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> Liese13: The Next Move, A butthurt author can't say goodbye
Post #1

Mocking Apprentice

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post Nov 25 2012, 11:22 AM
Coming at you once again, PAF members! I return with yet another piece of the massive, gelatinous mass that is bad fanfiction. This time, we have one about L.A. Noire, one of the coolest games I've ever played. A game so cool, it broke my old TV (I'm not kidding, it really happened!). Anyway, the good name of L.A. Noire has been besmirched and its story utterly gutted by getting a continuation.

Actual game end found HERE

But now, let's see what the author has to say for themselves.

Spoiler alert: Takes place after the game/alternate ending "He hadn't slept for days and felt as if he was about to starve but Cole Phelps was still alive" Cole wakes up in the tunnels under the city. He survived the water masses but will he find a way back into his old life now that everyone thinks he's dead? His family, Elsa and the job. He finally had to get everything right.

That's right folks, this author couldn't let Ol' Phelpy go when tons of fucking water turned him into a tangle mess of flesh and bone! The whiny bitch of an author thinks he can bring Phelps back AND write a coherent story about it. Everyone put on those fedoras, here we go! If you really don't want to know the end of LA Noire, I urge you to BACK OUT NOW!

Author's note:
His everyone, I just finished LA Noire and am truly fascinated by it's story and characters. I wasn't very satisfied with the ending though and think that something was missing there.

Only real thing missing for me was the build-up of Cole and Elsa's relationship. I mean, it seemed too sudden that Phelps just went for her when he had an existing family. Just a minor gripe.

So I decided to write this fanfiction in which Phelps survived the terrible accident in the tunnels and has to face the decisions and mistake he has made and find a way to get along with his life.

Aaaand this just lost all credibility. Sorry, author. You can't just bring characters back to life like that. One: he was crushed by a wall of water moving so fast he was probably somewhere in the Pacific before the creds rolled. Two: The author has obviously not experienced the power of water.

He has to clear his mind about a lot of things, especially his relationship with Elsa. The fanfic is Cole/Elsa centered but most of the other main-characters will also appear.

Wonder how many of those will be written so badly we'd swear they weren't the same person.

I want to apologize for some mistakes you may find in the text as English is not my mother-tounge. But I hope you like it anyways and find it easy to read and entertaining.

With the author saying that, I sincerely doubt all three of those.

Reviews are much appreciated :-) Let me know what you think and if you wanna read more of it. Now have fun.

Who else thinks they're also a review whore?

Disclaimer: I do not own LA Noire or any of it's characters, nor do I gain any profit with this story. It's simply written for others who wished the game to have ended another way :-)

Was there anything wrong with it? It was the hero falling from grace and trying to reach some point of redemption which ended up killing him! Besides, it was like a Noire movie! Sorry the somewhat-dark setting of Noire doesn't accommodate sunshine and rainbows into its ending, author! You want happy endings? Go back to fucking Pixar!

He couldn't breath.

Already? Fuck.

That was the first thing Cole Phelps was aware of as his body struggled to gain consciousness again.

Not too mention all the crushed organs and a more-than-likely shattered ribcage.

His eyes flung open and everything in him wanted to take a deep breath but it didn't happen. Something was blocking his lungs. He could feel his body convulse as his organs were about to fail due to the lack of oxygen. He was about to give up and send a last prayer when suddenly some kind of coughing reflex took over making him gulp. And finally there came water floating out his mouth. A lot of water. It was a terrible feeling to lay there on the ground not being able to control the own body.

Lesson learned: Not controlling your body sucks. Way to go, author! Next thing you know they'll think fire is hot!

But when the coughing and choking stopped Cole could finally take in some air.

OK, so far we know 1 thing. Cole can breathe. We're off to such a pulse-pounding start!

He remained motionless on his back and took deep and long breaths. Relief came washing over him. He wasn't dead yet. But what had happened? And where was he? He slowly sat up and immediately realized that his clothes and entire body were soaking wet.

When the last thing you see is a wall of water, you'd think being wet would be the first thing you notice. Plus, it's not like it carried him across the ocean! He's still in L.A.

He was sitting on a stony ground in some kind of tunnel. And then all of a sudden the memory came rushing back to him. The chase of Hogeboom, the flamethrower carrier of his unit back in the war. He had kidnapped Elsa and he and Jack had entered the tunnel system of the canalisation to save her and bring the series-killer to justice.

I have no idea what a “canalisation” is, but I think it's “serial killer”.

Jack had executed the poor man while he'd helped Elsa to make her way out but what had happened afterwards? Cole could remember seeing Biggs on the other side of a grid at the ceiling. Biggs had opened it and Cole had heaved Elsa up to him. But something was wrong. The water in the tunnel system was rising very fast. Just seconds later Jack Kelso had been standing by his side. Cole remembered that he'd looked terribly worn out with a bleeding wound on his arm.

Looks like he'll need some morphine to help with that. Oh wait, you confiscated it all. Bummer.

That was why he'd helped him out first. And just when he himself was about to climb out of the tunnel the water came rushing towards him and he was getting washed away by the water masses. The last thing he'd seen were the shocked faces of his partner, Jack and Elsa.

Except maybe that fish...

But how much time had passed since that moment? The water masses had trickled away where to he couldn't tell.

Well, it usually takes less than two minutes to drown unless your breath is held, and not much longer even with CPR so let's not say it's been “several days” or something just yet.

Cole slowly came to his feet and almost stumbled to the ground again. He quickly supported his body on one of the walls breathing heavily. It was only now that he realized just how bad his condition was. He felt dizzy and very feeble. Something thick and warm ran down his forehead and trickled into his left eye. Cole wiped it away with a shaking hand and found out that it was blood. He seemed to be having a gash somewhere on his forehead. But right now he had to concentrate on getting out of the tunnel. He made some slow and careful steps towards the left. He'd been lying in some kind of niche and one branch of the tunnel lay right in front of him. But he had to find out that both ways were filled with rubble and rocks.

Really? Seeing as those canals were made to support water flow, it seems weird that they would collapse. Did Elysian Fields build them too?

A part must have collapsed during the flooding. How was it even possible that he was still alive? He had to find another way out.

A VERY valid question, Phelps. But even his intuition wouldn't be able to comprehend it. It's because the author wills it to happen. That's the intro chapter, folks. We'll see where this little adventure takes us.

This post has been edited by SM2142: Nov 25 2012, 11:24 AM

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Post #2
Nihilistic One

Audino if I can put up with your shit

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post Nov 25 2012, 11:33 AM
Fixer fics are one of the worst types of fanfiction. Yes, we get it, you don't like how it ended. Move on with your life.
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Post #3

Mocking Apprentice

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post Nov 27 2012, 07:44 AM
Let's continue our Noire journey, folks. I'd make an Intuition joke here, but I sense the author doesn't have too much of that.

Chapter 2: Two days later

Really? Two whole days later? What was Phelps doing all that time that was so uninteresting? Did he stop by a hobo camp and fight a guy for his clothes? Did he off a freelance news kid for a new notebook and pencil after dumping the body in a dumpster? Did he go fuck with Rusty like he was appearing before him as a ghost after Rusty walked out of a bar? Come on, author! There are possibilities to fill those TWO FUCKING DAYS!

Elsa finished the song with a soft decrescendo. The few people sitting in the audience of the Blue room gave a warm applause but still she couldn't really enjoy the show.

Now she knows how I feel when reading fanfiction.

She was moaning.

Wait, on-stage? Doesn't that sound a bit weird?

Cole Phelps's funeral had only been the day before and she felt that she missed his calm and controlled presence in the audience. He'd used to just sit there sipping on his drink and watching her with that absent look in his eyes.

And you had no idea what he was thinking about, right? Come on! He's a dude! What else do we think about all fucking day and night?

Cole Phelps had been a good lover maybe one of the best she'd had in years.

OK, TMI, Elsa, TMI! We all kinda know what was going on behind that door of yours, no need to go into any more detail.

Although she never liked that their relationship always implied infidelity towards his wife and family. But it had been his decision not hers.

Oh, of course! So long as you were making his schtick a whole lot harder, everything was just groovy. How stupid of me to think otherwise!

He'd been a man with many talents but he also had his vice (German pussy). But despite of that he hadn't deserved this end, this terrible death.

I can sense the author's angst towards the game now.

Elsa let out a little sigh and quickly checked her hairstyle before beginning the next song. It was Cole's favorite.

Oh! Is it “Bohemian Rhapsody”?

She couldn't stop thinking about him while singing and thought that it would take her quite a while to forget about the detective.

Better call up that shrink of yours and-Oh...right...he's dead too.

Was that daylight? It looked like it but Cole couldn't be sure. He wasn't sure about anything any longer. He'd spent about 4 days now walking through the maze of tunnels at least he thought that it had been around 4 days.

WAIT A SEC! He's still down there? REALLY? It's a fucking canal, there aren't any ladders? Nowhere for the water to go? If that's the case then it's not really much of a canal, is it? Cripes, this fic just got a whole lot worse.

