Pokemon Reborn Redux, The Rebornining
Pokemon Reborn Redux, The Rebornining
Super High School Level Pimp
Joined: 13-October 14
Member No.: 1,378
Mar 12 2017, 05:32 PM
You remember Pokémon Reborn, written by ptdpdd? Well he decided to rewrite the story, and unsurprisingly, it still sucks. However, I’ll go as far to say that it’s WORSE than the original. You don’t believe me? Well read on to find out.
LET THE STORY BEGIN
It was a sunny day in Vaniville Town, when you hear a loud scream. Cameron was on the floor cradling his stomach with his glasses an arm reach away he had been head butted in the stomach by a Fletchling. Five minutes later, Cameron was still groaning from being hit in his stomach, but if that hit were any lower he wouldn't be able to have children.
And like before, his story is nothing but large walls of text. Why he still does this, I have no clue. But given how basic ptdpdd’s penname is, I firmly believe that he can’t be older than 10 years old.
I’ll also admit that it’s a shame that the Fletchling missed his junk a second time—wait, second time?! Did the author just keep the first chapter the exact same?
"Damn bird" Cameron mutters. Cameron gets off the floor while picking up his glasses and giving the Fletchling a death glare. He leaves his room and goes down stairs and sees his mom is gone (If you're wondering yes his mom is a prostitute).
Never mind the fact that nobody was asking what his mom does for a living, don’t prostitutes usually work at night?
Cameron grabs a pear and leaves his house. Cameron is walking to professor Sycamore's lab when a short round boy named Tierno came out of the labs. He asked if our main character is Cameron which Cameron replies by saying yes. He then ushers him to a restaurant where a short skinny boy, a mildly busty White girl, and an extremely busty African American were waiting.
Nice to see that Shauna still has her back-breaking tits…
The little boy name was Trevor. Trevor had pulled out a briefcase with one Poké Ball missing. Cameron asked Trevor who they were for; he told them they were for him and one more person. The two Pokémon that were left were Froakie and Fennekin. Cameron chose Fennekin because he knew their personalities would match very well.
And because the author has a fetish for Fire-type Pokémon.
"Fennekin lets heat things up." Cameron says while calling Fennekin out. Cameron looks at Fennekin "I should name you shouldn't I" Cameron says while pondering name possibilities. "What do you think about Bill … nah to rapey" Cameron says. "ahh I know what about blaze" Cameron says looking Fennekin. Fennekin nods while doing a couple flips. "good you are now known as blaze" Cameron says triumphantly. Cameron looks from Fennekin over at the two girls that were talking among themselves.
One thing I noticed is that Ash is no longer Cameron’s brother. I guess the author saw him as a threat to his self-insert.
"Hey do you think I could battle one of you guys" Cameron asks. "Sure I would love to battle with you" Shana says with a confident smile. "Before we start I think we should make a bet" Cameron says. "Oh yeah what's that" Shana says. "If I win you have to travel with me and buy me whatever I want until I beat the elite four and vice versa" Cameron says. "I've been meaning to go on a shopping spree, I accept that bet" Shana says with a confident smirk. "Alright, but you have to swear on Arceus" Cameron says. "I swear" Shana says.
And what happens if Cameron runs out of money? Surely the author wouldn’t have Cameron work with his mother to make ends meet.
Cameron VS. Shana Battle:
"Blaze lets show them what we got!" Cameron says excitedly. "Chip you do the same" Shana says while jumping up and down. "WAIT" Cameron says while laughing. "You named your Chespin… Chip" Cameron says still laughing. "That's like me naming Blaze, Fen or something" Cameron says. "I thought It was cute, instead of laughing how about you put your money where your mouth is and finish this battle" Shana says in an irritated tone.
"Alright Blaze lets finish this quickly" Cameron says. "Blaze uses tackle". Blaze drops his head like a bull and runs head long at Chespin. After being hit Chespin fell to one knee and seemed to be in excruciating pain. "Blaze Tack…." Cameron was interrupted by Shana's screaming. "What" Cameron said actually quite startled. "You can't attack twice" Shana said looking angry.
Ok, time out here. Shauna’s getting angry at Cameron for attacking twice in a row. Pokémon battles don’t work like that in the anime, you twit!
Wait a minute, is this story based off the anime, or the game?! Either way, I don’t see why’s Shauna’s getting upset over Cameron attacking twice; just call out an attack as well!
"Really watch this… Blaze use tackle" Cameron said with a smirk. Blaze hits Chespin knocking him out. "Oh no Chip" Shana said running over to her fallen partner's side. "Chip return" Shana said sadly while standing up.
"You cheated" Shana says angrily. She turns to Tierno "he totally cheated right". "Even if he did you can argue with results bro" Tierno said.
There were no signs of cheating Shauna, you were just too slow.
"You better take responsibility, you knocked out my dear chip and you also cheated so you better take responsibility". "It doesn't matter, in essence until I beat the elite four, you're my slave so whatever" Cameron says. "Wait that's not what I agreed to" Shana says.
WHAT THE FUCK?! Cameron essentially enslaved Shauna, due to the former winning a battle. Within the space of half a chapter, the author turned his self-insert into a despicable cretin who enslaved a girl for his own selfish purposes! The worst part is that despite Shauna whining about Cameron cheating, she’s right when she says she didn’t agree to being enslaved. The deal was that whoever lost must buy whatever the winner wants, until they reach the Elite Four. How the hell did Cameron get enslavement out of that?! And why is nobody else protesting this?!
"Can't do anything about it now and if you try and back down you will feel god's wrath that I can assure you of" Cameron said calmly. "So first off let's head over to a Pokécenter so that we can get *snicker* Chip healed up" Cameron says.
Cameron and Shana head over to the Pokécenter in Aquacorde Town and wait while chip and blaze are being healed. They get their Pokémon back and are getting ready to leave when they see a mailman come rushing in and spots the duo and runs towards them. "are you Sir Cameron" the mailman says. " I don't know about the Sir part but yeah I am Cameron" Cameron replies with a confused tone. "Here" the mailman said while pushing a box into Cameron's arms before turning and running away. "What a weird mailman" Cameron thinks. He opens the box inside is a Torchic and a note. Cameron grabs the Poké ball "Come on out Torchic" Cameron says. "Torchic I'm going to name you flare" Cameron says. "Come back flare" Cameron says. Cameron grabs the note says, come to my lab in Lumiose City Professor Sycamore. "Next stop Lumiose city" Cameron says.
