 The Bad Jokes thread |
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| The Bad Jokes thread |
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#1
 Bitch_Please
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 Tactful as Sexual Intercourse.  Group: Members Posts: 1,291 Joined: 14-March 12 Member No.: 622 Gender: Male  |
 Jun 19 2012, 10:20 AM
Hello, i'm kinda bored so i decided to make this thread. Here you post any kind of random joke/reference/pun you hear and you think is worth sharing.
I'll start with one i kinda like: What is brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre This post has been edited by Bitch_Please: Jun 19 2012, 10:21 AM -------------------- QUOTE (Master of AFTER @ Jun 12 2011, 12:26 AM)  ( o ) ( o ) My contributions to this thread. |
  
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#2
 Paragon
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 Just floating through space Group: Members Posts: 672 Joined: 22-February 12 From: America Member No.: 612 Gender: Female |
Jun 19 2012, 10:24 AM
A friend of mine sent me an entire two pages of awful Helen Keller jokes...
Q: What did HK's parent's do to punish her? A1: Rearranged the furniture A2: Left the plunger in the toilet bowl A3: Put Saran Wrap on the toilet. A4: Put her in a round room and told her there's a penny in the corner A5: Washed her hands out with soap A6: Gave her bird-seed to read. A7: Glued doorknobs to the walls Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive a car? A1: She's a woman. A2: She's dead. Q: How did Helen Keller break her arm in the car? A: Trying to read stop signs. Q: How did HK get poke marks on her face? A: Learning to eat with a fork. Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? A. She needs the other to moan with. -------------------- -Mocks:
---Forbiden Fruit the Tempation of Edward Cullen (Complete): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 ---Passion Night: A Harry Potter Fanfic (Complete): 1 ---Chamber of Commerce, a HP/Eva crossover (Complete): 1, 2, 3 ---What Hurts the Most, a Hannah Montana fanfic (Complete): 1, 2, 3 ---Homestuck High (Hiatus): 1, 2, 3, 4 ---May and Caroline: A Pokemon Fanfic (in name only) (Complete): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ---A Guide to Lemon Writing: by Naruto's Brat (Complete): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ---Fallout: Equestria (Group Mock): Chapter 17 (Part 1 of 3), (2 of 3), (Final) ---End of the Road: by Naruto's Brat (Complete): 1, 2, 3 ---- Twi and Me: by Hotsauce (Complete): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 ---Dragons, Dragons, Dragons: a Fire Emblem Fanfic (Co-mock, in-progress): 1, 2, 3, 4 ----The Sleepover, A My Little Pony Fanfic (New, in-progress): 1 |
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#3
Yaoi Huntress Earth
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 A very wise and proud wolf.  Group: Moderators Posts: 7,855 Joined: 30-November 06 From: MO Member No.: 125 Gender: Female |
Jun 19 2012, 10:25 AM
What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep.
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#4
Dystopian God
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 I'm the fly in your soup, I'm the pebble in your shoe... Group: Members Posts: 430 Joined: 11-May 12 From: The beating heart of creation Member No.: 645 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 10:29 AM --------------------  When reason is gone, nothing is left but madness. |
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#5
Badass Overlord
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 First comes smiles, then lies. Last is gunfire. Group: Members Posts: 10,165 Joined: 10-September 08 From: Can'-Ka No Rey Member No.: 235 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 10:39 AM
Polish jokes!
How many Polaks does it take to change a light bulb? 3. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb and the other two to spin the chair. What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you? Take the pin out and throw it back. How do you stop a Polish army on horseback? Turn off the carousel. Why wasn't Christ born in Poland? Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin. How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving. These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?" The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow." The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?" --------------------  "The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.” There is only one god, and his name is Death. And there is only one thing we say to Death. "Not today." - Syrio Forel I am He who howls in the night; I am He who moans in the snow; I am He who hath never seen light; I am He who mounts from below. My car is the car of Death; My wings are the wings of dread; My breath is the north wind’s breath; My prey are the cold and the dead. - Psychopompos |
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#6
Soba
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 Super Highschool Level Alien Group: Members Posts: 3,230 Joined: 19-January 11 From: Hoelbrak Member No.: 429 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 10:41 AM
I read a great book on antigravity. I couldn't put it down.
--------------------  Lul. |
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#7
xoxjoanxox
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 WEELEE! Group: Members Posts: 3,399 Joined: 5-September 10 From: your pants. Member No.: 384 Gender: Female |
Jun 19 2012, 10:47 AM
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?