His wristwatch wasn't working any longer and he'd never seen any daylight...until now. He'd been wandering through countless tunnels of which most were blocked with rocks and rubble so that he had to turn and search for another way. The only reason he hadn't died yet were probably the small puddles of water which were left on some parts of the ground.

In the entire canal system? I think there'd be a LITTLE more water in there.

He drank some of that although it smelled and tasted disgusting. He hadn't slept the last days and felt as if he was about to starve but Cole Phelps was still alive.

Author? Do you even know the rules of 3's? A person can go three weeks without food, so don't give me any of this “starving” shit just yet.

He'd been thinking a lot while trapped in that maze. He'd made a quick recapitulation of his life and especially thought about his beautiful wife and daughters and how he'd treated them. Why did he have to cheat on Marie?

Because the game's plot dictated it, Phelps. And then the player led you on that stalking...I'm sorry, that “chase” sequence which ended at her place. You're in a game, Phelps! You're every action is dictated by powers beyond your own!

Then his thoughts had drifted off to to Elsa. Beautiful, intelligent and mysterious Elsa. He figured that he loved both women in a way. Was that even possible?

Can a man enjoy two types of meat in one meal? I'd say so.

And how should he deal with that matter if he ever came out of this maze alive?

You'll need a LOT of flowers...

All these thoughts were forgotten for a moment as he stared up to the small hole in the ceiling. It was definitely sunlight blinding him through it. The hope of seeing the street of Los Angeles again gave him the strength to move some of the rocks around and to build a pile out of them which he could use to climb towards the hole. He didn't have luck with his first try, the pile collapsed as he tried to climb it and he crashed to the ground, hitting his head on one of the rocks and grazing his knees and hands but he tried again and finally made it.

Crawling out of the sewer, our hero reemerges. Is it 10 years later and a whole shit-load of stuff has changed? It'd be funny.

His calloused hands felt the warm ground and soft grass on the surface and he managed to pull himself up with the very last power his body could provide. The light blinded him although the orange tone suggested that it was already evening. He quickly took in his surroundings. There wasn't anyone around, he appeared to be in the courtyard of some kind of factory but it seemed to be closed.

And there's grass there? Factories tend to have some major parking lots.

Cole tried to think about what he was supposed to do next as he could feel the very rest of his power fading. He could make out the form of a payphone about 20 feet away from him, that was his only chance.

I don't suppose he's got a nickel on him? I don't think R&I will accept his “badge 1247” thing this time.

He slowly made his way towards it while searching his torn up pockets for some change. He fortunately found some coins, inserted them to the phone and dialed the first number his tired brain could think of.


“Kelso?" Jack felt a bit annoyed as his phone buzzed in the evening. He'd just been about to leave his apartment for dinner downtown and if it was one thing he hated, it was telemarketers.

”Jack?" he could feel his heart skipping a beat for some seconds. He knew that voice, although it sounded muffled and kind of unfamiliar.

Does Cole sound like a fish?

“Cole?" he asked slowly and was still not quite sure if he could trust his own ears.

”Yeah it's me. Could you pick me up? I'll make it worth your while! Three words, Jack-ee-boy. Girls. Twins. Swiss." Cole sounded very exhausted.

”How is that possible? Everyone thought you were dead! We buried you!"

Well, you never found his corpse, so you can't say you buried him. Unless you threw that picture of him in the ground and thought that it counted?

Was he dreaming? “...explain that later...please I need help."

Jack sighed. “Ok, where are you?" He quickly wrote down the vague address his former comrade was giving him. Jack grabbed his hat and immediately left.

Your hat, folks. Never, EVER, leave home without it! Only commie spies leave without hats on!

The address led him to the other end of the city and it took him almost an hour to get there.

His thoughts were running wild as he was driving through the city which really screwed with his driving ability. It could be possible that Phelps was still alive, they had buried an empty coffin.

Boy, the grave robbers are in for a big surprise, aren't they?

It had been clear soon that major parts of the tunnel system had collapsed due to the flooding. Some search teams attempted to go in and find the body but they had surrendered after only one day with no sign of Cole or Bane's crew. It had been almost impossible for them to find a way through the the mess in these tunnels.

You see? This is exactly where a group of trained sewer rats would be just the thing they need! But NOOOOOOOO! They just had to restock the office supply of hooch!

Nobody had told Elsa or Cole's wife that his coffin in fact was empty and Jack only knew because his new boss had told him in confidence the evening before the funeral. He hadn't liked the idea of Phelp's body rotting somewhere in that terrible maze of tunnels, no Marine should leave this world just like that.

There are worse ways to die, Jack. He could have suffered a fatal heart attack while trying to hoist his pants up by the suspenders. He would have died with his pants down, then!

But everything had changed with Cole's call.

Oh sure, stop the fucking presses! This is so much more interesting than the Reds and U.S. moving towards a war in Korea.

Jack finally took a left turn and came on the drive belonging to some kind of factory. He could see the shape of the huge building in the distance. A gate prohibited him to drive any further. He left the car where it was with the keys still in it and walked towards the gatekeeper's small wood-house only to find that it was empty.

Who's ready for a little law-breaking? I know I am!

Jack took a good look around to see if anyone was watching him. Then he stepped in, threw the lever that opened the gate for him and drove on the factory's ground.

The street led him directly to a huge courtyard. No soul was around probably because it was already 8:15 pm. But there in the distance he could make out one of the blue payphones and a figure lying next to it. He quickly parked the car and ran towards the body. Was it really possible?

Was it possible for me to give a shit about how this fic turns out? Not likely.

He had to know.

OK, so we're in for an awkward reunion between Cole and Jack. Not looking forward to it.

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Post #4

Mocking Apprentice

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post Nov 27 2012, 07:18 PM
Author's Notes: Hey, thanks for your awesome reviews, made me really happy :-) I planned to upload a new chapter by the end of the week but figured I could as well do so today ;-) I hope you like it and review :-)

Hold it! People are reviewing this and liking it? I'm sorry, but is everyone on these fanfic websites total MORONS? This is just some bitchy author writing “their” version of a game ending. If they want this shit to stick, make a mod for the game like those Mass Effect 3 fans did! Now they did an excellent job! Thanks to them, I finally was able to bury all that ME3 ending stuff that had been gnawing away at me.

Chapter 3:
And it really was Cole Phelps lying there on the pavement. But he looked very lifeless. Was he just unconscious or dead? He looked terrible, only a shadow of his former self.

And not just because it's dark, right? He hasn't been on a deserted island all this time, author! It's not like he was gone for a “long time”.

His gray suit was beyond dirty and torn up on various parts. The hair was messed up and greasy and his face looked emaciated. Dark rings were hanging under his closed eyes and a short brown beard had grown on cheeks, chin and upper lip.

“Phelps? Cole, can you hear me?" he kneeled down next to the shattered Detective, trying to wake him.

Aw, shit, please don't tell me he needs CPR.

Phelps was lying on his side and Jack grabbed his shoulder to turn him on his back. Then he saw the huge and bloody gash just beyond his hairline. It looked dangerously inflamed.

Looks like someone needs a shot of morph-oh, wait, that's all gone too!

Everything about Cole's appearance suggested that he'd just made his way out of the tunnels. But how did he survive? Almost a week had passed since the two of them had traced down Hogeboom.

Wait sec! First it was two days, then four days, and now a WEEK? Make up your fucking mind, author! I really don't care which one, as long as you choose one and stick with it! I swear, did the author not check that? This is only chapter 3 and already continuity is gone?

“Cole!" he didn't respond. Jack pressed his ear to the man's chest listening for a heartbeat. He sighed in relief as he heard the steady thumb thumb. But the man needed help that was obvious.

What gave you that idea?

He continued trying to wake him – without success. “Let's get you to a hospital..." muttered Jack and grabbed Cole under the armpits to drag him towards the car. He'd learned that way of carrying dead or injured men back in the war.

What about the over-the-shoulder carry? “Fireman Carry” or something? Wouldn't that be a bit less stressful for the victim? What do I know? I only have a survival book here in my backpack with me.

A shiver went down his spine as he tried to fight various flashbacks of similar situations back in college when “Beer-Run Benny” threw a party. The bullet wound on his arm had still not fully healed and smarted under the weight of the unconscious man. He managed to put him on the backseat and rushed towards the next hospital.

He ended up at the same clinic in which he'd been staying after he collapsed at Elsa's apartment.

Ah yes, I remember that cutscene well. Jack totally got a face-full of floor.

At least the wounds from this fight had finally healed and not everyone flinched away anymore at the sight of his face.

I think a hole in your arm would have a similar effect.

He went inside the nice building and towards the reception to get someone to help him drag Cole out his car, because he was NOT dragging his ass around ever again. The pretty receptionist smiled up at him. “Mr. Kelso, how are you? Did everything heal well? Are you here for us to look into that erectile dysfunction?"

He returned the smile. “Yeah, I'm just fine, princess, and so is Jack Jr. But it's not about me this time. Have you read about that firebug trying to hide in the canalisation last week? And about the death of one Detective Cole Phelps?"

