Normal Teenage Life, Friendship is Nightmares Options

[Al_Cone]

Tonight, the bonds of fellowship are tested to the max as our friends work to uncover a conspiracy from within, in what will forever be known as the fan fiction equivalent of "Who took the cookie from the cookie jar?"

*****

Chapter 12: Extra, Extra, Special Edition of the Jefferson Weekly!

Original Japanese Title: "My Name's Rita!!!" The Blue Thunder Of Jefferson High!

Candid Co-Ed Photographs! Raven Sabel Exits Limo Without Panties! How Cobwebby is her Vagina? Check Inside to See! Plus, Exclusive Interview with Principal Wilson--Where Does He Go when he Skulks in the Woods, and Why Does he Bring an AR-15?

It seemed like an ordinary Tuesday night. The group was in the common room, watching TV. Fear Factor to be exact.

Funnily enough, memories of blonde bombshells guzzling goat semen and chowing down on cow testicles is actually a much more appealing notion than sitting through another seventeen chapters of vapid teenage bullshit.

"OH MY GOD! HOW CAN THEY DO THIS STUFF?" Terra exclaimed in horror looking at the screen.

C'mon Terra, don't pretend to have shame...

"Oh yeah! Drink those blended maggots!" Victor cheered watching the guy on the screen drink up a blender full of maggot mixed with flies,

The author of Normal Teenage Life would like to take a moment to remind you that the guy on the screen was drinking blended maggots. Also, Bee dresses like a bumblebee, is also black, and the guy on the screen was drinking blended maggots.

with a very nautious look on his face (the guy on the screen, not Victor). The boys were watching in amusement. The girls, well they looked just plain nautous. Particularly Raven.

The best part about this chapter thus far is that the author misspelled "nauseous" two different ways in the same paragraph. And when all's said and done, I'll bet that'll still be the best part.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Raven said turning over.

"Please tell me you don't mean that literally." Bee said.

"If ya'll are gonna be sick, do it somewhere else! I love this show!" Speedy said.

In addition to being a notorious drug runner, Speedy is also a late-19th century prospector. "Keep yur durty vomit offa mah stake, consarnit!"

"How can you take such amusement out of people in such torture?" Kori asked looking at the screen in disgust.

Kori has clearly never seen an episode of Bible Black.

"Easy! Like this!" Garfield said as he watched the show and started laughing.

"Wow." Bee said shaking her head.

"That's it! I can't take this anymore!" Terra said grabbing the remote and changing the channel.

Well, the only other thing on is The Wizards of Waverly Place, and between that and Fear Factor, Fear Factor's probably the lesser of two evils.

"NOOO!" The boys moaned.

"Hah!" Victor said in triumph, pulling out another remote. "I've got another one!" Victor changed the channel.

"No you don't!" Terra said as she and Victor engaged in a channel-changing war.

"Why does he have another one of those?" Raven asked with an odd look. She did look a little paler than usual.

Must be all that bloodloss from playing the wrist violin earlier.

Twenty bucks says this won't ever be followed up on.

"I dunno. He builds them for some reason. Always uses it as an advantage whenever we have a remote war." Speedy said.

Why Victor isn't attending MIT instead of slumming in this shithole is a matter that the story will not delve into.

"Yeah, I mean by now we've got like, 9." Victor said. (CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT EPISODE THAT IS FROM? NO? WELL IT'S FROM FEAR ITSELF)

WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME AUTHOR? IS YOUR CAPSLOCK BROKEN? I DON'T THINK SO, BECAUSE THE REST OF THE CHAPTER IS NOT IN CAPSLOCK. MAYBE YOU BROKE YOUR CAPSLOCK KEY AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER, AND THEN YOU WENT BACK AND ADDED THIS AUTHOR'S NOTE IN DURING REVISION. OH, WHO A I KIDDING,YOU REVISING A CHAPTER OF YOUR PIECE OF COCK STORY SOUNDS ABOUT AS LIKELY AS DAKARI-KING MYKAN WHACKING OFF TO SOMETHING OTHER THAN BB/TERRA HENTAI.

"Hey guys?" Kori asked. "Has anyone seen-"

"Dick is just getting the latest edition of the Jefferson Weekly. I asked him to cuz I wanna see how the other teams are doing." Victor answered.

Kori: I was actually going to say "has anyone seen my vibra--" HEY! Victor, did you use my vibrator as spare parts for another remote?! Dammit, between this and Dick's unfortunate stupidity, I'm NEVER gonna have anything twixt my nethers (CAN ANYBODY TELL ME WHAT MOVIE THAT'S FROM? NO? WELL IT'S FROM SERENITY)!

But suddenly, caught off-guard, Terra snatched his remote from him. "HEY! I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TAKE THAT!"

"Well I know I just did." Terra said.

"GUYS!" Dick's voice came through loud and clear as he ran into the building.

"What happened?" Raven asked immediately as they all stood up.

"Look. At. This." Dick panted.

He dropped his trousers and thrust his pelvis out proudly, beaming. "It means 'Savior,' in Chinese!" he sang.

"Richard. That's Korean. And it means 'fucking sucker,'" Raven drawled.

"Why's he outta breath?" Bee asked.

"Because. I. Just. Sprinted. Across. The. Entire. Campus." Dick answered.

Dick: And. Now. I. Think. I'll. Pass. Ou*THUD*

"Why?" Speedy asked.

"This is why!" Kori exclaimed in a slightly panicked voice as she handed the paper to Speedy, and everyone took a look at it.

BREAKING NEWS ON PERSONAL LIVES OF FOUR JUNIOR STUDENTS!

Raven: How the hell does that upskirt-cam keep getting pictures of me?!

All Articles In This Edition By Rita Z. Vanderbilt, 16, Ace Reporter for the Jefferson Weekly

SPORTS STARS GRADES SLIP!

Heard of the school sports stars? Victor Stone, 16, quarterback of the football team, and Dick Grayson, 16, newly re-instated captain of the soccer team?

Wait, Dick was reinstated? When? Why? How? Did X get booted off the team? Expelled, maybe? When was that mentioned? Never, that's when! Dammit story, you can't just jam in story and character elements all willy-nilly without ever setting it up! That's like dinosaurs!

Well of course you have! And if you haven't, well you've been living under a rock! Everyone says that jocks have the perfect life, but do they?

"Between their on-field performance, their ho-hum approach to education and being sighted entering ANAD exiting all the, er 'bathhouses' around town, it's hard to imagine things getting any more sour for our two studs."

A source who will be known as B.B, has informed this reporter that these so-called stars may excel at the field, but when it comes to the classroom, they might as well be benched! Below is their latest averages.

Bebe Bluff...is there any low to which you won't stoop?!

AND REMEMBER, 64 IS A FAILING GRADE!

What is with this chapter and the capslock? DO YOU GUYS WANT ME TO START DOING THAT WITH EVERY OTHER SENTENCE? LITTLE CHANGE OF PACE?

DICK GRAYSON

SOCCER TEAM CAPTAIN

ENJOYS: LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH, PRIVATE INVESTIGATION, BROODING, KEEPING ATTRACTIVE REDHEADS AND ARM'S LENGTH

TURN-OFFS: LEGITIMATE ROMANCE WITHOUT HAM-FISTED STUMBLING BLOCKS, MONOCULAR VISION

TURN-ONS: PHALLIC IMAGERY, UPSTAGING AN ENSEMBLE CAST, MONOCULAR VISION

Math: 79

Language Arts: 65

Social Studies: 65

Science: 90 (It seems to be his only good grade)

A young Dr. Insano attends Jefferson High.

French: 72

VICTOR STONE

FOOTBALL TEAM QUARTERBACK

Math: 69

Hehehehehehehehehehe. "Math."

Language Arts: 65

SS: 65

Even his knowledge of Nazi paramilitary groups is lacking! For shame, Victor.

Science: 75

And yet he's built nine remote controls out of spare parts and fishing line.

Spanish: 67

Looks like a couple more failing grades and we'll have to find ourselves a new soccer captain and a new quarterback! Or maybe they should stop cheating off each others papers. BUT that may not be the cause.

Dick Grayson is rumored to be going out with best friend, super-smart, and supposed good girl Kori Anderson, 16 (FOR MORE DETAILS SEE ARTICLE ON PAGE 2).

This is to high school journalism what the National Enquirer is to mainstream media.

Maybe he should stop spending so much time out on dates and more time being tutored!

"Although as our candid photographs depict, despite his name, Dick is definitely not getting any!"

Victor Stone on the other hand, has been busy with a girl, but not in the good way!

"Although depending on how much you sympathize with the bad guy in The Silence of the Lambs, it could be considered the good way!

Victor has been seen argueing and generally putting down new student Betty Klein, 16 over thirty times in the last week! Seems like these two "sports stars" need to spend less time with girls and more with the books!

Maybe they could find a middle-ground--spend time with girly books, like Pride and Prejudice, or Eragon.

THIS NORMALLY LUCK LADY HAS NO LUCK IN HER LUV LIFE!

By Rita Z. Vanderbilt

Doesn't this paper have any other journalists?! Or were they all expelled for releasing hit pieces like this one?!

In October, we got two more new students added to Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding School. Their names are Roy "Speedy" Harper, 16 and Betty "Bee" Klein, 16. Bee is about 5'9", with dark hair and dark eyes.

"For information on blood type, weight and social security number, see page 5."

Speedy, well, he's not the subject of this article so who cares!

"Of course, that begs the question of why we brought him up in the first place, but hey--if the editor leaves that in, it becomes her fault."

Anyway by complimentary people, Bee could be called pretty. She's defintely smart, with grades in the 90's. She's even doing well at sports!

But the one thing that this girl has no luck in is love! So far, she's only been seen associating with Dick Grayson 16, Garfield Logan 16, Roy Harper, and Victor Stone 16.

Hey, I just had a thought--why would anybody care about any of this? I can't possibly believe that Jefferson's readership (if it indeed exists) is chomping at the bit to find out skin-deep gossip about a bunch of no-name assholes.

Although friendly with all four, she shows no signs of love intrest, with any of the four, or anyone else for that matter! In fact, she's been seen argueing with Victor Stone on countless different occasions, with shouting matches heard as far as the next block!

Because there's no such thing as an argumentative couple!

If Bee ever wants to succeed in her love life, or even get a date for the next dance, she'd better shape up her act! An inside source also informed me that not only does Bee not have a boyfriend here, she hasn't ever had one!

It might be the swarms of deadly hornets covering her from head to toe that turn the boys off.

Looks like it's not only Jefferson she's not lucky at! Maybe what she needs is a make-over, or at least a decent shopping spree! A new style should certainly help with that! I doubt any boy would want to go out with someone who looks like a bee, so maybe this girl just needs a donation from a charity!

Or at least a new look. C'mon, there are plenty of insects to choose from, Bee! How about a nice mantis? A flea, even? Or, ooh, an ant! An ant might be neat, huh?

NICE GIRL NOT SO NICE!

By Rita Z. Vanderbilt

Kori Anderson, 17. If you were to describe her, what would you normally say?

Air-headed, vacuous, vacant, bland, boring, author avatar, Mary-Sue...

Well, the boys would say she's hot, but I mean overall. Smart, kind, nice to everyone (except her sister, Mandy Anderson, 17, Expelled last week), and overall good girl. Up until yesterday, I thought so too. Until my source, B.B., was able to give me something no one ever thought she had.

"A vibrator!"

Kori: *GASP!* Oh Victor, I'm so sorry I ever accused you!

A Diary. Well, we would all assume that she had a diary, but this is no ordinary diary.

"Whoever has their name written in this diary will perish of a heart attack, or by whatever gruesome method she describes."

It has the name of everyone in the junior year, and EXACTLY what she thinks about them. And let's just say, they're not very positive. Yes that's it everyone, Kori Anderson isn't as nice as she seems. Just so I don't have a million people begging me to know what's inside, I'll give you a little taste of what's inside. Starting with me.

Rita Vanderbilt: What a jerk! She is very nosy and is constantly trying to find out people's personal lives! As if we would tell her! She always does that to me, bugging me if I have a boyfriend! If I want to tell someone I'll tell Raven, Terra, or Bee. Not some stupid, nosy reporter! It's not like her articles are even any good!

"Or at least, not as good as her fine, sweet ass. Damn, I want to hit that."

Back to me, Rita people! As if that was true! And my articles are good thank you very much.

"My mom AND my friends on fanfiction.net all said so!"

Hey, and don't you want to know what she thinks of Camile Railson, who was voted "Most Popular" and "Most Likely To Succed"?

"Granted, the other contestants were war criminals convicted at Nuremberg."

Now back to the entries.

Camile Railson: How many words can I use to express how much I hate her? She is such a prep suk a prep omfg, and I mean Raven's definition of prep! She gets bad grades, is pushy, annoying, aggravating, infuriating and will never get anywhere in life!

Well folks, I would go on, but I'd get censored!

"It gets a little racy after that. For a full copy of the diary entry, send ten dollars to The Jefferson Daily News, care of Rita Vanderbilt, PO Box 286."

I'm sure you all get the idea. First I have to say that I don't even want to know Raven's definition of a prep. Secondly, Kori Anderson? Thought she was nice? Well think again!

She has negative feelings towards people she doesn't like! She's worse than Hitler!

Remember how I said she was going out with Dick Grayson? Well if she doesn't clean up her act, she might be dropped faster than this issue will run out, even if she does like him!

"Assuming she doesn't put out, anyway--and as we assured you earlier, she does not."

