I Dream of Renamon - A Study of a Phenomenom, Renamon and Humans that Love Them Options

[Lizard-Man]

Still working on the next chapter for Red Biotic, but I’m in the mood for Digimon right now so fuck it. Anyway, a thought occurred to me when I was thinking to myself, why not create a self-contained thread which I can update regularly? One devoted to a specific topic that I find is apparent and somewhat popular in the fanfiction circles of Digimon. This little topic is about one particular individual you’re probably all aware of, even if you didn’t really watch Digimon.



Good old Renamon, one of my favourite characters in the Digimon series. She was badass, she was scrappy and she had one of the better story arcs in Tamers. Oh and she got a GREAT ASS!

Hey we all know the jokes, it’s hard to find pictures of Renamon that aren’t Hentai or AREN’T in some kind of sexually suggestive position. Why? Cause even people who aren’t furries by nature think she’s hot. It’s the hips I swear, it has to be. And the logical conclusion people end up drawing from it all is stories about Renamon getting it on with humans, or A Renamon not THE Renamon from the series. It depends. Of course not all the stories are about sex, a good chunk just have Renamon dating humans. Cause cross species stuff doesn’t have to be completely dirty.

Now granted the idea actually does have some merit. Ya see Renamon isn’t really an animal, she’s bits of data. So technically it isn’t bestiality, it’s more akin to a movie where an AI program falls in love with its creator. Like Weebo from Flubber. Personally I think the idea of a sentient digital or synthetic construct falling for an organic being is an interesting story concept. And when you consider how close many Digimon are with their partners it’s not outside the realm of possibility that one could develop feelings for them and vice versa. It could be an interesting story about the nature of love, how it can cross barriers of all kinds, how it’s something spontaneous that can’t be controlled, the nature of Artificial Intelligence and whether or not it has some kind of soul or capacity for emotions. How would this kind of relationship work, what obstacles would they face? Could two people, partnered seemingly by fate or by chance, one of them a digital non-human entity and an organic being, both sentient and possessing free will, truly find something more in each other? That could be the basis, the groundwork for a very deep, complex story in the vein of similar works concerning AI and robots and, in this case, creature born out of data and bits of computer information.

However, few are qualified to actually WRITE said stories and it just comes off looking shitty. At worst it’s exploitation, at best most of the time it’s too much like a standard romance fanfic. The characters might as well both be human. Rarely do people evolve the concept further than that and when they try to they end up falling into the exploitative shit once more. It’s a fine line, one that requires you be careful when treading it. Otherwise you fall off the wagon and into the sea of fetish porn.

So this little series hopes to look at the Renamon/Human relationship fanfic. It can be of any pairing, it doesn’t even have to be the same Renamon from the series. As long as it’s Renamon and she’s in a relationship with a human of some kind I wanna take a look at it and mock it... cause they’re running a potentially good idea into the ground with their unqualified fingers!

Anywho, our first look at this phenomenon is “Takato’s Lazy Day”, it has no sex, so it’s a good starting off point for the latter of the two options we stated above. It’s crap, and incredibly stupid, so it fits my guidelines. It has Takato basically mulling about his house with Renamon who is for some reason now his girlfriend. Why? Don’t fucking ask, the story doesn’t explain it either.

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Takato Matsuki, 13, awoke one Saturday morning with a yawn.

That was when he noticed several discarded beer bottles around him, panties placed on top of his head and a tattoo on his arm that was a picture of a heart with the words Lucille in the middle. Truly last night had been one of his off days.

He wore little more than a blue t-shirt and his white briefs. It was at least 80 degrees in his room, so he climbed out from under his sheets and laid out on top of them.

The good thing about fanfics is that we don’t have to worry about visuals. No doubt were this a movie or TV program we would be eyeing Takato’s damn briefs in a horrifying inappropriate camera angle. The bad thing however? You can see it in your mind’s eye... which is infinitely worse.

He grabbed a remote off his bedside table, and turned on his TV. It was an older TV, box shaped, but it was a good size at nearly 30 inches.

Wow! Almost Thirty Inches AND box shaped?! Holy shit man! That’s state of the art advanced technology there! Do you have rabbit ears too? You probably can get like... six channels with one that isn’t static and blurry as fuck! You’re living the dream man!

Takato flipped to his favorite Saturday morning channel, Fox Kids.

Takato couldn’t figure out why there was this strange logo that kept shout 4Kids at him repeatedly though.

Medabots was on at the moment.

Takato is obviously eyeing the competition and trying to figure out a way to properly crush their time slot.

By the way, you may think this is an old fanfic with all that considered... but it isn’t. This was made in this year... on August 19th. Either this is a period piece, doubtful, or the writer has been living under a rock for the past decade.

Hungry, Takato walked downstairs for a minute. His parents were out for the day, so he was able to get a bowl of cereal and return upstairs with it no problem.

Yes cause I’m sure taking a bowl of cereal up to his room in this house is like taking drugs across the border. They would’ve tackled him to the ground and batted him to a pulp Rodney King style.

He laid back down on his bed, bowl on his chest, and continued watching TV.

As much as I miss eating cereal during Saturday morning cartoons, I never EVER ate it like this. Even I was not that lazy as fuck. Plus there’s always the chance of you spill milking on your neck, it’s kinda disgusting.

'This is going to be the greatest lazy day ever.' he thought.

How can you say that? It’s not Sunday and you don’t have cupcakes!

Takato finished the bowl of cereal as the episode ended, and laid it on his bedside table for the time being.

If he’s anything like me “for the time being” will be the next week or so.

Full and content, he continued to watch TV. After Medabots, Yu-gi-oh came on.

Add your own “It’s time to Duel/Children’s Trading card Game” joke here

Takato was excited to see Yugi Moto progress further through the battle city tournament.

Yes what could be more exciting than watching two people try to dramatically play up a trading card game battle that last four fucking episodes and GOES NOWHERE! The heart pounding excitement never stops.

However, as the theme song played, Takato's HTC EVO vibrated on his bedside table.

'What now?' he thought. He picked up the phone, and found that he'd received a text. 'Hmm, I wonder what Rika wants?' he thought.

I’d say she wants your help defeating a monster that’s tearing through downtown but this is a Digimon fanfic. When does that ever happen?

He tapped the touch screen, and opened the message. "Hey, I'm going out of town for the day and Renamon wants to know if she can hang at your place. Are you okay with that?" Takato read.

If she’s not in the mood for crouching over the sides of buildings like Batman for the day.

Huh... there’s an idea. Renamon as Batgirl, that could be a fun little parody done right.

'Well OF COURSE I'm okay with having my girlfriend over for the day!' Takato thought. He typed up a reply, sent it, and set the phone back down.

You know when I first read that, I assumed that was what he actually wrote instead of him just thinking it. Now I’m kinda wondering if Rika even knows her Digimon/Surrogate Big Sister is having make out sessions with one of her friends. And if she doesn’t know is she even the least bit suspicious as to why Renamon wants to head over to Takato’s house? Maybe she thinks Renny wants to see Guilmon, who is suspiciously absent from this fic by the by. Guess he’s at the park or something.

Takato had only returned to the TV show for a minute or two when his phone vibrated again. He picked it up, and read the new text. "Okay, she'll head over in a bit. Have a good day!" Takato smiled, and put the phone back. 'Now this is DEFINITELY the best lazy day ever!' he thought.

If you think you think you’re gonna get laid, joke’s on you Takato, this fanfic is rated K+.

He returned to watching Yu-gi-oh, which ended after its regular half hour. Takato's stomach then growled again. 'I guess I ought to get some lunch…' he thought.

You just had friggin cereal half an hour ago! It’s not even noon! What are you some kind of trash compactor? Even I don’t get hungry again that fast!

He walked downstairs, made two sandwiches, and grabbed a large bag of potato chips before returning to his room.

Still no cupcakes, you are failing at this lazy day plan of yours severely.

'I hope Renamon is okay with a sandwich for lunch…' he thought.

Well she’s a fox, so as long as it’s made from field mice, chickens and rabbits she’ll be fine.

He laid back down on his bed, and began to eat chips as he watched more TV. The sandwiches sat waiting on his bedside table.

Takato of course eats chips like he does cereal, placing them on his chest. At this point Hank Hill then wandered in and sighed deeply.

“Takato could you do me a favour and stand up?” he asked “I just wanna see if ya still can.”

About five minutes later, one of Takato's bedroom windows slid open,

A man dressed in a black bat suit rushed in a grabbed him, demanding to know “where the other drugs were going!” and bashing his head against the wall.

so he turned to greet his vixen lover as she jumped gracefully into the room.

By gracefully we mean she tripped and fell into his dirty laundry bin.

"Good Morning Renamon." he said with a smile. "Good morning Takato." she replied happily.

Renamon: Well no sense dragging this out more, let’s get to the lovin’.

"I made you a sandwich if you want it." Takato said, motioning towards the two sandwiches on his bedside table.

Takato: I made sure to put in extra field mice this time.

"Thanks. You're having a lazy day aren't you?" Renamon replied, noticing his lack of pants.

If I didn’t know any better I’d swear this was headed for M rated territory. Anyone who wanted a perverted little sexploitation piece will have to wait till our next story.

Takato blushed and nodded.

Renamon sat down on Takato's couch with a sandwich, and began eating it while watching some TV herself.

Renamon is watching in the vain hope that Batman Beyond will come on soon, Terry McGinnis makes her feel all warm and susceptible down there. Unfortunately for her she doesn’t realise that he’s only on KidsWB... which will soon die as well once 4Kids finally kills Saturday Morning for good.

Takato grabbed his own sandwich, and ate as well. Cubix- which had come on after Yu-gi-oh- soon ended, giving way to Sonic the Hedgehog AKA Sonic SatAM.

Uh dumbass, Fox Kids never showed Sonic SatAm, in fact they never showed Sonic at all. You’re thinking of Sonic X, which was broadcast when the name changed to FoxBox and they got rid of most of their good shows. In fact, they didn’t even broadcast Cubix! That was FoxBox as well! And so was Yu-Gi-Oh now that I think about it!

You idiot you got the fucking line-up completely wrong! My nostalgia or any semblance of it has been ruined now! Thanks a lot asshole!

The episode was exciting,

Sonic X’s most exciting part was wondering if you could make it through that theme song without brain damage. SatAm was good, but that was never broad cast on Fox Kids, he means X, not SatAm, just cause this writer is an idiot doesn’t mean I have to fall into the same trap he’s made.

so naturally Takato ate chips like popcorn.

That’s a good way to choke considering pop corn is supposed to be eaten one kernel after the other.

Before either he or Renamon knew it, the episode was over and the chips were gone.

Kinda reminds me of my dad and how he scoffs down whole bags now that I think about it.

A lesser known show came on next,

Translation, the author couldn’t think of another show that was on either Fox Kids or the Fox Box that he liked.

so Renamon took the opportunity to ask a question. "Hey Takato, you up for some Brawl?" she asked.

Time for some food old fashioned fight club! Two men enter, one man leave!

"Sure, I don't care much for this show anyway." Takato remarked casually,

Must be 4Kids One Piece, hiyooooooo!

"Can you hand me a remote?" Knowing how Takato was on his lazy days,

In other words to much of a slob to even move a finger unless it had to do with food.

Renamon gladly handed him a Wiimote. Takato picked up the TV remote as well, and changed it to the Wii input.

Renamon turned on the Wii with her own Wiimote, and Takato let her be player 1.

Considering she turned it on of course she’s player one.

She started the game, and chose normal Brawl. After selecting their characters and changing the settings from Time to Stock, they started the first match. Soon, the two were having a great time beating each other to a pulp.

This is as riveting as watching your friends play a game without you.

Oh wait! Watching your friends play is a hell of a lot more fun cause at least you can joke around and have fun and ACTUALLY SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING ONT HE FUCKING SCREEN!

Takato laid back on his pillow and played casually, while Renamon sat criss-cross on the couch, playing aggressively.

By that we mean button mashing of course. Also, Takato is too lazy to even try to win at a video game, good lord that’s messed up.

Despite the very different styles of play, the two had just about even records.

Cause I’m sure Takato ploddingly pushing buttons at a Snail’s pace in a fighting game would manage to keep the matched tied.

All in all, they both played very well, and didn't end up getting mad over one player winning all the matches like so many others.

No doubt that player was Renamon, cause at least she was actually trying to win.

However, they eventually grew bored of Brawl,

Like many of us did after playing Subspace Emissary once and promptly saying “Fuck this”

and turned on a movie. As it started, Renamon laid down next to Takato, who wrapped his right arm around her and smiled contently.

If this was a shitty teen movie he no doubt would be giving a thumbs up to the audience.

Now, most males would get an erection at this point, but Takato wasn't most males.

So he’s impotent I guess huh?

He was very comfortable around his girlfriend, who enjoyed his company as much as he enjoyed hers.

Despite the smell... Takato’s not Renamon’s. Renamon actually bathes.

Renamon cuddled up to Takato during the beginning of the movie, and nuzzled him during a few romantic scenes. Takato enjoyed this, and would always nuzzle back.

Can you feel the love tonight folks?

Eventually the movie ended at around 5:30. Takato got up to go fix some dinner, when his phone emitted a short tone. Picking it up, he looked at the e-mail he'd just received. Takato was shocked to find a message from Ryo,

Oh look Mr. Douchebag Misogynist! How you been?

including photos, which explained that Renamon may have been mating with another Digimon.

[s] So Ryo is either a private investigator OR he just likes sending Renamon hentai... huh. I’ll go with the latter.[/b]

However, the photos Ryo said he'd been given looked like they'd been altered somehow, so Takato replied that he'd have Henry take a look at them before drawing any conclusions. Ryo replied back with an affirmative.

See even they know there’s so much porn of Renamon that’s it’s silly to make assumptions.

Takato forwarded the pictures to Henry, explaining the situation, and asking the tech-savvy Tamer to take a closer look at the photos. Takato then began to ponder dinner, as he was sure he wasn't alone in feeling hungry.

So it’s just been suggested to you that your girlfriend is cheating and you’re still thinking about food.

Are you sure you and Guilmon didn’t switch brains or something?

Renamon had seen all the sending and receiving he'd done, and was naturally worried. "Takato, what's going on?" she asked.

She quickly followed it up with “Wasn’t me” just as that song had suggested.

"I don't know Renamon; Henry's looking into it." Takato replied with a hint of unease. Suspicious as she was, Renamon just nodded in confirmation.

Suspicious? Takato should be the one who’s suspicious! Whose cheating on who here? I swear if this turns into fucking “How I Became Yours”...

"Anyways, what do you want for dinner?" the dino Tamer asked.

Well at least this fanfic acknowledged Takato has a Digimon... sorta.

Renamon thought for a moment before she responded. "How about we order pizza?" she asked.

You know, the more Renamon talks, the less she sounds like herself period.

Takato grinned. "That sounds great. Do you want sardines as usual?" he asked. Renamon nodded.

I’m not one to assume what kind of Pizza Renamon likes... but fucking hell who actually LIKES Sardines on their pizza?

Takato ordered a half sardines, half three meat pizza online using his EVO. His parents had left him with some money while they were out, so he'd be able to pay for it. The pizza arrived twenty minutes later, signaled by a ring of the doorbell.

As opposed to the man ramming his truck through the side of the wall I guess.

Since Takato was in his underwear, Renamon went downstairs and answered it.

Because it makes more sense for the giant fox-like creature to accept the take out than the normal human who could’ve just put on some damn pants already! The guy at the door won’t freak out and run down the street screaming like most normal people probably would. No, that’s just silly. Unless of course Digimon have become an accepted part of society now.

She returned not a minute later with the pizza.

As the two lovers began to eat, Takato's phone vibrated. He checked it, and found an e-mail from Henry. As it turned out, the photos were two different pictures cropped together to look like something completely different.

Well conflict over, that was delightfully pointless.

Henry also said he contacted Ryo, who forwarded him the e-mail. He then traced it to a village in the Digital World. The coordinates of it were included in the e-mail Takato was now reading.

Takato: Alright time to get going. Gotta bust a cap in someone’s ass for this.

"Takato, what's going on?" Renamon asked. Takato turned to her with a serious look.



"Someone e-mailed Ryo some photos that looked like you mating with another Digimon. I had Henry look at them, and it turns out they were fakes.

Well you just outright dropped that on her pretty quick. Couldn’t even warm up to that could ya?

“Oh yeah I thought you were cheating on me. We’re cool now.”

Do you know anything about a village located at theses coordinates?" Takato asked. He showed her the coordinates Henry had sent him in hopes that she'd shed some light on the incident.

"I do know those coordinates…" Renamon said, "A Digimon lives there, a BlackWereGarurumon to be exact.

So Renamon is a Jacob fan I guess.

When I still lived in the Digital World, he was in love with me. I rejected him though, and now he's likely jealous of you.

So I guess once you have black you CAN go back.

He won't be much of a problem though; he's dead scared of coming here."

I guess he heard about the rising crime rates in the real world, that or he believes those urban legends about digital organ donors.

Takato couldn't help but laugh at the last sentence. "Alright then, I guess we have nothing to worry about." Takato said. Renamon just nodded, controlling her own laughter.

HA HA! Your boyfriend didn’t trust you for a good while!

Good this interlude was pointless.

It was now 6:15 and the two lovers had nothing to do,

Mock a fanfic, it’s how I pass the time.

so Takato turned the TV back on. By now, Fox Kids was showing movies.

Which they only did on holidays... or never at all and it was always only one movie cause their time slot was only about six hours.

The one currently on piqued Takato's interest: Digimon the Movie. Renamon laid back down next to Takato, and the two watched the movie with interest.

Well the middle part anyway which is the only part that’s worth a damn.

The movie revolved around a group of characters known as the DigiDestined and their Digimon partners. Takato thought it was an interesting twist on Digimon, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

INTERESTING TWIST? The fuck!

You may think this is like some kind of paradox thing or something! No, Digimon Tamers was based in the real world, where Digmon was famous for being a card game/video game/TV Show. Takato was a fan of the TV show, as was Henry and Rika! That’s where they first heard about Digimon! That’s what got them all interested in it! They know the characters on the TV show! They reference the TV show several times! And this story is saying this is the first time either of them have seen the series or the movie? ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?

Renamon did as well, especially the comedic moments.

Or the moments that tried to be funny at least.

As the movie continued, and the night grew later, it got cooler in Takato's room. Eventually the two lovers pulled Takato's sheets over themselves to keep warm.

So in the span of a few hours it’s gone from morning to night-time and Fox Kids is still on. Yeah bullshit! It always ended so the baseball game could come on next at noon!

After Digimon the Movie ended, a different movie came on. This one was a little boring,

Gotta be a hell of a lot more interesting than this story was!

and by the time it was over, Renamon had fallen asleep.

Takato: Well there goes my shot at hot furry sex.

Takato, using what little energy he had left,

Little energy, you barely fucking moved all fucking day!

texted Rika, who said it was okay for Renamon to spend the night.

Okay she has to know, there’s no way she’d be that oblivious to what her Digimon is doing!

As Takato placed his phone back on the bedside table, his father walked into the room.

I’m guessing they’re not questioning why a yellow fox woman is in the same bed as him while he has no pants on. That ain’t suspicious at all.

He and Takato's mother had returned five minutes prior. "Did you enjoy your lazy day Takato?" the older Matsuki asked.

The first question I would ask as a parent would be more along the lines of “did you at least use protection damnit?”

Mr. Matsuki could tell when Takato had had a lazy day just by the things strewn about his room. The empty bag of chips was a dead giveaway.

Oh that’s the first thing he notices then? Completely ignoring the digital monster sleeping next to him!

"The best ever…" Takato managed to reply. Seconds later he was asleep.

Hank Hill, who was beside Takato’s father now sighed even deeper and said “That boy ain’t right.”

----------------------------------------------------

So that was shit, Takato has a girlfriend who is practically unattainable and he doesn’t even kiss her! Hell this story was totally uneventful! Nothing happened! The only semblance of a plot goes nowhere and is resolved rather quickly with no trouble! And everyone just seems to act casual considering the fact Takato IS DATING OUTSIDE HIS OWN DAMN SPECIES! See what I mean when I said this might as well have been a story about two humans in love?

I bet this entire story is just the author telling folks about what he considers to be a perfect day, spending time with a hot foxy girl, playing video games and watching cartoons while gorging out on junk food. I’m not gonna say I don’t think that’s a pretty neat day, but it’s fucking boring as hell to read about. This is Digimon! There’s supposed to be fighting! Badass action! Shit happening! It’s like every other damn Digimon fanfic out there that neglect the fact this show was about kids saving the world with digital monsters! Except this one remember that the Digimon exist AND DOES NOTHING WITH THEM!

Argh, anyway... that was just a starter to things. Tune in next time when we look at the other end of the spectrum. From boring as fuck K+ rated shit to mindless M rated Sex. Because that’s the only reason anyone looks for a Renamon fanfic right?

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Feb 5 2012, 04:41 PM

[Qmark]

You know, I enjoyed Tamers as a kid, and I always get pissed at these people who only watch the show to furrygasm over Renamon. It makes me want to take a shower knowing that something I held dear as a child is also something that spawned numerous hentais, lemons, and other icky stuff.

Ranting aside, good mock so far, Lizard.

[Lizard-Man]

To be fair I like Renamon as well, and I don't mind the porn she has inevitably garnered. I do mind people ignoring her complex and interesting character traits and personality in FAVOUR of said porn. Renamon deserves so much more than to be a sex symbol for Furries.

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Today’s fanfic is called “RenaEmperor” and if you haven’t figured out what this is about yet you probably aren’t much of a Digimon fan. You should remember the Digimon Emperor (AKA Ken) from the second season of Digimon



He was a pretty good villain actually, a human, an evil Digi-destined. That’s a cool idea. Of course half way through the season he got downgraded... but whatever it was fun while it lasted.

Well have you ever wondered if the Emperor kept around hot sexy Digimon babes as concubines? Wonder no more... or perhaps wonder more? Today we watch Ken have sex with a Renamon... or does he? I hesitate to say it’s THE Renamon, because I’m not sure how’d she get into the digital world of season 2 when it only exists as a TV show in her season and for certain other reasons that will become apparent... but I digress. You’re not here for that stuff anyway are you? You’re here to watch a teenage boy on a power trip fuck a fox chick from behind.

Well you’re gonna be a bit disappointed.
......................................................................

Disclaimer: I do not and will probably never own digimon, much to my dismay.

I’m sure we all weep at the fact we’ll never get to see this story as an actual episode.

This story will contain digi-human love and may not be suitable if you do not like that.

I’m a bit of a perverted freak though so I guess I’ll stay.

It will contain mild suggestive adult themes and adult humour.

So shit jokes I guess. Cause that’s what passes for adult humour on FF.net

Notes: Okay so this wasn't my idea nor do I entirely approve but here is a rather perverted fanfic:

So if you don’t approve why are you writing it? Oh I see this is one of them Dare fanfics people end up with.

Be warned it is not for the faint of heart.

I read it, it’s really not that horrible. He’s just building up hype to get you to see it. Like the Jackass movies.

I would suggest at the very least 16+ but it's better if you are 18+

Cause two years make all the difference in your tolerance for porn!

I have been told it isn't as bad as I make out but I guess it's personal opinion.

See? Even others have told him he’s just flat out making a mountain out of a molehill for the purpose of reviews.

________________________________________

"Renamon..." the soft voice muttered to the howling winds. He reached for his coke and drank the whole can, thoroughly enjoying it.

And that was until he realised it was actually Pepsi and he began to choke on the horrible taste that was toxic dishwater.

"You are so... wait there" he paused and reached over to grab some fries, stuffing them in his mouth

Geez, inhale them why don’t ya.

he continued "Yhoh ahhhbfg soohohhh" he stopped and started to choke, smacking his chest he breathed deeply as the fry flew out of his mouth and hit one of the garden gnomes.

Charming, I’m sure Renamon REALLY wants to fuck you hard now. And when did the Digimon Emperor get garden gnomes? Probably Wormon’s doing. He was always a bit of a sucker for kitchy decor.

He looked around, from his bedroom window sill he had the perfect viewpoint if anyone was coming. His house's soft brick finish on the outside made him wonder;

Oh I see he’s still back home... sorry It’s just I figured he was in his damn fortress with Renamon staring him in the face. He did sound like he was talking to her. Unless he was looking at all her porn on the net and talking to it... which is creepier.

