Hans von Hozel, WTF Options

[Ash]

So my boyfriend stumbled across this guy, Hans, who has apparently written 239 stories for... pretty much everything. He says that English isn't his first language, and I totally agree.
But there's a difference between bad translating, and what the fuck this dude writes. I would say he's a troll, but he's written too many damn fics.

Anyway these are two of his Half-Life fics, which are both very short one-shots. And very... just no.

I'm in green as always
This... thing is in white.

Fic 1:

Half-Life

Gordon Freeman made construction in his Science.

His REAL SCIENCE!

"I have the potion solution!" shout Gordon, hold up the potion.

To end the massive uprising in stupidity lately.

Suddenly, his potion solution constructed nuclear in its half life and opened up a black wormholee!

Ole! And... I don't think he knows what a half life actually is...

Combine everywhere began to danube out of the portal.

What the hell is a 'danube'?

"NOT COMIBNE!" shout Gordon, as he tries to put his closet in front of the portal, but the Combine break through the clothes.

Where the fuck did that closet come from?! And clothes aren't hard to break through, you just kinda... push them aside.

The Combine jumped around and destoryed of Science!

I don't even know what's going on it that sentence.

"MY SCIENCE!" scream Gordon, as the potion chemicals dropped to the floor and a beaker of SMASH!

A 'beaker of smash'? Was Gordon somehow able to contain Hulk's smashing ability in a beaker?

And so Gordon used his spare chemicals to contruct a gun. The gun constructed in its bullets.

Oh what the fuck.

"NO MORE COMBINE!" shout Gordon, and all the Combine were a shot at and fell back through the worm hole.

Where they led relatively peaceful lives as pastry chefs.


Fic 2:

The Accidental Virus

Gordon Freeman made a standing inside Science Office.

The official office of science.

Many science were littered across the room.

Chemistry and physics were sitting on the desk, mathematics was doodling on the walls, biology was spewing some weird blue fluid all over the nice carpet, and psychology and anthropology were studying the other sciences while making vague Freudian references.

Suddenly, Gordon made discovery of something strange in his Science Readings!

Purple really is a gay color!

"I THINK YOU SHOULD COME AND MAKE SEE THIS!" shout Gordon to the corridor..., but no one replied.

Poor Gordon, no one cares about you.

Gordon looked down at the Bacterias on his plate.

And they flipped him off.

Suddenly, the bacteria flew off Plate!

"YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT TOP ON PLATE!" shout Bacteria, "NOW WE INFECT THE WORLD!"

Those bacteria are mean little fuckers.

The Bacteria began to danube and multiply, and soon the whole room was full Bacteria.

What the fuck is danube?!

"OH NO!" screamed Gordon, as he forgot to shut the window curtains and bacteria OUT THE WINDOW!

Out the window that has no glass and is in the science lab that is underground. Man, Black Mesa really needs to get some better fucking windows.

The Police had installed a camera into Gordon's Science Lab, and saw this with their film.

Suddenly, the Police jumped into the room.

Police: FREEZE MUTHA FUCKA!

"You have release VIRUS!" scream Police, and the put a capture on Gordon and send him to jail.

Hey now, its not his fault the window in the underground lab had no glass.

"BUT THE HALF LIFE!" screamed Gordon!, as he made a sending to jail and bacteria disolves the lab.

So... the bacteria jumped back through the window in the underground lab that had no glass and just... dissolved? 'Kay then.

So, I cant read any more of this shit tonight. I might do more tomorrow if I have time.

[YTB]

These are among those special stories that are so bad, they're funny.

Gordon Freeman doesn't talk, by the way.

[DraculaMarth]

Ah, yes. Hans. I considered mocking him, but I thought there was no way to mock him. Guess I was wrong.

Also, danube is a word commonly used by him. I looked up the definition and here it is:

A river of south-central Europe rising in southwest Germany and flowing about 2,848 km (1,770 mi) southeast through Austria, Hungary, Serbia, and Romania to the Black Sea. It has been a major trade route since the Middle Ages.

Yeah...

Awesome mock, if not just because you actually managed to mock Hans

[Kuramastrassx3]

Hey! Don't be hatin' on my boy Hans! His stuff is comedic gold!

I'm serious. Go to what's definitely the worst one, Matt kill digimon, and try to read that shit out loud. You can't do it without laughing. I love this guy.

Also, I totally found him first. Page 11-ish of the Twilight topic? I copypasta'd his Twilight fic in there. It's gold.

Oh, um, the mock. Yeah. Didn't read it because I don't know half-life. Please don't shoot me.

[Ash]

Yeah I wiki-ed danube and that what it gave me so... I'm so confused by that.

Lol its okay Strass, I'll be mocking more than just his Half-life fics...

[shiroamasa]

Remember squirrelking? His stories made me laugh. HARD.

This post has been edited by shiroamasa: Jul 21 2010, 08:01 AM

[Protto]

Christ, does Peter Chimaera write on different accounts to make it seem like there's an elaborate conspiracy to undermine humanity's literary grade?

This post has been edited by Protto: Jul 21 2010, 08:24 AM

[chevy]

i remember this guy, i couldn't mock his stuff because it actually made me laugh.

good mock though.

[Screaming_Soulcatcher]

shit at it's best. Good job Ash!

[Ash]

Well kids, I'm back with some more wacky one-shots.

Me in green of course
Fic in white

Fic 1:
Harvest Moon

The Moon made a fly in the sky.

