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> Love and Lies, IE: How NOT to write Fire Emblem smut
Post #1

Shillin' Best Girl from Fire Emblem: Echoes

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Joined: 13-October 14
From: France
Member No.: 1,378
Gender: Male

post Feb 20 2017, 02:18 AM
You want to know what one of my favourite GBA games is? Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones.

You want to know who my favourite characters from that game are? Eirika and Tana.

You want to know if I find those two sexy, to the point where I start fantasising about them? Fuck yes!

You want to know if Eirika and Tana are my waifus? Yes, though Peri is still best girl.

You want to know what I DON’T like? Crappy authors who write poorly written sex scenes involving the two beauties of Magvel.

Yes that’s right, we’re delving into a poorly written Fire Emblem fic. And no, it wasn’t written by Fennikusumaru. I read his Sacred Stones fic, and I nearly died of pure, weapons grade weeaboo. So as a late celebration to Fire Emblem Heroes adding Eirika into the game, I’m going to mock a fic known as Love and Lies, written by an author known as 9393usak, with this being the only fic he’s written.

I know that I haven’t finished mocking the Masked Rider Roy fic, but considering what he did to my sweet little Chiaki, I needed to mock something else, in order to get my mind off it.

So with that out of the way, let’s get this show on the road!

Tana was above him, pumping. The friction alone was enough to make any normal man explode into quivering with ecstasy. She was wet, aroused, ready. She had gorgeous blue hair that fell around Ephraim's neck, glorious, pale breasts that shone with a sheen of excitement, sapphire blue eyes that could melt the sternest heart.

Oh boy…

*licks lips*

Do go on. I want to hear more about Tana’s magnificent figure.

Ephraim had always heard the eyes were the windows to the soul, and this held true for Tana as much as anyone. She was an ocean, generous in spirit, infinitely loving and startling in her depths, at once calm and passionate. Her hips undulated back and forth and her breathing, her whispered words of adoration, hitched and lovely and sensual and oh so close to the verge of coming, should have been enough to arouse a eunuch.

But Ephraim just wasn't feeling anything,

Wow Ephriam, you must be suffering from erectile dysfunction. Allow me to take proper care of Tana for you.

and hadn't for the last month they'd been dating. On this, the night of their hurried engagement, brought on mostly by Innes' and Eirika's announcement the day earlier, he was trying as hard as he'd ever had to become aroused by Tana. But it just wasn't working.

In desperation, he started trying to imagine that he was beneath other girls- maybe, if he fantasized hard enough, he could make himself come for her. He'd had a fleeting attraction for L'Arachel, with her cute, flowing, blonde, almost greenish locks, and earnest silver eyes, her assertion, and dedication to her goals- not to mention the adorable way she'd completely freaked out at him when he'd removed his armor to show her his battle scar.

Fuck L’Arachel!

Well you can, but don’t get to pissy with me if I get a bit, how you say, friendly with your sister.

There were times between them when Ephraim had been overcome with a nearly uncontrollable desire to push L'Arachel up a wall, to penetrate her with his fingers until she was wet and begging and undone, and then-

Ephraim was breathing hard now, and the vision of the things he would have done to L'Arachel- who cared who in the army would have seen them, let them pleasure themselves to the sight of the two of them going at it, for all he cared- nearly pushed him over the edge.

Don’t worry. I get rock hard whenever I imagine about Bigfoot watching me, while me and Chiaki have some fun together.

But then he remembered L'Arachel's stubbornness, her constant belief that she was superior to everything and everyone, her stupid need to always be right, to be proper, her endless chattering, and he remembered why L'Arachel wasn't the one rocking above him right now, infuriatingly attractive as he might find her to be.

God, but Tana's enduring, Ephraim thought, his mind wandering back to the present moment. He didn't know how long it had been since she had started, but she was biting her lip with the exertion of trying not to come, holding herself out until Ephraim came. She'd refused to come every night they'd had sex, claiming she couldn't enjoy it until Ephraim was there with her.

Well at least she’s polite when it comes to cumming.

He wanted so badly to come for her. His mind wandered back over all of his previous flings- of course he'd orgasmed before, no matter how much not being able to come for the goddess above him threatened to convince him he wasn't heterosexual after all- but although all of his previous women had been gorgeous, they'd also been empty or shrewish or he'd just inexplicably been unable to connect with them.

Hiring dozens of prostitutes tends to do that to you.

Ephraim had just started to wonder whether he had an actual medical problem when Tana's features blurred. Her hair became a lighter blue, her eyes more piercing. Even her legs seemed to become a little slimmer, her kisses on his neck a little softer. Ephraim couldn't pinpoint the features, but he could feel his body reacting to it, suddenly exploding in response to Tana's body. He'd never had such an intense orgasm before. His fingers fisted desperately around Tana's hair as he rocked back and forth, unable to control the seed that exploded inside her.