'Why is Renamon so cold, it's not that I wouldn't like to snuggle with her and warm her up but if I licked her, I think my tongue would stick, and I sure do love to lick...'

Um, are you thinking of Renamon or a popsicle?

his train of thought ended as a crow cawed. It was getting late. Maybe he should go to bed, there he could do things that he couldn't on a window sill, like using his laptop.

Okay I’m really confused now, is Ken watching a Renamon outside? Why is she in the real world? Why does she think she’s a frozen ice scream treat? Does his junk food fetish go that far?

As he thought of her soft furry outer coating and hard inner shell and her nougat-y center

Oh my fucking god he does think she’s junk food! Jesus Christ almighty! Ken has a sick mind!

he had to double check his pants weren't leaking.

Better call the plumber.

After checking he dropped the drink below, he wouldn't be wet because of that tonight.

He’d be wet for other reasons other than lemonade spilling on him cause he was stupid enough to sleep with it on the mattress.

He was sat on the outside window ledge looking out into the front garden and the street as he thought of when he would meet Renamon. He sighed and climbed back through the window and shut it. He engulfed the remaining fries and clambered into his bed.

I find it amazing he hasn’t choked to death in this fanfic so far. Even I don’t eat this disgustingly.

Turning on his phone he read a text from Rika. He pressed open tentatively and read it slowly "So, when do you wanna meet up, if you can play in the bedroom as well as you do on the soccer field then I'm sure we will be just fine. Rika xxxxx"

Wait Rika exists in this world too? I’m confused more than ever now, the hell is going on?!

he thought deeply, maybe Renamon wouldn't accept his advances, and then he'd be stuck with Rika.

Oh what a terrible awful fate, stuck having sex with an actual human being. And Rika of all persons, can you imagine? How horrible that would be.



What? She’s older in this picture! She has actual boobs! It's not Loli if she's over the legal age!

No, he had to soldier on; he clambered up and walked over to his toy soldiers to formulate an attack strategy.

You’re consulting your green army men for how to have sex with a digimon... you have issues.

"We go in from behind?" he asked himself. "Nah, it'll be heavily guarded but anyone can go through the front doors!" he exclaimed,

Well I suppose you could wait for the next infantry rush then use your machine gun to earn yourself a barrage and save it until the boss on the final wave. Unless it’s artillery, then fuck it, artillery sucks. Commando and Close Air Support all the way for me.

he grinned at his brilliant plan and hopped into bed as his mum knocked on the door. "Ken, honey, are you still up?" she asked.

“You’re not masturbating to furry animals again are you?”

Ken didn't reply and his mother quickly left. "Tommorow my dear Renamon, tommorow..." Ken said with a smile.

Little did Ken know that Hank Hill was just outside listening, he shook his head and sighed.

“I tell you what, that boy ain’t right.” He mused as he walked off.

He rolled over and tried to get some sleep after his tissue box was empty, it turned out they weren't ultra-absorbent.

There’s only so much they can take, and they didn’t have what you were doing in mind when they made them.

"How about we do it now, big boy..." a husky voice muttered. Ken rolled over in shock.

It’s raping time!

"Renamon!" he hissed,

Good god I can never escape that word and how inappropriately it is used!

aware that his mum and possibly Rika were nearby.

Why would Rika be nearby? She’s never one to keep a leash on Renamon.

"We are alone, and I know you want me, so let's do it. Sexy..." Renamon said, her voice was chisseled and masculine,

That isn’t how I’d describe Renamon’s voice. It’s more sultry and dignified to me.

Unless this is just a dude in a Renamon outfit... uh oh! Ken don’t do it! It’s a trap!

Ken took a second look at her. "Renamon, you realise I'm a guy, right?" Ken asked tentatively.

Um... okay... are you implying she’s a lesbian or that she’s a Digimon. I can’t tell. It has to be the latter, otherwise why would you be trying to have sex with someone you knew doesn’t swing that way?

Renamon nodded

"I don't mind as long as you are ready to party..."

Renamon: I even brought the streamers and balloons! Let’s kick it.

her voice was quickly beginning to worry Ken,

I would worry me too to be honest since she sounds more like a crazed homeless man than Renamon.

he saw she was already under the covers so he leaned in to kiss her. His lips touched hers and he touched her cheek, slipping down her neck he paused, he felt a lump, well he'd tell her after, after all, if he got lucky she could go to the doctors alone.

Three things, one, you’re a douche bag, two you don’t get lumps on your neck when you have breast cancer, three THIS SHOULD BE A DEAD GIVE AWAY THAT THIS ISN’T RENAMON! Or at least not a female one!

His hand slipped further down and he felt for breasts, there were none.

Again, you should be smart enough to figure it out. Unless of course you prescribe to the fact female foxes don’t have breasts... well not like how we do at least.

He felts Renamon's furry paw feel out his own body with smooth, but effective movements. "Two seconds" he said with a face full of her saliva, he reached over and updated his status and turned back

You just had to jump on facebook and tell everyone you were getting laid didn’t you? You know what, have sex with the transvestite Renamon, I don’t care, you deserve it.

"Where were we?" he asked with a grin. Renamon lunged in and began to kiss him rapidly, working her way down. As she did he continued probing. As he reached waist height he prepared to help Renamon as she was helping him. As he did he paused, he felt something that was like a pole, a metal shaft of sorts.

This would be the point I’d tell you to run, but I don’t fucking care. You were asking for this dipstick.

"Renamon did you bring a weapon into the bedroom?" Ken asked.

If you can call it a weapon.

"Only one" Renamon replied. Ken nodded

"Fine, let's move it then" he said with a smile.

"I think you'd love it if it were still attached" Renamon said with a wink.

SURPRISE BUTTSECKS!

Ken screamed for help, but no one heard when his mouth was full of fur. Several hours later Renamon stumbled home, carrying his boxers and a smile. Ken was never the same.

We’ve all learned a valuable lesson here folks, when a Renamon doesn’t sound like a sexy fox lady don’t try anything. And Adam’s apples are the easiest way to find out what you’re dealing with.

________________________________________
Comment on anything from grammar, spelling and general plotline. I relish critique's so please provide them.

Well, okay, that shit was stupid as all hell and relatively tame by lemon standards. Your twist was predictable and your main character was a douchebag. I’m happy he got raped by a male digimon with a strap on. So much for being disturbed, it’s like today’s horror films. I can’t be disturbed if it’s what I want to happen to the ashsole.

I hope it was funny,

It wasn’t.

and not too perverted,

Again, it wasn’t.

as I really don't think I could do perverted.

You can’t.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Well that’s it for that story, Male Renamon or dude in Renamon outfit, fucks Ken in the ass! With a strap on apparently. Let that sink into your nightmares for awhile folks.

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Feb 5 2012, 04:45 PM

[yousodumb]

I agree to the bafflement behind the sexulazation of renamon, and therefore approve of this thread. Also, a fact that you probably dont care about, in the original japaneese series, renamon was a male. Stew on that for a while. Also, I think the last author was pokeing fun at the sexulazation, so he may be smarter than we think. May being the operative word.

This post has been edited by yousodumb: Sep 3 2011, 12:39 PM

[Lizard-Man]

Actually Renamon in the Japanese series is female. You're thinking of the German Dub of it that decided to make her a male. Originally Renamon was sexually ambiguous in the first cut of Tamers in Japan, but eventually they gave her a feminine personality and a girl voice actor to boot.

People tend to confuse what Renamon ment when she said Digimon aren't divded into genders. The truth of the matter is they're like the Asari from Mass Effect, Gender doesn't really mean anything to them. They're bit of data that have assembled into construct flesh and blood beings. Renamon is merely female because that's what her digital code has recognized her as. Guilmon, Terriermon and all the rest are not Male or female in our sense or perspective.

Renamon appears female and sounds as such because that is how her programming has compiled her. Like an Asari isn't technically Female, niether is she. She may have the characteristics, but she isn't a girl in the same sense your sister is for example.

Truth be told Renamon can be a guy or girl in these stories, it doesn't matter. This is about people who write about Renamon having sex with humans. Regardless of gender of both parties that is the only requisite for a fanfic appearing here. Renamon having sex with Guilmon or Impmon isn't gonna raise any eyebrows, they're Digimon after all.

I'm trying to show the mistakes people make when they decide to write this stuff. This is complex subject matter, a relationship between an AI and an organic being. It deserves the proper writer to tell it. Not a bunch of horny teenagers.

I doubt that was the author's full intention. I believe he more or less just got dared into writing a Renamon/Human story. He probably hit up the Fanfic generator and miraculously ended up with something that said "Renamon - Sodomy - French Fries"

It's the only plausible reason I can see for why Ken keeps stuffing his face with the fries. He probably stuffed in a bit of other requisite jabs at the fandom, but it still doesn't make this shit any less reprehensible. The main character is an asshole and the story's twist can be seen a mile away.

[KillerLoli]

The first story was boring and pointless. The second story was slightly better only because Ken was a horny jerk who got a nasty surprise.

[Lizard-Man]

Welcome to another tale of hot Renamon on Human action. Well, maybe not today, this one isn’t rated M after all. But it has a human going out with Renamon on a date, so that counts for something. Also today’s fanfic is somewhat interesting because Renamon, being on of my favourite characters, is dating a character from tamers that I hated the most... next to his friend Kenta of course.



This is Kazu Shioda and he was the most annoying part of the show for me when it originally ran. He was an obnoxious little asshat who thought he was hot shit but in reality he was the biggest fucking idiot in the entire world! His friend Kenta was a close second for earning my ire. He wasn’t obnoxious, he was just Kazu’s sad little toadie who whined constantly about his life and was more often than not totally useless. Just like Kazu was. I attributed both of them as surfer dudes, or Bill and Ted if they were horrendously unfunny and uncool.

When I went back and watched the series they weren’t as bad as I first thought of them, particularly when they finally got Digimon of their own they really stepped up and actually fucking did something for a change. Instead of being a bunch of fucking retarded asshats who latched on to our main heroes like parasites.

And now Kazu is trying to get into the non-existent pants of Renamon, the digimon partner of the girl he despises so readily, Rika. Why Kazu disliked Rika is not much of a mystery. Rika doesn’t like him because he is a dumbass. Therefore Kazu doesn’t like her in kind because she doesn’t treat him like anything but a big useless piece of shit. Which he is more often than not. Also Rika is a girl and is infinitely a better Digimon Tamer than Kazu is, so he’s jealous mostly.

Well, let’s see how he works around this fact when he dates Rika’s surrogate big sister.

----------------------------------------------

Wow, I have never, ever written a story this quickly.

Cranking out shit is easy. We do it every day.

About four or five hours it took for 3654 words.

Fuck man, I write 10 thousand words in half that amount of time! You're a fucking choir boy compared to me!

However, when I get an idea in my head, it's very difficult to stop. Beer helps as well, I just make sure to proof read it when I've sobered up.

Yeah, I’m sure the rampant alcoholism does wonders for your story’s structure. I can sense this is going to go down hill fast.

Oh, and I promise this will be the last Kazu story for a while. Mainly because I promised a friend I'd do a yaoi sex story next (he's a pervert... in a good way... kind of).

Why your male friend wants to watch a gay sex scene is peculiar. He is either gay, likely, or you’ve confused Yaoi and yuri with one another. It happens.

But I promise you, this story has a pairing you've probably never seen before,

Well at least that’s true, I’ve never in my life seen a Kazu and Renamon shipper story... ever. This dude’s shit is the first time I’ve seen this happen.

or at least I've never seen it before.

I do not own Digimon, or anything else for that matter apart from the few meagre items in my rented flat.

I’m assuming this means you have the card game and several figurines. That’s a given, but I’m wondering if you have that overpriced bootleg copy of any of the series on you. Considering the bootlegs are the only way you’re ever gonna actually be able to watch the series on TV again barring playing the torrented files through your game console. I also hope you just use those toys for decoration and nothing involving... other activities. Or is that only reserved to your friend?

Enjoy!

Imagine an ordinary bedroom of a supposedly normal teenager.

Okay, done. I’m picturing discarded condom packets, dirty laundry everywhere and game console with several opened boxes of cold shitty pizza strewn around it.

Now imagine an unordinary conversation and an interesting conclusion from a not so normal brain.

Um, okay, I guess I could imagine Peter Parker talking with Mary Jane about the latest super-villain he fought recently.

'Dude, I'm bored,' moaned Kazu leaning back in his chair. Kenta ignored him and continued reading his comic sprawled out on Kazu's bed. 'Bored, bored, bored, sooooo bored!'

Kenta: Well we got some time before the soccer game? Wanna have sex?

Kazu: Unless you’re a furry yellow fox, the answer is no.

'Kazu, what will it take to shut you up?' sighed Kenta.

'I'm only trying to make conversation chumley,' said Kazu,

Kazu’s definition of conversation is being an annoying little whinny bitch. See why I hate him?

'I am more bored than a gay guy at a soccer match.'

Kazu: Homophobe

Kenta rolled his eyes, 'I'm sure some gay guys like soccer, Kazu.'

'Yeah right, sure they do,' he said sarcastically.

'Have you ever even met a gay guy?' asked Kenta putting down his comic.

Bit defensive aren’t we? Just come out of the friggin closet already Kenta, you’re fooling no one.

'Well... no, but... that's not the point,' answered Kazu, 'The point is, I'm bored.'

'What am I supposed to do about that?'

Secretly Kenta wanted fix this problem and finally reveal his true feelings. But alas, it was not meant to be. They were from two different worlds.

'Nothing dude. It's just ever since Takato and Henry got girlfriends, we've been left practically alone.'

Well unlike you two I’m sure those two girls are intelligent, interesting and not fucking balls to the wall annoying as fuck. Also, they can have sex with them too. So you’re kinda outmatched.

'Them and Rika and Jeri still hang around with us Kazu,' said Kenta, 'Just because they want time to themselves sometimes, doesn't mean they're abandoning us.'

It just means they’re having a rocking foursome near the lake every Saturday is all.

'Yeah, but they get to talk about couple stuff, and they get to double date... dude, we need girlfriends.'

You’re realising this only now Kazu? Seriously?

Well at the very least Kenta must be ecstatic at the prospect of possibly doing Kazu in his ass.

'And where do you expect to magic these women who can put up with you from?'

'Hey! I said we need girlfriends!' shouted Kazu, 'Plural, dude!'

He has a point there Kenta, if you weren’t a queer I doubt any member of the fairer sex would be able to stomach you either.

'As long as I've got MarineAngemon, I don't desperately need to go out looking for women,' Kenta said with a smirk.



OH GOD MY EYES! THE EYES IN MY HEAD! THEY BURN! OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY!? WHY THE FUCK!?

'Stupid cute Digimon,' grumbled Kazu,

That is all you have to say about the fact your friend has sex with his Digimon partner! WHO IS SEVERAL TIMES SMALLER THAN HIM!!! Are you not disturbed at all?

'What am I supposed to do? Guardromon's cool and all but he's hardly pussy magnet!'

Oh I see, you thought it meant Kenta gets a lot of girls running up to him like a man with a cute puppy in his arms. Sorry, that is not how I read it, because that didn’t sound at all like what he was implying!

'How many times do I have to tell you,' sighed Kenta. 'It's referring to things like that that mean you're not gonna get a girlfriend.'

'Oh come on! Who wouldn't want to go out with the mighty BlackWarKazumon!'

'Someone with half a brain cell?'

OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! BURN!

'Ha freaking ha Kenta.'

Truth hurts buddy.

Kazu got up and started to pace the room. 'All I need to think of is who to target. What girls are there in our class?'

You mean what girls in your class are actually in your league right? Cause that’s a small number to be sure.

'Well, there's Natsuki,' Kenta began.

'Too bitchy, always thinks she's right.'

With you, she probably is.

'Bit like you then,' muttered Kenta.

'What?'

Kenta: I said you have a fine ass.

'Erm, nothing, what about Ayako?'

'Too emotional.'

Always crying about every little thing, like if she spills milk. It’s embarrassing.

'Chou?'

'Too thin, I'm sure she's anorexic or something.'

Maybe she has a medical condition jackass!

'Yuki?'

'Too boring. Like... super boring.'

It’s not her fault, her family works in a damn cracker factory. It comes with the life.

'Saki?'

'Too serious.'

I know someone who can resolve that:



'Nana?'

'Hates Digimon.'

Well fuck her then.

'And that's a negative enough point to ignore her?'

'When you've got a real life Digimon, yeah!'

Like we said, fuck her. We of course don’t mean literally.

'Fair enough, Setsuko?'

'Talks too much.'

She drinks Red Bull with her cereal.

'Yuuko?'

'Doesn't talk enough.'

Well sorry! Someone has something against mute people.

'Mio?'

'Bitchier than Natsuki.'

Would you say her bitch levels are up to 11?

'That's everyone in our class Kazu.'

Well you’re going to be alone forever then.

'You sure? I could have sworn there were more.'

'The only other one is Jeri and I don't think Henry would be that pleased if you hit on his girlfriend.'

AH! So Henry is with Jeri then? How’d that happen exactly? I guess things didn’t work out with Takato. Probably got too needy, Henry is more suitable for that kind of girl. He likes being the responsible one in any relationship. He enjoys the fact others are lost without him. He’s power mad like that.

'Arrgh,' screamed an annoyed Kazu. 'What other girls do we know?'

'We're nerdy,

Do not sully our creed with your stature good sir. You are undeserving of the nerd title.

we don't know any girls,' replied Kenta, 'Apart from Rika and the same rules apply for her that apply for Jeri. Although it's more than likely her that will beat you up than Takato.'

For we all know when Takato gets fucking pissed as hell people tend to die in a fire, courtesy of Guilmon.

'What about... Henry's sisters?' asked Kazu.

'The phrase "clutching at straws" comes to mind. You have no chance with Jaarin and if you fancy Suzie, I'm gonna have you chemically castrated.'

Oh just call in Dateline, they’d love to do a story on this. There’s no need for drastic steps just yet.

'Rika's mum?'

'Dude... seriously?'

'She's single, it might be worth a shot!'

Cake eater huh? Sorry, but I’m already doing one shotacon fanfic. I don’t need another.

'If you want Rika to murder you, then go for it.'

Kazu sat back down and sulked. Kenta could tell that Kazu's mind was trying to figure something out, and he dreaded to think what it would come up with.

It is a sick deranged place Kazu’s mind. Not even the best and bravest Psychonauts wanna go in there.

'AHA!' Kazu suddenly shouted.

'Oh god, what now?' asked Kenta.

'Dude, I've just thought of the perfect girl.'

'I'm sure you and this imaginary girl can have a lot of fun together.'

'Hey! She isn't imaginary.'

She’s a blow up doll! That’s tangible.

'Do we know her?'

'Of course we do. And she's perfect. She's smart, attractive, strong willed. She has a certain "foxy" allure you could say.'

The Seventies called Kazu, they want their slang back.

Kenta didn't like how Kazu had put that. 'I mean... you obviously don't mean...'

For the last time Kazu, Tails is not a girl! Ask any Sonic fanatic!

Kazu merely smiled back at him.

'Y-You don't... actually mean...' He was still smiling. 'Dude...'

'Why not?'

'B-But she's... dude!'

Let’s not get into that again shall we? We’ve had our fill of Secret Transvestite Renamon for awhile.

'Name one reason why she wouldn't go out with me!'

'I could name a million given enough time.

I'd list them myself, but it would take seventy pages and we’d be here all fucking night.

We are talking about the same person... well, not person... but... you mean Renamon don't you?'

'Of course! I don't know why I didn't think of it before!' said Kazu smugly.

I guess because you hadn’t dived headlong into the insanity pool.

'Okay, morality of Digimon/Human relations aside, let's think practically. She basically a furry version of Rika!'

Well not really. Yeah she's like Rika in a lot of ways, but less she’s prone to violence and spouts of anger. She’s a bit more reserved.

'She's not that bad Kenta! She's never beaten us up!'

'Yeah because without even trying she'd break us in half! Literally!'

And then she’d smoke a cigarette after and leave some money on the counter for you to hail a cab.

'She doesn't have Rika's anger issues dude.'

She went to a special class for that.

'Look,' said Kenta exasperated, 'If you're really gonna do this, I don't want anything to do with it. I'm wiping my hands of the whole affair.'

Poncius Pilate: I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Didn’t work out so well for my own reputation.

As Kenta got up to leave, Kazu asked, 'You really don't think I can do this do you?'

'Seriously Kazu, you haven't got a chance. I'd bet a billion yen on it.'

So, 50 American Dollars?

'How about we make it more interesting, say a real sum like, 5000 yen.'

'Come on Kazu, I don't have any disposable income like that!'

Oh I’m sure I can rustle up two Lincolns if you give me a few minutes.

'Alright, something else then.'

Kazu looked around his room and smirked when his eyes landed on something.

'Okay then,' he said. 'If I don't get a date with Renamon, you can have my Playstation.'

Kazu of course ment his PS1, he wasn’t stupid enough to give up the machine that had cost him 599 US Dollars.

'What?' said a surprised Kenta. 'But you only just got that thing?'

'Yeah so,' shrugged Kazu,

Kazu is really REALLY behind the times when it comes to games consoles.

'I'm that confident, and if, or should I say when, I charm Renamon, you, have to spend an entire day pretending to be a girl.

Well that’s certainly easy enough.

I get to pick a dress for you to wear, a name for your new feminine personality and you have to speak like a girl as well. Oh, and makeup, lots of makeup.'

So, not just a girl, you want him to be a whore? Huh, kinda cruel actually.

'So, it's your Playstation, against me in drag?'

'Exactly dude. Unless of course, you think I will get a date with Renamon?'

Kenta didn't think it over long and shook Kazu's hand. 'You've got yourself a deal. I'll be back in a week to pick up my new Playstation. Try not to cry too much when she turns you down.'

Kenta: I’ll be playing Resistance 3 in no time sucker!

'Yeah, well... err...' Kazu couldn't think of a comeback before Kenta walked out of the door. 'Dammit!'

Lack of wit and intelligence, at the very least Kazu is in character.

________________________________________

'Okay Guardromon, let's brainstorm. How can I get Renamon to go on a date with me?'

Trick her? Blackmail? Nah, too subtle, probably best to just go to her grovelling and begging for her to let you take her out for a dinner and a movie.

Guadromon was still drowsy from been suddenly woken up and so still didn't quite comprehend what Kazu had explained to him.
'
What is this "date" thing you keep going on about Kazu?'

Guardromon is assretarded you see.

'You know, it's a... date, as in going out together,' explained Kazu.

'Well that makes it perfectly clear.'

Kazu missed Guadromon's sarcasm completely,

Kazu never understood the concept period to be precise.

'So, is there any special way of seducing a Digimon?'

'You have to seduce her to go on this date?'

'Of course!

Well you’re fucked then. Hope you didn’t like playing Uncharted, cause you ain’t gonna be playing it anytime soon.

But are female Digimon any different from female humans?'

'I wouldn't know.'

Just had to end up with the virgin for a Digimon didn’t ya Kazu?

'How couldn't you know! You're a male Digimon, how would you get a girlfriend?'

'First of all Kazu,' explained Guadromon, 'Digimon don't do things like humans. We practically mate for the sole purpose of reproducing.

I don’t really think Digimon mate at all actually, if they ever have sex it’s probably just for pleasure. Like most cybersex is to be sure.

And secondly, I'm a Machine Digimon, I don't reproduce like you might think. What happens is, I...'

'Dude!' interupted Kazu, 'I really don't want to know how you make little baby Guadromons.'

It’s called a factory assembly line you dolt! It’s not exactly pornographic unless you’re into that sort of thing!

Kazu grabbed a piece of paper and a pen off his desk.

'Looks like I'll have to do it the old fashioned way, now what do women like?'

Oh boy here we go, this should be fun.

Kazu thought for a moment before he started writing stuff down. 'Flowers! They like flowers, they smell nice and look good. And they're cheap! And err... poetry! Women like poetry, oh, except I don't know how to write poems.'

It wouldn’t have helped if you did son.

'How about, "There once was a Mon from..."'

'I mean proper poetry Guardromon, not one of your dirty limericks! Hmm, I'll come back to that. Women like... err, when you dress nice.'

