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> The human with a gem, Apparently a show about sentient rocks needed to be more edgy
Post #1

Critically Sarcastic

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post Feb 27 2017, 05:19 PM
I’m taking a bit of a break from my main mocking project, so let’s see what other kinds of crazy there is to find out there. Now, Steven Universe is one of my favorite shows, and I’m not above poking fun at it, unlike certain parts of the fandom, so hopefully this fanfic here should provide some entertaining mocking. This is The human with a gem, by chimchar14. As far as I’ve gleaned, it’s about an OC who slips into the show’s plot by getting rocks implanted in his body. It doesn’t help that the writing is trying to be grittier than sandpaper, so I think I’m going to have fun with this one. Let’s just get to it. Enjoy.

Chapter 1: A beginning

This is a story of becoming more.

Should I check off weight gain fetish on my list, or am I being too hasty?

A boy wished to be more than just a simple human, he strived toward being something greater. His young mind though could not understand the limits of his body.

Well, what kid hasn’t tried eating two pounds of gummy worms in one sitting?

Every day he would try to become stronger, smarter, faster, an attempt to become beyond what is natural.

Okay, fine, so the kid is trying to become super human. Why? What is his motivation? Is it to eat gummy worms?

Unfortunately, his efforts were futile, the words of the doubters corrupted his mind, and forced him to relinquish his plan and just become a part of the regular human cycle. He did his work with no passion, his heart beating at a slow rhythm as he wished for more than just a dull world to live in.

I don’t usually recommend this but, holy shit, kid, you need to do some drugs.

At the age of 18 he finally abandoned his home and went to explore the world, hoping to find grand adventures...yet all he find was a world of despair and sickness. With his own two eyes he saw the horrific truth of what the world truly is, a barren wasteland filled with pain and suffering.

Oh, come now, Jersey isn’t that bad.

He contemplated about his life, standing on the edge of a cliff, looking at the blue ocean, hearing the waves crash against the cliffside. Just before he could take one more step to end it all...he heard someone yell at him to stop.

He had better stop – the amount of angst is starting to annoy me.

The young man looked behind him yet saw nobody. He believed what he heard was a work of his dulled imagination, but no matter what it was, it convinced him to step away, and try to return home.

Oh. Okay. Trapped in existential despair, realizing he’ll never achieve his dream of being more than he is, he stands at the precipice of ending his life. But a random voice on the wind tells him not to, so, nah, maybe he shouldn’t kill himself. Your complete lack of understanding for suicidal depression is both relieving and insulting, author.

Once at the land he called home, he had heard news of strange phenomenons in a small town not far from where he is.

Are there more inhabitants in the “land of home” other than this unnamed edgelord, or are we just going to assume his family is already out of the picture?

He thought it would just be some false rumours, but a spark in his heart told him to go. It was as if the innocence of his youth was leading him as he went to investigate. He finally found the mundane looking area callted "Beach City" and felt a warmth spread slowly through his body.

If that’s all he wanted to feel, maybe he should have started drinking.

He could not understand it, but something about the place screamed "adventure" to him.

I don’t know; a small, quiet tourist town doesn’t really seem that adventurous to me. Now, that whole “barren wasteland filled with pain and suffering” mentioned earlier, that would be more like it.

He scoured the town carefully, talking to the citizens and mayor too, yet found nothing. Of course, the place seemed surprisingly peaceful and happy. Everyone seemed to know each other and had happy bonds. Yet this wasn't what the young man yearned for.

Then why are you starring in a Steven Universe fanfic?

The waves of depression started to crash into his mind yet again, distorted voices of the past discouraging once again, and making his view of the world slowly turn gray again. He thought it was all over...until a bright flash of light snapped him out of it.

A couple of tourists had decided to snap photos of the sadsack standing in the middle of who-the-fuck-knows-where.

He searched around until he saw a strange area, a large fence covering the mouth of a cave, seemingly separate from the citizens of Beach City.

Don’t you mean a fence cutting off part of the beach, which leads to a giant statue, which has said cave in it? I’m starting to think scene establishment isn’t your forte.

Every logical nerve in his brain told him to stay away, for fear that he would be either hurt by unsavory people, or disappointed once again. Hqe was just about to turn away until he saw a bright light glow from within the cave.

You could jiggle your keys, and it would stop this kid from heading back to the Suicide Cliff TM.

With a pit of fear in his gut, yet adrenalin coursing through his veins, he finally climbed over the fence and toward the cave. He didn't know what would happen, would there be something undiscovered, pirate's treasure, alien life, an infinity stone that alters continuity?

I hope so, because I want to change it already.

His ideas became more ridiculous as he went closer, he felt as if his child like wonder was coming back. What he found though…is a mystery for now. The tale of this young boy will continue next time.

Oh boy, I can’t wait. Who knows, maybe he finds a name in that cave we can know him by.


So vague, so mysterious, so try-hard. Yeah, I can tell I’m going to have fun here. Thirty-three chapters so far, but chapter length seems on the light side – it should provide for easy amusement while I recharge for more of my main project.

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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Post #2

Shillin' Best Girl from Fire Emblem: Echoes

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post Feb 27 2017, 11:54 PM
This fic has all the hallmarks of a Human in Equestria fic, except with sentient gemstones, instead of pastel-colored ponies. I wonder if it will carry all the cliches of the H.I.E fics, be it piles of angst, fervent masturbation, the main characters doing nothing but sucking the self-inserts penis, et cetera, et cetera.

The mock's starting off good. Here's hoping you make it out of this one alive.

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QUOTE (AnItalianGuy @ May 27 2016, 02:03 AM) *
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
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Post #3

Critically Sarcastic

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post Feb 28 2017, 01:41 PM
You’re right, GorillaGamer, it does have the unmistakable fragrance of escapist fantasy that we see from those fanfics. And I bet the comparison will only become more clear as we move along.

Last time, we got introduced to our main character. That is, we were made aware of him. We don’t know anything about him, other than he’s an adventurous emo kid with a short attention span. Let’s see if this chapter improves on this. Enjoy.


Chapter 2: Gems

The young man looks and is surprised by his discovery. He believed that there was something more magical with the world, but he never thought he would find it.

Has he tried searching at Disney Land?

When he first walked into the cavern, all he saw at first was a strange white door, and a slightly elevated circle on the floor. To say he was confused was an understatement, but he was not deterred.

It sounds like an alien describing a front door and a welcome mat. You could at least say the circle is made of crystal.

He searched around the area in hopes to find something or someone. The whole cave seemed ancient, like it existed for a millennia, yet it seemed lived in as well.

Yeah, the presence of a door usually indicates that. Have you ever been in an actual cave before?

Just when he was about to head home, he accidently collided face first into something. When he fell down, he heard a voice of concern over his well being. He opens his eyes and sees that he didn't bump into something, but somebody.

Again, yes, a voice would usually indicate that. What reality are you from, dude?

In front of him was a large woman, with a mountain of pink hair and a kind face. When he got up, he could clearly see that the woman must have been 8 feet tall. She strangely seemed to have a gem where her navel was. He was of course nervous, and started rambling apologies to her, but she just smiled and pet his head softly.

Don’t you just love dialogue without actual dialogue?

He was about to try and say something coherent, but then jumped in surprise as he sees the elevated circle glow brightly, and another woman comes out, this one very large as well, with red skin, shades, and a haircut that makes her head look like a square.

You just made Garnet out to be a boring-looking Native American. How hard is it to describe box-shaped hair?

She had two gems in the palms of her hands but they were different shapes.. Two others would come out, a slightly smaller girl that resembled a bird, around his height, yet was built like an elegant ballerina, a thin body yet still looking strong.

You really aren’t good at descriptions, are you, author? Pointy nose, match-stick limbs, and how could you forget the leg warmers? For shame.

Her oval like gem resided directly on her forehead. Behind her was an incredibly short and young purple girl with white hair and an energetic gem residing just above her heart. Were these gems a symbol of a gang? The boy was unsure.

You find four women wearing jewelry, and your immediate thought is ‘gang signal’ and not ‘fashion statement’? Boy, that wasteland of pain and suffering sure has jaded you.

The first large woman smiled and invited them over to look over him. She referred to them with strange names. The red one was Garnet, the ballerina Pearl, and the short one Amethyst. The tall woman was apparently Rose, as Pearl yelled her name in surprise and stood defensively in front of her, seeming to see the young man as a possible threat.

Pearl doesn’t even consider humans as equals – and rightly so. What does this blank slate of a character look like for this reaction to be warranted?

Garnet seemed indifferent, yet Amethyst looked extremely curious. With some time, the boy finally introduced himself and explained why he was in their home in the first place. They all seem genuinely interested by his tale, albeit Pearl still extremely cautious.

“See, I was about to kill myself, but then I didn’t. Then I found this town, but I almost left before I saw this light. Then I found your cave, and then I was about to go home… I’m a very indecisive person.”

Once the boy's tale was done, Rose smiled down at him and took his hand, leading him to the elevated circle. The other three came as well onto it. Rose referred to the circle as a warp pad, and promised to show the young man the magic and adventure he always wanted.

Oh boy, will there be ponies too? This really is just another My Little Pony fanfic expy.

His felt like he was seeing stars as the pad glowed and they appeared in this strange land, where the fields were filled with strawberry plants and weapons of many shapes and sizes. The boy was astounded as he looked around with a wide smile on his face. The gem bearers spoke to each other behind him, yet he could not listen as he was too busy exploring the area.

You know, his amazement is fine and all. The problem is that they’re all still on Earth; Norway to be exact. Did this kid just watch Mad Max and assume that’s how the rest of the world was?

Thoughts raced through his mind, that maybe with these four women, he can have the adventure he wanted. Before he could go too far though, Garnet stops him in his tracks before he could fall down a deep ravine. The boy thanks Garnet and she smiled softly at him, telling him to be more careful.

I bet she watched the dumb kid fall down the ravine fifty times with her future vision, and she did nothing to stop it.

The others come and explain that this land was where a massive battle took place, one not known in the history of mankind. The boy had so many questions, but before he could speak, he saw a small shadow sneak onto Amethyst. Without thinking twice, he pushed the small girl out of the way, and his eyes locked on to see a beast he could hardly describe.

Descriptions are tough for you already, don’t strain yourself now.

It's body seemed to exist, yet wasn't physical. It seemed made directly of volcanic ash, but that was impossible. The beast changed shape with the gas, sometimes resembling monstrous figures, and rarely looking like a frightened girl.

Attached Image

Female smoke monster? Sure, let’s pretend that makes sense and move on.

The young man was conflicted on how to act, but the gem bearers did not hesitate to attack. They each seemed to summon weapons out of their gems, Garnet with large intimidating fists, Pearl with a lance, Amethyst a whip, and Rose with a mighty shield and sword. They all attacked the wispy creature, showing little mercy.

They don’t really need to. Poofing a gem monster is entirely non-permanent; best to get it over with quick for both your own and the monster’s sake. Prolonging the struggle would only be worse.

The young man did not know what to do, should he help or run? The answer seems to have come for him as the wisp blasted away the gem bearers with a fiery shockwave. It seemed more intent on escaping instead of fighting, yet the gems would not let it.

In a panic, the wisp charges toward the boy. He was too stunned to do anything but put his hands out in a last second attempt to stop it. The wisp though flew over his arms and into his open mouth. He could taste the warm smoky yet asphyxiating being as it seemed to go through the innards of his body.

I knew the dude was just a hollow shell, but I didn’t think something would actually fill it up.

He desperately tried to grab it by the tail and pull it out, but as he struggled, Rose rushed to help by slaying it. She raised her sword to attack it, but was too late as the beast fully escaped into the boy's body, leaving him to be the victim of the sword. Rose was unable to stop as she swung her sword, effectively slicing off his right hand.

How clumsy of her, she was clearly trying to stick her four-foot blade down his throat in order to kill the beast. Why must you portray Rose Quartz as an incompetent swordswoman in order for you to have more angst material?