INSTEAD OF STUDYING ROCKS, A FUTURE GEOLOGIST MIGHT END UP BEHIND BARS!

SERIOUSLY WHAT IS UP WITH THIS GODDAMN CAPSLOCK?! IT'S STARTING TO MAKE ME SELF-CONSCIOUS.

THE REAL SCOOP ON "TERRA"!

By Rita Z. Vanderbilt

Khalid's brow began to feel a little misty. He reached for the detonator on the suicide vest that he wore at all times.

Just like we've all heard of Kori Anderson, Victor Stone, and Dick Grayson, we've all heard of Terra, 16. Or should I say, Tara Markov. Yep folks, Terra is just an alias.

I don't think it counts as an alias when the only difference between it and your name is how you spell it. Be like if I spelled my name "A-U-L-I-C-K-S-Z."

And I'm sure you're all wondering why. Well that's what I'm here to tell you! My inside source, B.B, has informed me not only of Terra's real name, but of why she doesn't use her real name.

"Agents of the Dark Lord, Sauron, have been hunting down Tara Markov, which is why she's been passing as "Terra Underhill," for the last eight months or so."

Apparently, our "rock-and-roller" has been kicked out of a total of 3 public schools, 2 private schools, and 5 different boarding schools across the country!

That is one goddamn wealthy orphan. Queenie must have read Harry Potter and assumed that all orphans have bank vaults full of gold.

She was expelled for, "misconduct, plagurism, and fighting". According to inside sources, Terra is already pushing the limits here at Jefferson.

She has copied homework, "borrowed" large sums of money without paying back, stolen test answers, stolen food from the kitchen, routinely threatens people, and has tried to injure students quite a few times before.

"And the icing on the cake? She doesn't chew with her mouth closed!"

It looks like Terra, or should I say Tara, if she doesn't improve her behavior soon, instead of studying rocks, will end up behind bars!

A more clever writer would have made a joke about how the only rocks she'll be studying are the ones she'll be breaking as part of a chain gang.

"WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THIS?" Terra explained. "WHO THE HELL TOLD HER THIS STUFF!" Everyone looked at her strangely for a moment,

Kori: Friend Terra, is perhaps your capslock key broken?

and then got back to being in complete horror about the articles.

"Who is Rita Z. Vanderbilt?" Bee hissed in a deadly tone.

"Who called my name?" A voice said as a teenage girl skidded into view.

When you hear her comin' round
(Rita)
She's sure to disappear

She had long, dark brown hair that she kept in a braid almost 24-7 for fear it get in the way, or even worse, split ends because she is a Padawan of the Jedi Order. Her creamy complexion accentuated chocolate eyes sparkled with secrets beneath black cat-eye classes.

Whoashi--did anybody else just see that brilliant flash of bright purple?

This, was Rita Z. Vanderbilt, gossip columnist for the only fucking journalist in the school newspaper.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?" Victor exclaimed.

Would you guys just take your fingers off of the shift key?!

Garfield immediately saw Rita, and for some odd reason, quickly ran off towards his dorm.

Gar: Oh geez, a woman--I stop it! C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!! Aww, now I need a new pair of pants...

"I just got some good information and wrote up a good story." Rita said innocently.

"Do not pull an "innocent" act on me. You will tell us who told you this, now or you will not ever write another article again!" Kori said threateningly, her green eyes flashing angrily, as she moved toward Rita, only to be held back by Raven, who called Bee and Terra to help her.

Watch it, Rita--she might call you a clorbag!

"Kori leave her alone!" Raven said as she struggled to get a good grip on Kori's arm.

"SHE. HAS. MY.

SPARTA!!!

DIARY!" Kori fumed, still trying to break free of the three girls.

"Who told you all this?" Dick asked camly.

"I'm sorry, but good journalists never reveal their sources." Rita said with a smirk.

"Well then you can tell us." Victor snapped. "Considering you're not a good journalist! You're a friggin gossip columnist!"

Well, in this day and age, that's pretty much what journalism is...

"I resent that."

"You would ya stupid gossip columnist." Terra hissed.

Oh snap! Maybe next someone will call her a prep--and they'll mean Raven's definition of prep!

"Watch your temper, Tara. Oh I should really be afraid shouldn't I? You murdered your own parents after all."

"Okay that's it! You're going down!" Terra said as she let go of Kori and pounced at Rita,

Terra: ALLAH AKBAR!!!

only to be stopped by Speedy. Rita took this oppertunity to quickly scuttle away.

Rita: Bah! I've had it with this story! I'm going for a scuttle!

"Wait you guys. Why should we pound Rita when we should be finding out the snitch who told her this stuff!" Speedy decided.

They could always get the name of the squealer from her by pounding her.

Or, you know, contact the authorities...

"Well let's figure it out now so we can hurt someone!" Terra said with a violent look in her eyes.

"Terra. I advise you to take a deep breath before you actually kill someone." Raven said.

"Well let's think. It can't be me because I know I didn't do it,

Well, that rules you out then!

and Victor wouldn't publically admit his failing averages, nor would Bee or Kori put that in public, and I'm sure that Terra would never do that." Dick thought outloud.

Solid detectiving right there, Dick. That makes the investigation of the jewel heist from the last chapter look like fucking Matlock.

"So that leaves Raven, Speedy, and Garfield." Victor said.

"I did not do it. Don't even go there." Raven said with a look that plainly said, "blame me and I'll kill you."

"Why would I do that?" Speedy asked.

You know, none of these people really have an alibi. They're just taking all of their words for it. Any halfwit would notice that the only two people who didn't have mud slung on them were Speedy and Garfield, and Speedy was mentioned by name only to be omitted. The investigation should start and end with one of those two.

You can tell this is an AU story because if this were the Batman-trained detective Robin, he'd have the mystery solved faster than an episode of Scooby-Doo. Of course, this Robin can't count past melted ice cream...

"Speaking of Garfield where is he?" Kori asked, calmin down.

"Well if he ran off-" Terra started to say.

"And he's the only one left-" Dick said.

"That means it has to be-" Bee commented.

Red Herring!



"Garfield." All of them said at once, and started running toward the boy's dorms.

"HOLD IT YA'LL!" Victor yelled.

"WHAT IS IT?" A bunch of them yelled.

Victor: ALRIGHT, JUST RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOUR CAPSLOCK KEY IS BROKEN. RAISE 'EM HIGH.

"Why should we all waste our time and energy when you know that if Terra does it it'll be much more effective."

Revolver Ocelot, though his interest in the case was minimal, nonetheless felt it prudent to contribute an idea occasionally.

"Oh yeah, send the orphaned MURDERER!" Terra snapped.

And who murdered your parents again, Terra? That's right. You did. So don't complain.

"Right umm...so Terra...you go get him." Victor said as he cowered ever so slightly.

"Please don't let them find me. Please don't let me find me." Garfield moaned as he hid behind a couch in the first floor of the boy's dorms.

Great hiding spot, Gar. Utter brilliance.

"Garfield. You are so dead." Terra said.

"Umm...hi Terra? What's up?" Garfield said in a nervous, slightly high pitched tone.

"If you can't give me a decent explanation in the next five seconds, you will be." Terra hissed as Garfield backed away into a corner.

...Is she threatening to have sex with him if he doesn't explain himself?

"Right umm...well..."

"TIME'S UP!" Terra snapped as she started toward Garfield.

"RITA BLACKMAILED ME!" Garfield exclaimed, and Terra immediately stopped, her expression somewhat softened. "SHE RAN OUT OF GOOD STORY IDEAS AND NEEDED SOME NEW INFO SO WHEN SHE RAN INTO ME A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO SHE CORNERED ME AND THREATENED TO TELL THE ENTIRE SCHOOL THAT I LIKED RAVEN IF I DIDN'T GET HER SOME DIRT ON YOU GUYS!"

Gar: AND AS PART OF HER THREAT SHE TORE THE CAPSLOCK KEY OFF OF MY KEYBOARD AND SAID THAT I COULD ONLY GET IT BACK AFTER I HELPED HER! SHE CORNERED ME, MAN, SHE FUCKIN' CORNERED ME!

Also, that's it? His thirty pieces of silver is "I'll spread a rumor about you liking the moderately attractive emo girl who everybody already knows you have a thing for?" As far as having someone by the balls go, that's actually really fuckin' lame. That's like blackmailing Bill Clinton by threatening to reveal the Lewinski affair.

"Really?" Victor asked as he, Dick and Speedy walked in.

"How did you hear that?" Terra asked with a confused look.

Terra's so blonde that she forgot about the wire that she was wearing...

"Well, aside from the fact that we were just walking in, you could probably hear him all the way in the girls dorms." Speedy said.

"WHAT? THEY HEARD THAT IN THE GIRLS DORMS?" Garfield said with a look of pure horror on his face.

"Well, no, but it was loud." Dick said.

That's what happens when you constantly talk in ALL CAPS.

"Well I see my work here is done." Terra said. "I'll collect my fee for "about-to-actually-murder-Garfield-so-he-can-confess" now."

"Hear ya go." Victor said as he handed Terra twenty dollars and Terra walked out.

Terra: Whoo-hoo! No more of that "zeroin" crap--Terra's gonna score some angel dust tonight! Where the hell is Speedy?

"Nice work." Speedy said.

"See you tomorrow." Terra said, then she spoke to Garfield. "If you're still here." She smirked.

Fortunately for Garfield, his roommates didn't murder him. (Well at least not yet anyway) Surprised, the four girls saw Garfield walking in to the breakfast table the next morning.

Terra had told Kori and Bee last night what really happened. She couldn't tell Raven.

...For reasons known to neither man or God.

If Garfield wanted her to know, then he would tell her himself.

"So you guys aren't mad at me?" Garfield said hopefully.

"Oh we're mad at you." Bee said.

"But we forgive you!" Kori said. "Forgive and forget they say!"

I guess they figured that the damage done wasn't as terrible as old Rita had made it out to be. Who the hell really cares that Kori writes negative things about people she clearly doesn't like, or if Dick and Victor (Dicktor) are total dunces? This is stuff that people should already know. In fact, I've yet to see any fall-out from this. Not even the narration mentioning teenage bastards chuckling at them in the hall. So either Rita Z Vanderbilt's readership isn't as dedicated as she'd like to pretend, or they just don't really give a shit.

"Most of us." Raven grumbled.

"What! Raven I didn't even-"

"I don't believe I'd like to pay attention to any insistant buzzing noises of meaningless vegans." Raven said.

What does that even...?

"Aww Raven-"

"Dick, are these grades true?" Raven asked, completely ignoring the protesting Garfield.

"Sadly, yes." Victor answered for him.

As his attourney, Victor must answer any and all questions posed to Richard.

"So I said I would tutor him in English!" Kori said.

"Kori, I don't think that's such a good idea." Terra said.

Completely oblivioius, Kori looked confused. "Why?"

BECAUSE YOU ARE HEADCRAB ZOMBIE!

"Well...uh...Raven's better at English, so it would be better if she did it!" Bee said thinking fast.

"Right. So we'll start tutoring after school." Raven agreed. "Meet me in the library after classes.

(let me say this now. this is NOT I repeat NOT turning into a Robin/Raven story.)

Alright, we're cutting it off here. If I keep going, I'll wind up hitting the size limit (if I haven't already), and besides that, this chapter fucking sucks and I'll take any excuse to get away from it. We'll pick up again from where we left off next time.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Oct 11 2010, 06:03 PM

[Al_Cone]

Before anybody asks, no, that thing about Raven looking unusually pale was not followed up on, and it is not ever going to be. Why? Because this story blows chunky ass, that's why.

*****

Chapter 12 and a half: "Forgive Me, Raven!!!" Garfield's Desperation

"Raven! I'm bad too! C'mon! Don't ignore me!" Garfield moaned.

Gar: I've been bad, Raven! I need a spanking--a big, hard, stern spanking!

"If the annoying buzzing fly doesn't shut up, I'll take a swatter and use it against him." Raven said through gritted teeth.

Raven, no! That's Jeff Goldblum!

"Aww come on! You have to get her to forgive me!" Garfield begged Dick later that day.

These fucking scene transitions! It's like the story keeps getting sucked into a time warp!

"Why should I?" He answered.

"Because...I'm one of your best friends and you're not mad at me anymore?"

"That's a stupid reason."

"Well technically, no it's not."

I'm a little curious about just what this technicality is, if only because I can't quite bring myself to believe that Garfield can possibly get any stupider.

"Whatever. I'm not helping you get her forgiveness for something that was entirely your fault. Tell her yourself."

Wow! The story's started channeling my thoughts and feelings through Dick! Remarkable...

"But that's just it! She won't talk to me!"

"That's not my problem. Maybe if you tell her-"

"I am not telling her that I like her! She would kill me!

I'm trying to remember what it was like when I was fourteen and bullshit logic like this actually made some sort of sense, but all that's coming up is that one time when I walked into the boy's bathroom and the autistic kid who sat in the corner of my science class was masturbating...

There's a reason I don't think about middle school so much.

Do you really think I would tell-" But Garfield stopped talking.

"What?" Dick asked with a confused look on his face. Garfield didn't speak, but pointed behind Dick. He turned around slowly and didn't like what he saw.

The word count for this monstrosity. Bless my zombie bones...

"So who does Garfield like?" Raven said through gritted teeth. Actually, a very angry Raven. No, not angry, boiling mad and about to burst.

Raven: That son of a bitch! He's interested in me romantically, and I reciprocate! I have to kill fast, and bullets too slow!

"Um...what did I do?"