Michael Phelps could finish a race. im a terrible person omfg --------------------  ~Morning. |
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#8
Viashino_wizard
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 That's a Jimmybean! Group: Members Posts: 7,083 Joined: 21-July 08 From: Teufort Member No.: 222 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 10:56 AM
A man walks into a bar and says "Ouch."
-------------------- QUOTE (TigerEyes) Change is mandatory. It's progress that's optional. "Stories about ordinary people doing extraordinary things are very popular but I'm a fan of extraordinary people trying to do ordinary things" -Kelly Turnbull FOLLOW GRUNDY TWEETER, OR ELSE Let's Play Pokemon Blue Version: Hardcore (Canceled) |
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#9
Dystopian God
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I'm the fly in your soup, I'm the pebble in your shoe... Group: Members Posts: 430 Joined: 11-May 12 From: The beating heart of creation Member No.: 645 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 11:04 AM
puns puns puns!
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you? A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large. Two friends walk into a bar. The third friend ducked. An Eskimo in a kayak sees Kate stuck on an ice floe and picks her up. On the way back he finds Edith on another floe and pick her up too. Not surprisingly the kayak sank, proving once again you can't save your Kate and Edith too. -------------------- When reason is gone, nothing is left but madness. |
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#10
truthordeal
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 Hyper Member Group: Members Posts: 524 Joined: 14-April 12 Member No.: 631 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 11:27 AM
Two baby seals walked into a club.
Had their skulls been stronger, this joke would be longer. -------------------- Me: Cleverbot, tell me a story.
Cleverbot: Once upon a time, I am living. The end. Me: Greatest story ever told. |
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#11
Bitch_Please
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Tactful as Sexual Intercourse. Group: Members Posts: 1,291 Joined: 14-March 12 Member No.: 622 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 11:41 AM
What happens to a cannibal who is late for dinner? They get the cold shoulder.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them. -------------------- QUOTE (Master of AFTER @ Jun 12 2011, 12:26 AM) ( o ) ( o ) My contributions to this thread. |
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#12
Max-Vader
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 Killer Queen Group: Members Posts: 8,119 Joined: 23-August 09 From: The Fortress of Pornitude Member No.: 303 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 11:48 AM
A German, an Italian and a Turk are on a train. The Turk takes a bite from a gyro and throws the rest out the window. The other two ask "Why did you do that?!" and he answers "Oh, we've got enough of those".
The Italian drinks a sip of wine from a bottle and throws it out the window. The other two ask "Why did you do that?!" and he answers "Oh, we've got enough of those". Then the German takes the Turk and throws him out the window. The Italian asks "Why did you do that?!" and he answers "Oh, we've got enough of those". --------------------  TigerEyes: "No means yes and yes means anal." |
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#13
GFW
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 fuckin...dunno Group: Members Posts: 1,869 Joined: 14-March 08 From: United Kingdom Member No.: 196 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 11:57 AM
What's funny about 9/11?
Not a great deal. -------------------- QUOTE (Jackwc from BEA) People who film shit off tv screens should be put to death Best Ever Albums: The only decent music forum on the internet (probably) My shitty Tumblr. |
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#14
DraculaMarth
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 I know a thing or two about science Group: Members Posts: 1,414 Joined: 23-June 10 From: The ozarks of Southfield, MI Member No.: 348 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 12:00 PM
When a man talks dirty to a woman, what's it called?
Sexual Harassment When a woman talks dirty to a man, what's it called? $2.50 a minute -------------------- QUOTE (Dakari-King Mykan) No one sucks my cock, I forbid it! QUOTE (Howlitzer) He'll be missing a melon and a head when a nigga gets the munchies. Y'all white folks better hold me back |
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#15
JakAttack
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 Picker, Grinner, Lover, Sinner. Group: Members Posts: 860 Joined: 30-November 10 From: the creative minds that brought you "Spaceballs"... Member No.: 412 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 02:36 PM
Two drums and a cymbal walk off a cliff.
*ba-dum, tiss!* So one day I screwed in a lightbulb, and then I crossed the street, and then I walked in a bar, and I realized; My whole life is a joke! A Quarter was taken from his vending machine for a long day. When he returned, he was spent. Finally, a friend told me this one; A father walks into his son's room and says "Son, if you masturbate, you'll go blind." The son says "Dad, that's the hat rack." -------------------- You've heard of the Sierra Madre Casino. We all have, the legend, the curses. Some foolishness about it lying in the middle of a City of Dead. A city of Ghosts. Beneath a blood-red cloud...a bright, shining monument reaching out, luring treasure hunters to their doom. An illusion. A promise that you can change your fortunes. Begin again.