Oh, it’s one of those fics.

The fabled Eirika x Ephraim love that certain Fire Emblem fans adore.


Tana came in what must have been a microsecond later.

"Yes, yes, Ephraim- ohh my god, yes!"

Ephraim managed to pass off his derisive snicker at Tana's obviously exaggerated response as a cough.

She spent several minutes laying on top of Ephraim's chest, obviously exhausted from her exertion, but Ephraim didn't mind. He was too busy recovering from his own experience.

What the hell had that been, anyway?

An orgasm?

It felt like both an eternity and way too short a time when Tana finally spoke to him again.

"Ephraim, that was- I don't have words for how amazing that was. I've never felt that way with anyone in my entire life." She blushed.

Don’t worry sweetie, I bet my life savings that I’ll make you feel ten times better than Ephraim can.

"And it's not like I'm inexperienced," she said shyly.

There were many things he could have said next, had he stopped to think about it. But about twenty seconds later, Ephraim would come to realize that he chose possibly the worst words he could have possibly said.

"I don't love you."

“My love for my sister transcends about everything else!”

Since this chapter was less than a thousand words, I’ll mock the second chapter alongside it.

Ephraim watched from his castle room window as Innes rode away into the moonlit night.

And we start off with the implication that Innes is a peeping-tom. Lovely.

Innes had very particular habits; he would ride off on horseback, silver bow strapped to his back, precisely at midnight, and return with a deer carcass or several birds a couple of hours later, delivering them to the castle cooks to be prepared for a meal the next day. Innes slept biphasically, going to bed around nine, waking up for his two hour hunt, and then arising at eight o' clock the next morning.

I thought this was an Eirika x Ephraim fic, why are we getting Innes’ life story all of a sudden?

Ephraim had hoped that Innes' and Eirika's relationship would be a short-lived affair. It wasn't that he didn't like Innes- okay, that might have been part of it. Ephraim trusted Innes and respected him, but the man could be stubborn and prideful and possessive- qualities he didn't necessarily want for Eirika's suitor. And the way she'd told him that Innes had 'courted' her- well, it was just plain unacceptable in his book. The strange way he'd decided to protect her (which wasn't a bad idea, Ephraim supposed), the misplaced jealousy he'd felt for Ephraim, and ultimately his odd possession of Eirika that couldn't really be summarized in any other words other than his own.

What was it again? Ephraim mused over the conversation in his head, trying to remember it word-for-word as Eirika had related it to him. Ah, yes…

"Eirika, it seems I have fallen in love with you… I could not bear to see you in the arms of another."

I smell Innes bashing on the horizon…

And then his strange way of bringing Ephraim into the conversation, saying, "With a man like him around, I can see why you show no interest in suitors. If I prove myself his superior, you will surely accept my hand. If I fail, I release any claim to your affection. But I swear it on the depth of my love that I will destroy that man. Eirika, I will expect your answer then. That's all I have to say."

That was it. No chance for Eirika to respond to how she actually felt about the situation, and an apparent offer to "destroy" Ephraim, whatever that meant.

Yes, thought Ephraim, Surely this is the way to a girl's heart. Right, Innes.

Didn’t you know that? Obliterating a woman’s brother is a sure-fire way to win her heart.

Eirika apparently just had terrible taste in men. Not that she really seemed to notice them, not before Innes blatantly stated his feelings to her, anyway. Seth had finally given up on trying to pursue her, after following after her with a kind of puppy-dog love, hoping she would somehow read his mind… but Eirika was denser about determining who had feelings for her than most men were. Secretly, Ephraim would have probably approved of their dating, if Seth had just had the balls to ask his sister out. But he was too committed to his duty to follow his heart, and any man who would place something so inconsequential above Eirika just wasn't worthy to date her.

Of course, to be fair to Eirika's obliviousness, Ephraim hadn't noticed the depth of Lyon's affection until his possession by the Demon King, though they were really only children at the time and love was the furthest thing from Ephraim's mind.

I just realized that several characters in the game had the hots for Eirika. Innes, Lyon, Seth, Valter.

All of them are inferior to me, however.

At one time, he would have considered Lyon to be the perfect suitor for Eirika- gentle, intelligent, even capable of protecting her, even if he wasn't as physically strong as Ephraim was. But Lyon had made some terrible choices and tragic mistakes.

