happen.

Falling back painting a picture of the revolting sex I had with Link to post on DeviantArt. I looked into his eternal blue eyes. " I want to make love to you." I whispered to him as he ate my body with his hungry stare.

Yes, that bitch is finally dead, she’s actually been eaten by somebody for real.

This is just the author’s misuse of words isn’t it?

"I've wanted to make love to you from the first day I met you."


Link said as his hungry lips returned to my beautiful neck.

And you wonder why people call you a Mary Sue.

Then I bucked my head back and cat like sounds escaped passed my lips as he pressed his hot body down against mine.

Are you transforming into a panther? Because that’s got to be the reason why you’re making cat sounds and peeling Link’s back skin.

As I ran my nails down his sweaty back and I felt our hearts starting to beat faster as our bodies became hungry for each other.

*sobs* Please, just eat each other. Do anything that will make this sex scene end.

Suddenly strange new feelings begun to surge through me as our passions ignited.

And what are those feeling exactly. I swear, I’ll except any type of cliched feelings, just explain it to me.

Then as he penetrated deep inside my sweaty body, the feeling rushed through me like a raging river, the feeling of.......... feeling like a women.

And it took her that long to think of something as cliched as that?

Never had I felt this way before.

Since you have the mind of a 13 year old fangirl, while you wrote this when you were 20, this doesn’t surprise me

I felt my body beginning to surge with strange new feelings

Do I really need to repeat myself again and again to keep you from repeating yourself again and again?

as I let my virginity slip away. 

I had no idea you had control over losing your virginity to begin with.

As we made love I whispered in his ear that he made me feel like a women and to my surprise he said I made him feel like a man.

Link has killed tons of dragons, demons, and other scary creatures, and the Gary Stu was only convinced he was a man when the Mary Sue told him so? Yeah, I say bullshit on that.

We made love long into the night. For filing each other's hot desires and fantasies.

Yo dawg, I heard you like fantasies, so I put a fantasy inside your fantasy to fantasize over this Gary Stu as much as possible.

And I thought to myself that this was one thing I did not want to miss. I wanted to drink in every part of him. And after it was over I could not wait to feel him again.

As for me, I guess I could let it wait. After experiencing that, I don’t want to know what to expect the next time you boink Link.

The next few days were depressing.

It was nothing but pure shame for that retched sex scene we just witnessed.

Us knowing that I was leaving in less then two weeks made us depressed. The nights were spent mostly quiet except for the occasional sigh. I was beginning to think I'd never be this happy again.

On the other hand, I take so much pleasure in your pain and suffering.

Link made me feel special. He made me feel like a women. And he was my first.

Get used to this folks, we’ll be hearing this a lot throughout the rest of the story.

"Do I really have to leave?" I asked myself. But then I remembered that the places I travel to every year were counting on me so I had to go. Love or not.


It was the day before I was leaving. I was at the market place for the last time for this year. I was at my stand selling what I had left when I saw Link enter the market and headed for where I was. As I watched him I wondered if this was going to be the last time I was ever going to see him. I began to cry when he approached me.

Oh, get over it, you never really loved him to begin with.

Taking his hand he gently wiped away my tears and told me not to cry. He looked deeply into my brown eyes and told me he had something to tell me.

“You’re a whore and you should be ashamed of what you did to my world"

Then he got down on one knee and produced a small gold box.

Again, Out of thin air!!!!

He opened it to reveal...

a gold diamond ring inside.

With a loud gasp I clopped my hands over my mouth. Then he took my hand in his. "Will you marry me?" He asked with hope in his eyes as I started to cry again.

"Oh my Goddesses......yes, yes I will!" I said in between tears.

Um, Jen this may have not gotten passed your head the first time I’ve told this to you. But, um… what was I going to tell you again? Oh yeah that’s right. YOU’VE ONLY BEEN WITH LINK FOR A MONTH!!!!!!!!! All you’ve ever done with him was just hang out with him without even having a single conversation with one another and little to no development between your relationship with Link. You really think you’re ready to date him when you showed you have no knowledge about love or sex? I really hope you die in a chasm.

He took my left hand and placed the ring on my finger. Then he got up, we embraced and started to kiss. Now I knew I did not have to leave. Hyrule was meant to be my home.

Despite the fact that you were adopted by the Royal family and treated like royalty, and the King treats you more like a daughter than he does towards Zelda, everybody welcomes you back to your supposed home. And it doesn’t occur to you that you think this is your home? Again, Consistency, da fuck is dat?!!

We were destined to be together.

And you don’t give a damn about the places you have to go to in the year? Oh I get it, in Hyrule, if you’re married, women lose their jobs apparently. I don’t know, it’s just more stupid shit the author pulled out of her ass.

Summer finally arrived and signs of spring were slowly fading. I was spending my days at Hyrule castle helping with the chores and making plans for my upcoming wedding.

But you already said that Hyrule was meant to be your home.

Link spent his days building a home in the Lost Woods for us to live in after we were married.

Too bad you’ll be Stalfos after the first night.

I was excited about our upcoming wedding. I was marring Link.

Jesus, why are you tearing Link apart? And I thought the creatures in Lost Woods were brutal.

I finally had the man I fell in love with. He was special to me. And he was building a home for us to live in.

God damn it, I feel like I’ve gotten myself stuck in a Groundhog’s Day loop that will never end until I finish reading this story, which will probably be never.

A home for us to raise our family in.

You know, in a land where everything wants to kill you.

Link told me he wanted to be a father and that most of all he wanted a son.

Who’s this reminding you of?

We had talked about having children together. When I first started my traveling, I did not want children, but now that I was marring Link, I decided I wanted to have children with him.

So you decided you wanted children after you tore Link apart, and not before you had sex with him? And you wonder why people make fun of you.

Having children by him would make them strong and beautiful, since Link was strong and beautiful himself.

Are you sure 'bout that?

Even my friendship with Princess Zelda and her father grew stronger when we told them about our engagement and that we were going to have children.

Woah, that totally came out of nowhere, and while we’re at it, does this sound at all the very least realistic? The fact that Zelda is OK with the fact that Jenna is stealing her potential love interest?

Since Zelda was not betrothed and had not yet wed, this was the closest thing to her being a mother and the King being a grandfather.



Now that we were to wed my life was almost complete.

*laughs and then sobs* God, please have mercy on my soul, this is unbearable. And it’s only going to get worse.

This post has been edited by VGtree054: May 17 2015, 08:40 AM

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post May 17 2015, 10:41 AM
This text=The fanfiction I will be reading today
This text=My commentary on said fanfiction

So after that grotesque sex scene we’ve looked at, we turn to this boring little chapter…
The Wedding

It was the day of our wedding and I had been nervous all day long.

And being the Sue you are, you’re probably just putting this in to redeem yourself after that horrible sex scene.

The time to walk down the isle drew near, and I felt a rush of nervousness run through me.

Hyrule isn’t an island doofus.

But I was not going to let that stop my wedding day. I was in the bridal chamber with Impa and Princess Zelda. As Impa and Princess Zelda worked on my hair,

“God, I hate this role stealing bitch, she gets treated like royalty while I’m standing here brushing her greasy locks.” Zelda thought.

“Ditto” Impa thought.

I stared down at my dress, fingering with the lacy design at my waist.

DESCRIPTION PORN INCOMING!!!!!!!! You're going to be seeing it a lot in this chapter.

The dress was the most beautiful and the most expensive I had ever seen.

Of course it is, because you, the Sue get all of the nice things in the world while everyone else doesn’t get diddly squat.

The King had spared no expense when he had it made.

Excuse me, but why does the King of Hyrule care more about the wedding of a peasant, than that of his daughter’s? You know, the one who actually loves Link and is not a shallow whore?

The top of the dress was a low "V" cut with lace that crisscrossed in front of my breasts to hold them up.

Are these details so vital to the story that they had to make up one entire paragraph? No, I’m serious, these descriptions for her damn dress take up an entire paragraph.

And a feathery lace design lined the edges. Inter woven in the lace was an intricate design of pearls and at the very center was a gold Triforce design. The lace design "V at the waist and a different lace pattern started where the other left off. The other pattern was all of the Triforce design. Smaller gold Triforce symbols lined the bottom of the dress. The sleeves were a see through lace that ran from mid arm all the way down to my wrist and attached at my middle finger. My veil had a full pearl design at the front and small solid white Triforce designs lines the edges. After I was fully dressed all that was left to do was finish my hair.

That was some of the most riveting dialog you’ve ever read, wasn’t it? Also, Jenna, how many people in Hyrule do you see wearing Triforce embedded dressed other than the princess herself? That’s right, none. You wanna know why? Because the Triforce strictly belongs to the Royal Family, and you my creepy womanchild, because I don’t consider you a friend, are not part of the Royal Family no matter how hard you try to rape the Zelda series. You must be Zelda’s evil doppelgänger or something, because that’s got to be an explanation for all of this madness.

Impa stopped working on my hair and let Zelda finish it.

What? You said earlier that the both of them worked on your hair, now it’s only Impa that’s working on it? Make up your damn mind.

She walked over to a table and picked something up.

It was a razor she used to cut off all of her disgusting hair.

When she came back over she handed me a gold choker that had a Triforce charm with a Diamond dangling in the center. I looked up at Impa while I fingered it. It was very beautiful. I started to say something but Impa interrupted me. "It will look beautiful on you." She took it and the Sheika smiled as she fastened it around my neck. Then I smiled back at her." Thank you Impa." "Its very beautiful."

Oh let’s talk about that for a second, how Jen uses the “It looks beautiful on me” excuse to get off scott free from stealing other people’s possessions. You see, Jenna here believes that just because some person says that a piece of jewelry or piece of clothing looks beautiful on her, that automatically makes it OK for her to take the possession for no good reason. Take a look at what she takes next to see why this logic brings my blood to a boil.

Just then Princess Zelda said she was done with my hair.

Does Zelda being the Princess of Hyrule ring any bells? She would not dare to brush your lice bidden locks, if anything, she’d call her servants to do it.

I walked over to a mirror to take a look. The sides of my hair were done into a halo braid. The back of f my hair was done up into four smaller braids that looped up and attached to the back of f the halo braid.

Bugs Bunny: “I’ve heard of Hell’s Angels, but I never thought I’d see one.”

A silvery lace ran from the front of my hair to the back of my head and then around the four smaller braids.

As I touched my hair with my hand I turned to look at Princess Zelda and smiled at her. "Thank you soo much, I just love it." I cooed as she smiled back.

And what does Zelda get as a reward for this? You’ll see.

As princess Zelda looked me over she said something was missing.

Let’s see, there’s her dignity, her intelligence, her personality, her independence, her sanity, her ability to not look like a role stealing cunt, and much much more.

After thinking for a bit, she turned and walked over to her vanity and opened up a small jewelry box.

Coincidentally, you have a vanity of your own.

She picked up something out of it closed the jewelry box lid and walked back over to me.

As if our incredibly horny heroine wasn’t already drowned in expensive jewelry

Taking my left hand she held up my hand and fastened a beautiful gold bracelet around my wrist. Looking at it I could tell it was real expensive. The bracelet was of pure solid gold.

And what is in the center of the bracelet? Come on, I’ll give you 30 seconds to take a guess. Good Luck! You’re gonna need it!

At the center was a Triforce charm.

If you answered with anything else, then you clearly weren’t paying attention to the events prior to this.

Diamonds lined the edges of the bracelet and Rubies lined the inner part. At the center of the Triforce charm was an Emerald.

I looked back up at Princess Zelda and she smiled a kind of a sad smile.

Are you sure its not because you’re stealing her likable traits? That's got to be the most sensible reason.

"It was my mother's." "But I want you to have it." She said with a hint of sadness in her voice.  A blank looked crossed my face as I looked back down at the bracelet. "I....I cannot accept this." I said as I held my wrist back out at her. Princess Zelda blinked in surprise. "Nonsense....mother would have done the same thing if she were here." "Besides I want you to have it." "It looks beautiful on you." "Take it........and that's an order." Impa nodded in agreement and I smiled back.

So let me get this straight, Zelda, the princess of Hyrule, is actually giving an expensive bracelet that she stated belonged to her mother, whom we can imply is dead, to a peasant she’s not even related to, all because she thinks it will look pretty on her? I’m at a loss of words for this, I’m literally at a loss of words for how disgusting that was.

"Thank you soo much!" I said as I hugged my friend.

Satisfied with how I looked we got my bouquet and headed towards the courtyard.

The wedding was about to begin. There was a loud bustle as people tried to find their seats. Everyone in Hyrule had attended. Even all of the sages had to attend. The King would settle for no less. All of Hyrule was going to witness Link and I being wed.

Wow, the King is a nice guy to have to invite all of these people that he had never met to a wedding for a merchant he should’t give two shits about.

As the crowd begun to settle down the King came to my side. Since he was like a father to me,

And cares more about you than his actual daughter, because everything must go your way.

he was going to be the one who was giving me away to Link.

Or rather its because you’re the Mary Sue. Seriously, how many times have I used the term “Mary Sue” throughout this ego-trip? A whole damn lot, I can tell you that.

I started to get nervous again as the wedding music begun to play.

And this is supposed to make you feel special? All brides have this feeling at one point or another.

First the flower girl went out. As she spread the flower petals along the red carpet she looked like a little angel. I hoped that the day Link and I had children we would have a girl as pretty as her.

Too bad that pretty face of hers will probably be sliced off the first day at your supposed home.

Then I watched as all my brides maids were walked out one by one with the ushers. Next I saw Link being walked out with Princess Zelda.

“I’m sorry that I’m forced to be married to this parasite.” Link said to Zelda.

“It’s Ok, this is only her screwed up fantasies, after all.” Zelda said to Link.

He looked soo handsome dressed in Prince clothes as he walked down the isle.

Which doesn’t make sense seeing that Link is not a prince.

When he reached the alter and took his place it was my turn to walk. Taking the King's arm we begun to walk down the isle.

Would it kill you to use Microsoft Word’s spellcheck to know that it aisle, and not isle?

As we walked my eyes darted around the room.

Holy shit! You’ve got some pretty erratic eyeballs there.

The nervousness rushed over me. Then my eyes landed on Link.


I could see his beautiful smile, but since I was nervous I was glad Link could not see my face from underneath my veil.

*sigh* Stop with the fucking nerves already, you’re not special.

When we reached the alter, I took my place at Link's left. Zelda my Maid of Honor was to my left, and Daurina (It’s Darunia, geez, I’ve never played Ocarina of Time and even I know more about this shit.) Link's Best Man was to his right.

Its bad enough that the princess of Hyrule loses her potential to marry the land’s hero, but now she’s treated less like royalty and more like a servent. Beautiful, just beautiful.

Before I fixed my eyes forward I looked at Link from the corner of my eye.

That made no sense what so ever.

Man how I loved him.

There’s 2 things wrong with that sentence. First of all, you’re saying this in a fantasy setting, and it doesn’t fit. And second, it makes it obvious to the readers that you were masturbating while typing up this fapfic, I mean story.

Then the preacher begun to speak. "We have gathered here today to witness this man and woman being joined in Holy Matrimony."


"This is a special time, a Holy time when a man and a woman come together and are joined under the witness of god."

What happened to the Three Goddesses? They were the ones that created the triforce to begin with so that it could cover your expensive dress.

"May your marriage bring long life and happiness."

And a day later, Link realized the Sue was a dumb slut, divorced her, and left her to die alone. The End.

"Do you Link take this woman to be your wife, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death do you part?"

I think a more appropriate question would be:

“Do you Link take this leech to be your wife, to fuck endlessly, to be used as an organic sex toy, and to have the last bit of dignity removed from you until canon raping does this canon part?”

"Yes I do." Link responded.

No, Link, don’t do it! The fan base is going to be made fun of due to your decision.

'And do you Jenna take this man to be your husband, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death do you part?" "Yes…Yes I do." I said softly.

Congratulations Link, you screwed up. Get ready to experience the hell that awaits you.

" The rings please." The preacher gestured for the ring bearer to bring over the rings. We were handed each other's ring and told to give each other our personal vows.

Impossible. The both of you have no personality to give each other personal vows.

Taking my left hand Link slid the ring on my finger. "With this ring I thee wed." Link said with passion. Then I took his left hand and slid the ring on his finger. "With this ring I thee wed." I said as I looked deeply into his eyes.

We then looked back at the preacher and he finished the ceremony. "If there is anyone who thinks this man and woman should not be joined let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

Me, as well as anybody reading this mock or reading the story in general.

After a moment of silence, the preacher spoke again. "By the power vested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife." "You may now kiss the bride."

Gently Link lifted up my veil and for a moment we stared deeply into each other's eyes. Then I closed my eyes, as he gently took me into his arms and gently pressed his lips on mine. Then every one started clapping as we made our marriage final. I felt a rush of happiness run through me.

*sigh* is it me or does this story just get more and more boring. I mean, why the hell wouldn’t anybody get bored at this point, it’s just a generic wedding scene.

It felt warm, like the sun.

So, this is the best analogy you could come up with?

As we kissed everything was silent, only the sound of our hearts beating together was heard.

What, no thunderous clapping?

This was the happiest day of my life.

It would be, the only thing that would make it better for you would be if you were to give Link a blow job.

Next I gestured for all of my Bride's Maids and my Maid of Honor to gather around behind me. Then I turned my back and threw the bouquet over my shoulder. Everyone reached to grab it, but it was Princess Zelda that caught it. I looked at her and a smile crossed her rosy face as I winked.

And that’s the very most you give the princess of Hyrule when she gives you tons of expensive jewelry and clothing, and even gives you her deceased mother’s braclet? Congrats, you’ve reached a brand new low.

She would be the next to wed.

Aw, the author’s trying to make it seem that she gives a shit about Zelda.

Then I looked at Link, smiled at him and took his arm. He led me out towards the reception hall as everyone threw rose petals over us.

*Growls* Again, no sign of being a Mary Sue here.

The reception hall was set quite beautifully. There were flower displays, white dove symbols interlocked with the Triforce lined the walls, there were white candles lining the room and a huge wedding cake sat in the center.

Do you have any idea how anything works? They clearly should’t be having a modern wedding with a reception hall and all that other stuff, BECAUSE THE DAMN STORY TAKES PLACE IN THE GOD DAMN MIDDLE AGES!!!!! CAN’T YOU JUST THINK FOR GOD DAMN ONCE? I’D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DID!!!!!!!

As everyone filled in to the room, Link and I went over to the cake and stood side by side behind it. The music begun to play as Link and I took the knife and cut the cake. We each took a piece and fed it to each other. He missed my mouth and got some on my face.

Yes, you heard it folks, the “Hero of time” is a master at archery, yet he can’t put a piece of cake into somebody’s mouth. Is this supposed to be an allegory or something?

Next thing I knew we had cake all over our faces. And I giggled as I smeared some on his nose. People laughed at the funny sight and I smiled at Link as we started whipping the cake off our faces.

Raise your hand if you think that this is incredibly stupid, even for fapfic standards. I thought so.

There were two goblets sitting by the cake, and a bottle of Champagne next to them.

Well if the Champagne region doesn’t exist in this world how does Champagne even exist here?

Link popped the cork and poured the Champagne into the goblets. He put the bottle down and we picked up the goblets, interlocked arms and drank from each other's cups.

Doesn’t that spread germs?

Everyone clapped and then made a toast to our marriage. "May your life together bring happiness and new experiences while you’re raping the canon and bringing on horrible sex scene after horrible sex scene!”

Zelda said as she raised her goblet high and saw the doppelgänger die from sipping the poison she swapped with the champagne. ”Here, here!!" Some one else Zelda yelled.

[b]*Link runs to Zelda* Oh thank god, you saved me from that creep, now lets get the hell out of here.

Then the music changed in to a dance, and everyone crowded onto the ballroom floor. Link led me by the hand and the crowd formed a circle around us as we begun to dance together.

Because all must adore the…You know the rest.

As I danced with Link I felt like I was dancing on air. Felt light as a feather.

Just like the inside of your head.

I got into the music, my thoughts drifted and I begun to flow in unison with Link's body.

Please don’t tell me this leads to another sex scene.

He took the lead and I let myself go with the flow.

*Snores* *Wakes up* Oh, I’m sorry, its just that this scene is so boring that it made me fall asleep.

As I looked into his beautiful dark blue eyes, there was passion flickering in them.

Just beware dear, that may be him warming up his laser eyes.

His eyes made me melt in his arms, and as we danced together I felt at peace.

Mmm, maybe Link realized how much of a bitch you are, so he zapped you with his secret weapon, his laser eyes.

When we were done dancing, it was time for our wedding song to be played.

Link had found someone to sing our wedding song. A beautiful young redheaded girl named Malon from Lon Lon ranch was to sing for us. She got up on the platform and started to sing "Your love floats on the wings of a dove"

What about “Your dignity and likability sink on the stone in the sea the more we get into the story”, that’s a much more fitting song for this marriage.

Malon's voice was very beautiful and as she sung the song it moved me.

Seeing how you pulled a name as cliched as "Your love floats on the wings of a dove" out of your ass, that’s not just doubtful, that’s fucking doubtful.