Rose and the other gem bearers were shocked as they saw the damage they have done. The boy seemed disconnected from the world though, his mind unable to comprehend his surroundings. He couldn't hear the screams of fear and regret, unable to feel the smoke and fire in his heart, and could not feel the blood rushing out of his hand and onto the dirt next to him.

Oh, so I have to suffer through this edgy tripe, but he doesn’t? How’s that fair?

His eyes rolled back as he staggered backwards, falling into the ravine behind him. Before he could hit the ground or water, his eyes slowly closed. His fate….

Cliffhanger, huh? With the main character’s life in danger? The entire future of this story hinging on whether he lives or dies? Yeah, I’m sooooo uncertain of how this turns out.


Still no name on the author’s sock puppet, but I’m sure we’ll get one soon. In the mean time, I’ll be scratching my head at how inhaling a gem monster should even be possible, let alone survivable. Sounds more like a good excuse for sounding like a fifty-year-old chain smoker with lung cancer, in my opinion.

This post has been edited by StabbyKobold: Mar 8 2017, 11:27 AM

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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Post #4

Critically Sarcastic

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post Mar 2 2017, 03:27 PM
When last we left off, our protagonist was falling to his fake-out death after inhaling a gem monster that was somehow made out of smoke. He also got his hand cut off, because despite having existed for more than five thousand years Rose Quartz still hasn’t mastered the art of swordsmanship. Let’s see how he deals with that. Enjoy.


Chapter 3: A new ally?

Darkness...there is nothing else. There is just a black void...yet he is not alone.

What a shallow attempt at being profound. It’s like saying, “I was completely alone. Oh, and Bob was there.” It’s not deep, it’s just contradictory.

A whimper can be heard. The human swims through the darkness toward the sound. He finds a young woman, unable to stop the tears from rolling down her face. He did not think, for some reason, he knew what he had to do.

A fedora appeared on his head, and he proceeded to tip it.

He floated behind her and hugged her close, sharing the warmth of his body with her. She seems to stop crying, but holds close to him, in desperate need of him. He slowly nods… promising to never let go. The darkness seems comforting now, like a blanket that keeps them close together.

They don’t know jack shit about each other, but the author’s sock puppet gets to cuddle, so it’s all good.

….He awakens. Once his eyesight adjusts, he sees Rose, crying on...what appears to be a stump where his right hand used to be. He thought he would feel pain, but surprisingly...he felt nothing.

Not even distress at his loss of limb? Even with the vapor waif inside him, he’s still an emotionless shell.

His open eyes catch Rose's attention and she tells the others to come and see that he is okay. Rose explains that he fell directly in the river in the ravine during the battle once the beast snaked into his body and Rose accidentally cut off his hand.

I imagine Rose had a long talk with Garnet about how precognition should have prevented this sort of thing. But then again, would you try to stop an eight-foot woman swinging a sabre the size of your leg?

They brought him back to their home and attempted to heal him. Rose said her tears had healing abilities, which sounded farfetched, but his wound was not bleeding, but was now just a useless stump. Rose rambled off apologies, but he just shushed her and accepted her apology. Despite the loss of his favorite hand, he seemed content.

I guess it was too much to ask, that he should act in any way like a regular person.

The gem bearers promised to let him stay until he felt he could do things on his own again. It was definitely difficult trying to do things with only one arm, but he wouldn't give up. Every night though, his dreams would bring him back to that dark void, where he silently spent time with the girl.

Yeah, about that, did the Gems just forget that he now plays host to a vapor-based parasite? They all saw him swallow the damn thing, don’t they want to get it out of him?

At night he would ask her name, but when he woke up the next morning, he could never remember it. He wanted to talk to the gem about it, but feared they would try to take her away.

Have you ever considered that she might not want to be inside of him, that all of this was an accident? In Pinocchio, Geppetto didn’t want to live inside a whale, but that’s what happened anyway.

So he went to the library for information, not realising he was being followed. He searched through many books, trying to figure out what the girl in the shadows was. Each of the girls he met had gems, so he believed that there may be a similar case with this girl. He still remembers her in her beast form...her mind was broken, corrupted and unable to do anything but act on a animal instinct, yet in his body, she was safe.

Yeah, and the fact that he’s being possessive of a girl in such a state of mind is rather discomforting.

Before he could search any farther though, Garnet revealed herself. He wanted to explain himself, but Garnet just put a hand up, pulled out a chair, and started helping him. It seems there may be more than meets the eye when it comes to her, but that was a question for another day. He tried to remember as much as he can, the beast looking like ash, the smoke and fire. He then thought maybe volcanos would be a link, and he would find himself to be right. There is a particular gemstone that grows in volcanos. He spoke the name slowly, "Obsidian" and felt his body convulse, and feel himself slowly pass out once again.

Obsidian? I should have figured. As edgy as this author is, it was either that or Onyx.

Garnet panicked and went to take him to the gems. As they tried to figure out what happened to him, his mind was currently in the void again. "Your name...it's Obsidian...I like it." He smiled happily at her, and she felt her eyes water as a smile grew on her face. "Me?...My name is…" Suddenly a light flashes and he wakes up.

Oh, those darn, random flashes and their propensity for teasing with information that we want. Just tell us the kid’s name already, author – you’re just being coy now.

The gems look at him in astonishment, unable to believe their eyes. He didn't know what was so surprising as he gently scratched his head...but realised the arm he was using was his right arm. He looked to see that obsidian replaced where his right hand once was.

Attached Image

Obsidian as in the actual rock? He has a rock hand now?

He carefully flexed his knew fingers, and saw that they moved as if they were there ever since he was a baby. Despite obsidian being so sharp though, it was smooth and warm, and felt like it could pass off as a regular body part.

Yeah, no, I have to stop you right there. I don’t care if the show is about magic alien rocks, you can’t just pass this off as acceptable logic, author. Pearl’s body isn’t made of calcium carbonate, and Amethyst’s body isn’t made of silicon dioxide; they are hard-light constructs projected from their gems – their actual bodies. I would have accepted that Obsidian would have manifested a hand for him in that way, but to grow a malleable gemstone in the shape of his hand is just dumb.

The gems smiled at him, but were worried about Obsidian existing in his body. He assured them, that everything would be fine, he knew there bond together would make them better than ever, and a better person too.

And so the little lost boy’s dream of becoming more was fulfilled. Story over?

He soon packed his belongings as he began to leave.

What belongings? I don’t even know if he owns clothes.

He enjoyed his times with the gems but he knew he had more of the world to explore now. With Obsidian with him, he felt ready to take on the whole world. He looked at Beach City one more time, with a shout he yelled "My name is Maxwell Ignitus! And I am the person who shapes my own path in life!" Max smiled wide before running off, ready to explore and truly carve a name into history about who he is.

Maxwell Ignitus? Gee, what a happy coincidence he merged with a volcanic-based gemstone with a last name like that. Had he been named something like, say, Waterman, it would just have been silly. Why can’t fanfic authors just pick a common name instead of picking contrived and pointlessly meaningful ones?


I guess the real story begins now, with our now named main character setting out with a gem inside of him and a rock prosthesis for a hand. He proclaims himself as a person that “shapes his own path in life”, despite his current situation being of no decision of his own. Rose took him to the strawberry field, Obsidian crawled inside him, Garnet acted as his nursemaid, and all he’s ever done is to roll with it.

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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Post #5

Critically Sarcastic

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post Mar 5 2017, 12:54 PM
So, now that the author avatar, Topgood Burnout, has become something more than human, and left out to explore the world, what better way to continue the story than to do a time skip to where he returns to Beach City? Just when I thought we could finally see that desolate wasteland that made him want to kill himself in the first place. Oh well, let’s see how second impact with the show’s plot turns out. Enjoy.


Chapter 4: The return

So, there is my backstory. 50 years ago, I was just a traveler, and suddenly got an obsidian gem taking host in my body.

You know what, I want to give props to the author. This is the first time I’ve seen a fanfic introduce backstory as something else than a flashback or a “prologue” that pretends to stand outside the regular chapter count. Good on you, author.

Yes I said 50 years, apparently I can't age though, stuck in a the same body, and yes I used "I" because the third person mystery protagonist thing was just to get things ready for my big entrance...plus it got tedious.

And then you ruin it all by now switching over to a first person narrative, and have the protagonist address the audience and tell us that it was simply the means to being pretentious. Oh, and nice to see you handing your protagonist the ‘eternal life’ card so early; your Marty Stu deck is building up nicely.

Anyways, during those 50 years I've gone to new heights in my exploration, seas, lands, and sky, I had no limits.

Your limit is Earth. A limit that, for comparison, Pearl finds rather restrictive.

I also trained my body and mind in ways that helped me adapt more to my new gem abilities, and let me tell you this, it was not easy learning how to keep myself from breaking doors when I open them too fast.

Cursed with super strength, oh bother.

In fact, none of it was easy, but Obsidian cheered me on the entire way. Now I felt ready.

For what? We can’t understand your motivation if you don’t tell us, you know.

In my reliable little truck, I drove to beach city, excited to show the gems how much I have grown. Once at the city limits, I looked to my right hand, the sun making the sharp gemstone shine eerily. I flexed the pseudo fingers and sighed softly, putting on my gloves to hide it, you'd be surprised how many people get scared from it.

Scared by some dude’s off-color hand? I think they’d sooner tell him to have a medical check-up.

Gently putting my foot on the gas, I made my way to the beach.

What I saw...was interesting to say the least. I thought the gems would still be in that cave...but now they have a house? I guess it didn't really bug me, but didn't the gems have their own rooms or something….whatever, thinking about it too much will distract me.

Yeah, curiosity is for chumps!

Time to put my eyes on the prize! I went up the stairs carefully, and knocked on the wood next to the screen door. I was beyond excited to see them again, the doofiest grin on my face. The door slowly opened and I saw….some potato child?

You know, when I see people describe Steven like that, it’s usually meant in an affectionate way. Can’t quite say I get the same feeling here.

"Um...hello. Do some multicolored women live here?" After saying that, I slapped my forehead, reminding myself to be more careful with my word choices.

I don’t get it. Is this a racism joke? It’s a pretty accurate description.

"Oh you mean Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl?"

"YES! You know them?"

"Of course I do, come on in sir."

Steven, what have the gems told you about letting strangers into the house? Nothing, apparently. Just like everything else.

I chuckled at being called sir, this kid seemed nice. Were the gems running a daycare for some money? Now that I think about it, where do they get their money? No, wait, focus!

It’s nice to see that at least some part of the last five decades was spent combating his crippling ADD.

"Well aren't you a gentleman." I say in the most fake fancy voice I can do.

"Well of course." He replies in the same goofy voice.

With a smile I walk in and sit on the nearby couch.

No, please, help yourself – take off your shoes too and dig into the fridge while you’re at it.

"My name is Maxwell Ignitus. But you can call me Max."

"Nice to meet you! I'm Steven, uh, Steven Quartz Universe."

My first clue should have been when he said "Quartz" but it didn't seem to hit me at the time.

The narration, however, is hitting me over the head. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but this kind of hind-sight retelling just breaks any and all immersion.

"So, not to be rude, but where are the gems?"

"Oh they're a bit busy on a mission. I wanted to come along, but Garnet said I would meet someone important if I stay here...oh hey! Maybe it's you!"

Important? Sure, let’s use that descriptor for now. I mean, receiving your mail can be considered important too.

"Hehehe, well I don't know about important, but I did want to spring a surprise on them...wait how did Garnet know I would be here?"

"Well because of Garnet's future vision, it's awesome!"

"...future vision? Hmm, I guess you learn something new everyday."

“And I’ve been learning constantly for the last fifty years. Like how strong I am, how much people are afraid of black hands, how strong I am, that masturbating with a rock hand is very uncomfortable, how strong I am… I learn a lot.”

"Wait so how do you know the gems?" he asks as he squints and looks at me curiously.