And like before, Cameron gets the Event-Exclusive Torchic, because the slave keeper has yet to be satisfied.
Ten minutes later in Santalune Forest
"Cameron do you know what aura is" Shana said. "Yeah it's a emanation that comes from all living things, it can be viewed by aura guardians, aura spirits, and some Pokémon" Cameron says in a knowledgeable and wise tone. "By the way I know all of this because I'm an aura guardian of destruction" Cameron says proudly. "Well I'm an aura spirit" Shana says calmly.
If I had a dollar for every Pokémon fanfic that involves Aura powers, I’ll be rich enough to buy the Pokémon franchise.
"Two things, first, I hope you know what the destruction part of my title means and second why are you telling me this" Cameron said with a noncaring look on his face. "First, no I don't know what the destruction part of your title means. Second, I told you this because I wanted to inform you your aura looks very weak" Shana says very seriously. "The destruction part of my title means I can only use my powers to harm and kill. I can't use my powers to create or protect" Cameron says with a sigh. "That's good and all but I'm serious your aura seems extremely weak after our battle" Shana said. "Well since you're an aura spirit you should know the 2 ways for my aura to replenish we could either wait for my aura to come back or have sex" Cameron says. "I wouldn't mind having sex with you" Shana says.
The fact that Shauna can’t knock back Cameron’s sexual advances, due to the fact that she’s his slave, makes all these lemons a lot more disturbing.
HERE IS THE DIRTY STUFF DON'T LIKE DON'T READ
I'm writing this part of the story in first person (Cameron) for maximum enjoyment. Scroll down the page until I say the dirty stuff is over
Nice to see that you’re as fucking shameless as always. And how is any of this enjoyable?!
Shana and I walked to a darker part of a forest while I was making sure no one was around. I was pushed against a tree and Shana climbed on my lap. Shana then locked lips with me. This kiss was so sweet I didn't want to let go but we had to stop for air. I brought her in for another kiss and this time I shoved my tongue into her mouth and she returned the favor. She then slipped her hands down my shorts. She quickly moved my shorts down to my waist and slowly slipped them off revealing my massive penis. I was 10 inches.
Whoa! I didn’t expect to see Cameron shrink his self-inserts penis. At least it’s not the three feet long bullshit that was in the original fic.
"Oh my Arceus Cameron it's huge!" Shana said. "Thanks" I said. She said bobbing her head up and down on the tip and crown. "Cameron it can't even fit in my mouth" Shana says. "I think it can" I said as I grabbed her head and started to force her mouth on my shaft. "Ahh" I said with one last thrust I released my hot seed into her mouth.
And this lemon became a lot more rapey…
Wait, I just realized something. This lemon is an exact copy of the lemon in the first chapter of the original story, just with a reduced dick size.
Guess we can add laziness to this author’s personality.
I was breathing hard and sweating while I watched Shana drink it all. "Mm, sweet and salty", that was a lot Cameron, I wonder if you have more…" and she started stroking me again. "Ahh, Shana I-I-I'm Cumming again" I said. I said covering her face in semen." Now Cameron, it's your turn for me" she said. She quickly slipped off her shirt and her tight shorts to expose her sky-blue lace she was wearing. Then she undid her bra unmasking her beautiful breasts. She slowly slid onto my lap and rubbed her pussy on my penis. I cupped my hands around her H cup breasts and started sucking one she was moaning in ecstasy.
Oh, so Cameron gets a reduction in penis size, yet Shauna still has her mega-tits. Why is that author? Did you not want to damage your precious blow-up doll?
"Yes Cameron" she moaned." I want you inside of me" she said loudly. "Are you ready?" I asked. "YES" she screamed. I then started pounding her pussy with my colossal penis. "Cameron I'm Cumming!" she screamed. "Me too" I yelled.
The dirty stuff is now over you can continue reading the story.
Fifteen minutes later
Cameron and Shana had cleaned themselves up. They decided to proceed towards Ouvert Way so they could reach Santalune city. Cameron and Shana were entering tall grass when suddenly*nananananananananana (Pokémon battle music) *
I refuse to believe that this author isn’t some lobotomized child, with an enormous sex drive.
a Pidgey appeared. "The Pokédex says Pidgey is a dual-type Normal/Flying Pokémon. It evolves into Pidgeotto, which evolves into Pidgeot. Pidgey has an extremely sharp sense of direction and homing instincts. It can locate its nest even when far removed from familiar surroundings. Pidgey is a docile Pokémon." Shana says. "Go blaze, use ember" Cameron says. Pidgey falls over and seems to have some trouble standing up. "Go Poké Ball " Cameron caught a Pidgey. "I'm naming this Pidgey, birdbrain" Cameron says." Now I have three Pokémon blaze (Fennekin), flare (Torchic) and birdbrain (Pidgey)" Cameron says happily. Over time, black clouds gather over our duo and it starts raining. As their running for shelter they hear a Pokémon cry. They stop and go in the direction of the crying.
That was good chapter also I left you with a cliffhanger and you just have to wait and see which Pokémon and why it's crying. Peace
Good chapter my ass, this was a bigger piece of shit than the original.
I can safely say that this fic isn’t going to be pretty. Already, the author has made his self-insert to be as likable as a flesh-eating disease, and the grammar suck about as much as it did then. I hate to see what this author has in stock for us in the future.
Until next time everyone.
Joined: 17-January 17
From: The United States
Member No.: 2,036
Mar 13 2017, 08:09 AM
I respect your bravery delving into this.
"Did you know that UnsavoryGlint is my old arse Xbox live profile name?, I keep it out of a odd respect for it (although it could due to the fact that its a euphemism for something nasty.)"
I'm very concerned.
Joined: 3-January 13
Member No.: 787
Mar 14 2017, 03:43 AM
How can any author pretend that a self-insert main character like this one is even remotely likable, must less not deserving of being ostracized and imprisoned for what they do?
Slavery, via the author putting a character in a headlock on a out-of-the-blue servitude wager. Demanding sex, because his powers that can only hurt people are depleted.
As if the sex scene wasn't bad enough, its entirely lackluster and sped through, causing the self-insert to be presented as a one-pump chump with a second wind.
And the kicker is that the author thinks this story is something to be proud of and presented for others online.