Finding it, though, that's not the hard part. It's letting go. QUOTE (Ryan King @ from "Go On") A player I don't care about on a team I really don't care about dropped a ball last night and I couldn't sleep. It's easy to care about things that matter - war, hunger, pestilence...is that a thing? Pestilence. Pestilence...pestilence. I see it as a triumph of the human spirit to be able to care so completely about something frivelous. |
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#16
Tonfa
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 ¿Tiene un problema, cabrón? Group: Members Posts: 2,817 Joined: 1-March 11 From: Maryland, USA Member No.: 445 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 02:43 PM
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together.
The both see a 7 year old boy playing off in the distance. The priest turns to the rabbi and says "Hey you see that kid? We should go fuck him." The rabbi turns to the priest and says: "Out of what?" -------------------- QUOTE (Shmeckie @ Sep 25 2011, 09:32 PM) If James Hetfield does a guest spot in My Little Pony I will eat my underwear. Live over Skype. "La forme est bien, je veux juste que le résultat soit ... très chouette. Faut que ce soit environ 20% plus chouette." Winner of the Cosplay Caption Contest #125, #130! |
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#17
SM2142
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 Mojave Wanderer Group: Members Posts: 508 Joined: 16-January 12 From: The Forgotten West Member No.: 582 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 03:35 PM
Bad New Vegas joke!
A man walks into the Ultra-Luxe and sits down for lunch. The waiter comes over and asks, "What can I get for you?" The man replies, "Do you serve gecko here?" The waiter says, "Certainly not! They'd try to eat our customers!" -------------------- All Roads Lead To New Vegas
Completed Mockeries: An Eternity Of Servitude, Night High, Care Bears Meet Digimon, Ascend Through Darkness, The Arctic Wolf, Better Living Through Science and Ponies, "Web Of Dimensions", Latex Lugia 2, Mass Effect 2: Wings of Liberty, Power Play, The Next Move, Into Darkness, Anxiety Ongoing Mocks: Fallout: Equestria: Operation Flankorage Co-Op Mockeries: The Furry's Revenge, I Must Scream *** *** *** Asterisks rescued from Flankorage fanfic, they live here now. |
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#18
Shmeckie
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 America's Sweetheart Group: Moderators Posts: 14,679 Joined: 25-July 05 Member No.: 18 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 04:30 PM
INCOMING RACIST BLACK JOKES!
One day, two black guys approach St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. St. Peter, not expecting them, thumbs through the list of people whose time has come, but cannot find the men on the list. So, St. Peter tells the two black men to wait while he goes to talk to God. So, St. Peter approached God and says "Father, there are two men here who seem to have arrived before their time. What do we do?" God replies, "Peter, they, too, are My children. Tell them they may enter." So Peter steps out of God's chambers. Moments later, he runs back in in a panic. "Father, they're gone!" "The black men?" "The Pearly Gates!" -------------------------------------------- Q: How do you get a bunch of black guys to stop raping a white woman? A: Throw them a basketball. -------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a black man and a pizza? A: A pizza can feed a family of four. -------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a black guy's eyes always red after sex? A: The mace G'night folks! This post has been edited by Shmeckie: Jun 19 2012, 04:30 PM --------------------  Why does everything in my life involve buttfucking?! ~Screaming Soulcatcher |
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#19
xoxjoanxox
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WEELEE! Group: Members Posts: 3,399 Joined: 5-September 10 From: your pants. Member No.: 384 Gender: Female |
Jun 19 2012, 04:42 PM
Fuck, now we need to balance that out with other racist jokes.
-------------------- ~Morning. |
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#20
DraculaMarth
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I know a thing or two about science Group: Members Posts: 1,414 Joined: 23-June 10 From: The ozarks of Southfield, MI Member No.: 348 Gender: Male |
Jun 19 2012, 04:46 PM QUOTE (xoxjoanxox @ Jun 19 2012, 08:42 PM) Fuck, now we need to balance that out with other racist jokes. I have some! I have some! Why is the steering wheel in a Mexican's car so small? So they can drive it with handcuffs on. Why do Mexicans drive Low-Riders? So they can pick lettuce while driving. If a Mexican and a black person are in a car, who's driving? A police officer -------------------- QUOTE (Dakari-King Mykan) No one sucks my cock, I forbid it! QUOTE (Howlitzer) He'll be missing a melon and a head when a nigga gets the munchies. Y'all white folks better hold me back |
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| Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 23rd May 2013 - 12:19 PM |