"I could ask you the same question. Well, let's just say we've crossed paths before."

"Sounds a little…..suspicious….hehehe, well you seem nice. As for me, well I-"

“I am not related to Rose Quartz in any way, so pleasedonottrytokidnaporkillme.”

Before he could continue, the familiar light of the warp pad shined as I looked to see them once again. Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and….no Rose? I was confused sure, but more happy to actually see 3 out of 4 of them after so long.

Unless they’re fusing, I don’t think they need to be joined at the hip.

"Well I say that was a job well done." It seems Amethyst has...grown? Well gems don't necessarily have a body, maybe she wanted to look a bit older.

I’m pretty sure all she grew was her hair. It’s more likely the fact she no longer has an eight-foot tall woman to look small next to.

"Job well done? The whole temple was destroyed!" And there was Pearl, with a nice new hair do too.

"What matters is that we stopped the gem." Garnet had a small bubble floating above her hand before she tapped on the top and it vanished.

"Well I guess, but it would have been nice to-" Pearl stared aghast right at me, while I just had a smile on my face.

Attached Image

Now, we didn’t see how well the gems bonded with Maxwell before he left, but I doubt this reunion is something Pearl was looking forward to.

"Huh? Did you break Pearl?" Amethyst looked at her confused before following her eyes and looked at me with her own wide eyes.

"Welcome back Maxwell." Garnet had this knowing smile as she looked at me. I'd have to ask about that future vision later.

"Hehehe, Max is just fine, no need for formalities. And it's great to be back!"

Oh, yeah, you have so many great memories from here. You know. Like that time you and the gems, uhm, did that thing. Actually, what did you do at the temple other than crashing on their doorstep and ditching with an alien trapped inside your body?

"M-max! I-it's great to see you b-but-"

"What Pearl? After 50 years, I'm not allowed to come by for a visit?" I Just chuckle softly but was not ready for the tackle hug Amethyst gave me.

“No, I just hoped- I mean, thought that given the average human life span, plus the untold damage of having a corrupted gem crawl down your esophagus, that you’d, you know, not show up again.”

"Wow dude! It's been forever, you haven't grown at all."

"Says the purple shortstack hugging me." I pet her head a bit until she finally let go.

"So what brings you back?"

"Well I thought now would be a good time to show off my progress with my training."

Training? What are you trying to accomplish? It likely has nothing to do with what the Crystal Gems are trying to do, i.e. protect humanity, because you never seemed interested in what the gems were doing.

As the four were conversing, Steven just sat there awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

"Oh, where are my manners, sorry for leaving you out Steven." I rub the back of my neck embarrassed.

"It's okay, It's nice to see everyone so happy."

“I’m not ruling you out for potential kidnapper and attempted murderer yet, though. Last time I did that, guess what happened.”

"Which reminds me, Pearl, when did you guys start taking care of kids?"

Pearl just froze up, the others with uneasy looks on their face.

"...no need to keep me in suspense."

"It's just…" Then Pearl began to explain explain, with the others interjecting at times to help.

“You see, when a gem loves a human very, very much, they ditch their millennia old crush for some two-bit musician – shattering your heart like a diamond during the rebellion – then give up their physical form to become an inferior and flawed being. Which we love very much and call Steven.”

Apparently Rose and a human, wanted to have a baby together, but it would cause her to lose her physical form so he can be born.

"...wow...just...damn. Pardon my language, but I never thought Rose was so...just the thought of giving up your being to create another, it's….amazing." Was I sad to not be able to see Rose? Sure. But seeing that her love created this kid….it was wonderful.

What, had you hoped she could help you chop off the other hand so you could restore symmetry?

"You're not mad or anything?" Steven asked nervously

"Why would I be mad? This is fantastic. Mazaltov! I may not be jewish but whatever!" I pick Steven and carry him on my shoulder.

"Congratulations to Rose and her lucky man who made this cool kid."

“In fact, I want to shake the guy’s hand. Banging an alien chick, and having her kid – dude has accomplished many a man’s dream.”

Steven laughed heartily as I carried him around. The others seemed happy that I was taking the news well, but I knew I had more to say.

Setting Steven down I looked at the gems with a determined look in my eyes.

"So, enough beating around the bush. The main reason I came back was to show off my training with Obsidian." I pull of my gloves, putting my right hand on full view.

For no other reason than to impress the kid in the room, because the gems already know about it. I had hoped you’d use Steven for more than just standing in awe of you, you know.

Steven gasped as he saw my arm. "Wait, you're half gem like me?"

"Not exactly, it's a bit of a long story. To keep it simple, Obsidian was a corrupted gem, but when she took residence in my body, I was able to help her, and we grew a bond so that I can grow stronger than any human, and now I want to test my abilities against the gems. I want a no holds barred battle, between me and the Crystal Gems!"

Why, though? What do you have to prove? You already know you’re stronger than any human. Also, if Obsidian is no longer corrupted as a result of Maxwell ingesting her, shouldn’t the Crystal Gems just feed corrupted gems to human volunteers?


And the chapter ends abruptly, so we’ll get to see the author’s OC flex his fighting abilities next chapter. And the two chapters following it also, as apparently he takes the gems on individually, and the author couldn’t be bothered having it all take place within the same chapter. I doubt the quality is going to keep up with the quantity – when has it ever?

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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post Mar 5 2017, 08:29 PM
"Maxwell Ignitus." What a fucking nerd. I bet the reason he hated life so much was because he got wedgies all throughout high school and his super secret karate training didn't stop Ryan the Linebacker from sharing his deviantArt with the rest of the locker room.

Had this been "dipshit goes on an adventure with gem powers and never interacts with with the other gems ever again," maybe it could've been salvageable. But seeing as the author refuses to let quality slide into this, I shouldn't be surprised that this chapter killed that idea. Nope. It needs to be a human-in-Steven Universe fic.

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Mar 5 2017, 08:33 PM

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post Mar 7 2017, 07:14 AM
The protagonist has challenged the gems to a fight, so that’s what is going to happen in this chapter. It’s Maxwell’s time to shine, in all his overpowered and nonsensical glory. Enjoy.


Chapter 5: Vs Amethyst

"...AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Amethyst was just cracking up as soon as she heard Max, leaving him to blush a bit.

Did he crack a joke in-between chapters or something?

"Amethyst, there is no need to be rude." Despite saying this, Pearl looked amused too.

"No offense Maxwell, but while you may have training, it unfortunately is not anything that can compare to a gem's training." Garnet was trying to be kind, but it didn't seem to do anything for Max.

"So my training means nothing huh? Then how about you three put your money where your mouth is?"

Oh, I see. We have the gems patronize the protagonist, so that their coming contrived losses to him will be somewhat justified. Again, why does he feel the need to pick a fight with them at all? Does he want to be a contender for Best Gem, or something?

"I tried eating that money stuff, it's not bad but I've had better."

"It's a figure of speech Amethyst, I mean that, if you three are so confident, then you won't have any trouble beating me in a fight."

Amethyst just snickered and took a step forward.

I’d imagine it was to leave the fool alone, but unfortunately the act of being “in character” is something people will be frequently denied in fanfics.

"Wait Amethyst, we still shouldn't hurt a human."

"Don't worry Pearl, I'll be gentle with him."

Max just glared at her, but then smiled. "Well, so you wouldn't mind if I used my weapons?"

"Nothing you got can beat me." She smirks as she pulls out her whip from the gem on her chest.

“I mean, unless the rules of the universe somehow bends in your favor, so that nothing makes sense and nothing I attempt will have any sort of impact. But what are the odds of that?”

"We'll see about that." Max looked at his Obsidian hand, willing it to glow and materialize a black cloak. He learned long ago that gems can keep items in their gem, so he taught himself to do so as well. Unfortunately he can only store a small amount of items in his hand...but that's what the cloak is for. He puts on the dark cloak and smirks as he gets into a fighting stance.

I’m not following. He says he can’t store that much in his hand-gem, so he pulls out a cloak and puts it on, which somehow solves his storage space problem? Also, are they about to start fighting in Steven’s living room?

"Here it comes!" Amethyst yelled it out as she swung her whip toward Max...only for him to stay still and take the attack.

"Wow, I knew humans were bad but you didn't even move." She tried to pull back her whip, but sees that Max has an iron grip on it.

"It's not that, I just wanted to see how strong you are...I must say I'm not disappointed." He looks at her with a fierce look in his eyes and a wide smirk.

Then please show us that Amethyst’s attack did something, otherwise this will be nothing but the author masturbating to his gemsona.

He pulls at her whip, surprisingly strong enough to pull her toward him, giving him the perfect chance to give a devastating kick straight to her stomach, making her grunt in pain and fall onto the ground.

"Still think I'm weak?~" He smiles condescendingly but his small victory was short lived as Amethyst curled into a ball and dashed straight at him, launching him backwards. "Well that's the spirit!" He just laughs as he lands on the sandy beach, then easily gets up and dusts himself off.

Oh, so they are outside. When the fuck did they get there? The gems arrived by warp pad last chapter, which is inside Steven’s house.

"No more Nice Gem!" She growls as she glows and shape shifts into this hairy muscular wrestler type body.

Max just chuckles and rushes toward her, a trail of dust following him as he reaches into his cloak as he closes the distance between the two of them.

Amethyst runs toward Max, then jumps high, ready to body slam. But Max pulls out a combat shotgun straight out of his cloak and fires directly at her.

Attached Image

Okay, first off, I guess it’s a good thing Maxwell is wearing that cloak, because it obviously covers up how he pulled that thing straight out of his ass. Second of all, WHAT THE FUCK?!

A shot like that would kill a human, but after some…"careful testing" Max learned that bullets can't kill a gem, but do a ton of damage. So while the shotgun blast didn't kill Amethyst, it sure knocked the wind out of her and blasted her away.

Okay, Brainiac, I’ve got some questions. How did you test this? “Careful testing” obviously means blowing buckshot at some gem’s physical form, and since you’re barely half of one, it had to be some unfortunate corrupt gem that you came across. Also, a shotgun can’t kill a gem? A gem is killed, or shattered rather, if their gem takes a breaking blow; something I’m sure bullets should be able to do. You just fired a combat shotgun point blank at Amethyst. Have you forgotten where her fucking gem is located, you complete lunatic?!

"Ow!" She reverted back to her regular form and glares at him. "What was that!?"

"What? I thought it was okay for me to use any weapon, so I'll use every weapon." He smirks and puts away the shotgun only to pull out a baseball bat.

"Whoa! How does that work?!" Steven was at first to surprised by seeing Max was half gem, and the fight to really speak up at first, but now felt like a good time to interject.

"Well simple, while studying theoretical physics and with help from Obsidian, I made myself a nice inter dimensional portal to my arsenal of weapons."

Attached Image

This is too much. This asshole, this pretentious, pompous prick is out of fucking line. I’m not even talking about Maxwell, I’m talking about the author. He wants us to believe, to be so gullible to even imagine, that Maxwel, somewhere in the past fifty years, simply sat down and studied theoretical physics and took advantage of having an alien intelligence within him, and then he somehow invented technology beyond anything the show has shown us thus far. I had hoped that what he was doing was something akin to the Tardis effect that the Roaming Eye ship had, where it was bigger on the inside. But no, instead Maxwell is pulling from a possibly unlimited arsenal of physical weapons that is stored somewhere else.

My complaint about this is manifold, but I’ll sum up the worst offenders. Firstly, this cloak is now a Deus ex Machina dispenser; any and all items could be stored in its subspace to be retrieved at Maxwell’s leisure. Secondly, just chalking this up to theoretical physics and a corrupt gem helping him does not a satisfactory explanation make – it should have been pulled from his ass rather than his hand. Thirdly, Max is a selfish asshat, because instead of sharing this unimaginable invention with the world, a marvel that would revolutionize any and all forms of transportation, even the fucking gem warp pads, this prick stuck it on the inside of a cloak and called it a day. Fuck this thing!