“Well yes, it was all over the newspaper. Together with that big scandal about Elysian Fields, what a terrible conspiracy, I'm sure something like that will NEVER happen again in the future. And that poor LAPD man...he had a wife and kids didn't he?"

“Yes and today it turned out that he isn't dead. But he isn't very well either.”

He's somewhere between “fucked-up” and “complete shit”.

“I got him in my car and could use some assistance. Got any duct tape?"

The young woman's eyes grew wide in surprise. “He's alive? But how is that possible?"

Don't bother with such a question, toots. We won't really get much of an explanation.

“I don't really know yet...all I know is that he somehow made it of these tunnels today and that he's somehow been there a really long time. Somehow..."

The woman quickly came to her feet. “I'll go get the doctor!"

I'll page Dr. Kill-Patient at once!

Just 10 minutes later Cole was in one of these comfortable beds in a nicely decorated room and being surveyed by the same doctor who'd also treated Jack during his stay.

Well isn't that a fucking coincidence! Wonder how much of the medical bill gets covered by insurance if you've been presumed dead.

“This man is very close to a fatal mixture of starvation and dehydration." was his diagnosis.

Now the Doc doesn't know the proper rule of 3's? Maybe it's one of those “discount” clinics.

“We need him to wake up soon so that he can eat and drink. Monica could you take care of that nasty head wound? It definitely needs stitches."

Someone grab the dental floss!

He then turned to Jack who'd been standing in the doorway.

Do you mind? Oh, and this really is the famous Cole Phelps?" he asked and then added. “Yeah I know his face from the papers. The paparazzi got some good dirt on him! What's your relationship with this man, sir? Friend? Family? Lover?"

Jack had to think about his answer for a moment. Yeah what was this man to him? A friend was way too much to say...he remembered the short conversation between him and Biggs after the funeral.

Or Elsa's little outburst to make you hate yourself a little bit more.

“You weren't his friend."

Especially after you lost your friendship bracelet he made you.

“But I also wasn't his enemy."

“We served together in the sixth marine corps. Know each other for quite some time now." was finally his answer.

The doctor just nodded slowly after rolling his eyes. Despite of his grumbling and empty stomach Jack decided to stay a little longer. He took a seat in one corner of the room and watched as the nurse put some fumigation on the head wound and began to stitch it up.

Some “fumigation”? Isn't that when you fill a house with some kind of chemical gas that kills off bugs and vermin?

It only took her a few minutes and then she stepped back a little. “Doctor?" she walked towards the corridor. “He's waking up."

“Good, very good. Now let's collect my fee!" the doctor came rushing into the room again.

“There's soup in the canteen, could you bring some here for the patient please? And plenty of water and a bucket to pee in." She quickly left.

“Mr. Phelps how are you feeling? Taking a media-friendly turn for the worse?" asked the doctor.

Jack observed Cole slowly shifting in the bed. “Weak, very weak. And tired..." was his low response.
“That is quite normal considering what you went through the last days. Also, if you see a bright light, PLEASE go towards it." said the doctor soothing.

“How long was I down there?"

If I knew, Cole, I'd tell you. But apparently the author has about as much of a clue as I do.

Jack decided that it was time for him to surface. He stood up and slowly walked towards Cole's bed.

“Five days, more or less." he answered.

Really? I find that hard to believe. Plus it's a different estimate than before! Can no one just stick with the original?

Cole looked up at him with those tired eyes. “Kelso, thanks for taking me here. I guess I didn't make it 'till you arrived."

What the hell does that even mean? He's not dead so of course he made it!

“Yeah, it was a long drive. You were pretty out of it." he paused thinking about how to phrase the next words.

“Cole...everyone thinks you're dead. We buried you, and everyone...your wife, Elsa...they're certain you died out there.”

So you threw them all into Cole's empty coffin and buried them alive? Holy shit! This just got interesting! OK, that's not what actually happened. But it would make this a lot more interesting.

“And I thought so too until today." an incredulous look manifested itself on the detective's face.

Like a face in Garrysmod.
“But you never found my body..."

Well, they thought they did once, but you'd be amazed how many “missing” people get dumped down there.

“It was impossible because most of the tunnels collapsed."

“Yeah, I realized..." Cole continued to stare up at him. “But what am I supposed to do now?"

Well, upon recovery, I guess you'd get a nice “thank you” for the conspiracy you helped expose and then maybe ask for your old job back?

That question surprised Jack. “First you recover a little and then you tell everyone that you're alive."
Phelps didn't look very convinced. “I can't just go and tell my wife that I'm alive. I guess she wouldn't even wanna see me and Elsa...she'd be thrilled!" a desperate expression found its way into his eyes.

Jack understood that his former comrade was a broken man and he couldn't help him with pushing his life back in the right direction.

“You'll have to sort it out. Can't help you with that." Cole nodded but the look of desperation didn't leave his face.

Yeah, Cole. Jack can't help you there. Like I said before: flowers.

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Post #5

Mocking Apprentice

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post Dec 1 2012, 08:07 AM
The author seemed to forget to add an intro line this time, so allow me.

Chapter 4: Faff and the World Faffs With You

“You should really calm down a little Mister..." intervened the doctor.

I just need to get that liver out, now hold still!

Cole looked puzzled as if he'd already forgotten about his presence. The young nurse returned with a plate of soup and a bottle of water.

„Eat something, drink and try to sleep okay? I'll check back on you later." instructed the doctor and left them alone.

Wait a sec! I thought Cole would need to keep awake so as to not go into shock from his ordeal. Is he past that point?

„I'm flattered to be here with two handsome young men like you are." said the nurse who seemed to be trying to cheer them up.

Awww, gee, you didn't need to-Oh, wait, she's not referring to me. Picky bitch.

Jack did her the favor to smile a little but Cole's mimic remained frozen.

Looks like his facial programming's on the fritz.

„Here you go." she placed the tray with the food on his belly. The soup smelled delicious and Jack could hear another growl of his stomach.

„Would it be possible that I could get some of that as well? Didn't eat much today."

And so now you think you're entitled to a free lunch from the hospital? Give some blood first.

She flashed a big smile at him. „Of course NOT! But I fear you have to pay for it as you're not a patient here."

That's fine with me Shit."

Cole slowly ate the soup although he didn't feel much appetite. He knew that his body needed the food and the soup in fact tasted very good. It was prepared with fresh vegetables and potatoes.

So, just plain vegetable soup? I ordered clam chowder!

Kelso was sitting next to him bolting down a bowl of soup himself very quickly. Cole still felt very weak and couldn't stop thinking about how he should tell the city and all the people he knew that he wasn't dead.

Come on, Cole, it's L.A. we're talking about here! How many people out there do you think give two shits about you? Considering they think you're dead and all, I think all that scandal stuff has blown over nicely.

The clinking of the spoon on the bottom of the bowl told Cole that Jack was finished with his soup. He stood up and placed the empty dishes on the side-table.

Wow. Because that was so important to the plot...

Then he cleared his throat and spoke: „I'm gonna leave now Cole. I promise I won't tell anyone about you until you recovered and sorted things out okay? I may come and check on you again if I got the time...but my job as a 'peenus investigator' is quite time-consuming."

He reached out for his jacket and hat. „Thanks for everything, Jack." said Cole frankly.

Jack just nodded and headed out of the room.

Well, at least Jack seems the most “in-character”.

Cole finished his soup and drank the whole bottle of water. He felt the throbbing pain in his head wound.

„Do you need anything, Detective?" the nurse had entered the room again.

„Yes, good advice MORPHINE!..." came to his mind.

„Maybe you want some painkillers? I won't be here for the night, so that's your last chance to ask before Max Payne comes in here for his pick-up."

„You got something that could help me sleep? I've got a lot on my mind currently."

Oh boy! Someone grab a giant wooden mallet and get ready with a loud “bonk” noise!

She shot him an understanding a sour look.

„Of course, I understand. I'll get you something. Do you think you could manage taking a bath before the night? Your body might be highly infectious because of the dirt and bacteria with which you were in contact. And I'm sure as hell not getting out the sponge!"

Cole looked at the former light gray sleeve of his jacket and could only imagine how disgusting he had to look.

„I guess that would be a good idea...”

”Fine, I'll get everything ready."

Please tell me we skip it.

He woke up sometime the next day without knowing what time it was – again.


The sleeping pills had given him a deep and dreamless sleep and he was thankful for that.

Considering the nightmare fuel he's experienced, I guess that's for the best.

Cole felt much better in the clean pajamas the clinic had provided for him and the bath the last evening had been one of the best things he'd experienced for a long time. He could feel his strength slowly return and sat up only to hit his head on a low, overhanging light.

„Well good day, Detective."

He looked up and saw the friendly nurse standing in the doorway. Had she observed him from that spot ALL night? She came towards his bed giving him a warm smile.

„You're looking much better today. How are you feeling?"

„Better, but quite hungry. Say, you wanna hang out sometime?"