I moved closed to Link and laid my head on his shoulder. He took his arm and put it around me my neck as Malon continued to sing he suffocated me. The song was so moving that tears of happiness begun to steam down my face.

I never knew you were so touched by cliched things instead of by things with actual meaning.

I looked deeply into Links deep blue eyes and whispered to him that he was my everything. My world.

A whole new wooooooorld, a new disgusting point of view.

I saw love in his eyes, in his facial expressions,

he brought my face closer to his and told me that I was his one true love, his first intimately, and his world. His passion made me feel good inside, warmed my soul. I felt like the sky was limit. And when I was with him it felt like flying.

Because this doesn’t sound creepy at all.

At the end it was time for Link and I to leave for our Honeymoon.

Oh boy.

As we walked out of the castle and to the awaiting rusty brown mare, the King and Zelda had one last gift to give. Zelda walked up to me and took my hand placed an Ocarina in it and closed my fingers around it. "I want you to have this as my gift to you both." I looked at it and Link's face grew a surprised look. "Are you sure?" Link looked at her squarely. "I know that these are the keys to the door of time, but I think that it would be safer with the both of you." Zelda replied with a reassured look in her eyes. I looked at Link and he knew I was confused. "This is what Gannondorf used in tricking me to open the door to the Sacred Realm." Link said as remembered that day, he never forgot it. I remembered what I was told, the stories of Gannondorf. But Link and I holding the keys might be safer.

blink.gif No, no, no, you… you wouldn’t, you seriously wouldn’t. You’re giving the Ocarina of time to the Sue. You’re giving an almighty relic, to a merchant, with no brains, no combat skills, nothing. An almighty relic, one that can do so many incredible acts, and you’re giving it to to this dumb little bitch who will never use it.

You just stated, that you’re giving this Mary Sue this powerful relic. You can’t be this stupid, you just can not be this stupid. Do, do, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUCKING STUPID THAT SOUNDED? I can write a novel about how much this does not compute, but I still wouldn’t be able to list them all, so I’ll stick to the main reasons.

First of all, she’s once again stealing from the princess, and as stated before, this is not just some type of gift, this is a super powerful relic, as well as the key to the Triforce and the Master Sword. And no, Ganon didn’t even trick anybody, he just followed Link into the Temple, saw the chance, grabbed the Triforce, and Link was put under a 7 year coma, that’s it.

Second, how in her right mind does she think that the Ocarina is less likely to be stolen in the hands of the Sue? She’s the goddamned princess, so she has an army of her own.

Third, what’s even the point of protecting it when Ganon’s already defeated and there is no one trying to steal it?

And finally, even though Zelda had already gave Link the Ocarina in the actual game, there’s two smaller reasons why the Sue has no right to keep it to begin with. Link had the balls to save the land, showed that he’s strong and responsible, and therefore has shown that he can take care of such items, and the Author had already stated that the games after that never happened, so that means that this does not work.

But of course, Zelda has to give her the Ocarina for her ego stroking pleasure. And don’t you dare pull of that “They’re best friends” bullcrap on me. Because I’d still not be convinced because the Princess should know better than to give it to a merchant to begin with.

"Thank you, we will take good care of it." I said as I hugged her and she smiled.

Yeah, I wish to see how well that holds up.

“Ok Link, we have the Ocarina and its safe with us, nobody is going to…”

*Redead swipes Ocarina*

“Well, now we’re screwed.” The Sue said.

Then the King hugged me, gave Link a pat on the back and a wink. I knew what he meant by that.

Oh shit, the King is a sex offender.

Then we went to the horse that was waiting for us.

Link carried me to the saddle. The horse was Epona. There was a "Just Married" sign tied to the saddle over Epona's behind. Colored strings of yarn hung from the back of the saddle and from the bottom of the sign.

If that is not animal cruelty, then I don’t know what is. Where’s PETA when you need them?

Link lifted me up into the saddle then mounted in front of me. I threw my arms around his waist as he checked to see if I was ready. Then he gently booted Epona in the ribs and we took of at a gallop. I could hear the King and Zelda saying goodbye as we rode but soon their voices drifted into the distance.
And they still remain there to this day still saying goodbye even when the Sue and the Stu left.

Overall, this was a very boring chapter. Is this really what the rest of the story is? Just pure genericness? Because if it is, then I’m really not impressed. Now if you excuse me, I think I’ll go take a nap because of how boring this entire chapter was.


This post has been edited by VGtree054: May 17 2015, 06:23 PM

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Post #12


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post May 28 2015, 06:57 PM
This text=The fanfiction I will be reading today
This text=My commentary on said fanfiction

Don’t expect much from this next chapter, trust me, it will be much more boring than you think.

The Honeymoon

I think I’m gonna be sick.

After a long ride we reached the Great Coast.

Look suethor, I know you find your precious sex scenes more important than the actual story, but if you’re going to make places up, can you at the very least tell us where they are?

The Summer Cabin the King had set up for us was along the ocean.

What? Not 2 chapters ago, you said you were going to live in Lost Woods, and now all of the sudden its in some made up world.

Link pulled back on the reins and Epona came to a full stop. He helped me down, dismounted himself and took Epona to the stable. After he returned he picked me up into his arms and carried me over the threshold and inside.

Damn it girl, can you do anything in this fic without Link being there to kiss your ass?

Once inside my eyes grew as big as saucers.

Hooray for repetitive dialog! This story wouldn’t be complete without it given this author’s lack of originality.

The entire place was furnished.

What, did you think the King expected you to fuck on the floor or something?

Candles were lit everywhere and a table with a meal already prepared on it was set for two.

And yet the cabin somehow didn’t burn to ashes due to unattended flames.

Two candles were lit in the center. And I wondered who could have made the food.

Uh, have you ever took a moment to think that the King might have done it? He was the one that built your little funhouse, you have also already stated that he’d do it with no expense, and clearly treats the spoiled brat you are more like his daughter than the actual princess of Hyrule.

Then I remembered that one of the Sages left the reception early. The Sage of Water, Ruto.

She left because the man she’s been waiting 7 years to marry is marrying a dumb self-absorbed Mary Sue.

I looked around and saw a small letter on the table by the door. I opened it and it was from Ruto.

The letter said:

Dear Jenna,

You’re a shallow air-headed slut, go die in a fire. -Signed Ruto.

"Link was supposed to marry me, but I was blind to his happiness.  As I watched him with you I saw how happy he had become.

If anybody is blind to Link’s happiness, it would be Link himself.

Now I realize what I had done was wrong.

Look on the bright side Ruto, at least you didn’t steal the role of a princess, steal her potential love interest, and have sex with Link in the most horrid ways imaginable.

I could not hold Link to something he would not be happy with. I hope your life together brings you both the happiness and peace you both desire.

Which is tons of endless sex and pointless scenes that contribute nothing to the story.

When you two have your first born please come and see me." Signed -Ruto the Water Sage.

I’m pretty sure that Ruto wouldn’t be all nonchalant with the fact that she waited 7 years to marry Link, only to have it ruined by some air-headed valley girl. And she has all of the rights to be with him to begin with, I mean she saved her own civilization from deadly monsters. And what have you done so far? Nothing really, so far you’ve proven yourself to be the most useless character in the story.

I closed the letter and held it close. A tear trickled down my cheek as I thought of what Ruto had done for us.

All without giving anything in return. Boy aren’t I humble?

Link came up behind me and threw his arms around me and strangled me.

"What is wrong my love?" "Are you feeling ok?"

Link's skin seemed to glow under the candlelight and his eyes filled with love.

Great, as if this story wasn't already too similar to Twilight.

I wiped my face and put the letter down. "I...I'm fine." "I'll be ok." I said as I softly placed my hand against his cheek and looked into his eyes. "I'm glad to be here with you."

Congrats, you’ve made the Legend of Zelda boring, something I thought was never possible.

I said softly. "As am I" Link's smile widened and he took my hand and led me to the table.

Oh no, you’re not having sex on the table, anywhere but on the table.

I sat down and Link pushed in my chair before seating himself.

Our protagonist ladies and gentlemen, able to be a store merchant at age 14 and yet has Link to do her every action for her, from walking to pushing her chair in.

As we ate we talked about future plans and having a family. But I could tell his mind was not on the food.

No shit sherlock, you just had a conversation about supposed future plans, which I can guarantee is just sex, boring scenes, and more sex.

I took my foot and slowly, brushed it up against his leg. As I rubbed his leg with my foot he squirmed in his chair. Finally he got up and came around behind me. He lowered his head down by my neck and I could feel his hot him breathe angrily against my cheek .

He then punched the Sue in the face and left her there in the cabin unconscious due to her uncanny acts of seduction.

I felt his lips move to my neck as he started to passionately kiss me there. As he nibbled on my neck I let out soft moans.

I can’t help but think that this author watched too many low budget porno movies to think that people are not that easy to arouse.

After a few minuets

Link took me by the hand, lifted me out of the chair and led me to a room where a tub was filled with hot water.

I suppose it was Ruto that filled the tub, but how the hell is it still hot after all of this time you’ve wasted?

He pressed his lips on mine and we kissed deeply, as he begun to remove my dress exposing my naked body.

Can we wait a few more minuets? Those actually do bring pleasure to the senses.

As his hands started to caress my body, caress my breasts, I could feel myself getting hotter.

She later got so hot that she caught on fire.

I wanted him. Wanted to feel him. I wanted to touch him in ways that he had never been touched.

You two clowns had already had sex in Chapter 1, what else could you possibly need?

Then I felt his heart beating faster, felt his hands moving up and down my slender body.  As he nibbled on my nipples, I little by little slowly started to remove his clothes, exposing his heavenly naked body.

Unless you’re made of silly putty, this feat would be impossible to accomplish.

I slowly reached up and placed my hands on his bear chest.

Since he somehow became a grizzly bear, he bit my head right off.

As I ran my finger tips down his chest, soft moans passed his lips.

Is it me, or does this make Link look pretty gay?

His body was so muscular, so firm, his skin silky to the touch. I ran my hands slowly down his body. First to his waist then to his thighs, around his butt, then to the swollen organ between his legs.

You can’t just add euphemisms and just expect a sex scene to be erotic. In fact, its fucking disgusting.

When I grazed my hand over the head, Link let out small cries of pleasure. Then I looked in to his eyes.

"Tonight my love, I'm going to show you how much I love you."

I know this is a sex scene, but come on, even in the shittiest porno movies they don’t use dialog like this.

I went down and slowly took the head of his member into my mouth, teasing it with my tongue.

“Ha ha, you’re so small” exclaimed the sue’s tongue.

As I teased the head soft moans passed Link's lips.

“Ha ha, the body you’re connected to sounds gay.” said the sue’s filthy tongue

Then slowly I moved to his shaft, caressing it with my tongue as I licked up and down it. As I caressed his member with my lips and tongue, Link's soft moans soon turned into cries of pleasure. I felt his body quivering under my gentle hands, as his cries of ecstasy filled the room. 

Yay, more repetitive dialog.

Then Link let out a loud animal like cry as I took his member fully into my mouth.

You know, when you use “animal like cries”, I always imagine this happening.

Very sexy, Huh?

Slowly I moved up and down the shaft, dragging my tongue as I went. Little by little I upped the movement, causing Link to cry out in ecstasy as I caused waves of pure pleasure to go surging threw his body.

*Link hits wall* “Oops!” Link’s pleasure said in an embarrassed tone.

Then I found a rhythm

Must be playing to the rhythm of the minuets

and his breathing became faster as I started to take him over the edge.

What a fucking coincidence, because now this scene is going over the deep end.

His heart started racing,

His heart started racing now? Now? It should have started the minute, or excuse me, "minuet" you guys started to have sex.

his cries filled the room. And finally when I took his nut sack
(And the few perverts that jack of to this realize their boners have died when you used the word nut sack) and caressed it with my hand, it was his undoing.

Link is now a woman as he always had dreamed.

Link let out a loud animal like cry as he reached his peak,

“Stop trying to pull my balls off”

releasing his essence into my mouth.

Now I don't even think you're having sex with him. This sounds like you were trying to suck out his soul or something.

I swallowed, licking up all of the sweet juices off his member.

Let me reiterate, the author had already stated in both the author’s note and the prologue that all of the stuff that’s happening right now all came from her supposed Lucid Dreams, AKA her second life. And she honestly wonders why people make fun of her.

As I licked my lips, he brought his face close to mine. Our lips met kissing each other passionately, the taste of him still on my lips.

Are you sure this is supposed to be erotic? Because I didn’t find that sexy in the slightest. Not that I expected this to be sexy in anyway, but still…

As he deepened the kiss, I let out soft moans into his mouth.

Nothing’s more sexier than choking on soft moans. Eh?

Then we broke off the kiss and I looked into his eyes. "I'm ready for you now my love." I said as I started to kiss his neck. Slowly I felt the heat between us grow stronger.

All thanks to your hot stinky breath

I felt myself wanting him, felt my body calling out to feel him inside me.

The process here is simple, just grab any sharp object, cut him open, and now you got the opportunity to feel him around.

His eyes shone desire in them, the passion burned in them.

And then he went blind.

He led me by the hand then, pulled me into the tub as the desire between us raged.

I never knew they sold hot tubs in the Middle ages made specifically for fucking.

I wanted him even more now; wanted to feel him inside me. 

This better not turn into a vorefic.

He moved closer to me and I felt his throbbing member at my entrance.

Which one? You know the entrance can refer to more than just the vagina right?

Then I begun to cry out in ecstasy as he slowly penetrated my enchanted body.

Your ego is clearly not the only thing you are stroking at the moment.

Slowly at first, then I cried out in pure bliss as Link upped his movements. As we made hot love I felt his heart beating in unison with mine, felt the heat of his body against my body. Link felt soo good inside me.

He would.

So warm. So tender.

Then he pushed me up against the side of the tub as he put his hands underneath my body lifting me up, allowing him to penetrate deeper.


I wrapped my legs around his waist and groaned as I grabbed his back and dug my nails in feeling the sweat beginning to form. 

Hello, you’re in a hot tub, which is filled with water.

As I dragged my hands down his back, I He cried in pain ecstasy as I was clawing off his skin. He begun to thrust deeper inside my now hot sweaty form.

That’s pretty long and tedious, changing body forms just to expel bodily fluids.

Our bodies quivered as our movements begun to flow in unison. And I felt his heart beginning to beat faster as I forced my body up against his. Loud animal-like sounds passed his lips as his thrusts came in faster beats.

Are you a furry? Because you do also seem to have a thing for animal sounds, you do write that again and again after all.

Then I bucked against Link as I as cried for him to take me.

Ok that sentence was written horribly.

"Ungh....Link..Oh...My Goddesses.....LINK!" I cried as I ran my hands down his back; down over his buttock, dragging my nails as they went.

Stop tearing Link apart, you’re supposed to fuck him not fuck him up.

I felt him starting to breath faster as he started to climax. And as the sheer ecstasy raced through our bodies I didn't want it to end.

Which is why you have sex with him again in the chapter. No, I’m not joking, the Sue actually has sex with the Stu twice in a single chapter. And I thought that having sex at the beginning of the story was messed up, but this is ridiculous.

I wanted every part of him. I wanted to drink in his body.

How bout we drink you instead.

First cut the Sue into a thousand pieces, throw the pieces into a blender, and voila, you have a personality deprived character smoothie, taste the dullness for yourself.

He felt soo good....so hot......he was mine, mine forever. I had him......had his body........his heavenly body........Mmmm.......

Masturbation counter: 3

Just thought I might add this for every time it becomes clear that the author’s fondling with her poon, because its become obvious way too many times.

Sexual thoughts raced through my mind as we both came to a full climax....."LINK!"

Why, sexual thoughts racing around one’s head towards the end of climaxing? Who ever thought of that?

I cried out in pure ecstasy as I gushed down his muscular legs.

Woah, don’t dehydrate yourself girl!

"JENNA!" Link screamed as he reached his peak and released his very essence in side me.

“Yes, my plan’s complete, I killed the Hero of Time by sucking out his soul. Mwahahahahahaha!”

I let out a loud moan as I felt the warm liquid slide down inside my beautiful body.

I’m totally confused about who you’re wanking to now.

It felt sooo good........I now had a part of him inside me. A part of his very essence.

The story must be so forgettable, that even the author forgot about the last time they had sex.

Oh, and by the way…

Masturbation Counter: 4

We both collapsed from exhaustion after Link delivered his second and final release. Breathing heavy, I looked deeply into his sexy blue eyes.....eyes with passion disgust in them.

Then I leaned over and pressed my lips on his tasting the sweetness of them.......so firm, so sweet......

Ew, I know you have a thing for Link’s eyes, but damn, I didn’t know you’d go to this extent.

Feeling a slight longing I moved my lips to his ear and whispered words of passion to him.

"Oh... my Goddesses.... Link." "I love...you so ....much." I said in between gasps of breath before I slowly starting to caress his long sexy pointed ear with my lips and tongue.

I hope to god that you don't fuck Mr. Spock in another story, because if you do, your ass is toast.

“And....I love....you too....my sweet...love." Link said as he embraced me. As I nibbled on the lobe of his ear I could hear his soft moaning..........

And we’re the ones that are supposed to scare you?

felt his hands moving down my body......I felt the heat of his body......felt his skin against mine.......so hot.......so heavenly


........his body.......finally for once I felt complete

That’s what you think, Jenna!

.......felt like a women......I felt sexy, wanted.

We laid there still connected

Jenna and Link have the skin of a anglerfishes, concluded!

and covered in sweat.

Or rather the bath water mixed with jizz.

I laid my head against his chest and listened to the beating of his heart. We were both exhausted and breathing heavy. Then as my breathing started slow I felt my eyes beginning to drift. And as I felt my last ounce of strength leave my body, I fell asleep.

And the sue drowned in the tub from breathing in the water and cum mixture.

The next morning I awoke in bed lying on Link's chest while he stroked my hair.

Don’t be too excited that the previous scene is over, because this next scene is just the sex scene’s break time. God help us all!

We talked awhile before rising and getting dressed.

And since this isn’t a sex scene, the author goes into absolutely no detail about it. Wow these are such developed characters aren’t they?

After he got dressed he went down stairs to cook breakfast as I went to freshen up.

Wait, Link’s the one that has to cook? He lives in a tree with a cow, what does he know about cooking?

I washed my face and hands then I went to the wardrobe closet to select a dress.

I suggest you try on the new straightjacket I bought for you, it would look very nice on you.

I picked out a low cut long silk blue dress with a gold Hylian symbol on the lower part of the dress.

Do people really wear such clothes to breakfast?

I put on my wedding ring, the bracelet Zelda gave me,

Which you had no business obtaining to begin with, but oh well, have it your way, this is your fapfic after all.

and fixed my hair then I went down stairs. Link greeted me at the bottom and his eyes widened as he looked me over.

What happened to “His eyes grew as big as saucers”? Non-Repetitive dialog is just not a natural thing in a story like this.

He took me into his arms and kissed me. "You look beautiful, my love." His eyes seemed to flicker with passion as he held me in his arms.

He knew how to make me feel good.

That’s because he’s your sentient sex doll servant.

His words soft and gentle. He was the perfect man.

Sure, his dialog is just as bland as your valley girl talk, but hey, he’s still perfect.

I walked over to the dinning table and glanced over all the food Link had prepared.

"I hope your hungry, my sweet."

She is hungry, but not for the food though, she’s hungry for the “swollen organ between your legs”

He said as I nodded yes. Link pulled out my chair, I sat down and he pushed my chair in before seating himself.

Woah, Deja Vu.

I’m surprised I never said that prior to this.

While we ate we talked about the plans for the day. Since it was a beautiful day and the area nice, I thought going horseback riding would be the thing to do.

Come on, this is a Zelda fan fiction for fuck’s sake, where’s the monsters, the action, where’s any of that shit?

But then I remembered one thing, there was only one horse, Epona.

Uh oh, we don’t have enough pointless dilemmas going on in this story, let’s forget the rejected MLP pony ever existed.

A look of disappointment crossed my face, I had really wanted to go horseback riding.

Why don’t the both of you go on the horse?

There, problem solved!!!!

Then Link had an idea. "Epona is strong enough to hold us both. "She carried us both here." "You can just sit behind me and put your arms around my waist." Link said as smile widened and I felt better.

Oh gee, that’s exactly what I said, thank you Link for showing us you’re way smarter than this self-insert. Other than that, this was a pretty pointless dilemma.

After breakfast, Link went to saddle Epona while I did the dishes.

While this story may be a dream for you, it may be a nightmare for feminists.

When I finished Link poked his head in the door and said he was ready. I removed my apron, put on my riding boots and followed Link out the door.

Goodness gracious if she goes barefoot.

Epona was in front saddled and ready to go.

The rusty brown mare was truly beautiful horse.

Yup, you’re a furry, you put that pointless piece of dialog in to show us you’ve come out of the closet.

I walked up to her and patted her on the head. She gently put her mussel near my face to show no fear.