Max looked so happy explaining it to Steven, unfortunately that made him too distracted to realize that Amethyst pulled out her second whip and lashed them furiously at Max.

"Gah!" He shielded his body as best as he can while Amethyst continued her onslaught. *This is bad, unless I do something...I got it!*

With a smirk he grabs something from his cloak and rolls it through her whips and at her feet.

Amethyst looked confused as she saw the small object, revealing it to be a small smoke bomb, which immediately spewed white has and clouded her vision

If this becomes a trend, I’m going to start a counter for how many times this “cloak of convenience” gets used. I know Steven technically has the same thing with Lion, but at least he can’t carry the animal around with him.

"Hey! Quit hiding and fight!" She searches around desperately, not realizing Max was right behind her.

"Here comes the GRAND SLAM!" Amethyst looks behind herself, but it was too late as Max swings, breaking his wooden bat in the process as he smashed her into the air. She was barely conscious as she flew through the air, only for Garnet to catch her.

"Amethyst! Is she okay?" Pearl looks over Amethyst, fortunately seeing no cracks in her gem or anything.

It’s a good thing they have Rose’s spring or Steven’s spit in case something like that happened, and it infuriates me that Max has no reason to know that.

"She's fine, but I believe we underestimated our opponent." Garnet was about to lay her down, but Amethyst struggled to get up.

"N-no, I can still fight."

"No Amethyst, you fought well, but you need to rest." Garnet said in a slightly concerned voice.

"But…" Before she could say anything else, Steven and Max come by and they give her some donuts.

I wasn’t aware the Big Donut did delivery.

"Max wanted to give you these as thanks for the fight!" Steven happily eats one as he sits with Amethyst to watch over her.

"Yeah, sorry Amethyst. I needed to prove I was strong. If I could beat you, then that means my training really was worth it! But I'm not done yet." Max looks to Garnet and Pearl. "I swore to beat all of you. So who will be my next opponent?"

Why?! That’s all I’m asking! Give us a reason for this dickwad to have this much of a need to prove himself. Right now, it’s just the author wanting to show off how much cooler his self-insert is than the gems.

Authors note: sorry for switching to third person, I didn't realize till after I finished the chapter.

Oh, so your whole pretentious intro to the previous chapter was just to cover up that you’re an absentminded writer, who doesn’t consider even glancing twice at his work before uploading it? How nice.

I'm sorry if I continue to be inconsistent, this is my first time doing anything like this. Thanks so much for the few of you who have favorited my story, I can't wait to make more chapters!

And I can’t wait to tear into them. I can only imagine they’re going to be more infuriating after the shit you pulled in this one.


A combat shogun, a smoke bomb, and a baseball bat. I bet he’s got a bazooka in there too, it’s just a matter of time before he finds and excuse for it. I fear this won’t end at just a fancy cloak – we still haven’t seen any of these “gem abilities” he supposedly has.

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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post Mar 10 2017, 05:41 AM
One gem down, two to go. Let’s get through the author’s obligatory dick measuring contest, so we can see how else he plans on making this story interesting. Enjoy.


Chapter 6: Vs Pearl

The gems felt the need to be cautious, after seeing Maxwell and his skill, they knew that they needed to be more careful. So Pearl felt she was the perfect choice.

After all, nothing says careful like a five-foot corkscrew spear to the sternum.

"I will be your opponent Mr. Ignitus."

"Excellent, I'll be sure not to disappoint you." Max smiles as he backs up, giving them room for the battle to begin.

Disappoint her? Bitch, you’re the one who’s gung-ho about fighting here, not them.

Pearl focused her hands above the gem on her head, summoning her spear and getting into her stance for battle.

"Alright let's do it!" Max pulls out dual pistols and fires at Pearl relentlessly.

I still can’t get over the whole “bullets can’t kill gems” logic of this author. A head-shot would be just as effective against Pearl as any human.

Despite this, Pearl seemed able to dodge and deflect the bullets with a grace that only she was able to master.

"I am of a different level of strength, you cannot win!" Pearl aims her spear and fires a powerful bolt of energy at Max. His eyes widen as he tries to dodge it but the energy bolt damages his leg.

So, indeterminate damage somewhere between a slight rash and complete disintegration – got it.

"Gah! Damn." He made a mental note to be more careful with cursing around Steven, but he had to shift his weight to one leg to try and stay stable.

Bad language is just about the last thing on the list of things Steven needs to be protected from.

"You're too weak now you lose." Despite her words, Max just grins and starts hopping on his good leg with his arms up. "You kidding me? I'm just getting started!"

Pearl was confused, but then Max's leg catches flame.

Attached Image

So, this is clearly one of Max’s new super powers. What’s he going to do with it? Use it to kick Pearl, like he’s copying Sanji from One Piece?

Pearl was about to go and help, but Max then stood firm on both legs, the flames dissipating, his leg perfectly fine, albeit a bit covered in soot.


"It took time to perfect it, but I call it my Phoenix burn. With it I can heal any of my wounds." He looked triumphant, but he was visibly tired. It seems using that ability left him drained.

Healing fire?! Are you kidding me? Say what you will about the magic of Steven’s healing spit, at least it’s delivered through a non-volatile and non-exothermic agent. How the hell does this make sense, and how can he be any part human at this point?

"I-I better finish this fast." Max returns his pistols, and pulls out his sniper rifle. Taking aim and firing at Pearl.

"You can't beat me!" Pearl dashes at Max, putting the trident adjustments to her spear as she thrusts at Max.

Okay, at least this puts the timeline somewhere after Bismuth. Which means Peridot and Lapis are also among the candidates to play “Fuck, Fuse, Shatter” with the author avatar.

Maxwell swings the rifle as if it were a club, parrying her attacks, then pulling out a pistol to fire at her at close range, doing some vital damage.

"You may have had the advantage at long range, but close quarters are my ally." He sweeps her legs and pounds her gut with the end of his gun. Once she was on the ground, he pulled his shotgun and aimed it directly at her forehead.

Oh, so you don’t want to swear around Steven, but threaten his surrogate mother’s life right in front of him, that you are fine with.


"...this isn't chess." She says in a salty manner before sighing.

Max smiles and puts his weapons away, putting his hand out to help her up. She smiles slightly and gladly takes his hand.

Attached Image

Oh, don’t I wish.

"I will admit, you proved yourself to be a worthy adversary. You have trained yourself well."

"Thanks Pearl, that means a lot to hear from you." He helps her back to the other gems.

Trained himself? All he’s got is superior firepower. That has nothing to do with the kind of dexterity and diligence that Pearl adheres to.

"Man I was sure you would win." Amethyst pouts a bit but smiles at the two of them.

"You both did well."

"Thanks Garnet, but I'm not done." Everyone looks at Max, not sure if he was serious. He already fought Amethyst and Pearl, he looked tired, yet he still wanted to fight Garnet?

Well, of course he would, because it would please the author’s ego that much more by winning at a disadvantage.

"You can't be serious...Maxwell, you already proved yourself, there is no need to continue."

"That's where you're wrong Garnet...I need to show all of my progress. I'm okay if I lose to you, but I won't be satisfied until we battle!"

And that sums up the author’s reasons for writing this story. For his own satisfaction. I hate it when the only ones fanfic authors are trying to entertain are themselves.


I don’t feel like placing any bets on the upcoming fight. On one hand, having the protagonist go up against the fusion powerhouse that is Garnet when exhausted should be a sure loss. On the other, the ego of these kind of fanfic authors knows no bounds, so there’s likely some kind of ace up Maxwell’s sleeve – because when did self-insert protagonists not have those?

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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post Mar 10 2017, 08:44 AM
Already weakened, exhausted, and about to face someone who is actually two lesbians in a trench coat.

Sounds like the writer's expy has some odds to overcome...

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post Mar 14 2017, 03:05 PM
Now that half of the Crystal Gems have fallen to the protagonist’s incessant need to show off, let’s see if Garnet has what it takes to take him down a peg. Enjoy.


Chapter 7: Vs Garnet

"...fine." The others looked at Garnet with surprise.

"Thank you Garnet." Max gets in position, Garnet summoning her large powerful fists.

They’re called gauntlets, you ignoramus. I know you are aware of the concept of gloves, so why is this a problem?

Before Max could pull out a weapon though, Garnet rushed at Max, and delivered a powerful punch to his chest, sending him flying several meters until he hit the ground,

"I'm sorry Maxwell, but I will have to finish this fast for your own good."

I’m not even sure the author knows that conflict can be solved through non-violent means by this point.

She took a few steps forward before hearing a chuckle from Max. He slowly stood up, clutching his chest but smiling wide.

"I knew something like this would happen. I'm too exhausted in this form...I need to stop relying on my human body...I am to be superhuman."

Alright, we all knew this was coming. Give us your worst, you wannabe shonen protagonist.

The Crystal gems look to Max as he puts his hands together, one flesh and blood, and one a superheated volcanic rock. As he holds them together, the link between Max and Obsidian grows more. His cloak vanishes back into his hand and his body goes on fire. His skin becomes covered soot as fire surrounds him.

"This form relies on both my skills as a human, and the fiery power of Obsidian. You can't beat me now!"

Attached Image

Let me get this straight, author. You took a blank slate character, made him your self-insert focus point, force-fed him a corrupted gem, and now you want us to believe this somehow enables him to turn into the Human Torch – relying on both his human and “gem partner” for this. This is just blatant wish fulfillment here, and it’s poorly done at that.

First off, the whole gem-human symbiosis is something that’s entirely pulled out of thin air for this character. We are told of powers, bonds, knowledge, and abilities, which Maxwell gains from having Obsidian residing inside of him, and we’re just supposed to accept that’s how it is. I don’t accept that. Gems and humans are two entirely different species, meant to function as individuals. Implanting a gem in a human body should probably have the same effect as stitching a Tamagotchi to your forearm – biology and geology shouldn’t mix that easily, magic or no magic. On top of this, you have the symbiosis be something that empowers Maxwell, not just beyond human standards, but clearly beyond gems as well. Steven is a literal hybrid, and he doesn’t have these uber-mega-fancy-schmancy powers that Max gets handed to him.

However, there is one thing that could fix all of this. One word that could explain all of this away, however vague the term would become by doing so. The word is ‘fusion’. Tell us that Max is the first human-gem fusion, an accidental, forced fusion that combines the abilities of a gem with the physical form of a human. Do that, and all the shit you’re pulling, sans your bullshit cloak-of-many-things, will make sense – because Max is doing things that no human should be able to do, and therefore shouldn’t be classified as human at all.

"We'll have to see about that." Garnet runs at him at full speed, throwing a powerful punch at Max, only for him to grab it with with his crystallized hand. The obsidian seems to have grown bigger. With his free hand his gives his own devastating punch, making Garnet launch into the ocean with a massive splash.

Max stays in the lookout, knowing Garnet wouldn't be bested so easily. Suddenly out of the ocean a seashell is thrown at his head, but his heat destroys the shell before it can hit him.

If that is to be the case, Maxwell should currently be knee deep in a pool of molten sand – that’s how much heat there’s needed to destroy calcite via indirect heat.

"Hehehe, is that your best?" Just after he says that, Garnet comes flying out of the water and punches him incredibly hard in the face, then throwing punch after punch, just a barrage attacking Maxwell. It looked like it would defeat Max, but then his eyes widen as his body heats up more. With a yell, the area around him explodes, ash everywhere.

I wonder how many times the gems can tear up the beach before Mayor Dewey has to pay for restoring it.

The whole fight was impossible to see from all of the ash. Steven looks around as best as he can, but then the ash clears, showing that only Garnet was standing and Max was in the floor.

It seemed like Garnet was the victor, but then she falls forward, face planting into the sand. Max gets up, slightly scratched but overall victorious.

I’ve seen more convincing falls in rigged boxing matches. What did Max bribe Garnet with while the ash was obscuring them?