„I guess that's a good sign. I'll bring you something...I fear the breakfast is out but there might be something left of lunch."

Cole raised his eyebrows. „What time is it?"

Time to ROCK?

„Around 3:40 pm...you slept for almost 16 hours." apparently she noticed his slightly shocked face.

„But don't you worry, sleep is the best medicine." she winked at him.

No, no, NO! The phrase is “laughter is the best medicine”! Get it right, or pay the price!

„The doctor will come to check up on you in a few minutes. [color="#FF8C00"]It's time for a prostate exam.

He ate something and after that the doctor made a full examination of his body, including a cavity search.

„Your left ankle is slightly swollen...but the bone is intact. You should try to put as few weight as possible on it. Does it hurt when I do THIS!?!?"

He proceeded to twist his foot around violently. Cole flinched slightly as the sharp pain raced up his leg.

„Only if you do this...I'll try to walk." he asked himself why he hadn't noticed that injury the evening before but maybe he'd simply been too tired.

Yeah, fatigue helps me forget minor pains all the time.

He carefully stood up. The doctor was right, if he shifted most of his weight to the other foot then he could take some steps.

Hey, Doc, ever heard of crutches? I think they work wonders!

„Alright. I think I better leave today." Cole had come to the conclusion that waiting didn't make his situation any better. But there was another problem.

He didn't know how he'd pay for his medical bills? Yeah, that's the thing about socialized medicine. No one wants it until they actually need it.

Nurse Monica and he had both decided the evening before that his suit couldn't be saved.


It was beyond dirty and the fabric was really torn up.

Time of death...8:15...

Getting it fixed would be as expensive as buying an all new one.

„Do you have some proper clothes you could lend me?" he asked the doctor as he slowly walked across the room.

Come on, Cole! Time to show the world you're “back from the dead”! Try to get something that says, “Hey, assholes! Look at me!”

He suddenly realized that he didn't even have money to pay the clinic for his treatment. And he'd seen the rest of his clothes the last time at Elsa's apartment (on the floor). But had she kept them after his death?

She probably smells them each night, Cole.

Was his bank account still existent? Most likely it belonged to his wife now.

And we can all guess how long that lasted, right? Dammit, LAUGH, there's not much of any value in the story as it is!

„I'll give it back to you as soon as I find my own clothes and then I'll also be able to come up with the money for you...but first I need to go and sort things out...I hope you understand."

The doctors mimic remained serious. „Your case is very extraordinary...if I have your word that you'll pay the clinic then it's fine with me You must be out of your mind!."

„I'm am honest man, doctor, or at least I try to be. You have my word."

The way you “honestly” cheated on your wife, Cole?

So Cole finally makes his way out into the world again. Any guesses about what's gonna happen next? ;-)

Awkward reunions with other characters? Yeah, that's what my money's on.

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Post #6

Mocking Apprentice

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post Dec 1 2012, 07:19 PM
Hey everyone, thanks for your continued support :-) It's really cool to see that there are still so many people interested in LA Noire and it's characters. Please keep on reviewing and enjoying this story.

Just because people are interested in LA Noire does NOT mean that they like your fix-fic! Yo, author? How about some chapter heading?

Chapter 5: He Who Faffs Last Faffs Hardest

Only 10 minutes later he was on his way out of the clinic. Nurse Monica had lent him some coins for a taxi. But where should he go first?

Well, given the time period, I would say the bar.

He couldn't stand a meeting with one of the two important women in his life yet and that's why he decided to visit his former partner first. Biggs was and old and wise man and Cole somehow trusted him, maybe he could help him figuring out what to do. Cole wasn't sure if Biggs would be at the office at this time of the day but he decided to give it a shot.

Awww, come on! Biggs? Sure he was OK, but when I think of a partner who would have all the answers, I'd go with Rusty! He'd be great!

The strong sunbeams warmed his face as he stepped out of the taxi. The trousers the doctor had given him were too big for him and Cole tripped and almost fell as his left shoe got caught in the fabric. He managed to regain his balance but hurt his injured ankle in the process.

Better try hopping.

He oppressed the swear words forming on his lips and started walking slowly towards Wilshire station. He noticed some pedestrians staring at him curiously but he couldn't be sure whether they did because they recognized him or just because of his pitiful sight.

Check your fly, Cole. I think that's what's stealing all the attention.

He made his way into the building and towards the reception desk. He knew the man sitting behind it and remembered leaving him messages for Bekowsky and Rusty during a case. The receptionist was reading something and looked very absorbed into whatever was lying in front of him.

The newest addition of “Playboy”?

Cole cleared his throat to drag the man's attention to him.

„One moment, sir...whoa! I love Miss July!" said the man absent-minded without looking up.

„I'd like to talk to Herschel Biggs." he really tried to put authority in his voice like he used to while working cases or during his military service but noticed that he still sounded hoarse and weak. He just hadn't used it enough the last days.

Um, Cole? Ever tried introducing yourself?

The man held up his pointer-finger still without looking up, signaling Cole to wait.

Wow. This guy is a DICK!

„It's important!" he added.

„Sir, you're certainly not the only person coming here with an important matter and -" began the receptionist sounding annoyed and finally looked up from his magazine. His eyes met Cole's and then all color seemed to drain from his face.

"Wha...wha...WUB-WUB-WUB?" stammered the guy still staring at him wide-eyed, on the verge of passing out.

Cole sighed. "You're not crazy...it's me Cole Phelps. Could you just tell me where I can find Biggs?"

"Ah! BACK FROM THE DEAD! I mean...of course...he's upstairs filling in some paperwork."


Cole hobbled along the familiar corridor. The office was not very crowded on this late afternoon but still he walked past some employes. Most of them didn't bother looking at him but some stood still or stopped whatever work they were doing to stare at him.

See Cole? In L.A., your fame doesn't last long.

Cole felt like some kind of renegade and wanted to escape the corridor as fast as possible. He reached the stairs and it took him quite long to ascend them without putting too much weight on his left foot. Cole noticed that he was panting and sweating from the effort and accepted that he still needed some time to get back to his former fitness.

He needs to get back in the game! YEAH! WHO'S READY TO BE A CHAMPION!?!? Just call Max Dynamite!

He found his partner's office and knocked on the door.

"Come in!" answered Biggs' friendly voice.

Friendly? Biggs was always more on the serious side, author!

Cole took a deep breath and stepped in. Biggs was standing in front of one of the bookshelves searching for something. He turned around to look at him pinching his eyes together a little. Then his eyes grew wide.

"Good lord!" he exclaimed and grabbed the edge of his desk shaking a little. "It's finally happening...I start seeing ghosts! Aw shit, there goes my heart..."

Cole grinned a little at the sight of his partner's completely horrified face.

"I'm not a ghost Herschel, I'm a spectral projection from beyond the mortal coil. Or have you ever seen a ghost with a gash on it's head and wearing too big clothes?"

Well, maybe you're a hit at the ghost comedy club?

Herschel slowly shook his head and kept staring at him. "I... I found a way out of the tunnels only yesterday. I need to talk to you. I need help."

Just like how this author needs some with this fic.

"How is that even possible? Let me take a good look at you..." muttered Biggs and came to him until he was standing only a few inches away from him.

"It's really you...I can't believe it. I thought we were done!"

Then suddenly Cole found himself wrapped in a warm and very tense hug. "I thought I'd never see you again, son..." he finally let go of him his eyes shining with tears. Cole was quite surprised about the strong emotions – he never thought that Biggs even liked him much.

Yeah, it seems Biggs is a but OOC at the moment. Probably because he's in a STUPID fix-fic!

"But you've got some explaining to do...please have a seat...you look exhausted."

I didn't take Cole much more than five minutes to explain everything that happened. When he finished Biggs sat in front of him in silence.

Biggs' thoughts, “That's the stupidest story I've ever heard.

"I could use some advice about what to do next..."

"I see...I'll be finished here shortly and then I could drive over to Cental station and tell the chief about that matter...they should know first and can deal with the media after that, I guess you're aware that this story will drag some attention of the public."

Really? Because no one seemed to care on his way here! There's nothing to keep from the public because the public doesn't give a flying fuck!

"Yeah..." Cole stared at his hands. He'd feared that and the last thing he wanted were reporters camping in front of every place he visited.

Which is why he started hanging out at the “No Commies Here-Club”.

"We have a new police chief by the way...that affair with Elysian fields is still all over the news and most of the wire drawers are gonna be put to justice.”

They all got a one-way trip, to the CUBES!

“I guess the new guy is alright his name's Brian Mason. I'll go talk to him but for now that's all I can do."

"I know that and think that's already a great help for me. I don't quite know how they'd react if I showed up there myself today." Cole rubbed his itching eyes.

Well, Biggs took it awfully well. What's there to be scared about?

"And I'm honestly not sure if I could handle it." Biggs nodded. "Yeah I wonder that you even made it here today. Damn it you were down there for four days and came out only yesterday you should be resting."

"You're right...but I just couldn't stay in the hospital without doing anything. It would have been too boring for the players."