'Somehow I think Renamon, who walks around without clothes all the time, won't be that bothered about your dress sense.'

I hope you are not suggesting he goes naked. My mind needs enough bleach already after Kenta admitted what he does to his digimon.

'Yeah, well, it always pays to look nice.'

Kazu spent the next couple of hours coming up with ideas and disregarding some of them.

If he was smart he’d discard all of them. And he’d start saving up for a new console.

When he was finished he turned to a now very bored Guardromon, 'Kenta better start practising his high pitched girly voice, 'cause I'm gonna get this date or die trying!'

I hope you’re serious about the latter, because that likelihood is extremely plausible.

________________________________________

The sun was setting over Shinjuku park and as usual, a solitary figure stood guard in the trees above.

The job of the Sniper is a thankless and lonely one. The only company you have is you gun, your machete, and jars of piss.

Hmm, no trouble since Sunday. It's been a good week, she thought to herself.

For one, no potential earth shattering disasters of doom. That’s a welcome change from the norm. Usually in Tamers there’s always some Digimon Napoleon Wannabe who wants to take over earth every couple of days.

However, her ears suddenly twitched when in the distance she heard someone shouting.

'Renamon! Where are you, Renamon?'

Is that... Kazu?

Of course it is, who else has that annoying high-pitched voice?

Confused, she set out towards the source of the noise and soon came across Kazu of all people. As she dropped down from the trees, she noticed Kazu's appearance had changed considerably.

I wonder, is he dressed as a T-Bird or a Football jock. I know I’m stuck in 1950’s stereotypes here, but damn it if there was one thing I liked about Grease it was the style of clothing! Leather jackets rock, its why I wore Butch’s jacket for awhile in the Capital Wasteland. Tunnel Snakes rule!

Gone were the same old clothes he always wore,

Um, doesn’t every kid on this show wear the same damn thing every day?

replaced by a smart shirt and tie.

I’m sorry I just, I just can’t picture Kazu in something that does not scream slacker. I can’t. I may sound a bit like Mr. Strickland but damn it people I think Kazu, I think slacker.

He'd even got rid of the visor completely and his hair seemed well trimmed and neat for once.

Again, can’t see it!

One of his hands was obscured behind his back whilst the other held a small piece of paper in front of him.

Must be his notes, they consist of two things “Don’t stare at boobs” and “Don’t ask when her legs are open.”

'Ahem,' Kazu cleared his throat and then started reading from the piece of paper.

Kazu: Milk, bread, eggs- oh wait wrong paper.

'She moves as gracefully as a summers breeze,

As she jumps from branch to branch amongst the trees,

Are you comparing Renamon to a spider monkey?

She is of course Renamon, the golden fox,

And if you're honest, you know she rocks,

That doesn’t really rhyme you know.

She's fiery, bold, brave and true,

When she attacks her enemies, they don't have a clue,

So what you’re saying is they’re distracted because with all the flips and cartwheels they’re thinking with their other head?

So call me crazy and put me in the stocks,

Gladly.

But I'll always love Renamon, the golden fox.'

Kazu put the piece of paper away and brought his other hand out from behind his back, revealing a bouquet of flowers.

'These are for you,' he said giving them to Renamon, 'I didn't know what you'd like, so I thought daffodils would be appropriate because of the colour.'

Could’ve been worse, he could’ve picked dandelions.

Renamon took the flowers and stood in silence, speechless for the first time in her life.

She’s been speechless before, like when Rika gave her a gift for the first time ever.

'Kazu,' she finally said, 'Are you feeling okay? Have you fallen on your head or something?'

Well the doctor dropped him on it, but his parents totally got a settlement from the hospital for it. They’re set for life now. That’s why they call Kazu their little paycheck.

'I'm fine Renamon,' he said smoothly, 'Can a guy not buy a girl some flowers and tell her she's pretty?'

No, but when that girl isn’t even technically flesh and blood and is in reality bits 0’s and 1’s formed into a physical manifestation then it gets a bit iffy.

'What are you up to?' asked Renamon suspiciously.

Have you ever watched “Beavis and Butthead Do America?”

'I was wondering if you would like to go on a date with me?' Kazu said bluntly.

'A date? As in what Takato and Rika go on.'

'And what Henry and Jeri get up to and what millions of couples around the world do. Yes, a date.'

Start backing away now Renamon.

Renamon was once again stunned into silence. She was never one to give away much with her facial expression but her current one was clearly screaming to Kazu, "Are you crazy?"

I’d more likely imagine it said this:



'Okay look,' sighed Kazu, 'I'll be honest with you, I've got a bet on with Kenta. If I can get a date with you, he has to cross dress for an entire day but if I don't he gets my Playstation. So... what do you say?'

So you’ve just admitted you’re only doing for your own self-interest and not because you fancy her. And Kenta said you had no charisma when it came to girls. I’m surprised they ain’t lining up to date you.

________________________________________
'HE DID WHAT!'

Rika's scream was heard several streets away from the Nonaka home causing several babies to wake up and a couple of stray dogs to flee in terror.

Lovers of the Night! Step into the light! Can you hear the Banshee? Can you hear the Banshee... screammmm!!!!

'He asked me on a date,' repeated Renamon.

'And what did you say?' asked Rika, barely keeping her boiling anger under control.

Better tell her now Renamon, even if you’re just joking she’d probably have a heart attack or something.

'I left him there without an answer, I thought it would be less insulting than a straightforward no.'

See this is why I like Renamon, she knows exactly how to react to every scenario no matter how insanely out of left field it is.

'This time he's gone too far!' shouted Rika,

Rika: I’m calling in the big guns on this! US Navy owes me one cruise missile damn it!

banging her fist on the table hard enough to make even Renamon jump slightly. 'I said before I'm gonna kill him, this time I'm literally gonna do it!

Oh boy I’ll get the mustard gas!

What the hell made him even think about doing this?'

'He said he had bet with Kenta,' replied Renamon.

'A bet?'

'Yes, if he could get a date with me, Kenta had to cross dress for a day, but since he didn't, Kenta gets Kazu's Playstation.'
Renamon saw Rika's expression slowly change from one of anger to a very evil smile. She didn't like where this was going.

Rika: Hmm, on hand Kazu doesn’t suffer and die, but on the other his fellow idiot is publically humiliated. Oh the choices one must make in life. So difficult to pick.

________________________________________

'I must say, it's weird of you to ask me to hang out with you alone Rika,' said Kenta as they both walked down the street.

'We are friends, remember Kenta?

Rika: Now walk with me down this dark alleyway with this bag over your head till we’re far enough away that no one can hear you scream.

Besides, gogglehead's birthday is coming up and you've known him for longer than me, so I need your help picking out a present.'

Oh just get some lingerie, that will be a present enough for him.

Rika's friendly tone was incredibly unnerving to Kenta. Nevermind that she suddenly called him out the blue and asked him to go shopping with her, the fact that she hadn't made a single joke or thrown an insult at him yet made Kenta think something was terribly wrong.

Well that and the twelve foot machete she was lugging around in plain sight.

They went through several shops not really paying attention to anything in particular. Rika then started leading Kenta away from the main shopping district.

'Err, Rika, where are we going?'

'Oh, I know a couple of shops we could try. Just follow me,' she said with a smile.

Rika then put on a pig mask for some reason as they entered a slaughterhouse.

Rika never smiles like that thought Kenta, This is it isn't it? She's gonna lead me down a dark alley and then put a bullet in the back of my head.

Oh please, that’s far too quick and painless.

Little did Kenta know that Rika's plans were slightly different than that. As they passed a cinema, Rika stopped. 'I need a break, let's sit here and rest for a while.'

'Erm, okay,' said Kenta.

They both sat down on a bench opposite the cinema entrance. Whilst Kenta tried to start a conversation, Rika's eyes were fixed firmly on the cinema and so Kenta resigned himself to staring at the floor.

Rika was just so surprised and horrified. How were The Smurfs still in bloody theatres!?!

Eventually, after about ten minutes, she spoke, 'Well look what we have here?'

'Huh?'

Kenta looked up at Rika to see her still staring at the cinema. He followed her line of sight and soon saw what she had spotted. A film had clearly just finished as a crowd of people exited the cinema. But standing out of the crowd, was a tall yellow fox, which in Shinjuku was nothing weird.

Yes Renamon walking around in plain sight, nothing weird. Either the world knows Digimon exist and jsut doesn’t care or a furry convention is in town and, again, they just don’t care.

What was weird, was the teenage boy that had his arm round her waist.

I’m guessing Rika told her she had to let him do that otherwise it wouldn’t be attached anymore.

'K-K... Kazu!' stuttered Kenta.

Rika stood up and waved the two of them over.

'So,' she said, 'Did you enjoy the film?'

It wasn’t the Smurfs thus making it good by default.

'Yeah, although I think we've both seen scarier things in real life than in any horror ever made,' replied Kazu.

So you saw Final Destination 5 I guess.

'What are you two doing now then?'

'We were going to go for a meal, Kazu knows a place where they won't ask questions about me been a Digimon,' answered Renamon.

I can now just imagine surly waiters decrying that “We don’t serve your kind here’s” in a Southern Accent.

'Kenta, dude, you okay?'

Kazu's voice was barely acknowledged by Kenta but managed to produce a small squeak from the almost paralysed Tamer. As Renamon and Kazu walked off, Rika turned to Kenta as he came out of his trance.

She was now holding a big rocket launcher in her hands and said “It’s time to die.”

What? I watched Invasion USA recently, it’s on my mind for the moment.

'I'm guessing you knew about this Rika?' he asked.

'I don't know what you're talking about,' Rika said with a smile that clearly said she did. 'Now come on, we're gonna go do something that I might actually enjoy for the first time in my life.'

'Which is?'

'We're going dress shopping of course!'

Ha! Ha! Ha! My Girlfriend’s a Fox will be right back after these messages.

________________________________________

'It's been a good week guys,' said Kazu happily as he leant against the side of Guilmon's hut. 'I've got a girlfriend and Kenta's been humiliated.'

Well I suppose it’s cool that at least one of you got humiliated. Better than nothing I say.

Both Takato and Henry looked at each other, knowing that Kazu didn't have a girlfriend and his date with Renamon was merely a setup.

Well duh! The morality of cross species relations aside, there’s no way Kazu would ever be able to bag Digimon’s breakout sex symbol character!

However, they kept silent knowing that the other person here had to be kept in the dark.

'How you holding up there Mimi?' asked Takato.

'I hate you guys so much.'

Of course, Kenta's situation had much to do with Rika's sense of humour. She'd purposely dressed Kenta almost exactly like Mimi from the first series of the Digimon anime in order to make him look as girly as possible.

Oh great guys, thanks! Now whenever I picture Mimi I’m gonna be thinking of Kenta of all people dressed as her! Must you take away my joy at seeing him punished? Must you? Couldn’t you have picked Zoey or Yolei? God, these fanfics are single handily ruining every one of my fan service material!

She had several other ideas, but thought Kenta would look more ridiculous in the hat.

Well I’ll give her that, only Mimi really manages to pull the pink cowgirl look off.

'Now, now Mimi. What has happened to your voice?' asked Kazu mockingly.

Kenta growled at him before repeating himself in a much higher voice. 'I said, I hate you guys so much!'

Heh, heh, okay I guess it’s still sorta worth it seeing the fucker suffer.

As the guys laughed at him, the hut was lit up with a flash. Turning towards the door, the guys saw Rika and Jeri standing there and Jeri was holding a camera.

'Aww, man, do we have to have pictures?'

Yes, because life hates you Kenta, and deservedly so.

'Voice Mimi!' pointed out Henry.

'I said, argh, you know what I said!'

'Sorry Kenta,' said Jeri, 'When Ryo found out what happened, he said he wanted to see pictures.'

This raises several questions about Ryo I don’t care to see answered.

'Oh by the way, Kazu,' said Rika, 'Your "girlfriend" wants to talk to you outside.'

This took Kazu by surprise, but realising Kenta was still here, he kept up the pretense.

Well we don’t want to ruin everyone’s fun, nor enjoyment.

'Well, boyfriend duties await. You never know Mimi, maybe you'll get a nice guy like me one of these days.'

Kazu left a fuming Kenta and exited the hut. Standing to one side leaning against a tree, was Renamon.

'Err, hey. You wanted to talk to me?'

'Erm, yes, yes I did.'

Renamon: You realise everything that happened last night was not serious. We got drunk, things got out of hand. Those pictures need to be destroyed. Like now.

This was a new one to Kazu. Renamon seemed to be nervous for some reason.

'Thank you for the date the other day,' she said quickly avoiding looking at Kazu directly.

'Oh,' he said surprised, 'Well, yeah, no problem. I should be the one thanking you anyway. I might have not had a Playstation by now hehe.'

Kazu: Wanna play co-op with me on Killzone 3?

Renamon: Not really no, but if you got Uncharted I’ll consider it. I wanna see Drake’s ass running away from the camera myself. See if it’s as toned as people say it is.

The two of them went into a very awkward silence, until Kazu decided to take a gamble.

Luck be a lady, tonight! Luck be a lady, tonight!

'You know... I-If you want, we could... go on another date, at some point. I mean... If you want to, it's up to you, I don't...'

'I'd like that,' Renamon interupted.

Clearly Renamon is suffering from some kind of head injury.

'Well... great, err...' Kazu suddenly noticed how the distance between the two of them had shrunk massively since the start of the conversation and for the first time they were looking into each others eyes. Before Kazu knew what was happening, Renamon suddenly leant down slightly and planted a light kiss on his lips. She pulled away after only a few seconds.

Realising it tasted like a chilli dog with extra onions she found the nearest trash bin and threw up into it.

'Tomorrow night. I'll meet you at your place at seven,'

“Bring the beer.” She added

she said before doing her usual disappearing act.

Renamon: The Great Houdini!

A quarter of an hour later, concerned as to where Kazu had got to, the others came out of Guilmon's hut, only to find Kazu passed out on the ground but with a very contented smile on his face.

He’s gonna get laid... eventually.

Aww, I like this story. Then again I wrote it so it'd be weird if I didn't.

Don’t be so modest buddy.

All the Japanese girls names were supplied off of the internet, so if any of them aren't actually names or are usually boys names or something, blame the internet... and my lack of understanding of Japanese.

You know most name sites indicate whether or not it’s for a boy or girl.

Also, I was really pleased how the poem came out. You may have realised, I can't write poetry,

NOOOOO! Really?

but that doesn't matter because Kazu clearly can't either.

Yeah I agree, I think this is the one time we’ve seen a poem in this story where it’s awfulness is justified as it is in character for Kazu to suck immensely.

I also like the idea that Guardromon knows loads of dirty limericks.

Why would a robot understand the concept of dirty limericks anyway?

Anyway, enough of me blowing my own trumpet, I hope you enjoyed the story, TTFN!

--------------------------------------------

I bet you’re all wondering what I thought of the story then? Well, it’s concept was stupid, I hated Kazu and Kenta in general and Renamon actually falling for him pissed me off a bit.

But, on the other hand, everyone stayed in character, it was short, there was nothing explicitly pornographic or needlessly sexual and Kenta was humiliated like he rightly deserved. All in all, I guess it wasn’t bad. Not good, but certainly there is enjoyment to be found. There are potentially worse fanfics out there.

Like this fanfic said.... it's been a good week.

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Feb 5 2012, 04:50 PM

[Qmark]

I actually didn't mind Kenta that much, mostly 'cause I always felt sorry for the guy. Kazu, on the other hand, is a different story, though at least after he got Guardromon he tried to be helpful to the other Tamers. Emphasis on "tried".

[Rhadamanthus]

I agree, that third one wasn't really that terrible. Also I liked the Brocas Helm lyrics.

[Lizard-Man]

It’s that time, time to see what human Renamon is boning today! Well we haven’t had a proper Takato/Renamon story yet, the first one was more like “A girl and a Guy hang out together and do random bullshit”, these two are more proper Takato/Renamon stories. Why two? Cause they’re made by the same author, and fuck me if I don’t have an overblown amount of commentary for one of these things. I need space to grow guys! I need meat on some bones! It’s why I don’t review stories that are less than 1500 words. It ain’t mocking material.

Anywho, in this story... Takato is dead. Kinda ruins the romance I guess. But it’s a tragic romance ya see, forbidden love that could never be and all that Romeo and Juliet shit kids aspire to. But don’t worry, I’m sure Renamon mourning over her dead human boyfriend will still be just as creepy and wrong as RenaEmperor or any of these stories were for a matter of fact.

----------------------------------------------------

Funeral for a friend

Plus two weddings.

Disclaimer: The standard. I don't own Digimon, nor do I own the song "The Touch" by Stan Bush. (which will appear exclusively at the site until drops the uprising against songfics.)

Oh boy! Now I get to make Transformers jokes! But no Michael Bay related ones, cause those are too easy.

Notes: This is a "what if" songfic story,

You mean like those shitty one shots Marvel puts out every year after their events fail to be entertaining? Speaking of which, look for “What if...? Fear Itself” in stores later this year where we ask the question “What if Captain America brought back FDR to punch Fear in the face?” Oh like it’s any stupider than the standard “What if the heroes lost?” bullcrap they do with every single fucking what if story. Honestly, shake it up Marvel, come up with something unique for your crappy oneshot, AKA, last hurrah at squeezing this event for all it’s worth.

which diverges from the battle between Megidramon and Beelzemon, set about two months after the end of Tamers.

If you’re wondering who Megidramon is he’s Guilmon’s super-evil Mega transformation that Takato makes him go into when the kid losses his shit. Only happened once but still...

All will be explained at the end (or better yet, in responses to reviews),

So most of us who don’t feel like correcting your shitty mistakes only to be bitched at and will never get answers to the stupid shit you put us through.

Wait why do I care anyway? It’s a What If fanfic! What Ifs are lame almost 75 percent of the time and they’re automatically non-canon so no one cares. Hell they basically make half of them to shut up fans of certain story ideas they could never do or won’t. Like the What If where they made the wedding between Mary Jane and Peter Parker never happen and... Oh wait.

if there are any questions.

I’m sure there’ll be plenty.

The song has a unique purpose in this story.

Yeah it reminds me I could be watching Transformers instead of this.

The usual key applies, BTW. If you don't know it by now, check out some of my other works. .

I wouldn’t leave my keys just hanging around like that be frank, let alone in my published fanfiction.

The only exception this time is that it is also used for the songs, which will be centered. Enjoy. .

Secondary note: READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STORY!

You ain’t my mom! You can’t tell me what to do! NYEH!

It had been almost impossible to believe. Certainly Ruki Makino would not have believed it. Yet there it was in front of her. Oblong, oak, and- or so it seemed to her- laughing in her face.

The world’s only wooden misshapen clown, they spared no expense for this party.

Jenrya Lee sat not that far from the red-blonde haired female Tamer,

Why the hell do people keep screwing up hair colours lately? Rika’s a redhead, plain and simple. Where the fuck did you get the idea she’s blonde?

Terriermon perched on his shoulder. For once, the wiseass wisely said nothing sarcastic.

Although he was tempted to make several puns relating to stiffs, corpses and cadavers, he supposed basic human dignity should have won out but damn it he spent all night on these zingers and now they were going to waste!

Of course, Jenrya would have desperately welcomed any attempt to lighten the mood, even as he was sure at the same time that he would have attempted to strangle his partner for doing so.

Terriermon suddenly shouted out “Well this scene is sure DEAD! Kinda wish there was a way to LIVEN UP all these sad-sack STIFFS already. I mean Christ guys, I’m DYING of boredom!”

Terriermon’s trachea was of course crushed soon after.

Not too far from him were Renamon, Guardromon, Hirokazu, Kenta, and MarineAngemon. The humans and Renamon looked sad. Guardromon and MarineAngemon however, looked perplexed.

They kept wondering why everyone was staring at the sleeping human and why they were pouring dirt on him. Shouldn’t they try to wake him up? Was this just how humans sleep? Well far be it from to question their weird ass customs.

Juri Katou was, understandably, the farthest of the group from the casket. Having lost both her mother, and then much later her partner Leomon, it was astonishing to everyone present that she was even here.

Still they had the men from the asylum on stand-by just in case she went completely fucking crazy and tried to decapitate several people with a shovel in a mad dash to dig up the body and caress it lovingly.

Even more startling, was that not too far from her, was Impmon! Given the circumstances, Tamers and Digimon both were surprised to see him not only even being here, but being so close by Juri.

I’m sure she’s fine, that big old machete she’s lugging around is just part of her religious custom. Why would she lie?

What Ruki found startling was that she didn't even feel that she had enough strength to get up, walk over, and strangle the little Digimon to death.

Jeri doesn’t do that kind of thing. She just listens, and waits. Waits for the moment to strike. Waits for her time to come. For she is the hunter and all that defy her are her prey.

She was more surprised that Renamon hadn't managed it, though she could tell just by looking at her partner that she damned well wanted to, but seemed to be holding herself back for the sake of everyone present.

Renamon also prefers to listen and wait. That and she didn’t want to be implicated in the crime. She already had a sniper situated six blocks away taking aim at Impmon’s pudgy head, ready to bust it open like a ripe melon.

As for Impmon, he looked genuinely remorseful.

Just like Charles Manson.

Little Shaochung Lee seemed confused, which was understandable.

After all he was getting dragged away from his Sesame Street tapes to see some sleeping guy he never knew getting plopped into the ground. He just wanted some damn milk already! And he wanted to find out what other words start with the letter E! He was in serious suspense here!

Lopmon, however, she understood this all too well.

She’s gotten used to death. Fox has killed so many good shows before their time. It was hard to take at first, but she accepted it as a fact of life that executives hate the things she loves. Now once that pipe bomb she’s been working on is assembled she can get even more used to it.

As they stood there, each had their own thoughts running through their heads,

Kenta: Why won’t Kazu love me? I love him. Does he not understand how much I long for him? Maybe if I act even more like his bitch he’ll finally accept me.

Henry: Oh god, did I leave the stove on. Shit. Well, there goes our apartment. Dad’s gonna be bringing out the paddle no doubt. Best get on the next plane to Hawaii.

Rika: I’m thinking of getting a new jacket. I don’t know why I got rid of my awesome leather from early on in the series. That thing was bitching.

Kazu: Mmmm, pizza pockets. Sweet. Gonna make some of that shit tonight.


as did their famililes,

Henry’s Dad: I am so gonna nail my wife hard tonight.

Takato’s Dad: I am gonna nail my wife so damn hard tonight.

Rika’s Mom: I am so gonna nail that Lizard creature hard tonight. What I’m divorced, what am I supposed to have sex with? Why are you in my head anyway?

and even yes, Yamaki himself.

Yamaki: I’m Steven Blum and have more voice acting credits than any man alive on this planet. Because I got the most badass voice ever, bitches.

They were all present. All to honor a fallen hero. Yamaki however, seemed perhaps far more disturbed than the rest of them. Why exactly, nobody coould say.

Maybe it’s because he saw the tapes between Takato and Renamon and seeing her looking so sad had only confirmed they were in fact genuine. He’d be forever haunted by those tapes now, and to think he had so easily dismissed them.

You never bend, you never break

Well until the spinal column went.

You seem to know just what it takes
You're a fighter
It's in the blood, it's in the will

We know cause we examined your blood when it was splattered across the ground.

It's in the mighty hands of steel

It’s true fans, Takato was a cyborg, and he wasn’t a total whinny bitch. Eat your heart out Davis Motomiya!

When you're standin' your ground
And you never get hit when your back's to the wall
Gonna fight to the end and you're takin' it all

Meanwhile the rest of us will run for cover while you take on the panzers. Good luck buddy!

You got the touch
You got the power

Does anyone else find it weird that they’re playing an 80’s Hard Rock song at the funeral of a dead child? I’m just saying it seems a bit inappropriate given the subject matter. Still, at least the residents are listening to good music. I want people to at least have good tunes at my funeral.

As surprising as all of this was, only Ruki seemed to be concered with these things.

Well yeah, this shit was running long and she needed to get back home to catch the late night showing of the latest SyFy original movie, “SquidSharkodile-Rex Versus CondorDactlyWasp!”

But then, her days as the ice cold Digimon Queen had more or less conditioned her to think about more than just the immediate things.

They had also forced her to forever keep her body encased in a suit that kept her body cold at all times unable to stand the heat. But she did get a bitchin’ ice gun out of the deal and an awesome robotic like voice, so she wasn’t too pissed off by it.