"H-he won?" Pearl was absolutely astonished, Amethyst had her mouth agape, and Steven had stars in his eyes.

"That was awesome!" He goes to congratulate Max, but first checks on Garnet.

"D-don't worry Steven, I'm fine." She adjusts her position, sitting up and smiling at Steven as she fixes her visor.

“Had I won, he would only have stuck around until he could get a rematch. Now it’s over, and we can get on with our lives.”

"I have to say, even with the flame form, that was not easy. I need to train some more." Max chuckles as he struggled to stay standing, his body exhausted.

"Well before that, let's get inside. You all rest, I'll make some food and some ice packs." Steven smiles as he helps everyone into the house.

"Gotta say, you three really helped raise this kid into a model good citizen."

Don’t get too excited, Max. The kid barely cooks anything but junk food and microwave meals.

"Well I don't like to brag." Amethyst acts as if she did all the work, just for Garnet to lightly bop her head.

"We always had Steven's best interests at heart." Pearl almost went to memory lane as she thought of Steven growing up into such a kind young man.

I’m chalking that one up to Greg, really. If Steven had learnt kindness from the gems, he’d just have let Maxwell crash on his doorstep.

"...how has his training been going?"

"He's really progressing well, gaining so much more control, and discovering more abilities as he grows." Garnet smiled as she looked to Steven as he tried to subtly eat some of the whip cream he put on his pancakes.


"Dude please don't tell me you wanna fight him."

Yes, please don’t. We haven’t established if bullets can hurt hybrids yet. We don’t even know if they can hurt Maxwell, but for some reason I suspect that they don’t.

"No it's not that...but I'd kind of like to train with him" The gems looked at him confused.

"Um, may I ask why?" Pearl asked concerned.

"Well, I know you three trained him well..but you gave him training as a gem...I was thinking maybe showing him the human side of combat can help him progress more. I may not of known Rose well, but she helped me become a better being...so the least I can do is help be there for her precious kid."

Human side of combat? Steven’s human side is about empathy and change – not everything has to be about violent conflict, you sociopath.

The gems considered his offer together until Garnet spoke to him. "We'll think about it."

"Hehehe, good enough for me." He smiled as Steven came back with plates of his...creative dishes. He smiled as he looked at the four, thinking that maybe this was the start of something amazing.

Oh, it’ll amaze me alright. Amaze me at how such a self-indulgent and non-developed character like Maxwell should have any place in Steven Universe.


Could there be a more dumb and uninteresting character than the author’s OC at this point? A smug, self-centered blowhard utterly focused on achieving his own goals. Aside from giving him an unlimited supply of weapons, the author has now firmly established Max as being stronger than any of the Crystal Gems – because fifty years of “training” and using guns is apparently enough to become better than millennia old rebel soldiers. This isn’t Steven Universe anymore, it’s now the Maxwell Ignitus Show.

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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post Mar 19 2017, 08:25 AM
With the author now basking in the afterglow of his OC’s dominance establishment over characters who weren’t interested in fighting him in the first place, let’s see what he intends to maintain reader interest with. Enjoy.


Chapter 8: Who is Steven Universe?

The next morning everyone was in better shape. Max was doing his daily routine of stretches and exercises. Unfortunately it was earlier in the morning than Steven was used to. So the poor kid was woken up by Max's exercising.

The dude has an entire beach to work out on, and I doubt he’d complain about the cold. He’s just doing this for attention, isn’t he?

"Max? What are you doing? The sun isn't up yet."

"Oh sorry Steven, I'm trying to get back into my training schedule. I need to get stronger if I wanna do my next fight."

There are other things in life, Max. Get a hobby.

"What do you mean?"

"...well~ don't tell the gems yet, but next time I fight them, I want them all to fuse."

Should Maxwell even be aware of the concept? I guess Obsidian could have told him, but why would he then just assume that the Crystal Gems fuse with each other. I doubt he stuck around them long enough to learn that.

"You mean you wanna fight Alexandrite!?"

"Shh! Not so loud dude, what if they hear you?"

"Oh sorry...but that's just crazy...cool, but crazy."

"Well I need to get as strong as I can...who's Alexandrite?"

"Huh? That's Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl fused together."

"Oh so they have a name? Sorry, Obsidian and I don't know much about fusion, except that it's a relatively new thing for different gems to fuse."

In other words, you wanted to demand that the gems fuse for your sake, not knowing if they ever tried it, just so you could have a stronger sparring partner. There’s being inappropriate, and then there’s being completely unaware that other people have fucking feelings, dude.

"I see, but yeah! When the gems fuse, they don't just become two people squished together, but someone new!"

"Interesting...tell me more."

If he knew nothing about fusion before, why did he pick it as his next go-to solution to his ever raging violence boner?

"Gladly! Well there is Ruby and Sapphire who make Garnet-" He covers his mouth after saying that.

"...wait, Garnet is a fusion? That explains a lot. But why is she fused?"

"Well...it's because they love each other. Ruby and Sapphire love each other so much that they hate being apart, so they would fuse and be Garnet."

"...wow, that's beautiful to hear."

I can’t trace a single genuine emotion in any line delivery from this dweeb. “Wow, that’s beautiful,” or, “that’s… amazing,” does not convey any sort of emotional impact, because it’s all just words spoken by someone barely affiliated with the situations. It feels like all Max is doing, is nodding his head and saying whatever he needs to say in order to get his next adrenaline fix.

For the rest of the morning the two talk to each other, exchanging stories and knowledge of gems. Max even learns of two other gems who live in a barn not too far from Beach City.

"Lapis Lazuli and Peridot?"

"Yeah! I can't wait to introduce you to them."

Given Lapis’ water abilities and Peridot’s ability to move metal, they would seem like great candidates to ruin Maxwell’s fire and guns combo. But I’d also rather not have a protagonist that challenges everybody he sees to a fight, because that would make him a selfish sociopath, and whoops, I think that’s already the case.

Max chuckles, enjoying Steven's happy nature...it reminded him a lot of when he was little. Before they could continue, the doorway to the gems' room opens and Amethyst comes out, in a very sleepy state.

"Uh, hey there Amethyst, you okay?" He waves his hand I. amethyst face and she just keeps walking in a trance like state. She goes to the fridge and takes out an abundance of food.

Her kind of food or Steven’s kind of food? She’d eat the lightbulb in the fridge if she bothered screwing it out.

"Oh not again!"

"What's going on?"

"She's sleep eating, last time she did this, she ate all of my waffles."

Doesn’t really sound like something a gem should be capable off, what with lacking the need for sleeping. But then again, this totally sounds like something Amethyst would pretend to do, just to binge eat without blame.

Max snaps his fingers in Amethyst's face, trying to help her wake up.

"We gotta stop her, but how?"

Steven looks around worriedly, but Max gets an idea. He puts Amethyst's arm between two slices of bread.

We’re doing Tom & Jerry gags now? I guess now that Maxwell is done with them, all he’s going to use them for will be comedy relief.

"Wait what are you doing?"

"Just a solution to our problem that also doubles as a prank." He chuckles as Amethyst takes a bite out of her hand/sandwich.

"Yow!" Amethyst looks at her hand, finally awake. Max and Steven were laughing their butts off at her reaction.

Ha ha, much laugh, very lolz, can we get a fucking plot now?

"Sorry Amethyst, but it was the the only idea I had that involved you waking up, and making us laugh."

"Hehehe, you were sleep eating again Amethyst."

"Really? Well sorry, but no need to make me eat myself." She looks at her own hand curiously.

“I mean, I’ve tried it before, and it’s not that great. Vidalia says I need to be more flexible for it to feel good. I don’t get it, though.”

"Don't even think about it. I will body slam you."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Amethyst begrudgingly puts away the food.

"So what were you two talking about?"

"Oh nothing much, just trying to know my fellow half gem."

Dude, you’re not a half-gem. You’re a whole human plus a gem. There’s a difference.

"Hehehe, yeah! We're the half bros!" Steven said this with one of the happiest grins on his face. Max blushed a little, not expecting to be called a brother, but smiles and looks at Amethyst. "Yeah, half bros."

Please tell me you actually knows what a half-brother is, author, otherwise there’s a few things about family relations you should be aware of.

"Hehehe, more like the dork bros."

"You're just jealous~"

"Oh no, we don't wanna make Amethyst jealous! Come half bro, let us explore Beach City together!" Steven jumps happily, accidentally floating in the air a bit before landing.

Yeah, let’s ignore the potential emotional conflicts, which the show builds its plot around, and instead go and find more people the author avatar can woo with his awesomeness.

Max follows behind, happy to learn more about Steven. For the rest of the day they had fun going around, talking to the many citizens of Beach City, going to Steven's favorite places, and sharing more stories together. Soon they decided to relax on the beach, looking at the sunset together.

"...Sunsets are so weird."

I… what?

"Why? They're pretty."

"That's exactly why, they shine all of the colors in your eyes that help your mind feel better and overall happier."

"Wow...you really know a lot."

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I don’t know what wisdom the author thinks he has achieved, but the thoughts that Maxwell just spouted are about as vast and as deep as a bottle cap. We recognize the beauty of a sunset for the aesthetics of its colors, the fluidity of its repeated and daily movement, the sheer acknowledgement that we are gnats on a spinning sphere observing a burning ball of gas as it all hurdles through space. People throughout history have used poetry, similes, metaphors, and science to capture just how moving and pleasing the setting sun is, and how we both recognize its beauty and take it for granted. Yet all Max has to say about it is, “the light pleases my brain” – what a complete and utter waste of words.

"Well, when you're almost 70 years old, you learn a lot."

"I wish I was older, so then I could know a lot...then maybe I can make better choices."

Steven, last time you got older, you almost died and the gems were powerless to help you. No one wants another episode like that.

"You don't have to be in a hurry to grow up...you're plenty smart Steven. There are times I wished I stayed young, still so happy and seeing the beauty in the world...but at my age, I can only see the bad things. Yet with Obsidian… I remember there is still so much more, and many beautiful things in life still exist."

In other words, kids don’t know the world is shit, you thought it was shit, but now you don’t think it is shit. Is the world a wasteland or a wonderland – you can’t have fucking both.

"Yeah...my mom saw the beauty in everything...Rose Quartz was someone amazing…"

"...You can tell me what's wrong. I'd like you to think you can tell me anything. I'm not the gems or your dad...but I can be a friend, or brother...half bros."

You met yesterday! I know Steven is quick to bond with people, but we’ve learned that entire weeks can pass between scene transitions in a single episode. Give it some more time, dude.

"The thing is...I've learned that she did so much, some amazing things, and some...questionable things….she shattered Pink Diamond."

"...keep going, it's okay."

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but keep going – I’m just killing time until I can have another fight.”

"I understand she did it for the good of the people...but it's still so strange to me...and it's not just that. I know everyone says how they love me...but I feel like…" He slowly starts to cry. "...I feel like, if Rose stayed and I never existed….everyone would be so much happier."

"...I know that feeling….in my home, no one liked me, calling me a mistake, everyone hated my existence. There are still times I question why I keep living...but then I remember that there are plenty of reasons for you and me."

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Oh boy, a tragic background story of coming from a reasonless unloving family, as if we never saw that coming. Much like every other way our protagonist has abused the show’s plot thus far, this delivery is once again entirely selfish. Let me break down the above exchange for you.

Steven: “I feel as though my surrogate mothers resent me for existing, as my mother, their leader and friend, gave up her existence, so that I would have a chance at life.”

Maxwell: “Yeah, dude, I know what you mean. My family totally hated me – it’s basically the same thing.”

Max piggybacks on Steven’s insecurities to exposit on how his life has been oh so miserable – and not once does he consider to console Steven and explain to him that his family loves him and doesn’t feel that way. Employ some fucking empathy, you twat!

"What do you mean?"

"Well let's start with you. You may think everyone would be happier, but what about Connie? You were her first friend. And what about Lapis and Peridot? You told me how you helped them change their alliance to protect you and Earth. And while your dad and the gems may have grief inside them, you always brighten everything up. Your smile helps them get better everyday. If given the choice...they would happily keep you instead of getting Rose back."