"He asks me what he does. No wonder the boy needs tutoring." Raven said to no one in particular, but then actually spoke to Dick. "You were supposed to meet me in the library TWO AND A HALF HOURS AGO! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT NOW? I HAD THINGS TO DO AND IF YOU FAIL THAT CLASS YOU'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT OVER AND THEN I'LL BE HEARING IT FROM YOU BUT THEN I'LL JUST LAUGH BECAUSE YOU WERE LATE BECAUSE YOU WERE TALKING TO GARFIELD ABOUT SOME FRIGGIN GIRL AND-" Raven started yelling.

If Raven weren't so damned busy typing in ALL CAPS, she might have had the presence of mind to notice that they were actually talking about her...

"I'll be going now." Garfield mumbled as he slowly walked away.

"Umm...sorry?" Dick said.

"YOU'D BETTER BE!" Raven fumed.

"Um...I am?"

"Good." Raven hissed.

"Umm...

Stop with the UMM! Grow a spine you piece of shit!

can you help me study now?"

Raven gave him a glare that plainly said, 'Yeah right like I'd help you',

I don't understand how Raven's able to communicate such complex thoughts and feelings through her stare alone. Unless she blinks in Morse Code.

but said, "Then get to the library. Now."

"Sure." Dick said as he ran off.

"So you have Mrs. Habshoosh right?" Raven asked as she walked into the library and sat down next to Dick.

"Yeah."

Dick's probably failing because he can't stop cracking up at the teacher's ridiculous name.

"And you're doing poetry?"

"Yeah, we were supposed to do this ''I am'' poem, but I didn't bother doing it. I suck at poetry.''

Dick: Walt Whitman actually visited me in a vision and threatened to devour my soul if I tried composing one more rhyming couplet.

"Okay well you know what, you're going to do it. Now."

"But I don't even have the sheet!"

"Why do you think I brought all my work. I have Habshoosh too."

"So?"

Come on, Raven, he's clearly a lost cause.

"So let me get it out so you know what to do."

I'm not convinced that they're talking about homework right now...

Raven said as she took out her folder, rummaged through it, and obviously finding what she needed, took out a yellow sheet.

"What's that?"

Prescription for Codeine with forged signature of the school nurse. I mean what?

"Read." She said as she gave it to him.

I AM POEM SPARTACUS

I am (two special characteristics you have).

Hmm..."Talentless," and "Unintelligent." Although neither of those are unique to Richard in this story, but since all these characters are convinced that they're speshul snowflakes, we're going to use it anyhow. It's just in character.

I wonder (something you are actually curious about).

"What color Kori's bush is?"

I hear (an imaginary sound).

"The ghost of Walt Whitman breathing down my neck as I compose this. I don't want to write this poem anymore."

I see (an imaginary sight).

"My high school diploma."

I want (an actual desire).

"To learn how to tie my shoes by myself."

Hey, this is actually pretty easy. Fun too. What the hell was Dick bitching about?

I am (the first line of the poem repeated).

"Talentless and unintelligent."

I pretend (something you actually pretend to do).

"To have some relevance in human society."

I feel (a feeling about something imaginary).

"Like strangling that emo bitch who nobody likes. Fuckin' Raven, thinks she can talk down to me..."

I touch (an imaginary touch).

"My testes. O, would that I were not a castrati..."

I worry (something that really bothers you).

"About my inability to blink and chew gum at the same time."

I cry (something that makes you very say).

"Whenever I read the end of Eclipse. Oh Jacob, she's not good enough for you! Why won't you love me the way I love you?!"

That said, how the dickens do you try writing "sad" and end up with "say?" Those two keys aren't anywhere near each other...

I am (the first line of the poem is repeated).

Talentless and unintelligent.

Something tells me that Mr. Habshoosh really digs busywork...

I understand (something that you know is true).

"That Pandora is not real. Won't stop me from wishing I was there every night...*sigh*"

I say (something you believe in).

"All lesser races will be subjected to the iron fist of the Mighty Whitey."

I dream (something you actually dream about).

"A dream in time gone by. When hope was high and life worth living."

I try (something you really make an effort about.)

Dick frowned. "Sorry Rae, I'm drawing a blank here."

I hope (something you actually hope for).

"That Warren Beatty reads my fanmail. He's a dream boat!"

I am (the first line of the poem is repeated).

Talentless and unintelligent.

"I still don't get it."

It's okay, Dick. Some people are just born stupid.

"(Sigh) And I wondered why you got a 65 in language arts. Here, read this example I wrote." Raven pulled out yet another sheet fo paper and handed it to him.

She watched as Dick knit his brow in confusion, drawing away slightly as tears of frustration began leaking from his eyes. "You're...totally illiterate, aren't you?" she guessed.

I am pensive and mysterihey hey HEY! HEY! Whoa now! Are you kididng me? Are you--are you fucking pulling my leg?! I'm not sitting through that stupid poem again, and I'm certainly not going to sit through it when it's been digested and shat out by Raven of all people! Why do you need that in here twice? Why couldn't you just have her help him write an essay about, I don't know, how his summer vacation was? Unless this is the author's poem, and she just really likes tedious, self-indulgent bullshit (and I smell the smell of veracity in that assumption), there is no goddamn reason for it! To hell with Raven's poem; we're skipping it!

"Do you get it now?" Raven asked in monotone. Tutoring was getting boring.

It's been five minutes, Raven. This is literally all you've done.

"Oh. I get it. Like this?" Dick said as he showed her a poem he had written in an attempt to get the assignment.

Again? AGAIN?! This fucking poem AGAIN?! Once wasn't enough, twice wasn't enough--we really needed the same goddamn poem three times in a row?! Was the chapter just not long enough for our author's tastes?! Why does she feel the need to pad it out with the same recycled material three times in a fucking row?! I refuse--I REFUSE--to read that any more than is necessary! We already did it, it was long, and it was boring, and it was stupid as hell, and all it did was make Dick look stupider than both Victor AND Garfield, and we are not--we are NOT--going to read it twice, much less THREE. GODDAMN. TIMES. To hell with this poem, we are moving on again.

"Damn." Raven said wide-eyed after reading it.

"It's bad isn't it?"

Compared to Raven's, it's bloody Shakespeare.

Not that I'd know either way.

"No it's good. Really good. You're sure to get an A on it. What's with the 65 though?"

"Oh, I never pay attention in class and I skip all the tests."

With a work ethic like that, Dick's sure to go places in the world.

"Well that's a smart way to get a good grade. It's obvious you're good so I'm wasting my time here." Raven said as she got up.

Dick: W-well, actually, I was hoping we could go over this essay I have to write on the fallibility of mankind--
Raven: Nope! You're good.

"Raven wait!"

"What do you want?" Raven snapped.

Damn! Someone didn't take her Midol this morning!

"I didn't say anything." Dick said with a confused look.

"Well obviously you had to say something because you are the only person who is currently in the library that is willing to talk to me!" Raven said, with a confused look normally worn by Kori.

Raven felt quite proud of herself for getting Kori high on angel dust and peeling her face off with a shard of glass.

"Really? What about him?" Dick said as he pointed to Garfield who was hiding behind a book case.

The book case was empty. There was no backboard.

"Hi!" Garfield said as he waved nervously.

"Terra didn't murder you did she?" Raven asked.

"Umm...no."

I like how he actually has to think about that for a second.

"Well than I will." Raven said, and she expected Garfield to take off running but he didn't.

Garfield might be the dumbest bastard since Gomer Pyle, but even he's figured out that Raven's too lazy to follow up on any of her threats.

"It's still "Hate Garfield Day" isn't it?" Garfield asked Dick.

"Yeah." Raven answered for him.

"WAIT! Before you murder to me can you just please-oh wait. You're talking to me again! Yeah!" Garfield exclaimed.

Raven stopped dead in her tracks. "You knew that I could've killed you, but you did all that just to get me to talk to you?" She asked in amazement.

I'll bet people would generally like Raven more if she stopped telling them how capable she is of killing them. Really, what kind of a conversation starter is that? "Hey handsome. You know, I could totally kill you if I wanted to." "Yeah, babe, if looks could kill." "No, I mean, I could actually kill you. To death. With this knife I have." "Oh. Uh. I'm gonna go over here noAUUUUUGGHHH, YOU PUNCTURED MY LIVER!!!"

"Uh...yeah?"

"Wow Gar. You? You are weird." Raven replied shaking her head. She picked up her books from the table and walked out of the library.

"AND SHE CALLS ME DENSE?"

Even the disembodied voice's capslock key is broken...

"Well you are." Dick pointed out.

"No I'm not! You are more dense than I am!"

"I'll ignore that. But Raven''s right you know."

"What, that I'm dense?"

"That, and the other thing."

"What other thing?"

You're not Abbot and Costello! Knock this derivative, unfunny bullshit off!

"You are weird."

At dinner, Raven seemed to be a whole lot calmer.

Amphetamines'll do that for ya.

"So are you speaking to Garfield again?" Kori asked Raven.

"I dunno, he's been acting really strange." Raven replied.

Raven: Usually, he's outside my room with a pair of binoculars when I'm trying to masturbate to The Telltale Heart. Why do you think I leave my curtains open?

"Stranger than normal you mean?"

"Yeah, and it's almost enough to make me think that-"

"HOW CAN YOU EAT THAT?" Someone at the table exclaimed. Raven didn't even need to look, she could tell it was Garfield complaining about Victor's dinner. Again.

Look, Garfield, if Victor wants to eat a shoe he found dangling over some power lines at football practice for dinner, then that's his decision. Just pass him the maple syrup and try not to breathe through your nose.

"IT'S STAKE HOW CAN YOU NOT?"

"BECAUSE IT CAME FROM A COW!"

"ARE YOU A COW?"

IT'S BEEN ALMOST 24 HOURS BY NOW. WHY HAVEN'T THESE ASSHOLES FIXED THEIR CAPSLOCK KEYS? WHERE THE HELL IS TECH SUPPORT?

"Sometimes he is." Bee sniggered.

"NO! I AM NOT A-"

"THEN WHY DO YOU CARE?"

"BECAUSE ANIMALS DO NOT LIKE BEING KILLED FOR FOOD! THEY HAVE FEELINGS AND I RESPECT THAT!"

They can't have feelings if they're dead, Gar. That's why we kill 'em before we eat 'em.

"I am not even going to say anything to that."

"You wouldn't."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE HELL UP?" Terra yelled.

Why are these people friends?

I already asked that, yeah, but this chapter just reminded me of that question, and I think I'll explore it again.

Why are these people friends? None of them really seem to like each other. A couple of 'em seem to want to fuck each other, but outside of that there's no chemistry or affection between any of them. Raven looks at helping one of them like a chore, because her friendship with them doesn't override her self-centered martyr bullshit. Terra's just generally spiteful for some reason. Victor and Bee are both incredibly arrogant. Dick hardly interacts with anybody besides Victor or Kori, and when he does he's demeaning them in some way, or sucking up to them. None of them like Garfield in the slightest, and really, I can't blame them.

Maybe they're just so repulsive to everybody else that they have no choice but to hang out with them. Like, nobody else likes them one bit. They're the lowest rung in school. They're social lepers.

"Whoa...What's your problem?" Garfield asked.

"Well LET'S SEE the ENTIRE school now knows that I am accused of murdering my OWN parents, and now I'm getting funny looks in the hallway! What'd ya think my problem is?"

You know, I...don't recall reading that in the article. You know, the one that was in this very chapter. It sounded like Rita knew, but she omitted it from the article for some reason. So, uh, they didn't know before, but they sure as hell do now. Way to be, Terra, way to be.

"Oh, um...okay then. I guess that's a problem."

"You GUESS that's a problem? You GUESS? I don't even know why I'm bothering with you! You just have the emotional range of a teaspoon don't you?"

Oh, this story's bad enough; we don't need to plagiarize Harry Potter.

"Umm...yeah?"

"OMG! I can't even talk to you!" Terra exclaimed as she got up and stormed out of the dining hall.

...Well, that was a pointless interlude. Anyway, back to what I was saying earlier, Garfield is obviously dead last on the social ladder in their little leper colony. Why they hang out with him in particular, that's completely beyond me. None of them really like him, he's generally an annoying putz, he starts the same damn shouting match at every single meal, every single day, AND he sold them all out under ridiculous pretenses. You know what he is; he's that annoying hanger-on who tags along with a group of friends because he's got nowhere else to go, and they can't stand him in the slightest, but none of them can quite bring themselves to say it outright, so they just take subtle, passive-aggressive pot-shots when they can. Any group of teenagers, who are already in and of themselves the worst people in the world, would only put up with that sort of bullshit for so long. I can't imagine why they've let him hang around for as long as they have.

"Umm...what did I do?"

"Well let's see..." Bee started.

"You're pitiful." Raven commented.

"And ignorant!" Kori said.

"And fun to torment." Bee added. "And chauvanistic."

Oh, fuck, this again. Ladies, there's already a laundry list of reasons why Garfield sucks, and hell, I covered it very nicely up there, so why do we need to revert to a running gag that was never funny in the first place?

"And clueless."

"And you have the emotional range of a teaspoon!" The girls chorused.

"What does that mean?" Garfield asked.

It means you fail at life, Garfield. You are the worst character ever. The worst interpretation of Beast Boy in history. You make Count Logan look like a well-nuanced and versatile character with sympathetic motivations. Please die. Please die now, and never return to trouble the living.

"You don't wanna know." Victor said.

"I'll ask later."

"Maybe I should go check on her?" Speedy asked.

"No, I should. It's my fault." Garfield disagreed.