Nice work on the mock so far, keep it up.
Joined: 14-April 12
From: Charleston South Carolina
Member No.: 631
Mar 14 2017, 08:24 AM
I remember reading the original mock, but not much detail wise. This first chapter really didn't seem to be any different from the original, aside from him shrinking his dude's dick down from a footlong.
Currently Mocking: Final Fantasy VI: A Retard Tale (Final Fantasy 6)
Finished Mocks: A Step Onto Chronos: The Magical Adventures of
The Shield's Triple Threat: Fic 1: Both of Us, Fic 2: Negotiation Tactics, Fic 3: They Didn't Call Him the Architect for Nothing (WWE)
Chris Benoit's Family Circus: Fic 1: As a Murder Does, Fic 2: Wolverine's Cub, Fic 3: Blank Space (WWE)
High School Sweethearts: Fic of the Year Edition (The Bible [Yes really])
Hitler did a lot of poor things, but at least he wasn't a Holocaust denier.
Joined: 10-June 12
Member No.: 660
Mar 14 2017, 03:33 PM
Reading this, it feels like the name Cameron will forever be burnt on my retinas. I have a feeling the author really likes that name, because it appears sixty-four times in this chapter. The pronoun 'he' is only used nine times; six of them referring to Cameron.
Good mocking, keep it up.
"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.
Click here for more mocks: List O' Mocks
Super High School Level Pimp
Joined: 13-October 14
Member No.: 1,378
Mar 16 2017, 02:11 AM
Thank you for your comments everyone.
UnsavouryGlint@ I appreciate the confidence boost, but believe me, this is far from the worst fic I’ve ever mocked.
ConcernedGamer@ I remember you comment in regards to the original fic, stating that I need to improve. Ever since that day, I’ve strived to be a better mocker. Thank you for your words of wisdom, I really mean that.
Now in regards to your comment here, I have no clue on how authors can justify their skin-suit enslaving another human being for their personal gain.
Truthordeal@ Actually, Cameron’s penis size in the original was three feet, or a metre. And the only other difference I noticed was that Ash is absent from this version.
StabbyKobold@ Kudos to you for counting the amount of times Cameron’s name appears in the first chapter. Have I ever told you how awesome you are?
Now then, time for me to mock chapter two of this deplorable fic!
"What is that sound?" Shana said to Cameron in a confused tone. Cameron shrugs his shoulders while looking around for the source of the sound, without seeming to care about the rain pouring down on his head. After around five minutes of searching, laying on a stump was a small creature with fur is primarily a shade of orange, though its face, outer ears, underbelly, hands, and feet are light yellow. "What is it?" Shana said to Cameron in an unsure tone. "Whatever, it is I believe its sick because its fire keeps flickering" Cameron says in a calm analytical tone. "We should take him to a Pokécenter"
Nah, let’s leave it there. Of course you take a sick Pokémon to the Pokémon Center, you stupid child!
Shana says trying to catch the small fire ape while shivering profusely. The small creature would not be caught due in part to the fact that it was resisting and also due to Shana's incredibly shaky hand. She repeated the process four more times. Cameron suddenly losing his temper picked up the reluctant Chimp and took him to the nearest Pokémon center with Shana in tow, the nearest city was Santalune City. He goes inside the Pokémon center and puts the Chimchar on a chair and then told Shana to watch him.
The Chimchar scratched its ass, before firing an Ember at Shauna, causing her breasts to burst.
He went up to the counter where this town's nurse joy had been on standby. "Excuse me do you think you can heal this Pokémon*motions to the Chimchar in the chair*" Cameron says. "Yes I'll get right on it" nurse Joy replied. Chansey come out with a stretcher put the Chimchar on it then rushes into the back. "Nurse joy can I have a room for two". "Yes" she says. Nurse joy escorts them through a door to large room. "Enjoy your stay" Joy says. Cameron and Shana go in the room and shut the door behind them. "
The Next Day
Cameron wakes up with one of his arms covering a scantily clad Shana's chest and his other arm on his dick. (Yes I'm going to imply sex even though I could just include it. Why you might be asking, the answer is very simple I don't think it would fit here, instead I'm going to remove it and suggest that it happened)
WELL THEN WHY IMPLY THAT CAMERON HAD SEX, IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WRITE A FUCKING SEX SCENE, YOU ILLITERATE HACK?!?!
Cameron with a big Grinch grin decides to twist Shana's nipples to wake her up. She wakes up with a loud squeak. "get dressed we need to go check on the chimp" Cameron say putting his shirt and pants on. Shana quickly gets dressed and grabs her bag. Cameron and Shana exit their room and go to the front of the Pokémon center where nurse joy is. "Can we see the Pokémon?" Cameron asks. "No he has already left" nurse joy said. "do you know where he went" Cameron said calmly. "I'm sorry I don't know" Nurse Joy said. "thank you" Shana said nervously while dragging Cameron through the exit door.
Ten Minutes Later
Shana and Cameron were looking around the entirety of Santalune City. They asked everyone if they've seen the small chimp. Eventually the came across a blue haired trainer who claimed he saw Chimchar. "Where was the last place you saw him" Cameron says. "The last place I saw him was outside Santalune City, where I left him on a stump" the trainer said with a smirk.
Wait a minute—this author’s ripping of the anime episode, where Ash got his Charmander.
Cameron ignoring the terrible connotation behind what he said "We've been looking all around the city but we haven't looked at Overt way" Cameron said. "Right I'll go ahead and look" Shana says excitedly. Cameron looks at the trainer and asked "What's your name". "I'm Michael Glas" Michael said.
And we needed to know the name of this random jackass why?
"I'll remember your name and if I ever hear your name again and your still hurting Pokémon I will find you and end you because I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long life. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you." Cameron says with a dark smile. Michael eyes become wide as plates as if he's seen a ghost. Cameron proceeds to turn around and run to Overt way hot on the heels of Shana.
Eight Minutes Later
Cameron arrives just in time to see Shana pass out. There were two people in red outfits in the outcrop one had long hair and the other had short hair.
Oh it’s only Team Flare. Those chumps are easy to defeat.
"Shana, are you ok" Cameron says running to her side. She mumbles an answer. "You hurt Shana now you have to fight me" Cameron says. "Chaa" Chimchar says jumping in front of Cameron. "You want to help me fight" Cameron says with an excited smile. Chimchar nods. "alright get in the poke ball then" Cameron says. Cameron throws a poke ball and Chimchar goes in immediately.