The sentiment is nice, but it’s still basically like saying, “So what if your mothers hate you, you mean a lot to someone else.”

Steven was sniffling as he was crying hard, his words helping him feel a lot better.

"You do not have to define your existence as, Rose Quartz. You are Steven Quartz Universe, your life is your own."

This wasn’t about Steven living up to Rose, this was about how the gems feel about him existing instead of her. Were you not a part of your own conversation?!

He decided to hug Steven and let him cry. Soon the poor boy, falls asleep, too emotionally exhausted. He smiles and carries Steven back home, tucking him into bed.

"Is Steven okay?" Pearl comes over and checks Steven seeing the leftover dry tears under his eyes.

"We just had a big talk… I was just doing my job as a big brother." Pearl looks at him confused while Max walks to the couch to rest.

Because of course, he must establish himself as a pretend family member. How else will he not appear like the freeloading mooch that he so obviously is?


The author’s skin-suit is digging himself in for the long haul, it seems. Not only does he want to fight fusions of the Crystal Gems, he wants to wedge himself into Steven’s life as an older sibling figure. Hopefully, he’ll at least earn his keep and lend a hand to the main cast, as they go about trying to not have the planet be destroyed by an alien empire. But then again, everything so far has been just about him, his needs, his issues, his powers, so even that will probably be turned into a bore.

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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Post #12

Critically Sarcastic

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post Mar 28 2017, 12:52 PM
Here comes another chapter of Optimus Flambé and his adventures in Beach City. This time, the author begins building his own lore surrounding his volcanic addition to the show’s rock collection. Enjoy.


Chapter 9: Water and Fire

For the past few weeks, Maxwell has properly made his mark in Beach City, being a regular citizen to see. It was a relatively small city, pretty much everyone knew each other, and Max was glad to be a part of it.

Every city needs a weirdo, and Onion has been somewhat humanized by this point, so Max fits the bill, I guess.

He even managed to convince the gems to let him come for a mission, with the help of Steven of course. Things went exactly as planned...by which I mean all hell broke loose.

Reading this without the author’s intended use of irony implies that they fucked up the mission intentionally. I blame the new guy.

"AAAAHH!" Max was running away as fast as he can from a giant yellow gorilla like beast. It was 10 feet tall, and a visible corrupted gem was on its face. Max wanted to fight, but he was designated as bait for the gem. He didn't think flipping off the beast would make it so angry, but I guess yelling profanities at it didn't help.

It speaks a lot about Max’s character, that he thought doing any of that was necessary.

"Where are you guys!? Hurry before this dirty ape rips my head off!"

He soon ran into a dead end, a cliff in front of him, and a corrupted gem barreling toward him at full speed.

"Why do I always get into these situations?"

Unless the jaundice ape is going to crawl into your mouth, I don’t think this counts as a repeated situation. Also, you had one job, bait boy – you should know where to lead the target to.

Max pulled out his shotgun and aimed at the beast. Before he could fire though, a giant shadow appears behind. He looks and sees a massive hand made of water rising from the ocean under the cliff. He looked with wide eyes as the hand smashed the beast, making it poof back into just a gem.

Encore! Do Max next!

"What the f-" He's interrupted by someone clearing her throat. It was a another gem being...she was blue with a look in her eyes that spoke of a taxing history. He didn't understand it, but he felt Obsidian inside him, anger welling inside her, and all of it directed to the blue gem.

Why the hostility, Obsidian? If anything, Lapis can related to being trapped inside a flat tool.

Before either of them could speak, a certain voice yells out that made them both perk up.

"Lapis! Max!" Steven came running with the Crystal Gems.

"Lapis! It's great to see you again, but what are you doing here?"

"Peridot told me to get you, she didn't give me the details, just said it's extremely important...so who's your friend?"

Call me suspicious, but how exactly did Lapis know where to find Steven? The Crystal Gems aren’t exactly in the habit of leaving notes on where to find them, when they go on missions.

Lapis looked at Max cautiously. It seems her strange aggression toward him was similar to Obsidian's.

I thought it was pretty similar to mine, actually.

"Oh that's Max, he's a human who mixed with a gem named Obsidian."

"That's the short and sweet version, but yeah I guess that's it. By the way, where were you four? I was running from the ape the whole time!"

"Sorry, we tried following you but the gem's rampage made so much rubble that we could barely catch up."

In other words, Max ran in the opposite direction of where he was supposed to go. Why did they need to bait the thing in the first place? I’m not saying the gems couldn’t have made up a complex plan, it’s just that they, well, never do and just attack head on.

Max rolled his eyes but smiled, he couldn't stay mad at them.

"So it's nice to meet you Lapis, a friend of Steven is...an acquaintance of mine."

Why must every joke the author makes portray his OC like an asshole?

"Hmm…" She just stared at Max before turning to Steven with a smile. "So can you come? I can fly you to the barn."

"Sure! We can bring Max too, I wanted to show him the barn too!"

Sure, just as soon as you install a second seat on Lapis’ back.

Lapis didn't look eager to hang out with Max, but couldn't say no to Steven.

"Okay...but i'm not carrying him"

"That's okay, I'm faster on foot anyways." The tension between the two of them was so thick, you needed a chainsaw to cut it, yet Steven was completely oblivious.

Which is really out of character for Steven, I must say. When has the kid ever not noticed people being upset and subsequently decided to try to fix it?

"Great! Let's go!"

After helping the gems get the corrupted gem bubbled,

Because that’s something you can help with, apparently.

Max, Lapis, and Steven made their way to the barn safely. There Max can see a short, panicky looking green gem with a yellow triangle of hair, pacing back and forth.

"By basic deduction, I'm guessing this is Peridot?"

"Yeah! Don't worry, she's really nice...once you get to know her."

“And if she asks, Camp Pining Hearts is the superior show to whichever series she will have you compare it to – any other answer will only result in pain.”

The trio walked toward Peridot, snapping her out of her trance.

"Lapis! You brought Steven! Perfect, now I can…" She stared at Max with a face that can only be described as a mixture of fear and the face a cat makes when it doesn't like someone they first meet. "What is this human doing here?"

Getting a tour of your home like it’s the Universe family’s sideshow attraction. Really, at what point does it become inappropriate to show off your friend’s home to strangers?

"Oh this is my half bro, Max!"


"He's half human and half gem, kinda like me, just not with his mom inside him."

Although, with what little we’ve heard of his family, I’m sure she was a bitch, and I see so much of her in him in that regard.

"Interesting." She walks up to Max curiously….and kicks him in the shin.

"Ow! You little gremlin, if you weren't Steven's friend I'd incinerate you!"

Attached Image

Inappropriately aggressive response to minor physical infraction. When will you not act like a sociopath, Maxwell?

"Oh please, humans have no abilities over fire."

"Obsidian dwells within me, I have all the properties of a volcano and more." He grins and puffs his cheeks before blowing a puff of white smoke in Peridot's face, making her cough comically.

I guess the “properties of a volcano” would include smelling like sulfur. No wonder he can make creatures without the need of respiration cough with his mere breath.

"Come on, no need to fight." Steven once again tries to be the angelic diplomat of the group.

"Fine, I have something important to show you anyways! I have improved my charts of information involving the characters of Camp Pining Hearts!" Peridot smiled while Max looked at her with a look of disbelief. "You brought Steven all the way here to show him your shipping chart?...well I've heard of worse reasons."

Yeah, and its called wanting to fight for your own petty need of validation.

"Don't worry Max, we can hang out afterwards."

"Hurry Steven! Statistics wait for no one!" Peridot pulls Steven into the barn, leaving Max and Lapis alone.

"So what's your story?"

Well, since she’s the only one to actually have one…

"...trapped in a mirror, tried to go home, made a prisoner, fused with someone to keep them underwater, split up and now living with her." She points to Peridot who is running around trying to explain something to a dumbfounded Steven.

Why would he be dumbfounded? The kid is into the show enough that he could accurately denounce its fifth season as being trash.

"Quite a history….look I know we obviously don't like each other, but maybe you can help me out. I've only had 50 years of experience as a gem, which is relatively short to you. Any reason why you and Obsidian have such animosity."

"It's simple, Lapis Lazulis and Obsidians don't mix well. They are opposites who want nothing to do with each other."

“You’d think this would be the case between Lapis Lazulis and Rubies, too. But nope, just Obsidians – seems a bit strange how that is, really.”

"I see...a shame, I wanted to try fighting you, you seem strong. But I don't want to fight if hatred is fueling me. Maybe my human side can be a bit of a barrier, I want us to have a more positive relationship. Last thing I want is to make an enemy...plus I don't wanna make Steven sad."

"...I guess we can try...for Steven."

"Hehehe, was is it with that kid and making so many friends that care for him?"

Maybe it has to do with caring for others and trying to avoid violent conflict. You know, all the things you don’t do.

Lapis just shrugs. The two don't converse much, they mostly just lay around and feel like garbage. It was surprisingly very therapeutic.

One might even say it was a step towards self-discovery.

She showed him around the barn, Peridot's meepmorps, and the various items they have. After a couple of hours, Steven was let free from Peridot's rantings.

"Now I'm sure that was a lot. To take in, but I assure you it all makes sense."

“I assure you, they may just be inanimate objects, but the poutine and canoes are perfect for each other.”

"Uh, sure." Steven looked ready to pass out.

"...can we stay over Lapis? Steven looks tired and it's kinda late."

The nearest warp pad is just down the hill, thirty seconds at a brisk walk, tops.

"Sure Max, we got some human beds here." She smiles softly as she helps Steven into bed.

"Thanks" He smiles happily at her, glad that she and Obsidian weren't hostile anymore. He gets into bed and let's his eyes close. Maybe water and fire don't have to be enemies after all.

Back at the temple, Garnet rolls all three of her eyes in exasperation.

Author's note: Hey everybody, just wanted to say it's awesome that so many of you are following and favoriting my story. I honestly wasn't expecting anyone to enjoy it, so I've decided to take some suggestions for chapters.

Because if you don’t actually have a story to tell, just let your readers make shit up for you.

I probably won't do everyone's ideas, but this way we can help keep chapters coming while I think of ideas for the main story to progress. Thank you and I hope you have a good Labor Day.

Am I the only one that finds that to be a contradictory name for a holiday?


The more I read of this, the more I can see that the author cares only for his self-insert. If it’s not about Maxwell or his possibly involuntary gem parasite, then it’s not worthy of being included in the story. For all of Steven’s presence, he’s only there as an excuse for Max to go somewhere. At least the author doesn’t seem to be leeching off the show’s story, and actually makes stuff up to support his OCs presence. Which means it could go anywhere from here. And yet, all I can see is idiocy on the horizon.

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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Post #13

Advanced Member

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post Mar 28 2017, 03:57 PM
One of the morals of Steven Universe seems to be that Steven's empathy, positive attitude and childlike wonder make him all his friends. It seems contradictory to the tone of the show this dude is such a fan of to have Maxwell House and his stringent, constant cynicism bail him out of any predicament.

Also, it doesn't get said as often, but good job. You've been top-tier on the bantz for the past few chapters.

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Mar 28 2017, 03:57 PM

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Post #14
N. Harmonik


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post Mar 30 2017, 02:14 AM
Ever wonder why it is that OCs in positive shows such as this tend to be edgy?

Rest in peace, Brian Jacques and Jean-Yves Raimbaud!
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Post #15

Critically Sarcastic

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post Apr 5 2017, 03:26 PM
Thanks for the praise, truthordeal. Always nice to hear that people enjoy the fruits of my labor. As for the matter of edginess that N. Harmonik brings up, yes, that is a curious thing. There could be many explanations, ranging from the appeal of contrasting with the show’s tone, to misunderstanding the theme, and to simply succumbing to the dark and gritty tropes that seem to appeal to a larger part of fanfic writer demographics; i.e. hormonal teens with too much time on their hands. Casting blame on a single reason would be flawed, but I think we all can see the biggest target here.