Even thinking about Lyon still hurt, and sometimes in the middle of the night, when Ephraim would awake from a dream in which Lyon was still alive, he was surprised to find tears well up in his eyes when he realized it wasn't true. He had been such a good friend, had had such potential. But he'd harbored jealousy and unspoken love, had made choices that wise advisors could have warned him against, had tried to do the impossible in resurrecting the dead. He'd made fatal mistakes that had some perhaps undeserved consequences, but he'd been responsible for the choices that had ruined him.

Getting blue-balled tends to do that to you.

Eirika had never noticed the affections of these two men, nor the affections of countless other, far less worthy, suitors.

He especially hated that kid who was obsessed with Kamen Rider. His name was Kurugama…or something like that.

But then again, thought Ephraim, flinching, perhaps I'm not the best person to be giving romantic advice at the moment.

He fingered the engagement ring he still hadn't had the heart to take off as his mind flashed back to the uncomfortable conversation with Tana that had ensued after his stupid words.

"You don't love me? Ephraim, that's a terrible joke to be making right now." She was still smiling though, thinking he was teasing her.

Ephraim needs to work on his pillow talk.

It would have been so easy to take it back, but for some reason he couldn't.

"It wasn't a joke."

"Ephraim, what?" She sounded confused. "Is there- is there someone else?"

Yes, but I don't even know who. I don't even know if she's real…

"No," he lied. "I just- I just realized I was using you. I- was a little- lusty, I guess…"

"That's alright." Tana sighed in relief. "I don't mind being used," she said coyly.

What the hell? What kind of low self-esteem does this girl have?

Jesus Christ Ephraim! Did you really break her self-esteem?!

Fact of the day: Ephraim is the first member of Magvelian royalty, to admit to going onto ReturnofKings.com

"Tana, you don't understand. There isn't anyone else, but I'm hoping someday there might be. And on that day, it might be a little awkward if I have to introduce her to my mistress."

"Your mistress." Ephraim hadn't been aware that Tana was capable of such coldness in her voice. "I see."

"I'm doing this because I respect you, Tana."

Respect her? You treated her like your cum-dumpster, you bastard!

Because it's easier for me to do this now than a year from now. Because that isn't fair, and no matter how much I'm botching this breakup, it's kinder to do it now.

"Get out." She was already off the bed and getting dressed. "Get your clothes, get your things-" she removed her ring and flung it at him- "and leave. We're both going to Eirika's and Innes' wedding, and then that's it, we're done, I'm going back to Frelia. I don't want to ruin the wedding, so I'll keep quiet about this until then. Maybe after the wedding too. Maybe I'll just make up some bogus excuse for why we broke up- it's not like Innes and I are close enough for me to tell him that we broke up because you thought I was your mistress. Actually, I'm not sure I'm close enough to anyone to tell them that.

'I thought I was close with you, but apparently you don't feel the same way. God, you and Innes- the two of you are so alike. So out of touch with your feelings, so competitive and possessive. Maybe I should have taken those things as warning signs.

That’s it Tana. You punish that no good Ephraim.

I knew they were there all along… well, have fun with the next girl you decide to make your whore until you finally grow a conscience. I hope that eventually you do find a way to feel something for someone."

Ephraim let her ramble on without stopping her as he collected the ring and got dressed. It was too late to save the relationship, even if he'd wanted to, and she needed the catharsis.

Apparently she'd decided he was taking too long to leave, and started leaving the room herself.

He couldn't resist calling after her. He wasn't soulless, he still cared about her as a human being, after all…


She turned around, tears welling up in her eyes.

"You know, I invested years in you. And you paid more attention to my brother than you did to me. If that poor sod you have for a sister wasn't marrying him, I'd tell you to go after him myself."

"Tana, I-"

"Don't. There's nothing you can say to make this better."

This time, he'd let her walk off, still holding her ring in his hand.

Oh no, Tana’s relationship with Ephraim is over…

Hey Tana, want to hang out with me? I’m free tomorrow.

His mind returned to the present as he took off his own ring and placed it next to hers on the top of his dresser.

He flung himself down on his bed.

Gods, how has my life become so confusing?

He was still having trouble remembering how it all started. Of course; he had started fantasizing about that mysterious blue-haired girl with the piercing eyes. He had to know who it was. He had to find her, if she even existed.

Was it one of the village girls, perhaps? Another one of the Pegasus knights? He frowned. It seemed unlikely; although you'd occasionally meet townspeople with blue hair, it mostly managed to stay within the royal families.

Chrom and Lucina have blue hair. Maybe you were fantasising about one of them.

And besides the Frelian royalty, they really hadn't interacted much with other houses, apart from Lyon's…

Well, he thought, fleetingly, there's always Eirika…

He gasped suddenly at the realization.