"Alright Tweedle-dee and Tweedledum prepare to fight" Cameron says. "Let your blood boil out and let the sun consume the earth we our hell's gates." Says the two in red. "I'm Bolock" The short haired one said. "I'm Brittany" the obvious female says. "Go to hell" they say in unison. Bolock and Brittany step forward and say "go raticate". Brittany's raticate comes out first. It lands on the ground and immediately goes to its hind legs and squeaks. Bolock's comes out next but it was different from the first. It was heavier and darker. Its fur was mostly black with a brown, leaf-shaped patch on its belly and brown inside its ears. Its hands, feet, cheeks, and tail are a whitish-cream color, and its hands are much smaller. It had large, puffy cheeks with four whiskers under its chin and two sprouting sideways from the top of each cheek.
Alolan Raticate? What the hell is one doing here?
"What the fuck is wrong with your rat" Cameron says partially in wonder and partially in amusement. "Call your Pokémon out and I will show you" Bolock says in a serious tone. "Hold on a second" Cameron says wile rummaging through his bag. "Here it is" Cameron says with a smirk while pulling out a Pokédex. He points it at the black raticate and his Pokédex says "Error 404 Pokémon not found". "what the…" Cameron says in a confused tone. "Whatever what about you" Cameron says pointing the Pokédex at the regular raticate. The Pokédex comes to live and says "Its disposition is far more violent than its looks would suggest. Don't let your hand get too close to its face, as it could bite your hand clean off." "That's so helpful thanks Pokédex" Cameron says in a sarcastic tone.
Can you go a day, without being a passive-aggressive wanker?
"Go Chimchar and Blaze" Cameron says. "Alright raticate use Bite on Chimchar" Bolock says. "Raticate you do the same" Brittany says. The darker rat ran up and bit Chimchar until blood came out. The lighter rat follows up with biting the chimp's arm. "Chimchar do something and Blaze use ember". Chimchar releases a red-orange stream of fire from its mouth at the bigger blacker and chubbier(BBC) rat, instantly knocking it out.
Are you sure you’re not talking about a Big Black Cock? Because I’m pretty sure Cameron is in the mood for one right now.
At the same time, Blaze fires a medium sized fireball at the regular raticate setting some of its fur on fire. "Wow Chimchar I didn't know you knew flamethrower" Cameron says shocked. "Chaa" Chimchar says with a bashful smile. "Alright let's finish this" Cameron says. "Chimchar use flamethrower and Blaze use tackle. Fennekin starts running at the opposing Pokémon until Chimchar's flamethrower connects with his body then he stands up on his hind legs and then slams them into the ground, causing a large cloud of dirt and dust to kick up and cover its body. Blaze explodes from the dust with its body surrounded in red and yellow flames and then proceeds to slam into the raticate causing it to go flying backwards in a ball of fire and get knocked out in the process. "You got lucky this time you bastard" Bolock says while running away with Britany in hot pursuit. Cameron rolls his eyes and praises his Pokémon.
Cameron glancing over sees Shana recovering from whatever happened to her. After Shana regains her wits she glances over at Cameron before screaming "Cameron their trying to make god". "What?" Cameron says with a confused look.
Yeah, what the fuck is Shauna going on about now?!
"Arceus told me there are many things in this world that we barely understand but the number of things is going to increase drastically" Shana said with tears in her eyes. Cameron goes over to her side and puts a hand on her shoulder "Slow down and start over what do you mean their trying to make god, and what new things aren't we going to understand?" Shana looks Cameron in his eyes and says "Hell's gates is an extremist sect of a bigger organization known as the Aether Foundation.
What the shit? The Aether Foundation was introduced in Pokémon Sun and Moon; this fic is based off Pokémon X and Y, why is the Aether Foundation being brought up all of a sudden?! Did the author play Sun and Moon in order to get ideas for his crappy redux? Well if the author is somehow reading this, I have one thing to say…
If you dare write a shitty lemon involving Cameron and Lusamine, heads are going to roll today!
They use the cover of trying to cure hurt Pokémon in order to get DNA which there compiling together in order to make another Arceus and their taking DNA and inserting it into people, Pokémon and other things. The results create things like that raticate you saw". "That's sounds pretty serious what can I do" Cameron says. "Arceus told me the first thing we need to do is get a Pokémon known as Rotom and then she would contact me with more information" Shana said. Cameron sighs "That's just more work that I have to do…. well do we know where Rotom is". "No but we can figure it out" Shana said. "I'm not trying to figure that out right now how about we focus on the physically closer goal. Shana nods in agreement and the duo walks back to Santalune City without any more events.
Now that we’ve finished this chapter, we now know that Cameron and Shauna are now fighting the Aether Foundation, because they’re trying to make God or something. At least this version kept the stupidity of the previous version.
Until next time everyone.
Super High School Level Pimp
Joined: 13-October 14
Member No.: 1,378
Mar 19 2017, 06:11 PM
When we last left Pokémon Reborn, the author thought to himself ‘Hey, those Aether Foundation people were sure evil. Why not throw them in my X and Y story?’ And in this chapter…we get something else entirely.
After arriving back in Santalune City Shana wants to immediately wants to go to the Boutique and look for things while Cameron wants to go to the trainer school to learn things. They come to a happy medium. They will go to the trainer school first and then proceed to the boutique afterwards.
.30 Seconds of walking later
.3 of a second? Either the author was typing with one hand, or his protagonists are as fast as Sonic the Hedgehog.
They arrive at the doors to the trainer school. After walking in their immediately greeted by four small kids and an old man. Cameron goes up to the old man asks him "Do you run this place". "Yes, I do young man are you and your friend here to learn" The old man says while motioning at Shana. "Yes sir, what exactly can you teach us" Cameron says. "Well, that was sarcasm … but I can teach you about status ailments and Battle items" The old man says with an awkward tone.
Ehhh…I didn’t detect any sarcasm from that sentence.
"Oh… but I know I and my friend, Shana would definitely appreciate being enlightened by a wise man such as yourself" Cameron says talking in a tone as if trying to convince him of something.
But in this sentence I did! Did the author swap the lines by mistake while editing?
The man with an earsplitting grin says "I usually charge for my knowledge but for such a kind young man it's on the house. Excuse me if my explanations are a bit simplistic their meant for literal ten-year old's".