"Don't." Kori said.

"Why not?"

This story just has a fascination with nondescript dialogue where characters try to dissuade one another from saying or asking or doing something. You know what's better than that? ACTUAL FUCKING CONTENT.

"I'll go." Kori said sa she got up and went out after Terra.

"Why don't I get anything anymore?" Garfield moaned.

BAWWW NOBODY LIKES ME BECAUSE I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO BETRAY THEIR TRUST AND IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT AND NOT MINE BECAUSE BAWWWWW

"Well I wonder why?" Raven said sarcastically and rolling her eyes.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Bee." Raven indicated.

Bee proceeded to pull out a sheet of paper with diagrams on them.

Bee: And as you can see, at frame 34, the bullet clearly penetrates Governor Governor Connally--wait, shit, this isn't the Warren Commission...

"Um...what's that?" Garfield asked nervously.

"You'll see." Bee said, showing them the sheet, which seemed to be Garfield's grades, and a picture of a very small pea-sized object.

This, Garfield my dear boy, is why you will never satisfy a woman.

"Garfield's brain, as you all can see, is actually the size of a pea points to tiny pea-sized diagram hits Gizmo which explains his grades points to list of Garfield's grades hits Gizmo. Math, 65, just an example, which explains why he doesn't get anything."

Hits Gizmo.

"Why do you know that?"

"Actually, it's Terra's diagrams. She just made a copy, and told me to use it if you ever asked that."

Okay. How does she? know that? She's just as stupid as he and the rest of this cast is.

"Someone remind me to never say that again."

"I'll make a note." Victor said.

Back outside, Kori was looking for Terra. She found her sitting by the tree where they had all met up a couple of months ago, also the very place where Victor and Bee had encountered each other for the second time and realized they'd have to be friends. (Chapter 2, Section 5, Paragraph 17)

No. I'm not looking that up, and you can't make me.

"Umm...Terra?" Kori said gently.

"What?" Terra snapped.

"Well, originally Speedy was going to come out but then Garfield said he should, but then I said that I should so I did and I am wishing to know what is wrong." Kori said very fast.

"You heard what I said in there. You know."

Yeah, so did everybody else. Kind of defeats the purpose of having a shameful secret if you make sure that everybody knows about it.

"No, I do not believe I do." Kori said as she sat down next to Terra.

"What are you talking about? You heard what I said! You know what Rita wrote in that-"

"Well yes. That I do know." Kori interrupted.

"Then what don't you get?"

How PopTarts work. Among other things.

"What I do not comprehend is why you are 'making a big deal out of it'"

"Kori. The entire school thinks I murdered my parents."

"And what do you think?"

"What do I what?"

This story parrots questions more than Metal Gear Solid. And hell, half of the questions being parroted don't make any sense! "Do you think that you killed your parents?" What the hell is that?!

"Do you think you murdered your parents?"

"NO! I didn't! I-"

Terra: It was manslaughter! Okay?! The judge acquitted me of murder in the first degree on the grounds that I didn't intend for that kerosene that I dumped all over them while the slept to be ignited by the lit match that I dropped on them!

"You have never before cared what other people thought.

That explains the smell.

I certainly do not think that now is a good time to start."

"But, but it's hard not to! You think I like having everyone knowing that I got kicked out of 10 different schools? Or even anything about my past?"

Terra: Well, except for when Warren Beatty replied to my fan letter. I came the second I saw the return address.

"You are not the only one. You know as well as I do that everyone of our friends has something about our past we do not like to talk about.

Like that hooker that Vic strangled, or that time Bee colluded in a nuclear attack on the Soviet Union.

You know most of us are orphans. But that is not to say we don't have are secrets as well."

"What are you talking about? Speak ENGLISH."

I get the palpable feeling that all of these kids are failing Language Arts...

"Listen. I do not know anymore about people than they tell me. But just because people say things does not mean there is not more to it. You are not the only one who has had a hard life. I do not know what everyone else thinks of you, but I can say that our friends do not care what you did or what people think you did. We do not judge."

...Ha. Ha ha. Ha. HA. HA! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ha. Hahaha. Haaaaaa~. Man, that was funny.

"True."

"Now I believe we should get back to dinner."

"Go on Kori, I'll be there in a minute."

Kori shrugged, got up, and walked back.

Terra took out the cut-out article Rita had written about her. Then, she shredded it into about 50 pieces.

She counted them out individually and measured with a ruler and protractor to make sure that they were all the exact same size, width and length.

"That's better." She said with relief and started walking back to the dining hall.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Sep 21 2010, 07:27 PM

[Al_Cone]

EDIT: NEvermind, I think I fixed it.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Sep 21 2010, 05:13 PM

[Waffleman]

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck these kids are the worst people in the world.

[Al_Cone]

*****

10/31/04

Halloween Day

Chicago, Illinois

The rain pelted Wilson's umbrella hard as he trudged through the soaked streets of Chicago. His stomach growled; he hadn't had a bite to eat since he'd gotten off his plane, all of fourteen hours ago. Spending a sleepless night pouring over the Umbrella file, and then working to track down his quarry--in all the excitement, he'd forgotten to get a meal in his stomach. He made a mental note to find a good steakhouse later. As long as he was in Chicago, he may as well enjoy the local color.

Splashing into a particularly well-formed puddle, Wilson came to a stop in front of a squat, red-brick building. At three stories, it looked particularly out of place, sandwiched between two substantially taller, younger-looking buildings, but there was a rugged charm, a gritty sort of elegance to it that was lost in the designs of its neighbors.

Wilson folded his umbrella and walked up the stairs, knocking firmly on the door. It opened seconds later, and he was met by a short, pudgy old woman who bore a striking resemblance to the house she resided in. Wilson fought down the urge to laugh, and kept a polite smile on his countenance.

The woman narrowed her eyes at him, wrinkling her already leathery skin further. "You lookin' for something?" she asked.

"Someone, actually," Wilson replied. "Is Billy here?"

A jolt of recognition seemed to shake the woman. Her face lit briefly, with what Wilson could only identify as concern. "He's not here," the woman snapped. "Billy, Billy who? I've never met a Billy in my life. Get out."

"Ma'am, I am very sure that he's here," Wilson insisted. "All signs point to him--"

"I don't care what signs you have!" the woman hissed, looking behind and around Wilson frantically. "There's no Billy here! Now scram, before I call the police!"

What an irate woman, Wilson noted. He scrutinized her carefully. Despite her awkward physical shape, her wardrobe was impeccably clean--her clothes were spotless, her whites immaculate, her colors resplendent...

"Your outfit is lovely, ma'am," Wilson said evenly, counting on the woman to understand the subtext. "Whatever you wash them with must be the stuff of miracles. Heaven knows I'd kill to make my whites whiter. My brights...brighter."

The woman blanched whiter than her spotless white blouse. "Please...please, just go. Just leave him alone," she whimpered. With one simple observation, one loaded remark, Wilson had completely brought this woman's resistance down.

Wilson took a step forward, towering over the woman. He craned his neck down to look her in the eye, and she stared up at him, her bottom lip quivering. "I can't," he said gently. "I promise you, I'm not why he's hiding, and I won't hurt him. But I need to know what he knows."

The woman pulled her gaze away from Wilson's, and stared straight ahead. Past Wilson, past the house, past Chicago even. "If you were a smart man," she said evenly, "you wouldn't bother with this. You'd go home and leave well enough alone."

Wilson smiled wanly at the woman. "Ma'am, I'm a high school principal," he told her. "How intelligent can I be, if that's the career path I chose?"

And she laughed. Once, barely more than a puff of air, but it was genuine. She looked back at Wilson. "Second floor. Third door on the left."

*****

The man who met Wilson at the apartment's door was surprisingly neat, considering his circumstances. Burly and powerfully built, with a proud, neatly-trimmed black beard covering his broad face, a blue long-sleeved button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up past his elbows. Especially notable was how clean the shirt was; it practically shone. He clearly washes his clothes with the same detergent that the concierge used.

Point-blank, Wilson asked "Are you Billy Mays?"

Billy's eyes widened. "Who the hell--"

"My name is Slade Wilson," said Wilson, "and while my word probably isn't all that good to you, let me assure you that I'm definitely not here to kill you."

"That's what they all say," growled Billy. "Get out of here and I won't--"

"They don't all say that, because I'm the first person who's tracked you down." Wilson interrupted.

"And you'll be the last, unless you--"

"Umbrella wanted you to move a product. You didn't. They got someone else to. He's at my school."

Billy's jaw opened slightly at this, gobsmacked. It took him several seconds to gather his thoughts enough to speak. "Your...school?"

"I'm a high school principal," Wilson explained.

Billy laughed gruffly. "Sucks to be you, pal." He opened the door wider and stepped out of the way, motioning Wilson in. "Almost as much as it sucks to be me right now."

Wilson stepped into the apartment, which, defying all stereotypes, was particularly clean. The living room opened up into a small kitchenette, where a pair of bar stools sat at the front counter. A doorway off to the side led to what Wilson assumed was the bedroom, no doubt cramped. There was no television and minimal furnishings; a splintering coffee table in front of a moth-eaten armchair in the center of the room. A newspaper lay neatly folded atop the table.

"I was just making dinner," Billy said, stepping into the kitchenette. "Care to join me?"

Wilson's empty stomach growled rebelliously, and he realized that unless he fed his body, he'd have a full-blown mutiny from his digestive system. "I could eat, yeah." He slid onto one of the bar stools and folded his arms on the counter, checking first that it was sufficiently well-cleaned. It passed inspection.

"You know," Billy said, his back to Wilson as he puttered about in the kitchenette, "if you're a hitman and you're here to kill me, you're not gonna leave this apartment alive. The last one sure as hell didn't."

"Last one?" Wilson echoed. "So I'm really not the first person to track you down." That was a minor blow to his pride. "I guess your paranoia's justified, then."

"More than you know," Billy said, turning back to Wilson. He set a plate in front of him, where two smallish burgers on miniature rolls stared mesmerisingly at him. Sliders, Wilson mused. If he's not Billy Mays, he's done his homework.

"Do you invite all of your assassins in for dinner?" asked Wilson.

"Just the ones I like," Billy quipped from behind the counter. "It's not poisoned, by the way. Didn't have time to before I gave it to you." He set his own plate of sliders down before himself. "So what exactly is it that you want?"

"Your side of the story," said Wilson. "I need to know what the product is, and why the corporation that specializes in creating flesh-eating zombies wants it moved."

"Volxemortserum," Billy said, tenting his fingers over his food. "Badly-named, but nothing to thumb your nose at."

"I know the name; it's what it does that I'm interested in," said Wilson, raising one of the burgers to his lips. He took a tentative bite, chewing thoughtfully. Not so bad.

"As far as I could see?" said Billy. "Mutates you. Twists your body and your mind irrevocably, turns you into something you're not. Some sort of mindless, deformed monster, with spines coming out all which-way, limbs twisting in ways that they shouldn't. Tentacles, too. Lots of them."

"Lovely image," Wilson muttered, taking another bite of his food.

"Like a beard," Billy said in a harsh whisper. "Imagine that for a second. Tentacles like a beard. Like what I have, except less hair, more tentacles."

Wilson swallowed the bite of burger. "I get the picture, Mr. Mays."

"With suction cups, too," Billy added, cracking a smile. "Sorry, is this making you uncomfortable?"

"Queasily so," said Wilson, monotone and slightly green. "Let's just move right along to them getting you to move it, before I forever lose my appetite."

Billy laughed heartily, pounding the counter with a mighty fist. Wilson cocked his head at him quizzically. "I don't know if I'm able to take you seriously, Mr. Mays."

"Your face was just priceless," Billy chuckled, coming down from his laughter fit. "Not that I was joking. That's actually what it does. I wasn't supposed to find out about it, and I did. That's why I'm hiding, see."

"What were you doing with them in the first place?" Wilson asked. "With Umbrella?"

"My job," Billy said pointedly. "I'm a pitchman. I sell products, and I do it well. It doesn't matter if I'm telling someone that a syringe full of sugar water will cure their ass cancer, they're going to buy it, and I am going to get payed for it."

"I can't say much for your scruples, Mr. Mays," said Wilson. "But you're still the best at what you do."

"And that's why Umbrella hired me," supplied Billy. "The ad said that it was 'a shot of ambrosia that'll put you on the fast track to recovery.'" He snorted. "Well, it did at that. Of course, it didn't actually stop there. Say you had a broken leg. You take a teaspoon of Volxemortserum , and within a few days, you start feeling better. Your leg heals up nicely, stronger than ever, and you go about your business like nothing happened. Then the changes set in."

"Please don't tell me more about the changes," Wilson said, his stomach lurching.

Billy cracked another bearded grin. "If you say so, Mr. Wilson." His face abruptly became deathly serious again. "'Course, it doesn't all happen over night. It's all very gradual, you see. Starts with the personality. You become more irritable, less rational. Less human, so to speak. And then, over the course of a couple months, you start to change physically. And this whole time, your personality's warping, your sanity's melting away. After a while, it's all gone. Your personality, your body--you're something completely new. Something alien." He shuddered at the memory.

"So I find out about this one day, at their facility. I was picking up my paycheck--they didn't want it mailed because the government has a tendency to open their mail--when I wandered off somewhere I wasn't supposed to, wound up in their bio-research facility."

"And?" Wilson pressed.

"I saw their quarantine bay," Billy said flatly. "You think you have it bad, hearing about all this? I saw it. God, how I saw it. Nobody came in for hours, and I couldn't bring myself to leave, so I just..."