No, it hadn't been Eirika exactly, but more of a conception of her as she would probably be in a few years. As if she'd been a hero, immortalized for the ages, almost ghost-like in her appearance. Rid of all the silly childish features that defined her face now. In a few years, Ephraim realized, Eirika would no longer be a child- she'd be a full-grown woman.

But that doesn't make any sense, Ephraim thought. It still doesn't explain why…

Why you'd be attracted to her? The other, less conscious, half of his mind joined in the conversation, filling in the blanks that were too horrifying for him to admit even in the safety of his own thoughts.

Because incest is wincest!

I'm not attracted to her, there- there has to be a reasonable explanation. Maybe I'm not spending enough time with her. Maybe I'm attracted to the strong young woman she's becoming. Maybe my mind was showing me that Tana just wasn't good enough for me, that there are better women than her out there. That the kind of person I want to marry is just the kind of amazing person my sister will become.

People marry others who are like their parents and siblings all the time. Tana tried to date me, even though she could see Innes in me. Is that really such a crime? It's not wrong at all.

You're rationalizing. It still doesn't explain why you were attracted to your sister, the other half of his mind whispered.

Ephraim gazed outside. His eyes wandered across the black sea and toward the impenetrable forest.

It would be so easy to go to Eirika's room now. Innes wouldn't be back for hours. Just seeing his sister would, as it always did, calm the raging battles in his mind.

You better not pull a Shinji and start masturbating over her sleeping body.

But he couldn't go see her, not like this. Not while this strange desire coursed through him. Maybe never again.

Don't be melodramatic. Just seeing her won't hurt. She's your sister. She needs you. You can't just abandon her.

They were just excuses, Ephraim knew. Tonight, he was strong enough to resist.

But perhaps another night, he wouldn't be.

Well we’re already halfway done in this tale of royal incest, before Fates made it cool. Will Ephraim succumb to his desires? Will Innes catch the two in the act, after his nightly ritual of drowning puppies? Will Tana x GorillaGamer be a legitimate pairing?

Find out in the next installment of Love and Lies!

List of mocks can be found here: Here

QUOTE (AnItalianGuy @ May 27 2016, 02:03 AM) *
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
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Post #2

Shillin' Best Girl from Fire Emblem: Echoes

Group: Members
Posts: 567
Joined: 13-October 14
From: France
Member No.: 1,378
Gender: Male

post Feb 23 2017, 06:31 PM
When we last left off, Ephraim got dumped by Tana, allowing me to make a move one her. Now, we’ll see our intrepid hero attempt to control is urges…while all the usual clichés of an Eirika x Ephraim fic rear their ugly heads.

It was a fortnight before Ephraim gave in to the overwhelming desire to see Eirika once more. He'd avoided her at mealtimes, and took a leaf from Innes' book, retreating to the forest to hunt game endlessly during the day, and claiming utter exhaustion at night.

Bullshit, you were just EXP grinding bandits and monsters, weren’t you?

From the brief glances he caught of Eirika's face, he could tell that she was hurt by his absence, but the truth, he thought, would hurt much more.

He watched Innes ride out at precisely the stroke of midnight and padded through the quiet hallway. He opened Eirika's door carefully. It made a slight creaking sound, but otherwise did not complain.

His sister was sleeping soundly. Snoring, in fact. Ephraim barely managed to suppress a laugh as he slipped inside and gently shut the door.

Eirika's snoring was a sort of inside joke. Close as they might have seemed, the twins actually spent little time together as children. Before the age of twelve, they'd only really seen each other a few days a year.

The few nights they spent together were some of the happiest Ephraim remembered.

You mean to say that the young Eirika and Ephraim fiddled each other, while THEY WERE KIDS?!

He only really felt at peace when Eirika was snoring next to him, although, of course, he teased her incessantly about how despite her many years of training as the perfect princess, she still sounded like a little piggy when she slept.

He smiled, remembering all of Eirika's little quirks, wondering if she still had a tendency to steal the covers, wondering if Innes was as secretly delighted as Ephraim used to be at the little slobs of drool his mortified sister would wake up to.

Ahhh…clearly she must have been dreaming about me.

He strode across the room to her bed, where his sister's teal-colored hair lay awash in moonlight, and peered curiously over her head. Yep. Shestill hadn't managed to outgrow the little streams of drool, as evidenced by the fresh puddle by her head.

Given recent events, Ephraim would have expected this midnight visitation to be more of a struggle, but for now at least, it seemed that just seeing his sister was enough. Perhaps all he really needed was a reassurance that nothing really changed. Eirika was still a strong, capable, graceful princess who just happened to drool on pillows, and Ephraim was still a hopelessly doting incestuous brother. He smiled at the thought, and stopped to stroke Eirika's hair, comforted by the thought that theirs seemed to be a perfectly normal relationship after all.