Kind. The same child whom enslaved his friend, and can demand sex with her, whenever he wants, is kind. Excuse me for a moment…
*Repeatedly slams head against wall for a minute*
There, that’s better.
"Follow me" the old man says while leading Cameron and Shana to a back part of the building with a few desks and a chalk board. Shana sat down with a serious look on her face as if she had to prove something, Cameron takes note of this but chooses not to say anything.
Over the course of about ten minutes the old man explained the different status conditions the eighteen types of Pokémon can acquire. After this ten-minute dialogue, he immediately launches into a twenty-minute speech about battle items.
So Cameron and Shauna spent 30 minutes, listening to shit that any basic trainer worth their salt should know.
Finally, he finishes talking and walks up to Cameron and gives him three X attacks and defenses. The man then walks up to Shana and does the same but as he begins to retreat back to the board, Shana grabs his wrist and asks "I've been wondering for a while now what exactly are you". "You act and look like a human but you obviously aren't a typical person".
How? How does Shauna know this? And before you bring up her aura, let me reply by saying that the author never explains the rules of the character’s aura powers.
In fact, that’s a trope I see all the time in these Pokémon fics, where the protagonist gains aura powers.
The old man trying to keep appearances pulls his wrist from the girls grasp and says "That so rude I gave you a gift and everything and your saying I'm not normal". "How odd the more we proceed into this situation not only do you seem uncomfortable it's starting to smell like ozone in here" Cameron says while standing up. At the same time the four kids that where energetically playing behind them had suddenly disappeared.
Well it seems that you two are stuck in a haunted building. Good luck getting out!
The old man starts laughing manically "Alright, you caught me I'm not your typical teacher but even so do you think you can beat me". "Whoever said anything about beating or fighting the only question I heard was what are you" Cameron says trying to defuse the situation. Shana nods her head in agreement. "well now that you know what are you going to due" the old man said confused by this development. "Well what are you" Cameron said in a relieved tone. "I'm a failed experiment my name is XT-08 aka Hydra" Hydra says. "Failed experiment of what" Cameron says. "The Legendary Human experiment" Hydra replies. "It's basically taking embryos, newborn's and kids and combining their DNA with legendary Pokémon".
There is so much fucking wrong here, I could be here for hours tearing this shit apart, but that won’t be much fun, so I’ll cover the basics. This old man is essentially an experiment, of a project dedicated to combining humans with the DNA of Legendary Pokémon, most likely conducted by the Aether Foundation the author was so keen on jamming into his fic. I have several questions regarding this plot point.
1. Where did they get the Legendary DNA from? Legendary Pokémon usually hide in elusive places, and even if they’re found, they have more than enough power to ward off any intruders.
2. Why insert them into kids to begin with? Considering how much stronger adults are than children, it would make more sense to experiment on adults.
3. What is the point of these experiments? What is the ultimate goal of this project? Who’s funding this shit?! Why did the author think that this was a good idea?!
"Cool, well Hydra instead of sitting in this tiny shack with nothing to do besides temporarily entertaining the occasional passerby why don't you come with us." Cameron says in a very sincere tone.
What an awfully nonchalant reply to the old man.
“Hey, I’m some failed experiment of combining a human with a Legendary Pokémon.”
“Cool, want to tag along with us?”
"you only say that because you don't know how much of a monster I am" Hydra says sadly. "Alright then show me" Cameron says with a confident grin. "Are you sure it's going to be scary" Hydra says with an uneasy grimace. Cameron and Shana both nod in unison. Hydra sighs and then he kneels over and he starts to scream. The sclera of his eyes turn from white to black and his iris turns from blue to gold. His watch then pops off and he stumbles into one the walls. The lower part of his pants rip reveling everything between his ankle and knee, and his wallet falls out landing by his right shoe. Hydra's feet begin to grow wider and stretch his shoes and then they enlarge in length, tearing the shoes and exposing his toes. He then stomps his left enlarged green scaly foot on the ground and his ankles widen. He tries to walk while his entire body is growing and his torso becomes so large that he tears his shirt and grows to nine feet. His nails sharpen and extend as his entire body turns green and scaly. His teeth sharpen and his ears extend and move to the top of his head. Hydra then lets out a mighty roar before coughing as he clears his throat.
He looks like someone’s shitty fursona.
"I am Hydra a failed hybrid between man and rayquaza" the artificial mix states in a serious tone. Cameron was about to say something when eight men in black with large guns bust in through the doors. "XT-08 why have you transformed you are in direct breach of your instructions" One of the men in black said. "What instructions" the dragon man says in apparent confusion. "You are questioning a higher up instead of doing as you are told that's insubordination and a mix like you know what that means" the man says.
He’s only asking for his instructions, you fucking dipshit!
The green dragon seemed to get three shades lighter as if he was terrified of what was getting ready to happen. Six men in black streamed in with a giant gun on their backs. "Due to insubordination against a higher up, as stated in the rules, the punishment is death. Cameron and Shana were both petrified as they watched this insane scene unfold in front of them. Another man brought out a table and sat the huge gun on it. The first man walks up to the gun and presses a few buttons on the weapon. The gun hums to life and then starts crackling, after about thirty seconds the gun fires a small white ball directly at the dragon man. He doesn't try to avoid it and in the blink of an eye there's nothing left but a pile of dust. The men in black disappear as quickly as they showed up. "What the hell just happened" Cameron said trying to hold back tears. "I don't know what just happened but I want to go to bed now and not think about this ever again" Shana said while beginning to cry.
Why are they crying over the old man’s death? They only knew him for half an hour.
Cameron carries the crying girl back to the Pokécenter and asks for a room so they can go to bed.
And we end of this chapter with the author carrying his overly stacked blow-up doll to his room. Honestly, I don’t see the point of introducing this Hydra fellow, if he was going to get killed off.
Until next time everyone.
Joined: 10-June 12
Member No.: 660
Mar 20 2017, 09:54 AM
Hold on a minute. Are you telling me that these MIB assholes destroy one of their Poké-hybrid experiments for the mere act of asking a question, and not for breaching protocols they weren't informed of? And not only is the execution charge-up painfully long - despite no less than fourteen people being on standby for exactly this scenario - it was also entirely uninterrupted, and they then proceed to do absolutely nothing about the two witnesses?