On to the mock. We ended at the barn, so we’re starting at the barn. And Maxwell continues to spread his presence across the show’s world like stale mayonnaise. Not much else to say, really. Enjoy.


Chapter 10: Barn Shenanigans

Author's note: extra special thanks for FanficLovingPerson and halitelp for being one of the first people to review, favorite, and follow my story.

And if I am ever in the need of selling my soul, I now know how.

After sleeping in the barn, Max was definitely surprised when he woke up to a cute green gremlin poking his forehead. So surprised that he accidentally yelled out and woke up Steven.

The sooner Steven finds a way to sleep in a separate room from this asshole, the better he’ll be off.

"W-what's going on?! Is homeworld attacking?!"

"No your green friend was poking me and was like an inch from my face."

Well, you basically invited yourself to crash at their home, so I wouldn’t blame them for sending overt signals of wanting you to leave.

Peridot was currently hiding behind a slightly amused Lapis.

"Hehehe, is that all? Well at least it helped me wake up."

And uncovered some rather surface-near fears concerning the looming threat from space, but why should we be interested in dwelling on those?

Steven and Lapis decided to spend the day together to catch up and rekindle some "Beach Summer Fun Buddies" spirit, whatever that meant. This left Max and Peridot alone and...h-hey wait!

Alone are me, the lovable Peridot, and this strange human. Instead of a hybrid like Steven, it seems to have assimilated a gem within him. Further research is needed, gah!

Hey this is my story, I'm telling it!...ahem, sorry about that.

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What can I even say about this? What the author wants to be a fourth wall joke not only breaks any and all narrative immersion, it also fucks up the way we view the story. Every paragraph has now become the author’s self-insert regaling us with his adventures while referring to himself in third person. None of the events we read about are actually taking place, as Max may as well be sitting in an empty room and talking to a wall. It also once more shows how self-absorbed Max is as a character, because this isn’t just a story about him, no, this is HIS story that HE is telling us himself. And because this narration has been hidden from us, the joke didn’t even have the chance to be funny. Failure on all fucking accounts.

Max didn't really know how to interact with Peridot, she seemed very creative, and possibly passionate, but she's just the kind of person, or gem, that easily ticks people off.

"So um. How do you know Steven?"

I responded appropriately.

It's appropriate to hiss at someone?


Neither the events nor the fucking narration change makes sense or is the least bit funny. This is just painful.

Anyways, we didn't start off well. I decided to try and watch Camp Pining Hearts, just to see what made her so interested in it.

Camp Pining Hearts is a very complex and dramatic show, with very interesting subtext and-

It was basically a cheesy high school romance story taking place at a camp. I did not really enjoy the show, but it was very interesting to see how Peridot gained so much information from one episode and put it into a chart that really drawer my scientific interests.

We learned that there were at least five seasons of the show when Lapis moved into the barn, dumbass. I doubt Peridot would still be stuck on that one episode that Steven introduced her to.

While it disturbs me how you cannot enjoy a masterpiece such as Camp Pining Hearts, I will forgive you since you were listening and taking part in my extremely intellectual findings.

Right, now give me back the microphone, you're making me lose track of whether to stay first person or third person.

And I’m losing track of how many times I’ve fantasized about gouging my eyes out with an ice-cream scooper.

So the bond between Max and Peridot was iffy, but it wasn't too bad...at least not until a prank went wrong.

Max decided to let Peridot study his body and obsidian hand, but after she went too far and tried to inspect an area down south, Max decided to get back at her.

"Hey little miss Handsy, I got a better idea. Instead of going to m rated territory. I have something better to show you.

Can you speak in any way like a normal person, Max? Just tell her ‘no’, we don’t need to imagine Peridot fondling your junk.

"What do you mean?"

"Look closely at my left hand." He puts his hand on the desk, in close view for Peridot. Then he shapeshifts his gem hand into a scythe. With a quick slice, his removes his left hand.

Peridot only stared for a solid 10 seconds before screaming loudly in fear.

"Oh no, my hand is gone." Max just chuckles while Peridot keeps screaming.

Fantastical dismemberment powers. How nice. Also, what?!

"Now this is the best part." He grabs the sliced off hand and puts it back on his arm like it never happened.

"H-huh? But how is that possible?"

"Well, gem bodies are just an astral projection right? Well with enough focus, I can make it so a part of my body is made of light, just like the projection. The drawback is that, if I were to do it for my whole body, I'd be drained of all energy."

That is nowhere near what the word ‘astral’ means, but fine. Max can make his body turn into light constructs, somehow, rendering the matter of his flesh and internal anatomy immaterial. Yet another piece of evidence that he is no longer any sort of human being. Honestly, I don’t even buy that he’s a gem, because that kind of damage would undoubtedly dissipate a gem’s physical form. He’s just whatever the author thinks is cool.


After that, Max and Peridot decided to do calmer activities, Peridot sharing her vast intellect with machinery, and Max sharing some of the technological advances of humans, and his own creations.

He made more than the cloak?!

Lapis soon flew back to the sight of the two nerds talking about his cloak.

"An inter dimensional portal in something so light and thin, yet comfortable and fashionable? I must say I'm impressed, but I bet I could easily make something far better."

"Just remember to show it to me when you're done."

Why? So you can weaponized it and use it for nothing but violence?

"...I leave for one day, and now the nerds are multiplying."

"Hehehe, awe is someone jealous?" Max teases her playfully, and Lapis just sticks her tongue out at him.

"Well this was fun, I'm guess I got Steven is back home?"

Sentence am structure good, yes?


"Perfect. I'll make sure to come visit sometime. I'll see you two later."

"Wow, thanks."

"Don't lie, you're already sad I'm leaving." Peridot just hisses at him. Max just rolls his eyes as he makes his way back to the Crystal Gems.

Did Max think Peridot was being sarcastic? Were we meant to think she were? Is this really what the author wants to give his readers? Wow… thanks.


What did this chapter do? Nothing. The answer is nothing. We learned nothing, nothing was accomplished, all that happened was that Max asserted himself and showed off to Steven’s friends. Oh, and Max can pull off stage magician tricks now, so… yay? I’m still happy that we aren’t just retreading old episodes of the show, but I hope something actually happens soon – we’ve had ten chapters about nothing but Maxwell alone so far.

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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post Apr 5 2017, 04:21 PM
It comes as no surprise that FanficLovingPerson would find this to be an enjoyable use of his time.

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post Apr 28 2017, 10:37 AM
We’re on to the next chapter, and finally something seems to be happening. Now that the author has exhausted his possibilities of having his self-insert introduce himself to more cast members, it’s time for the plot to arrive. And it does so in just about the most nonsensical way possible. Enjoy.


Chapter 11: Mystery at the Mayor's Mansion

For a while, things seemed pretty calm. Maxwell got to take part in some missions with the gems, fortunately not as bait.

They figured he’d work much better as a human shield.

Yet despite his accomplishments, the gems were still not ready to let Steven train with him. He never asked, but Max knew the gems didn't fully trust him. Was it Obsidian's corruption?

What about the fact that Max’s only motivation is fighting, whereas everyone else acts out of love?

He wasn't sure, but he was determined to try and gain their trust. Until then, he would just secretly show Steven some small tricks he can do, and maybe educate him a bit more on the real world.

The real world? Steven may be a bit sheltered, but he’s not exactly naïve. If anything, Max is the one who is unaware of the real world. I’m not even talking about that wasteland he moaned about in the first chapter – Homeworld is breathing down their necks, and Max hasn’t even acknowledged it.

During one of their talks though, Greg and Connie came to the front of the house and were calling out to Steven.

"And that is why you never- what is that noise?" Max and Steven go out the front door to see Greg holding up a flyer.

"Steven! We were invited to a party at the Mayor's new mansion!" Connie explained excitedly.

Attached Image

I dread to imagine what this man could conceivably consider a party.

Steven and Greg definitely looked excited, but Max was a bit confused?

"A new mansion? Why is tax money going into a mansion?"

"Oh the mansion is to help house the important visitors from Empire City. If Mayor Dewey and all the citizens make a good impression, Beach City could be given a huge grant of money! I could probably get a new car wash?"

Why the hell would Mayor Dewey need to impress someone from an out-of-state city? I could understand if he wanted to gain investor interests, but what does Empire City have to do with this?

"Maybe remodel the library!"

"Or maybe funland can get bigger and better!"

Everyone was absolutely ecstatic, but Max couldn't help but be unable to shake away a bad feeling.

Exactly what other than author-given foresight justifies this bad feeling of his? This is great news for the town – is Max simply a pessimist?

"So who are invited? Is there a specific list?"

"Nope, everyone in Beach City can come."

"Including the gems?"

Greg's smile turned to shock as he remembered that Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl were prone to bringing danger around them. "Uh oh."

Since when? The gems may have their awkward, human interaction moments, but it’s not like they’re sitcom level, comedy routine danger magnets. If it were Lapis and Peridot on the other hand, then you might have a point.

Yet Steven just smiled wide. "It'll be okay! It's a party, we'll all have a fun time, then we'll get the money, and everybody wins!"

"That's the spirit, tell you what Greg, I'll inform the gems about it, and make sure everything is danger proof.

Who said they’re even interested in going? Free food and drinks are only good if you actually have a need to consume it.

"That's...actually a real relief to hear. We'll take Steven to get him ready for the party, and we'll meet at the party at 6:00."

"Sounds perfect."

For the next few hours, everybody was getting ready for the big shindig at the mansion. Fortunately this was enough time for Max to explain the situation to the gems and help them get ready while making sure every possible problem was accounted for.

I’d like to see that checklist. Would it include ‘Alien invasion’, I wonder.

It wasn't too long before it was 6:00 and everyone was at the front of the mansion. Right on time, Mayor Dewey opens the doors and invites everybody in.

"Welcome beloved citizens of Beach City! Please feel free to enjoy yourself, but remember to use the coasters."

Everyone rushed into the mansion, enjoying themselves and having a grand time.

Max couldn't help but act like an usher, making sure everything was fine, even being mindful when people were using plastic knifes.

I think the word you’re looking for is “party pooper”, author.

"I don't know what you and Greg were so worried about everything seems to be just fine." Amethyst commented as she drank some punch.

"Maybe...but I can't shake away this feeling…"

It’s called paranoia, Max, and it’s not healthy.

He looks and sees Mr. Smiley getting some punch, right next to one of the Empire City visitors, a rather old man. The senior citizen tried to pour some punch into his cup, but ended up pouring it on Mr. Smiley's shirt.

"Oh I'm sorry sonny." Mr. Smiley was definitely forcing a smile, but waved it off.

"T-that's okay. It's just punch."

And a serious case of either cataracts or Parkinson’s – did Mr. Smiley wear a cup print on his shirt, or was the old man shaking like the Cluster was emerging?

The senior tried to get more punch, but ended up spilling the whole bowl all over Mr. Smiley's pants. Everyone gasped and stared at the scene, Mr. smiley looked ready to snap.

"Y-you senile geezer, I-I'm gonna-" He was cut off as the lights flicker, shutting of for a good 10 seconds. Warning sirens were going off in Max's head, every instinct in his body telling him something was wrong.

Well, yeah, clearly you didn’t tell Pearl not to make any more anti-robonoid weapons.

Once the lights come back on, the scene before them was something nobody ever thought would happen in Beach City. Sure there were gem attacks, but no one ever really got hurt. But this was something different. Mr. Smiley lost his smile as he looked at the senior citizen on the floor.

The old man was decapitated...his head off his body and bleeding all over the floor.

Attached Image

Oh, great. A mansion murder mystery, how original. Also, what, why, how? I mean, I wanted this story to pick up, but what point does an old man’s death serve? The only mystery I’m seeing here, is how this is at all relevant to the story.

