Poisoned Peach, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? Options

[YTB]

Taking a brief break from my mock of the horrible Ghostbusters fan fic (Does anyone even give a damn about it anymore?), I shall now be doing yet another one shot. The premise itself makes no sense. Not necessarily because it's stupid, though it probably is, but because I couldn't really understand it. I can only assume the "story" itself will follow suit.


Poisoned Peach

(I do not own anything within this story related to the Mario franchise, or any other property of Nintendo)

Nightfall. One of the most bittersweet times of day.

The glorious, iridescent sky slowly darkens. The fiery, protective sun seems to die as it descends,

In actuality, the planet is rotating, and the sun only appears to be going away. In fact, it's on the other side of the planet, giving them light, and it'll return after a few hours.

Don't buy this author's Bronze-Age nonsense.

depriving the heavens of it's protective light. Overtime, it disappears into the horizon, the ever changing sky slowly becomes a cancerous black color. The serene moon and a few faithful stars are all that illuminate the darkened world.

Few? Well, sure, if a few can be defined as "thousands". They don't have light pollution everywhere, you know. Fucking idiot.

The beauty of these other celestial bodies are grand in their own right, but unworthy replacements for the blinding bringer of dawn. Long has night fallen in my personal world, and I, a Poisoned Peach, will never see my sun rise again.

I remember all too clearly that Bowser was at fault for my suffering, and my gift. Once more he had kidnapped me, and once again I waited for Mario to rescue me. Because I was too weak to save , my heroic lover, protector of my kingdom, and a magnanimous

Using big words does not make you a good author.

plumber had arrived to liberate me from the clutches of the Koopa retrospect, I always

You seem to be missing a few words there. Did demons take them?

wondered what that tyrant of a turtle saw in me. He was a giant Koopa, and I was one of the few humans in my kingdom.

THE BOWSER FORMULA OF SUCCESS

1. Kidnap Princess

2. Wait for some ridiculously long period of time before you do anything with her.

3. ???

4. PROFIT!!!!

It would be impossible for us to be in love, let alone bear children (at least I hope it would be impossible), besides, my heart belonged to Mario. Still, Bowser had chased after me since our years as toddlers, in hopes that his feelings would be returned in time he was thwarted, he grew cleverer, crueler, more sadistic, and more sinister. Although no matter how blackhearted he became, or how many defeats and thwartings he endured, his feelings for me remained unchanged. A pity really. Had he been less stubborn, we all would've been saved some pain.

Especially me. Why does no one ever think of me? Fuckers.

Oh excuse, I'm getting distracted aren't I? Where was I...? Oh yes...Mario and I were in the process of evacuating from my captor's base, when Bowser lost his temper.

In his wrathful state of mind, Bowser grabbed a Bill Blaster and began shooting Bullet Bills at us, the destruction of my crimson protector his sole intent. Fire as he might, all the projectiles missed, but one found it's way towards me. As fate would have it I had tripped while running, a risk that comes with wearing high heels. Once I had fallen to the ground below, I only had time enough to look up and see the projectile make it's way straight towards me.

My destiny was decided, or it would've been if my love hadn't turned around and saw me. Without hesitation, he jumped between me and the Bullet Bill, which exploded upon contact.

Having taken the explosive impact head on, he was mortally wounded.

Eh, whatever. He picked up like five 1-Up mushrooms before he entered the castle, anyways.

Blood, as deep red as his clothing splattered both of our bodies, the blood of a protective hero. He was terribly wounded, blood as red as his clothing splattered his remains, the floor, and my royal raiment. He was so mercilessly decimated, that no 1-up Mushroom could ever bring him back.

That's why they have Continues.

My disbelief was so strong that I would have sat there denying that the impossible had happened, but instead, in a moment, I gathered myself, picking up his corpse and running.

I ran, and ran, and ran, and ran…

Only when I was mere inches from the safety of my palace did I collapse from exhaustion…and only then did I shed a tear.

And Bowser didn't think to stop her because...

I cried for an eternity, never being able to forget the sight of Mario, murdered before my very eyes, by that damned Bullet Bill and indirectly by Bowser. Ever since that cruel day, my sun had set, and not a night goes by that I do not shed a tear, and never once have I ceased mourning.

This is why she needs to get JESUS into her life.

Despite this, I fell even lower. The sun had begun to fall, but dusk was further off yet.

Without Mario, my life meant nothing, I could not see a life after love. So I tried to end my existence by eating a fabled poisonous peach, which was rumored to grow in Dark Land.

I traveled there by my lonesome, to retrieve this rare fruit. Once I arrived, I saw it growing on a decaying, leafless tree. It was slightly purple, and the exuded a sickly sweet scent, enticing but dangerous.