Wilson raised his right eyebrow, and with it his eyepatch. "'Just...?'"

"Learned," said Billy. "I read everything I could, which is how I know all this. I looked at their specimens; they had 'em all arranged, categorized, marked. All their observations, their notes. And after the shock wore off, I tore the hell out of there, never looked back. I went home after that, found the place ransacked, so I got the hell out of dodge and hid out here."

"Why here?" asked Wilson. "Why this place, why Chicago?"

"I happen to be on very friendly terms with the concierge," said Billy. "Leave it at that."

Wilson almost stepped through the door that he'd opened, but decided against it at the last moment. "Fair enough," he said. "So I get what it does now, but I still don't understand just what Volxemortserum is supposed to be. All the information in the file's been expunged."

A dark look spread across Billy's bearded face. He leaned in closer; his face was inches away from Wilson's. There was whiskey on Billy's breath, Wilson noted; if he wanted to allow himself to live in denial, it wouldn't be impossible to rule out his testimony as the ravings of a drunk. "That," said Billy, "is where things start getting insane. Let me take you through the looking glass, Mr. Wilson."

*****

Ocelot snored loudly as he snoozed in Wilson's plush chair, the early evening sun casting vivid orange rays through the cracks in the window blinds, his feet propped up on the scuffed-up, soiled desk. Two days in charge of Jefferson Co-Ed, and he'd managed to accomplish two feats--terrifying the student body into being good little boys and girls with an efficient (if brutal) demonstration of an electric current's effect on a human body, and completely disheveling the office of Principal Wilson. The latter wouldn't be particularly hard to remedy, but the former might still have some ramifications. Not that young Mr. Ikari didn't have it coming. And his incoherent screaming and jibbering was the perfect cure for Ocelot's insomnia, giving him something to meditate upon and dream about.

His pleasant dream was interrupted suddenly, as the phone on Wilson's desk rang. Startled, Ocelot dragged his feet off the desk, leaving a canyon-sized gash in the wood (one of, by now, several), and groped about for the phone. Finally finding it, he grabbed the receiver and held it to his ear. "Oshelot," he drawled groggily.

"Adam?" Wilson's voice sounded faint and distant on the other end of the phone. The man spoke, but Ocelot couldn't understand a word.

"Slade, I can't hear you," Ocelot said, speaking loudly and enunciating carefully. "Are you passing through a tunnel?"

Wilson's next sentence was louder, but still incomprehensible, save for the last two words: "upside-down."

"What? What are you--" Ocelot pulled the phone away from his face and took a look at it. He was holding the receiver the wrong way.

Well, that's embarrassing, he thought sheepishly, turning it around. "Sorry. I, uh." He thought quickly for a face-saving excuse. "Bad reception. Dammit, Slade, next time contact me via CODEC. It's easier and more secure than a land-line."

"Also, more expensive," Wilson pointed out. "Look, I've found the guy I was looking for, and I've got the information I need."

"And?" Ocelot inquired, glancing warily at the desk--the desk which had been clawed to hell and back by the spurs on his boots. At this point, it'd probably be easier to just buy him a new desk. "Is it bad?"

*****

Wilson turned to look at Billy, who was standing in the kitchen alcove with his arms folded, eyes locked on him. "Worse than I thought."

"I don't suppose you're actually going to tell me what it is?" Ocelot asked grumpily.

"Later, I promise," said Wilson. "In person. I'll call you when I'm back in town."

"Slade--"

"Keep my school running," Wilson interrupted, and shut the phone off before Ocelot could get another word in edgewise. He turned back to Billy. "Alright, Mr. Mays, I think I'm going to need you to come with me back to California."

Billy laughed shortly. "What. Seriously? Even if you aren't a hitman, what makes you think I'd ever follow you anywhere?"

Wilson winked, surprised. "To blow the whistle on this affair," he said, as though it were obvious. "Umbrella can't reach you where I am."

"Unless your school's fuckin' Fort Knox, I don't think so," said Billy. "Hell with you, I'm staying right here."

This was unexpected. Wilson had been certain that Billy would jump at the opportunity to bring down Umbrella's scheme, given his close proximity to their experiments. "Mr. Mays--"

Someone knocked on the door suddenly--two heavy, echoing raps. Billy and Wilson exchanged a brief look. "Probably the concierge," Billy muttered, moving towards the door. "Maybe my laundry's ready."

He looked through the peephole. The vacant stare of the concierge greeted him. "Well, it's her, but without my laundry," he said. "The hell could she want?" He reached for the doorknob, grasped and turned it.

The door exploded open. The body of the dead concierge was thrown at Billy with a powerful force, knocking him onto his back. In strode a trenchcoat-wearing, filthy-haired, scraggily-bearded man with a sawed-off shotgun. Stepping into the room, he planted a giant boot on the concierge's back, raised the shotgun to Billy's forehead and cocked it loudly.

BANG! BANG!

Two shots cut through the air, and the hitman went down, a hole in his forehead and a hole in his heart. His body teetered comically for a moment, then toppled and thudded against the ground. Wilson, with perfect poise and precision, had drawn and fired his C96 Mauser before the hitman could murder Billy.

"Should have cocked the gun before you stepped in," Wilson said to the hitman's corpse. "Wouldn't have saved your life, but at least you'd get the job done." He holstered the Mauser, stepped up beside Billy, shoved the concierge off of him and offered a hand, which Billy gladly accepted.

"Thank you," gasped Billy as Wilson dragged him to his feet. "But this doesn't change anything. I'm still not going with you."

"I'd sure like to know where you plan on going, Mr. Mays," said Wilson, looking at the dead hitman's body. "Your hidey-hole seems to have been compromised."

"There are other places that I could be safe," Billy said with a shrug. "I have some contacts that can keep me underground. Besides, if you're really planning on uncovering what Umbrella's up to, you'll be no safer than me."

Wilson smiled at Billy. "I'll cross that bridge when the time comes." Reaching into his pocket, he brought out a business card and handed it to Billy. "Inevitably, you'll change your mind, Mr. Mays. When you do, drop me a line."

Billy pocketed the card, but didn't return the smile. "You don't know what you're getting yourself into, Wilson," he said gravely. "We're talking about hostile alien retroviruses, mutation at the genetic level. This is a full-scale invasion, and Umbrella is right in the thick of it."

"As though I'm scared," Wilson said with a cocky smirk. "Alien viruses. Genetic mutation. I'm the principal of Jefferson Co-Ed. I crap scarier things than that."

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 28 2011, 12:14 PM

[Waffleman]

At first, when I saw there was a new post, I was like "Fuck, another chapter I have to read."

But then I saw it was the original plot and I was like "Awesome!"

And then Billy Mays came into the picture and I think I love you.

[Mysty]

Geeze, Waffleman, just propose and get it over with.

[xoxjoanxox]

I know this might be late, but what really pisses me off is their stupid reason for revenge against Jinx. She was civil to them and even helped out Cyborg! But all because Bee's jealous and Jinx told her off since Bee wasn't Cyborg's girlfriend, they think they're justified in taking revenge! WTF. I mean, I know you commented on it before, but I had to get this little rant out of my system.

But what you didn't point out is that Cyborg uses the exact same method when he asks out Jinx and Gizmo gets jealous about it! This freaking 'revenge' thing reeks of hypocrisy!

This author's gonna get lynched, I can tell it right now.

This post has been edited by xoxjoanxox: Sep 26 2010, 06:47 AM

[Al_Cone]

So in today's chapter of Normal Teenage Life, our heroes go on a ski trip. Now, if you know anything about the world outside of Long Island, then not only are you miles beyond the knowledge of the author at the time of this story's writing, but you also know that the most famous ski destination in California is Mount Shasta.

Our author, as alluded to earlier, did not. And yet, that's not the biggest problem in this horseshit. Crappy characterization and sloppy writing is once again the norm in chapter thirteen of Normal Teenage Life!

*****

Chapter 13: Dangers On the Slopes

Original Japanese title: Danger at Two Thousand Feet!!! Terra-kun's Collision with Destiny!

WAITING FOR THAT WINTER WONDERLAND

Doesn't this story take place in California? Gonna be waitin' a while...

By Rita Z. Vanderbilt

Oh, I guess she wasn't expelled, despite her, uh, blatantly illegal and underhanded story that should have resulted in her immediate expulsion and legal action.

Then again, maybe Wilson figures that the incident was so minor (and ultimately, very little of consequence was revealed; much of the most damning evidence was actually spread by the party in question themselves) that it was better to not make a big deal about it. "KORI ANDERSON FEELS THINGS TOWARDS PEOPLE" really isn't headline news, Rita.

Every year, the Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding School Juniors get a ski trip to one of the various ski resorts in northern California.

Damn you, Wilson! The full breakfast spread was bad enough--but ski trips?! This simply WILL NOT STAND!!!

This year is no different. This year we are planning on going to Blizzard Ski Resort, in the northernmost part of California.

Of course, since it's the Blizzard Ski Resort, that means a lot less skiing and a lot more StarCraft tournaments.

The juniors (and that includes me folks) will take two and a half hour plane flight late on on Wendsday the 22rd. We'll be there until the 26th, and then come back to Jefferson that day!

I searched the internet and found out that the weather is supposed to be great for skiing!

...One would hope so, it being a ski resort.

A senior who went last year told me that they have all sorts of ski slopes, from beginning bunny slopes to advanced double black diamond slopes. Also, that the actual ski resort that we're staying is humongous! I hear that there are five different floors, with a swimming pool and...What? Oh, my editor tells me that's the resort that the seniors go to in the early summer.

Is she dictating this? What the Christ?

My editor also tells me that this does have five floors. And guess what girls? There's also tons of hot instructors!

"So remember: When going through airport security (gosh, it's such a drag; Wilson was probably responsible for that too), make sure to check your dignity and self-respect at baggage."

Why is there a swimming pool in the ski resort?!

But sadly, it's not all fun and games. The reason we're going specifically to Blizzard Ski Resort, is because our school chorus, band, and orchestra have been selected to preform in the CSSMA, also known as the California State Select Music Association. The only people who can preform there are the best junior players in all of California.

"What the hell WE'RE doing there is completely beyond me."

You know, once again, it probably would have taken two minutes with the Google search engine to come up with the correct acronym for that. I find the irony of one of the author's characters knowing how to use something that the author herself apparently does not know how to use absolutely hilarious.

Now for a little fact. Only three different schools can compete in this, for a prize of 5,000 boxes of Totinos Pizza Rolls for the school.

The three schools competing this year are our own Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding School, Washington Co-Ed Barding School, and Monroe Prepatory School. Monroe is supposed to be good, but I doubt Washington'll be much competition! They can't even beat us in football (for full detail of the 2004 season, see page 3).

I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that I did, indeed, attend Washington Co-Ed Barding School (like most every California teenager), a fine academic institution for those lucky few who are gifted with the ability to sing of the tales of old. I'm a real killer with the lute.

A happy holidays to all at Jefferson from me, Rita! And to all you juniors going on the trip, have fun! Oh yeah, for those who aren't allowed to on the trip, or just want to read more about it, after the trip, be sure to look for an article for me after the trip!

"The better to reflect on just how miserable a putz you really are for missing out on this once-in-a-lifetime kickass journey of excitement. And, apparently, swimming pools."

"No scandal? No gossip?" Bee asked.

"Nope." Dick answered.

"You sure Rita wrote it?" Victor asked.

"Yes."

Why, it has her name on it and everything!

"Well I think it's pretty obvious we're on the ski trip." Raven commented.

"Well considering we're on the plane now, I'd say that we are." Speedy pointed out.

"Well considering engine number two just failed and has caught fire, I'd say we're about to crash," Garfield mentioned.

"Well I think it's pretty obvious the ground is rushing towards us at an alarming rate," Dick observed.

"Well considering the fuselage just erupted into a massive ball of flame upon impa--" Victor started to interject.

"I am so happy that we are finally able to go!" Kori exclaimed with glee.

"Why?"

"The school only provides two trips, one for juniors and one for seniors." Garfield explained.

"And it is snowing there!"

"I hate snow." Raven grumbled.

You know what? Sweetness? Why don't you just go ahead and fill out a list of things that you don't hate. We'll work from there. 'Kay? And we'll see if we can't hook you up with black tar heroin (blak bcuz shez goffik), the drummer from Fallout Boy and the special edition of The Nightmare Before Christmas Das Nitemare b4 Xmas. Then you can stay home and be a miserable cunt while the rest of the fun-loving, normally-adjusted human beings at school go and enjoy life. Bitch.

"Aw, you hate everything." Victor said.

"Not everything! She likes reading, writing, TV, dark stuff, and Gar-" Terra started to say.

"THAT'S not important!

Blasphemy! Garbage day is totally important!



Anyway, Kori thinks everything is soooo cute and wondeful." Raven ponted out quickly.

That must have really been awkward when they took a field trip to the Holocaust Museum.

"So?" Kori asked, tilting her head ever so slightly.

"No comment."

"There are other things to be excited about you know."

Hey, it's our pal the Disembodied Voice! Now we know which class he's in, nice...

"Yeah, we've got CSSMA!" Bee commented.

"I'm not excited about that, I'm dead nervous." Garfield said.

"That's because you never practice your trumpet. You're lucky there are other trumpets."

Tell it how it is, Disembodied Voice! Don't give the asshole a free pass for not taking his responsibility seriously!

"So how many of you are in this thing any way?" Victor asked.

"I play the violin, Bee's in chorus, Kori plays the skin flute, and Gar plays the trumpet." Raven answered.