Because everybody LOOOOOOOOVES Jenna!!!!!!!!!!

As I looked at her, she was the most beautiful horse I had ever seen.

Oh no, the horse caught the Mary Sue disease, and its all thanks to you.

Link took my hand and helped me into the saddle. Then he mounted in front of me.

I put my arms around his waist as he checked to see if I wasn’t reaching into his tunic to jerk him off while riding the horse. was ready We then booted Epona in the ribs and she took off at a gallop. We rode down to the ocean along the beach.

The perfect man always kicks horses in the ribs.

Water kicked up behind Epona's legs as we rode along the waters edge which never had existed.

The ocean air smelled sweet and the breeze was cool.

If your definition of sweet is salty, then I’d agree.

I looked over Link's shoulder to see what lay ahead. The beach was vast and wide. Rocky cliffs lined the water further down. Small caves with water flowing into them lined a small island far in the distance.  Then I turned and looked over the vast ocean and saw small islands lining the horizon. This was truly a beautiful place.

Like, oh my god guys, this is beautiful, that is beautiful, everything in this story is beautiful.

So peaceful, so serene, it almost made me not want to leave.

Then we arrived at a small alcove and Link stopped Epona. He dismounted then helped me down.

It still irks me how a woman who had been a merchant since she was 14 can’t get off of her fucking horse by herself.

"This is a real beautiful spot let's just sit here awhile." Link said as his blue eyes shone in the sunlight. After we sat down in the sand, I laid my head on Link's shoulder as he put his arm around me. I watched as distant Seagulls flew over the ocean in search of food.

The Sue’s body odor was so strong, it caught their attention and they pecked her to death.

The cool breeze blew threw my hair as the salt air tingled my senses.

*sigh* Good grief, even the air we breathe makes her horny!

I felt at peace here. Here, there were no wolfos to chase off, no thieves, no duties no nothing.

Its the exact same stuff I’ve had to deal with in Hyrule. This is a much better place to live.

But I knew that soon it would all be over and we would have to return to Hyrule where I do absolutely nothing but get all of the nice things of the world.

"Don't worry about that!"  I thought to myself. "Your here with the man you love, your new husband." "Enjoy it with him." "Don't be a fool!"

Looks like the devil had won this round on the tip of your shoulders.

Then I got up and ran towards the ocean.

And Ruto came out of the sea to drag her down and drowned her for spitting in her face about her relationship with Link.

Walking into the water I turned and giggled at Link. Then I gestured for him to follow.

Looks like the Siren here is living up to her natural instincts

Leery he came to the ocean's edge and then I splashed water on him. He looked at me sideways before he splashed water back at me.

No sooner had that started, we were running around in the water splashing each other and laughing like little kids.

Oh no everything is becoming overly adorable again.

We played all day. Just like we were kids again.

But soon we will be playing in a way we won’t feel like kids ever again.

I was having the best time of my life.

So this has been the best time of your life? It’s not the fact that a royal family had actually adopted you with the King giving you the best treatment possible, not the fact that you married the land’s hero, and it’s definitely not the fact that you got to make whoopee with him twice, it’s the fact that you could now splash around water? Do you find more enjoyment out of just sitting around doing nothing? Wait a minute.

When it started to get dark, we went back up to the beach and sat down in the sand to watch the sun set.

And let me guess, not a single conversation between the two?

I cuddled into Link's arms and laid my head against his throbbing cock chest as the sun's golden rays slowly started to set below the horizon.

I’m surprised you didn’t describe Link’s eyes here, it would have been a perfect opportunity seeing how to have some weird eye fetish.

"My life with Link will be a happy and special one." He is all I need." "Soon we will have a family and my life will be truly complete."

As I thought to myself my eyes slowly drifted. And as the sun's last rays disappeared over the horizon I closed my eyes..........

Of course, why would I expect any development between two cardboard cutouts?

Back at the cottage I was bathing while Link prepared the evening meal.

This is why commas exist, what exactly would you do in your cottage to which you bathed?

After a bit Link came upstairs to check on me.

Um, Link, have you heard of this thing called privacy? Whatever, this will ultimately end in a sex scene either way.

"I came to see if you need any help bathing." He asked.

You are a full grown woman, right? Because you should be able to do an easy task like that on your own.

As I looked into his eyes, I took my hand and slowly ran it from the top of my shoulder and down over my breasts.

"I could use my back washed." I said seductively.

Ew, using your own saliva to clean your breasts is not erotic!

Taking the hint, Link took the washrag and begun to wash my back. After a minute (Fuck, no minuets to save me here) he put the rag down in the water

“Fuck it, let’s just have sex for the ten millionth time”

and begun to passionately kiss my neck.

She tasted like soap and goat fat.

Moaning softly I turned my head to face him and gently pressed my lips on his kissing him deeply, our tongues meeting.

As we kissed I could feel his hands moving down my naked body.

Aw no, not again, this has got to be the third time you fucked Link and we’re only in the 3rd chapter.

Gently he lifted me out of the tub and led me to the bed while we kissed.

You really can’t go five minutes without him humping you can’t you?

Softly he laid me down and climbed on top of me.

Aw no she’s gonna get the sheets all wet.

I could feel his body quivering as he moved from my lips and down on my body.

Again, Link fought tough monsters, but he’s shy around the Sue! Very manly of you, Link!

Then he spread my legs and went down.

I felt his lips on my thigh, as he slowly kissed inward.

Then when he reached the center, he pressed his mouth onto my flower.

Is Link related to Stretch Armstrong?

I felt as he slowly inserted his tongue between the lips causing me to cry out in pure bliss. Then he moved up until his tongue brushed against my clit. Working his teeth and tongue on my clit,

If he’s using his teeth, that’s gotta hurt like hell.

shocks of pure ecstasy were sent cursing threw me causing my legs to shudder from Link biting my clitoris and my overused dialog throwing me out of the cabin.

Never had I felt such feelings, never had I experienced such pleasure.

What? Haven’t you forgotten the sex you had with Link in Chapter 1 and the beginning of this chapter? By now you should stop repeating this phrase.

As he teased my clit, I felt his tongue move down until it was at my entrance. Slowly he inserted his tongue and my back arced as I cried out in pure bliss.

blink.gif That's a pretty strange way to feel pleasure.

Then slowly Link upped his movements, sending momentary shocks threw my lower organs as my legs convulsed.

Getting an electric shock to the cooch would most definitely not get you aroused, but your legs would convulse.

As his tongue moved deeper inside me I grabbed the back of his head as I begun to climax. Then when he hit the right spot I arced my back and screamed in ecstasy as I gushed into his mouth.

Well, there’s an image that will never leave my brain anytime soon.

Painting from the intense experience

That’s strange, climaxing suddenly gives you the urge to paint a picture with your cervical fluids?

I got up and looked into his eyes, and knew what he wanted.

And it took you this long to figure out he wanted to bang you.

Slowly I removed his clothes and opened myself to him.

No, that doesn’t happen, especially since you cummed so hard, it got into his mouth.

I let him take control.

But only when my sexual desires tell me to do so.

Allowed him to fulfill himself. Long Into the night there was nothing but hot passion.

Speaking of things that are hot, the cabin, as well as the two cardboard cutouts burnt to ashes as Link forgot to turn the stove off. *Shows Oh Well Hands*

The last few days were either spent down at the beach or taking peaceful walks together.

I’m surprised you weren’t fucking each other the whole time.

I knew we only had a small amount of time left here but I spent every minuet enjoying it.

*Humming minuet of the forest*

And on the day we were returning to Hyrule I couldn't wait to get back.

Gee whiz, I wonder why. rolleyes.gif

Upon our arrival at the castle the king and Princess Zelda were at the gates to greet us home.

Hopefully, the both of them then executed the Sue as she committed the crime of treason. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!

My content can be found here.

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Post #13

Unfunny Asshole

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post May 29 2015, 08:04 AM
With all of those animal sounds goin on I kept picturing link and the mary sue honking like a goose

Begin salty is an art my friend, thats why you suck so much at it

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Post #14


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post Jun 20 2015, 12:42 PM
This text=The fanfiction I will be reading today
This text=My commentary on said fanfiction

So since the Sue and Stu are going back to Hyrule, I wonder how the Sue’s lice-bidden pussy will be licked here.

- - -
Back in Hyrule

"Welcome home, how was thy honeymoon?" The King questioned.

"We had the time of our lives." Link winked and a grin happed upon his face.

Hold on a second, I need to go on Dictionary.com because I really want to know what it means for something to be “happed”.

*Goes onto dictionary.com and searches “happed”*

verb (used without object), happed, happing.
to happen:

Oh, I see, it’s Jen’s failed attempt at writing in Ye Olden style. Trust me, she does that a lot throughout the story.

"It was very beautiful, thank you soo much." I said hugging the King tightly.


"I really enjoyed the time with Link."

Don’t remind us!

Just then Zelda spoke up. "A fairy from the forest has sent word that the Great Deku Tree wants to speak with you both."

OK, I know you were paying a lot more attention to your fantasies when you played OoT, but still, this makes no sense, because since the story takes place after the events of OoT, the Great Deku Tree should be dead. But no, he’s apparently is still alive and wants to speak to the Sue.

Link and I exchanged glances. "The Great Deku Tree has summoned us?" I said as I looked back at Zelda.

“Do we need to go over this again?”

"Yes the word came in this morning." Link looked at me with a confused look.

You know, with lines like that, I question whether or not this is for real myself.

"We had better not keep The Great Deku Tree waiting."

Because the Great Deku Tree has less important things than waiting for the Sue’s return!

Link inquired.

Wait, What? Inquired? Link didn’t ask a question. Here, to help you understand the basic definition of this word, I’ll give you an example of how to use it:

I inquire if English was your first language, because you really aren’t convincing me!

"Jenna my daughter


I will have one of your horses saddled and brought to you.

I nodded and then the King and Princess Zelda returned to the castle.

After a few minuets

*Hums minuet of the forest*

a stable hand came with my brown mare "Star Dancer." Link helped me up into the saddle then mounted Epona.

I’m sorry, but I still can’t get over the fact that she can’t do anything by herself. And there’s no excuse for this. She did present herself as an independent character at the beginning of the story, but now she’s overly dependent on her organic blowup doll.

Link gently booted Epona and she took off at a gallop. I then followed.

3 words, Worst…sentence…ever.

We headed to Kokiri forest. It was not a long ride, but we had to make haste.

That’s one fast horse, seeing how the Kokiri village is very far away from Hyrule castle.

As we arrived at the entrance to the Kokiri forest, Saria was there to greet us.

“This is the single most important thing I’m doing as the Sage of the Forest.”

"You made it, The Great Deku Tree is waiting." Saria said as we dismounted. "I will have your horses tended to."

It’s not like she has more important things to do. But hey, if she had to risk the lives of others just so that she could wait for the Sue’s presence, then why the hell not?

"Please go on." We each exchanged looks then entered the Kokiri Village. All of the Kokiri watched us as we make our way through.

“All hail Jenna, All hail Jenna, All hail Jenna!” Chanted the brainwashed Kokiri people.

Then when we reached the entrance to the Great Deku Tree's meadow, Mido the Kokiri leader was waiting. "You must hurry, the Great Deku Tree is waiting."

“Because if you don’t, you will face the unexplained consequences.”

Mido said as he ushered us onward. We walked down the path and into the meadow.

         As we stood in front of The Great Deku Tree he awoke from his slumber. "Link and Jenna, thoust has arrived, and for just being in this story, I will give you, the Sue, more awesome stuff that you don’t deserve.” "Come come, sit I have great news for thee."

Oh come on, the Great Deku Tree doesn’t talk that much.

Link and I sat down in the grass and awaited for the Great Deku Tree's news. "Link, "Hero of Time"-thou art courageous, ye saved Hyrule and hast taken a wife."

No wonder why they’re both on the same level, because you’d have to be insane to marry a dumb, smelly, slutty, egotistical, role stealing Mary Sue like Jenna.

"Jenna, thou art spiritual,

The Devil is not a spiritual being, dumbass!

ye lost thy family, then began a vagabond's journey.

Because its not like this virus has infected the canon and taken it over.

"Now thou hast taken a husband."

"Shall ye seek the blessing of child?" I turned to Link and we exchanged smiles as we said "Yes."

Which is something that Jenna keeps obsessing over I might add.

"Since Hyrule is at peace now things are all well, but the Desert Man may some day return.

Seeing how the author had stated in the author’s note that no Zelda games happen after this one, this is bullshit!

"I give each of ye a Guardian Fairy to protect ye."

I still question whether or not you’ve actually played the game, because fairies aren’t there for protection. Have you ever seen Navi protect Link throughout the game? No, all she did was cause deafness for players of OoT all around the world.

Just then two fairies, one with a pink aura and one with a blue aura flew over to us.

Oh gender stereotypes, how I’ve missed you.

"I cannot believe that fairies really exist."

Seeing how you’re in a world where there’s an enchanted relic, has very strange creatures, and where everybody having sexual intercourse is apparently made out of silly putty, it should occur to you by now that anything is possible in this world. And really you have never seen fairies the first time you decided to show your stupid ass to this town and turned all of the Kokiri citizens into drunkards? Not to mention, didn’t Zelda just tell you at the beginning of the chapter that they sent the message to Zelda that the Deku Tree wanted you to come here in the first place?

I thought to myself. I watched as the blue fairy flew over to Link. "Long time no see Link." "How I have missed you."

As do we all, Navi! As do we all!

Link looked at the fairy and smiled big.

"Navi, my old friend, I have missed you too."

Do you miss this to?

My thoughts exactly Link!

"How have you been since last we saw each other?" Link inquired the blue fairy.

"Oh great." "I see you have taken a wife."

"She is truly beautiful, Link."

You know, because she’s a Mary Sue with self esteem issues in real life.

"You two will make beautiful children together."

Will everybody just shut the fuck up about Link and the Sue’s children being beautiful? And for that matter, why is this the first thing everybody thinks about when they hear about Link marrying this stupid bitch? Because it’s just creeping me out! Can anybody talk for more than one sentence about anything else?

The fairy smiled at Link then flew over to me.

The fairies are balls of light, so how do you know that?

The Pink one behind her.

As the fairy hovered in front of me her blue aura seemed so beautiful, so peaceful.

Oh no the fairies caught the Mary Sue disease as well, soon the disease will infect all of Hyrule.

"My name is Navi and this is Lilly." "Hello." the Pink fairy said.

"We will be the Guardian Fairies for Link and you from now on." Navi inquired.

Hmm, I don’t know, I think that should have said:

“Why the hell do you expect us to protect your smelly ass? Navi inquired. “I mean, we’re fairies for crying out loud, when have you ever seen a fairy in any fairytale ever made protect anyone?”

Not only is that grammatically correct, but honestly, it’s true for this entire scene to begin with.

I could not believe I was getting a fairy.

I don’t know if its a bad thing that I agree with the sue, or if its a good thing that see realized that she doesn’t deserve all of the nice things in the world.

They were only told in storybook tales where I came from.

Isn’t it so ironic how the author already realizes how forgettable this story is that she has to restate details we’ve already learned throughout the entire thing?

But as I looked at Navi and Lilly, I was glad they were not just myths. I was glad to have a fairy partner.

Are you really just going to be an overly happy valley girl throughout the rest of the story? Does the pope shit in the woods?

         Navi then flew back over to Link and Lilly came over to me. "Hello Jenna, its nice to meet you." Lilly said as she hovered in front of me.

What a surprise, she gets the pink one.

As I looked at the Pink Fairy, I was glad that she was my Guardian.

So if you don’t look at her, you suddenly hate having her as a guardian?

"Lilly, I think we are going to be good friends." "As do I." Lilly responded.

Crap, the Mary Sue plague is already spreading rapidly!

Then I got up and went over to Link. I threw my arms around him and looked into his eyes.

Great job Jenna, you were able to do something without Link holding your hand. Let’s give a round of applause to this young lady.

His eyes seemed to glow in the sunlight.

Come on, don’t tell me you didn’t expect her to obsess over his eyes again.

I laid my head against his chest and begun to think to myself.

Get ready people, it’s time to hear what goes on inside the Sue’s empty head.

"A Guardian Fairy."

Something that once again, you have no business of gaining.

"I would have never dreamed."

Which doesn’t make sense as the whole premise of this story is that it takes place in a dream.

"It is not a myth, this is real."

My thoughts on this story in a nutshell.

"And I am very lucky."

Saying that you’re lucky would be an understatement!

And there you have it, a tour of the Sue’s inner thoughts, or inner inner thoughts as this takes place in a dream, but whatever. As you can see by the Suethor’s misuse of quotation marks, the Sue is in fact demented.

           Just then The Great Deku Tree spoke again once more. "Thou art courageous (GOD DAMN IT BEING MARRIED DOES NOT MAKE YOU BRAVE OR SPECIAL!!!!) and thou art spiritual will be protected if the Desert Man should ever return."

How the hell is she “spiritual”? She had sex with Link before she married him, which correct me if I’m wrong, is against the rules in Christianity. After all, they did have a Christian style marriage despite the fact that Hyrule is a polytheistic kingdom.

"Then your Guardian Fairies will help protect ye."

Speaking of which, why do they get fairies? They aren’t Kokiri, the only reason Link got a fairy was because he dressed up as a Kokiri. But now he just gets one because… because… well, it’s just because he does. Don’t question it. And as for Jenna, I assume she only gets it because everyone is under her evil spell.

"When thou hast thy first born, return to see me."

Oh no, not the Great Deku Tree to! Don’t tell me the suethor made you pedophilic as well! *head sinks in hands* Why does life have to be so cruel?

With his words spoken The Great Deku Tree returned to his slumber.

Because he was too bored of this story to give a damn!

I held Link's hand as I looked at the two fairies. "This is truly a great gift The Great Deku Tree has given us."

If you weren’t too busy playing OoT with one hand, you’d know that the fairies are actually pretty useless.

Then I looked back at Link and he nodded in agreement.

“He better, or else I’ll fucking kill him!”

Link and I then kissed before we started for home.

Aren’t you always?

When we returned to Kokiri Village, all of the Kokiri especially Saria wanted to know what The Great Deku Tree told us. Saria's eyes widened when we told her we had our own fairies.

Bcuz Jena iz sutsh a speshul snoflaik!!!!!1

Even more so when she found out Navi returned to Link.

“Excellent, you brought her over. Now somebody, pass me the bug spray!”

          "That is great news!" Saria said cheerfully. "It is great to see that Navi has returned."

Isn’t it always pleasant to have the ear rapist around?

Link nodded and a smile crossed his face. "How come they get fairies?" "They are not even Kokiri!" A voice called from behind.

And this voice is coming from Mido. I think its a bad thing when my favorite character in the story is a jerk.

Just then the head strong Mido approached us.

Some sense of humor this character has!

"What makes them so special to get their own fairies?" Mido questioned.

You’re not aware of the Mary Sue disease spreading around, are you?

Saria turned and looked at Mido square in the face.

No, please, don’t make a Huey Lewis joke, don’t make a Huey Lewis joke, I must resist the urge to make a Huey Lewis joke.

"Link is the "Hero of Time."

"He is special and so is his wife."

- - -

Ok that’s it, I’m done with this! No that’s it, forget about me rambling about the rest of this pointless story. There’s much better things to do in the world than to continue reading this. I know that “Link’s Queen” is the sue as she made it clear for the past 4 chapters, but this is where I draw the line! She flat out admitted that she only made this story to feel special and important. So yeah, I’m fucking done with this shitty story. So goodbye and have a nice fucking day!!!!! *comes out of room and slams door*

*comes back into room* Ok ok fine, I’ll complain more about this waste of time to get it out of my life. Let us continue.

- - -

"As the Sage of the Forest I herby have you tortured for questioning Jenna!

I remember what Gannon said as we sealed him the Sacred Realm."

Why are you talking to them about this? You’re the Sage of the Fucking Forest, so of course you should know about this. However, that also means that you should not tell anybody else about something as secret as this!

"He cursed that he would one day get revenge on Link or his decedents."

Why would he get revenge on people that had already died?

"Link has already confided in me that he and his new wife plan on having children."

Confided my arse, everyone in Hyrule knows this by now.

"They will need protection if Gannon should ever return." "He would go after Link and his family first."

What about the triforce? You know, the thing that’s all over your supposed property.

Saria's eyes narrowed as she confronted Mido. Saria was always protective of Link and even more so when Mido tried to get smart.

Mido then takes off his shoe, and talks into it.

“This is Smart, Mido Smart 1886, Hello chief, it’s me Mido, and right now I’m arguing with the Sage of the Forest over whether or not the sue you wanted me to find deserves a fairy from the Great Deku Tree.”

“Yes she’s with me.”

“Alright, I’ll bring her over”

I watched as she faced off with Mido.

"How dare you make a good point." Saria yelled at Mido.

         When Mido saw the fire burning in Saria's eyes he knew to back off.


"Well they still don't deserve it, grumble, grumble."

“And I can’t believe i just said that.” Mido said awkwardly.

Then Mido walked off. Saria watched as he went. "I'm sorry for all of that trouble."