"What are you gonna do next?" asked Biggs while taking two glasses and a bottle of Bourbon from a drawer of his desk. Cole watched as he poured the golden liquid in both glasses.

Watch as Biggs downs both of them just to spite Cole.

"Uhm...I need to tell my wife and Elsa. But I'll have to see Elsa first because all my clothes are at her place...I hope." He didn't tell Biggs that he secretely found it easier to visit Elsa first.

Because he'd get some great “just-out-of-the-hospital sex”?

She would understand like she always did and she'd be able to give him what he needed most at the moment: comfort and the warmth of a human touch.

Called it!

Someone lying next to him.

I fucking called it!

Biggs nodded again and pushed one of the filled glasses over to his side of the desk.

"Drink that son, you look like you need it. This stuff helped me go over-the-top back in the war." Cole accepted the glass and emptied it without another word.

"I will drive you to her place. Can't let you wander down the streets on your own today."

"Thanks Herschel." said Cole and felt relief as the warmth of the bourbon came rushing through his body.

"Just let me finish this case report here and we'll be on our way."

Yeah, I'm simply riveted with this story...

Aw, who am I kidding? This sucks!

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Post #7

Mocking Apprentice

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post Dec 4 2012, 02:33 PM
Author's Notes: Here you go with another smaller chapter. I really tried to work out Cole's and Elsa's relationship in this one and the following and really hope you like the way it turned out. Please tell me what you're thinking :-)

What I am thinking is that you're practically pulling this “relationship” out of your ass and hoping that it seems at least plausible. In-game, we didn't ever see this relationship between Cole and Elsa. Hell, we only saw Cole's wife 3 times in the WHOLE thing! For all we know, Elsa treated Cole like shit when the lights went out and Cole loved it! But I guess that kind of mystery and filling-in-the-blanks stuff really doesn't apply to fanfic writers, does it?

By the way: I'm just about to finish a second LA Noire fanfic called "The black widow", it's a classic case-fic although it takes place just after this story. I'm gonna post the first chapter when I'm finished with this story and really hope that you'll read that one as well.

You WHAT?!?! Do I sense that once this piece of shit is mocked I have another one waiting for me? If so, then that one will be mocked too either by me or someone else!

Chapter 6: Left in the Lurch

Because the author leaves it up to me to name these fucking chapters!

Elsa entered her apartment and had to close the door using her right foot because her hands were occupied with carrying bags full of groceries.

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo! Has Cole's death made her spiteful about every aspect of her life? Talk about a first-world problem! Europe's a smoldering wreck, Japan has just discovered radioactivity cleanup, and Elsa's getting mad about closing a door with her foot? If this is a prelude to a psychotic rampage, it had better happen fast.

She hated that kind of shopping and was glad that she'd gotten over it with.

She hates buying food too? Who here doesn't like buying food? OK, sure, people at the grocery store can be a nuisance, but what about the actual act of obtaining food? Has Elsa's turned into a whiny bitch all of a sudden?

Elsa placed the bags in the kitchen and started to empty the contents into the fridge and cupboards. The sun was already beginning to set outside and Elsa was happy that she didn't have to work this evening. She'd just cook a little meal for herself (which she secretly hated too) and spend the rest of the evening reading, smoking and listening to the radio while continuing to lament over doing all three.

She was just about put some milk and juice into the fridge when suddenly someone knocked on her door.

It seemed like Morse Code for “ready for the 'Pasadena Mudslide'?”

She immediately felt suspicious. Who would come to visit her at this time of day? She barely had any visitors at all on account of her newly-acquired hate for everything and everyone, but sometimes men used to follow her back home from The Blue Room.

Hold on a sec! So you mean to tell me that Cole wasn't the first guy to follow her home? Does she let guys in ALL the time?

These men normally had bad intentions and Elsa was fully aware of the attractable effect she had on them.

Yet she let Cole in fairly quickly and was even quicker to “spread 'em” for him! Seems a bit OOC to me.

She quickly walked towards one of the cabinets in the living room area to pull out her small revolver she kept there for protection (though she never seemed to have it when Cole came over). It knocked on the door again – sounding urgent and impatient this time. Elsa hid the weapon behind her back as she approached the door and leaned forward to look trough the peephole.
All she could make out was a flash of skin, the other person seemed to be standing very close to the door.

So there's a flasher outside just flashing the door? You need better timing than that, man!

"Who is this?" she asked feeling her heart pound.

"Elsa, it's me, please let me in! I've got the itch!"


The name came out her mouth before she could even think about it. She could feel the cold metal of the revolver slipping out of her hand. It dropped to the floor with a loud shatter.

The gun had gone off, hitting her in the leg! OK, not really...

She opened the door and there he was. Cole Phelps just stood there leaning against the door-frame and looking up to her with a strange look of uncertainty in his eyes.

His fly was already halfway down.

Elsa didn't know what to say unsure if she could trust her eyes. Cole also seemed uncertain about his next move.

"I...come in..." she finally broke the awkward silence. He followed her in slightly limping.

What? No “I thought you were dead!” or “Can we speed this up? I got three guys waiting on me.”?

"Elsa...I don't know what to say...I didn't die in these tunnels..."

"Apparently..." she responded and slowly accepted the fact that her lover was alive.

It seems she's suspicious that she's somehow in a poorly conceived fanfic! The plot thickens.

She pulled him towards her and hugged him closely. She needed some physical proof to actually belief what was happening. He also embraced her, holding her tight as though he never wanted to let her go again. Cole smelled different.

Like hospital food and some other guy's clothing?

There was a scent of shampoo and shaving foam she didn't know and was that blood? She pushed him a bit away to observe him closely. There was a huge cut between his left eyebrow and the hairline, not to mention all those internal injuries from the wall of water. He looked very tired but managed a little smile.

"What happened to you?" she asked trying to keep her voice calm.

First legit question I've heard in a long time!

She gently pushed him towards the red couch and they sat down. Cole started talking with a neutral voice. Elsa couldn't believe that he was trapped in the canalisation for almost five days and still made it out of there alive.

And the author STILL can't decide on how long he was down there!

When he mentioned that Jack Kelso had come to take him to a hospital she felt a huge wave of gratitude towards the investigator. She should contact him again someday.

Sure, because you two parted on such great terms back when you were yelling at him during Cole's funeral.

Cole explained that he'd met his partner Herschel Biggs, Elsa remembered him from the funeral.

"He'll tell the others at the LAPD and I have to see what will happen after that. I came here 'cause I need some clothes...on your floor...these clothes actually"

He picked on the pair of trousers and shirt which both looked too big for his lean body.

"Do you still keep them here?"

"Of course...I smell th-I mean...your suitcase is just where you left it..."

The truth was that she didn't have the heart to throw his stuff away although she'd kept reminding herself that keeping Cole's clothes wouldn't keep him alive.

Unable to let go, just like this author, apparently.

Cole looked relieved. "Thank you."

Then he sighed and buried his head in his scuffed hands. Elsa had pity on him and gently placed her hand on his thigh.

"What's bothering you, Cole?"

Has he finally realized that he's been brought back to life just to be part of some fan's fantasy?

"It's just...I don't know how to get on with my life...I mean...I probably lost my job and Marie wants the divorce." he stammered without looking up.

Really? The great Cole Phelps is stumped? Come on! Why would he NOT be able to get his old job back, anyway? Some top officials replaced the corrupt ones, so in a way, they have Cole to thank! He could just pick up where he left off! Not many would get that kind of a chance! THINK, Cole!

"Have you visited your family yet?" she wanted to know although she already knew the answer.

"No...I don't know what to say to them...it's difficult."

That's an understatement. Knowing Cole's luck, she'd probably think it was all an elaborate hoax to marry Elsa!

"You still love her, don't you?" she determined. "

He finally looked up to her looking guilty. "But I love you too, Elsa." he admitted.

Cole's a square in a love-triangle.

Elsa could feel a shiver running down her spine. He loved her? They'd been having an affair for quite some time and they both enjoyed their meetings. But it had mostly been about sex and neither of them mentioned any deeper feelings until now. She tried to listen to her own heart, it seemed it had stopped beating at the moment. What was this man to her?

The meat for her taco? The hot-dog for her bun? It's not that difficult to figure out!

She decided that she couldn't make up her mind about that just now and awkwardly attempted to change the topic.

No doubt she has many questions that she'll demand answers for.

"Will you stay here for the night?"

Or not...

"If that's okay for you..."

Note to readers: The author doesn't separate dialogue lines in the story. I have to do that for them. If I don't, it'll seem like the characters are just standing around talking to themselves.

"Of course, you look very tired. I'll prepare dinner “Das Uber-Rack” for us...just try to relax okay?"

Not much going on in this one, and trust me, there's still a whole lot of nothing in the next chapter too. I wouldn't be surprised if you just skip over it!

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Post #8

Mocking Apprentice

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post Dec 5 2012, 04:15 PM
Chapter 7: Chock-a-Block (due to yet another missing chapter title)

She made some simple macaroni with cheese because she didn't bring up the patience for cutting the fresh vegetables she'd just bought.