"And I play the sax." Speedy added.

"So that's counts on fingers one more than half of us." Terra said.

Oh, naturally. Because we haven't quite reached our quota on stupid plot contrivances. This probably would go over better with me if it was, oh, I don't know, REFERENCED OR SET UP AT ALL IN THE LAST TWELVE CHAPTERS?!

But no. Apparently, forced character drama, bad interpretations of classic episodes from the TV series and Raven's stupid poetry about the nature of darkness was more important than informing us that half of the speaking cast is in the nationally-ranked band. I'll bet the next chapter is going to reveal that Kori's a ninja warlord and has been attending classes wrapped in a gi for the entire story.

"How long before we land?" Garfield pleaded.

"About two hours." Dick replied and Garfield groaned.

They arrived at the ski resort around noon.

Damn, fastest two hours ever.

It was an amazing place, suprisingly, very much like Rita had said.

Fancy that--it was actually snowing. At the ski resort.

There was a very large tall building covered in snow, almost exactly out of a holiday card. Then behind it the students could get a glimpe of the snow slopes, and there were tiny ones, and very tall slopes for the more experienced skiier.

"Okay everyone! We'll get unpacked and then we'll have lunch!" One of their chaperones, Mrs. Dalato said.

Mrs. Dalato knows the cutest little grotto where they serve the sweetest gelato.

"But first, well assign you rooms. There are two people to a room.

"I am so happy we could room together!" Kori said happily as she put her suitcase on one of the two beds in the room.

Poor dope, hasn't even figured out yet that she's rooming with Mick Foley, and that he can only tolerate peppy bullshit for so long...

"Yeah, it's cool." Bee agreed as she too began to unpack.

Oh.

I guess that's...okay too.

"And Raven and Terra are sharing a room!"

"Mm-hmm." Bee mumbled.

"It is very convient that we are all together."

Yes, it is very convient. A little...TOO...convient, one might say.

"Let's just hope that Raven and Terra don't kill each other."

"No." Kori disagreed shaking her head. "I do not think they would do that. They are friends now!"

"Whatever you say Kori."

Terra and Raven were also unpacking.

Fancy that!

"Well, I guerss Speedy's cute, but Gar totally likes me. I mean, I know he likes you and all, but he so likes me more." Terra mentioned causually.

"Why do you have to be so wishy-washy?" Raven snapped.

Terra glanced at her window wiper, confused. "I...like to take my work with me?"

"What?" Terra asked in surprise.

"It's not fair to Speedy or Garfield to keep them guessing all the time. You should just pick one or the other and be done with it!"

"I can't help it if they both like me!"

"You're NOT the center of the universe!"

Didn't you learn anything from anime club?! That's Haruhi Suzumiya!

"You practically did! You're always talking about Speedy and always hanging around Gar!"

Goddamn! Disembodied Voice is on fire in this chapter!

"So?"

"SO It's NOT FAIR to them to keep them GUESSING! HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THEY BOTH LIKE YOU?"

Raven: SORRY TERRA, I'M still having PROBLEMS WITH MY CAPSlock.

"I do! I just do!"

"No you DON'T!" Raven practically roared.

"WHAT is going on in here?" Bee exclaimed as she opened the door.

"Raven's picking a fight again!" Terra complained.

"She thinks she's the center of the universe!" Raven huffed.

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do!"

"Will you two STOP FIGHTING FOR FIVE MINUTES?" Bee yelled.

If anybody ever asked me for a brief, succinct summary of Normal Teenage Life, I would just show them one of the six thousand instances of that stupid gag.

"Why?" The two quarrling girls snapped.

"Aside from the fact that I can hear you in the next room, you two don't want to get switched. The principal's not here, so Camile has to share a room. How'd you like to share a room with her?"

Bee is the master. Bee decides who will go and who will stay. Bee decrees who boards with who! Not the...chaperons, hotel staff or school faculty on hand. That power rests soley with BEE!!!

"Point." Terra said.

"Are you guys unpacked?" Kori asked brightly as she popped into view from the doorway.

"Didn't she hear?" Raven whispered to Bee.

"She's had her iPod on "1985" for the past 15 minutes.

Bee: I know, I know, her taste in music is hilarious.

Wouldn't hear it if someone announced that there was a fire."

"Oh."

"Yeah we're just about done." Terra said, shooting a dark glare at Raven, who gave her a look right back. It remained unnoticed by the ever-positive Kori.

She had yet to come down from all that ecstasy she took on the flight.

Random Author's Note:

We interrupt your meaningless character bullshit to bring you meaningless authorial bullshit.

Never let me near ice cream bars before 10 in the morning. I had one this morning and I am all sugar high then crash then sugar high than crash so please excuse me if this sounds wried, no wierd...no wdire...no...weird...no wreid...I'VE GOT IT! Please excuse me if this sounds weird.

Ah, she's going to turn the rest of the story into a Dadaist, existential piece. Well, at least she had the decency to tell us first.

"Then let us take part in the eating of lunch!" Kori (DIE MALFOY! DIE! Sorry, watching the third Harry Potter movie and I want to either kill Malfoy or start cowering in fear from the dementors.)

WASN'T THAT WACKY, FOLKS?! I sure think so! That was TOTALLY worth interrupting the story over! Thanks, author! You've actually managed to demonstrate that your author's notes are even more annoying and less endearing than your story itself. This makes me pine for the literary gravitas of Sage of Story. Pretentious as fuck, but at least she knew not to inject random author's notes all over the place.

The girls found the boys in the dining hall of the ski resort they were staying at and sat down across from them.

"Pretty amazing place isn't it?" Speedy commented.

"Yeah." Terra snapped.

"What's your problem?" Victor asked. (OOO! Lupin said "fear itself" THAT'S THE NAME OF A REALLY COOL EPISODE!)

It's also a famous line from a speech by the late great Franklin Roosevelt, but no, associating it with a flash-in-the-pan kid's show from the early 2000s, that's...that's not at all a turd in the coffee of an American legend. Not at all.

Before Terra could respond, Bee answered for her. "Oh Terra just got into a fight with Raven again, and it just so happens that they're bunking together." Bee answered.

You know, that problem could probably be easily remedied if one of the girls would just offer to swap rooms with Raven or Terra. But I'm sure complaining about this problem without taking any steps to solve it is a much, much better solution.

"Really? You got into a fight wtih Terra?" Kori asked Raven vaugly..

"You were too busy listening to 1985." Raven also snapped.

"It's a cool song!" Kori insisted.

No, no, I'm afraid it's not.

Now for some alternate entertainment inspired by my friend Jasmine!

Wait, what the--

Koala: Chews on leaf hits Gizmo Chew chew chew chew chew chew Chew chew chew chew chew chew Chew chew chew chew chew chew Chew chew chew chew chew

Now back to the show!

...You know what, author? Meet me at camera three.

Hi there, pal. How're you doing? You comfortable? Doin' alright? Good, good, go ahead and have a seat. There's tea, there's crumpets. No ice cream bars, I'm afraid; I think you've had quite enough of those.

So hey, there was something I kind of wanted to talk to you about, and maybe you've guessed what it is already, but I'll go ahead and say it anyway. The author's notes? They're kind of all over the place. I mean, there's no rhyme or reason for them, they're just...they're there. And I mean, I'm sure you really want this story to be taken seriously--which, itself, is something worth chewing you out over, but one problem at a time--but see, the thing is...when you're constantly doing that, interrupting what little narrative flow you have to verbalize whatever thought may be popping into your mind at that point...well, I have to confess, it's not cute at all, it's just really annoying.

I just think it'd be better for you, and for me, and for all parties involved, if you'd just cut that crap out now, and save us all a hassle. Mm? Whaddaya say?

The group was in the middle of eating lunch. Well, Dick, Victor, Kori, Bee, Speedy and Garfield were. Terra and Raven kept trying to eat, but they kept shooting death glares at each other every five minutes.

They are, apparently, incapable of looking at something and chewing at the same time, proving once again that just about any infant on the face of the planet is more competent than two of this story's female leads.

"You know what, I give up! I can't even eat with out her glaring at me every five seconds for someting I didn't even do."

Most people would just assume that Terra was being a bitch when she told Raven to her face that Raven's crush liked Terra more than he liked Raven, but knowing these characters the way we do, it's not outside the realm of possibility that she was simply too stupid to realize that them's fightin' words.

"ME? ME glare at YOU? You're giving me the death glare!"

"I give up! I'm leaving!"

"Again? Don't count on anyone going out after you this time."

"I'm going skiing. I don't intent to have anyone going out after me."

Except, perhaps, a rescue squad when you fail to turn up after a week. The ensuing media circus will no doubt draw ace reporter Rita Z Vanderbilt to the scene on the hunt to find your preserved, frozen remains.

"Good!" Raven hissed.

"Can we even go skiing yet?" Victor asked.

"Yeah, they said we could go skiing after 1:00 and it's 1:30." Dick pointed out.

Dick: Dick tell time. Dick smart. Dick know thirty more than zero, and zero more than thirty. Oh no! That no sense making! Dick sad now.

"Hey I just thought of something." Garfield said at about 1:45. (They had finished lunch and we're now relaxing in the commen room of the resort.

SCENE TRANSITIONS: UR DOIN IT RONG

"Wow." Victor said, then he stood up. "HEY EVERYBODY! GUESS WHAT? GARFIELD LOGAN THOUGHT OF SOMETHING!" He announced.

"Shut the fuck up you loudmouth son of a bitch!" the entire hotel chorused back.

Everyone started promptly clapping.

"Good job Gar." One of the guys said.

"Maybe you'll actually get an idea now!" A girl said.

"First time for everything huh?" Another person shouted.

Man, wouldn't it be great if that's what the applause scene in the last episode of Evangelion were actually like?



Garfield yanked Victor down and hissed in a low voice. "You didn't have to do that."

"Yes he did. That was funny." Bee said with a laugh.

"No seriously."

"What is it Garfield?" Dick asked.

"Can Terra ski?"

"How's that everyone? Garfield thought of something and it's totally irrelevant. Here we are talking about whether or not there really is any actual music on MTV and Garfield asks if Terra can ski?" Victor said.

They were? That's funny. I seem to have missed it. Perhaps due to the fact that NO, INDEED, THEY WERE NOT.

"Seriously! If Terra can't ski and she's mad how do we know that she won't do something stupid?" Garfield said with a nervous look.

What's she honestly going to do, Gar, climb to the top of the bunny slope, chicken out and trudge back down again? Worst case scenario, she gets a little snow in her boots.

"She told me she could ski, but she's a mess on the black diamond trails." Speedy said.

"I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to make sure she doesn't do something stupid." Garfield said getting up.

"And I'll come with you!" Raven said quickly getting up.

Great idea! Send the person directly responsible for Terra's foul mood to find and talk her down.

Garfield shrugged. "Okay c'mon then!" He said as she started to run out with Raven trailing close behind.

"Stupid Raven...thnks she knows everything..."

Now Terra, just because you're mad, that's no reason to start omitting vowels from your words...

Terra mumbled to herself as she quickly jumped off the ski lift as it reached the right place on the mountain. She took a look at the sign for the type of trail it was. The sign said, 'double black diamond'.

"Good." Terra mumbled as she began to ski down the hill.

Terra: I'll get myself killed and likely never be found! That'll teach her for telling me to stop being such a slut!

"Terra!" She heard a voice calling, then recognized it as Garfield's voice.

"Terra!" The voice called again. She caught sight of Garfield.

Before she could respond, or anyone could say anything, there was only two sounds that were heard.

One was Garfield's third, much louder yell. The other was the avalanche quickly barreling down on her. Terra had just enough time to curse Garfield's name before she was buried completely in snow.

First, a loud crash.

And then, a sickening crack.

She knocked a tree over! Shit, shit, shit! This is bad, this is very, very bad! Okay, don't panic, don't panic, maybe we can set it back upright--oh no, oh shit shit shiiiiit...!

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 27 2011, 08:52 AM

[Waffleman]

Wh......Why did the story suddenly become Family Guy?

[The Chosen]

Sound like the author caught a case of Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!

[shiroamasa]

This story is lamesauce.

This post has been edited by shiroamasa: Sep 29 2010, 11:25 AM

[xoxjoanxox]

First, a loud crash.

And then, a sickening crack.

You have no idea how much I wished it was Raven that hit the tree, but I will settle for Terra.

[Kuramastrass]

I just thought you should know I just spent the last like four hours of my time reading this.

Excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep.

[Al_Cone]

Tonight, we see the thrilling conclusion to the Terra Gets Injured arc! Unsurprisingly, it amounts to one-line explaining that she was okay in the end, and then it's never mentioned again.

Remember when Captain Picard got captured by the Borg, and the episode ended with Commander Riker giving the order to fire on the Borg ship? And then in the next episode they did, and it had no fucking effect? It's sort of like that, only it worked perfectly in Star Trek, whereas here, it just makes me want to break shit.

******

Chapter 14: A Sharp Note
Original Japanese Title: "Go Home, Slant-Eye!" Enormous Musical Battle of the Gods ! !

Re-cap of last chapter:

Koala: Chews on leaf Chew chew chew chew chew chew Chew chew chew chew chew chew Chew chew chew chew chew chew Chew chew chew chew chew

NO.

NO! WRONG SLIDE! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO READ THAT AGAIN! Very sorry folks...wrong re-cap! (Though I luv that!)

Better.

CORRECT Re-cap of last chapter:

"Terra!" The voice called again. She caught sight of Garfield.