Actually, I kind of feel sorry for poor Mido. And that clearly is not a good thing according to the author. You suddenly made Mido suitable for scaring crows off.

"I guess he really never got over what happened eight years ago."

And what exactly happened eight years ago that’s making him say stupid stuff like “grumble, grumble”? Let me guess, you’re never going to explain that! Because its totally not as important as the atrocious sex scenes or the horrendous padding which take up 80% of the whole story.

Saria then walked up to Link. "*Sigh* (Don’t use chat speak in dialog, unless the characters are texting each other) I guess he will never get over it."

Woah, I had no idea he was so obsessed over something that was never explained.

She said as she placed her hand gently on Link's. "I will always remain your friend Link not matter what."

“Get away from my sex slave!” The sue screamed.

“NO, He’s mine!” Saria replied.

The two sues then fought over the Stu like two dogs, or rather, two bitches fighting over a bone.

You know, I discovered how fitting that that last sentence was to this scenario. In fact, it makes way too much sense.

"I will also help protect you and your family should Gannon ever return."

Uh, do you realize that Jenna’s husband is the freaking Hero of Time as stated before throughout the story? And has it ever occurred to you that he’s defeated him several times? So Saria, who is now reduced to nothing more than a sue shield shouldn’t have to be involved.

"I promise." Saria said as she looked over at me.

Here’s a snipet from the author’s pity party, I mean author’s note:


So what you’re telling me is that the people that criticize you have to have good manners, and yet your buttfucked versions of the characters from the canon don’t have to? Geez, as if there weren’t enough double standards in the story.

And I knew I believed her.

“So I did believe her, I knew it!”

She would go to the ends of the Earth for Link. And that made me feel better as well.

What made you afraid before? You already stated that sequels to this game do not occur.

We spent some time there while Link said some temporary "Good byes."

“Good bye!” Link said. “Dumb bitch.” Link said under his voice.

as I sat and talked with Lilly.

And you go into no detail into that at all because its not a description porn or a sex scene, just like in traditional Jenna fashion.

         When it started to get late we decided it was time to settle into our new home. Link wanted me to see it while there was still light. Then Saria went to fetch our horses.

Hey Jenna, why don’t you do something for once instead of proving to the audience how useless and overly dependent you are. My god is this the most sexist fan fiction I’ve ever read!

When she came back we mounted

Woah, not in front of the kids, which make up the whole damn village.

and headed for the Lost Woods.

Why do you want to live in the Lost Woods? You’ll either get lost or get killed the minute you step foot in there. Which I hope to god happens to you.

Link and I waved goodbye just before we disappeared into the tunnel leading to the Lost Woods.

Link then left the Sue behind in the woods, and she became a Stalfos, to which he’d kill in a later adventure.

We made our way through the maze of trees and into a large clearing. There stood the most beautiful house I had ever seen.

Because being the sue she is, everything Jenna gets has to be in the highest quality imaginable!

          My eyes were transfixed on the house as I dismounted. I ran up to the front of the house and looked it over.

Description Porn Alert! Description Porn Alert!

There was a white gate in the front with a fence that ran all the way around the house. A stable for horses was on the right side, a pen for sheep and pigs just off to the side near the front. There was a pasture behind the house to graze cows and horses in.

Um, you may not be aware of this, but there really isn’t enough room in the Lost Woods to provide all of this stuff. Why would there be to begin with anyway? As the name suggests, the Lost Woods are a freaking forest. So either way, there wouldn’t be room for any of this shit at all, unless a large amount of the trees were cut down or something! But that raises even more questions. For one, how was he able to even cut them all down and yet build all of these features given that the building of this house took place between Spring to Summer in the time given? And second, Link would have most likely gotten lost if he were to cut them all down in that time span, as this is the LOST FREAKING WOODS! Where anyone can get lost.

And off to the left of the house was the well.

A well! Really, a well, built in approximately three months. Along with the farmhouse you built, it took you less than a month, to dig a well?

Do you smell that?

It’s the smell of the bullshit emanating from that previous sentence.

The house itself was like a summer home.

I'm really surprised it wasn't a big, gilded, golden mansion. Yeah, I know such a thing wouldn't fit in the Lost Woods either, but even then, its really no different from the summer home they got here.

It was a light tan house with a white roof.

Yeah, it appears that Link isn’t the best when it comes to color schemes.

The windows were Monastery style.

Who Link, having no skills in architecture, was able to build In under three months I might add.

And the front door was brown with the carving of the (God damn, I throw up a little in my mouth when I have to relate this sacred object with the Sue.) Triforce symbol just bellow the greeting hole.

Geez, I always wondered why it smelled so musty in here.

And when I then went inside I was nearly blown away.

*standing next to smoking cannon* Damn it, I missed her!

          The entire house was furnished.

Woah, That’s mind-blowing! A house with monastery windows would definitely not be furnished. That’s very absurd.

The living quarters had a wooden couch with cushions.

Ugh, imagine sitting on it with no cushions.

A reading chair sat beside a fireplace. There was a book table beside the couch with an oil lamp on it.

Which the Sue, being the dumb slut she is, knocked over and lit the entire house, as well as the forest, on fire!

Candles in stands stood all around the room while oil lamps hung from the walls.

As if getting attacked by monsters wasn’t bad enough, you get burnt in your own home!

In the dining quarters stood a huge wooden table with six chairs around it. A small vase of flowers sat in the middle.

Because these details are oh so important to the story itself, way more important than explaining Jenna’s backstory a little more than just saying that her parents died and how the relationship between the two develop.

The kitchen had all of the cooking supplies we would ever need.

Who would have thought, seeing how everything you ever wanted or needed in the whole goddamn world is provided for you.

There was even a spice rack on the wall.

Wow, an item that approximately 99% of all homes have, this house stands out from all the rest.

A small icebox was in the corner

Which does not even exist in Hyrule.

and another small fireplace was in the back for cooking. There was a spiral staircase that went up to the sleeping quarters.

Why call it the sleeping quarters if you’re most likely not going to use it for sleeping in?

I walked up the staircase and went to see the sleeping quarters.

Pronouns exist, USE THEM!!!!

When I reached the top I noticed there were 5 doors. Four were empty and one furnished.

I can assume those 4 empty rooms are supposed to be for the little brats you’re going to have. Judging by that, seriously, you plan on having 4 children? I don’t even think you’re even capable of taking care of a single child.

The one that was furnished was our Bed Chamber.

The room you’ll probably be in the most.

There was an Edwardian bed(3)

Ok, let’s read the footnote the suethor provides us.

(3)An Edwardian Bed is a large oaken renascence style bed with a canopy above the bed with silk curtains that drape over the sides of the bed giving it a private romantic setting.

First of all, how can an Edwardian bed exist if Edward VII doesn’t exist in Hyrule? Secondly, why hasn’t it crossed your hollow head that Hyrule isn’t exactly the same as our world? Because I can assure you the renaissance never happened there.

with beautiful white silk sheets and pillows. A wooden chair sat off to the right and a small table with an oil lamp sat to the left of the chair. Silk curtains lined the window.

I sure am learning a lot from this dialog.

And award robe closet stood in the left side of the room.

So now people are giving you their robes as an award, and have gotten so many that you had to have an entire closet filled with them?

         I was so over overjoyed with the sight that when Link came up behind me I threw my arms around him, told him I loved him and kissed him passionately.

Because that makes up for all the horrible crimes you’ve committed throughout the story right? That’s exactly how the real world works. If you’re an egotist, just hug somebody, tell them you love them, and you automatically care about everybody else.

I knew that this was the place we were going to raise our family.


The place I was going to spend the rest of my life in.

Glad to hear that, let me help you put on the new straightjacket I bought for you, lock the door, throw away the key, and block the door up with wooden boards and several heavy objects, and let Link get back to what he should have done throughout the story, kicking monster behind! Enjoy your stay!!!!

Link had given me a beautiful gift. A gift of love.

- - -

Since we’re at the end of the chapter, I’d like to ask, are you sensing a pattern here? The chapters with no sex scenes are very short. So do you know what that means? It means that the sex scenes are atrocious in more than one way. Not only are they nightmare fuel, they also lengthen this story. Which wouldn’t be so bad if you know, we didn’t have a couple more of those coming up every 5 minutes. Pray for the apocalypse people, we have 14 more chapters of this story left.

My content can be found here.

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Post #15


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post Jul 7 2015, 01:18 AM
QUOTE (VGtree054 @ Jun 20 2015, 01:42 PM) *
I inquire if English was your first language, because you really aren’t convincing me!

Funny thing is I've heard her first language actually isn't English. I'm not sure where exactly I heard it, though.
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Post #16


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post Aug 1 2015, 07:03 PM
This text=The fanfiction I will be reading today
This text=My commentary on said fanfiction

Wow, it’s literally been more than a month since I’ve last read this story. Hopefully, that keeps me from losing my will to live, seeing what’s about to happen later on. So anyway, in this chapter, the Sue becomes pregnant. Which means, you guessed it, MORE OBSESSING OVER LITTLE THINGS!!!!
- - -
A new life

A few months later I was coming home from the castle after watching Link all day in the Practice Yards with his legion. He had spent the day teaching sword techniques to the people in his legion.

You know, Link really doesn’t seem like the type of guy that should train the King’s soldiers, especially because Link never met him in the actual game.

I spent most of the day watching him

Like all demented fangirls do.

until I starting feeling a little sick.

We all are!

I had moved into the garden to sit down and rest when Zelda came to see me.

“Oh, there you are, my slave.”

"You do not look well my friend, are you ok?" Zelda said looking worried. "I feel a little sick in the stomach, and I feel real tired." I said as I held my stomach and tried to get up.

Oh gee, I wonder why!

"Come my friend, I will take you to the healer." Zelda took my hand and had not led me towards the healer's chambers, but instead to her dungeon, much to my disappointment!

          When we got there the executioner, who was carrying a large blood covered ax healer had me lie on a table while she looked me over and told me “This won’t hurt a bit”.

After some time she cut my body into teeny weeny bite-sized pieces. found out why I was not well.

But in all seriousness…

When we got there the healer had me lie on a table while she looked me over.

After some time she found out why I was not well.

“Mmm, it appears you have a shitload of STDs from the unhealthy amounts of sex you’re having with the so called “Hero of Time”.” ‘

She told me I was pregnant.

How does she know that? The only symptoms that the sue had listed were that she had stomach pains and that she was very tired. This could literally mean a lot of different things, not just pregnancy!

Zelda looked at me with shock as I was hit with joy.

“You see that, that’s what happens when you rape the Zelda canon” Jenna’s joy said.

A rush of happiness ran through me.

Only to find out several months later that the child isn’t very beautiful and will not become very strong. So to my disappointment, I just fed it to a dodongo.

I looked at Zelda and then I hugged her.

NO, don’t hug her, you’ll spread your valley girl disease by doing that!

”Oh Goddesses...congratulations." "Oh... Link will be soo happy."

I warned ya.

Zelda smiled at me as we hugged and I felt warm inside. "I must go and tell father."

You know I don’t get it! The King is obviously the father of Zelda, and even though Jenna is Zelda’s friend as stated several times before, he still considers her his daughter to? That makes no sense at all! Not to mention, have you noticed that the King seems to call Zelda the princess, while he goes on calling Jenna his daughter? You could easily say that its just the sue being well, a sue, but really this is pretty much the entire reason why Jenna’s friend excuse doesn’t help her escape getting called out on for stupid bullshit like that!

Then Zelda took off to fetch the King. I turned my attention back to the healer. "How far along am I?" I asked. "About two months." The healer responded.

How does she know that when the technology that would be needed to figure that out most likely doesn’t exist in Hyrule?

Then she handed me a small bag with herbs in it.

Um, I don’t think that’s legal. Not to mention, its not good for the baby.

"Here are some herbs to counter the morning sickness and dizziness."

Because you know, Jenna should never ever feel any type of pain or sickness from pregnancy while everybody else suffers. Cut me a break.

"Make sure you take it easy." "No real heavy activities."

Pfft, like she did anything other than sitting around waiting for the best of the world to stampede towards her.

"Eat and drink a lot

Isn’t the bag of magical herbs you gave her enough? Next thing you’ll tell me is that you’ll tell her to go sniff up an entire bag of fairy dust or something.

and make sure you get enough sleep."

"And one piece of advice on a personal note, if you and your husband make love a lot while your pregnant, you'll help make the baby stronger."


I think that previous sentence had gave me 12 different types of cancer.

"Just no real heavy lovemaking." "Keep it gentle."

Don’t give your hopes up too quickly.

"And come back to see me in two weeks."

"You may now leave." 

“And that includes the canon as a whole, we don’t want you wrecking stuff even more with your pregnancy bullshit.”

She gestured for me to get up and I nodded at the healer as I got off the table and headed back to the palace garden.

As I waited for Princess Zelda and her father, I put my hand on my belly and begun to think to myself. "Oh my Goddesses....I'm going to be mother."

For the love of…why do you need to be so excited over every little thing that happens in this story?

"My first born." "Link's child."

Isn’t it also you’re child as well Little Miss Demented?

A tear started to run down my cheek.

“Oh my god, I’m on the face of an ugly monster!” Jenna’s tear screamed as he tried to run away.

"He gave me this miracle,

The miracle of constant deification, urination, and vomiting!

blessed us with a baby."

So wait, now Link is a god? He’s only a god when he gets the Fiery Deity Mask! But with the mask, I doubt he’d give you the so called “miracle” growing inside you!

"I love him soo much."

Oh, and I almost forgot

Masturbation Counter: 5

Then tears of happiness started to stream down my face. I had a miracle growing inside me.

Good gravy, you already said this a few sentences ago! Did you think the people that would read this would have ADD or something?

Link and I made this new life together.

We would have never guessed that after those atrocious episodes of constant caressing and animal noises you call sex scenes!

We were truly blessed.

Because if Jenna is doing it, it’s automatically the most amazing thing in the world!

“Oh my goddesses, Jenna is walking, this is the most interesting news since man landed on the moon!”

         Then I heard Lilly calling to me.

Wait a minute, where has the fairy been the whole time? Isn’t she your freaking guardian fairy as stated in the previous chapter, and isn’t she supposed to be with you the whole time in order to supposedly protect you?

"Jenna, I just heard the news." "Congratulations, I'm soo happy for you." "Link will be soo happy when you tell him." "How are you going tell him?"

Use these things called words.

Lilly's grin nearly split her face.

Talk about strong emotions, she’s turning into Kuchisake-Onna.

Don’t worry honey, you’re probably more beautiful than the Sue.

I looked at Lilly and her pink aura seemed to glow brighter.

Gyaaaaah, you’re getting way to excited about their baby.

"I thought of lighting some candles, cooking a meal to create a romantic setting, and telling him over dinner."

Something that not too many people have thought about doing!

Lilly flew in a circle. "That is a great idea."

OK?! What was the point of that?

I cannot wait to see the look on his face." Lilly said as she chuckled at the thought of Link's expression after he was told.

Just about every other character would have the same reaction!

         I sat and wondered how Link would take it.

He’d probably take it, *puts on sunglasses* like a boss.

But I knew that he always wanted a child. And I hoped the baby would be a boy. Since that is what Link always wanted.

“And I will name him George, and pet him, and squeeze him and…” oh, sorry, I was just impersonating the Sue.

         "Jenna my dear daughter, I heard about thy pregnancy."

“Screw my duty as a king, I prefer learning about the Sue's pregnancy since she's the single most important person in Hyrule.”

Just then the King walked into the Palace Garden with Princess Zelda right behind him.

You know, because its not like the King needs to rule over a kingdom or something, and just seeing a peasant that he wouldn’t have adopted in the canon is a more important duty.

"The Princess has just told me about thy new miracle." I ran over to him and gave the King a hug.

Don’t you dare touch the King ever again! You don’t deserve to be his daughter.

The king looked into my eyes, his eyes were as gentle as ever. "Congratulations my daughter, have thou told Link yet?"

Why does everybody care so much about that, especially when Link should have been the first person to discuss this with."

I nodded no but that I was going to tell him tonight over dinner.

Bleh, that sentence clearly wasn’t thought out!

"When you and Link have thy first born, I will have everyone in Hyrule attend to celebrate thy new life." "A naming ceremony will also be held." "It will be a blessed event."

Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk, Oh Jenna Jenna Jenna, being your usual narcissistic self I see, just forcing everybody into a ceremony nobody should care about.

Then the king's smile seemed to glow.

Jesus H. Christ, how the hell did Hyrule become so radioactive? First there’s everybody’s eyes growing as big as saucers, then there’s Saria turning into a nuclear time bomb, and now the King’s smile is glowing.

"I'm going to be a grandfather." The King said as smiled at me, his smile always warmed my soul.


There is not enough memory my computer can handle to express the amount of hate I’m feeling right now!

I was glad he was like a father to me.

Because when he is, you get everything you want!

Always gentle and caring.

Well, duh.

Now that I was to have a baby, it brought us even closer. We chitchatted a little longer until the dizziness started to take hold. Then the King saw me to the gate and I headed for home.

That’s a great idea King, her dizziness will increase her chances of running into a Stalfos on the way.

          When I reached home I went straight to bathe.

Really? I was expecting you to go to the toilet first!

After I undressed I looked down at my bare stomach. I put my hand gently on my belly and rubbed up and down.

You know, to make the baby stronger!

There was a life growing inside of me. A miracle that Link gave me. The baby was going to be beautiful.

I’ve got news for you Jenna, I’ve seen newborn babies, and here’s what one looks like:

Then I got into the tub and slid down into the water. I soaked my sore ankles and legs a while, then I took the washrag and cleaned up.

I think you tried a little too hard to make the baby stronger, just saying!

After I washed up I got out and dried off. I went to the wardrobe closet and selected a low cut pink dress with long selves and the Triforce symbol over my right breast.

What better to do while pregnant than wear a dress with embroidery which covers one of your nipples? And speaking of dresses, where the fly-ridden maggot infested shit do you get all of these clothes?

A pink feathery lace ran underneath my breasts. And a crisscross pattern held the back together. I pulled my hair into a bun and went downstairs.

So you can go into so much detail about trivial shit like this, yet you never go into any detail about Jenna’s backstory or what the fuck got Mido so driven up the wall?

         I lit the candles around the room and the two on the table. Then I went to prepare dinner. I made cooked pork in a cream sauce, with potatoes and cabbage.

Please, go into more detail, that wasn’t clear enough!

As I made the final preparations I heard a horse come plodding up to the stable.

I wonder who it could be!

I finished setting the table, put the food out on the table, took my apron off and hurried to the door to greet Link.

As he stepped in the door, his eyes looked me up and down. "You look ravishing my love." "I thought about you all day long."

Much to nobody’s surprise!

Then he reached over, kissed me on the lips, took my hand and led me into the house.

Why do you have a house inside your house?

         Once inside he noticed the candles and the food on the table. "Honey, what is with the candles, and the food setting?" I looked into his dark blue eyes and smiled.


"I just wanted to surprise you with a romantic dinner after you worked hard all day."

Um, what’s going on here?

I said sweetly. His smile widened as he took me into his arms.

No, not another one anything but another sex scene!

"It's just lovely my sweet, thank you my love."

*wipes sweat off forehead* Phew.

He kissed me again, then gestured me for me to sit at the table. He pushed in my chair before seating himself. After we served ourselves, I looked up from my food and at him.

*sigh* THIS IS A FUCKING ZELDA FANFICTION!!!! There are endless amounts of possibilities of how the relationship could be handled throughout the story! But of course, you decided to throw all of the stuff that made Zelda interesting in the first place out the window, and decided to replace it with how awesome your sue is, how much you love Link, romantic dinners, pretty dresses, luxurious houses and gifts, sex, having babies, and about how beautiful and strong you think they’ll become.

          "So honey, how was your day?"

“Oh, it was good, just like every other day I’m here being the lecherous whore I am.”

After he swallowed a bite of food he answered. "The King and I had a discussion about updating defensive moves among the army." "So I spent the entire day teaching new sword techniques and defense strategies among the men." I cocked my head at Link.


"Does the King think that a war is brewing?" I asked.

What’s this? An actual plot? Could it be that we’re actually going to get a real plot to this story? Or, is this not going to be important to the story?

"No, but he wants to be prepared in the even that one does and men have to be sent in."

So he just makes his men practice all of these new fighting techniques for no reason? What a waste!

"Link honey, I did watch you today until I started not to feel well." I said as I put my fork down.

Because that very fork being placed on the table is so important to how Jenna “started not to feel well.”

Link's eyes grew a worried look in them. "How do you feel now sweet heart?"

He asked concerned. "After my attempt at making the baby stronger, I feel much better now." "I went to see the castle's healer." Then there was a long pause before Link broke the silence. "Are you ok my love?" Link questioned. "Link my love, I have something to tell you." I said looking into his eyes.

Come on, let it out, you know you want to.

         Just then Lilly and Navi flew into the room.

Great, the two annoying shits are here to ruin the moment and make this scene considerably worse!

Lilly flew up to my ear. "Jen, did you tell him yet?"