Well excuuuuuuuuuuse me! What about all those nice vitamins and minerals you're supposed to eat every single day in order to maintain your health? Sleep through that part of grade school? Fine! Eat your generic Pre-War mac and cheese! I'll just be here with my fresh potatoes!

They ate in silence and Cole bolted down so much of the noodles that it appeared as if he'd half starved. He helped her with cleaning the dishes after that, by licking them clean, and a little while later they found themselves sitting on the couch together again.

This can go one of only two ways, folks.

Elsa thought about seducing him 'cause she'd missed his touch and the wild creature living inside of him that only showed when they had sex. Maybe it was their past that attracted them to each other.

OK, now that sounded a bit weird. Does Cole say something like, “Your ass is Hiroshima, and my dick is the “Little Boy” bomb...big-big version!”?

They'd both experienced the most horrible things, Cole during his service in the Marine corps and Elsa under the nazi-regime back in Germany.

Wait a sec, didn't she flee Germany in-game?

They both had to oppress all these memories, the anger and frustration to adjust to normal life again but oppressed feelings didn't vanish. They were still somewhere deep inside of them and that was the one thing they had in common.

So all that mentally-scarring shit makes them want to fuck like rabbits on Easter?

Maybe Cole had come to her because he couldn't share these feelings with his wife. War changed people and their relationships.

But war...war never changes.

She shot Cole a look and found him staring back at her like a clueless puppy wondering what the hell you're even doing with your life. He looked helpless in a way and she decided not to seduce him. Not yet, not this evening.

Yes, really considerate of you. Is she going to make him work for it for a change?

Instead she moved closer to him and leaned her head against his shoulder because she could feel that he needed the touch. He wrapped one arm around her, pulling her close to his body. They remained in that position without saying much, just enjoying the company of each other.

Well, shit! That means I have so much less to joke about!

"We should go to sleep..." decided Elsa around 11 pm.

Let me guess, she hates sleeping too? Francis would be proud...I think.

"You're right...I can take the couch again."

Yep, we've all been there, Cole.

"I guess the bed is big enough for the both of us." she could feel Cole raising his brows without really seeing it.

His in-game face is so awesomely rendered, his eyebrow movement is audible!

He was surprised of her offer because every time they'd met at her apartment she'd wanted him to sleep on the couch. He'd only been allowed to share the bed with her as long as they were having sex.

Wait, what? Is that how the author thinks Cole got treated in-game? Damn, that sucks! Think about it. You rock some lady's world and the first thing she says when you're all done is, “Now go sleep on the couch.”? I'm not sure why Cole went after her like that! Did he miss someone giving him orders? He's a detective! People tell him what to do all the time.

She couldn't really tell why she'd wanted it that way but she'd learned all long time ago to not let men come too near her. And not to fall for them too easily so she'd kept them at distance for almost her whole life.

Is that why Roy Earle hates her guts to much or is it because he's just like that?

Cole had always accepted it in contrast to most men she'd met before but on this evening she wanted to have him close all night. Maybe because she wanted to look after him but she couldn't really tell.

Wait a sec, so even Elsa didn't know why she wants Cole to stay?

"Okay..." said Cole without further commenting on that matter and followed her into her bedroom. His suitcase stood in front of her own cabinet. He picked one of his pajamas out and changed, Elsa did the same.

Oh man, if Cole has polka-dot PJ's I will laugh SO hard!

Just minutes later they were lying in bed side by side in yet another awkward silence.

"Relax now, Cole and have a good night...you need the rest..." muttered Elsa who already started to feel sleepy.

And now she's blue-ballin' him.

"Can't stop thinking about sex...and my whole body's aching. Dammit, I can't stop thinking with my dick." he complained.

Cole was lying on his side, his back turned towards her.

Um...is he doing what I think he's doing?

Elsa immediately understood that he was haunted at the moment. She'd had enough of nights like these herself.

"I'll try to help you out with that." she moved closer to him and started to massage his back.

Wrong side, Elsa. Cole needs his barrel polished.

It felt like a piece of wood, all stiff and tense.

Well, she found it. Now what's she going to do with it?

She forcefully pushed her fingers and palms into some zones on his back.


She'd learned these techniques back in her childhood.

Wait, WHAT?!?!

Her father used to have problems with his back and since her mother was no longer around, his doctor had shown her the techniques with which she could help her father.

Oh, OK, that could have been much worse.

Cole grunted in content.

"Try to switch off your head for now...it sounds ridiculously I know but it works sometimes. Think of all the good things you can still see and experience since you survived that accident.”

Right now, he's probably looking at your wall, Elsa. That or the canal walls, dead fish? People making freaked-out faces at him?

“The ocean, flowers in summer, bright sunsets. The sound of birds, waves, the rustling of leaves in the wind." these were the images that usually helped Elsa to find a temporary peace of mind.

Whenever I want to ease my mind, I go for different stuff. Skyrim comes to mind, for one.

She remained silent for some time to give him the opportunity to create these images for himself.

He's probably thinking of much different things, Elsa.

"Now concentrate on your breathing." Elsa reached out for his hand and put it on her own chest.

He turned around at that movement and looked her in the eyes. God, he looked so tired. But not only physically. Cole looked tired of life.

Tired of life? Oh no! Does this mean he'll start going emo? Not Cole! He's too cool for the emo life!

She kept his hand on the chest and took some deep and slow breaths.

"You see? Do the same and only concentrate on breathing. Try not to think of anything else."

"Where'd you learn that?" he asked, with his natural curiosity showing.

"Shhht! Don't speak You don't want to know!" she gently put her finger on his lips and then moved her hand under the blanket and on his chest.

"Close your eyes and breath." Elsa didn't want to talk about her past.

Close your eyes AND breath? That means he'll suffocate! Now she's trying to kill him!

This was the unspoken conduct between the two of them: Don't ask the other one about his past. Under no circumstances.

Did they sign the “unspoken Rules and Conditions”?

Cole's eyes shut and she could feel his chest raising and falling under her hand. The motion became slower with every passing minute.

"Cole?" she whispered softly after about five minutes had passed. She got no response.

I was right? She did kill him?

He'd finally fallen asleep. With a little smile on her lips she turned on her side bringing some distance between the two of them again.

Or he just fell asleep without breathing...

She woke several times that night. First Elsa thought that it was simply because she wasn't used to another person in her bed but then she realized that Cole was having nightmares.

He kept saying, “I don't want the fucking Klondike bar!”

His body was constantly moving around, one moment he was laying on his back the next turning on his side again, then mimicking a running form. She sat up a bit and pulled the blanket back to her side of the bed. Did he always have these dreams?

Fighting over the bed sheets, and so it begins...

She used to have her share of nightmares as well but they only haunted her a few nights a month.

Guess the happy juice was what she needed for some peaceful shut-eye.

Elsa considered waking him but then he'd possibly not be able to fall asleep again. So she just tried to prevent him from falling out of the bed and gently stroked his hair. His tensed face seemed to relax a bit at her touch. Was it always like that? And if that was the case: How'd his wife use to handle it?

I could make worse jokes here, but I think I'll scale it back a bit this time. She probably just grabbed his junk and whispered, “Remember.”

Elsa reached out for the cigarettes she always kept on the side-table. She lit one and inhaled the smoke. Smoking always made it easier for her to think and she had to clear up her mind before being able to sleep again.

Yep, in true 1947 nature, too. Smoking everywhere, oblivious to the consequences to you or others!

What feelings did she have for the man lying next to her?

Well, you should have figured that out before inviting him back into your bed! For all we know, he'll start choking you while he's still asleep calling you some Japanese racial slur!

She recalled the events of the last weeks. Cole had saved her after Lue's death. Lue had been the only person she really trusted and considered a friend.

Too bad we never saw him.

The time they'd spent together on Ellis Island together after escaping the Nazis had created a strong bond between them. The day she'd received the notification of his death her whole world seemed to collapse above her.

I think you mean “around” her!

She would have been all alone with her grief and who knows what would have happened, if Cole hadn't been there for her. They needed each other. It was as simple as that.

If Cole hadn't been there, I'm sure she'd just be addicted to morphine like all the other people in the city at that time.

She stretched her legs stiffling a yawn. Her left hand was still resting on Cole's soft brown hair. The nightmare seemed to be over and he looked peaceful, more peaceful than she'd ever seen him before.

Well, DUH! The only others times you've seen him have been while he was interrogating you or fucking you!

Elsa finished her cigarette and moved closer to him until she could hear his soft breathing and feel it trickling on her skin. And as sleep took over, one thought settled in her mind. She truly loved Cole Phelps.

Well, another chapter done. We're actually getting close to the end now!

Author's Notes: Hey guys, I need your help ;-) I figured that I can't really continue with my other LA Noire stories without having any details on Cole's daughters. Maybe you could help me to come up with possible names and age? I guess they can't be older than 10 years 'cause Cole's only 27 himself. So, if you're reading this please leave a suggestion in the review section :-)

Here's my suggestion: Just quit writing before enough Noise fans notice this.