Damn flies are everywhere nowadays.

"Is good to fly sky!" say Moon.

The Sun made a jealous at Moon's flying!

Jealous gained 4xp! Jealous is now a tangible object!

"I am jealous at Moons flying!" scream Sun!

Um... if the sun isn't in the sky then... oh fuck.

So Sun get telephone and made a ringing astronauts.

The sun attached bells to all the naughty astronauts so it would always know where they are.

Suddenly, Astronauts came at the moon and began to harvest at it's rocks!

"NO!" shout Moon, "My rockings!"

"Yes," say the Sun, "Now not of flyings, for a harvest of the Moon!"

What the fuck? Again, I'm not sure what is going on in this sentence...

The Moon made a sadly.



"Ha ha ha ha ha!" made a laughing Sun!

Is that what laughing is? Thanks for clearing that up Hans.

The Moon was annoy with Sun.

"I am annoy Sun!" and the Moon floats away from many Solar Systems.

Yeah we got it the first time. And... is moon supposed to be the plural of moons here? Or is every moon just a hologram of the one moon?

"Oh no!" say Astronauts, "There is no Moon for us to stand on!"

Um...

And the Astronauts fall into the Sun.

Which happened to be underneath the sun, and on Earth since it wasn't in the sky. That makes perfect sense.

"WHat this?" ask Earth, "You have made a killing of my citizens!"

I'm pretty sure it was the moon, but okay!

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" made a laughing Sun again!

Oh that silly sun, always laughing.

"What? Why do you say this things!" say an angry Earth, and it made a phoning Police and sent the Sun to jail.

But all the policemen burned because they got too close to the sun. So the Earth, having no one left but itself to blame for all its mistakes, imploded, thus, killing everyone.

Fic 2:

Carebears

The Carebears all made a caring.

Made a caring what? A caring rape?

"I make a caring!" say Carebears.

I've had just about enough of this shit. I got it the FIRST TIME!

Suddenly, the rain started to pour over the sunlight and a rainbow was created!

The one thing that actually makes sense.

"Ah, so creation the rainbow!" say Carebears, but then, they get idea!

They got a wonderfully awful idea.

The Carebears shall go up Rainbow and steal Leprechauns gold!

What is with the random capitalizations?

The Carebears ran up many rainbows.

Suddenly, they saw a gold!

Not like a pot of gold or anything. Just one gold.

"YOU SHALL NO BE GOLD STEALING!" say Leprechaun.

That leprechaun is kind of a dick.

"But we shall make a taking gold!" say Carebears, as they made towards many golds.

And oh what a great taking of gold it shall be!

"But I have one thing you do not possess," say Leprechaun, as he hold out three leaf clovers, "I HAVE THE GOOD LOOK!"

So three leaf clovers give you good looks, while the four leaf ones give you good luck. Got it.

The Leprechaun used his Irelands to danube the rain away.

Because there's totally more than one Ireland. And, other than a river, what the FUCK is a danube?!

"Without rain, no rainbow!" say Leprechaun, and the Rainbow started dissapear.

The Leprechaun got into his pot of gold and flew away in it as the Rainbow began it's goings.

"OH NO! NO RAINBOW TO STAND ON!" shout Carebears, as the Rainbow to make it's gone and they all fall to the ground.

Now, its been a while since I've seen Carebears, but don't they, like, live on fucking clouds? I'm pretty sure there'd be some rain clouds to land on.

Tune in next time for another thrilling installment of... whatever the fuck this shit is.

[Kuramastrassx3]

Aww, I thought that was the one where they went to harvest the moon. That one was good.

But I will say you somehow succeeded on mocking Hans. Good job.

This post has been edited by Kuramastrassx3: Jul 22 2010, 08:01 PM

[Ash]

Lol his fics are so bad that they make people laugh. I just want to rip my eyes out when I read them...

[Kuramastrassx3]

For the sake of my sanity, this is what I believe about Hans:

He started out writing legitly, though English isn't his first language. He just wanted to practice English by writing. He thought ff.net was a pretty popular place and he could get some feedback and help with his English, so he started writing fanfics.

He improved a little bit, but people kept laughing at his stuff and claiming he's a troll and all that. So even though he's in reality much better at English, he likes the attention his trollfics bring him, so he keeps writing them. And thus, Hans is a professional (and very determined) troll.

I mean, look at his first fic compared to the newest ones. I really hate to think he just stopped improving somehow.

So for my sanity, he's a troll. And a very funny one.

[Ash]

See that's what I thought too, but there's just so many fics... I just cant accept that someone wasted their life writing over 200 troll fics.

[Tiny J]

I... didn't think carebears * * could get any more terrifying...
And yet, I am proven horribly and hilariously wrong...

[Ash]

Oh J, you have yet to see a true Carebears fic. This was nothing

[Kuramastrassx3]

I can. The huge number is a bit mind-blowing at first, but I got there. I mean, most of them are short. If I got into the mindset of the troll style (to keep from killing myself as I typed like that), I could probably re-produce one of those in five or ten minutes.

My Immortal probably took longer than all of those combined.

So I think he does it for the popularity. Or the lulz. Either way, if he's a troll, those are valid enough reasons for him at least to not think it's a waste.

[Ash]

That's true, and its a horrible thing

[Tiny J]

Oh J, you have yet to see a true Carebears fic. This was nothing

Do you not see my location? "less terrifying parts"! I do not wish to know!

[Ash]

Oh I'll MAKE you know! Heh heh