This is fucking absurd.
"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.
Click here for more mocks: List O' Mocks
Super High School Level Pimp
Joined: 13-October 14
Member No.: 1,378
Mar 23 2017, 07:22 PM
StabbyKobold@ Yep, that’s entirely what happened. And as you said, it’s fucking absurd that they did nothing to the two eye-witnesses.
So the author promised us that this chapter won’t be as dark as the previous chapter. However, it cranks up the stupidity to unprecedented levels.
Cameron and Shana wake up in the Pokécenter where they had gone to bed the previous night. "Let's begin our day like usual and not think about the previous day's events" Cameron said trying to console his depressed partner. "alright" Shana said calmly. Cameron and Shana leave the Pokécenter. Outside the battle school had disappeared. "what the fuck" Cameron said in a confused and bewildered tone. It was as if the battle school had never existed there was no remains whatsoever.
We got that the first time, no need to constantly tell us that the third chapter was entirely pointless, and could be taken out without affecting the plot.
Even the grass looked like there had never been a structure on top of it less than a day ago. Shana didn't say anything except look at the spot where the school should have been in silent conclusion. "Wait right here" Cameron says to Shana as he runs back inside the Pokécenter. "Nurse what happened to the school" Cameron says in transparent confusion". "What school" Joy says without the faintest clue of what Cameron was talking about. "THE BATTLE SCHOOL, THE ONE THAT WAS LITTEALY RIGHT OUTSIDE" Cameron says in a saddened angry tone.
‘Saddened angry tone.’
No Cameron, that’s not how emotions work at all.
"I don't have any idea what you're talking about" Joy says trying to get Cameron to calm down. Cameron whipped around looking at every person in the center "DO ANY OF YOU KNOW!?" Cameron says angrier than ever. Almost in unison every person shook their head no. Suddenly, Cameron began to shake with rage. He began to breath hard and his eyes began to turn red. A dark red energy like substance began to surround his hands.
Why the fuck is he getting pissy all of a sudden?! Does this despicable fucker have anger issues?
Just as suddenly as this pseudo transformation began it was over, he calmed down and the energy disappeared. "Whatever" Cameron muttered. He exits the Pokécenter to see Shana talking to a man wearing all black.
Cameron silently walks up to the duo trying to get the jump on this man in black only to have the man whirl around to Cameron with a confident smile. "Hello Cameron I'm detective hunky and I'm recruiting you" Hunky says. "What are you talking about" Cameron says with a sigh. "I'm recruiting people for the International detective force" Hunky says with a smile. "What makes you think I will say yes" Cameron says with a withering look. "If you want to find how an entire building disappeared overnight and who killed 'Hydra' you will join me" the detective says returning Cameron's gaze with equal intensity.
And this detective is hiring children, as opposed to capable adults why…?
Cameron looks at the man for a second before looking down taking his glasses and wiping the lenses a couple of times, he put them up and looks back at the detective. "when can I begin" Cameron says. Hunky smiles broadly.
10 minutes in a base beneath the boutique in Santalune City.
Cameron, Shana, Hunky and Lily were all standing outside of a door. "I'm Lilly and stating now you've been assigned to my task force" Lilly says. "First and foremost, code names, Cameron you are now agent Shaft and Shana you are agent Jugs. "
Dehumanizing Shauna to a pair of breasts.
As if the author hasn’t done that enough…
Now that that that's settled follow me" Lilly said. Cameron and Shana follow Lily through the door to a room filled with presumed agents. "Take a seat anywhere" Lilly says as she walks to the front of the room. "Okay ladies and gentlemen this is the deal. Nicholas Glas, one of the nastiest organized crime bosses in this country is in town tonight," Lilly said.
Oh…he must be related to that Michael kid, whom dumped his Chimchar in the second chapter.
There were a few whispers from the assembled spy's, surprised at the job ahead of them, Nicholas was notorious for always slipping away from the grasp of the authorities. "Tonight, we know where he's going to turn up and I've assembled this team, the spies we have to man the undercover stakeout and grab Nicholas as soon as he arrives on the scene" Lilly said.
Do you really expect to capture a criminal mastermind, with the assistance of two horny children? The mere thought of it is laughable.
Beside Shana sat Cameron, he leaned over to her and softly said, "This is going to be a long night". " Jugs and Shaft," Lilly said, addressing the two spies, "You two will be in the side alley. I want you to assume the cover of a prostitute and her client."
After dark in a side alley
Cameron and Shan drive into the alley, with a car loaned to them by the force, behind Nicholas's building. Cameron and Shana were both nervous Shana showing it more than Cameron because this was their first mission. As Cameron put the car into park Cameron looks at Shana. She is wearing an incredibly short leather miniskirt that is riding up slightly on her dark thighs and looks as though it is only inches away from showing her panties. Her crop top has a blue and black leopard skin pattern and barely covers her massive tits. All in all, she is a breathtaking sight to behold.
I can hear the author jerking off from a few miles away.
Cameron decides it's time to make his move, "We should make this look realistic," Cameron tells her, reaching around and putting his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer. As your hand reaches over her shoulder you let it brush her ample breast through her crop, the large melon feels incredible.
Did the author dip into Second-Person Perspective by mistake?!
"I'm sure Michael will have people watching this alley," Cameron adds. Shana barely has time to agree before Cameron pull her in close and enthusiastically kiss her mouth, his tongue finding its way between her lips as the hand around her shoulder squeezes her breast firmly.
Here's the sexual stuff
Yay, more sex with Cameron and his slave. Wait, is the author dropping his POV shit that he did in the first lemon?
Cameron reaches behind Shana's head and starts to pull her head down towards his lap. With his other hand, he unzips his fly and pulls out his cock which is already stiff from anticipation of what is to come. "It'll look more realistic if you suck it then they won't suspect anything," you tell her as the head of your penis brushes against her lips.
Instead of his usual fare, he's making a second trip into Second-Person Perspective. Does the author even know what proofreading is?!
She drops her resistance and lets Cameron press her face down into his lap, his erection pushing between her lips. He lets out a grunt of pleasure as his cock slides over her hot tongue into the back of her mouth.
Her hot tongue ended up giving his penis third-degree burns from the friction.