At the very moment she’s about to tell him. What are the odds?

"Tell him what?" Navi chimed in. "Link my love, we are going to have a baby." I finally said. The next thing I heard was a clank of silverware hitting his plate.

His eyes grew as big as saucers as he looked at me.

Is that really all you can say when somebody is shocked about something? We’re in the fifth chapter, you should have at least come up with something new at this point. How am I supposed to mock your shitty story when you’re making it hard for me to come up with original jokes?

"You mean I'm going to be a father?" He said as a look of pure shock came across his face. I nodded yes.

"Oh Jen congratulations, I had no idea you were pregnant." Navi added.

Why Lilly never told her about this amazing feat, as everybody in the whole goddamn world wants to know about it is beyond me!

Link then leapt out of his chair, ran over to me, lifted me up and took me into his arms. He stared deeply into my eyes then kissed me passionately. "I love you Jen." "I cannot believe that I'm going to be a father." Excitement filled Link's eyes. Then he placed a hand on my belly.

Link, what has she done to you? She made you into…this overjoyed gaywad!

"How far along are you?" Link asked with excitement. "The healer said I was two months along." I replied. "I still cannot believe it." "I'm going to be a daddy." Link added.

I couldn’t believe it myself either Link!

         Link and I held each other for a long time. We were happy that we were going to have a baby.

What a big fucking surprise!

Excitement filled us both. I laid my head against Link's chest, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Lilly and Navi smiling in a way of saying,


"Awe isn't that beautiful."

Um, no it isn’t really, its a self-insert with a character equal to his CDI counterpart!

I felt a rush of happiness run through me. I knew now that I was going to be complete.

Two overused sentences with unhealthy amounts of obsession for the price of one? Count me in!

I had Link and now I was going to have his baby.

I really don’t know if it’s my dirty mind, but this whole obsession that the author has on “Link’s Baby” seems a little creepy!

Link was now going to have that child he always wanted. We were truly blessed.

         The next few days were not easy. The morning sickness hit when I got up in the morning and the dizziness would hit by mid afternoon.

What a coincidence, the symptoms finally kick in when you’ve realized you’ve become pregnant. What if you had the flu or something? Does that mean you’d die without even realizing what caused it?

With Link's duties at the castle he was not able to remain at home with me like he wanted to.

Finally, Link is acting independent from the Sue. Granted, this scene was only made solely as an invitation to Jenna’s pity party, but fuck at least he’s doing something that’s not obsessing over her… or fuck doing anything that doesn’t involve her at all.

But he left Navi and Lilly to watch over me. Link did worry about me while he was away, but he knew that Lilly and Navi would take care of me.

Because those two annoying luminescent ball sacks are perfect bodyguards.

         It was the hottest part of the summer.

Way to throw us off the timeline yet again Jenny!

About midday some of the villagers from Kakaraio village would gather into Lake Hylia.

First of all, it’s Kakariko, not Kakaraio! And second, what does this have to do with your pregnancy fetish?

Inside the Lost Woods it was a little cooler, however sometimes the humidity would make going outside unbearable.

Like being inside your house at a time air conditioning wasn’t invented yet is any better.

         From time to time I would got to the castle and visit with Princess Zelda or to watch Link in the practice yards, but during the days that it was too hot, I would remain home.

But in order to get there, you have to take a very long trip through the blistering heat!

And on the days Link stayed home we ourselves would go to Lake Hylia to cool off.

Which also requires you to walk a long distance. How ironic that the place you prefer to cool off is miles away from where you live! Sure, there is a shortcut to get there, but you'd have to dive really deep down, a feat our sue couldn't possibly accomplish!

         After the hot months,

Which is called the Summer by the rest of the world.

in early fall Link and I talked about taking our relationship beyond our vows. We wanted to bond ourselves together further then our marriage had.

Why? Is you stealing all of the Princess’s possessions for half-baked reasons just to marry Link, having excessive amounts of sex with him, and talking about how much you wub Link not enough?

We found out that there was a Monastery just beyond Gerudo Valley

Oh yeah, everybody that actually played the game remembers that! It’s next to the beautiful spring valley with tons of wildlife, you can’t miss it!

where the Monks there preformed Pagan Bonding Ceremonies.

Isn't Hyrule already technically Pagan?

These rituals were preformed to bond married couples further then their marriage vows. Link and I decided that we meant so much to each other that we wanted to do it together.

Jenna, you just want to fuck Link again, don't try to deny it.

- - -

Now if you thought that the previous sex scenes were bad, you ain't seen nothing like what's going to appear in the next chapter in the supposed bonding ceremony the sue is talking about. I hope you brought your brain bleach, and lots of it. Because, it's gonna get ugly, real freaking ugly!

My content can be found here.

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Post #17


Group: Members
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post Dec 22 2015, 01:54 PM
This text=The fanfiction I will be reading today
This text=My commentary on said fanfiction

Warning: The following chapter may cause emotional scarring, excessive vomiting, chronic headaches, explosive diarrhea, and will most likely make you lose your will to live as this fanfic was written on the same planet as yours. Please read at your own risk.

Well, it's been a few months since I've last posted anything on this fourm, anyway, I hope your brought your brain bleach like I recommended in the last chapter, you won’t make it alive without it, because I know I got mine ready. *lifts giant bottle of Brain Bleach* Hrrrgh! *places giant bottle of brain bleach on the table* Let the bonding begin!

- - -

The Bonding(4)

Oh goody, another footnote.

(4) A bonding is the joining of two people that joins married couples together further then their verbal wedlock. It's where two people join together physically, mentally, spiritually and sexually in a bond that cannot be broken. This kind of joining also helps prevent adultery.

In other words, if you thought the “making the baby stronger” bull wasn’t enough, we get even more petty excuses to fuck a fictional character.

         A week later we mounted our horses and headed for the Monastery.


It took quite some time to reach it, since when we arrived at Gerudo Village, the Gerudo's insisted on us stopping to chat.

My oh my, that was awfully nice of them to actually want to stop and chat with you despite being known to be mean and violent. But then again, evwybuddy wuvs jena!!!!!1

We had an afternoon meal there then resumed our way towards the Monastery.

As the poison slowly began to enter our veins.

After another short ride, we arrived at the Monastery. When we reached the gate a group of monks was there to greet us. After we dismounted a monk came

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

and took our horses to the stable.

Because to the sue, living in Hyrule is like living in an extravagant mansion where everyone is a servant.

I had no idea they were expecting us, but Link told me later that he had set it up a few days before.

Which you didn’t and never will explain as you were too busy explaining shit we don’t give a rat’s smelly shit encrusted arse about.

We were taken inside to a chamber where the head of the Monastery was waiting for us. First we were asked a few questions, then he explained the steps of the ceremony to us.

Which, again you never explain! Because those aren’t important details in the slightest.

Then he had two monks bring a bowl with an oily liquid in it.

Now it’s really getting on!

The head monk took his thumb, dipped it in the liquid, and smeared it on our foreheads while he chanted. Then he said that the ceremony was to be preformed outside but that it was to be preformed in the nude.

That’s a good sign!

         He explained that their beliefs were, everything is born from the Earth, and when you die you go back to the Earth. And since the ceremony was to be preformed under the witness of Mother Earth we had to remove our clothes.

That’s not a spiritual belief, this is a dumbass excuse you pulled out of your ass to make this scene as “erotic” as possible. Plus Hyrule doesn’t have a Mother Earth, that would be Laruto.

I shot Link a worried look, but he gave me a reassuring smile and that made me feel better. After we removed our clothes, we were led to a beautiful garden with an oak tree in the middle.

The Suethor was obviously paying attention to her own story.

I felt a wave of calm as we walked further into the garden. We were led to the oak tree and told to kneel down in front of each other. After we knelt down facing each other, the head monk said he would explain each step of the rituals as we went.

First, we spread you in oil, season you with all kinds of magical herbs, throw you into our makeshift oven, and its time to dig in!

First two goblets were brought to us with liquid in them. Next one of the monks brought a Ruby hilted Dagger and handed it to Link.

Link then stabbed the sue in the chest and ran off to Termina.

Then the head monk explained to us that we each had to cut our palms and drop some blood into the goblets in front if us. An uneasy feeling washed over me.

Then simply say you don’t want to do it. You did want to take part in the ritual after all and… she’s gonna do it just because Link’s gonna do it isn’t she?

Cutting my hand was not one thing I wanted to do, but Link shot me a comforting glance and I started to calm about it.

Jenna, do us a favor and burn in hell.

The monk explained why cutting our palms was necessary,

Sure, I would really like to know why cutting the palm of your hand open is necessary. But that has nothing to do with Link fucking you up the ass now does it?

then I watched as Link took the tip of the dagger and slit the palm of his lift hand.

Considering that Link is left handed that was a pretty jackass move. Is he purposely trying be stripped from his duties as the Hero of Time?

          Link then clenched his hand into a fist and the blood slowly dripped into the goblet in front of him. Then Link handed the dagger me.

Damn, now it’s getting to the point where everything has to have the sue’s ugly face on it.

I felt a little scared as I held the dagger in my hand. When I looked back up at Link, he reassured me it was ok. "It's ok honey, it will only hurt for a second."

And while you’re at it, why don’t you tell the sue that jumping off a cliff won’t break her bones into a thousand pieces?

"You'll be ok my love, I'm here with you." I looked into his eyes and a glint of comfort shone in them.

What does that even mean? Does light suddenly have emotions of its own?

I nodded and then took the dagger and placed the tip of it against the palm of my left hand.

Being the stupid shrew she is, she also cut her wrist open and blood splattered everywhere, and she fortunately died, breaking the curse.

         I closed me eyes and I made a wince as the dagger cut my palm. As I looked down at my hand I saw blood seeping out of the wound.

Like I needed that visual.

Then I clenched my hand into a fist and let the blood drip into the goblet in front of me. After I did that one of the monks took the dagger from me. Next we were told to exchange the goblets and drink from them.

How does this prevent adultery again?

Then Link and I exchanged the goblets. Link took a drink from his first then I took a drink from mine. The strange liquid in the goblets, made me feel different.......made me feel connected to Link.

The strange liquid turned out to be alcohol mixed with one of the monk’s semen and narcotics.

The monk then told us to take our hands with the wounds on them and clasp them together. As our hands bonded our blood meshed together,

Link then got a shit load of STDs as a result!

and a connection between us was felt. I started to feel a little closer to him.

Well duh, you are touching him!

Started to feel like he was inside me.

I think it’s a horrible thing when that sentence is much more frightening than when you’re not having sex.

I closed me eyes and I heard Link's voice inside my ears, inside my mind, but only faintly.

“Help, let me out of this story! I don’t want to have children with an over obsessed fangirl’s OC!”

I reached out for him, but nothing was there. I then opened my eyes again.

“I then woke up and realized all of this was just another one of my wet dreams!”

         Next the head monk explained that to strengthen the bond further we had to drink each other's body fluids.

Well slap my ass and call me Sally, you actually dreamt this up and decided it would be a good idea to share it on the internet for millions of people to see?

My eyes widened and jaw dropped, at the thought of that.

You already guzzled down Link’s semen in Chapter 3, get over it.

But we were reassured that it was perfectly harmless. I looked at Link and he nodded in agreement. He placed his hand on mine and a wash of comfort ran over me.

If you need to be reassured again and again just to do this ritual, maybe its best to call it quits, especially because you’re having a baby. Because I’m not a doctor or anything, but I’m pretty sure drinking each others bodily fluids and cutting your palm open are not the best things to do while pregnant.

I nodded that I was ready and we were handed two small cups and told we had to urinate in it.

Are they trying to figure out how drunk they had to be to date each other?

It was hard to do what was requested, but as I did what I had to do a small feeling of uneasiness tingled inside me.

Why are you feeling uneasy about pissing into a cup? I’m pretty sure nobody’s gonna give a shit as this is a part of the ritual!

When I sat back down, Link had already finished and placed his cup down in front of him. I then placed mine down in front of me and waited for what to do next.

The head monk said a few words

What were the words? How are we supposed to know the significance of this bullshit ritual if you don’t explain it?

then we were told to exchange the cups and drink from them.

At least its just their piss this time!

Link went first and I watched as his face twisted slightly as he drank from the cup. Then I took my cup, slowly lifted it to my lips, and crinkled my nose as I drank from it.

“Somebody else’s semen, I’d swallow gallons of. But I can’t even bear the feeling of drinking a fluid which is 95% water.”

A sour taste was left behind after I finished.

Don’t question anything, whatever you’re about to ask is probably best left unanswered.

Next we were told to close our eyes and hold hands.

The monk began to chant in an unknown tongue. As he chanted I felt a presence around me. Something like a spirit, but I was not quite sure. A warm feeling filled inside me, like being next to a fire.

A chestburster then bursted out of the Sue's chest and she died painfully.

And I felt at peace......felt a calm......Then I could feel Link again.......felt his body against mine, even though our hands were the only things touching.

         The feeling made me feel happy inside, made me feel closer to him.......I hoped that the feeling would never end.

Um, that is probably one of, if not, the most inadequate way to respond to drinking Link’s piss.

I opened my eyes and the monk had stopped chanting and he then explained that there were four more separate bonding rituals.

Each one worse than the next!

Each to bond us together in every aspect of our being. They were: Mentally, spiritually, physically and sexually.

*screams internally*

Completing each would bond us together in an unbreakable bond. When we were ready we nodded and were told what the first ritual was.

*pours brain bleach into cup* All righty then, lay it on me.

The Mental Bonding

         After the rules were explained,

So what are the rules? Why should we care about the ritual if we’re not told any crucial information about each bonding?

we took each other's hands and held them.

When the head monk begun to chant we closed our eyes. I began to feel the warm feeling inside me again. This time it was more intense.

“If you know what I mean wink.gif

Then my mind was cleared of all thoughts,

Which, given your intelligence, didn’t take long.

and I was left in total emptiness, like being in a void.

That’s a great idea, let’s throw the sue in a void and set Link free.

There was nothing but quiet, then the silence was broken by a distant voice.

As the voice came closer I could tell that it was Link's. Link was inside my mind, calling out to me. I reached for him, called out to him, tried to find him.

Seeing how Link’s the only thing you ever think about, I’m surprised it was actually that difficult. But then again, the inside of your head is probably as vast and barren as a desert, that it would actually be difficult to find him.

As he called to me again, his voice ringed through my mind. His voice vibrated through my body, inside my bones. His voice made me feel warm, made me feel secure.

Because without him, you’d have no reason to fuck up the canon!

I did not feel alone. He was there with me.

And coincidently, he’s already there outside your inner inner life, but not outside your inner life.

Hearing his voice inside my mind made me feel closer to him. I felt as if our minds were connected. I felt as if were one.

So was Jenna fantasizing about her and Link as anglerfishes? Ok then! *drinks brain bleach*

As I searched for him, his voice seemed like a flame. I felt it's warmth, then saw it's light. I reached for it, called to it, watched as the flame danced, Link's voice ran inside it.

“Man, I should really lay off those magical herbs the healer gave me.”

I moved inside the emptiness, tried to reach for the flame, tried to reach for Link, but no matter how hard I tried I could not reach him.

Which could be easily solved if you stepped a few feet closer to him.

Then the flame flicked out and Link's voice became distant again until all there was but silence. The void closed around me and I came back.

I opened my eyes and looked at Link. He was just as wide eyed as me.

He’s realized how stupid his mistake was to marry the dumb cunt.

Then I smiled at him, before returning attention to the monk. He looked at us and told us the mental bonding was complete.

*yawns* Next!

EMBED PBrush   

Yes, this is actually a part of the original story, and boy does it age the story. Why? Because that’s a Windows error, for an embedded image for Paintbrush, a way earlier version of Microsoft Paint!

The Physical Bonding

From the looks of this, I don’t think I’ll like where this is going

         The head monk told us the rules for the Physical Bonding. First we had to put our wrists together and hold them up together in front of us. Then two monks came with rope and tied our wrists together.

This isn’t what I had in mind! But it shouldn't be as kinky, right?

A bowl with a white smoke rising from it was put down in front of us. We were told to inch closer to the bowl and to close our eyes again.

What’s the significance of this?

The void opened up inside me again, and the warm feeling ran through my bones. I felt Link again, inside my mind and inside my body. I heard his voice calling, felt his body against mine.

Felt his heart beating. So warm....so calming....I reached for him, tried to touch him,

In other words, the same exact shit we saw in the Mental Bonding.

then the void was shattered when I heard Link scream.

Link realized what story he was in, and it took him 6 chapters to figure this out.

I twisted in pain as he screamed inside my mind. My mind felt like it was on fire,

What mind?

my body felt like hot needles were being poked in.

You know, I’m actually kind of enjoying this one.

As Link twisted in pain I felt everything he was feeling.

How does that work? Did you literally fuse together like you stated before? If so, by now you’d be much more of an abomination then you already are.

He screamed for me to help, but I was helpless.

       My body felt his heart beating faster, felt him twist in pain. I screamed as his voice ringed loudly through my mind. My head felt like it was being crushed as the intense pain raged threw me.

Also, how are the characters in pain by just sitting there? Once again, the suethor doesn't bother to explain why anything is happening, and just expects us to see everything from her point of view.

I wanted it all to end, wanted the pain to go away. Since of the connection that was bonding us together all pain that one feels, the other feels the same at the same time.

Explaining what’s going on doesn’t explain how it works.

As the pain intensified, my heart began to beat faster, my pulse raced, and my body twisted and screamed as the shattering screams and pure pain raged threw my every vein.


Then I opened my eyes and stared at Link with unblinking eyes as I watched him twisting in pain as he felt everything I was feeling.

My wrists twisted as Link and I moved around. I screamed louder, wanted it all to cease,

Yes, Yes, YES!!!!!

prayed it would end, then all of the sudden the void broke and the pain ceased.


Then I felt the warm run through me again. Link's heart slowed its beat and his voice ran softly through my mind. Link touched my soul,

Aw, isn’t this just so pwecious?

and I felt a calming feeling come over me again. As the flame rose in my mind again, a rose bloomed in my soul.

What’s this? What does this contribute to? Why is a bunch of weird shit going on in these little fantasies? And most importantly, how the hell does this prevent adultery?

I got to take another sip of that brain bleach. *sips brain bleach*

Link's voice called from the flame and his touch came from the rose.

Jen, stop trying to be symbolic, you can’t even do that without making it look like an acid trip.

I tried to reach for the flame, tried to touch the rose, but the closer I got the further away they became.

Just like Poptarts?


       Then the feeling changed. A pleasurable feeling started to surrounded me, and it rushed through my body like a raging river. I felt hot inside.... It felt erotic.....felt good.

Masturbation Counter: 7

Then I could feel Link's touch. It felt like he was inside me.

I think my facepalming hand is on top of my other facepalming hand.

It felt like our bodies merged. Then the feeling grew stronger, grew more intense, and it became like a sexual feeling. It felt like having sex......I felt a stronger connection with Link.....felt as if we were connected.....felt as if we were one. Felt as if we merged........Then the void shattered around me and I awoke.

Then what’s the point of the Sexual Bonding later on? This might as well have been the Sexual Bonding!

       I blinked in the sunlight and looked at Link. He was whipping the sweat from his brow.

“Come on, *whip crack* get flowing!”

We were coming around from our strange experience, but we regained our senses quickly.

Nothing about you says sensible.

My wrists hurt from all of the twisting.

“Yeah, that’s what I meant!”

I moved them around against his to get them comfortable. Then I turned to the head monk. He lowered his hands and clapped.

These Monks must be American!

The two monks came and removed the rope from around our wrists and took the bowl away.

Oh yeah, I forgot that even existed seeing how it had no purpose at all other than to remind us that some ritual was going on.

I rubbed my wrists to sooth the pain. He then placed a hand on my head and one on Link's. After about a minuet, we were told the physical bonding was complete.


The Spiritual Bonding

         The next ritual was the spiritual bonding.

Really, I thought the two of you were going to get clobbered over the head with giant sticks.

After the details were told to us, the head monk called his two servants and they came with two colored pendants and bowls with colored liquid in them.

Have you ever heard of the "phrase show don’t tell"? It can be a very powerful thing for fanfics like this.

The two servants took the liquid and begun to drawl beautiful intricate patterns on our backs, arms and chests. Then they put the pendant with the red stone around my neck, the blue one around Link's.

Doh, I thought she’d get the rainbow colored stone!

The two servants moved away, and we were told to embrace each other. I moved over to Link and into his arms. I put my arms around his neck and closed my eyes. I heard the head monk start to chant again. And my mind clearing of all thoughts, as the void opened around me again. I heard Link's voice call out to me again in my mind. The erotic feeling filled my body, and I felt the warmth of Link's body against mine.

Son of a gun, once again this is just the Mental bonding all over again! You’ve got to have copied and pasted the same thing again and again and just added minor tweaks to it, seeing how you can’t come up with anything other than “Oh, Jenna and Link have to do some stupid task, they are in a void, a bunch of weird ass shit happens, this somehow becomes erotic, the void breaks, and they do the same fucking thing two more times”. I mean, what’s even the point of the first three bondings if you obviously give more of a shit about the Sexual Bonding? This entire chapter might as well be your sue and Link having monkey sex!