And I'm also missing some feedback of you...would be great to hear some again

Maybe because your story is so obviously a butthurt fix-fic that people just don't care! I sure wouldn't, but I'm the one mocking this so it's the jokes that I have to give a shit about!

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Post #9

Mocking Apprentice

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post Dec 7 2012, 04:03 PM
Alrighty, kids! Time to continue the L.A. Noire mock! Who's ready? No one? TOO FUCKING BAD! I'm starting anyway!

Chapter 8: Does it even matter what I name these things?

It was still early in the morning when Cole woke up. He felt fully recovered and could sense something like optimism for the first time since the incident in the canalisation. He'd get everything right this day.

Trust me, I feel that way sometimes right before I wake up. Then a little past breakfast I realize that I'm going to be just as productive today as I was yesterday. And that's not saying much. Damn early morning optimism!

He was about to get up when he realized that Elsa was almost lying on him. Her head was resting close to his neck and one of her arms was wrapped around his upper body. She was sound asleep but starting to gnaw on him for some reason and Cole thought that her face looked like the one of an innocent little girl.

Hold it! If Elsa is behind him, how can he see her face? Does he have rear-view mirrors on his head now?

He didn't want to wake her and carefully moved away from under her arm.

He had to GTFO before he screwed this whole thing up!

She shifted a bit but didn't wake up. Cole made his way to the bathroom to take a shower. He smiled when he saw that she'd kept his shampoo, shower- and shaving foam. Even tooth-brush and comb were just where he'd left them. Was it possible that Elsa had sensed he was still alive?

No. It's more likely to assume she was trying to keep his memory alive and was developing an unusual attachment to his stuff.

About ten minutes later he looked more like himself again. He had put on his dark blue suit with the matching hat.

Oh, come on! There are better suits than that one!

Standing in the bedroom he checked his reflection in the huge mirror. His face still looked a bit haggard and the dark circles under his eyes hadn't vanished yet but the ugly wound on his forehead was almost fully covered by the hat brim and all in all he thought that he looked normal again. He searched his suitcase and found his second purse. The money in it was enough to pay his hospital bill.

Hold it! Cole has a “purse”? When did he ever have that? Is it like a “satchel” or something? Why not just let it be his wallet? Did guys not have wallets back then? Or at least in-game, for that matter? Because in-game there WERE wallets!

Cole decided to go there first because he hated being in debt with someone. Some simple slides of bread with peanut butter were his breakfast. After that he scribbled down a short note for Elsa and left the apartment.


During the drive in the taxi he got the impression that the driver was observing him in the mirror but maybe he was only starting to feel paranoid. The driver didn't say anything though and he soon arrived back at the clinic.

"Detective, nice to see you again." Nurse Monica smiled at him and this time he managed to return it.

"How are you feeling today? Did ya get mah mon-eh?"

"Very well, thank you. I'm just here to return the doctor's clothes (unclean, of course) and to pay for my stay here."

"You can hand everything to me, just let me get the latex gloves and hazmat suit. By the way: have you read today's newspaper yet?"

"No...did the Cubs lose again?" responded Cole slowly anticipating what was about to come next.

"Well then I can tell you that you made it on the front page." she chuckled a bit.

Really? Who let the cat out of the bag? Well, it might be a bit easier for Cole to get his job back now.

"Everyone's really impressed by how you survived all the time in these tunnels. They're looking for you for an interview. They wanna know how you made it."

Let me guess, the press said Cole survived for 2 months eating sewer rats?

"Well if I only knew..."

She bent down behind the counter and put a newspaper on the desk in front of him. "Have a look if you like."

Cole took the paper and unfolded it "Detective resurrected from death, no cults claim responsibility" was the attention-grabbing headline printed in big capital letters. A picture of him was underneath it.

Was it one of him with a beer bong at the Detective's Xmas Party?

He quickly skimmed through the text which shortly summed up his involvement in the sixth marine corps and then mentioned his fast ascent in service of the LAPD. Unfortunately the article also mentioned his infidelity towards his wife and the affair with Elsa.

With pics?

Then it concentrated on the events in the canalisation and everything that had happened after.

But NO ONE saw any of that! How did the press get this? Did they have reporters hanging out in the sewers?

Sighing he put the paper back on the counter. He knew that reporters and the media were fast but he hadn't thought that they'd get a hold of this story that fast.

See? Even Cole can't believe it!

He just hoped that Marie hadn't seen any newspaper this morning because it would be terrible for her to find out about him through the media. He didn't want to do that to her.

Well, unless she can't read, I'm pretty sure she'll see it.

Cole quickly paid and returned the clothing. Then he made and appointment for the removal of his sutures.

He was just about to leave when the receptionist's phone rang. She quickly answered the call and then handed the receiver to him looking puzzled. "It's for you..."

Cole accepted the call asking himself how in the world they knew that he was at the hospital. Except if it was Elsa calling.

"Phelps?" a very familiar female voice answered.

"Detective, I have a message for you from the police chief."

Hey! It's the R&I lady!

"Ok, what is it?"

"He wants you to come to Hollywood station immediately."

Did he get the lead in that new movie? Oh wait...

"Did he say what he wants from me?"

"No, I'm sorry, sir. But it's very important and he wants you to come as soon as you get this message."

"I'm on my way, thanks."

"Something bad?" asked Monica with concern showing on her face as she handed her the receiver back.

"I'm not quite sure yet...I have to go, see you in a while."

Man, this was a hassle to break up! Can't the author do that as to not confuse any of us reading this tripe?

It was a drive of around 45 minutes to the station and Cole finally ran out of money.

Hey, Cole? If you still have your badge you do know you can commandeer civilian vehicles as a “police emergency”?

Maybe someone at the station could tell him what had happened to his car.

My guess is it's a cube in some junkyard by now.

But what did they want from him anyway? Maybe fire him officially? They could have just sent him a letter and then the chief wouldn't insist on seeing him immediately. Or did he have to face something worse than a dismissal? Maybe they kept the reporters horded in the office to finally trap him there for interviews. He just couldn't tell and that drove him almost crazy on the way to his former workplace.

I know it's supposed to be suspenseful, but seriously, how did the media get this story to begin with? Did Kelso tell everybody? Sounds like something only Earle would do. Whatever, we're almost done!

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Post #10

Mocking Apprentice

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post Dec 8 2012, 02:02 PM
Attention, readers! This is the last chapter of this fic and then it'll be mocked once and for all. Prepare yourselves for the vast amounts of “suck-i-tude”.

Chapter 9: Let's get this shit over with!

When he finally entered the building he found every living thing in it staring him down. He quickly nodded towards the few people he knew personally, pushed the brim of his hat deeper down his face and over his eyes, causing him to stumble around like a doofus, and made his way towards the chief's office which he remembered to be on the first floor.

The first floor? Who designed this building? Chief's office is supposed to be on the top floor! That way it's cooler when you come crashing through the window when summoned back to HQ.

He knocked on the door and was told to step in.

"You wanted to see me, sir?"

Cole was surprised to see a quite young man sitting behind the chief's desk.

Something tells me it's not Commissioner Gordon.

The blonde man seemed to be only a few years older than Cole himself.

"Ah Detective Phelps. Nice to finally meet you. I already heard a lot of stories about you though. I have only one question...is she a demon in the sack?"

Mason had stood up and came to shake hands with him. Cole still wasn't sure about what to expect. The chief didn't look angry or annoyed he even smiled at him.

Well, maybe since you're the reason he got promoted to Commissioner, I'd say he has reason to be happy.

"Well I fear I don't know much about you, though."

The remarkable baby-blue eyes of the man continued to observe him with curiosity.

OK, does the author have the hots for this dude? The way they're writing him makes it a bit creepy.

"I'm Brian Mason, the new chief in charge here, with a small coke addiction. Thanks to you I guess."

Ah, that was why this guy acted so friendly towards him, Cole's work had gotten him a promotion.

I just said that!

"I'm new in town, just moved in from San Francisco. I heard your family is from there as well? Please, have a seat."

He's not giving Cole much time to answer.

They sat down with the desk between them.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I still have no idea why you wanted me to get here." said Cole and couldn't fully oppress the tone of impatience in his voice. He finally wanted to visit his family and not waste any time at the station.

Oh really? Now he wants to go home? Could have done that how many chapters ago but didn't?

"Well at first I want to congratulate you for the excellent police work you did with the Elysian Fields case. And of course that you survived this terrible accident in the tunnels down there which the press magically got their hands on, somehow."

"Thank you...I guess..." said Cole cautiously knowing that this couldn't be all.

"I was told everything about this thing you had with this German singer or still have?" Mason shot him a questioning look but Cole decided not to respond to him. It was none of his business.

OK, that sentence needs some work, author. Please! Someone get this person a comma!

"Alright I don't even want to talk about this any further, I just want you to know that even though I don't like what you did there to your wife and family, I truly believe that it's important to separate the people's work and private life nowadays."

And what does this have to do with Cole coming “back from the dead”?


"I want to promote you again, detective."