Buh-buh-buh-but what about the Innes bashing? You can’t have an Eirika x Ephraim fic without Innes bashing!

He made his way across the moonlit room, heading for the corridor. He had just touched the door handle when Eirika's piercing scream stopped him in his tracks.

Ephraim only had time to freeze for a few seconds, but it was long enough for a million thoughts to run coursing through his head.

Why did she scream? Did she see me? Does she know? She can't possibly know, but what excuse do I have for being in her room?

"NO! LYON! We can't kill him, we have to save him… Ephraim, Ephraim, don't you understand?"

“We can’t let him die with blue balls!”

Confusion and shock surged through Ephraim's mind.

Lyon? She was still grieving for Lyon?

Of course she is, he realized. His death only happened two months ago…

‘I still remember that crazy party we had after the war. Boy, was Joshua drinking like crazy!’

He barely had time to process before his sister's screams pierced the night air again…

"Lyon, you have to stop this! You can save yourself, I know you still can! Here, take this stone, it isn't worth anything if we have to lose you to save it… N-no, give him back! GIVE LYON BACK, YOU BASTARD! NO! SETH, STAY AWAY! HE HAS TO PAY! THAT DEMON HAS TO PAY FOR WHAT HE DID TO LYON! I'LL TEAR HIM APART WITH MY OWN HANDS IF I HAVE TO!"

Good grief, thought Ephraim. Does she do this every night?

Oh…she has night terrors about failing to save Lyon.

Surely I can still make things work.

And what the hell am I supposed to do about it?

"I- I can't kill him, brother. I can't kill my own friend… Gods, why do you ask this of me? To deliver the killing blow…"

And then Eirika started sobbing uncontrollably. "Lyon, no, y-you can't die… N-not when I haven't even gotten the chance to say that I love you too…"

We found it everyone! Conclusive proof that Eirika x Lyon is canon! Take that you incest-obsessed shippers!

Wait…that also throws a wrench in my Eirika x Tana pairing.

Ephraim could no longer stand passively and watch as his sister's body was racked with sobs. His legs seemed driven by something more basic than gravity or magnetism. His soul was drawn to hers with magic more potent than Elfire, more focused than Excalibur, more electrifying than Lightning.

And before he knew it, he was laying next to her on the bed, curled up next to her, stroking her hair, burying his head- and his own tears- in its warm fragrance.

Those warm, tasty tears…

Wait, that’s starting to reach into uncomfortable territory.

After a few minutes he spoke:

"Shhh, shhh, Eirika, it's okay…"

Even after years of practice, with him and Innes having constant contests to see who could imitate the other better- Innes had become obsessed with the idea that perhaps, if they got good enough at imitating each other, they could perhaps swap thrones for a few years at a time- Ephraim was surprised at how much he was able to make himself sound like the archer.

"Innes?" Eirika said quietly, and- Ephraim thought- a little fearfully. "Innes, I'm sorry…"

"Sorry for what, Eirika? What could you possibly have to be sorry for?"

"Sorry for disturbing my lord's sleep, for rambling on about a traitor to the throne…"

“And especially for the time I gave my Sacred Stone to Lyon. Seriously, how was I supposed to know he would manipulate me like that?”

"Eirika…" Ephraim stroked his sister's face absentmindedly, and she cried out.

He froze again. Has she seen me? No, it's too dark…

"What's the matter?"

"F-forgive me my lord, it's just that my face is a little tender from your j-just discipline the other night…"

Discipline? What the hell?

Ephraim pulled his sister's hair back from where she'd cried out a few seconds earlier and just managed to keep himself from crying out in indignation as the light revealed a large, shiny bruise just above her cheek. He could feel powder around the bruise; his sister had obviously tried to conceal it during the day.

And there you have it; the main cliché of Eirika x Ephraim fics, the abusive Innes. Fans of the shipping are determined to depict Innes as some evil, abusive jerk, just so their OTP can shine through, like the truest love there is. It’s like how Ron gets demonised in Harry x Hermione fics. I’ll grant the author the fact that Innes can be a bit of a jerk at times, but I seriously doubt that he would become a wife-beater.

Anger bubbled up inside him. Screw all the contests they'd had when they were young, those were child's play… this was his sister and Innes would pay for this…

Eirika apparently misinterpreted the stiffening of Ephraim's muscles as anger towards her, because she quickly tried to salvage the situation.

"I know my lord didn't mean to hurt me, that it was an accident…"

Accident my ass, Ephraim thought angrily.