I could feel Link inside me again.

Stop saying that, it’s not erotic in anyway, it’s fucking gross!

I felt his heart beating inside my chest, felt it beating along side mine. The feeling ran deeper, deeper into my soul. The stones were connecting our very souls together.

Gah! Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it stop! *sips brain bleach*

I felt as if our bodies merged, felt as if our minds became one. I could hear Link's thoughts in the back of my mind like a distant voice.

Um, we already got the idea!

His thoughts rushed through me, his heart pounded in my chest.

So is this how the ritual is supposed to prevent adultery? By feeling connected to your loved one to uncomfortable levels?

Then I felt myself rise out of my body.

       My sprit rose above me and I looked over and saw Link had done the same.

Then I came out with a proton pack and zapped the both of them.

I went over to him. Merged with his spirit, became one.

Is there a single part of these bloody rituals that doesn't involve merging each other together?

I became him, he became me.

After we merged completely, our spirits separated and returned to our bodies, each carrying a part of each other's spirit. I felt our souls merge.

Masturbation Counter: 8

That’s certainly disrespectful to the Three Goddesses!

Felt the connection between us, we were soul mates, we were always destined to be together.

Don’t you ever say that ever again, otherwise I’ll stab you with a carving fork.

I felt as if I had known him all my life. I learned many new things about him. Learned about his past. Learned about how he felt. I heard him call to me, heard him call me his world, call me his life. I knew now that he was deeply in love with me. I meant more to him then life itself. We were one. Now and forever.

Ok, there’s too many things wrong with this paragraph for me to ignore.

Number 1, the creepiness in the paragraph is tangible.

Number 2, way to get rid of any remaining development these characters would’ve had. Instead of getting to know each other, and probably get more information about Jenna, or even make the story way more interesting than it is now, we instead have to resort to this stupid ass ceremony. This alone proves your an incompetent writer as you don’t even bother using any character development at all and instead go for what seems to be the easy route.

Number 3, you just figured out that Link is in love with you? How fucking stupid do you have to be to figure it out here when it’s been bludgeoning us over the head since the beginning of the story?

And finally, here, saying that your love with Link is forever existent means nothing now, because not only did you show a strong bond with Link from the very beginning of this story, you have stated again and again and again and again and again and again and so forth that you never want to leave him, and that he’s practically the only thing on your mind. So here, we don’t even give a shit about how much you feel connected to Link as you’ve been constantly rubbing it in our faces, and it’s not anything new or surprising.

       Then the void shattered. I felt Link's hands stroking my hair and I opened my eyes.

“And I realized that the final portion of Chapter 3 where I fuck Link for a second time in a day to this part was just me daydreaming!”

I looked deeply into them and saw how he felt in them. They flickered with passion, flickered with love.

Interesting how you can look into your own eyes.

I leaned over and gently kissed him. I told him that I loved him and he was the most important thing in my life.


The head monk stopped chanting and we returned our attention to him. He looked at us and told us that the spiritual bonding was complete.

         He called his servants back and had them bring us some water.

Say what now?

A minute later the two servants came back with two mugs filled with water.

What is this? Is this even a part of the ceremony?

We were handed each a mug and I drank the water in large gulps. After we finished, the servants took the mugs away and left.

I don’t get it! What was the point of that? Was this supposed to be the bonding’s coffee break, but with water? Because if it’s not, I ask again, how does this prevent adultery?


One would have to wonder what Jen had originally planned to put in for these “EMBED PBrush” errors. Given how her persona has been acting throughout the story, it wouldn’t be too much of a surprise if she was intending to insert some crappy picture with some jokerman font over a background covered completely in pink hearts and had the triforce next to the text.

The Sexual Bonding

Ok then, music Maestro!

         Next we were told that the final part of the ceremony was the sexual bonding. We were explained the rules. First off we had to have sex.

Which common sense would already tell us.

And since we completed the other rituals, the sexual bonding process should be easy, yet more intense.

I just love how she didn’t even bother explaining the steps of the other bondings, but she goes into detail about the rules of this one. It’s making me laugh so hard the brain bleach is actually coming out through my nose.

I was nervous about having sex in front of others,

Yet you didn’t have a problem posting it on the internet for way more people to see.

but we were told that the only witness would be Mother Earth herself.’

Which means since she doesn’t exist in Hyrule, practically nobody is watching her. So why should we feel sorry for you again?

I held Link's hand as he stroked my hair and said everything would be ok.

He was there with me. His words always made me feel better, so I calmed down. The head monk explained the requirements in completing the ritual then was gone.

“Who cares about the requirements? I just want to fuck Link!”

       Then I turned and faced Link. I looked deeply into his eyes as he took his hand and brushed the stray hair out of my face. Then I took the tips of my fingers and ran them down his bare chest. A lulling feeling came over me. Link felt it too. Like a call of nature.

“Yay, Golden Shower!”

He leaned over and gently pressed his lips on mine. We begun to kiss passionately, tasting the sweetness on each other's lips. Our tongues began to intertwine as we kissed deeper. Sexual thoughts begun to race through my mind again. And I could feel Link's hands starting to caress my naked body, as his lips moved to my breasts.

I could be doing better things right now, like maybe I could learn to speak Swahili, or get my chemistry homework finished, or fuck, anything that has nothing to do with this story. Because what’s the use if all I’m gonna be doing is sit on my lazy ass reading the same stuff we’ve already seen a million times?

I let out soft moans of passion as new sensations begun to race threw me.

“You mean to tell me pixelated elf dick is not the same thing as silicon?”

I felt Link's heart beginning to beat along side mine. And the feeling of being connected begun to race through me again, as I heard his every thought.

I've heard of connect thoughts, but damn, tone it down a little. You clearly love Link more than I originally thought.

I heard him in my mind,

“Unhand me you hag!”

telling me that he wanted me, that he wanted to make love.

Because that’s basically the only thing you two ever want to do with each other.

       Then I felt him getting aroused, felt how much he wanted it. Strong intense feelings raced threw my body, raced threw my bones. My body shook as sweat begun to form. And then I felt myself getting hotter, felt myself wanting him more and more.

Funny, because you love him enough to be ok with the fact that you can read every though in his mind.

I wanted him, needed him.

(singing) I want you, I need you, I, I love you.

I wanted to feel him inside me.

Maybe we’d give a shit if you haven’t already done that 3 times before.

My body quivered and shook as his hand slowly went down, first to my thighs, then between my legs. Then I cried out in ecstasy as his fingers worked against my clitoris. It felt soo good. Felt soo intense. I arced my back and cried out in loud animal- like cries

To borrow a comment AnItalianGuy made on this mock:

“With all of those animal sounds goin on I kept picturing link and the mary sue honking like a goose”

Thank you very much!

as his fingers reached the entrance and slid deep inside...."Oh....my Goddesses....Link..more baby.....LINK!"

That reminds me, this is almost on the same level as this picture:

Attached Image

I mean think about it, it’s poorly made, its more disgusting than it is erotic, and its sure to ruin someone’s reputation.

I screamed in pure ecstasy as his gentle steady thrusts made my legs quake.

       Then I felt myself starting to climax as his fingers thrust deeper upping the movements. My body shuddered from the immense feelings that raged threw it. I grabbed onto the ground my nails digging into the dirt as Link's fingers made my body scream in eternal bliss. I cried out as the surges came in raging pulses, and my body withered under his touch. I begun to twist violently as the surges of pure ecstasy came in closer beats.

If you're wondering why I haven't said anything until now, it's because look at this fucking shit, does this at all look familiar to you, oh yeah that's right, it's because it's the same stuff, I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself but by lord, what else is there to say about these sex scenes? They just go on and on spewing the same shit over and over again and it never ends.

Then when Link hit the right spot I let out a loud cat like cry

How does she keep making those animal noises? What, does she suddenly get a strep throat every time she has sex with Link?

...."LINK!"  I screamed as I reached my peak and gushed down his hand

...........panting I got up and looked at him, his lips parted to say something but I placed a finger on them. I shook my finger then moved it away as he gently laid me down.

So, what was the point of that?

       Then he climbed on top of me and I felt his member at my entrance . Slowly he penetrated my body and cries of eternal bliss escaped passed my lips.

Finally, Link killed that cocksucking shit of an sue! Now Link can get back to doing what he should have been doing the whole time.

As he moved inside me, my hips bucked up against his as we begun to find a rhythm.

“I knew I should have used the Ocarina as a dildo.”

Slowly at first, then Link began to thrust deeper upping the movements. As we made hot love, I felt as if our bodies merged. Felt our hearts beating in unison. Our minds became one, and our souls connected. I heard his every thought, thoughts of love and passion. And I knew how I was making him feel. As he penetrated deeper inside me, it felt like nothing I had ever felt before. Then I started to call out his name in between cries of passion, and his breathing became faster. I felt his hot breath on my neck as he worked his lips there. With each thrust, strong pulses of pure ecstasy raced threw me. I bucked up against him, forcing him deeper inside me.

That's basically the entire story in a nutshell, if you've never read the story, just read that passage and you'll get the main idea of what a majority of the story is like.

       Our hips swiveled in unison as our bodies moved against each other. My body started convulsing as I felt myself starting to climax. Then his thrusts came in faster beats as he started to climax. Our cries filled the air as we both came to our peaks.

Great, now this is reminding me of Twin Peaks!

Then he delivered the final thrust as he started to release a warmth inside me.

It’s official, he’s peeing inside her! Tell me why you didn’t seek a doctor after dreaming that up.

He let out a loud animal like cry

Why do you keep typing that? Who in God’s name would find that sexy besides the majority of the furry community?

as he delivered the hot liquid deep down inside my inner sanctum.

Link was pouring molten lead into the sue’s vagina to make sure she doesn’t rape another canon ever again. And also, inner sanctum? I had no idea you had an entire temple in there, if it's the one from Amnesia: The Dark Descent, it would all make sense now.

Then a strong feeling surged through my body, a feeling so intense that I screamed out Link's name as I peaked then had huge orgasm.

“Oh Link, me enjoying snu-snu, it so, very hot!”

It felt soo good that I never wanted it to end.

Which is why you decided to come up with excuse after excuse to do it as much as possible.

The feeling was so intense, we wanted to keep going, wanted to keep feeling the intensity of our lovemaking.

I love it how the sue treats this like its a new feeling that neither of them had ever experienced even though she’s…oh forget it she's so stupid she doesn't know how quotation marks work.

       Exhausted, I screamed as I tried to find the strength to go on.

Sometimes I myself wish I had the strength to continue reading this story.

I clawed into Link's back as I bucked against him. Sweat rolled down our bodies as we fought to climax a second time. I ran my now sweaty hands up and down his back digging my nails into his skin as I pushed up against him. Link too fought to reach a second peak. Fighting with what strength he had left, he thrust himself deeper inside my tired sweaty body, pushing to climax a second time.

Geez, give him a break! Men aren’t expected to have sex two times in a row.

He screamed, cursed to find the strength as his thrusts came in faster beats. His hands grabbed down on my sides, as he tried to steady himself. Then I felt the strength leaving my body. Fighting for the strength, I screamed out in loud cat cries as I turned tigress.

The irony is that animal analogies are usually used to debase sex.

I forced my trembling body up against his. Desperately trying to reach a second peak. I clawed deeper into his back as I cried out loudly like a tiger in heat.

Girl, I doubt you’ve been outside of the house enough to know what a tiger in heat sounds like.

My back arced as I pushed in unison with his thrusts.
       Then I felt myself starting to climax again. I cried out to Link, grunting like a female tiger to urge him on. He returned my calls as cat like sounds escaped passed his lips. Then I felt him beginning to climax again. We thrust against each other, our bodies trembling while crying like tigers mating

I’m 100% sure that the suethor was oblivious to the fact that tiger sex isn’t very sexy. Watch the video below for more info.

as we came to a full climax and exploded together one last time.


With one last gasp we fell to the ground painting, our bodies exhausted and dripping with sweat.


I laid against his tired body as I tried to catch my breath. We just laid there awhile shivering, trying to regain our strength. I looked into Link's eyes as I heard him in my mind telling me that he enjoyed the experience.

Finally, she mentioned Link’s eyes without calling them sexy. It’s sad that this is just as likely as when all the planets align and a blue moon appears on the Friday the 13th.

"I love you." I said to him telepathically. Then I leaned over and gently placed little kisses on his cheek while he held me in his sweaty arms. Finally I felt complete with him.


We were now completed as one. 

And now to drink what remains of the brain bleach, i.e. the remaining 3.8 liters of it


The Final Stretch

         A short time later the head monk returned to check on us.

Because he knew it would take that long to fuck one another.

We told him we were done, and he checked to see if we completed the requirements.

For the love of god I hope they completed all the requirements, I prefer not go through all of that again!

Satisfied that we did meet the requirements, he told us the sexual bonding was complete.

Much to the relief of the audience.

We were led back into the Monastery and given robes to put on. He then informed us on the rules for a bonded couple.

Get your pitchforks, torches, tar, and feathers ready, because its time to drive these idiots out of town after we see the rules they decide to accept.

First we were told that a bond between a couple is sacred and special. It runs deeper then the vows they made. Since we were now a bonded couple, we had to understand that we were connected in this sacred way. Its a bond that can never be broken, even after death. We should treasure the bond we share.

Which makes me wonder, what was the point of this ritual? It’s not like either of them would want to be separated from each other, so why would either of them have to worry about the other committing adultery?

And to remember that it was fate that brought us together.

Bullshit! You just met Link and just decided to date him instantly. Otherwise, was this supposed “fate” supposed to be the fate of the bad writing?

         He called back his two servants and had them bring him something. When they returned, I was told to hold out my left hand.

The head monk then cut it off with the meat cleaver he told his servants to bring to him.

The two monks fastened a (5)bondage bracelet around my wrist.

Another footnote, what’s it say?

(5) A Bondage Bracelet is a jeweled bracelet worn by the female to symbolize her joining to her husband. These bracelets are color coded to the male's earrings so to help prevent adultery and symbolize the female as already being mated.

If you haven’t noticed, which I doubt you even had to begin with, Hyrule has a large cultural diversity, which means that not everybody there has the same exact beliefs as these gangbangers disguised as monks. With that in mind, how the anus is anyone outside the monastery supposed to figure out that the earrings symbolize anything?

The bracelet had a colored heart pattern. The chain that led from the bracelet ran up and in the middle was a smaller colored heart charm.

That’s sounds more like something a 13-year old valley girl would buy from Claire’s. Not an actual bracelet you’d get at a bonding ceremony.

The chain split in two at the top of the heart charm and attached at my ring and index fingers.

You’re confusing me madam, what kind of bracelet goes around your wrist and fingers concurrently?

The colors on each part of the bracelet matched. There was one small blue heart, two red hearts, and two more blue hearts. The smaller charm also had the same color pattern.

Next the monks attached (6)bondage earrings on Link's long pointed ears.

The suethor not describing Link’s ears as “sexy”? That’s also something you don’t see everyday, but unfortunately, even her description of his eyes is more common. Anyway, onto the footnote.

(6) Bondage Earrings are worn by the male on his ears to symbolize his joining to his wife and are color coded to show rank, help prevent adultery and show that he is already mated. Both these items are not given until a married couple completes the Pagan Bonding ceremony.

Again, how does this prevent adultery if not everyone is familiar with the culture.

I noticed as they were putting them on that the earrings also had the same color pattern as my bracelet. One blue earring was attached at the top of his left ear. Two red earrings on the lobe of his left ear and two blue earrings on the lobe of his right ear.

This may sound like I’m nitpicking, but why red and blue? Those colors literally appear on almost everything that is mentioned in this stupid ceremony. Now granted, the colors red and blue, with green possibly added in has been used in cartoons and video games for quite a while, but what significance does this have here other than to make this story have that motif? Seeing how you expect us to solve the puzzle without giving us the pieces, how are we supposed to figure out what you think these things represent? I know its so that they could match and all of that other bullshit, but come on, why even use those colors in the first place if they don’t have a clear significance to the ritual?

         After the earrings were attached to Link's ears, we were told that as a rule of a bonded couple we were never to remove the jewelry.

Especially if it causes you’re skin to turn green, that’s just the glow of such a beautiful relationship.

They were to symbolize that we were a bonded couple.

If you’re going to explain everything, directly after you explain it in the footnotes, why even have them?

Though the bracelet and earrings were put on so bare hands could not remove them.

Then why mention that the jewelry shouldn’t be removed if its impossible to do so to begin with?

The head monk also explained that helps prevent adultery. When a couple completes the bonding ceremony, they must a hear to the rules.

First. (7)

Oh come on!

(7) These are the rules for a couple that completes the bonding ceremony and becomes joined must follow. Negligence to these rules can result in serious consequences.

And yet the consequences aren’t explained. Nice to see that you want us to actually care about the traditions of this culture, when you don’t explain the damn culture.

The man is not allowed to be alone with a bonded or non-bonded female unless his mate is present. Second. The woman is not allowed to be alone with a bonded or non bonded male unless her mate is present.

How does that create a stable relationship? Sure, it lowers the chances of adultery, but at the same time, wouldn’t that cause the couple to become pressured and untrusting of one another? And given the double standards and gender stereotypes the suethor had displayed throughout this story, I’m kind of surprised she even considered making the same exact rules apply to women.

Third. When visiting with other bonded couples, both mates on both sides must be present.

That’s the same exact thing as rules 1 and 2.

Only exceptions. A bonded male can visit with another bonded or non bonded male(s) with out his mate present. A bonded female can visit with another bonded or non bonded female(s) without her mate present.

Because bisexuals, homosexuals, and lesbians don’t exist.

A Bonded male or female can go out into public without their mates present.

Oh shit, that means this story has been sucked into a loophole

A bonded male or female can visit with family without their mates present. And a bonded male or female can visit with higher authority (such as the king) without their mates present.

So if Link wanted to fuck Zelda instead of the Sue like he deserved it, it’d be perfectly OK?

         Violation of these rules my result in serious consequences.

Yet again, you don’t explain what the consequences are.

The head monk said violators were looked down on.

And yet, oh I don’t know, cutting the palm of your hand open and drinking each other’s pee is not!

Adultery was a serious offense. And anyone committing adultery could face serious charges.

Because no charge is as serious as being looked down upon by a bunch of piss drinking monks.

And you may not know who is watching you. He said people from the Monastery visit Hyrule and other parts of the world. So you may never know when someone from the Monastery is watching you.

They are taught how to tell bonded couples apart.

They all wear a bracelet and a couple earrings that are nearly impossible to remove, how hard could it be?

         Even thought there were a lot of rules to follow, I was glad to be bonded to Link.

Jesus, this girl could literally be bonded with Link to a log about to go over a roaring waterfall and she wouldn’t even care about what situation she’s in.

He meant everything to me, and having so many rules meant nothing.

This is why you shouldn’t write fanfictions when you have Alzheimer’s.

He was mine and I was his.

And if Link wanted to know if there was a way to be unbonded, I'd feel so much sympathy for him.

         After the head monk finished explaining what we needed to know, we were told we could leave. He had our horses brought to the front and we were escorted to the front gate. We mounted the horses and headed for home.

         When we arrived back home Lilly and Navi were out front to greet us.

Wait a minute. Weren’t they supposed to be with you? Weren’t they your guards or something? Of course not, that would involve actual thinking. And god knows the author doesn’t want to do that.

Lilly came over to me after I dismounted. "How did it go?" Lilly asked. "That bracelet on your wrist sure is beautiful."

Have she not been under the horrible spell of the Sue, she’d think it was the stupidest thing she had her diminutive eyes on. Also, I’d like to mention the flow of those two sentences, it’s hilarious how it transitions from: “Hey, how did this important ceremony go” and then it goes to “Ooh, you’re bracelet looks so bootiful.”

Lilly smiled as she looked at the bracelet.

If these fairies did have faces, I’d imagine them pretty difficult to see considering how small they’d have to be and how luminescent they are, so how could the sue see her smile?

"I loved it Lilly, I feel closer to Link now then I did before."

“Aside from showing the audience how overly dependent I am of Link just to get through the entire thing, it was such as pleasant experience, and I’d recommend it to even the faint of heart.”

"We now are a part of each other." I said as Lilly smiled at me and winked. "The bracelet is a symbol of our bonding." "It is to show that we are connected."

“And with it, Link is now my eternal sex slave”

I said as I smiled at her. Lilly flew around my head then flew over to my hand to look at the bracelet more closely. "What is with the color pattern. " "The same pattern appears on both charms."  She said as she looked the bracelet over. "The colors represent that I am Link's mate and vise versa. "What did Link get?" Lilly asked. "He got earrings with the same color pattern as my bracelet." Then Lilly flew over to Link to see his earrings, and Navi came over to see me.

Blah Blah Blah, boring shit nobody fucking cares about, Blah Blah Blah, JUST GET ON WITH IT.

She looked at my bracelet then smiled at me. She gave me a wink before we all went into the house.