I took in in my hand and began to admire it's beauty. I thought it was fitting, a variant of my namesake being that which ended my suffering.

Historians would cite her as the most uncreative Princess in the Mushroom Kingdom's history.

I took a bite, tasting the sweet, but acidic juices, burning as they went down my throat. To me, it tasted of eternity, I craved more, the pain that came with partaking of it was nothing compared to the pain of living.

Finally, I felt a deep inferno spreading throughout my body.

'Finally, it's over…' I thought, elated at the apparent signs of demise I felt, 'I'll be with you soon…Mario.'

However, as the Princess soon discovered, the Hindus were right, and she was reincarnated as a rat.

The End

As my consciousness faded, I felt darkness overtake me. In a twisted way I was doing to Bowser what he did to me, taking away the one person he loved above all others. But I was mistaken.

Bowser just wanted to take over the globe, and the death of the Mushroom Kingdom's sole ruler made that a hell of a lot easier.

Idiot.

Instead of dying, I lay comatose, for several agonizing hours before I finally reawakened. A myriad of thoughts crossed my mind, the most prominent was: 'Why am I still alive?'

Never did I discover why I retained my life. Perhaps it was that the legend I heard said it made one feel as if they were dying, but it didn't matter to me. Nonetheless I later discovered that I had developed a new ability.

Poison.

What.

On my arrival home, before a second attempt at suicide, I happened to see myself in a nearby mirror, and there I noticed the most obvious part of the change. In physical apperance I was very much the same person I had always been, the only change was within my eyes. The twin orbs

WHY DO THESE PEOPLE INSIST ON CALLING EYES ORBS?

of the human body, they that show the condition of the soul within. Instead of their once peaceful azure color, my eyes were now forever dyed a dark violet hue.

The color of a deadly toxin.

Somehow, this sight shocked me so badly that a single bright tear slid from my eye, down my cheek, and to the lavish carpet below me. Upon contact, the tear ate through the carpet, leaving a perfectly eroded hole where the droplet of water landed.

When Bodily Fluids Become Highly Acidic For Some Reason: The Novel

At first, I convinced myself it was an illusion, but somehow this develpoment intrigued me so much that I actually forgot about suicide, and not once since then have I ever considered it again. Over the next few weeks, I discovered the full extent of my new abilities, but I'll spare you all the details.

I learned that my body now excreted a natural and lethal poison, first I learned it was hidden within my tears, then my body's natural oils, and the very air around me if I willed it. Overall anything and everything about me was now toxic and dangerous, a prelude to the future radical change in my state of mind.

It also led to a Communist Revolution.

At first it seemed terrible, all I was given was the ability to destroy. All I touched would be ruined and decay.

'...But maybe this isn't such a bad thing...' I later reasoned with myself, and as it so happened I was right. Now I could claim revenge on Bowser, as well as become the new protector of my kingdom. That way, no other person would have to sacrifice their lives to save the denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom except maybe the princess herself. After all I did manage to do it once, and with my newfound gifts and Bowser permanently removed from the equation, it would be all too simple.

But before I got ahead of myself, I needed control.

Three years passed before my training was complete.

During this period, Bowser apparently declined taking the perfect opportunity to kidnap the Princess and instead opted to open up another beer.

I taught myself to master the natural weapon within myself until I could command the poison within by raw instinct. Not only that, but I also trained my physical body to an acceptable level, being able to lift at least twice my own bodyweight. I also studied the art of using daggers in combat. They were perfect for someone of my petite stature, not as bulky as swords, easy to conceal, good for quick fighters, and excellent when coated in venom.

Because overkill is important.

A set of twin, lilac shaded blades were strapped to either of my legs, made of a synthesised alloy I requested Professor E. Gadd to make. The blades could handle my natural poison without dissolving.

Those weren't my only wardrobe changes though. My new ensemble consisted of a wolfsbane

Spell check doesn't like that word.

hued dress, meant to be elegant and functional in combat, the skirt was in truth a halfskirt, to allow for more manueverability. It was a tad tighter than it's predecessor, and in many ways the both the same and alien. It was meant to be more...alluring, but not so indecent that it "exposed" me. On it was a brooch, similar to the blue one I usually donned, but instead the jewel was my old, signature pink. My new earring baubles were now amethyst colored. The sleeves on my dress were shoulder length, and my pristine white gloves had been replaced with shorter, fingerless jet black ones. The next change were durable, but comfortable and form-fitting boots, which brought me back to my true, 5'0 height, replacing the heels that caused me to fall on that fated day. Lastly, I made sure my hair was a bit shorter than usual, reaching down slightly past my shoulders. That way, if one wished to pull my hair as a desperate last resort in combat, they'd have a much harder time.