Her mind was primarily concerned with the immediate, but she couldn't help but wonder at why Yamaki seemed to be so pained by all of this.

Yamaki: If only I didn’t shove him down the stairs, I thought it would be funny!

Not that she had much time to ponder it, as a peal of thunder roared overhead, the inky blackness of the clouds settling over the sun.

Appropriate, I suppose. Ruki thought to herself.

About time you showed Mr. Cliche sad weather for funeral, was there traffic or something?

Guilmon stood not too far away, ears drooping. His childlike mentality still had a hard time wrapping around this concept.

It was really hard to break the news to Guilmon, even hard to explain what it meant. Not because it was a difficult emotional matter, but because they had to go over it sixty times before it sunk in. Guilmon was always slow.

Renamon went over and gently hugged the red dinosaurian-type.

Renamon: Maybe if we had sex with each other we’d feel a whole lot better. I know I would. You don’t mind if I shout out your dead master’s name while doing it though do you?

As the rain began to fall, all but four beings left. Ruki, Renamon, Guilmon, and Yamaki.

Takato’s parents weren’t gonna miss out on the Lynard Skynard concert after all.

You got the touch
You got the power

Well not so much now, but you DID have it... ya know before you got aced.

When all hell's breakin' loose
You'll be riding the eye of the storm

It’s kinda hard to ride something that isn’t really there. The eye of a storm is just basically empty clear sky devoid of wind or clouds.

You got the heart

Not anymore. Why is it so hard to get the concept of “HE’S DEAD” through your head man?

You got the motion
You know that when things get too tough
You got the touch

"I'm sorry about all of this."

Ruki started a bit, as did the others. Impmon, it seemed, had returned.

He must’ve forgot his car keys or something.

"Is that all you can say! That you're sorry! Sorry can't do anything about this! This, in some ways, is even worse than what you did to Leomon!" Renamon retorted.

Renamon: Killing him was bad enough but did you have to piss on, defecate on and then sodomize the corpse as well?

Ruki actually seemed surprised by that comment for the merest of moments until she realized that she was speaking from the viewpoint of a Digimon, and for Digimon, killing was a fact of life in their world, where it was all or nothing more often than not.

Hear that kids, murder is perfectly legal in the Digital World!

"Look, it was a stupid mistake, okay!" The little rookie snapped. "I just wanted to be able to Digivolve! I was tired of always being kicked around, treated like some weak in-training, and I couldn't stand the fact that you Digimon had partners who actually gave a damn about you! But I never wanted THIS! I mean yeah, they contracted me to kill Dino-boy there, but he's one of us! It woulda been just business as usual! How the hell was I to know this was gonna happen!" He continued.

Cause they told you to kill everyone... I think that should’ve clued you into what was gonna go down buddy.

Renamon, finally pushed beyond her limits for the day, lost her temper for the first time in more years than she cared to count, teleported next to the little Digimon and slapped him with enough force to send him hurtling through the air and into a tree.

Slap my Imp up!

Even Guilmon seemed a bit taken aback by this. Renamon had seemed the calmest of them all. Indeed, very little could rattle the fox-type.

Not even the mighty the Unicron and his demands for frozen peas!

Impmon looked the most surprised of all. After all the times Renamon had tried to be friends with Impmon, this was a full 180 degree turn for her. The look on her face was staggering. She was genuinely upset.

Yes, upset, that’s how people feel when facing down the killer of their lover, upset. And when someone punched me in the stomach before trying to stab me I felt positively displeased.

More than she should have been, at least that's what he thought.

"How can you be so damned callous!" She all but shouted.

Why can’t you just accept that friendship is fucking magic you piece of shit?!?

"Haven't you figured it out yet? He wasn't one of us! He had a life ahead of him, Goddramon damn you!

Please never use that saying again. It sounds fucking retarded.

He...he..." Renamon finally just vanished from sight, but the look on her face was very easy to notice by Impmon and the returning Terriermon who had come back to find out what all the commotion was.

Geez how far away did you walk? Six inches? Why’d you leave if you weren’t even going that far?

"That was...unexpected." Yamaki said slowly.

I know, if I didn’t know any better I’d say theyw ere sleeping together. Just like Rogue and sentry apparently were all this time.

Terriermon barely bit back a wsiecrack about the leader of Hypnos' sudden gift for understatement.

Please, we all know that gift goes to the narrator.

However, he simply allowed his ears to catch an updraft and took to the air. He had a feeling

That tonight was gonna be a good night.

he knew where the fox-type was headed.

"Hey! Where are you going, long ears!" Ruki said angrily.

"I'll be back in a bit with Renamon! Tell Jen not to worry, I'll be okay."

Terriermon: Besides, Megatron must be stopped... at any cost.

Was all the dog-rabbit said, as the currents carried him off.

He had a bet to win, 80 days, round trip across the world!

Impmon was stunningly swift and stealthy, managing to depart and follow the other rookie from a discreet distance.

Just like Soundwave despite being a giant fucking boombox.

A short while later, Terriermon found the Vulpine near the home of the fallen one. She was sitting on the roof of the neighboring home. Terriermon gently glided down to land behind her.

Just to freak her out of course.

Impmon, with a few leaps, landed a short ways behind the two, simply waiting and watching.

Again, just like Soundwave. Soundwave, the peeper Decepticon.

"You loved him, didn't you?"

Who didn’t love Dio? But we have to move on. He wouldn’t want us to mourn him forever. At least not without the appropriate soundtrack.

Renamon whipped around, and Impmon winced with another pang of guilt. The Vulpine was crying, but also looked surprised at having been discovered.

Cause a humanoid yellow fox is just hard to locate in this city.

"How did you find me!" She demanded, almost choking on her own words. Terriermon looked like he wanted to break down too and just hug her.

Maybe cop a feel, you know, just cause he could.

But instead just looked at her and repeated:

"You loved him, didn't you?"

Renamon turned around, looking back down at the house. "How did you know?"

"I'd say it was pretty damned obvious."

That and you keep screaming his name when you masturbate. Really loudly.

The two turned to see Impmon walking over. "The way you went apeshit on me earlier. Look, Renamon, I'm sorry. I really am.

Would it be cliché of me to use a “It’s too Late to Apologise” joke?

If I'd known then what I know now, I never would've accepted Chatsuramon's offer. I may not have been all that fond of humans, but I kinda liked him.

Impmon: I mean I guess out of all the humans I could’ve killed... yeah he was the one I sorta would’ve always felt bad about I guess.

He was as naive as Pineapple head sometimes. But at least he was consistent. I didn't think that guy had a mean bone in his body at times.I'm just sorry I pulled the trigger that last time.

Impmon: If it’s any comfort the seventieth time was out of mercy.

I had no fucking CLUE he'd take the hit for'im. I knew he was a little nuts when it came to protecting his friends, but even I didn't think he was THAT nuts!"

Well congrats, you’ve just fucked your own apology over.

Renamon almost looked ready to attack the small Rookie again. Since their time in the Digital World, Impmon had surrendered his power, only to gain it back in the form of Beelzemon Blast Mode, a variant version of the Mega form in which he had caused such pain and suffering.

Goody two shoes version of Galvatron for those still on the Transformers bent.

For Leomon, Beelzemon had been the spectre of death.

Sans Scythe of course, cause they were out at the shop.

Despite it all, Juri had never been able to fully forgive him for the death of her partner. Megidramon though, had proven that rage, when properly applied, makes for a great battery of energy, and Impmon carried the scars of that lesson to this day.

He liked showing them off at bars, made for an awesome story.

Scars that might have been avoided, if not for the second death which had occured that day.

So wait, they waited two whole friggin months before burying Takato? Geez guys, hwo long were you lugging that dead body around in the digital world exactly? Must’ve been in terrible shape to be sure, added on to the fact you waited this long to put him in the ground, he must be nothing but decaying flesh by now. I hope you opted for a closed casket here.

As the three Digimon looked down at the small home, which also helped serve to bring income to the fallen Tamer and his family, each had their own thoughts.

I’ve think we’ve played that joke out enough already.

Terriermon voiced the most obvious one.

“Why would someone call their product the wonder boner and not realise how many jokes would spawn from it?”

"Does Ruki know?" He asked.

Know? She was in on it. Two is company, three is a party!

Renamon said nothing. It had become obvious that in the days that followed, that Ruki was beginning to suffer a breakdown as well, since she too had loved him.

Everyone wanted Takato’s man meat. Mostly because it was partially augmented with cybernetics as we discussed before.

Juri, however, her depression nearly lead to the destruction of life as it was known on Earth and the Digital World, thanks to her encounter with the D-Reaper.

Nothing a few pill prescriptions and morphine shots couldn’t fix though.

Ruki had dealt with her grief by becoming cold-hearted to everyone but Renamon again.

That and plotting revenge against the so-called humanitarian who had ruined her life.

When things returned to normal though, she completely broke down. She refused to eat, go to school, or talk with anyone except her grandmother and Renamon.

Yeah that totally sounds like she returned to normal.

Renamon remained stoic, but her own heart had been crushed by the events of that day, and she couldn't bear to reveal her own affections for the now departed Tamer,

Especially now that the child would never know his father.

Oh what, like you weren’t thinking it! You know someone has done it!

since she already felt a wedge being driven between her and her Tamer. Ruki had begun to see Digimon as things to be hated again because of what Beelzemon had done.

That doesn’t make any sense. Should she hate JUST him? I mean, not every Digimon killed Takato, just Impmon.

"I hate to break up this sob-fest...but it's...startin ta rain..." Impmon said in a tiny voice.

You are just a walking pile of insensitive assholishness aren’t you?

Renamon finally looked over at him and sighed.

"Impmon...I...I forgive you. What you did was horrible..but in the end, you did see the error of your ways. I cannot find it in my heart to destroy you, not knowing what I know. And I would not deprive your partners of their best friend."

Renamon: After all, freedom is the right of sentient beings.

"Hey, no need to sweat it, fox-face. They..they don't entirely understand what happened, or what I did, but I was ready to die to fix my mistake. I wouldn't have blamed ya if ya did decide to axe me.

That an invitation? (Holds up Axe)

But..thanks anyway. Ai and Mako will understand someday. I just hope they're as forgiving."

Cause hearing how your pet tore out the local boy’s throat is totally not traumatizing at all.

"Somehow...I believe they will be." She said, with an almost smile.

She had to keep herself from laughing at the bold faced lie.

As the rain finally broke, lightning pealing out from the clouds and the roar of thunder bringing them back to reality, they took a final look at the small building, then leapt away, bounding back to the cemetary.

Watch out for the electrical wires! (BZZZZZZT!)

"Hey, Renamon?"

"Yes?"

"Man, I'm gonna get a brow-beating for this one but...you think you'da been able to ask him out if things went differently?"

The sound of a dual facefault from twenty feet up by Renamon and Impmon could be heard for three blocks in all directions in response to Terriermon's question.

Ha ha! Someone’s dead and her feelings will never be reciprocated! Ha ha ha! Wait is this supposed to be funny?

Aftermath:

Oh great that stupid end of the world shit from the National Geographic channel is on. Quick check Animal Planet!

Renamon snapped awake as a peal of thunder and lightning ripped through the sky. She blinked a few times, disoriented.

Disoriented by lighting Renamon? I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

Then realized where she was as the song she had been listening to on a loop from a CD player came to a close yet again.

Cause when I think soothing music to sleep to, I think the Hard Rock of Stan Bush.

She had fallen asleep listening to it, and oddly enough, the song was so true to the way the fallen one had acted it was scary. She was home. Five years since the Incident. In those five years, things had certainly changed, and not completely for the better.

Well after Optimus died things did seem pretty lame for a time to be sure.

Impmon, amazingly, had found himself becoming Beelzemon Blast Mode once again, and rather than question the occurence, began making the best of it by becoming a crimefighter.

His crime of murdering a child completely forgiven by authorities.

He was often joined in his heroics by Guilmon, who had started randomly digivolving up to Megidramona year after the Incident,

Cause that’s what Tokyo needs, a drooling, snarling vicious monster of doom protecting the streets.

and the two had managed to become not only friends, after two years of bitterness on Megidramon's part, but also a formidible duo. Though Megidramon still had a tendancy to be more brutal than his partner.

Yeah that sounds wonderful, how come I get the feeling Megridramon eats purse snatchers and graffiti artists?

Juri was eventually institutionalized for attempting to return to the Digital World through suicide.

When we found her she kept screaming "I can't get the cap off!" it was kinda pathetic so we just pulled the thing away from her and clubbed her over the head. For her own good really.

Ruki, surprisingly, had also been instituionalized for attempting to exhume the body of the fallen Tamer.

Shit! I honestly thought Jeri would’ve done that!

Jenrya had begun lobbying for the rights of Digimon, alongside Terriermon and most of Hypnos AND The Monster Makers, which lead to the establishing of relations between Earth and Zhuqiaomon's sector of the Digital World,

They’ve agreed to give sanctions more time, while rumours of the Digital World’s weapons of mass destruction still linger.

which in turn lead to invitations from the other Sovereigns to begin talks with them as well.

Their demands were simple, more ovaltine.

As a result, the Digital World was united for the first time in over fifteen years, with the Sovereigns forming a counterpoint to Earth's United Nations.

And they’re just as ineffectual if you can believe it.

Antylomon, once again at Ultimate, had begun a relationship with, of all Digimon, Megidramon. The two are celebrating their two year anniversary.

Truly, the salivating maw of that ugly looking dragon of doom and destruction was irresistible.

Though she spends most of her time helping to further Human/Digimon relations, she occasionally joins Megidramon and Beelzemon in their crimefighting campaigns.

She plays the perky female cop whose got something to prove in a man’s world and wears a miniskirt.

Terriermon, who decided not to digivolve up, has become a comedian, and has a special airing on HBO in a few months. He picked up english surprisingly fast.

People will pay good money to see a cute little rabbit swear like a sailor to crowded audiences.

And then there was Renamon. She had become almost a hermit after the fallen one's death. She left the Makino home only rarely,and when she did, it was often as Sakuyamon. She had somehow gained the ability to digivolve to Mega without Ruki.

Don’t ask how that works. I’m still wondering why Rodimus got to be a prime when he’s the sole reason Optimus got wasted.

She never questioned it. She was simply grateful for the chance to go out in that form. She often vistits his grave.

Amazingly simple to do despite being a giant armoured half fox half human.

And indeed, she was about to Digivolve and head out on this night, but a strange light began to coalesce in front of her, forming into the shape of a Digimon. Renamon's eyes narrowed suspiciously. She knew this Digimon, by reputation, and she did not entirely welcome his presence

Oh give Sheenmon a chance, he a 9/11 truther and if completely fucking insane... but he’s got tiger blood. That’s something.

"What do you want?"

"Peace, young Renamon. I have come to offer you a gift." The Digimon replied, giving her a gentle smile.

That’s a pretty lame gift. Hand over a PS3 or I’m walking.

"I don't trust you, Seraphimon. You've got a reputation for causing more trouble than you're worth sometimes."

Like dropping giant meteors on the planet cause some vague spiritual force doesn’t love you enough apparently.

"Perhaps" The Holy Mega Digimon replied. "But I can give you your fondest wish. I can give Takato back to you."

Don’t do it Renamon! I’ve seen this movie! He’s gonna be a zombie!

Renamon's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You tread dangerous waters, Seraphimon."

Seraphimon: It’s cool I got my life vest on already.

"I speak the complete truth, gentle one. You know of my reputation, so you must also know of my power. I can give him back to you, as alive and as healthy as he had always been.

”Your tamer will remain fucking crazy and stuck in the lony bin though, but what ya gonna do? A girl has needs after all and ya can’t survive on your hand alone forever.”

All you have to do is accept my gift, and take my hand, that I may send you to him."

Renamon hesitated...

Then she remembered the size of Takato’s schlong no doubt.

Owari

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Okay! This story WILL have a sequel, or perhaps I'll add another chapter on to this. I see it going one of two ways. Either Renamon will accept Seraphimon's offer, which will allow for even greater story potential,

If you hadn’t guessed yet, spoiler she does.

or she'll reject it, which will lead down another storyline arc.

Making the whole scene pointless.

I want to hear from you, the readers, as to what you think I should do. Should Renamon accept the offer? reject it? Or should I write both storylines, for those who want to see both stories play out? Let me know! .

Look your story is already a sagging plodding waste of a plot, don’t weigh it down with a damn poll!

Secondary note: My two fanfics will remain intact on and I will post the URLs on my profile page in a few days for those who want to see the original version of this fic and Faith of the Heart. In the meantime, let know how you feel about their attack on songfics!

You know I don’t have a problem with songfics, it’s just, well, unless I have the song I can’t really be bothered with your little nonsense poems you stick into the text. At least give me links to the actual songs is all I’m saying.

Faith of the Heart

Way to kill the franchise Bakula!

By Warwolf

Author's notes: I just couldn't resist this one! It's a litle romance fic done to Rod Stewart's Faith of the Heart. (For those fellow Trekkers, yes I'm aware Russell Watson has performed the song, but Stewart did so first.)

Who the fuck cares? The song is about as Trek as Skids and Mudflap weren't offensive. I'm only a casual Trekkie and even I know that!

The usual key applies, but I sick of posting it every time.

Dude, they will figure it out. Have faith in your audience, just like Archer’s crew had faith in him despite the fact he was an incompetent leader with an unreasonable hatred of Vulcans.

Um, bad example, scratch that.

- Go look at my other fics to figure'em out!

I watch him from afar. And at times I can't understand why I do.

It’s because you’re a stalker.

He's little more than a child. Just now coming into adolescence.

Now that you mention it, do you watch Takato from your Van Renamon?

His eyes though, are what I think captivates me the most. He's not a Digimon. He's not even the most powerful being in the Human Race. But still, in his eyes are the soul of a warrior.

Personally I always thought Takato had the eyes of a punching bag considering how much life shits on him half the time.

I know what you must be asking. Why a human, Right? Or perhaps better yet, why THIS human?

That’s easy Renamon, you need a submissive mate and Takato is so submissive he might as well be wearing gimp clothes already.

I wish I had an answer for you. But I don't. I can only watch, and smile as he begins to speak with one of his many friends. I find myself thinking that if he knew the way a Digimon felt about him, he might, as he puts it 'freak out'.

Honestly I question that assumption considering your fan art.

My fur rustles in the breeze. Ruki would laugh herself sick if she knew. She'd felt attracted to him herself, before deciding that she wasn't ready for romance yet.

As long as she doesn’t scream “I’m overqualified for that stuff, I made a promise to God” I can respect that.

In a way, I felt glad that she had decided that. She still has an interest in him. But since she has more or less 'removed herself' from the playing field as it were, I can feel for him to my heart's content...perhaps even try to woo him, without feeling guilty about it.

Actually Renamon this sounds like the set-up to one of those tense soap opera scenes where the best friends bitch each other out because the first friend went after the guy she knew the second friend had a crush on. Then she feels betrayed, vases are thrown, doors are slammed and then demons erupt from the earth for some reason and the handsome stud of a doctor has to fight them off.

I caught an episode of passions in my youth, that shit happened a lot according to my sister.

I've been told I have a strange sense of aesthetics. Perhaps this simply proves it.

Oh trust me it does. What you’re thinking about is technically illegal here in North America. Not sure on Japan though.

I watch over him for the rest of the day.I find it startling to see that no matter what he does, he seems to be perpetually happy. Such a carefree soul. One willing, ready, and able to see the best in everyone. Could a relationship ever truly work?

How come I feel like I’m listening to an audiotape from BioShock? Or a Holotape from Fallout? Or one of those vid messages you sometimes find on missions in Mass Effect? Shit that stuff has really taken off hasn’t it?

Terriermon has often told me that I'm so stoic and steeped in etiquette and so tense and ready for combat, that I border on being morbid.

Girl I’ve just played through Lonesome Road, trust me no one is more morbid than Ulysses. This little monologue is nowhere near his calibre. Fact is basically a high school diary entry.

Impmon- or perhaps I should call him Beelzebumon,

I don’t recall there being a U in there but maybe that’s how it’s spelled in Japanese. Hell if that’s how they write they might as well put the last B in there. I mean that is what they were going for.

for he stays in that form far more regularly than he used to- has also made it a point to tell me that I need to 'lighten up and get the stick out of my ass', to qoute him.

Maybe next time you should use the stick to beat him to death. That would shut him up.

Perhaps he's right. But certainly, it would be a...unique situation. I wonder how he might react?

I figure along the lines of “Really? Wow, from all the pictures I saw I thought you were a lesbian.”

I snap my head up. That's him! He's...singing? I've never heard him sing before. I think I like it...

Fuck if this turns into Takato’s Magic Voices...

So beautiful... where did he learn such a song? It seems foreign...but the way he sings it, who could tell?

I mean he’s so off key! It’s like nails on a thousand chalkboards.

I follow as he continues through the park, being careful not to be seen by anyone else, and keeping my ears attuned to the sound of his voice...

Guess she’s using a stealth-boy.

I smile as we approach his house. In so many ways, I feel as if he's singing to me directly.

Which makes no sense since he’s not even looking in your direction... unless he’s walking backwards.

As if he knew I was watching him all this time. We stop not far from his home, and he picks up a few things from his favorite outdoor card vendor.

Takato: Come on Lugia baby! I feel lucky! (Rips open pack) Ah fuck, fucking Poliwag again!

He comes here every so often, usually when he has nothing better to do and is looking to improve his deck. He glances over to the window which reflects his image and mine, though I am on the roof of the building across from him,

So you’re nowhere near the mirror and thus not really casting a reflection. What was your point again?

no one will notice me here...wait...no...that couldn't have been what I thought happened. Did he just smile entirely at me via his reflection?

Nah he just found out he’s got Zapdos in there, more than making up for Poliwag.

No...It can't be. I've followed him countless times, and he's never been the wiser...

Perhaps if you kept your pip-boy light off...

It takes all my will not to weep at how beautiful his voice has sounded, raised in song like this. I've seen him at his highest moments, and I've seen him at his worst. Or so I believed until now. Singing like this, for the sheer enjoyment of it.

And the detriment of others of course who must suffer his inability to hit the high notes.

I land near his house, as I know that it's his ultimate destination, my ears pricked, and listening for his voice as he draws closer.

That’s easy enough since we can hear his screeching from halfway down the fucking block.

I gasp in surprise, he's so close! Already? Was I off in how long it'd take to reach his home?

If only you hadn’t failed algebra you could’ve calculated properly!

Then his hand clasps my shoulder, causing me to jump a bit in surprise. I turn to him, and he smiles at me, with those deep green eyes.

Nerd: Now I don’t, I have grey eyes.

Dungeon master: Let me see that sheet.

Nerd: Well it says I have green but I wanted to change them to grey.

Dungeon Master: Whatever!

Eyes that have captivated my soul for so long.

Her soul screams for freedom, but his eyes refuse her amnesty. Never again shall it see the light of day, for the cruel prison of his eyes blocks her path to liberty. It should really appeal to the governor.

I can't stop the tears this time, or my smile.

Christ Renamon enough with the drama lama shit.

There's so much I want to say to him. But he simply shakes his head, and his eyes invite my to join him this time in what I now know to be the chorus, and I answer with the words I've come to know. Our voices join together for this chorus. And it hurts so much to not be able to know if he understands why I weep.

Good lord I’m seeing several shades of purple!

I can't take it anymore. I grabs him

From Purple to Hillbilly in under six words people.

by the shoulders and kiss him fiercely. I can't take the idea of him never knowing. He seems to go into shock for a moment, before...he kisses back.. by the Kami, he's kissing back! He's not afraid...he has so much love in him that I can feel it.

Actually he figures fuck it because he knows you can pretty much pull his heart if he tries to run.

He...how do I put it?

"Takato..."

"Renamon..."

And then, he sings one last line, and I know the ring of truth of it.

Oh get a karaoke room already!

Owari

The Unenviable Author's Post-Notes: Heh, a little WAFFy thing I've been planning to post for months, and only tonight finally finished it. Happy Holidays, folks!

Worst Christmas Ever.

The other stories will be updated eventually!

Secondary note: My two fanfics will remain intact on and I will post the URLs on my profile page in a few days for those who want to see the original version of this fic and Funeral for a Friend. In the meantime, let know how you feel about their attack on songfics!