Before she could respond, or anyone could say anything, there was only two sounds that were heard.

Actually, wait, no. This is worse than that koala shit. Fuck it, I'm not reading that last chapter twice. Moving on.

"Guys? Guys? Where's Terra?" Bee asked when Garfield and Raven returned to the common room.

"Right now?" Garfield replied.

"Yeah. Now." Speedy answered for Bee.

Gar: Oh, she's here. And there. And there. And there.

Too soon?

"Don't know."

"How can you not know! You were looking for her for two HOURS!"

"Well I'm sorry if I don't know the exact location of your girlfriend every minute of every day!" Garfield snapped, giving him an unnaturally dirty look.

Uh-oh, looks like it's Garfield's turn to have his characterization touched in a place or in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable. That's nnnnnnnnno good.

"You went out looking for her! When you go out looking for people for TWO HOURS you normally find them!"

Just like with Natalie Holloway.

"Maybe this isn't normally!"

"Whoa. What happened?" Dick asked.

"Yes, why is Garfield in such a bad mood?" Kori asked Raven.

Raven dangled an empty Tampax wrapper behind Garfield's head. Kori nodded in understanding and winked at Raven.

"We're not exactly sure what happened to Terra. We found her alright, but then she was on a double-black diamond trail, and the only thing we heard was a crash and a crack." Raven answered somewhat sadly.

"So what happened?" Victor asked.

"They already said they weren't sure." Bee replied.

...Wait, but--

"You said you that she crashed right? And you heard a crack?" Dick asked.

Hang on a sec guys--

"Yeah." Garfield answered.

"Then why don't you check the infirmary?"

Would you just--

"Oh. I didn't think of that."

"EVERYBODY! GARFIELD HAS LOST HIS THOUGHTS AGAIN! HE FORGOT TO THINK!" Victor announced.

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! KNOCK OFF THIS UNFUNNY BULLSHIT AND LET ME SPEAK!!!

Okay. So. They were in the general vicinity. They saw Terra, just before she crashed. They saw the direction she was going in. They heard the crash, and the sound of her bone snapping. That second part can tell us two things: One, that the injury was so terrible that the sound of it carried an unnaturally long distance, or two, she was so close by that the snap was clearly audible to both Garfield and Raven.

So, this in mind, they should have had no trouble locating Terra. Assuming in the first, they'd still have a reasonably good idea of where Terra was, and the sound of that snap would be more than enough to drive them to keep looking. Assuming it's the second, then they would have been able to find her without a problem.

Even if they hadn't, then the first thing that they should have done was to contact a search and rescue squad. The fact that they didn't do anything, and instead searched for two hours before giving up and calling it a day, tells me that Garfield and Raven's laziness is so all-encompassing that it actually compromises the safety of someone who they call their friend. They are so lazy that it actually puts people at risk of grievous bodily harm or death. Their thorough "search" probably went something like this:

Garfield: Man, this sucks. Did you find anything under that snow drift, Raven?

Raven: No, and she isn't under this pile of pine cones either.

Garfield: Stupid principal, sending us on an all-expenses-paid ski trip. He probably knew that this was going to happen.

Raven: He's pure evil, and probably a prep. Bet he doesn't even know who GC or MCR are. Hey, my fingers are getting kind of chilly. Wanna get some pizza?

Garfield: Sister, that's the best idea you've had all day!

Terra: What is wrong with you people...?!

"Knew it wouldn't last long!" Some kid shouted.

"Things come, things go!" Another said.

!!!

*pants heavily* Don't SAY such things...! You'll give me another STROKE...!!!

*flips/vanishes

"Don't worry, maybe your thoughts will find their way back!" Yet another announced.

"Well if they're Garfield's it'll take while!" Someone else yelled.

"No more comments from the peanut gallery!" Bee said.

So I guess nobody really cares about that whole "Terra is missing, and possibly gravely wounded" thing.

Dear DiaryThursday, 23 December, 2004 4:12 PM

(THAT'S THE NEXT DAY PEOPLE!)

Even the author's capslock key is broken.

I didn't want anything bad to happen. I mean, she's my friend, but she's not my favorite person. But I wouldn't want anything bad to happen. Well, it's not terrible, but it's not exactly fabulous.

"Personally, I think she's just whining, or faking it. I mean, a broken leg? Spinal contusions? Mauled by a bear? She's such an attention whore!"

I think it may be in part my fault. If I hadn't started that arguement...No, blaminig myself won't do any good.

It's much better to wash your hands of the whole thing and pretend that you had no involvement whatsoever. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Bitch.

Maybe I should explain myself. Well, after the arguement I had written about earlier, Terra and I kept glaring at each other every five mintues in lunch, and then she got up and left. Apparently, she went skiing. She was fine for one moment, and then Garfield decided to go after her, and I followed. When we reached her, she was on a slope way beyond her level, and she crashed.

Raven, it's real nice of you to recap the plot for us, but I'm several times more intelligent than the average reader of this stupid fanfic, so I can actually remember what happened in the last chapter. Kindly blow it out your ass.

Nothing serious, not like a broken leg or anything. Although it was a pretty hard crash, and we heard a really sickening crack, some how, it's only a twisted ankle. Though it's mean, I guess I half wanted it to be a broken leg. I don't know why.

Experts suggest that it's because Raven is a total bitch.

Wait a minute--a twisted ankle produced an eardrum-shattering snapping sound that could be heard from the distance that Raven and Garfield were at?! What the fuck?! Is this Metal Gear Solid 3? Did she just apply a splint and some bandages in the Treat Injury menu?! That's not how real life works, Queenie! That's not how ANYTHING works!

Lately, Terra seems distant. Ever since that article came out, she's seemed, for lack of a better term, meaner.

Let's play a game that I call "This is the worst written story in multiverse." Our subject today is going to be the character of Terra Markov.

Now, in chapter twelve, Terra went through several emotional states. First she was enraged with Garfield over his cowardly and completely unwarranted leaking of the group's secrets, then somewhat indifferent to his transgression (in fact, the promise of twenty dollars seemed to ebb her rage substantially, so she couldn't have been that angry to begin with) and then, for some strange reason, she went right back to incensed beyond all reason--with Garfield, in particular.

Look over the last chapter again. Terra has completely gotten over it by the time of the ski trip, gabbing cheerfully to the others and bragging to Raven about how she's totally going to get Garfield's man-tofu. This alone would be enough to condemn our author as the worst (and most ignorant) character writer since Stephenie Meyer, but then, to add insult to injury, she goes ahead and tells us--tells, rather than shows, us--that Terra is now acting "meaner."

How? Why? In what way? Cite evidence from the text that shows Terra being plain petty and mean, without provocation. The bragging to Raven? That's just her character, always has been. I mean something new, something out of the ordinary.

The truth is, there is nothing. Because she isn't acting meaner, because our author can't write her characters to save her life, because Normal Teenage Life is the most god-awful tripe ever written, because even when it takes and butchers classic characters in the most horrendous ways imaginable, it still finds ways to butcher the butcheries beyond all recognition.

Golly-willickers, that was a fun time. We really must play that again sometime soon. And believe you me--before this story is over, we'll have played an entire season's worth.

I don't know. Maybe something's going on that I don't know. Who knows? Not like I can read minds...though that would be convient.

Oh, uh, on a side-note, this story's spell-checked about as well as a ten-year-old's essay on what he did for his summer vacation.

But honestly, she assumes that both Speedy and Garfield like her. THE NERV.



Alright, I confess, I deleted the "E" in NERVE for the sake of that macro...

She has such a big head sometimes...oh well. Not like I can do anything about it. It could be worse right? She could be a traitor or something unforgiveable like that.

I'm surprised we don't have an ALL CAPS author's note explaining the irony of that statement in great detail.

I'll write more, now I've got to start practicing. I've got CSSMA in three hours, but two hours from now I've got dinner.

"I guess I should also go visit that wounded friend whose injury I am indirectly responsible for, but...nah. I need to write more shitty poetry about darkness and pretend that I'm all deep."

"Garfield." Speedy asked.

"What?" Garfield replied.

"Did you bring your trumpet?"

Suddenly, Garfield's face changed. He looked so astounded and gasped so loud people turned and asked if someone was choking.

That was actually Speedy, whose face was oddly passive and calm as he firmly gripped and strangled the life out of Garfield Logan.

"OH SHIT! I DON'T KNOW!" Garfield exclaimed loudly.

"Watch your language!" One of the chaperones scolded.

"You'd better check genius, if you don't have it, the Mr. Hillferd will murder you. Literally." Bee said.

It's not just Mr. Hillferd. It's THE Mr. Hillferd. Did you hit a flat note? Did you play a C instead of an E? He will fuck your shit up.

"Check. Yeah." Garfield said vaugely.

"Go!" Bee insisted. Garfield got up and started sprinting as fast as he could upstairs towards his room. And that was fast.

Compared to most deep-sea mollusks.

"I didn't know he was that fast. Maybe he should try out for the track team." Victor suggested.

"Nah, he can't run normally. He has no endurance. He only runs like that when he realizes it's important." Terra said from where she was sitting, her leg propped up on a footrest. She had gotten back from the infirmary 15 minutes ago.

It's good to know that the whole injury subplot was a complete waste of time. If you think about it, it's kind of a microcosm for this entire story.

A few minutes later, Garfield came back, empty handed.

"You did not bring it did you?" Kori asked.

"What makes you say that?" Garfield responded.

"Because you are not holding your instrument."

A rare occurrence, to be sure. Seldom is Garfield not holding his instrument. OH MY.

"But I do have it! I have it! I AM NOT DEAD!" Garfield exclaimed happily.

"Really? If you were, I could have sworn you would have stopped walking around." Victor said with a fake atonished look.

No, that's only if he didn't have a brain. He can still function. He just won't do anything. Raven said so, and Raven's always right, because she's our canon-insert-sue.

"Very funny. At least I do something other than sports."

Isn't that cute--the band geek thinks he's cooler than the starting quarterback. Apparently, he's never seen a single one of the high school movies that his story is plagiarized from.

"Sports. Are cool."

"Sure. They're the coolest things since sliced bread!" Garfield said sarcastically.

"I thought Raven was the sarcastic one." Bee said.

"You're sarcastic too." Terra pointed out.

"Yeah but Raven is almost always sarcastic."

"True."

"Speaking of, where is Raven?" Garfield asked.

"She was in her room last time I saw her." Speedy guessed.

Speedy: She was carrying a copy of New Moon and her Edward Cullen vibrator--it's probably best to leave her alone.

"Yes, she's practicing for CSSMA. Which the rest of you should be." Terra said.

"You are right! I should be practicing!" Kori said as she got up and ran out.

"Oh damn! I still have memorized my music!" Bee said as she too ran to her room.

Well, that's the beauty of it, Bee--you're actually going to have your sheet music right in front of you as you play. You know. Like every other high school band that's ever performed in human history.

"Yeah, I had better practice too. We're up against some stiff competition." Speedy said as he started walking toward his room.

"Garfield." Dick said.

"What?" Garfield answered.

"Go practice."

"But, I don't-"

"Don't care. Go. Now." Victor insisted pushing Garfield in the direction of his room.

Once Garfield was gone, Victor turned back to Dick and winked lasciviously. "I thought he'd never leave," he purred as he crawled between Dick's spread legs.

"Who are they against anyway?"

"Well Washington." Dick started to say.

"Oh god not Jill, Mammonth or Gizmo, right?" Victor interrupted.

"No. They're just there for sports."

"And we have that for enough of the year don't we?" Terra joked.

"So it's Washington and Monroe Prepatory school, whoever they are." Dick explained.

Terra, crestfallen that her joke fell flatter than her chest, turned away from Dick and Victor and began sobbing. Of course, nobody liked her, so she went completely ignored.

"Monroe? Never heard of them." Victor said with a confused look on his face.

"Prepatory school? Probably full of fluff-headed preppy cheerleaders and stupid jocks.

As opposed to that prep school that you go to, right?

Like they'll be any threat." Terra said a bit loudly with a giggle.

"I like so totally resent that." A girl said in a valley-girl accent.

Fantastic. I was just thinking that this story hadn't quite crammed all the stereotypes that it could into its five hundred thousand word bulk.

as they approached the three teens. She seemed to be about the same age as the three teens, and had dirty blonde hair so straight that it could only be done by an iron.

That witch! Straightening her hair with an iron like some sort of...average teenage girl! What a prep! Why, I'll bet she's never even murdered her parents!

She had hazel eyes, with tanned skin. She was wearing Von Dutch jeans, and a camisole top covered up with a Juicy sweatshirt that had from the shoulders up cut off so it was very 80's style, leaving her shoulders exposed to the cold air.

Unsurprisingly, she would not be attending the competition, as she had contracted terminal pneumonia for being retarded enough to wear skin-baring clothing in the middle of a blizzard.

She was standing with an angry look on her face, one of her hands at her hips, Coach bag clutched in her other.

"Who are you and why are you listening?" Terra snapped.

"Me? I'm Lauren and I am like, the lead flute at like, Monroe Prepatory school.

I happen to know for a fact that the author herself regularly abused the word "like," when she wrote this story, so this is a serious case of the pot calling the kettle black.

First of all I'm so like, totally not like, a cheerleader. Second of all I'm like so totally not fluff-headed and I get like, straight A's. And third of all, I'm so totally not a prep."

Considering the only definition for "prep" came from Raven, and it was the very opposite of a clear and descriptive outline, I'd be shocked if any of these characters actually knew what a prep was. Hell, half the characters we've read so far are probably "preps" and don't even know it.