How would you know that? They’re so bright that you can’t even see their fucking bodies.

         Link and I went to go bathe together while Navi and Lilly ushered the horses to the stable.

Pfft! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

After we bathed each other and got dressed, we went down stairs to relax for the evening.

Wow. The suethor was able to write that scene without adding another sex scene or clothing porn. At least the author is aware we need a breath of fresh air once in a while.

We decided that since it was cool out, we were going to sit outside on the porch swing and enjoy the night together.

Which randomly appeared out of nowhere for the convenience of the world’s scariest couple.

Link and I sat down on the swing and I cuddled into his arms. Navi and Lilly floated by our heads. It was so peaceful out. The air fresh and clean. Sweet smells of past spring still lingered in the fall air.

Didn’t you say that this took place in the summer, and all the sudden it changed to fall? Apparently, in Hyrule, a single day is the equivalent of 6 months.

And the sounds of the crickets filled the night air.

Probably because of how dull this story is.

Their soft chirping lulled me to sleep in Link's arms.

You know Jen, maybe this would have actually be pleasant imagery compared to everything else in this chapter if you haven’t decided to put this after they've had sex, and were told to follow all of these retarded rules. In which case, this gives me a completely different mental image. If anything, it makes me feel a little queasy just thinking about how comfortable they are with what they got themselves into.

- - -

And, that's about it. That chapter was way to long, but hey, I unfortunately survived it, even though reading it within that timeframe would turn my mind to mush, and disable me from reading.

My content can be found here.

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Post #18
Darth Nightmaricus


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post Oct 5 2016, 09:46 PM
Anyone mind if I pick up this mock where the TC left off...?
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Post #19


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post Dec 18 2016, 07:47 PM
This text=The fanfiction I will be reading today
This text=My commentary on said fanfiction

God damn when will this story fucking end already?

A Few Loose Ends

         I spent the next few weeks adding to our farm. Link started out by bringing home cuccos and a rooster, then I got two milk cows, a pig and four sheep.

Hold on, is this even a Zelda fic anymore? But then again, when did this have the slightest resemblance to Zelda?

Link surprised me when he came home one day with a beautiful black stallion.


Since we have a special connection with the royal family, the King himself had that horse bred especially for us.

Which again literally makes no sense, seeing how the king doesn’t even know Link, neither do you even deserve to be a part of the royal family.

We decided that since the stallion (whom we named Midnight Star.)

Where the fuck do you get the inspiration for these names? Dollar Store toys?

was such a strong horse, we were going to bread him with Epona.

Allow me to do the favors:

There we go!

We bred them for the first time just before their mating season was to end.

         It was perfect timing, I only had seven more months until I was to give birth. The colt would be born not to long after I was to have my first-born.

Had the suethor done her research, in which she obviously didn’t, she’d know horses give birth after 11 months, not 7.

I knew each colt that was born would be strong and healthy. Perfect for each child that Link and I were going to have.

Great, she’s gonna raise a pack of sue-colts.

After we got all of the animals that we needed, I started a garden. I was going to grow a lot of the food we were going to eat. Though some of the meats and fruits were provided to us by the King.

Why don’t you just go to a market like everybody else you lazy piece of shit? The king has much better things to do than give a self-insert like you food.

I grew most of the vegetables that were going to be used in meals. Each and every day I would tend to my garden. It was my pride and joy, next to being pregnant. Keeping it up was tough but fun.

Because what could a woman possibly love more than working hard in the hot sun while pregnant?

Well that was a ludicrously short chapter, since I don't have the mental capacity to just stop reading this fucking story, why not go ahead and read the next one? Doesn't that sound like fun?

The Separation

Finally, some drama is going to be added onto this story’s null and void plot.

         One day I was visiting with Princess Zelda at the castle when she got word from her father that a war had started in one of our allied lands.

Holy shit, the war foreshadowed in chapter 5 is about to happen! I wonder how the suethor is going to fuck it up!

The King decided to send in some of his knights and one of the legions he was sending was Link's.

Um, a legion is an army of foot soldiers, not knights.

         My face tur
ned white as a sheet.

I had no idea your face could turn any whiter.

I knew that affairs like these could keep the men away for months.

That is if they make it out alive.

Since he was the captain of his legion he had to go.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, we’re supposed to feel sorry for the sue, even after all of the selfish shit she did in previous chapters.

When Princess Zelda saw how upset I was she tried to comfort me,

Oh of course, the princess of Hyrule has to prance over to our special snowflake to make her feel better. What could Jenna possibly be so uptight about?

but I couldn’t help thinking that Link might miss the birth of our first child.

Oh my god, anything but Link missing the birth of this brat’s precious child!

When I explained my concerns to her, she told me that in the event if I was to give birth before Link was to return home, her father would have him brought home.

So now it’s perfectly Ok to just pull the captain out of the middle of a intense war just so that Mrs. Bitch here can be satisfied?

After she told me that I started to feel a little better, but  it was the separation that was bothering me. I knew that spending such a great amount of time apart would be hard.

What about the garden and farm animals you pointlessly talked about in the previous chapter? Shouldn’t you be concerned about those to? Seriously, get a fucking hobby.

I didn't want to get lonely.

I guarantee that there are a countless number of other wives, who aren’t useless self-inserts, that are sulking over the fact that their loved ones aren’t coming back, but for all the right reasons.

We had been together for five months and married for two and never spent much of that time apart.

Again Jen, stop throwing us off with your fucked up timeline.

"Would this long separation period stress me out?" I thought to myself.

That depends, will you shrivel up like a prune and disintegrate when you don’t have sex every 5 minutes?

When I got home I was mopey. I knew Link would have to leave soon and then I was going to miss him. I wished that he did not have to leave.

You see, here’s what makes Jenna so unfit for Link. Jenna never does anything for herself, and when she doesn’t get things her way, she acts like a self entitled brat who crying about how she’s not getting ice cream. Which also leads to how frustrated I am to see this mega bitch treat Zelda like she’s not important, and how she herself deserves more than her. Zelda at least knows how to handle things on her own, no matter how difficult, and she at least has the ability to take on huge responsibilities, like watching the triforce.

         When he came home, he delivered the bad news.

“I’m only a pigment of your imagination”

He told me that he was going to have to leave in the morning. As I looked into his eyes tears begun to stream down my face. I did not know how I was going to cope with the separation. I went into his arms and cried into his chest.

Again, the gardening you claimed you love doing so much, go back to that. Not only will it shut your mouth, but I’d much rather read that than read about how much your life sucks now that Link’s not there for you to leech off of.

         Link gently rocked me in his arms as I cried. He told me that he would be home as soon as the war was over.

That is if he isn’t caught by the enemy and gets imprisoned.

He also said he would write as often as possible.

Don’t you have that weird ability where you can read each other’s minds anywhere and at anytime? Why don’t you use that instead of sexting each other?

Though the one thing that sacred me was that something would happen to him and he would not return home to me. I expressed my concerns to him. "I do not want our baby to grow up without a father!" I said choking in between tears.

I didn’t know I was reading Gone with the Wind.

"Do you remember the stories of my battle with Gannondorf?" Link asked.

Actually no, I don’t remember, because this story has been going on for so long about dating that I forgot that you could even fight. And how is Jenna suppose to remember? She never even met Ganondorf.

I nodded yes. "I survived that." "I'm standing here as living proof." "And a war cannot be worse then battling the King of Evil himself." "I'm a survivor, I will survive."

You’re right, I’d take the war over spending eternity with Mary Sue #7,132,192,918 here.

With those words I looked deeply into his eyes and saw the determination in them. "Jenna my love, I will return to you." "Love will guide me back." He said as his eyes flickered with love and I knew then he meant want he said.

Yeah, don’t ya think? You have him by the balls at this point.

         He took his hand and brushed away my tears. Then he bent his head down and kissed me. A mix of emotions raced through my mind. Some sad, some happy and some with fear.

Thus illustrating how one-dimensional Jenna really is.

I felt like the world was crashing down on me.

Perhaps it's from all that gravitational orbit.

Like all of the bad things were happening at once.

Getting out of this story is the preferred method around these parts.

Though as I looked into his eyes I could tell that within my own heart, love will bring him back to me.

Just then Navi came flying into the room and saw that I was crying. She flew over to me concerned. "Jen, Link, where's Lilly and are you ok?" I looked at the blue fairy and tears begun to stream down my face again. "A war has started in one of our allied lands, and the King has decided to send in knights. Link's legion is one of them." I begun to choke on my tears as I held Link tightly. "Oh honey, I'm sorry, that is bad news, but you remember Gannondorf right?" I nodded yes. "Well he put Link through a lot worse then this, and he's still here." "He loves you and he will come back to us." "He is going to be a father and that will not keep him away for long."

Was this part of the story at all necessary? It’s just Navi restating everything that you and Link had stated.

Navi flew in front of me and her blue aura grew brighter. Her aura was always calming.

Does Jenna have ADD or something? Because how else can she forget about the fact that Link was going to war by just looking at Navi’s glow.

“Oh my god, my sex slave is going to war, how am I supposed to live when I don’t ha…, oooh, bright light”

         I looked into Link's eyes. His eyes were as beautiful and as sexy as ever. Still like deep blue pools of water.

Link was lucky to be stupid enough to enjoy time with her, otherwise his eyes would have already melted off.

I just laid against his chest and enjoyed what time we had left. I did not know how long it was going to be before I was going to see him again.

Probably less than one chapter, since you can barely keep your attention on anything but how strong your bond with Link is.

I thought to myself. "He loves me." "Love will guide him back home to me.""And that is all I need to remember."

Blah Blah Blah, I love Link and he means everything to me.

For curiosity sake, let’s see Jenna suffer!

The Reunion

Or let's not!

         Some time had past since Link has left with the King's knights.

As if the timeline wasn’t a big enough conundrum, Jen stopped giving a shit.

He kept in touch via letters by carrier pigeon. In one of his last letters he said that there was talk of a peace treaty. And if that happened the war would end and he would be coming home.

That’s it? The war ended that quickly? I knew you’d fuck this up somehow, but not to the extent where you literally treat this huge war like it isn’t important to the plot and never discuss the horrible shit that happened to Link’s so called legion. Just because Jenna is the debatable protagonist of the story, doesn’t mean you should just focus on her point of view.

To pass the time I either spent my time at the castle with Zelda or in Kokiri Village with Saria.

It amazes me how she’s able to travel from Castle Hyrule to the Kokiri Village while she was pregnant.

And when it was too much to bear I spent those days in my garden or tending the farm.

While in the late stages of pregnancy? Good potatoes, you’re a horrible farmer.

Most of the time passed easily, but there were days when I really missed him. And I was always awaiting for his next letter.

“How can I live without my daily sextings?”

         Then one day about four or five months later a message came in from Link that the peace treaty passed, the war was over and he would be coming home soon.

Which means the preceding chapter was a complete waste of my time, thanks!

I started to cry tears of happiness. Link was finally coming home. I had missed him sooo much. My husband was returning to me like he said.

And it was all thanks to the mystical powers of plot convenience.

And there was nothing more important then that. Lilly and Navi had come to make their routine check on me.

“Lilly, why haven’t we locked this bimbo up yet?” a baffled Navi asked.

When they came I told them the good news. They were happy to hear that Link was coming home. I was glad that Lilly and Navi were here. I wouldn't have known what to do without them.

Come to think of it, why didn’t Link bring Navi with him to the war? I mean after all, she is his “guardian fairy.”

They always made things brighter, and even helped the time go by faster. Even on the days when I got emotional from missing Link, they helped the sadness go away.

         Though it was hard sleeping alone. Waking up and finding Link's side of the bed empty.
At least I had Lilly and Navi to help me through it.

You three spend too much time together. *cringes*

         I was told that it was going to be about a week before the knights were to return to Hyrule. I could hardly wait. It was summer I was now nine months pregnant and to give birth soon. I did not want Link to miss the birth of our first baby.

Listen you parasite, just who the fuck do you think you are to dare claim that you deserve more attention than anyone else in this chapter? What do you think all of the other wives think about their husbands leaving them and possibly never returning to handle their lives and families?

         The week seemed to go by quickly.

Considering how the timeline in this story apparently works, that’s nobody’s surprise.

And the day Link was to come home drew near. I spent the last few days with Princess Zelda preparing a "Welcome Home" Celebration for our men returning home.

What part of Zelda being the princess do you not understand?

And on the day they returned, everyone in Hyrule attended to welcome home our men. The crowd was huge. Everyone had crowded into Hyrule market.

You know, instead of a more sensible place like Hyrule Castle.

I had even seen other wives waiting for their husbands.

Oh gee, ya think?

I had a hard time getting around. My stomach was big and when the baby kicked it took it out of me.


So moving through the crowd was very difficult. As the knights begun walking through the Market Place I finally found a spot where I could see and awaited for Link.

Seeing how Jenna is possibly in her third trimester, she should have trouble moving in general.

         I watched as different legions went through, none of them Link's.

Eh? Wasn’t Link’s legion the one being sent to the battle? Did the King think that he didn’t have enough fucking people to fight in the war so he forced other people into the war just so that the author could cockblock Link?

I felt his presence as I telepathically called to him. "Yes, my love." "I will be there soon." "I miss you too." He said to me in my mind.

So Jenna could actually communicate with Link through telekenisis. Well, why the fuck hasn't she done it while Link was at war?

Then when the last legion came through I spotted my husband at the lead. My face grew bright as I called out to him.

The sue is so awesome she has the ability to see her own face.

         As he passed by he smiled at me. At that moment I begun to cry, I was soo happy he was finally home.

I could not wait to be in his arms again. It had been such a long time and I wanted to run to him and give him a hug. But I had some patience so I tried to wait.

         The King was at the other end of the Market. He welcomed home each of the knights as they passed by. Some even got rewards for bravery. I watched from the street as the King welcomed home Link's legion. There was a long pause then the King called Link over to him. I watched to see if he was awarded anything.

Because the Hero of Time certainly doesn’t deserve to be rewarded with anything right now.

         There was a silence as the King produced a small red box. I moved in to get a closer look. When I got to the bottom of the stairs leading to the platform Link was on, the King noticed me and told me to join them. "Since you are this brave man's wife, you may join him up here."

Bullshit, you only brought her up there because she’s an entitlement whore! Because if you really did bring her up for that reason, you could have at least made that apply to the other wives of the soldier’s under that title.

As my eyes darted around the Market, I noticed all eyes were on me.

“They like me, they really like me!”

I got nervous, and the King noticed that.

“She’s got to be the one responsible for this curse!”

         "Come daughter, join your husband up here commentate his bravery in the field of battle."

Shut up King, she’s not a princess, and she’s not your fucking daughter.

My eyes darted around once more then I slowly made my way up the wooden stairs and to the platform where Link and the King were. At one point I almost tumbled, but the King caught me and helped me the rest of the way up. Then I took my place at Link's side. "This brave solder went above and beyond the call of duty, in the field of battle." "He risked his own life to save his men."

“And despite the suethor being too lazy to acknowledge this herself, I just thought I should mention it despite the audience not giving a fuck at this point.”

"For that I award this brave man Link, The (8)Triforce of Valor."

And that is…

(8) The Triforce of Valor is a pin that is awarded to a solder that risks his life or becomes wounded in the line of duty. Only solders with great stature are awarded this pin of highest honors. This pin symbolizes that you risked your life for your men on the field of battle and gains the wearer respect.

…a complete and utter asspull!

The King opened the box and held up a pin with a red bird behind the Triforce symbol. In one the bird's claws was a bundle of arrows and in the other was a lightning bolt.

Jen, this is a medieval war, not WWII. You can’t Americanize the Zelda canon and expect it to make sense.

A small Purple Heart sat in the center of the Triforce symbol.

Because nothing better symbolizes bravery and manliness than a fucking purple heart.

         The King took the pin and placed it on Link's uniform. Then a loud cheering came from the crowd as Link turned to look over everyone. He waved a couple of times, then turned his attention to me.

*mutters under voice* Of course, he’s always fucking giving you attention.

He took me into his arms and we kissed. More cheering came as we embraced.

Hail the Almighty Sue!

Then I looked into his eyes and a tear ran down my cheek. "I missed you soo much." "I'm soo glad that your finally home." I said softly.

Then I placed a hand on my belly. "Our baby is going to be born soon." "I was told any day now." I took his hand and placed it on my stomach. "Do you feel the baby kicking?" I asked sweetly. After a minute he looked back up at me and smiled. "Yes, yes I can."

Ugh, how long till she talks about her hymen breaking in front of the crowd of people watching?

At that moment his eyes seemed to glow, as happiness filled into them, and I knew that he was happy to be home. He took me into his arms again, and held me close. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the King was smiling. He knew we were very happy together.

But truth be told, under that overly happy exterior, Link’s thinking too himself: “Good lord, is there a way I can be unbonded from this bint?”

Since Zelda had not yet married he at least had one daughter that wed.

Wait, wazza?

         That made the King happy. Since we wed he had another heir to the throne. In the event that Princess Zelda does not take the throne, Link is next in line. Then I would become Queen. The King knew he was not getting any younger, but he felt at ease knowing there was another to be able to take the throne in the event that Zelda does not. Though this did not change Link and I, but we had to groom ourselves in the event that Link would become King and I Queen.

That doesn’t make any goddamn sense! How come Link and Jenna can become heirs to the throne, and Zelda can’t? Sure, Link is the “Hero of Time”, but that doesn’t mean he has political experience, plus the king barely even knows who the fuck Link even is. Plus Jenna is just a whiny merchant girl who just leached off the princess to gain the title, so therefore, she couldn’t have had any political experience either, and no, the whole bond with Zelda bullshit doesn’t cut it, because as previously stated in the story, Jenna has spent most of her life as a merchant girl selling things to other people. Zelda on the other hand, had actual experience, as she spent every second of her life being held responsible for watching over the kingdom and the triforce.

I loved the King, he had become like a father to me.

Where have you been since the beginning of this fucking story? He’s always been treating you like you’re his daughter, in fact, even more so than your “friend” Zelda.

But I was in no hurry to become Queen. Though I knew that day may eventually come.

Nice try, but that doesn’t exclude you from being labeled as an entitlement whore.

         As Link and I walked through the street, the crowd cheered as we passed by. Link was very beloved by the people of Hyrule. Every one in Hyrule owed Link his or her life.

The townspeople don’t owe Link shit because they didn’t know Link saved Hyrule. But even if they did, they wouldn’t owe him their lives, it’s the other way around, dumbass.

He saved them all. But now they were glad that Link had taken a wife.

One that has more than one functioning brain cell and understands the responsibilities of being heir to the throne would make them more proud though. Because it gives them the notion that Link can make good decisions.

And when our baby was born, everyone in Hyrule will want to bless the baby of the "Hero of Time." Another to carry on in his/hers father's legend.

Ok, this is ridiculous, anybody would know that Zelda is the legend, hell even the people of the most isolated tribes in South America would know that Zelda is the legend. Hence why it is called “The Legend of Zelda”.

         When we arrived back home all of the Kokiri were there to greet us along with or fairies Lilly and Navi. "Your finally home, I missed you Link." Navi squealed as she flew over to him.

Again, guardian faries, they’re supposed to watch over you.

"You were really missed." As she flew around him her blue aura brightened.

She must really miss Link if you know what I mean.

"I missed you too Navi." Link said as he smiled at her. "Jen and I really missed you to." Lilly said as she flew in front of me. "Link, hey LINK!"

Damn it Lilly, don’t you know that’s Navi’s job?

         A girls voice called from behind the crowd. Then Saria came running through the crowd and up to him. "I missed you a lot too Link." "How are you?" Saria said as her eyes lit up at the sight of him. "Were soo glad your home." "Jen spent a lot of time with us while you were away." Just then something caught her eye. "What is that on your uniform?" Saria asked as she gently fingered the pin on Link's uniform.

An explanation that doesn’t tell the actual story?

"It's called the "Triforce of Valor." "The King awarded this to me for my bravery in the field of battle." Link said with pride.

Yet again, it would be nice for Jen to explain what is meant by Link’s “bravery in the field of battle.” To be in a war, you really need the balls to fight another group of people and protect your own people at the risk of losing your life in the most hideous ways. How does being brave automatically merit this Badge the King picked up at the nearest dollar store?

A loud "WOW" came from the crowd as Link showed everyone. "Oh Link, that is soo wonderful."

Yeah, pretty amazing for a guy that was able to fight this monstrosity:

"You must be so proud of him." Saria said as she looked at me. "Yes I am, but I'm just glad to have him home again." I said blushing. Then we had a small celebration to celebrate Link's return home.

         We had a small feast, then we danced and drank.

Sure the baby will probably turn into a complete retard and run into walls as a result, but it was so much fun for the both of them.

Then around Midnight everyone went home, and Link and I were left alone. We told Lilly and Navi that we were going to the pond out back to have a swim.

Gee, this sounds like another sex scene coming this way.

The night air was warm, perfect for swimming. We went to our special little pond.

How does all of this stuff randomly appear? You never mentioned a pond in your extensive description of your farmland.