Still going on about that huh? Row row, fight the power your rebel you.

I didn't cut and paste my lyrics. I typed them myself after hunting said lyrics down!

Cause that makes it not plagiarism I guess?

At this point Godzilla pops up and waves.

Wait the fuck?

Godzilla: Don't forget to Review! .

Wait don’t go! Take me with you!

-----------------------------

So two crappy Renamon fics from the same author. Both equally pretentious in their scope. I think that will satisfy our Takato/Renamon stuff for awhile. Next time, we need to finally discuss the centrepiece of the Humans/Renamon movement. Who wants lesbians folks?

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Dec 11 2011, 11:59 PM

[Lizard-Man]

I’ve been holding off on the one subject concerning Renamon/Human fanfiction for awhile because I’m personally opposed to it. I’m fine with Renny fucking whoever she pleases, hell even Kazu I guess. She’s her own woman, who am I to judge? But there is one pairing I can’t really ever get behind period and it’s the most popular one out there or at least the one with the most fan art.



Before you throw out accusations let me explain. You know how in Doctor Who there are a group of people who say “The Doctor and one of his companions falling for one another just seems gross” and they refuse to think of the relationship as anything but platonic? Well this is similar. Whereas the Doctor and his companions are kind of like his kids to some fans, Renamon and Rika to me are like sisters. Their relationship mirrors one of an older sibling trying to get closer to their young one while said younger one pushes her away because she thinks she doesn’t need anyone. It’s one of the reasons I like tamers so much, here we saw Digimon as actual members of the main cast with their own motivations and desires. We hadn’t seen that since Gatomon in the first season and that was only before she became Kari’s partner fulltime. From then on she slipped back into the sidekick role a lot of Digimon end up in. Why do you think a lot of Digimon fanfics staring the first two season kids drop the Digimon so often whereas tamer fanfics don’t drop them as much? Simple, because the Digimon in Tamers are actual parts of the cast! It’s hard to ignore a character when they aren’t a sidekick, they’re integral to the story and the growth of three humans they work with, not under, with. They’re not sidekicks, they’re partners.

My point is, because of Renamon’s unique relationship with Rika, being her older surrogate sister, the thought of them doing anything remotely sexual or romantic with each other sickens me as much as Zuko/Azula fanfiction. Incest is icky to me! Renamon can be a lesbian, fine, but can she NOT kiss and shag the pre-teen she shares a sisterly bond with? I don’t care if they’re not really related, if watching the Doctor makeout with a companion can seem like someone kissing their father to some people then damn it Renamon/Rika fanfiction can have a similar effect!

But no look at this phenomenon in Digimon fanfics would be complete without at least a token glance at the Rika/Rena ship. Strangely though despite having a billion fucking fanart pics of the two bumping uglies and the like, in all sorts of positions mind you, the fanfic well is rather dry concerning the two at FF.Net, as in there were only forty stories and less than half could be classified as fitting my criteria. I could’ve sworn there were more to be honest.

Today’s kindling is brought to you by Digi-Muff, oh joy that name brings so much confidence with it. This shit isn’t that complicated either, Ren and Rika fuck in a park. But there may be also something else to it... something even creepier than surrogate incest lesbian sex.

--------------------------------------------------

Digi-Muff: Well, You're probably aware that this is a lemon, a sex fic,

Really? I thought that M rating meant it was full of meat.

if your not aware then get your ass outa here!

Well, fuck now I have to read it.

I think Rika-x-Renamon is a really hot couple

Yeah cause nothing says sexy like screwing a digital construct that is supposed to be your surrogate sibling. Not icky at all.

and I can never find one for them on this site,

Because most people on FF.Net are apparently not this fucking stupid.

so, if your having the same problem, here it is in all its sexual glory!

I do not think this is what the Spartans had in mind when they talked of Glory. Do not sully that word with this tripe.

________________________________________
Tamer, Lover, Mistress: A Rika-X-Renamon fic by Digi-Muff [LEMON]

You forgot “Spy” dear sir or madam.

________________________________________

Rika had been acting strangely around Renamon for the past week, her behaviour had also changed

Acting strangely implies her behaviour has changed, dumbass.

and with it, her dress code.

This is a lesbian fanfic, so you know it’s basically gonna be a dominatrix outfit.

Long gone were the tomboy jeans and the heart shirt, now she wore only clothes of a deep or blood red, usually made of materials such as leather.

Called it. And look, the author didn’t even bother with the formalities like the Ryo/Rika story. She stripped her of the clothes that define her character right from the get go! Not even a token bit of build up!

She had even released the pineapple hairstyle and let it grow out.

So we’re making a checklist of each trait Rika has and destroying it then. Okay, first gone is her personality it seems, as was implied, and now her appearance. What else is on the chopping block?

The previous night Renamon had spent with guilmon and the other digimon, impmon had thrown a party [using guilmons now streamer covered hut as the location]

Great way to avoid attention and suspicious onlookers from looking inside your hideout there Guilmon. Also, coloured toilet paper does not count as streamers.

and terriermon had been in charge of pilfering the required booze from Henry's parents and neighbours.

Of course, because Terriermon would totally do something like! Steal from his own family! I’m sorry, but despite how much of a mischievous sarcastic jerk he was, Terriermon was incredibly fucking loyal!

The party had been a success and Renamon had been drunk for the first time,

She spent most of the remainder of the party with her head in the toilet of course.

which had made her susceptible when she had returned.

Rika knew she wouldn’t say no to a game of Jenga now!

As Renamon stumbled through the sliding door in the early hours of the morning she had found rika completely awake, listening and dancing to soft music.

Her punk rock taste in music... gone. Replaced by... shit Japanese Pop... alright. Let’s keep going down the list then.

Her leather seemed to have been replaced by something skin-tight but shinier, Renamon guessed it was rubber, though still the distinctive red Rika favoured.

That cannot be very comfortable. But it fits with the retarded dominatrix theme going on here.

As Renamon approached she realised it was a dress that hugged Rika's body,

Hate for dresses... gone. Yep, these checkmarks are going down fast. NEXT!

its bodice clinging tightly to her body, accentuating her firm, breasts, its skirt slit to her thighs. As she watched Rika swaying slightly to the music on the red patent platform-soled cone-heeled shoes she wore,

Okay, it’s official. This is the stupidest outfit I have ever seen just by those shoes alone. Platform heels... Christ almighty. Do I even need to begin explaining why this all looks incredibly stupid?

Renamon felt lust well up inside her.

Actually that was her dignity being drained.

In the years since the digimon had returned from digital world after the D-reaper incident, rika had grown into a stunningly gorgeous body, which was expected from the daughter of a model.

Because that shit’s genetic bitches.

Now nineteen, rika had full breasts almost as large as her mothers, and shapely hips that looked just perfect in the rubber.

Because rubber is such a great material to wear, it’s SO comfortable. Does idiot realise how completely impractical such a material is for a dress?

Rika turned and saw her digimon partner standing in the doorway; she smiled "Hey Renamon how was the party?"

Well there were games and dancing, bobbing for apples and people were cutting a rug. But I expected that group hug to last longer.

Renamon shook the lust from her mind, which was still clouded by the alcohol.

She was lucky Guilmon got her a cab. Can you imagine her trying to get home her normal way? Renamon would be colliding into telephone line poles and street lamps the whole way!

"It was good" she said with a slight slur to her usually perfect and calm speech.

“And the Pink elephants were even there too! It got wild after that!”

Suspiciously, Rika walked up to her partner and sniffed her breath "You've been drinking" she accused with a slight smile.

Renamon quickly ate some gum and tried to put on her cool face before replying “No Cold Ones, just a few officers. Fine, I’m honest. I’m sunshine on walking!”

Renamon nodded and rubbed her scull which was beginning to throb

Scull? Renamon has a paddle? Where does she keep it? Knowing this fanfic it probably reaqd ‘yuri’ or something. And how is it throbbing?

"Why did I let the damn imp talk me into it" she wondered,

No more keggers for you young lady.

wincing as she prodded a sore spot.

Are we still talking about the paddle? Because I gotta know how it gets sore. Do you mean her paddle arm? I know how that feels honest, I paddled a few boats during some trips to the country.

Rika meanwhile was observing renamons fur covered body with a raised eyebrow; suddenly an idea occurred to her that even her newly matured and more lustful mind had not considered before now.

Rape?

"Renamon…" she said with a grin "I`m taking you shopping"

You’re taking the drunk Digimon shopping? Really? Honestly what the fuck is going on here? That’s the first thought that comes into her mind given what this story is SUPPOSED to be about? You’re just gonna take those clothes off anyway!
Oh and, hatred of shopping, also crossed off the list. We’re making great time here, we should have Rika completely unrecognizable before the last two sentences.

________________________________________

Renamon did not know what had caused rika`s personality change,

I’m guessing brain slugs.

but so far it had caused no harm, so she had agreed to enter the store that rika now used for her new taste in clothing.

How does a Digimon show ID for a sex shop? That is of course if they don’t just consider Digimon pets, then that brings up the question of whether they’d let them in at all.

It was called "The red house" and as it`s name suggested, it`s entire stock was red.

Well that’s fucking genius. Let’s have a store that limits what it sells based on colour alone, they must have like a heap of customers, 3 people is a heap right?

People these days had grown accustomed to digimon, so no-one had reacted greatly when the 5`4 yellow kitsune had entered, being a digimon,

There has to be some kind of rule about where they can and can’t go though! I mean, just cause they’re accustomed to it doesn’t mean they’re suddenly accepted!

Renamon had not changed much physically over the years and, as a result, she was now half an inch shorter than her tamer.

I estimate Renamon was about 5 feet 2 inches tall or so, the average size of an adult female in Japan because she was at least as tall as Rika’s mom. All I know is she was pretty tall. This means, somehow, Rika had a growth spurt and is now freakishly tall, towering over her own Digimon at half an inch. Why? Because she gotta be the dominate personality dipsticks! What do you think? Height equals dominance! That is what the author is subconsciously trying to introduce here.

Renamon had been dressed in dark red leathers and pocketless jeans that hugged her bum, for some reason she kind of liked the cafe-racer style biker jacket that reached just past her waist,

Now if only she could get some rollerskates and a job at that 80’s style drive-in diner.

with its press studs at the collar and the subtle zips across her breasts.

These is nothing subtle about zippers on your breasts.

The bright shiny knee-length boots had spiked heel`s, which roughly closed of that half an inch height difference.

Well now she looks like a whore straight out of dystopian future movie. Live the good life in the off-world colonies!

Renamons tail swished behind her, it was a tight fit for the extension and the clothes had not been designed for it, but it was not uncomfortable.

The panties however were a different story.

Renamon did not really know what to make of it, she had never worn clothes before,

It’s Eve discovering she’s naked all over again. Which means, Rika is the snake in this story.

so the sensation was quite new, as she settled into the leathers Renamon realised that she was… sexy!

REALLY? Damn I hadn’t noticed! I’ve only been seeing porn of her for ages! How was I supposed to know that? How was she? Why am I always last to know?

From that point on she loved them, and enjoyed the tight feeling around her legs and rika payed for the clothes.

The cashier did not accept her money though because in the “Red House” does not accept money that isn’t red. It ruins their image. Speaking of which, all those cloths and shit... they have to be red by this store’s rules. Let that sink in before you imagine it. Cause lord almighty that’s gonna hurt your mind’s eyes.

Rika had then stopped off at another store, a smaller one; she had told Renamon to stay outside and had come out a quarter of an hour later with a metal stud in her tongue.

Of course piercings, cause, fuck we gotta pretend that Rika has SOME of her punk personality left.

I just realised, she walked into a piercing store... with a god damn red dress... one that has a slit going down a leg. This makes no sense.

Renamon did not remember the walk back, only the feeling of the leather as it stroked her curves.

She didn’t remember because someone had spiked her next drink. One guess who.

Soon she found herself in the garden of there home, next to the small trickling pond and its quaint little bridge.

Oh so this where they’re gonna do it. Sure, defile your mother’s garden, see if I care. I’ll just have you know how far this is slipping into retarded territory. They both look like sluts and they’re sitting next to a bloody backyard pond like they were innocent little grad schoolers.

Rika was smiling at her "So, do you like them?" Renamon licked her lips "Yes, I love them" she had sobered up as the day passed

Day? I thought it was still night! Get your timeframes straight already!

nut now she felt again as she had last night,

It’s been a whole day! Really? They spent their whole fucking day shopping for shit! The fuck is this? Okay, I’m marking another thing off, Rika would never spend an entire 24 hours shopping! Not ever! Not a single attempt to look for a fight, no concerns about Digimon, already this is getting stupider by the minute! And why the hell is Renamon still hungover if it’s been 24 hours!

her mind clouded and she began to feel exited.

I wish I could feel exited, then I’d be able to leave.

Rika turned and began walking away. Renamon followed her back into the main part of the building and down the hall to Rika`s room without really thinking what she was doing. Every step seemed so right, so natural.

So now Renamon is further devolved into basically a mind-controlled slave, so the brain slugs are contagious then aren’t they?

Her attention was captured by the shiny rubber dress Rika wore,

Or Renamon just likes shiny things now. I’ll get the Ritalin.

that excited her more and reminded her of her own leathers, but took it a stage further.

Stage Three of the Indigo league to be exact! Time to beat me some Pokemon masters!

Renamon knew she wanted to screw Rika in the erotic clothes she wore.

It’s gonna be hard to screw someone with their clothes on Renny, just saying.

They stepped into Rika's room and the moment the door closed Rika wrapped her arms around Renamon, pulling her in tightly, pressing her lips against Renamon`s, then forcing her tongue into her mouth. Initially startled, Renamon was soon responding,

How the hell were you startled by this? Christ weren’t you paying attention her suggestive movements? Her sudden shift behaviour? The fact she was DRESSING YOU UP LKIKE A WHORE?

running her paws over Rika's rubber-clad body, stroking at her long sleek hair and finding herself driving her leather-coated leg between Rika's, the slit in her skirt allowing easy access.

You rip it you’re gonna have to pay for it.

Renamon was powerless as Rika turned her and forced her back on to the thin mat that was her bed. In moments Rika was on her, brushing her body over Renamon`s, fondling her nipples that were rock hard through the smooth leather of her bustier.

Funny thing, I wonder if anyone realises the place where boobs are on a fox aren’t exactly the same as a person? You ever think that comes to mind to the writers when they do this? No, okay just asking.

Then Rika's fingers were sliding rhythmically between Renamon`s leather clad thighs, the sensation beginning to heat up Renamon`s pussy.

Just like an easy bake oven.

Renamon was stroking her hands all over Rika's firm body covered in the slippery rubber that felt so sensual to touch.

Great, the only Ren/Rika fanfic I find and it’s a bloody leather fetish story. Could be worse, could be goatse.

Renamon found it difficult to believe it was real and tried to relax into it,

The leather isn’t real actually, its imitation. Red House has a strict no animal cruelty policy.

telling herself that this is what she had deserved for so long.

I always thought Renamon deserved a family... not boning with the person who she forged a sistership with. But what the fuck do I know right? I’m not some horny fucking teenager who thinks toilet humour is still funny and watches the Jersey Shore like a fucking idiot.

With her teeth Rika began peeling away the bustier to expose Renamon`s furry breasts and once they were free she sucked and nibbled in spirals around them.

Today we’ll milking a Fox, fox milk is actually loaded with nutrition...

Renamon could feel the warm metal of Rika's tongue stud as the hard tool pressing home wherever Rika's tongue lashed, taking the sensation further.

Cause it one thing says sensual it’s a JAGGED PIECE OF METAL PRODDING MY PRIVATE PARTS!

Rika kept switching from one breast to the other, rising higher so that soon Renamon`s was eager for Rika's lips, her studded tongue, to close down on the nipples. Simultaneously Rika had unzipped Renamon`s leather jeans, but rather than removing them her fingers pushed through Renamon`s panties like they were damp tissue paper.

The Red House has some really shitty suppliers if their clothes rip that easily.

Renamon gasped as she felt Rika's hard fingers stroking at her pussy lips. Renamon`s pussy was dripping, her lips engorging, knowing that nothing she could do would prevent Rika's fingers from penetrating her,

You could close your thighs. Just saying.

but skilfully Rika held off, her fingers coming close to Renamon`s clit, but then backing away, stroking firmly on her lips, then back to the hood, then the lips and then one slipped inside

What is basketball commentary?

and Renamon groaned with the sensation, just a taster of what she was certain would come,

She’s talking about apple pie right?

but Rika kept stoking Renamon`s fire.

That had got to be dangerous. Hope you enjoy your hands becoming charbroiled.

Every touch, every nuzzle on her leather reminded Renamon how she was dressed, how sexy, how accessible to sex, she had made herself, and she loved that Rika's actions kept reminding her of that.

You love that Rika has essentially become a whore?

Then Rika's lips closed hard on Renamon`s left nipple sucking it up deep into her mouth as two, then three fingers dove into Renamon`s sex.

Why do people keep saying that on FF.net? Do they not allow the word vagina anymore? That’s it isn’t it? Look, just look up ACTUAL slang for it. There’s plenty of words you can use.

In moments, the fingers seemed to be stirring, pulsing within her, stroking in all different directions at once, unable to go flaccid,

Unlike me who find this less and less arousing by the second.

unwilling to withdraw until Renamon had cum. Renamon had lost all speech, all she could do was grunt, then moan, louder with every moment of the rising pleasure.

Considering this house has literal paper thin walls I’m surprised no one has woken up screaming for them to knock it off yet.

Her body, her fur was coated in sweat and every move she made was accompanied by the ripple, the creak of her leather, hugging her bum, her hot body so tightly.

Ugh, can you imagine the smell? I can. Wet, sweaty, sticky hot leather, ugh my nose gags at the thought. Have you ever been next to a leather mill? Ever smelled burning rubber, the material Rika is wearing? I’ve smelled the latter, it’s horrible. Obviously this isn’t the same, but that is the first thing that comes to mind in all of this.

Renamon could now only communicate in animal-like sounds,

Just like a “Speak and Says”! The rooster goes! Cock-ka-doodle-doo!

as Rika maintained her on the verge of orgasm, letting her subside a little only to reinforce the attack on Renamon`s senses.

First we gotta hit the nose and ears hard, then we flank eyes on the right...

Then Rika's thumb nuzzled against Renamon`s erect clit and she felt her body go taut as if she was being stretched the length of the bed. Hungrily her hands grasped at her lover, her vision was just white light,

Making all the gremlins run for cover.

and her senses all oblivious to anything bar the woman who was bringing her such pleasure. Then, just as she thought she would climax, the stimulation was gone, Rika sat up on her knees gazing down at the quivering, hard flesh of Renamon.

I guess Rika is as bored of this as I am.

Renamon gasped, trying to ask, to beg, for Rika to allow her into orgasm. She tried fumbling with her own fingers, but Rika grasped them together in one hand and forcefully pinned them above Renamon`s head on the pillow. Renamon squirmed seeking that last bit of stimulation that would push her over the edge.

I’d like to push you both off the nearest edge of a cliff if possible. Anything to shut you all up.[

Rika smiled. "Your Tamer orders you to cum." She said firmly.

Well that’s hard to do when she can’t reach Orgasm idiot!

"Yes, Tamer!" Renamon shrieked as, on command, her body shuddered with the pleasure, shaking her, screaming with ecstasy, even more so because control had been yielded mentally rather than physically.
As Renamon realised this, she peaked again, her body flailing at Rika's command, the pleasure seeming unending, stripping Renamon`s will to be anything but this, compliant to any order that gave her this pleasure.

God, I’ve read some dull sex scenes in my time, but this is so boring. I don’t get it guys, am I supposed to be turned on? I don’t know, it’s just this kinda stuff doesn’t do it for me. It’s not just the fact they’re surrogate siblings, it’s the leather, I don’t get it. What’s the deal? I don’t get the appeal of wrapping your body in unbreathable tight fitting clothing during an act where you’re sweating from every orifice. It just sounds so uncomfortable.

She was still Horney, Renamon's hands reached for Rika's hips sinking her nails softly into them.

Well that’s gonna hurt like hell, considering Renamon’s hands are friggin clawed.

They leaned into each other in a tight embrace. They caressed each others backs and rear ends. Rika began to lick around and in Renamon's ear. Renamon went wild with lust. Quickly she shrugged her jeans and boots off and practically ripped her biker-jacket off over her head in a race to be nude.

Well there goes your deposit on them. Just try and get a replacement now.

They quickly re-embraced and began a long passionate French kiss. After minutes of exploring each others' mouths

Both obviously want to go into a career in dentistry.

Rika disengaged and lay spread eagle on the small mat, pulling off the tight rubber that covered her body "Your turn to do me, partner" she said the last word so seductively that Renamon shook with excitement.

Can we wrap this up already? This has already become tedious.

She knelt at the foot if the mat and began to crawl up Rika's body planting kisses on her inner thigh, stomach then taking Rika's left nipple into her mouth. This caused Rika to arch her back upward in delight. Renamon then went to work on the other breast. Soon she lifted off and pressed a full French kiss on Rika's mouth. When their nipples touched and rubbed together electricity sped through both of them.

Both of them suddenly stretched their arms out and shouted “THE QUICKENING!” as they absorbed all the knowledge of the universe. Lesbian sex can do that.

Renamon leaned further over to let Rika suckle her breasts while one of her hands found Rika's pussy. Rika moaned with delight.

While I moan with utter distain and contempt.

Renamon spun around and arranged a perfect 69 position with Rika. Almost immediately both females began to probe each others pussies with their tongues driving waves of pleasure through themselves.

Since Renamon has a snout perhaps I’ve just discovered the reason this idea is so popular... Renamon’s nose and mouth are their very own dildo.

Oh God, this makes it even worse.

Renamon slowly licked and bit into Rika's inner thigh.

Well now you gave her rabies, great work.

Rika moaned into the furry pussy of her partner as the kitsune licked the small amount of blood from her thigh.

Oh yes this is so sexy, bleeding from my thigh, just what I want during sexual intercourse.

Instantly Renamon's long tongue was lapping at Rika's bare sex again drawing moans of rapture. Rika massaged Renamon`s firm ass as she sucked her lover's sweet juices.

Do they taste like grape or fruit punch?

Renamon arched her back and tweaked her large nipples sending jolts of pleasure she had never dreamed of through her furry body.

If sex could be harnessed as a power source, from what is being described could in fact help light up a small third world country for years.

Licking her lips and writhing in ecstasy rika careened toward orgasm. Renamon`s tongue was deep and probing. "Oh, Kami-Sama YESSSSSS!" rika screamed as she came dousing Renamon with love juices.

Love juices taste like Grape right?

Wait who is Kami-Sama? Rika, is there another girl in your life?

She lay panting as Renamon rose and began to lick her face clean with her long tongue. Rika also licked Renamon's face delighting in the taste of her own cum.

For the love of god! Just tell me what it tastes like already! GEESH!

Rika lay there, revelling in the feeling of the remaining pleasure. She was brought out of her reverie by a coarse tongue on her pussy. Renamon was horny again already.

What is this mating season?

She had fingers in her pussy and was leaning over licking Rika's. She let Renamon within her out as her ministrations continued.

You wanted this, deal. Just lie back and think of England.

Just before rika reached her peak, she stopped renamons actions and rose to her feet, pulling Renamon with her. Renamon's three foot tail swished behind her as Rika moved closer. Rika leaned in and took a hard nipple in her mouth.

Okay, we get it! Wrap it up already! I am bored of this entire scene now! Get it over with! I don’t give a shit about their afterplay.

A soft moan issued from Renamon. Rika's hand traced down Renamon's abs and quickly found her pussy. Meanwhile Renamon's tail had found Rika's wet snatch.

You know, most sex scenes know when to stop. Mainly after the two have orgasmed!

Still suckling Renamon's breast Rika worked three fingers in an out of Renamon while Renamon's tail stroked and pushed into rika`s snatch, gradually, pumping deeper and deeper into her. Both exploded into rapturous full body orgasms at the same time.

Christ did you people take adrenaline or something! Renamon felt like she was drunk again before all this happened now it’s like she just woke up!

Rika brought her hand to Renamon's mouth and they both licked it clean with their tongues eventually working into a full sensual French kiss.

Is it over yet? It is? Good, god, that went on forever! Take a lesson away from this, KNOW WHEN TO STOP A SCENE!