"I didn't talk to anyone about the situation, and, as you may have noticed, I covered it up quite nicely…"

You shouldn't have to cover up a bruise, Eirika. Can't you see how wrong this is?

If this fic was a PSA to put a stop to Violence against Women, then I’ll politely applaud the author for trying to get the message across…right before I beat in his skull for using domestic abuse as a tool to support his incestuous fantasies.

Ephraim focused on keeping his voice steady. "No matter," he said.

"But it does matter, Innes! I've been keeping you up at night, every night, without fail, with my wretched screaming. W-we can't go on like this, eventually you'll decide to leave me and I'll be all alone-"

Even though it seemed out of character, Ephraim decided to risk it. "No, Eirika. You'll never be alone. I'll always be here for you."

"T-thank you," Eirika said, tears running down her cheeks, "My lord is so generous…"

Your lord's going to end up in a ditch if I have anything to say about it… He shook the sudden visions of violence from his mind.

Coming up on Unsolved Mysteries, who killed Prince Innes of Frelia, and dumped his body in a ditch? Followed up by the hit documentary, Necromancy: Is it worth it?

No, pull yourself together, Ephraim…

"Not at all, Eirika. Now, try and get some rest. Put these visions of Lyon out of your mind," he said, in what he hoped was a convincingly commanding tone. He estimated that Innes had only been gone an hour, so he wouldn't be back for at least another hour, but it was better to be safe than sorry…

Tears continued to flow down Eirika's face. "I… I'll try, Innes… I just… miss him so much. He was such a… good friend."

He was more than that to you, Eirika. You loved him, and I wish more than anything else that I could weep with you right now.

Ephraim's stomach suddenly growled conveniently, and Eirika giggled.

"Perhaps my lord needs to visit the kitchens?"

Good, he can cook me something. I’m as hungry as a horse.

"Perhaps so," Ephraim said. "Might as well put all that hunting to good use."

"Oh? What did you catch?"

"Oh, you know," Ephraim said vaguely. "This and that. You'll find out at tomorrow's dinner." He paused. "Well, I'd better be off then."

TOMORROW?! I can’t wait that long for food!

"Wait. Innes, you've barely touched me since our engagement, or… ever, really. Do you think you could-" She paused, and the seconds that ticked by seemed like an eternity to Ephraim- "Could I have a kiss?"

Ephraim hesitated, but he was too far in the act now to begrudge such a simple request. "Of course, darling. But you must promise me as soon as I'm out of bed that you'll close your eyes and go back to sleep."

"Yes," said Eirika, eagerly.

Ephraim's heart seemed to beat at a million miles an hour. Would she see him? Would she recognize him?

No matter. He was all in now.

His hand curled around the back of her neck as he kissed her, slowly and reluctantly at first, but Eirika quickly deepened the kiss, pulling his lower lip into her mouth. There was just a little bit of bite, a little bit of tongue, a little bit of longing and wanting and desperation. Her mouth tasted of fire and passion and forbidden fruit.

The author was vigorously rubbing his penis, while watching the scene from the shadows.

When Ephraim finally broke away, several minutes later, they were both breathless.

"Oh, come on Innes, you're not going to leave a girl with just that, are you?" Eirika's voice was a low growl. "You know I'm not going to be able to sleep after that kiss. You're not going to make me finish by myself, are you?"

Ephraim thought of how easy it would be to make her regret those words, to pleasure her so deeply she'd be ruined for other men.

I doubt anything you could do would ruin her for me.

He thought of how much he wanted to kiss her neck, and other places, thought about just how wet and aroused she surely must be, if his own state was anything to go by, thought about just how much he could make her beg for release.

He shook those thoughts quickly out of his head. This was his sister, damn it, and the real Innes would be returning soon.

His mustache freshly waxed from his midnight outing.

"Perhaps later, Eirika. Anticipation is the key to pleasure, after all. Remember what you promised, now- close your eyes and go to sleep."

Eirika did indeed have her eyes closed as Ephraim crawled out of the bed. But he knew from years of sleeping at her side that Eirika's naturalbreathing patterns weren't quite so strenuous and hitched.

Ephraim took a little longer than necessary to get to the door and even stood outside for a minute as he listened to her climax with heavy, lovely, ragged breaths.

He had just barely managed to reach his own bedroom when his own need called out to him.

It didn't take him long to finish. What he felt might take a little longer to dissipate was a pervasive feeling that he, Ephraim, Crown Prince and Lord of Renais, was almost certainly going to end up in hell.

If getting a hard on over Eirika is a one-way trip to Hell, then I say bring it on!

The author goes on to debate on how abusive they want to depict Innes, as well as complaining that Eirika x Ephraim needs more love. Bitch, Eirika x Ephraim already gets more than enough love. Where’s this amount of support for Eirika x Tana?!