The whole "Our Monarch is turning into a nut-case" thing probably only hastened that Communist Revolution I was talking about.

Now, all preparations had been made, there was no doubt in my mind that I could claim the hated Koopa's life with ease.

It was a simple plan, I sent Bowser a false love letter. The contents were hard to write, afterall I had to pretend to love the pitiful fool who had crossed me, but I managed to put my lies to paper. I claimed that I realized my feelings for him, and that I no longer blamed him for the death of Mario. I also added that I would love it if he would join me for cake and tea in his castle.

Almost immediately, I believe he sent a hastily scrawled bit of parchment that said: "Yes! Please come tomorrow, I'll have everything set up for us. "

Turns out it was an overly-elaborate trap.

That night, I looked to the sky to see the lonely moon, full and heavenly, it was the sole source of beauty in the night sky, the multitude of wonderous stars that usually accompanied it were seemingly gone. Somehow, seeing the giant white orb reminded me of the purity I once had, now surrounded by nothing but darkness and abandoned. It strengthened my resolve to avenge Mario, to alleviate my suffering somewhat.

The next day we met up at his dreary dwelling, he was outside, smiling dumbly to himself. I decided to humor him with a hug, knowing him, he'd accept in a heartbeat and leave himself perfectly open. Contact of any sort was too good for that insufferable worm. He barely even noticed my changed clothes and new hair style. During my prolonged embrace with the mutated turtle, my boy

What.

produced it's poison, which seeped into his very pores, past his scaled hide. Once we stopped, Bowser invited me in and began to complain about feeling hot and dizzy. I had infected him with just enough poison to kill him, and not enough to disintegrate his body.

How does poison disintegrate things again?

Once we arrived in the dining hall, he was sweating profusely. Somehow he managed to ask if I'd care fore some Koopa leaf tea. I obliged his offer but insisted that he drink first.

"After all," I had said innocently, "I only care about your health right now."

He chuckled a bit before uttering his last words. "Gee, thanks Princess Toadstool, your a real peach!"

It was a bad joke,

Amen.

but I laughed nonetheless. The laughter came after he hit the floor, spilling tea on the ground and he breathed his last. Pulling out a vial of poison I had prepared beforehand, I poured a fair bit into the nearly full tea kettle we had, and into the puddle of sweet liquid on the cold, unswept floor.I then began to cry, forcing tear after tear to fall from my face, making sure no poison exited my body as my plot came together. A week later, Bowser's funeral was held, all eight of his children and his army of loyal soldiers were in attendance. Kammy Koopa was blamed for Bowser's demise, she had prepared our food and everyone suspected that she was trying to ursup both his kingdom and my own.

Because killing two people, one of whom has eight heirs, is an awesome way to gain control of two kingdoms.

I never did discover what happened to her, but I doubt it was pleasant. As an unexpected side effect, some soldiers felt like they should join the Mushroom Kingdom and live in peace, while the other remnants of the kingdom flocked to whichever of the Koopalings they felt would be the next heir.

I had done away with Bowser, but now his children posed a threat to the peace in my kingdom. Still, they'd be too busy squabbling amongst themselves

Translation: Civil War

to try and attack my subjects and I, and even if they did, my friends, like Daisy, Luigi, Yoshi, Toad, Toadsworth and the others (who were unaware of my actions or new powers) would be there at my side.

Thinking of them, and my now realized vengance eased my suffering by a lot,

BUT DID IT BRING BACK MARIO? HMMMMMMMMMMM?

Oh, wait. Looks like it did. Who would have guessed?

but still, I hurt on the inside. Not once have they noticed that I am no longer the kind, loving, and occasionally sassy princess of the Mushroom kingdom; Instead, I was now the vengeful, manipulative, murderous empress, who has spread suffering because she suffered. Still there is a dull emptiness in my heart from missing Mario. And now, I anxiously await my next journey, be it one of friendship, conquest, or raw violence...so long as it soothed my toxic heart.

But aside from my scarlet plumber's return, nothing can do that for long. So now I await, hoping the next thing I do will be like a star, brightening the dark night my existance has become.

Well, if you managed to get through all that, then congratulations. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta try to forget this.

[Soren Highwind]

Well that was painfully boring. FUCKING POISON, HOW DOES IT WORK?!

[Poppy Bro Fan]

...What the fuck?

I think my brain cells just died from the purple prose and boredom.

[YTB]

Yeah, that happens. It's the reason I once thought 25=50.

[shiroamasa]

My eyes hurt...