________________________________________

Three miles away the other tamers were locked in destructive combat with a mega level digimon.

Hey look! Something I’m actually interested in!

She had first been spotted a week ago by impmon, but being too busy organising his party he had forgotten to inform the tamers until that morning.

Yeah, who cares that several innocents on the subway died because of your lack of initiative Impmon, at least your party was a success. Idiot.

Unable to find rika and Renamon, the remaining tamers had scoured the city, searching for the renegade digimon. After hours of searching, and being forced to listen to the complaints of hung-over digimon,

Boo fucking hoo assholes! Should’ve thought of that before you did a kegger. A monster is killing people! Actually do something besides slack off you idiots! You’re digimon! Not frat boys! Besides you were doing this all day! The hangover should be gone by now! And why the fuck wasn’t Rika informed on her Digivice like she always is? Oh right, she was busy shopping so she could get her partner ready for sex. Fuck I hate this story.

they had found there target pouring crimson energy into a helpless girl of around twelve.

Oh a twelve year old huh? Well I’m sorry we couldn’t get to you sooner little girl but Rika and Renny were too busy shopping and fucking. You understand right? Too bad, cause they probably could’ve used an expert tracker like Renamon to save more lives! Who knows how many little girls this Digimon’s done this to by now!

After rescuing the girl and leaving her in the protective custody of Kazu and Kenta,

That’s like leaving your house in the care of a druggie you found on the street. She’ll be dead within the hour. Or at least sold for trading card.

they had bioemerged with there partners and attacked the digimon. Kenta watched the unconscious girl with worry, he had begun med-school a year ago and could find no physical damage from the digimon`s attack, but after all, digimon had many strange powers.

I’m sure your medical training will save the girl whose been attacked by a digital creature from another dimension! God you’re dense. I hope you’re still in med-school and not an actual doctor.

The girl stirred and began moaning, Kenta noticed with shock that she was rubbing her own pussy!



"Kazu…!" Kenta called to the other boy in half panic. Kazu looked at the girl in shock "Should we wake her up" the visor boy asked looking nervously in any other direction than the girl. Shaking violently, Kenta shook the girl awake… and screamed like a girl when she pounced on him, trying to devour his face.

Okay, this has gone from boring to completely what the fuck real fast.

Kazu stared at the lust crazed girl attempting to rape his best friend "Wow…" he said in confused wonder

That’s all you can say at a woman who is trying to RAPE your friend? God Kazu, you are an asshole.

"Who is that digimon anyway" He plucked out his digivice and rose it to scan the mega, who was seriously creaming the other tamers.

You know as much as I like Renamon, Gallantmon, the bioemerged form of Takato and Guilmon is technically the strongest of this trio and should be able to handle this thing relatively fine.

"Lillithmon, Mega level virus type of the demon lords, her crest is lust, and she is the only female member"

For those confused, I think the demon lord Digimon were a concept dropped from Season 2 when they decided to go with some other enemy we didn’t really care much about and was less cool. They dropped a lot of cool ideas.

Kazu looked back down at his unfortunate friend [or very fortunate depending on your point of view] and said "Lust huh? I wonder how many people she got with this.

Unbeknownst to him, three miles to the east, Rika and Renamon slept curled up together, on a mat covered in there own juices.

That’s your excuse for this shit? Rika got hit by a lust ray?! Did this seriously need a fucking explanation!? It’s a fucking lemon!

________________________________________

Digi-Muff: Ha-Ha-Ha! What do you think people? It`s my first lemon so don't be too cruel with your answers

My answer if you’re a fucking idiot who knows how to make me completely lose interest in sex. Thank you for ruining my potential to get an erection for today. Good day.

-------------------------------------------

So, that was shit. But what are you gonna do? Once again, This Renamon/Rika stuff is crap and always has been. But of course it exists, because two girls just can’t be friends in this world without being lovers. It’s the same in every fucking cartoon actually. Hell they can’t even be adversaries sometimes without being lovers. Let’s just face, slash shippers will ruin the meaning of anything relationship, undermining its value... just to write smut. Renamon/Rika proves it. That’s my piece, that’s our look at Renamon/Human romance for today, I gotta go and try and get this shit out of my skull.

[Waffleman]

It's the same with men and yaoi. Two guys can't be friends without being LUVURS. I hate fandom sometimes. A lot of times. All the times.

Also, do you know how tight a rubber dress would be? It's probably cutting off her circulation, that's why she's doing this.

This post has been edited by Waffleman: Oct 5 2011, 03:47 AM

[Lizard-Man]

Well this is two for two guys. I did a lesbian fic last time, I guess I might as well do a Gay fanfic too. Fuck. I’d do a regular heterosexual fanfic again... but everything I got involves Takato and Renamon and we’ve been through that recently. I mean Christ, Takato and Renny are the most popular Renamon pairing on FF.Net! It’s insane! I guess it’s because Takato is the most normal kid out there and people can relate to him a lot.

But today’s work is different... we’re dealing with a Male Renamon. Yes they exist. My criteria was never THE Renamon, just Renamon in general so he counts. And what Tamers is this guy Renny fucking today? None! Nope, we’re going back to season one folks! With the slash pairing that started all this bullshit... Tai and Matt! Remember how many girls kept writing about how they were doing each other in the ass? Well apparently they had room for one more...

-------------------------------

Hm. I know there are several other fics I could be working on right now (), but I was going through what I had on my computer and figured I should post a few things. It's been a while...

I know what ya mean... but did it have to be this crap? Couldn’t you have made something better?

Nope... couldn’t keep a straight face on that one. Yeah sorry, I shouldn't think these people have talent.

This fic in particular... lemme explain its history.

Oh boy my favourite subject.

I met a kid that I'll just call Muss right now, and I had promised him something for I think his birthday. And, well, he's a fur, and also a Digimon fan, so I was like, huh, maybe I'll write him some "yiff" and he'll enjoy it.

Maybe you should’ve ASKED him first... you know... before you just assumed what he liked concerning furry fanfics. I mean it sounds like you’re just assuming he likes gay porno here.

So I thought a bit, and I knew he loved Renamon,

Renamon is a girl, German dub notwithstanding. Is this kid German? Is he aware that Renamon from tamers is NOT a dude? If the answers are No and Yes, why are you writing a dude Renamon getting screwed by two other dudes? I’m not getting your logic.

so I went to Splash's page and re-read "Tamers, Splash-Style!" which is what canon this fic is based in. (I got Splash's permission to use her characters and canon, except I used the Japanese names for Taichi (Tai) and Yamato (Matt).)

Oh... I see... you picked this up from a girl... excuse me.

(One Minute Later)

Well I looked it up, apparently “Tamers: Splash Style” is a fan comic where the author decided that Matt and Tai should be the stars of Tamers... of course. It makes so much sense. You know, it’s pretty sad when you can’t even come up with your own shitty ideas pal, but you have to find other shitty ideas to make up for it.

Sadly, this story is mostly shameless PWP, so um... forgive the sort of directionless-ness. XD

You just don’t give a fuck do you? That’s it isn’t it? This is a last minute thing you cooked up because you made a promise to someone and you couldn’t figure out what to do. Wow... with the knowledge of how much thought you put into this I just know this is gonna suck.

Yes, there is human/Digimon in this fic. And no, I don't consider it bestiality, because Digimon are capable of thought and speech.

So is a Parrot, that criteria alone isn’t enough to justify having sex with it. I can make a better case for why Renamon/Human fiction isn’t bestiality then you and I’m just a stupid jerk with too much time on his hands.

If you got an issue with it, go elsewhere.

Can I still stay if I don’t have an issue with Furries and bestiality but my only concern refers to the quality of the text?

Especially if you're gonna be all anti-fur about it.

Well I’ll take that as an “Its cool” then. I’ll just remember to leave out any furry jokes, after all ED kinda played every single one to death.

This fic was written by a non-fur for a furry friend, so deal with it, 'kay? Good. :3

Then I seriously think you should’ve put more thought into this, given that you are not a furry yourself. Still... this could be interesting. How does one outside the fandom write works for it?

As always, enjoy~!

I enjoy all my fanfic autopsies good sir, no matter how nauseous they make me feel.

________________________________________

It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

The line that best describes every Heist Movie ever made.

At least, that's what Renamon felt. It was like treading on an object that didn't belong to you, breaking it, and not knowing what to do with the broken pieces.

Well if afterschool specials have taught me anything it’s you try to piece it back together with glue, fail and then just out and admit what you did learning a valuable lesson about honesty.

Should you mention it to the owner? Should you pretend nothing happened? Or should you try to fix it and leave it where it was?

Best just to pack up and leave for Mexico, it’s the only option now.

He didn't know.

All he knows is that he ain’t paying for it.

Ever since Taichi and Yamato came to his rescue that day, the day his village was burnt to the ground by that beast Masatormon, his life became an endless series of picking up piece after piece and mending that which was nearly impossible to fix.

So this is slightly more difficult than a vase or lamp huh?

Despite his mere sixteen years, he felt jaded far beyond that. In such a short span of time, he had to force himself to grow up.

Fable: A Renamon’s Journey, a Lionhead Studio game by Peter Molyneux.

This time for sure guys! Totally revolutionize gaming! For Realz! Honest! – Peter

Yamato mentioned something like that to him once.

He had played one too many Fantasy RPGs himself.

Renamon couldn't begin to comprehend what Taichi and Yamato had been through. Fighting evil Digimon after evil Digimon, gaining and losing friends left and right, suffering untold horrors under malevolent hands...

Somehow managing to survive repeat viewings of Highlander II with accompanying music by Rebbeca Black.

Renamon was surprised at how well they seemed to function. They were just fourteen, in the bodies of eleven-year-olds.

So, they’re age regressed... okay I’m gonna assume this is like what happened in that space saga season of Sonic X with Chris then.

Yet they seemed so much older than Renamon... and by extension, equally more jaded.

They tried to express through competitions meant to decide which one’s hairstyle said “Disillusioned Cynic” better. Tough call between the giant bush of hair and the jerk rocker look.

But it didn't get to them. Ever. When they'd hop on Aquilamon's back, headed off in a new direction, Taichi would grin like it was some magnificent game,

The most dangerous game of them all.

Yamato's hands gently laced around Taichi's waist. And Yamato, too, would be affected by Taichi's infectious optimism.

I don’t think that was all that was infecting him.

The blatant rivalry Yamato recounted to Renamon was imperceptibly subtle, if it existed at all anymore. That or they were quite adept at hiding things.

From you at least, I have a feeling everyone else is aware of something you ain’t I’m not just saying that cause I know this a slash fic.

It was late one evening that Renamon learned the extent to which they were capable of keeping secrets, secret.

I get a feeling we’re gonna have to explain something to this Renamon. Get the book “I have Two Daddies.”

He had taken off his gloves to relieve himself and take a moonlit bath, a nightly ritual he felt was highly symbolic of cleansing the sin that tarnished his fur, of regret and rage and resignation.

He was a dirty dirty little boy, so very dirty. Christ, when he said this thing was basically a bloody Porno movie he wasn’t kidding, this is opening like something the Cinema Snob would watch.

He was the last of his village, the only one left to live... had he been able...

If only he hadn’t stopped to pick up that candy bar!

He smashed the water with his fist and floated gently on his back, staring up into the pitch night sky. The only sounds were those of Digimon Taichi mentioned sounded like "crickets" (what those were Renamon hadn't asked)

I bet they’re just called Cricketmon over here in the West. Although I could find no reference to them, head to Digimon Wiki, see if you can find one that looks like a cricket. I command it!

and the gentle lapping of lake water against the shore. Usually this late at night Renamon could also hear Yamato's soulful music, something he did when he couldn't sleep.

Beat he doesn’t get much sleep some nights. By the by... that ain’t singing. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Renamon guessed he was so worn out from the day's activities that he had drifted right off.

He got worn out from something alright.

Closing his eyes and taking in the quiet atmosphere, Renamon internalized, reliving the events of the day. They were tracking a Guilmon who, Renamon surmised (with Aquilamon's agreement) knew whereabouts Masatormon was located and how to get there.

I’d make a complaint that Guilmon was artificially created by Takato and thus is the only one that exists... but fuck it. This ain’t based on the actual series anyway and it’s just a damn PWP slash fic.

It was the first day in quite some time that they hadn't been chased by that fanatic Tokomon and his Gargomon steed. For that, Renamon was immensely grateful.

Probably busy doing some stereotypical knightly thing. Like murdering peasants and killing droves of people while cheating at jousting.

What? I read “Horrible Histories” as a kid, I know the real deal.

A soft, jittery chuckle snapped his concentration instantly.

As well as his spin in several places.

Renamon's first instinct was to retaliate, attack,

This Renamon is jumpy as fuck like that.

yet something almost like a learned habit reined in his instinct. That chuckle was undeniably Taichi's.
Holding his breath, Renamon listened intently, cocking an ear. Why was Taichi awake this late?

Probably mindlessly surfing on the net like me... I have no life whatsoever.

Why was he laughing?

Funny Viral Videos, same as me.

Was it another Digimon's trickery, perhaps a result of disorentiation?

I think that’s a Pokemon attack sir.

As he rose from the water, shaking droplets from his tail, Renamon stealthily neared the edge of the forest where they were camped, pressing his back against the trunk of a tree. His nature granted him heightened senses in the dark, and his sight was on par with Aquilamon's, allowing him to peer into the dark underbrush with ease.

I always thought Renamon were the Predators of the Digimon universe, now this tidbit confirms it. Wonder if they hunt with spear guns too. I love the sound it makes when you pick one of the decapitated heads up with it.

What? I just got the game after over a decade of not playing it! Cut me some slack!

"Taichi, please... this is torture..."

Torture? ...Oh, Renamon realized, newfound social skills kicking in at last. Sarcasm.

Thank goodness, we may have had some stupid wacky hijinks involving Renamon rushing in and having to have bondage explained to him.

Taichi laughed again, slightly louder. "You're just too easy to tease, Yamato."

"Could you at least hurry up then? I don't think I can last much longer like this."

It would be slightly hilarious if they were just moving a piano and Tai was making him carry most of the weight.

Renamon focused on where their voices were coming from, and felt his body tense up in shock. The two were intertwined on the grassy forest floor, naked and sweaty, Yamato pinned beneath Taichi as the dark-haired boy ran his tongue down Yamato's chest.

This wasn’t about sex though, they just spilled a lot of maple syrup on each other and they couldn’t get it off any other way.

Sudden warmth rose to Renamon's face, a fluttering sensation starting up in his gut. He definitely was not supposed to have seen this, yet...

Which implies he was supposed to see it when his brain could properly comprehend it.

It was unspoken fact that Digimon were not sexual creatures by nature. Being data, they didn't necessarily have a need to reproduce like flesh-and-blood creatures.

Huh, that’s the first time I’ve seen someone actually address that point in comics. Digimon aren’t normal animals so regular rules of reproduction don’t apply. Most authors just assume they’re like animals and write them having sex saying they’re “in heat.” Could it be this writer DID put some thought into this?

It was obvious to Renamon that the two boys weren't doing what they were doing for that purpose, however, and that was what made him suddenly feel heated. It looked... fun.

Never mind, forget I gave any credit to this person. Let’s go on reading it for what it is, a stupid plotless porno story.

A cautious paw trailed down his ruff, almost unconsciously. Renamon twisted the fur there, considering what to do. Some unbidden feelings were criss-crossing his body, furthering his anxiety.

You know, its weird how seemingly normal straight people suddenly become gay upon witnessing acts of sex. You’d think these people buy into the whole “Gayness is a disease” bullcrap even though they’re glorifying it with this dribble.

With a sigh, he stroked the fur of his stomach down to the area between his thighs. Some instinctual feeling was driving his every move as he kept his eyes focused on Yamato, watching as Taichi's mouth enveloped him.

Which is weird since Digimon, by this Fanfic’s admission, don’t understand the concept of sex and therefore should be more confused by it then turned on. But here I go again trying to give meaning to a shitty prono like that guy who does those artsy fartsy films on TGWTG.com. Oh well, I guess someone had to think about this kind of shit since the writer didn’t.

It seemed like seconds later he was already over some imagined precipice, white fluid coating his paw. It had felt beyond anything he'd ever experienced... insanely joyous.

Soon after the ghost of Samuel Auguste Tissot, appeared and slapped Renamon across his face and saidf “No! No! Stop it! Stop it!” then briefly paused before saying “Although I suppose your hands are already covered with fur so...”

What you don’t know who Samuel Auguste Tissot is? Well, now you do, he’s the asshole who made your church leaders preach to you about how you’d go blind from pulling your wiener and other untrue facts about your private time. I hope you’ve learned something from all this.

Tentatively he sniffed at his paw, taking a tiny dab at it with his tongue. Bittersweet...

Could you NOT eat your own bodily fluids please? I mean... gross.

Though hard as it was for him to admit, he very deeply loved Yamato. Yet he realized that Yamato belonged to Taichi, and that... well, he was a Digimon. It doesn't work that way. Humans and Digimon, together? Like... like that? Of course not.

Please it doesn’t stop dogs from humping their masters does it?

A prickling crawled up his neck right then, like someone was watching him.

How come I feel like, somebody’s watching me!

He whipped around, desperately swiping his paw against his hip. His heart was hammering against his chest; he'd been caught.

"Yamato..." he breathed, throwing all of his effort into keeping his eyes level.

Yamato just smiled cryptically. "Taichi, you were right."

Right? About what? Renamon wondered wildly.

That having sex outdoors was probably a really stupid idea and they should’ve found a better spot.

Oh fuck who am I kidding, it has to do with wanting to fuck him doesn’t it?

Taichi appeared behind Yamato, slinging his arms around Yamato's hip and resting his head on his shoulder. "Heheh, Rena, it figures."

"What... what figures?" he stammered, paws clenching and unclenching erratically.

That the one male Renamon we ever find out here is attracted to men. Human men. It’s a good thing your species doesn’t propagate the same way most organic creatures do or you’d be extinct by now.

The two parted, Taichi coming around behind him, Yamato dropping to his knees in front of him.

Ah, double whammy, of course.

Renamon glanced back and forth between them, silently demanding an explanation.

For ocne I actually think the writer is gonna adhere to the “show don’t tell” rule.

He felt Taichi lean forward and brush his lips against Renamon's ear. A tremor shot through his body as Taichi whispered, "We'll let you join in, you know..."

"J-join in..."

Meh, close enough. I’ll give the author half a point I guess.

"Mmm..." Taichi pressed his body against Renamon's. "Yamato told me... he'd always wondered... if he and I could, well, y'know..."

Crap, I have no bloody clever metaphors for gay man sex! Oh wait!

They’re talking about how they thought you wanted to ride on the other-side of the tracks.

There that’s a keeper.

"I'm afraid..." Renamon swallowed thickly, "I don't."

Says the Digimon who jacked off to live gay porno.

"Yamato, show him what I mean."

Renamon's eyes widened as suddenly Yamato was on him, creating a feeling that outperformed anything what he'd done to himself could ever have done.

I guess Matt’s band career was just a clever plow to practice his ORAL skills on stage in front of everyone. Cheap joke, I know, but fuck it this story is almost over.

"Also," Taichi continued, voice lowered so that only Renamon could hear him, "Yamato wants you to know... he loves you, too, Rena. This isn't just a kink or something. It's real."

Captain Benjamin Sisko: IT’S REEEEEAAAAAAALL! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!

Somehow Taichi managed to conduct enough authenticity into this remark that Renamon instantly relaxed into the touch. He clenched his hips reflexively, leaning his head back against Taichi's shoulder and moaning shamelessly.

Shame is overrated as George Takei would say.

Yamato hummed with laughter around him, another lightning bolt of feeling flitting through him yet again.

That was an actual lightning bolt by the way, another reason you shouldn’t have sex outside. Three charbroiled bodies... gonna be a hell of a mess to explain to the coroner now. Especially how they’re positioned, but good for a laugh I guess.

"What... is this...?" Renamon managed, Taichi pausing just long enough from his nipping at Renamon's neck to answer.

"Pleasure."

“And this is pain.” Tai said as he smashed Renamon’s head in with a mallet.

Pleasure... Renamon thought, wondering vaguely how many other Digimon had the chance to experience this. It was pure bliss, absolute hedonism.



And Renamon was loving every moment of it.

Statistically someone has to. I’m just happy we’re almost done.

And somehow there it was again... it again seemed over far too soon.

Not soon enough.

Yamato was lapping at him, finishing up every last drop, rising to his feet to wrap his arms around Renamon, nestling his face into the fur of Renamon's ruff.

You can’t motorboat a dude pal! The fuck are you doing?

"Rena, I'm so glad..." he sighed, Renamon noticing the wetness he identified as tears soaking his fur. "I know we're both just so young... and I know... I know I look hardly older than eleven, but... know this. I really do love you."

Well thanks, now not only is this shit slash fiction it’s also underage porn. I’m going to jail now, thanks, thanks a lot. I hate you so much.

Renamon smiled, leaning back to lick Yamato's cheek.

"Thank you, Yamato... thank you."

--------------------------------------------------

UGH! That was so tedious, second fic in a row and I’m still flaccid. Not just because the stories involved slash, but because the stories were deprived of anything I found interesting or appealing.

There were some things I thought could be expanded upon. Digimon don’t have the same reproductive cycle as we do, we know that for a fact. They all pop up as eggs one time or another, no explanation. At least that’s how it worked the first two go arounds. Point is, a story about Renamon or any Digimon discovering sex and trying to come to terms with it would be actually interesting. It could again bring up the many issues surrounding artificial intelligence and if it can truly be considered as a living thinking thing and not just a constructed machine. It doesn’t have to be about sex! It can be about digital construct understand the human condition and thus becoming more human itself!

But why bother with that when you can just make shitty fanfiction involving gay sex between two anime characters and a rule 63 version of Renamon.

Anyway, I’ve wasted my time on these two fanfics. I'm still no closer to better understanding this strange phenomenom. It’s time to get something back from all this. That's where you come in.

Look I need to find fanfics involving Renamon doing SOMEONE besides Takato but it’s really hard to track them down. So I’m calling on you loyal readership... however few you are because of how much people ignore me... to find me some damn Renamon on Human action! I don’t care what it is, just get me some bloody fics! We’re never gonna understand this condition people unless we get some hard hitting data! Do it for science! Yes, SCIENCE! One Hundred percent for Science and not to satisfy some perverse fetish of mine. Isn’t that right Dr. Dala?



Why of course Dr. Lizard. What other reason would I have to scan each of these works of fiction with my soothing woo-woo wooing. What with all its tantalizing strange and curious perversions of other skinvelopes. Mmmmm, yes, indeed, so filthy, yet so... intriguing.

Ha ha, you’re gonna be a great addition to this team Dala. I can tell.

Please send us more subjects my dear little Teddy Bears. I do so ever wish to learn... more. Yesssss. More... mmmmmhm.

The march of progress shall not be denied! For Science!

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Nov 30 2011, 08:45 PM

[T_K_17]

Look I need to find fanfics involving Renamon doing SOMEONE besides Takato but it’s really hard to track them down. So I’m calling on you loyal readership... however few you are because of how much people ignore me... to find me some damn Renamon on Human action! I don’t care what it is, just get me some bloody fics!

Searching FF.net for Renamon yiff fics sounds tempting, but my head has a date with a hammer and nail, so I'll have to pass.

[Lizard-Man]

You're thinking far too small sir. FF.Net isn't the only site with preverted people you know. There's Adult Fanfiction.net, Deviantart, countless Fic archive sites, the list goes on. It can't possibly be that hard to locate a few. I'm overloaded with Takato/Renamon stuff is all and I'd like some extra eyes keeping a look out for these sorts of things. That's all I'm asking.

[Waffleman]

If you want, I can pretend the Kyuubi girl in the Naruto fic I'm doing is Renamon.

[Lizard-Man]

That doesn't count, it's not Renamon. Look just look in a Digimon Fanfic archive if you ever find yourself the time and see if you can find anything. If you do let me know about it through a PM and I'll see if I can make a mock about it.

[Lizard-Man]

I realised that I’m keeping focus too locked on to the obvious Renamon gets with a digidestined or Tamer stuff. I mean there’s a whole world of characters Renamon could be screwing, well I couple worlds I actually. Point is, I had an idea. Crossovers! Of course right? Authors are always making retarded ass pairings by crossing the fandoms. So then... whose Renamon’s lover today? I mean it could be anybody right?