…I can’t keep doing this. I need to find a way to get rid of my pent up stress. I’ll see you all next time, where we’ll mock the final chapter of this story.

List of mocks can be found here: Here

QUOTE (AnItalianGuy @ May 27 2016, 02:03 AM) *
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
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Post #3

Shillin' Best Girl from Fire Emblem: Echoes

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post Feb 26 2017, 11:28 PM
Welp, here we are. The last chapter of Love and Lies. I’ll be the first to admit that this hasn’t been one of my better mocks, as there hasn’t been that much content for me to mock. Don’t worry though, the next time I do a little mini-mock, it’ll be much better than this one.

So without further ado, let’s finish this fic for good!

A month after that first visit to Eirika's room, the movements had become almost routine. The first time had been careless and clumsy, but with a little help from Knoll, who had proven himself a willing and unquestioning servant, Ephraim had perfected the art of subterfuge down to a tee.

Knoll had prepared a potion that, with a few drops of saliva collected once a week from one of Innes' forgotten dinner utensils, would perfectly mask Ephraim's voice with no effort from him whatsoever. Prodded by a little white lie about Ephraim's worries concerning spies that were tortured out of important national secrets, Knoll also created a bracelet that created a sort of perception filter around events that occurred while wearing it. While the wearer of the bracelet would be able to remember everything that occurred during its use, they wouldn't be able to talk about it once it was removed. Thus, while Eirika would be able to remember everything that happened during her late night visits with Ephraim, there was no risk of her spilling the secrets to Innes.

Fire Emblem: The Sacred Bracelet of Bullshit.

Ephraim thought of the bracelet as a sort of Ring of Gyges. It allowed him to become invisible at will, to commit victimless crime. After all, he reasoned, he hadn't taken away Eirika's free will, not really. He never did anything she didn't specifically ask for, other than be there for her during her screams in the night.

He simply held her, calmed her, wrapped a silk blindfold around her head to protect her from the truth, and kissed her every time she asked. She never asked for anything more, and the raging need inside him had subsided.

This was all he needed after all, then. To be there for her when she needed him, to subject himself to her every whim, to love her as no one else was capable of loving her.

There was this guy, his name was Innes. What ever happened to him? As a matter of fact, what happened to Tana as well? Or the scheduled wedding between Eirika and Innes? Did the author just forget one of this stories major plot points?!

Quiet the storm inside Eirika, and the torrent inside Ephraim also went away.

But tonight, as he kissed Eirika, she once more deepened their kiss, pulling, sucking his lips in with her teeth. She threaded her hands in his hair, tugging at it gently, and once again the familiar fire leapt inside his abdomen just as fiercely as it had the month before.

Impure thoughts flooded his mind and he tried to chase them away as he pulled out of the kiss.

Much like how impure thoughts flood the mind of the author.

"Ahhh- Eirika…"

She sighed in evident frustration. "What is it, Innes? I've tried to understand. I've been patient- I've taken care of my own needs for a month now. Can't you see how much I've wanted you? I mean, for god's sakes, our wedding is in six months."

Oh…I may have spoken a bit too soon in regards to the wedding. Still doesn’t answer the other questions I have.

Her voice became quiet, reflective. "Is that it? Are you wanting to save yourself until after the wedding? I mean, we could always push it up if you wanted…"

"God, no." That was the last thing he needed. "It's just…"

"It's just what, Innes?"

"I- I don't know how to explain…"

That much, at least, was true.

"Is it that you don't feel worthy of my love? Is this about the bruise you gave me a month ago?"

Ephraim remained quiet, letting her draw her own conclusions.

She sighed. "So that's what it is. Well, you've more than made up for it. Innes… after the war, I was so alone, and I thought you'd never see… I thought I'd never be able to share my feelings with anyone… but then you noticed. And since then, you've been there with me every step of the way."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we start the sibling fucking now? I’ll take anything over this drivelling boredom.


"Shhh… Innes. No more cuddling, no more chaste kisses. I'm not a child anymore. I've grown up these past few months, haven't you noticed? I'm not some innocent flower anymore."

That's certainly true. I'll never be able to think of you as an innocent flower ever again, Ephraim thought. Whatever gave anyone that idea in the first place is beyond me.

Mate, no one’s an innocent flower in the world of fanfiction.

"Innes, are you listening?" She paused. "Lost in your own thoughts again, I see. Well, then, let me make this plain for you."

She tugged his face down and pulled him into what was certainly not a chaste kiss. Her tongue was rough in his mouth, like sandpaper, her bites hard and insistent, and she tasted like perfection and desire.