Once there we took off our clothes and went into the cool water.

Please tell me they’re at least in their undergarments or something.

We splashed and played around in the water for awhile. Then I looked into Link's eyes. They were glowing under the moonlight. I went into his arms, and felt his body against mine.

Ah shit, another one?

Then he gently pressed his lips on mine kissing me deeply. It had been such a long time since we kissed like this.

You could say that again, seeing how sex seems to be just as important as water and a notch above air for you.

We kissed even deeper, our tongues finding their ways into each other's mouth. I felt his hands caressing my body, felt the connection between us growing stronger.

How much stronger could this “connection” of yours get? You went to a freaking bonding ceremony just to achieve the strongest connection imaginable. The only bond that could bring you any closer together was if you somehow found out how to conjoin each other’s bodies.

I ran my hands down his back as he moved his lips to my neck.

Oh come on, this shit again? Will it ever end?

I felt his heart beginning to beat faster, heard his thoughts in my mind.

“What did I ever do to deserve this fate?”

       I wanted him soo bad. Wanted to feel him. It had been such a long time since we made love. I whispered in his ear that I wanted him. That I wanted to feel him. And I heard him in my mind, heard him say that he wanted me too.

Good lord, not even a fucking bonding ceremony could keep you from obsessing over how much you want him. That’s got to be some kind of record.

I felt the heat of our bodies, felt his hands touching me, felt them caressing my body.

Why do I even bother with these sex scenes anymore?

I started to breath faster, as my heart was beating in unison with his. Then I felt him quivering against me, as he slowly penetrated my awaiting body.

The intensity of it raced through my body, raced through my bones. It had been a long time since I felt this feeling.

As we made love, I felt our connection become full.

And you’re probably going to rag on about this again the next time we bump into a scene like this.

I felt as if our bodies merged. We became as one. Even more so when we both came to a full climax. I screamed out his name as I felt him release his essence deep inside me.

Jesus, by the amount of times you fuck Link in this story, I doubt you’d want just four children.

       Then I put my lips to his long, sexy pointed ear and whispered words of passion to him, before sweetly licking and nibbling on it. I heard him moaning softly as I caressed his ear with my lips and his body with my hands. I was so glad to finally be in his arms again, to be able to feel him. I had longed for this day; Longed to make love to him. Now my dreams had come true. He was finally home.


Finally, we’re halfway done with this story!

This story is actually making me question all of the choices I've made in my life!

My content can be found here.

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Post #20


Group: Members
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post Dec 24 2016, 12:47 PM
This text=Hell
This text=Suffering

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Man, I wonder if Jenna finally gets a child."

Well strap in folks, we're going in.

- - -

[b]The Miracle

[color="#00BFFF"]The only miracle that could possibly happen in this story is if out of nowhere, someone shot you in the heart with a Light Arrow.

         The next few days were hard on me, the dizziness became horrid and I started to feel sick. It got so bad that I had to rest in bed. Then came the false labor. The pains were so intense that I felt as if my whole body was in a vise.
I couldn't get up out of bed without the pains making me feel like falling over. Link had to care for me. I ate all of my meals in bed. And when it was time to bathe Link had to help me to the tub to wash me. It was hard, I felt helpless. But Link had told me that he was glad to care for me.

TL;DR: A bunch of mushy pregnancy garbage and other shit highlighting how worthless the sue is happens.

I was going to give birth to our baby any day now. And he did not want to see me or the baby get hurt.

Which is why he allowed me to drink alcohol and pee and have sex with him while I was in the late stages of pregnancy.

Then a few nights later it happened.

All of the angry Zelda fans who read this story crucified me.

          I woke up and rustled Link awake. "Link honey wake up, its time!" I was going into labor. "Grumble." "Go back to sleep." Link said as he rolled over.

The Hero of Time ladies and gentlemen! Also, who says “grumble” in their sleep?

Then I shook him again. "Link, WAKE UP.....I'm going into labor!" I cried as I shook him. "Wha, What?!" "Oh my Goddesses, its time!" He jumped out of bed, grabbed his robe and went to get Navi and Lilly. As he opened the door, I heard him calling for our fairies. "LILLY, NAVI come quickly!"

Are these two ever in the same room as the people they’re supposed to guard?

Link cried. "What is the matter?" Navi asked. "Navi, you and Lilly must fly to the castle quickly, fetch Princess Zelda and the healer!" "Jenna's going into labor, its time!" " And please make haste." Link cried in urgency. "Lilly hurry, we must go!" Navi screeched. Then Lilly and Navi flew off to fetch Princess Zelda and the healer.

You know, thinking about how fast Navi and Lilly have to fly to reach a long distance on time is making me think about how much I’d rather watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail than read this story.

Seriously is Navi a European or an African fairy?

         I didn't have long.

I only had 4 more minutes of no sex to live.

The baby was on its way. I felt the contractions become less spaced apart. I hoped that Lilly and Navi would bring the healer here quickly.

Only one problem, you’re in the LOST WOODS, while they’re in A FUCKING CASTLE MILES AWAY FROM IT!!!!

I tried to hold the baby back, but that was no longer any good after my water broke. "I cannot hold the baby back any longer, Link!" "My water just broke!"

In the world of Hyrule, having a baby is like taking a shit, and I’m not even saying that to be funny. The way she’s describing the birth of the little rat is like she’s taking a shit or something, and is too embarrassed to do it in front of everyone.

"One way or another this baby is coming." I cried as my breathing became labored. "Just hang in there my love, Lilly and Navi will be back soon with Princess Zelda and the healer." Link was getting more concerned with each passing minute.

A few hours later

What, I’m just trying to be realistic here!

Then a horse came plodding up to the front of the house and I heard voices. "Oh...my Goddesses.....they're.....finally here!" I said in between gasps of breath. Link ran out the door to hurry them along. Then a minute later he came back with the healer followed by Princess Zelda. "Princess, go get some pillows and blankets!" "And be quick about it." After Princess Zelda came back with the pillows, she put a pillow under my head and the blankets over and under my body.

Silly princess of Hyrule, you know you’re not supposed to do princess shit.

Then Link came to my side and held my hand.

*sings* I wanna hold your hand

         "Hurry the baby is coming!" I cried as the contractions became closer together. "You must breath slower." "Take a deep breath." " Now push!" The healer yelled.

It sure is a good thing this story is trying to be meaty and purposeful. If it didn’t, this supposedly dramatic scene would be extremely boring. Good thing it’s not even trying.

I felt the baby trying to come out but something was wrong.

The baby had a big nose and shouted “Itsa Me.”

That two timing bitch!

"Push harder!" She called again

And so the sue was pushed off a cliff and the rest of Hyrule lived happily ever after.

"I'm pushing......as hard as I can,...DAMNIT!" I screamed.

I’m so constipated right now Link! Hnnnnng!

"Princess, do you see the head yet." "No, not yet!" Zelda cried. "Damnit....GIVE....me something, LINK...you did this to....me!"

"DAMNIT.....get this thing....out of me....NOW!"

It’s starting to rupture my anus!

I cried as the pain got worse. I started to curse as the pain became more intense.

“Fuck you pain, how dare you treat the wonderful Jenna like shit!”

"Damn YOU...Link!" I screamed as I looked up at him.(but afterwards I told him I was sorry.)

Mr. Krabs: You really haven’t got any brains at all, have you son…”

"You must calm down." Take deep breaths......thats it." "Princess anything yet?" "No, mistress something is wrong!" Zelda cried as she looked up. "What?!" The healer yelled as a look of pure shock cross her face.

You’re a terrible healer if you’re surprised to see a birth go awry.

"The baby's head is not facing down!" Zelda cried again.

That’s really the big concern here?

          With those words came our worst nightmare. My face went white as a sheet and so did Link's. At that moment I thought our baby was going to die. I started to cry as the thought of loosing our baby looked evident.

Actually no, the baby doesn’t simply die from facing upwards, dipshit!

"We must act quickly!" "We have to get the baby's head turned!"

Just the head? Not the body on it? If that’s the case, then fuck yeah, that will kill the baby.

The healer yelled as she prepared to go in and turn the baby's head. As Zelda and the healer worked quickly together they managed to get the baby's head in the right direction. "We got the baby's head facing down now PUSH!”

Oh I see, turning a baby in someone’s pussy is the equivalent of screwing in a loose screw into a plank of wood.

The healer cried again. "URAGH" I screamed as I pushed with every ounce of strength I had. "Mistress I see the head!" "Now hands, feet....."Then the next thing that I heard was music to my ears, a baby crying.

Just wait a few months and then tell me if it’s still music to your ears.

         "Oh Goddesses.....congratulations its a boy!" Zelda cried.

Tears of happiness ran down my cheeks as I squeezed Link's hand. Then Zelda took and wrapped the tiny baby in a blanket and gave him to me. I cried even more as I held the tiny miracle in my arms. "He looks just like you my love." I said softly as I looked up at Link.

He’s blood stained, has a squashed face, and has very little hair just like you!

"We made this tiny miracle together." I laid my head against Link's chest as I looked at the baby's little face.

Isn’t he adorable?

"What shall we call him?" "Since he is a boy, and it was a son you wanted you pick the name my love." I said as I looked into Link's eyes. "Link the second he shall be called." Link said with pride. "After his own father." " Named after a legend." "Link Jr." I said softly.

Ok, first of all, you haven’t thought of a name for the child until now? Secondly, Link Jr. are you serious? That just makes Link out to be a complete narcissist like you, I mean, he did call himself the legend while Zelda has been relegated to being a freaking midwife!

"Welcome into the world little Link." I laid there and held little Link in my arms. I now felt complete.

My face grew as white as a sheet and my eyes grew as big as saucers from all of the repetitive dialog.

I had Link. Now I had a son with him.

Because who needs identity when you can spend most of your time making babies?

This was the most beautiful gift Link gave me. He gave me......a miracle.

  EMBED PBrush  

And thus, the suethor had wrung out the magic of the word “miracle.”

Onwards to the next chapter

The Blessing

         A few days later word had spread through Hyrule that Link and I just had a baby.

Well no shit, this had become common knowledge to them since the day you showed your grubby ass in Hyrule.

When the King heard that Link had a son he was just delighted.

“Now I can stop paying attention to that whore Zelda, and pay more attention to this dude I’ve never met and his retarded, delusional sue wife.”

He was going to have a blessing ceremony for the baby when I was well enough to get out of bed. Link spent the time I was in bed caring for me and our son. For the first few days we were keeping little Link in the room with us. It was safer and easier when he needed to be fed. Since I was breast-feeding him it was not much for me to get up and get him out of his cradle. There was the chair in the corner for me to use during feeding time.

A shopping list has a more interesting plot than this.

Link went on a magical quest to the market to pick up a dozen eggs and a gallon milk. When he got there, the milk and eggs were out of stock, FUCK! Will Link get his milk and eggs? Find out in our next adventure Link vs. the store clerk!

         I was surprised that for the most part Link Jr. slept through most nights. But there were a few times where he cried in the middle of the night to be changed or fed. But I was glad to have this little miracle.

The sue baby is never a burden to his sue parents.

He was my pride and joy. I finally had a family. A family to call my own. When I was well enough to leave the bed we sent word to the Royal Family that I was ready. Two days later, me and the baby were beheaded.

         The King had everyone in Hyrule attend.

“Ladies and germs of Hyrule. Link just did something amazing today! He didn’t save Hyrule this time. Instead…he had fucked a merchant girl. Also today’s the day we celebrate the jingling of keys”

He wanted everyone to meet the "Hero of Time's" first-born son. Also his name was to be announced to everyone after he was blessed.

Such a creative, totally not ass-pulled name just has to be heard by all of Hyrule.

The sun was bright as I walked out of the Lost Woods and onto Hyrule Field.

So Jenna here, who just recovered from being pregnant is walking to…oh, just fuck it, OK?

I was carrying Link Jr. in my arms. Link walked at my side as we went. I watched as little Link giggled when he saw the sun.

So your son is solar powered?

"This is the outside world my son." "Look." I said as I held him so he was facing Hyrule Field.

“And frankly this is all you get to see, as you are only a pigment of my fucked up imagination!”

He giggled and his little eyes lit up as he saw the new outside world.

This highlighted how much of a sue spawn he truly was, just give him a couple more years, and he will make his own shitty OC army to rule Hyrule once and for all.

I smiled at Link as he giggled. "He is so beautiful my love." "He is the best gift you ever gave me." I said as I looked into his blue eyes. Link leaned over and kissed me, smiled, then put his arm around me.

When we reached the Castle Gates Princess Zelda, Impa and the King were there to greet us. We were taken to the Castle Courtyard where everyone was waiting to meet the son of the "Hero of Time."

And I bolded that for obvious reasons.

         There was a lot of bustle as people waited to see the son of Link and Jenna. I looked from behind the archway and saw that the Sages had attended, and to my surprise even Princess Ruto was there.

She was there to bitch slap me.

Even the Zora and Goron races attended to see this blessed event.

Excuse me, but don’t the Zoras and Gorons have more important shit to worry about?

I cuddled our son as I waited for the King to announce us. Link smiled when our little son looked up at him, smiled big and giggled. I saw Link's face just light up when I handed our son to him.

The baby’s sue levels reflected on Link’s face.

I nearly cried as I watched Link cuddle our little miracle.

A baby so miraculous it apparently dies if it’s head is facing upwards.

Little Link meant as much to me as his father, my whole world revolved around them. They were my life.

This story is every Tumbler user’s nightmare.

Seriously though, how many times do I have to remind you that you’ve known Link for only a year? He’s had nothing to do with 90% of your life!

I listened as the King made his speech, then we were announced.

It was a speech so thought-provoking it speaks for itself by just saying he said it.

I looked in to my love's eyes and told him it was time to bless our son. Link handed Link Jr. to me and we went to show all of Hyrule the son of a legend.

Too bad the real legend’s status slowly diminishes the more this story feels it needs to continue.

         I held the tiny baby gently in my arms as we walked out to greet all of Hyrule. Then as we walked out a loud cheer rose from the awaiting crowd. Zelda played her lullaby as I prepared our little son to be held high.

Hold up, now you’re stealing Zelda’s lullaby from her, and reducing it to a fucking lullaby you’d use to lull a baby to sleep? You know, the lullaby that only few people, like her and Link should know about.

When she finished the King spoke once more. "My people, this is a time of blessing." "A new life has entered our world, a life born by Hyrule's legend." "Once a boy of destiny, left the forest and became a man." "He entered the Temple of Time and pulled the Master Sword from its resting place." "Thus he became the "Hero of Time." "His destiny became Hyrule's salvation." "His bravery saved us from a life of darkness." "Then with his duties completed, he found and took a wife." "Now that hero and his wife have been blessed with a new baby boy." "I now present the "Hero of Time" Link, his wife Jenna, and their new son." Then the King smiled at us and gave us way. I handed our son to Link and we walked forward, to where all of Hyrule could see our new son.

So much for a riveting speech. First of all, why is this necessary? Are you assuming that the people that read this story know as much about the game as you do? Secondly, this is the king who’s making this speech, who doesn’t even know Link exists, so how the hell would he know Link did all of this shit if he wasn’t around to see him do it? Thirdly, again with the people owing Link! Link was the town’s salvation, and they did not realize it, it’s not like he chose to be the Hero of Time, he was destined to do it, as only he could save them. Fourth, why is he listing the sue and child next to Link’s achievements? Is saving the entire flipping country really on the same level as marrying a sex-hungry OC and having a child who is just as much of a sue as she is? Last but definitely not least, why should anyone care?

I stood by Link's side as he looked down over all of Hyrule.

Are you kidding, both of you look down on Hyrule at this point.

          "I, Link the "Hero of Time" present our new son, Link the Second!" He yelled as he held our son up high for all of Hyrule to see. A loud cheering rose from the people of Hyrule as Link held our son up high.

Link’s Queen is being so original right now and definitely not stealing from anyone:

I smiled as everyone cheered, I felt happy. This was truly a special time in our little son's life.

Because one’s life can be effectively be measured in hours.

         After our son was presented, it was time for our son to be blessed. Rauru the Light Sage was awaiting with the other sages to bless our son first. He walked up to little Link and put his hands on his head. "Link the Second, son of the "Hero of Time" was born under a legend and will grow up in his father's image."

“One day he’ll be stuck with an OC bimbo for the rest of his life too.”

"To help guide and protect him in his journey through life, we the six sages each bestow a gift upon thy little one."

“We bring him to foster care.”

"I, Rauru the Light Sage, bestow the gift of courage upon thee." Rauru's hands begun to glow as he gave the gift of courage to our son.

Doesn’t Link wield the Triforce of Courage? It literally runs through his blood.

       Completed, Saria the Forest Sage was next to bestow her gift. "I, Saria the Forest Sage, bestow the gift of friendship upon thee." Saria placed her hands on Link Jr's tiny head and bestowed her gift.

Because lord knows you can’t be friends with people unless Saria blesses you. Maybe that’s why Jenna’s such a Mary Sue, she has the power of friendship coursing through her veins

       Next was Daurina. "I, Daurina the Fire Sage, bestow the gift of power upon thy brother."

By that logic the rat would have to be Darunia’s nephew.

Also, what kind of power does fire create?

With his big Goron hands he gently placed them on the tiny baby's head and shared his gift with him.

Because when I think about fire, I think about how it’s going to punch people in the taint.

       Then reluctantly Ruto walked over to our son to bestow her gift. "I, Ruto the Water Sage, bestow the gift of love upon thee." She placed her gentle fish like hands in our son's forehead and gave him her gift.

How appropriate that Ruto, the one sage that got cock-blocked, gives that little twerp the gift of love.

        Next was Impa. "I, Impa the Shadow Sage, bestow the gift of wisdom upon thee." Then the Sheika gave our son another beautiful gift.

If you haven’t guessed it by now, so far, the seven, oh sorry, I mean six sages gave the creature all three of the Triforce virtues: Power, Wisdom, and Courage. It’s a shame the author probably won’t do anything interesting with this.

      And last was Nabooru the Gerudo.

Who suddenly decided to come here for some reason.

She walked over to the cradle where our son was lying. She peered into the cradle and smiled at the little infant.

Are you implying that the little monster now has the capability of materializing a crib here and then teleporting from your arms to that crib?

"You truly look like your father." She said as she placed her hands on his small head. "

Had you not been too busy staring at Link’s ass, you’d learn that there were subtle hints of Nabooru being attracted to Adult Link.

Nabooru, why don’t you have a talk with Mr. Hansen.

I, Nabooru the Spirit Sage bestow the gift of compassion upon thee." Then the final gift was given.

Apparently, the sue baby was so impure that he actually had to be given the gift of compassion.

         Next Princess Zelda came to bestow her personal gift. She gently placed her hands on our baby's head and gave him the most special gift "I Princess Zelda, bestow the most important gift of all, the gift of knowledge."

Imagine how different this story would be if the author truly views knowledge as the “most important.”

I watched as her gentle hands begun to glow. Then an aura of white light surrounded the tiny baby as the gift of knowledge was given.

Finally, the transformation is complete! The baby is now a full on sue.

Once completed the white aura faded and Rauru spoke once more. "With these gifts, Link the Second shall be guided through the valley of life."

Do you even read what you type to see if it makes any god damned sense?

"He is truly one special child, a child of destiny." I held Link tight as I watched our little son get his final blessing. A tear of happiness ran down my cheek as I thought of what beautiful gifts were given to our special little son. Our son was truly a descendant of my "Hero of Time."

He was the product of us having tons of sweaty tiger sex and having his brain reprogrammed with vague traits that supposedly defines his character now.

         After the blessing was complete our final place for Link Jr to receive a gift was from the Great Deku Tree.

Now the baby gets a useless fairy sidekick too?

After some final words Link and I took our son and headed for Kokiri Forest. Saria came with us. Once we arrived at the Great Deku Tree he awoke from his slumber. "Ah Link and Jenna, I have been expecting thee." "Come and sit." As we sat down in the grass as little Link giggled and reached for a butterfly that fluttered near his head.

Daw! This has to be the most kawaii thing I’ve ready all day desu!11!1

"I see thou have had thy first born." "As promised I give thee a special gift." I watched as a small glowing light flew over to us. Then I noticed it was a fairy. "A fairy for our son, this is truly the best gift of all."

I thought to myself. As the small blue fairy flew around our son, he giggled and tried to reached for her. "Hello." "My name is Aria."

I’m a character that doesn’t need to be in this story, like you!

"Nice to meet you." The fairy said as she fluttered in a circle around our little son. I smiled as the young fairy played with Link Jr. Then as I looked into Link's eyes, he saw a tear run down my face as I smiled. "Our son truly is very special." " He's our little miracle." I laid my head on Link's shoulder as he stroked my right arm. Our son was very special indeed, he was the son of a legend.

What? You mean to tell me that he’s special? You mean to tell me that all of that hammering in you’ve been doing in the past two chapters actually meant something?

- - -

...What the fuck am I doing with my life?

My content can be found here.

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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 19th August 2017 - 04:15 PM