It's the first time either of them has done something like this and they both seem to be enjoying it a lot. "Oh, that's right, suck me sugar," he gasps between gritted teeth as he holds Shana's head down on his lap and hunches down in the car seat, as he tries to push as much of his dick into her mouth as he can. Cameron then let's her up slightly before pushing back down on the back of her head and thrusting upwards with his hips. He only has to fuck her face for a few minutes before he cums.
Hey, this might be a dumb question, but shouldn’t you two be looking out for this criminal, who could have escaped by now?
Cameron not wanting to make a mess of the car decides to cum in her mouth. Cameron sees Shana struggling to deal with the amount of semen. She gags and chokes a bit as the cum makes its way down her throat. After swallowing Shana looks up at Cameron with a smile. There is suddenly a knock at the window of the car and Cameron twist's around in the car seat to see who is there, his cum and saliva covered dick still poking out from his open fly.
Cameron: “Uh hi…you want a turn sucking my dick?”
Sexual stuff over
Cameron and Shana are immediately hauled out of the car by Lilly, who pretends to overlook the rather compromising position Cameron were found in. "You horny teenagers just cost us the stakeout!" she bellows angrily. "What do you mean?" asked Shana in surprise. Lilly glared angrily at both of them, "While the two of you were fucking a certain target slipped out the back door, right past your car and off to freedom."
This was the part where I laugh for five minutes straight. The author avatar was so horny that he blew his job, just so he can blow his load into Shauna.
"Oh dear," Cameron mumbled embarrassedly. "At least Shana got me off" Cameron thinks. "Oh, dear is right!" Lilly snarled, "I'm sending the two of you to spy school!" "What?" both of them cry in surprise. "You heard me!" Lilly said in an aggravated tone., "I believe the two of you need training" Lilly said in a final tone. "The two of you are to report to Secret Agent School by tomorrow!" Lilly said. "By the way, Spy school is in Lumiose city.
Spy School? Isn’t it the usual protocol to kill a spy whom failed in their duties? And why is Lilly getting angry at the newbie spies, for failing a high-risk job?
5 minutes later
Cameron and Shana are standing in the middle of town. "We have approximately 9 hours to get to Lumiose city if we want to be there at 9" Shana said looking at Cameron. "alright then let's run straight there" Cameron says dashing towards route 4. Before he can pass the gate to get to route 4 he gets stopped by a girl who has brown hair and eyebrows. She also has green eyes. Her hair is collected at the back of her head except for a tuft of hair that protrudes from her forehead. She is wearing a tight black and red shirt, the collar and cuffs of which is white. She is similarly wearing tight gray pants, brown boots and a fanny pack. Moreover, she is wearing two yellow earrings and has a red nail polish on her fingers. "Oh, you... You are, aren't you? You're one of the kids who got a Pokémon from Augustine Sycamore, right? That Fennekin you've got there looks pretty happy. You must be a good Trainer. In that case, get over to the Pokémon Gym. I'm sure my sister will be glad to meet you!" the girl says in a chipper tone. "alright then" Cameron says with Shana right behind him. As Cameron and Shana get ready to enter the gym there stopped by another girl. "hold up, if you want to enter this gym you have to beat me". Cameron sighs and shrugs his shoulders.
Oh fuck me sideways, we’ve got some battles in this chapter?
"Alright, go Zigzagoon" the roller skater says. "Finish this quickly Fennekin" Cameron says. "Zigzagoon quick attack" the skater says. The Zigzagoon begins running towards Blaze as he runs he disappears and reappears right in front of Fennekin and hits him. Fennekin get knocks in the air but manages to flip and land on his feet. "Fennekin use flame charge" Cameron says. He stands up on his hind legs and then slams them into the ground, causing a large cloud of dirt and dust to kick up and cover its body. Blaze explodes from the dust with its body surrounded in red and yellow flames and then proceeds to slam into the Zigzagoon causing it to go flying backwards in a ball of fire. "Zigzagoon use tackle" the roller skater says. The creature begins to run at Fennekin but mid charge it trips over a rock and lands on its face. "That was sad … but I have to finish this blaze finish it with an ember" Cameron says. Fennekin launches a small ball of fire from its mouth that when connecting with Zigzagoon knocks it out.
I’m sorry if I had nothing to say about that battle, but what could I say? It was essentially a poorly written version of an in-game battle.
The roller skater returns its Pokémon and goes up to Cameron. "You beat me here take this pair of roller skates and 224 dollars as compensation" The girl said. "do you have another pair" Cameron says as he passes the skates to Shana. "Only the pair I'm wearing" the skater said. Cameron puts his hand out, the skater sighs takes off her skates and gives them to Cameron.
What a fucking greedy dickhead! He outright demanded that the skater give up her own pair, even after she had given him her spare pair. How the author deems his self-insert to be likable, is a goddamn mystery.
Cameron walks past the girl and into the gym. Cameron walks in and takes note of the rope in the middle of the room. The room resembles a gallery, and displays many photographs. Cameron trying to finish as fast as possible tells Shana to wait there as he slides down the rope in the middle of the room onto a spider web that acts as a floor. Cameron after analyzing the web found a route to the gym leader without trainers. He runs right up to the gym paddle and stands in the middle of it. A bright light shines on him and he says "Viola I know you're here and I, Cameron am here to challenge you". A shadow flickers across the light and land in front of him. The shadow takes the form of a slim young girl of average stature. She has blonde hair that is cut in a chin length bob with two slightly longer locks that land in front of her ears. She is wearing a white vest grey cropped pants and a white belt. Viola looks Cameron in his eye and says "That determined expression… That glint in your eye that says you're up to the challenge… It's fantastic! Just fantastic! Is this your first time challenging a Gym? Fantastic! Whether it's the tears of frustration that follow a loss or the blossoming of joy that comes with victory… They're both great subjects for my camera! Fantastic! This'll be just fantastic! Now come at me! My lens is always focused on victory—I won't let anything ruin this shot!".
Putting aside that the author ripped off her dialogue from the game, there’s going to be nothing fantastic about this battle.
"Before we start, I have a request" Cameron said. "what do you need" Viola said enthusiastically. "its late were both tired, to make things faster instead of a regular battle let's have a double battle". "I like that idea" Viola said enthusiastically.