The exact moment it happened was impossible to determine, but her mouth was suddenly trailing down his neck. Ephraim couldn't help the moans that were escaping out of his mouth. The kisses she gave became increasingly less chaste; she sucked and licked and bit- and gods help him, the bites were the best part. The feeling of her tongue on his neck was foreplay and each bite was a thrust.

He gets off on getting bitten…

Guess we can add ‘getting eaten by zombies’, on the authors list of fetishes.

He could feel himself getting hard as she continued down, as she teased open the buttons on his shirt, as she circled around his nipples with her tongue, nibbling ever so gently.

He gave an audible sigh as she apparently decided to start working upwards again instead of down- the further down she'd gotten, the better it felt- but his sigh was soon stifled by Eirika's sudden, swift movements.

She heaved him off her chest and crawled back on top of him with ease, as if he were as light as a feather. Suddenly, Ephraim didn't care that her mouth was back on his neck- he was instead focused on the feeling of her body against his. The grinding of her slender form against his, combined with the biting and licking of her tongue on his neck, brought him to the edge. His breaths deepened, his pulse quickened-

And then he was crying out in frustration, because she had stopped grinding at the exact moment that he was about to find release.

Eirika must have realized that she was grinding up against her brother, and proceeded to scold him for getting off to his own sister.

"Shh, darling," Eirika whispered, "Wasn't it you who was saying anticipation is the key to pleasure?"

Ephraim didn't have time to stay angry for long, because once again, Eirika was working her way downward, stopping to swirl that ridiculously agile tongue of hers around his navel-

And then all rational thought processes ceased as she tugged his robe away and shoved his pants past his hips, as she felt him through the layer of remaining cloth, as if she didn't already know damn well that he was already rock hard…

She shoved away the extra cloth and kissed his navel, and started licking and-

God, oh god.

Oh God indeed; he’s not too happy with what he’s seeing right now.

His head tossed back on the pillow, he no longer cared to watch, couldn't, had lost all semblance of motor control, because she was there, she was licking and kissing her way down to the bottom of his shaft and suddenly she was taking his member deep into her mouth…

He could feel her tongue swirling all around, his breaths deepened, he was nearly there-

She was massaging his balls with one hand and pumping the small area of his shaft her mouth couldn't reach, and his body was starting to buckle uncontrollably. Her mouth rubbed back and forth on his member, creating a friction he simply couldn't resist.

"Oh, god, Eirika…" He didn't know what his hands were doing anymore, as they fisted desperately in her hair, because he needed an anchor to the real world because otherwise soon the real world wouldn't be there…

I get where you’re coming from, but you don’t need to fist your sister’s hair. That’s an even freakier level of fetish right there.

The buckling continued as he continued to last longer than he ever thought possible, because she was teasing his cock, bringing him to the edge and then keeping him from coming. He didn't know how much longer he could take it without exploding.

And then Eirika started to hum and moan and he could tell how much she enjoyed the taste of him and-


He cried out loud, hard, unashamedly, as his seed exploded into Eirika's mouth. He felt as though he were coming a thousand times,

A thousand times?! Jesus Christ on a pogo-stick, Ephraim must be a withered husk after all that cumming!

as if every orgasm before this one had been preparation for this moment, and in comparison he felt certain that he'd never really come before in his life.

The seed kept spilling, as though it had been repressed inside him for years, to the point where he was almost worried he would dry up.

And then his body collapsed, exhausted, spent, and he tried to catch his breath, feeling as though he'd just been jolted back to life and was now tasked with the unreasonable demands of having to keep breathing.

He could hear the sound of Eirika swallowing, a sound which both disgusted and fascinated him at the same time.

Same here; what is it with fanfic authors, and the desire to have women consume their lover’s semen?!

She crawled up on his chest and kissed him long and hard.

"There, that wasn't so bad, was it?" she said.

He shook his head vigorously enough that he was sure she could feel it without having to take off the blindfold.

She smiled, satisfied.

"I thought so. Well then, I'd say it's your turn to go down on me."

Yep, that’s how it ends. With Ephraim getting a blowjob from his sister.

The author goes on to say that their fic has the honour of being the first result in Google Search, should one type up Eirika/Ephraim smut. Ok, whatever makes you happy, I guess. They also go on to say that every time someone reads this story, and fails to leave a review, a puppy ends up dying. By that logic, this mock must be the equivalent of a puppy genocide. At least I can rest easy, knowing that I’ll be able to escape shitty fanfics like this in Hell.

Until next time everyone.

List of mocks can be found here: Here

QUOTE (AnItalianGuy @ May 27 2016, 02:03 AM) *
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 21st August 2017 - 11:33 AM