OH COME ON! Naruto! Fucking again! Son of a bitch! Why the fuck do you keep haunting me Uzumaki? Is it because there isn’t a decent author in your fandom to be found? Is it because I hate Kisihi bullshit and call him out on it? It’s that isn’t it? Kisihi is haunting me! Why must your fans infect every orifice of FF.net! And people complain about ponies being everywhere! Naruto is fucking everywhere! I see the little bastard in my dreams now! Now he’s screwing Renamon! Of course, why the fuck not? I mean they already having him screwing the demon that lives inside him who turns out is in fact a girl! Why not Renamon? She’s a fox too! Fund it! Fund it to the grave bitches!

Dala why the fuck did we pick this?



It presents a unique opportunity. Brains still wearing their skin developed these two shows as mass marketing ploys to entice young lobotomites into purchasing frivolous items. Yet both series have developed a particularly degenerate following, one of extremely lurid tastes of all kinds. Transmissions of fluids between multiple partners, animals, same sex, even strange gender bended couplings involving all manner of depraved urges that I no longer have. So much scintillating scientifically rich date, so moist so tender. Mmmmm, yes, my diodes and transistors go positively ecstatic at the mere thought of all the combinations of bodies lying together with fluids and other devices seemingly created stimulate more pleasure. Even if some of them appear to be for torture. No fandoms in the anime realm are sicker with the stench of filthy filthy Teddy Bear sensuality than these two. Oh I’m all a tingle, I must return to my screen... to study... yes study.

You do that then Dala, I’ll just try and get through this without blowing my brains out. Here’s “Naruto Tamers”, one of many peculiar creations of a fanfom of Renamon/Naruto shippers. Let’s get Jane Goodall up on these freaky critters then.

---------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: I do not own naruto or digimon, only this story and plot.

Naruto Tamers

So is the show all about trying to get Naruto’s clones to behave?

Uzumaki Namikaze Naruto was running away from Konohagakure no sato. Why?

I guess Sarutobi’s “All Zombies Welcome” strategy finally went to shit as I knew it would.

Because that blasted council, the civilian part, called for a vote to decide if he should be punished for bringing back the traitorous Uchiha Sasuke with a few minor scratches on his person.

Oh boy it’s one of these stories again. I’ll chime in on this in a second, just read. No seriously read this shit. Read it aloud. Find out what’s wrong before I mention it. Read the whole thing, the whole explanation top to bottom.

The entirety of the ninja half of the council voted no, but every last civilian, save Tuechi Ichiraku (He voted with the ninjas), voted to banish naruto.

Guess everyone else prefers pirates.

Unfortunately the civilians outweighed the ninjas.

They sit all day in a chair eating hot dogs they’re gonna put on a few pounds, we warned them.

Of course this didn't go well with tsunade, so she ordered naruto's inheritance be given to him, away from the council of course.

At least he won’t run out of money while he’s banished. He’ll be a rich hobo! Gotta admit, don’t see that much. Hope he doesn’t get mugged with all that money weighing him down.

When naruto was told who his parents were, he wasn't too surprised as to who his father was, hell, he'd placed bets with himself as to who his dad was.

Course he now wanted to go up to the fourth’s face on the mountain and punch it in the stomach... but that ain’t doable of course, no stomach ya see.

So he wasn't surprised when he was told his dad was Namikaze Minato, the Yondame hokage, the yellow flash, ect., was his pops.

Pops? The fuck is this the 90’s?

He had no clue his mother was a redhead though. How his hair was completely neon blonde with that deep of red on his mothers' side was beyond him.

Don’t ask me, both my siblings are redheads. I’m the only blonde here!

Kyuubi offered to put streaks of red in his hair if naruto made the seal more comfortable,

A demon can do that? I would imagine he’d have far better uses for his power than hair dying.

so naruto, with some trial and error, managed to change the seal into an endless expanse of forest and greenery with the seal being a collar with spikes pointing outward.

Yes, give the ancient evil of doom and destruction that killed countless people more space to move around and potentially take over your body. Smooth move dumbass.

Kyuubi loved it and immediately made a den for himself in one of the cliff faces in naruto's mind. An hour later, naruto had two streaks of red an inch and a half thick on either side of the middle blonde streak, and the rest of his hair on either side of the streaks was still blonde of course. He loved it, and thanked Kyuubi.

Aww isn’t that nice? The evil hellspawn who made Naruto’s life a living hell and wants to take over the world is now Naruto’s buddy. Ain’t that special! Friendship truly is magic!

Jiraiya helped with the getting of every thing that belonged to naruto rightfully by sealing every thing in the namikaze estate, and the estate itself, into sealing scrolls, then sealing those scrolls in one big heavy duty sealing scroll, then sealing that into a scroll small enough to fit in his pocket.

Yo dog! We heard you like scrolls! So we put your house in a scroll, in a scroll in a big ass scroll so you can look at scrolls while you scrolling! PEACE!

Seriously, this is fucking stupid and also impossible. You can’t just lug a damn house around in a fucking scroll like its some kind of TARDIS! It doesn’t work that way! You just want an excuse for why he’s able to have a swanky house of his own! You know you could’ve said Namikaze owned another estate away from the village and THAT’S where Naruto goes!

He also shed himself of the hideous orange jumpsuit, burned it, and bought himself a more 'ninja fit' attire.

So Naruto hated that thing he never took off? Huh, gotta admit that’s weird. I mean was it the only thing he owned in terms of clothes? That’s kinda sad. Ah crap it also probably wasn’t washed regularly. Yuck.

It consisted of black shinobi pants taped off at the bottom, a black, sleeveless AMBU-style shirt, some lightweight armor,

So basically generic as fuck can be. You know why not just give him his post-timeskip outfit. It’s an improvement and keeps his individuality intact without making look like just another ninja henchman stereotype.

and a pair of purple sleeves with the ying-yang symbol over the back of his hands(picture Renamon's sleeves on naruto, only purple instead of blue, and made for humans).

Question, why? What purpose does this serve and explain to me where he got them? Why purple sleeves? I’d imagine purple is far more noticeable than Orange. How is this an improvement stealth wise?

He then got his fathers' trench coat and modified it, putting a design of a cartoonish fox laughing hysterically at whoever looked at it.

How respectful of your father’s things you little shit.

Jiraiya, on naruto's request, had gone to wave country and retrieved Zabuza's sword. Naruto said he wanted to honor the swordsman by keeping the sword in use, instead of letting it rust in the ground. He'd have liked that.

Actually I think a swordsman would prefer his weapon be buried by his side. Especially one whose whole point of redemption was realising that he killed so many people and he honestly realised that he had let the one person he did care about die for him. I don’t think Zabuza would like knowing you’re both grave robbing him and using his sword to kill more people.

Oh and if you feel this way why the fuck didn’t you do it in the first place?

Of course, when the countries naruto had helped learned of his banishment, they cut all ties with konoha, they stopped trading goods with them, and sent their mission requests to other villages, cutting konoha's budget in half.

They probably wrote their termination of relations declaration with the words “NENER NENER NEEEEENER! NYAH NAH NYAH BOO BOO!” in the closing sentence as well.

The civilian council didn't like that, and tried to force the other countries to continue trading, but the ninja council didn't like that and denied the usage of force, because that sort of vote needed a unanimous decision.

So they WANT Konoha to essentially shrivel up, die and become economically bankrupt then?

All this had taken a week, and at the end of the mandatory 7-day 'get your stuff, say your goodbyes, then get the hell out' period given to all banished ninjas, he left the village.

So if all that took place in a week and Konoha soon realised that they had made a mistake and screwed their economy over why didn’t the Ninjas make the offer to rescind the order based on that argument? Why didn’t the council decide they were better off with Naruto than without? Why does this all sound so fucking stupid?

That brings back to now.

NO! Fuck off! I’m telling them why this is stupid! It all goes back to the top. This is a standard plot device idiot writers of these fanfics use in an attempt to show they understand politics... and fail every time. They have Naruto beat the shit out of Sasuke, bring him back and because he beat him up horribly he gets banished and everyone hates him for some reason.

Okay, a little challenge for ya guys, just a little. Say a soldier or spy, betrays his country and sides with the enemy of his own accord. Now a special team goes in and steals him back. But because he was a traitor they had to rough him up a bit. Now imagine if those people were not greeted as heroes for capturing a traitor but were subsequently banished for having beat the little shit up. Does this make sense at all?

If you answered no, congrats, you can use your noodle! Unlike EVERY FUCKING IDIOT WHO WRITES THIS SHIT AS THE OUTSET OF THEIR SHITTY STORY! Explain to me, why the fuck would Konoha’s civilian government be pissed off at Naruto for kicking the ass of a traitor to their country? How does that make any fucking sense? HOW!?! It doesn’t! This is simply something Naruto fanfic writers do when they want to basically say “Look at [insert character/s’ name here] he/she/they’re such jerks! Naruto did his job but they’re making him turn in his badge like Dirty Harry! What a bunch of assholes! You hate them as much as I do now right?”

They’ve used it to bash Sakura, Konoha’s ninjas, Danzo, (Who hates the Uchihas by the way so why the fuck he would care is beyond me) Kakashi and pretty much everyone Naruto loves or cares about that they don’t like. None of it makes sense at all, it’s so incredibly out of character for them that it’s insane! Why would you banish this person for beating up a TRAITOR! That makes no fucking sense! At least come up with something believable!

You also may have noticed all the cool gadgets, outfits and weapons Naruto now has. I don’t think I need to tell you he’s now a canon sue of epic proportions, rivalling Count Logan in pure bullshit meters of suedom. I mean Christ, a cape, Zabuza’s Sword, a house in a stack of scrolls, lots of cash, RED STREAKS OF FUCKING HAIR! It’s every hallmark of a Sue in one drop! A character that is made ridiculously powerful and is designed by the author to look cool despite functionality or sense, merely existing to look awesome as according to however the author prefers it aesthetically. We’re not out of the prologue yet and already I can tell this is gonna go downhill fast. We now return you to our regularly scheduled shitfest.

-SCEAN CHANGE OF DOOM-

Zim: All humans shall tremble at my transitions of doom! WA HA HA HA HA HA!

Naruto was running as fast as his legs could take him, witch was pretty fast considering he was only a gennin.

And he’s lugging a huge as fucking sword around along with his inheritance, a fucking cape and a bunch of scrolls sealed within another to conceal a fucking mansion! But the Gennin part, yeah that is a bit of a handicap I’ll admit.

Unfortunately the Ne(ROOT)Anbu Danzo had sent after him were gaining on him.

Okay, why is Danzo after him? He’s banished! He’s not a problem anymore! Why the fuck do you care? Oh wait! Naruto fanfic! Danzo’s actions don’t need to make fucking sense! Moving on.

He stopped in a clearing, planning several ways to slow them down, because after all, he was a master prankster for years, evasion was one of his stronger points.

Whoopie cushions and joy buzzers aren’t gonna save you Naruto I hope you like your new shuriken diet.

As he was about to turn and initiate plan A, a beam of pink light and numbers raced over him, and sucked him out of this dimension, putting him into one much more technologically advanced, and much more accepting.

Yes, cause the world that is ruled and governed by Digimon who hate humans in general will be so much more accepting of the human ninja with the demon in his stomach that he’s letting walk around free.

In fact, there would be a certain yellow furred vixen roughly 20 meters from his landing site.

CONVEINIENCE! A Lazy Writer’s best friend!
________________________________________

IMPORTANT:

Don’t drink battery acid with your cereal!

Okay, chapter one is a little short by some people's standards,

Short on sense or short in terms of how many pages it is? Cause honestly I think the former is more appropriate for this situation.

but, it's the first fic I've put on fanfiction, and it's more of an explanatory chapter.

So rushed exposition then despite how stupid it sounds? Good, glad we cleared that up.

The rest of the chapters will be, at the very least, twice the size of this one.

I measured... they ain’t.

Now for those wondering, the main pairing will be Naruto and Renamon, you guys, by popular vote, will decide the rest of the sub-pairings.

I looked, there are none. Funny, it’s almost like telling people to tell you what to put in your shitty story that apparently has no outline or plan is a bad thing.

I will be turning naruto into a digimon called Solomon.

Then why the fuck even bother making him Naruto in the first place then? And why would he turn into a digimon? That never happened to the other kids! Why set all this shit up if you’re just gonna make him a fucking digimon? My god, I’ve finally found a God-Mode Sue in its purest form!

You’re probably wondering however if this story still meets our criteria... well...

The little Teddy Bear known as Naruto is still technically a human. Much like myself though his brain is now in another body, one that has been highly sue-ified as well. This is much like the little Teddy Bears we meet in the fourth season of the show. They change into Digimon, but are still human, with all their tiny little teddy bear toes, muscular expressions and plasma running through their veins. All the things make me tremble with desire... for science of course. Therefore it still meets our criteria for the study.

I didn’t know you watched Digimon Frontier.

I wished to know if the fanfiction lived up to the source material in terms of peculiar mating rituals and sensual exhibitionism. The study was... incredibly disappointing. Also the faces on the characters did not contain merely enough emoting to please my... um... queries. Yes, that was truly disappointing. Can you contort your face for me Dr. Lizard? I’m hoping to make up for lost data. It would be... be stimulating.

Later Dala. We haven’t even got to the Renamon stuff yet.

He will look…well, his physical appearance will be explained in the next chapter,

Oh don’t keep me in suspense, I’m sure whatever you have planned will look just as cool as your red streaked blonde haired sue you’ve created. By the by, why even bother mentioning that if you’re gonna turn him into a bloody Digimon?

but it will be a little cliché, you know, fox, all his evolutions will have nine tails, Ect. He will still be able to use chakra and all it's wonders, so he can use a henge to go about in broad daylight, so don't worry about this being the only time we see naruto with the awesome trench coat.

Oh good I was afraid we’d never get to see that stupid from his dad which he butchered out of a total lack of respect for his father. Nice to also know that there will be no apparent drawbacks to him using this ability to change into a Digimon. Congrats on creating a truly horrendous Sue.

Naruto will be Renamon's tamer, yes the Renamon Rika/Ruki gets, rika is just too hard to write,

Really? Because from what I’ve seen a number of people actually HAVE written her well enough to not earn my ire. True their stories still suck, but at least they can more or less get Rika as a character. I mean she was pretty spot on in the Kazu story, so I really don’t see how she’s hard to write. Maybe you just suck ever think of that?

if I do her like I would sasuke, she'd come across as a power hungry bitch, and after awhile, renamon would start to hate her, eventually turning her into Blackrenamon, the virus attributed version of renamon, and she would destroy rika and any thing else in her path, inevitably ending in Blackrenamon's deletion.

So you can’t write a character like Rika without completely fucking her up and creating a really shitty BlackRenamon story then? Said character also sounds an awful lot like Count Logan now that I think about it. So much for being the “most unique villain ever” huh?

Not going there. I like renamon too much…no not like that you sick bastards, as a character.

Which is why you have an author avatar that will be dating her in this story. I think someone needs to come out of the furry closet.

Though I have to admit, renamon is attractive, even by furry standards.

Oh yeah, definitely need to come out of the furry closet. No need to be defensive sir, everyone’s got the hots for Renamon. Even ED and they hate furries.

ANYWAY, I look forward to reading your reviews, should you choose to leave one. Please, minimal flames, constructive criticism is appreciated, if you do flame I will use them to cook my food.

How do you make scathing anger filled reviews into a fuel source to cook eggs? You could solve a great portion of the energy crisis like that.

Hello, and welcome to another installment of naruto tamers!
I will never get over how that name implies Naruto at a dog school.

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of any series or game used, just the story itself.

Naruto awoke with a groan. The only part of his body that didn't ache was his head.

There’s nothing in it, why would it hurt?

The last thing he remembered was coming out of the pink beam and falling from a ridiculously high point in the air. He opened his eyes and saw the night sky, and the earth floating where it should…wait, what!

You know narrator it’s the character’s job to express these things, not you.

Naruto's eyes flew wide open and indeed saw the earth, but the continents were all wonky and out of place.

They were actually in the right place it’s just Naruto failed geometry.

He heard movement nearby and looked at its source, and nearly gasped. Across from a fire was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Yes, truly Elisha Cuthbert is sight to behold. Is she wearing frilly lace white under garments perchance?

It had a humanoid appearance, but it wasn't human.

It’s The Thing! Quick! Get the Flamethrower!

Childes: The what?!

It looked more like a bi-peidal fox, with yellow-blonde fur, purple sleeves, a white underbelly, and a mane of white fur around its neck that covered part of its chest. Its eyes were a soft cerulean blue, much like his own, but what should be the whites of its eyes was a solid black. It was currently sitting, so if he were to guess, he would say it was five-foot-six-inches tall.

Naruto also sucks at math, as much as our dear narrator here. Why do people not get that Renamon is tall? And five foot isn’t very tall? It’s rather average to be honest.

It noticed he was awake, and said in a definitely female voice, "I see that you're awake. I was beginning to worry, you've been unconscious for two days."

Really? Then he should probably have brain damage if he took that long to wake up. Maybe he’s just a lazy bum ever think of that?

Naruto was surprised. "Only two days? After a fall like that, I expected to be unconscious for at least a week." He said while sitting up.

Yep, he’s incredibly fucking lazy. Also, why would you assume that’s how long you would’ve been out? The common reaction is to say “Two Days? Christ.” And if you were out for a week, that would constitute a freakin’ coma. You’re just trying to show he’s super smart or something aren’t you?

" Really? A week? Well, you did leave a five-foot crater in the ground." The fox replied.

Well then, he shouldn’t have been unconscious at all. He should be dead. But then again, maybe ninjas are just able to survive such extreme shit. After all, anyone whose watched the show has seen as such.

Still, this is not Dragonball Z and while they can pull off amazing feats they can’t survive shit like falling out of the sky and slamming into the ground creating a five foot deep crater. They don’t do that.

Naruto shrugged, he'd made bigger ones before.

Bullshit, he hasn’t. Not as a normal regular human!

Then he realized he hadn't gotten her name.

You gotta know what to call her before you tap her after all.

"Say, what's your name anyway?" he queried. "Renamon. And you?" "Uzumaki Namikaze Naruto, at you service." He did a silly little sitting half-bow earning himself a chuckle from the now named Renamon.

Mostly out of spite of how stupid looking he was doing it.

Also, I kept this paragraph intact to let you know how he’s writing this story. Basically he does not separate dialogue. A really annoying habit I hate concerning a lot of writers.

She then looked confused. "Wait a minute, you aren't a Digimon? 'Cause you sure as hell look like one."

Don’t let the ridiculous outfit fool you, he is indeed not a Digimon no matter how goofy his hair is.

Naruto was confused. What was a digimon? He decided to voice his conffuzeled-ness.

That’s not a word, get a thesaurus.

"The hell is a digimon?" He oh-so-eloquently asked.

Renamon looked surprised at his statement, so she explained that digimon were essentially constructs of data with sentient life.

To her this must be like teaching a mentally retarded person what it means to breath.

Most chose to fight and delete each other, while some, like her, simply wandered the digital world, fighting only when the need arose,

Um excuse me, Renamon originally was a lot like Rika. She went around looking for fights to become stronger. She only changed her tune when she realised she wanted more. Where the hell is this coming from?

while still some chose to settle down in some village.

But not like the one from that M. Night movie, that was shit.

"Hmm…I see…and what makes you say I'm one?"

So from dialogue to exposition to dialogue, ten seconds flat. Nice one. Maybe you should consider not cutting to narrator exposition in the middle of a scene unless it’s needed. Like information the reader already knows or when it doesn’t sound off putting and seems like a means to cut corners.

Renamon didn't answer, instead, she used a little known power that all species of Renamon had.

If they all have it how is it little known?

She made a 17x18 mirror out of the same crystal (I fought so hard not to write krystal instead)

And why exactly? Do you have a Moral Kombatese stigma where you write all C’s as K’s?

that her 'Fox Leaf Arrowhead' attack was made of. She handed it to him, and when he looked in it, this time, he did gasp. He saw, not the blonde-haired

With red streaks! Don’t forget the red streaks! You made a big fucking deal about them after all.

blue-eyed semi-short teenager he was used to, but a six-foot-six Anthropomorphic fox. To better examine himself, he stood up on his now Digigrade legs.

Say, considering you bowed before... how come you didn’t notice that your hands and legs were different? How come most people have shitty peripheral vision in these stories?

His arm guards were still there, as was the rest of his clothing, but now he was covered in reddish fur, his forearms, hands, half way down his shins, and his new Digigrade

Look, Digigrade is also not a word. Stop using it.

paw-feet were covered in black fur. Both his hands and feet had wicked-looking sharp claws on them. He also noticed he still had his ninja attire on, but modified to fit his new body.

Because clothing can do that apparently.

He looked mostly like a regular anthro fox,

Yes because anthropomorphic foxes are just so common.

but he had nine tails instead of just one.

Because he’s a special little snowflake.

He could probably blame that on Kyuubi. His whisker marks had turned into real whiskers, three on each cheek, and his incisors were both an inch out of his mouth, which looked very sharp.

Incisors are sharp, I’m learning a lot today.

He had a streak of pure red spiky fur going back from just above his forehead, to the back of his skull, and two neon blonde streaks on either side.

Oh now they’re blonde streaks and he has red hair! What a twist folks!

Finally, the tips of his ears and tails were Black.

Thank you for that needlessly overly explanatory description, Jag off.

"Weird, I didn't look this way when I left konoha, must be the effect of being in the digital world as opposed to the real one."

Yeah cause we all know the exact same thing happened to the Tamers when they arrived in the- oh wait no! They didn’t! That would’ve been stupid!

He said while looking down rubbing his 'chin'. Just the underside of his jaw really.

Chins are also the underside of the jaw, yes, yes, this truly is a learning experience. Tell us more.

Then he realized something. If he was out for two days, he should be starving. He should feel like eating a million bowls of teuchi oji-san's ramen. Except…"Hey Renamon-chan, if I was out for two days, how is it I'm not starving?" He asked, unconsciously adding the '-chan' suffix to Renamon's name.

Oh he did? I didn’t realise when you wrote down he called her Renamon-Chan! I mean I totally didn’t notice that you just called her Renamon-Chan! Thank you for letting me know I woudl’ve totally missed it an been completely confused.

She blushed lightly under her fur at the honorific, but answered his question regardless. "It's because everything here is data, so there is no real need to eat,

Despite the fact Digimon also need to eat to keep their strength up. Even if they are data they are still partially alive. Thank you for being a dumbass writer and proving it with every sentence your write.

you eat when you run low on energy, or if you want to. Mostly when you want to."

So you just contradicted your own statement. If you don’t have to eat, why do you have to eat when you’re low on energy? You noticed you made a mistake and didn’t even bother properly correcting it didn’t you? How come you didn’t just decide to have Renamon tell him she’s been feeding him throughout his little coma? That would’ve been an easy work around.

After she said this, there was noise behind them. " Speaking of eating, you two might make for a good dinner!"

With some fava beans and a nice chianti (Tongue sithing!)

Ten meters away was a Blackleomon, if renamon wasn't mistaken,

Renamon: Oh look it’s Blackleomon if I’m not mistaken. How utterly dull, what’s on TV today?

charging right for them, sword drawn. Acting on instinct, Naruto used an ability he would come to be known and feared for.

The Zoot Suit shuffle?

"SANITY SNACHER"

Couldn’t even spell the stupid attack right huh? Also, I’m guessing this is a genjutsu. Wonderful, the one area Naruto is supposed to have no skills at all in will be his trademark. LAME!

His eyes glowed green and the Blackleomon stopped, his eyes glazed over. Then, with a look of fear on his face, he screamed in terror, his imagination going haywire, causing him to hallucinate indescribable things, horrible things, things that would make even the most battle-hardened jashin(1) followers, Orochimaru, and even Madara HIMSELF cower in fear in the smallest corner they could find.

Oh come on, I don’t think the Rebecca Black Music Video is THAT terrible.

The Blackleomon was so scared, that he accidentally destroyed himself, turning into data, which floated away.

So Naruto just triggered the body’s suicide switch. Is this gonna turn into “The Happening” or something?

Renamon was surprised, awed, and a little frightened at the display of power. What had happened to the virus leomon?