"Go Surskit and Vivillon" Viola said. "Tie up these loose ends, go Blaze and Birdbrain" Cameron said. "Surskit/Birdbrain quick attack" Viola and Cameron say in unison. Surskit scuttles at a rapid pace towards Pidgey. Surskit attempts to hit what he thinks is Pidgey only for his hand to go through. "An after image!" Viola says in shock. From the top of the arena, birdbrain divebombs towards the poor Surskit. It's falling so fast that it becomes a blur and then it crashes into the Surskit knocking it out and kicking up a cloud of dust.
Most likely killing the poor thing. Holy shit, was that an overkill!
Viola starts coughing and tells Vivillon to use tackle. It's so hard to see that instead of hitting Fennekin or Pidgey it hits a stone. "Fennekin fire charge" Cameron says. The fox begins to light itself on fire and prepare to tackle while Vivillon gets in its line of sight. The butterfly is in view for about a second but that's all blaze needs. He runs full speed and tackles the weak butterfly, the crash causes a small, violent, destructive and violent shattering of the earth around the fox and butterfly. This explosion mages to clear the dust and what is left is quite funny actually. A small brown bird picking at one of its wings sitting atop of a slightly larger yellow fox that seems to be nodding off.
There is nothing funny about whatever the fuck you were trying to write.
"That was a great …" Viola said being cut off by the fact that Fennekin was glowing. The Fennekin was enveloped by a brightly-colored light and slowly began to change. The quadruped's outline changed to bipedal and a stick like object appears in its hand. The light slowly fades and All three trainers were able to see what the Pokémon looked like. Majority of its fur is yellow, it has black legs, white arms, face and neck, and a dark orange tail tip. The fur on its cheeks is longer, and a small mane of white fur covers its shoulders and chest. Long, wavy tufts of dark orange fur grow out of its large ears, and its eyes and small nose match this fur in color. Above its legs, the fur sweeps out to either side. When its mouth is open, two pointed teeth can be seen on its upper jaw and it has a stick in its tail. Cameron Pokédex makes a beeping sound and identifies the new Pokémon as Braixen.
Who’s only going to end up as a cum dumpster, should the author be a furry.
"Look at that a pic perfect Braixen" Viola says smiling. " Well Cameron, you… No, it wasn't you alone. You and your amazing Braixen and Pidgey have shown me a whole new depth of field! Fantastic! Just fantastic!". Viola pulls out a badge and hands it over to Cameron. "With that Bug Badge, more powerful Pokémon will listen to your orders in battle… Yup, even if you get them from trades! And here! This TM commemorates your win against a pro photog like me." "Using a TM like that one there lets you teach your Pokémon some new moves quicker than a shutter set to 1/1000 can snap shut! TMs are some of the best gear around. They're point-and-click easy, and you can use them over and over again! Now, the TM that I just gave you is for a move called Infestation. Use it, and it'll be impossible for your opponent to flee from battle! Now then, can you zoom in a bit to check out the tent behind me? Take the stairs that you find beyond it, and you'll be back up to the entrance faster than a flash!" Cameron understanding the instruction goes behind the tents and finds a stairwell that leads back to the entrance. Cameron goes outside with Shana right behind him. "How long did that take" Cameron says still trying to keep time. "Approximately 20 minutes" Shana said.
20 minutes?! That barely felt like five minutes!
"Alright that means 8 hours and 40 minutes left" Cameron said with a confident smile. "Alright let's go to Lumiose city" Cameron says excitedly. Cameron runs to route 4 where he is again stopped by the brown-haired girl. "Oh, you... You are, aren't you? You're Cameron, right? Would you look at that! You got the Bug Badge! Looks like I might have a new scoop. To beat Viola at your young age... You really are something, aren't you? Oh! Sorry, I never did introduce myself, did I? I'm Alexa. The Gym Leader you just faced, Viola, is my younger sister. I work as a journalist myself. Here, why don't you take this to celebrate getting your first Badge!" Alexa reaches in his back and pulls out an Exp. Share. "If you have this, an Exp. Share and you turn it on, all of the Pokémon in your team get experience, even if they don't appear in the battle. I hope it helps you with your training! I work at the big publishing house up in Lumiose City. Feel free to stop by anytime if you have the next big scoop to share with me! We'll meet again that I can assure you of!" Alexa says with an energetic smile as she runs off. Cameron equips the Exp. Share and began running straight down route 4.
I'm going to skip to the end of Parterre Way. Let's assume 13 minutes' have passed(8 hours and 27 minutes)
Well then why couldn’t you have put down ’13 minutes later’ or some shit? My God, you got even worse than when I first mocked you!
Cameron and Shana had reached the end of the Parterre Way. When they had arrived, they were stopped by a Caucasian male and an African male female.
Male female? Is the author implying that Sina is transgender? Because that’s…new.
The male says "Hello there! Have you ever heard of a Pokémon called Flabébé?" "Yeah" Cameron said while breathing hard. "Oh! I see. It's registered in your Pokédex! That's what I would expect from one of the professor's handpicked Pokémon Trainers!" The unknown Caucasian said. Cameron looked confused since there should be no way this man should know what's on his dex since it was stored in his bag. "Oh by the way, I'm Dexio. I've been battling since Professor Sycamore entrusted me with a Pokédex two years ago, you could call me a Pokémon-voyage veteran." Dexio says with his chest puffed out. "I'm Sina! I know It's a beautiful name for a beautiful lady!" Sina said. Cameron rolls his eyes. "that's nice but I have to be going now" Cameron says.
Hey! Sina’s been through more than enough, without some snotty-nosed kid oppressing her! Check your goddamn privilege Cameron!
…there, I did my required meanie shaming for today. Can I go home now?
"Wait, If you'd like, I'll show you the way to the lab. So, come along now!" Sina says trying to convince Cameron. "No" Cameron replies. "Oh? Well, don't be shy, OK? Come talk to us when you want to go to the lab" Sina says visually disappointed. Cameron and Shana walks past the duo. Cameron and Shana walk through the building that leads into Lumiose City. "well we made it into the city" Shana said. Cameron and Shana quickly head to the Pokémon center and off to bed.
I'm going to end the chapter here.
Thank the lord, this chapter’s over!
Despite it being longer than the author’s usual fare, it fully showcased why this fic is utter trash. The writing and grammar are absolute garbage, the main protagonist is an unlikable dickhead, the battles are quick and boring, and the “humor” is cringe worthy. Luckily we only have one more chapter left to go.
Until next time everyone.
|Lo-Fi Version||Time is now: 25th March 2017 - 11:32 AM|