Yeah, I saw that coming. Cole gets the new guy promoted, the new guy gets him his job back.

Cole raised his eyebrows. That was the least thing he'd expected. Mason flashed him a smile.

"You'll be working homicide again. Congratulations. You still have your badge and weapon?"

Wait, that's it? No therapy sessions? He just gets back into the job like nothing ever happened? Does he get the same partner?

"I got the badge here, but I fear I lost my gun during the flooding."

Cole still couldn't believe what he'd just heard. He'd been sure that his police career was over or that he at least would be doing patrol or traffic work again.

"No problem the LAPD will provide a new one for you. I figure you already worked together with detective Bekowsky?"

Yep, he gets his old partner back...

"Yes...but isn't he partnered up with Rusty Galloway?" the smile faded from Mason's face.

"He used to but it turned out that Mr. Galloway has serious problems with alcohol. He's suspended for now until we get his doctor's statement about how severe his addiction is."

Oh, fuck you, author! Rusty's alcoholism is what made him such a cool guy! Besides, it was the late 1940's! There was plenty to drink about and people did it A LOT! People would go to lunch, come back with an almost-illegal BA level and finish their day at work! You can't just sideline Rusty like that, author! His vice's made him who he was and you can never take that away!

Cole nodded slowly. Rusty used to have a drink every once in a while even when they were investigating. He had tried to talk his partner into at least not drinking on the job but he hadn't even listened to him.

Well, DUH! But think about all of those funny antics you two got into! It was glorious!

Cole had decided to ignore the drinking as long as it didn't affect his work.

"Drinking on the job is a manner I can't accept here."

OK, I officially HATE Mason now. I bet he's the kind of guy who doesn't know how to party.

Mason seemed to be really strict about that and it came to Cole's mind that he maybe had a lot in common with the new chief. That could only be good.

No, it's not good! The office supply of hooch will never be the same again!

"So you can already start today, if you feel up to it..." Mason observed him closely.

"Sure but tell me one thing, chief: Why me and why so fast?"

Because the author's pulling it out of their ass again?

Mason let out a sigh but then smiled again.

"I already heard you were a very clever one. Okay I'm gonna tell you...truth is there is a mysterious new case and I guess the LAPD needs your help. Your closing rate on cases the last months has been amazing and maybe you could bring some light in the dark. But let me brief you together with your new partner."

So that's it? That's FUCKING IT? Cole goes back to the LAPD and gets hired the day after being released from the hospital and somehow thrust back into the media's spotlight? Really? And now we have a new chief who's a fucking purist when it comes to the happy juice? Blasphemy!

Author's Notes: So everyone, that was the last chapter, this story ends here. I have a second one finished, a case fic, which continues exactly where this one ends. So if you would like to read that one as well, tell me. Convince me to upload it ;-)

Now we have a sequel to this shit? Well, folks, looks like I have my next target already picked out before I'm officially finished with this one. Maybe one day I'll get around to it, but for the moment, I might mock something else.

So what do we have here? We have a “happy” ending for a not-dead detective where he somehow survives a deadly accident and then just gets his job back on the following day! What kind of shit is that? Noire films always had at most a bitter-sweet ending, NOTHING like this! This is like L.A. Noire if it was made by Disney! The drunk partner gets his ass suspended, two characters find out they “love” each other, and the “protagonist” survives something that would have easily killed him and then just goes back to his everyday life and it's all sunshine and rainbows. What a load of shit! If I ever mock this alleged “sequel”, I will NOT be looking forward to it. In the meantime, put another notch in the collective pole of mocks for me! See you next time, PAF.

And remember, don't wish for a nuclear winter.

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Post #11


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post Feb 7 2017, 06:43 PM
Я вытащил один палец, нащупал им колечко ануса и надавил. Она одевала легкий халатик, наливала воду и по дороге в их спальню, выбранную местом вливания, звала ребенка, которому предстояло принять в попу наконечник, а потом и воду. Ну, ты давай как-нибудь". – произнёс я и буркнул невпопад: – анальный секс. Еби, – вырывалось из ее губ, и эти слова уже не казались ему такими ужасными, как раньше. Она была счастлива от такой ебли и благодарила нас за доставленное удовольствие. Мне хотелось кричать и стонать, брыкаться и трястись от оргазмов, которые настигали меня один за другим. Олечка прикусив губку тяжело дышала, она была сильно возбуждена. Опаньки, даже как зовут вспомнил. Я дернул дверь – она упруго, как на пружине, приоткрылась и снова встала на место: Светка крепко держалась за ручку изнутри, отчетливо слышалось ее напряженное сопение. Ему было так приятно ощущать внутри свою тётю. После такого секса, Ленка растянулась на диване как кошка на подоконнике в летний день. Она взмахнула пару раз ремнем, что бы я услышал свист. и спустя мгновение вместо тепла ее глаза наполнились странным блеском... – Если ты будешь дерзить старшим, то я тебе устрою встречу с патологоанатомом. Что попало я лижу! Она взглянула на Сашу и, положив весло поперек байдарки, ладонями провела по своим грудям, затем раздвинула ноги шире и, напоследок, помассировала поясницу и ягодицы. Насыпав бумагу горкой в пепельницу, он поднес к ней пламя зажигалки и начал быстро одеваться, поглядывая на маленький пожар в пепельнице. – Миана, а куда они сейчас пойдут? Тут оказалось, что в купе очень жарко, и необходимо открыть двери. Как раз в тот момент, когда наше возбуждение до-стигло предела, помощник учителя подошел ко мне. Она вонзилась в плечи парня своими коготками. – Ну и ну, а вода была чистая? Коля вошел в раж! Сперма белыми липкими сгустками покрывало всё лицо, груди и живот невесты, она же при этом сладко мурлыкала. Костику надоел этот поросячий визг, и он тоже дал ей пощечину. Встав с кровати и засунув ноги в тёплые тапки, я прошлёпал на кухню.
хента пони просмотр видео онлайн бесплатно красавицы лесбиянки небритая вагина любительское порно трах в москве азиаток порно видео анальная целочка у девушки видно сиськи уграно проно актрисы студии brazzers порно секс мамы по принуждению издевательства смотреть порно мужчина делает куни порно девушки в коже и латексе писсинг порно золотой дождь смотреть видео бесплатно онлайн
С чего же начать? – Настоящая мужская работа. Девочки уже облачились в коротенькие юбочки (у нас тепло уже). Далее он предложил погулять, посидеть на лавочке. Он мне так улыбнулся+Ну прям и вовсе и не ботаник, и не математик, и не очкарик + После этой удачной шутки прошло несколько месяцев, мы подружились, стали чаще болтать, по мылу писались, о сексе стали говорить. Как же мне сказать, чтобы ты поняла всё правильно? Это была небольшая, но приятная собой комната с двумя кроватями, стольким же количеством тумбочек и одним большим шкафом. – Что ты, глупый, это очень приятно! Только дай я тебя поцелую, Анни. Не возбуждало даже самое смелое из его продвижений, даже к вагине Арианы (сама мысль о том, что к ней никто до сих пор из плотских побуждений кроме, может быть, самой Арианы, не прикасался к этим девственно нежным орхидееподобным лепесткам, заключала в себе запал возбуждения, который, однако, даже не тлел в безвоздушном – на сей момент – пространстве Бархатового либидо). Элеонора пошла первой в душ. к они были все мокрые. Весь мир, с его бетонной серостью рассыпался как как карточный домик и исчез. Мой член снова был в напряжении. Вскоре мама стала ополаскиваться, затем выключив душ взяла полотенце и стала вытираться, при этом она вылезла из ванны встав лицом к двери и стала вытирать своё тело. Но почему моя новая подружка назвала ее веселой? Я как-нибудь сам это сделаю. Когда он первый раз кончит тебе в рот не глотай всю сперму, а возьми часть ее на палец и намажь густо его губы. Да и Светлана оказалась на высоте. Все вышли, а она пошла и заперла дверь. Подергав ногами в разные стороны, мне показалось, что веревка не так уж и сильно затянута, как будто ее вязала женщина (или девушка, тут же дополнилась мысль). Проходя мимо меня, он в шутку ткнул меня в бок кулаком. На следующее утро я сначала не поняла, где нахожусь. Кристине было тяжело дышать. Хотя было бы труднее жить, но более информирование если бы была одна на троих. В ее пpисyтствии можно было ожидать всего... Из этого состояния вывела вошедшая мама. Няня будет с детьми всю неделю, пока Вера Павловна будет в плену у своего шефа.
бесплатное порно видео толстых без регистрации частное фото сиски больших чем брызгает женщина когда ее перевозбудишь растоптанные залупы знаменитости поддельные фото секс в москве начьном клубе частное порно смирновой порно фото волгоградских и волжских девушек ненасытная секса смотреть фильм онлайн бесплатно оргазм индийских женщин видео порно комиксы вот это попа 2 часть любительское порно в ростове-на-дону девушка сняла шлюху смотреть онлайн ролик с санни леоне история о сексе секретарша на работе

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