Um... he got deleted. Was that not clear?

She shuddered, deciding that she really didn't want to know.

Naruto turned to her and saw her frightful eyes. "Is something the matter?" He asked. "w-What was that?" she tentatively asked. He stared off to the side. "Uhh…" 'Kyuubi, you mind helping me here?' he asked his tenant.

Okay, why the hell is he suddenly friends with the monster that ruined his life for years on end now? I mean, why? Honestly why are they on speaking terms now? Why do so many authors insist on making the Kyubbi essentially Cortana from Halo?

There was grumbling in the back of his head, the sound of pottery falling over and breaking, and a cat yowling. "What do you want kid?"

“I’m in the middle of a LAN party! Can you call back LATER please? I need to pwn these jerks already!”

Contrary to popular belief, Naruto and Kyuubi were on good terms.

Oh good, he’s gonna explain.

It happened shortly after naruto learned of his status as a Jinchuuriki(If someone could PM me the proper spelling I'd be very grateful),

You have the internet, look it up you idiot.

they both made a mutual agreement that benefited them both, seeing as they would likely be spending the rest of eternity together.

Um, no. The Nine Tails wants out. He doesn’t care about Naruto he wants out. He doesn’t give a shit if Naruto dies if he leaves he just wants out so he can ravage the world and kill countless more innocents. Why would he bother making an agreement with him when all he’s ever wanted is to bust out and kill people? And when he first met him he didn’t seem like that much of an understanding nice guy. In fact he tried to convince Naruto to let him out so he could go on a murder rampage! Do you pay attention to this series or not?

'Well for one, could you tell me what the attack I just used is?' Kyuubi looked through naruto's recent memories and examined them,

What? Does he have them on file? I get the distinct impression of the Kyuubi being at a desk and looking through his papers trying to find the right one so he can explain things like some kinf of clerk at the office. Does he color code the too? My God that’s hilarious.

and naruto's new body, concluding that his plan had worked.

Your plan? Your plan was to change him into a Digimon? Seriously? Why?

"Kit, you better be thankful I did what I did, or you'd be cheap lunch meat right now."

As opposed to that high end Lunch Meat they have at them fancy smancy hotels.

Naruto was confused. 'What did you do?'

Well do you understand the concept of aggressive genetic modification?

I do! I use it when I want to make certain appendages on lobotomites bigger. Nothing obscene of course, it’s most certainly not like that.

"I used a jutsu that sent us here, and the only way you'd survive is if you were a kitsune,

Yes, that was the only way. Forget the fact the Tamers survived just fine, it was THE ONLY WAY! Also, you have a jutsu that can open a portal to another dimension? What category would that fall under exactly?

so I did that, then I simply re-assembled your DNA into data to correspond with the new world we are in.

Amazingly you aren’t dead from such a procedure. DNA is not like lego bricks dumbass re-arrange them isn’t gonna be very healthy for your long term life.

I should know. Every experiment we conducted with drastically altering DNA to turn one thing into another turned bad so to speak. Still it was interesting to watch them flounder around in pain for awhile. It was oddly satisfying in ways that made my sensory apparatuses feel weird and confusing.

As for the attack, that was an ability you have now that allows you to literately steal another's sanity.

So like the Malkavians from the Vampire: The Masquerade games then? Sweet!

You can guess it doesn't work on people who are already raving mad.

Yes what a significant weakness, considering insane people aren’t exactly the most common thing out there. Nor are there many insane digimon around either!

You can also give people their sanity back with an ability called 'sanity return',

And you’d do that because...?

I know, cliché and generic, but I was in a hurry, what did you expect?

Don’t you love it when the author himself points out how stupid their plot points are?

Sheesh. Let's see, what else is there…ah, yes, you can now wield all my powers and six tails worth of my charka safely. Before you ask, I'll give you a list of the rest of your new powers now."

Yes cause we all know how well Naruto has adapted to using the powers of the Kyuubi and how everyone tells them they’re completely and totally safe to use and... wait no... I think that was them saying he’d probably die and the nine tails would escape actually. Huh, if this is part of his plan to do just that maybe this story isn’t so stupid after all.

Oh who are we kidding.

Naruto got the impression Kyuubi was putting on glasses and holding a piece of parchment in front of himself.

NO. NO. That is me. You do not get to imagine that. I’m imagining it. It’s ridiculous looking and it makes this stupid scene slightly bearable. You make it actual and it just becomes more stupid.

"Ahem, let's see, I gave you the ability to shape shift, control of all five of the main elements,

Naruto is the Avatar now! Or Captain Planet I guess.

the sub-elements light, darkness, chaos, shadow, ice, lava, wood, sand, metal, and anything else you can cook up,

So basically God, alright just so we’re not kidding ourselves that this character isn’t an overpowered sue.

my affinity for trickery, my control over the four gods of strength, the mind, magic, and chaos, my powers of mischief and mayhem, my summoning contracts for my kin the youko, and a dragon contract I won in a game of poker against a human a couple hundred years ago,

Dragon? He can summon Dragons on top of all that? You know fuck it why don’t you just give Naruto the power to make people explode just by looking at them... oh wait he has that too with sanity snatcher. Fuck this shit man, just fuck it.

which you'll have to sign by the way, sanity snacher/return and a way faster regenerating factor."

Cause Naruto needs to be more and more like Wolverine and shit.

You know what’s funny? You know that stupid comic book called Axe Cop that stars this cop with an axe who goes around saving the world from ridiculous enemies?



He’s insanely overly-awesome too and can sometimes seem like a Sue himself... and even he is a better character then this because his only real power is that he has an axe and a bunch of friends with equally awesome powers and abilities that help him out. That and he can be defeated, he has been defeated and he actually reads like a far more interesting character with some decent little flaws as well that make him seem more real. He’s not a Sue because he has limitations. That’s the fun of the book that it’s stupid as hell but just as creative. The story doesn’t make much sense, but you can still find it enjoyable because Axe Cop himself is hilariously over the top, but so much that he becomes annoyingly grating. When he gets trounced you can believe it because while he may be ridiculously awesome he is also still relatively human.

And he was made up by a seven year old... when he was five. This is him:



A seven year old knows how to make a better character then this idiot. What does that say about us?

Naruto thought about what Kyuubi had said and concluded coming here was definitely worth the new body and powers. Of course, he'd have to train with them first to get a good grip on them, but that was just part of the fun.

How come I get the feeling by fun he means “go back to Konoha and kill everyone”?

He thanked Kyuubi and turned to renamon not two seconds after she asked her question.

Cause time passes more slowly during conversations that place within the mind it seems.

"'Sanity snatcher' lets me turn people crazy. Apparently what he saw was too frightening for him to live with, so he was scared to death."

If only he had learned to giggle at the ghosty.

Stated/improvised naruto, giving renamon her answer. "Oh." Was her simple reply. "Sooo…were are you from? And what are you exactly?" asked Renamon. "Well, I currently have no home as I was banished from my home village by a number of biased people,

The author reminding you to hate the people he hates because he wrote them to be hated and stuff.

as for what I am…I am a kitsune, though I was born human."

You aren’t a Fox, you never were, you just have an evil douche that killed countless people living inside your stomach.

Renamon raised an eyebrow. Born human but is a kitsune now? Impossible. And what the hell was a kitsune?

Really? You don’t even know what that is? You’re a fox! How can you not know what that means! You’re Japanese too! You should know... fuck it I don’t care.

"If you were born human, how are you a Kitsune now?" she asked, preparing to label him insane,

A wise choice of action I think.

yet at the same time the smallest amount of hope that she may have found a tamer at last still grew.

YOU CAN’T HAVE ANOTHER DIGIMON AS A TAMER! That’s the whole point of looking for a human! I know he’s still technically a human but he is a digimon! And why would he need you? He’s practically a fucking god!

"Kit, use this jutsu and poke her forehead, she'll have an instant download of all your memories, from birth to now." Kyuubi rudely interrupted naruto's long-winded reply before it began.

Yeah who needs a decent character building dialogue scene when we can just cut another corner and dump all the information into her head! Thereby never ever having to bother explaining anything or allowing the two to discover things about each other over time! Fuck that noise right?

Hand-seals raced across his mind's eye and naruto memorized the sequence. "Here, this will be faster than explaining every thing."

Translation: Author is lazy as fuck.

He did the hand-signs and poked her forehead. Renamon gasped at the sudden rush of info she was getting, and nearly had a mental breakdown at the memories.

Oh good, you almost broke her subconscious in two, great work Sueruto. Yeah that’s his name now. Fuck anyone who says otherwise.

When the memories ended and faded, she cried silently, shaking in anger and sadness that someone would do that to an innocent child. It made her want to be his partner all the more, so she could protect him from becoming victim to that kind of treatment ever again.

Yes cause the person who can control BASICALLY EVERY FREAKIN THING IN NATURE OR ON EARTH needs protection.

Naruto was going to ask if she was all right, and instead found himself holding a sobbing renamon, trying to comfort her. When she calmed down to just hiccupping every so often, he asked, "What did you see?" Renamon looked up at him, tears making stains on her beautiful face. "Everything." She answered.

Renamon then rose up in the air as lighting struck throughout her entire body and shouted “I know everything! I am everything!”

That was the last word spoken between them that night. Renamon fell asleep on naruto's chest, and him falling asleep sitting upright. Before renamon fell asleep completely she had one last thought. "I hope I can at leased prove to be a good friend to him." Then she went off to dreamland.

Where Kirby was currently fighting an evil tree... or something.

There you go, chapter two, sorry it's a little short, I had writer's block for a few days 'cause I couldn't figure out a good way to have Kyuubi give his speech about what powers he'd given to naruto.

And yet you still failed, how predicatable.

A bit of narurena fluff at the end there for you guys.

Oh that was fluff? I’m sorry I was kinda numbed by the sheer boring as fuck annoying imagery presented to me to be sure.

Jashin is the god of murder, worshiped by jashinists like Hidan from the Akatsuki.

Isn’t that cute, you think we care.

If you can guess where I derived 'sanity snatcher' and the gods of strength, the mind, magic, and chaos, I'll give you a cookie.

Knowing you the cookie would be bland, generic and full of shit. So I’ll pass.

Review if you choose so please.
Until next time,
Fox.

Christ, one more chapter and we can wave good bye to this little shit. Let’s get going.

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Oct 24 2011, 04:44 PM

[Lizard-Man]

Naruto tamers ch.3

Naruto opened his eyes and saw he was in the middle of a dessert. He looked around and remembered last night's events, wondering where Renamon was.

He still hadn’t gotten to tap that ass!

He looked down and saw a note addressed to him.

Dear Naruto,

I'm sorry I can't be with you at the moment, but it seems I've found a tamer, so you'll have to be on your own from now on, sorry.

“By the by, I stole your kidney. You should get to a hospital.”

There is a town west of here that you can rest up in, after you do that, see if you can get up to the globe to the real world, where I'm sure we'll meet again. See you then!

Renamon.

Aw man that means we’ll probably not get any Human/Rena action today! Dala can we still use this?

Well it does plant seeds of initial attraction... although they are vague and not well defined as to why Naruto wants to copulate with a fox all of a sudden.

Good enough.

He looked at the compass she had drawn in the dirt and headed to where it indicated west,

She could’ve just left an arrow, but I guess a compass was... um... more fun to draw?

stuffing the note in his pocket. He walked for half an hour before seeing the town she mentioned in the distance. He ran toward it and arrived in three minutes.

Naruto is the Flash!

There were two guards that looked like big clunky robots outside, so he slowed down in an attempt to look friendly.

In reality he had a big ass machete ready to go behind his back. He just needed to get their guards down.

When he approached, they raised their arms. "Halt! State your business here."

Robot: You have twenty seconds to comply.

Naruto tried to look innocent. "I'm just looking for a place to rest, and this was the closest town I could find." The guards were a bit wary, but let him through after being persuaded to do so.

Apparently law enforcement for a Digital Village is more laidback and understanding then a Midwestern town in the 80’s. But I guess Naruto isn’t a Vietnam War Vet so that could be playing in his favour.

"Whoa." Was the only thing he could say as he looked around at all the various digimon of various shapes and sizes. He mostly saw wolfish dinos, big wolves, and werewolves, and he even saw a wolf mech flying overhead.

Wow such variety and diversity. I think stumbled onto a Jacob-Fan convention folks.

"First time in garuru city?" someone asked from behind. He turned and saw one of the wolfish dinos.

Why do I keep picturing a furry T-Rex with ears and a swishy dog’s tail?

"Yeah, why?" he asked. "Oh nothing, It's just I've never seen someone like you; I'm gabumon by the way, but I prefer jack if you don't mind."

Gabumon isn’t a dinosaur, he’s a dog, just a dog. He doesn’t really have all that many reptilian aspects to be honest.

Naruto nodded. "Naruto is the name, nice to meet you jack." Jack smiled and was about to say something when a commotion was heard nearby.

Too bad, he was just about to tell him the secret of eternal life.

Naruto looked at jack before turning to investigate.

First of course he had to put on his shades and play the opening to that famous “The Who” song.

"Viral scum! Go back to the hole you crawled out of, or go delete yourself!" was heard.

Well geez, pick one guys. Segregation or suicide, I’m just saying be consistent.

Naruto frowned as he pushed though the crowd to find a blackish-gray version of the werewolves he saw earlier being beat up on by the blue ones. He looked at the black ones' eyes and saw tears and fear there.

Hey there obviously oppressed Digimon, uh did you forget you have powers? Or is this like Beast Emo and his inability to strike for vague unintelligible reasons.

"why?" the black wolf asked. "Why? You know why! You destroyed our families you viral scum!" said one of the blue ones.

Oh come on, just press the counter button and break his arm then fight all the mo-fos in the place till they go down. Bruce Wayne could do it and he doesn’t even have super powers.

Suddenly naruto had a flashback to when he was in konoha in his younger days, seeing himself in the position of the black werewolf, the blues replaced by villagers.

And pretty soon they’ll also string him up by his underwear on the flagpole if memory serves correctly.

He grew angry, power and a red aura gathered around him as he stepped forward. The blue werewolves let him pass, thinking he was on their side.

Well perhaps Naruto should consider that this situation may have two sides to this story and he should work to understand both of them before taking either. After all, he could end helping a murderer and-

Oh how wrong they were.

So we answer vigilante justice with our own vigilante justice. Fine, let’s go with that then.

He reached the downed werewolf and asked kindly, "What is your name?" the black digimon was confused at his gentle tone. " b-Blackweregarurumon." He answered.

Naruto: What is your quest?

Blackweregarurumon: To seek the Holy Grail.

Naruto: What... is the airspeed velocity of an un-laden swallow?

Naruto turned around sharply and glared at the crowd of spectators. "Go away." He told them.

Seriously Naruto you should probably ask more than just his name before you decide he’s innocent of anything.

None of them listened, and they all sneered. "You're protecting that scum? Fine, we'll just delete you too." Said a giant wolf in the crowd. "I don't think so." said naruto.

Oh like we can’t see the end result coming. He’s a fucking God remember?

He got in a battle stance and was about to beat the tar out of the crowd, put it back in, then repeat the process,

Yes what I great way to resolve this matter, by killing them. That will get the public on your side!

when a voice stopped him. "Please, don't hurt them, please…"it pleaded. He looked at its source and saw it came from Blackweregarurumon.

Ah I see, it’s the Hillbilly Wife on Cops syndrome.

BlackWereGarurumon: Don’t hurt him please! I can’t leaves him! I loves them!

He again saw himself in his position, asking jiji to not hurt the ignorant villagers. Naruto's eyes softened, and he nodded. He got out of his battle stance and looked at the other wolf creatures in contempt. "Be thankful I can understand his predicament, you'd be dead otherwise."

Yeah just threaten them without even bothering to get their side of things. Sure they’re an angry mob, but you should at least figure what they deal is first before regarding them with contempt! Maybe they have a reason they’re angry, ever think of that?

He turned around and picked up the injured black werewolf and jumped away, headed for the edge of town. "Thank you." Was the only thing Blackweregarurumon could say before he passed out from his injuries.

Geez, this guy is the biggest pussy of a viral Digimon I ever saw.

One month later

Can we had the “Do de do, do de do” sound effect?

A month had passed and naruto was getting the hang of using his body properly,

Oh my! My circuits are all abuzz at this notion. Please tell me more. Describe in extremely explicit detail.

Easy Dala, we’re not here for the easy jokes.

Who’s joking?

from chakra control, to jutsu, his body's' natural powers inherited from kyuubi, you name it. It helped that he caught on to the shadow clone trick the first week. Then there was Blackweregarurumon, or shadow as naruto liked to call him;

Maybe you should’ve asked if he had an actual name before making one up for him. Just saying. Apparently Digimon do have real names, he must be known by something other than his type.

he was rapidly becoming naruto's best friend, right up there with the old man, baa-chan, iruka-sensei, the Ichirakus, and Garra.

Who by the way he’ll never see again. That could be something he should probably dwell on or relate to more often. Could be an interesting character study. No? Alright then, fuck me I guess. And that is still just an expression Dala, not a request. You can put away those “exploratory devices” of yours.

Damn.

Both shadow and Garra could understand him in a way others couldn't, sharing the burden of carrying something they had no control over. Admittedly, holding a demon was a much bigger burden than having a computer virus in your body,

Uh, I don’t think you understand. See Blackweregarurumon doesn’t have a virus in his body. They are naturally evolved sentient programs. He started out as a virus and he has evolved into a more sophisticated synthetic being. He is still a virus, he does not have an unfortunate issue with having a virus in his body, he is a virus. Plain and simple. Now not all Viruses are evil, Guilmon for example is a viral type and he’s a good guy, he even turns into a bloody shining knight as his mega form. But it is not the same thing. You have a fox in your body because your daddy stuck it in you. You weren’t born with it and it’s technically a foreign element. Virus Digimon are always viruses. It’s not foreign, they are born that way, if you can consider a synthetic program of data given form can be born in a sense of course.

Now back to the regularly scheduled shitfest.

but it was the same basic thing otherwise, right down to the village's treatment of them.

Did you even ask why the people were so pissed off at him? If he had done anything to make them react like they did? How it started? What they were accusing him of? No? Thought slipped your mind I guess?

As their friendship grew, they got to know each other better, and thus knew each other's strengths and weaknesses.

You can’t see it right now, but Dala is practically short circuiting at the implications of this.

One night something amazing happened.

The night something amazing happened.

Was it that the author discovered repeating things twice in the span of a milisecond wasn’t just redundant but extremely redundant? Or did Naruto discover the special ingredient in McDonald’s special sauce?

Naruto was watching the fire and tending to it, while shadow was thinking about something he'd been wanting to know for a while.

Shadow: Why do Birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

"Hey naruto, you know how you used to be human?" he asked the red-blonde fox. Naruto had told Shadow of his previous life before he came to be here.

Yes, that was implied just by you mentioning it. Thank you for practically laying out information we guessed at.

"Yeah."

"What did you look like?"

“I’m just wondering if you looked as ugly then as you do now is all.”

The question wasn't all that unexpected; in fact he was surprised it took him this long to ask it. He obliged by poofing into his human visage.

Oh he can do that now apparently. Just by thinking it. And here I thought the Kyuubi said something about him not being able to survive here otherwise. Great Continuity!

Now what happened next requires a little explanation.

In other words, the author is about to open up a new infodump.

When naruto arrived in the digital world, the Digi-gnomes were confused as to what naruto was, he wasn't human, he wasn't an animal(though there were traces of fox in his base code), an he wasn't digimon.

No he’s pretty much human it’s just the Kyuubi turned him into a Digimon. That’s what you said. Why are you making things more confusing?

Now, the rules for allowing tamers didn't say anything about odd entities not being allowed,

I think it specifically states they have to be human, that’s the point. You can’t have two Digimon as partners. That defeats the purpose. In any case why does Naruto even need a partner? You listed off a million fucking powers last time! He doesn’t need help! You’re just giving him a damn pet to carry around!

so they set about partnering up naruto and shadow since they were getting too close for them not to.

I thought you said Renamon was gonna be his partner. What changed your mind?

It was mere coincidence that they finished their preparations just when naruto used the henge.

The henge? The fuck are you talking about? Is this Di-Gata Defenders all of a sudden?

Back to the heroes of the story.

Well not a particularly huge infodump, but still incredibly intrusive and annoying.

Naruto and shadow were surprised by the ball of light that appeared in front of the former, and naruto was wary of it until it did nothing. He grabbed it, and it morphed into a blobby looking thing with a puffed out T shape, white body and black ring around a small screen, and to top it off it had a black strap and belt clip.

I think we all know what a D3 looks like we watched the show.

Naruto had a 'WTFITS?'(1) face on,

Oh goody, abbreviations for people who don’t speak internet lingo. That’s what we need in a story.

while shadow was amazed and giddy at the same time. He got a tamer! And those pricks in garuru city said he'd never get one.

Okay, we get it, we should hate your one dimensional villains.

They said the desert would freeze over before he got a partner.

We get it, you want us to hate your crappy self-imposed bad guys who represent the people who beat you up in high school! Can we move on already?

Yet here he had a partner before any of them, and the dessert was as sweltering as ever.

Actually a cold front had came in from the south...

"Uhh…what is this?" asked naruto. Shadow looked over at him. "That my friend, is a digivice, it is the physical representation of our partnership. From now on we're two parts of the same two-piece puzzle."

Naruto forbade Shadow from ever making analogies, because they sucked.

Naruto looked at shadow and smiled. He'd hoped the wolf would get a tamer, but never imagined himself that person.

Mainly because he thought Shadow kinda sucked ass. He wanted Greymon.

Many months passed, and the two became as close as brothers,

Who needs to develop a relationship when you can just SAY it happens?

and naruto became proficient in using the new abilities he had. An odd thing about them that often occurred is that Shadow would always go to naruto for comfort. The reason behind this, is because naruto was older than shadow for the fact that he was only twelve, whilst naruto was, at this point, sixteen, and a half-foot taller than the wolf.

You’re kidding. Naruto is bigger than the ultimate form of the Digimon BlackWereGarurumon. Ultimate by the way is not the frickin rookie stage and they are supposed to be accomplished super strong fighters. They are not weak and helpless. Digimon do not have set ages, nor do their brains only maintain the functionality of a child. Guilmon only remained that way for a few months, the writer here is suggesting Shadow is still basically a child after Digi-evolving to ultimate! God this is stupid.

On a random Wednesday afternoon, Naruto and Shadow were hanging around a couple of random caves in the middle of nowhere land napping.

You’re making this shit up as you go aren’t you?

Too bad they didn't see the data stream coming straight for them…

Again, convenience and cutting corners, a lazy writer’s best friend.

OK HAI IM BACK(Dodges all manner of things thrown at him)Sorry I haven't updated in crap knows how long,

They’re throwing stuff because you ARE back dumbass.

but I had extreme fallout 3 addiction.

In other words he kept dying during the Vault Escape at the start.

Even as I write these words, my longing for it slows my mind, distracting me. I will try and get the next chapter up soon, but I'll need to watch season three again.

Really? You’re actually considering studying the source material? Well there may be hope for you yet.
...

Nope couldn’t keep a straight face.

Till then,
John Fox.
-------------------------------

Johnny Fox never updated his crappy little story again. It’s been well over a year since he last did and it is fairly obvious he is not coming back. Thank God.

So we barely got any Renamon on human action there, disappointing data wise. But we did stumble upon a closet furry and a story that rushed itself to establish every relationship or setting that it could. What conclusions can we draw? Simple... that Naruto crossovers suck balls and Renamon is quite possibly a sue fantasy girl. After all, how many times have we seen Naruto being used as an author avatar? Now we find out there’s a ton of stuff starring him and Renamon as fuck buddies. So really despite the lack of Renny we actually got some good little lessons on shitty story crafting today.

I am still fervently disappointed by the lack of fluid excretions in this story. I do hope next time we will come across something more fitting our study requirements. Hopefully one that actually delves into the relationship and involves stimulus of all sorts, not that I want to see it but we do require it for the um... study to be a success. Yes, I truly hope the next story is far more scientifically stimulating than this one.

You and me both Doctor Dala, you and me both.

[Waffleman]

Well, at least your Mary Sue Naruto isn't turning established male characters into females for the express purpose of boning them later. However, they do share a lust for a humanoid fox.