"Oh yeah. Juicy sweatshirt, with Von Dutch jeans, a Coach bag, pin-straight hair, bare shoulders exposed in 10 degree weather. Yeah. You're such a non-prep." Terra said sarcastically.

I love the irony in this story going out of its way to point out that superficial judgments are unfair in regards to the main cast, but has no such compunctions about doing that very same thing to tertiary characters based on stereotypes that the author happens to not like.

"I am so like totally not a prep. And we are like so totally beating Jefferson in CSSMA. I was like in my county's select music program for like four years running. And I am like so totally not a prep." Lauren snapped as her little jappy, preppy friends crowded around her.

Whoa now! "Jappy?!" What the hell, Queenie? When did this story become a World War II-era comic book? That's not cool, man, that's not cool at all. Maybe you can get away with that ind of shit in New York, but not here. Not on Project AFTER.

Because we live in America, ma'am, and we Americans believe in one thing above all else: Equality. One of the fathers of our nation said famously that all were created equal, and if that's not an ideal that this story can adhere to, then I suggest you publish it in some other country.



God bless America!

"Yep, traveling in herds. That's a bunch of preps if I've ever seen it." Victor replied.

"Shut up jock. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to blonde over here." Lauren hissed at Victor.

"Umm...I think I'll go now..." Dick said as he inched away.

Ah, Dick, you giant pussy. Don't ever change, man, don't ever change...

"No way, I'm staying here for the cat fight." Victor disagreed.

Not gonna be much of a fight. Terra's a cripple. What's she going to do, lean away from Lauren as she pummels the bejeezus out of her?

"First of all preps, I am not in CSSMA. I don't play an instrument nor do I sing. So if ya wanna argue with someone, argue with Raven, Kori or Bee. Second of all, my name is Terra Kunta Kinte not blonde Toby. And third of all, don't even talk to me." Terra said with a mean look.

"I will talk to you if I want to."

Disembodied Voice takes shit from no woman.

"We'll see how it turns out in the end." Terra said in a dismissing tone and the preps took the hint and walked away.

Lauren, however, apparently does. God, that was weak.

"Hey Victor, when is the CSSMA anyway?"

"Uh...I think it's tonight."

"Why are we even coming to this thing anyway?" Terra moaned that night as she, Victor, and Dick were crowding into the auditorium of the resort along with the people who got tickets earlier that day.

You got an all-expenses-paid ski trip, Terra! Do you assholes have to dump on every positive thing that happens to you? "Oh, we just won the lottery--now we're going to have to pay taxes all the time!" "Man, we just discovered the cure for cancer, and all those research firms are going to go out of business! This sucks!"

"Because Terra, your friends are in this." Dick insisted.

"True."

"And Kori's in it so obviously Dick's coming, and Speedy's in it so obviously Terra's coming." Victor pointed out.

"And Bee is in it so obviously Victor's coming." Terra countered. "How does this even work anyway?"

Well, they do stuff to their instruments, a cacophony of hideous noise starts up, and everybody in the auditorium goes home deaf and with a deep hatred for classical music and high school band. You've never been to a performance before?

"Well, Kori told me that the three schools play the same songs, the band and the orchestra together, and then the chorus does the same, but with different songs."

"Joy. Three hours of the same songs over and over. Pure joy."

They're playing Ode to Joy?! Fuck, it's a tribute to Evangelion! I have to kill fast, and bullets too slow!

"Jefferson can leave after the first hour. We're on first."

What's on second, and I Don't Know's on third. Don't ask who's playing shortstop.

"So what songs are they playing?" Victor asked.

"Uh...I don't know, some holiday songs and they're ending with America the Beautiful."

Because this is high school, and taking risks is for the real world.

Also, who's talking? Disembodied Voice can't be having a conversation with himself...

"Whatever." Terra mumbled sitting back in her seat. Nothing to do for an hour.

About half an hour later, the band and orchestra was finished, and the chorus were on their fifth and final song, and then American the Beautiful and they could leave.

Hey, a scene transition that didn't suck. Nice.

Victor and Dick however, weren't even paying attention. They had been argueing for the entire time, and from what Terra could hear, they were arugeing about which superhero was better, Superman or Batman.

Long after the ushers had escorted them out of the auditorium for disrupting the performance, and completely oblivious to the tears from Bee and Kori onstage.

"We came here to support our friends, and you two are argueing over fictional comic book characters." She said as she rolled her eyes.

"Well technically Batman and Superman are on Justice League." Victor pointed out.

...Yeah, and Clark Kent was on Smallville. Hell, so were you. You're still comic book characters. Jackass.

"Yeah! And Batman's better than Superman!" Dick argued.

"He's an eccentric millionare running around in a cape and a mask with ears. Do not tell me that is not stupid."

No, you know what's stupid, Victor? The asshole who thinks that being an eccentric millionaire with a mastery of martial combat who spends all of his time kicking drug runners in the face is stupid.

"You're guy can be stopped by a green stone."

"Kryptonite is a very rare. Most people don't have it. It's not just a green stone."

You know who does have Kryptonite?

Batman. Owned, bitch.

"Well at least Batman doesn't waste the battle by trying to get the villians to talk about it."

"What? That's-"

Really stupid. Shut up Dick, you're getting in the way of my one-sided debate with a fan fic character about Batman.

"I'd love to hear more of this thrilling arguement, but the band, orchestra, and chorus are preforming 'America the Beautiful', their last song. Could you at least listen?" Terra interrupted, hoping to stop the pointless agruement.

How many ways canst thou misspell "argument?" Let me count the ways...

"What? It's the last song?"

"Yes. It's the last song."

"It's the last song, really?"

"Yes, it's really the last song."

"Are you sure that it's the last song?"

"Yes, I'm sure that it's the last song."

"-Oh beautiful. For spacious skies. For amber waves of grain. For purple moutain, majesty, above the-" The chorus sung, Bee amoung them.

The author would like to take this moment to remind you that Bee, who is black and dresses like a bumblebee, is singing America The Beautiful, which is the last song.

In the band/orchestra section, Garfield, Raven, Speedy, and Kori were playing away.

'D, G, B flat, 2, 3, D, 2, D, C, B flat, C...' Kori thought

She's guessing the bra sizes of those in attendance.

Also, considering the context of the story, I have my doubts that that's actually how you play America The Beautiful...

as she read the music and played with ease. 'C, A, G, F-"

"Phew...that was hard." Raven muttered as she walked offstage.

"That was enjoyable! It's so easy to play and think about other things at the same time!" Kori said happily.

"Easy? That was the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life!" Garfield complained as they walked out, watching the people let out of the auditorium.

Garfield: It was even harder than that time I had to pat my head and rub my belly at the same time!

"Garfield. You didn't practice. Of course it would be hard." Speedy pointed out.

"Nah it was fun!" Bee disagreed.

"So when do we have to be back here?" Terra asked the five as she, Dick, and Victor approached them.

"We have to be back here in about two hours to see who the winner is." Garfield answered.

"We are definitely going to win!" Kori said optimistically.

Considering Garfield was holding his trumpet backwards for the entirety of his performance...

"OMG that reminds me!" Terra exclaimed with a grin.

"What?" Garfield asked.

"I have to tell you about this girl from Monroe Prep that was talking to us earlier."

Fucknuts. Is this going to turn into another stupid revenge scenario?

"Wait? Monroe Prepatory school? I hear they're all preppy weird cocky obnoxious ridiculous frivialous-" Bee started.

Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.

"Yeah she was such a-I don't even know." Victor interrupted at a loss for words.

"Bitch? Slut? J.A.P.? Prep?" Raven supplied.

Why is this story suddenly throwing around epithets?! I always said to myself "Okay, it's bad, but at least it's not racially prejudiced!" Are you just out to prove me wrong, story?

"All four." Dick answered.

"Oh, and she was hot." Victor added.

"Victor!" Bee said swating at his arm.

"What? She was!"

"Boys." Raven mumbled, rolling her eyes with a sigh.

With their physical attractions to desirable women. Why can't all men be more like Raven? Falling in love with the disembrained, absentmindedly doodling their names all over their homework like a great drooling doofus...

"Well she was obnoxious." Dick agreed.

"I was like, so totally not obnoxious." Lauren, the flutist from Monroe snapped as she overheard the conversation.

The hell? Is she just stalking them?

"Oh yeah. You keep thinkin that valley girl." Terra said with a laugh.

"I will because it's true. And Monroe will so win."

"Yeah sure...whatever. C'mon guys." Raven said as she started walking away, quickly followed by the other teens.

Lauren: W-wait! Come back! We were going to start snapping our fingers and twirling!

Two hours later, the group was back at the auditorium, with the other two schools, waiting to hear who won. Well, three of them anyway. The five of them who were in the band/orchestra/chorus were backstage waiting with the rest of the music program.

Wait...five? Three? Two? What? What is it referring to? The group? The schools? Gah, I'm so confused; I almost wish I was trying to figure out who was talking in a dialogue sequence with no quotes attributed to anybody!

"We had better win." Dick mumbled. (coughcough obsessive hypercompetiveness coughcough)

SUBTLETY: UR DOIN IT RONG

"Yeah, I don't wanna have to hear it from that Lauren girl for the rest of the trip." Terra agreed.

"C'mon guys it's just a contest. Winning isn't everything." Victor disagreed.

Says the guy who, twelve chapters ago, decided to get into a pissing contest with Bee in the middle of class because he didn't want to get shown up by her.

"If I have to hear a valleygirl dressed for the tropics in 10 degree weather nag me for three days about how much better her school is than ours, then it's everything."

Disembodied Voice's competitive nature gets the better of him sometimes.

"And the winning school is who?"

"Yeah, hurry up already!" Dick commented.

"You've all played very nicely, and I'd like to thank our judges for judging so quickly. But as much as I'd like it, we can't all win, but remember-"

"We're all winners." The entire auditorium chorused. Every single time they had a contest, someone said it.

Yeah, John McCain tried that line in his concession speech. It drew slightly fewer boos than the name "Obama."

"Yes. Very good! You are all winners, but-" One of the judges started to say, but then a very bored judge quickly interrupted.

"But point blank end of story. One of you will win 10 thousand dollars for your school and the other two schools will lose and gain nothing point blank, end of story."

Wow. That sentence actually lapped itself.

"You cannot say that! They are young children who's minds are easily disturbed!" One of the older judges hissed, and everyone heard it.

"The Conclave will not have you using this platform as a soap-box for your views on sheltering the impressionable!" thundered Aldaris, the oldest and wisest judge on the panel. "Submit now, and the Conclave will grant you a favorable severance pay!"

"Yeah, our minds are so easily disturbed." Terra mumbled.

"And the winning school is...Monroe Prepatory School!" The very...um...truthful judge stated.

There was a cheer heard from the Monroe preps...achem...

I didn't think it was possible to misspell "ahem," but...

I mean students. For everyone else, a groan was heard.

"We lost! I can't believe we lost!" Terra complained later.

"I told you we'd beat you." Lauren said with an evil, jappy, preppy, fake grin and walked away to gossip with her friends.

What is with this story and its rabid hatred of the Japanese people? I think somebody needs to take a trip to the Tolerance Museum.

"I bet that they're parents bribed them." Garfield suggested.

Yeah, Garfield, that's far more plausible than that jackass trumpetist who never practiced blowing the entire thing for his school with his incompetence. But keep on trying to slough the blame off on someone else; by now, I'm sure the student body will take any excuse they can get to kill you. It's wise to let someone else be the fall guy.

"Nah...they could have never bribed that guy who told us who won. He was too, too..." Raven started to say.

"Honest." Dick finished for her.



"Doesn't matter. Not like it's important." Bee said.

"Ah well, at least there's Christmas two days from now!" Terra said.

"Yes! I am looking foward to Christmas!" Kori said happily.

Because Kori's from the Middle East, and all Middle Eastern natives enjoy celebrating Christmas! You know, it really shows that our author did her homework in writing this story, especially with little touches like that. It just makes the experience so much more complete.

Seriously though, spoiler alert: Kori's from Israel. And she enjoys celebrating Christmas.

And she has natural red hair.

...

Fuck this story.

[Waffleman]

Terra interrupted, hoping to stop the pointless agruement.

It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by agruement.

AND IS THIS STORY OVER YET? It's impossible to tell because there's no plot, it's just a series of increasingly retarded vignettes!

[Al_Cone]

It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by agruement.

AND IS THIS STORY OVER YET? It's impossible to tell because there's no plot, it's just a series of increasingly retarded vignettes!

We're not even halfway through, my good man.

Also, I looked it up. "J.A.P." is apparently a slang for "Jewish-American Princess." So the story's not Japanophobic, it's just anti-semetic. That's much better.

[Waffleman]

We're not even halfway through, my good man.

Also, I looked it up. "J.A.P." is apparently a slang for "Jewish-American Princess." So the story's not Japanophobic, it's just anti-semetic. That's much better.

OH GOD KILL ME NOW.

[Kuramastrass]

If there's a "plot" point about how Lauren (or whatever her name was) hates Christmas because she's Jewish I might hurt something. Wait, I don't have to worry about that, the author has no reasonable amount of intelligence.

Also, if I remember correctly, Lauren was the name of the bitch in Twilight who started spreading rumors about Bella or something. And she was like Bella's friend but then started hating her for no reason and even turned Jessica to the "dark" side. Fuck this.

[Soren Highwind]

We're not even halfway through, my good man.

You think this is long? Hahahahaha, haha. That's rich.