A scream was heard, everyone started panicking. People were crying, some tried to leave the mansion, but the doors were locked. Buck Dewey grabs a chair and tries to break open a window, but the chair breaks instead.

"What's going on!?"

"Why are we trapped?"

"Who killed this man."

Well, as far as I can guess, it’s either a severely vicious corrupted gem, that somehow got stuck in the mansion’s foundation – or it’s some kind of villain, that the author couldn’t figure out how to introduce to the plot naturally.

At the last question, some eyes turned to Mr. Smiley, considering he was the closest on to the old man before the lights turned off.

"W-wait! Sure I was mad, b-but I would never kill someone!"

Accusations were thrown around, people questioning each other, fear controlling their minds.

Can we just get one of the gems to smash the doors and let everyone out already?

A bang was heard and everyone looks toward Max, who shot his pistol into the air.

Trust me on this one, Max. Gun shots are about the last thing that’s going to calm down a room full of people looking for a murderer.

"Everyone shut up and listen. I'm afraid to say it, but this man has been murdered. We also appear to be trapped in this mansion. Now with that out of the way, I will tell you all this, this is not a simple killing. Someone planned this, to put all of the citizens of Beach City here and trap us, possibly planning to kill us all. But they made one mistake, they kept me in here. I am Maxwell Ignitus, an ally of the Crystal Gems. I will make sure the rest of you good people will get out of here safely, but before we do that. We must find out who the murderer is. No one can be ruled out. The lights were out for 10 seconds, which is actually a lot of time for the murder to take place, and for the killer to blend into the crowd. This will not be easy, but with all of your cooperation, I promise to save everyone!"

Max, I wouldn’t trust you to head a scout team, much less a Poirot style sleuth case. You are a self-centered, violence-fixated, overconfident gem-creature with bullshit super powers. Standing up and claiming that you’re not only going to protect everyone in the room, but also find the culprit of the murder, is a claim for which you have zero credibility. If it weren’t for Garnet’s somehow completely absent future vision just now, I’d give fucking anything for her to sit you down in a chair and take over – because right now, these people need someone with leadership skills, not whatever the fuck you have besides your ego.

After Max's speech, Max organized everyone to be separated safely, and watched over all of the Crystal Gems. Max sighed sadly, thinking this place was safe from the evil of the world...how wrong he was.

This place was fine until you showed up, Max. You want to talk about bringing danger around you; look in a fucking mirror.

"I have to say, I'm impressed with how you took control of the situation." Garnet looked at Max, standing next to him.

"I wasn't lying when I said I would protect everyone. I've seen enough terrible things, I do not want this great city to be hurt."

Alright, sure, and while everyone with a cellphone is busy calling the police, what will you be doing?

"I understand...what have you found out so far?"

"Well, the old man was Executive Bert Sherman. He was 65 years old, pretty old, but he was healthy. The decapitation wasn't simple, according to the tears to the flesh, the weapon used was a serrated machete. I questioned the mayor, and he said the mansion was given plexiglass windows, so no bullets can break through. So there is no easy way to break out. We know the killer couldn't have escaped through the windows or doors. So the killer is here with us, but we don't know who. I do not wish to question anyone, I want to believe in everyone."

Attached Image

You act as if questioning people is the only way to figure this mystery out. If the killer planned all of this, clearly he had a hand in making the mansion have bulletproof glass, because why the fuck would Mayor Dewey invest in that? Just question Dewey about his contractors. If Max, who is now a forensics expert all of a sudden, can tell that the murder weapon had to be a machete, then he doesn’t need to question people as a first – just go and find it. I’m going to ignore how the murder could have been committed in complete silence, and just point out that maybe looking for more clues around the scene would probably be in his best interest, too. And finally, if Max isn’t hooked on the idea of the murderer being someone from Beach City, how about questioning the ones who aren’t?!

"...I understand, but please don't hesitate to talk to me, Pearl, or Amethyst."

"Okay, where's Steven?"

"Don't worry, he's with Greg and the other families, Pearl is watching over them."

You know, this situation would have been a lot tenser if the gems specifically didn’t come along. Right now, they’re just here so that Max can outshine them in their presence.

Max nods as he starts looking around, trying to find any useful evidence. As he searches the area though, Steven walks up to him.

"Hey buddy, you holding up well?"

"I-I guess...it's just, I wanna thank you for making sure everyone is safe. I thought things would get worse."

Had the author cared to make this story interesting, I couldn’t see a reason for why Steven or the gems shouldn’t mistrust Max at this very moment. He shows up out of the blue one day, picks fights with everyone he can, takes charge as if to exclude himself from being a suspect, plus a gem weapon would be a perfectly disposable murder weapon. But then the author wouldn’t be able to have his self-insert save the day, so why do I even bother?

"Don't worry Steven, we just gotta…."

"What's wrong?"

"...wind…" Max looks around, and ignites one finger, seeing it seem to sway in one direction.

Best hope it’s not a gas leak you’re sensing there.

He follows where the fire is going and looks at a big portrait of Mayor Dewey. "Dewey, when did you put up these portraits?"

"Oh um, they went up immediately."

"Is that so?" Max rips down the portrait, revealing a large gap in the wall, a hidden entrance that goes deeper into the mansion.

"What do we have here? The killer possibly escaped through here."

Or he could still be in the other room ready to kill another faceless character. Or is this the same room? I have a hard time telling with the lack of descriptions.

Amethyst summoned her whip and walked to the entrance. "Well what are we waiting for? Let's go get em!"

"No Amethyst, if we all go, then the people will we left vulnerable. You all need to stay here." Despite saying this, Steven ran up to him, a determined look on his face."

"At least let me come."

"Absolutely not, I will not risk your life."

Hey, Steven could just fuse with Connie and they’d be able to help out better. Hang on, is Connie even here? She sort of just disappeared, even though she was invited too.

"But I can help! I have shield powers and healing spit."

Greg comes up and puts a hand on his shoulder. "Look Steven, this is too dangerous, I can't risk you getting hurt." Steven resigns and stays back.

"I'll make it back, stay safe everyone." Max sighs as he walks into the dark corridor, using the fire on his hand as his only light.

Why can’t secret passages ever have lights installed in them? They’re meant to be used by someone, why would they want to risk tripping themselves?

Max traversed the strange hidden hallway carefully, intent to find some clues. As he searches he finds small lights coming into the hallway. He looks through these little holes to see that the killer could see everyone from here.

"Hmm, why go through all of this to kill someone?"

Hmm, why write all of this to bore someone?

A shadowy figure walks quietly behind, before it could get close though, Max turns around and points his shotgun at the figure and shines his light at it….showing it to just be Steven.

"Jesus Christ, Steven! I almost shot you! What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't stay behind, I had to help you...who's Jesus?"

Yeah, I was about to ask that, but this just makes it more confusing. If Christianity and the Jesus myth isn’t a thing in the show, as Steven is clearly indicating, then why would Max still use the expression? Are we back to fourth wall shenanigans again?

"Don't worry about it, how did you get here?"

"I have my ways~"

"You bribed Amethyst, didn't you?"


"Whatever, I'm taking you back."

"Aw man." Just as Max was about to lead Steven back to the main room, he saw something glimmer and he pushes Steven out of the way, just for a machete to plunge into the wall.

So, the windows of this mansion are bulletproof, but the walls can’t stop a machete? What kind of shoddy craftsmanship is this?

"The killer!" Max aimed his gun as the killer ran away. He fired and hit it's shoulder, but the shadowy killer kept running. Max and Steven followed as fast as they can, but the killer seems to have escaped.

"We lost them!"

Where? Does the passage split up? Is there a maze? Does it lead outside? Descriptions, man!

"We better go back." Max sighs as he and Steven go back to the main room, and everyone looks to Max expectantly.

Pearl and Greg run up to Steven. "Steven! How could you run after Max in such a dangerous place? You're grounded from TV for the next 1000 years!"

"It's okay Pearl, if it wasn't for Steven, I wouldn't have found the clue I needed."

"Huh?" Pearl looks at Max as he smirks and grabs something off of Steven. A pin that says Vote for Dewey.

"Now what was this doing in the corridor? Huh Dewey?"

It’s a campaign pin. He probably gives those out like candy. Literally anyone passing through town could have picked it up. Moreover, why are you claiming to have found it in the corridor, only to then take it off of Steven? Things were dumb before, but this is where they stopped making any sense.

Everyone looks at Mayor Dewey accusingly, making him sweat on the spot.

"N-now that can't be right, I'm not the killer!"

"But in a way it makes sense. By killing the Executive, you hoped to worm your way into Empire City by using fake sympathy for his death, and get the grant for the city."

Yeah, and I’m sure whatever bleeding heart philanthropist sitting on all the free cash will be just ecstatic to funnel money into a tourist town with a newly minted reputation of murder. This motive would be laughed off even the worst episode of Scooby-Doo, and even so, Max is forgetting something important. He just shot the murderer in the shoulder. Unless Dewey is gushing blood or has developed the upper body strength to throw machetes at wall-impaling force, then I don’t think he did it. Heck, how about questioning people if he was present while Max and Steven were assaulted. I have never seen a more incompetent piece of detective work in my life.

"P-please! I'm no killer!"

"Sorry Dewey, but you're suspect #1." Max walked over to Dewey to apprehend him, but then the lights flicker. There shouldn't have been anytime. In just a few seconds Max made his flames brighter, but it was too late.

Mayor Dewey, and in his chest was a machete.

Yeah, hey, how about since the killer relied on a blackout the first time around, that you started relying on light sources that aren’t under someone else’s control?

"NO!" It was Buck, running to his dad's side.

"B-but how? There was no time, I was right here."

Whispers can be heard, everyone accusing Max. He was the one with so many weapons, and he was the least trusted person in Beach City, only being here for about a month.

What about the other people from Empire City? But I digress, at least they’re suspicious of him now. But now I just get the feeling that these murders are about Maxwell – everything else has been so far.

Max couldn't believe it, his will wavering as the people glowered at him.

"Everybody stop!" Steven stands in front of Max. "Max is not the killer, he's one of my best friends, he's been such a kind guy, he's helped everyone and tries to keep you safe. He even risks his life to find the killer."

Steven, dude, how about testifying to have seen Max and the killer in the same fucking room? Emotional appeals can’t carry an entire case.

He wasn't alone though, the gems backed up Steven, showing their support in protecting Max. Soon everyone was silent, still scared of the possible killer.

"But who else can be the killer? There are no clues, except for…"

Max looks at the dead bodies carefully. He walks closer to Buck and gently pushes him off. "This isn't your dad."

"What are you talking about?"

My words exactly. When is the story going to make sense again?

"Trust me." Max takes out his gun and fires out the dead body, only for the lights to flicker rapidly. Both corpses disappeared.

"What's going on!?"

"There was never an Executive, just some imposter!" No one was dead, it was a relief to say that, but there was definitely someone trying to hurt everyone.

What? What are we dealing with here? Holograms? Cloud clones? What?!

"Uh, M-max." Greg stutters as he and everyone else disperses...there were two Steven's, looking completely identical.

"Huh?" They even spoke in sync. "What? No wait, I'm the real Steven! No I am! Stop copying me!"

No one knew what to do, everyone was just in stunned silence. It wasn't until Max stepped up and reloaded his shotgun, that everyone murmured worriedly.

Max, slow down, for all we know this could be time travel – I know it doesn’t make sense, but nothing else does at the moment. Now is not the time to test if gem hybrids are immune to bullets.

"Steven is a good kid, you won't be able to copy him so easily. Here are some questions. Question one, what is Steven's favorite treat?"

"Cookie Cat!" They responded simultaneously.

"Question two, what's the name of the Crystal Gems?"

"Easy, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, and Steven!"

I’m pretty sure Peridot and Lapis would have made that list by now, so they’re both wrong. Fire away, Max.

"Question three,...who is Rose Quartz?"

"My mom." Says one Steven, but the other one has a sad and conflicted look. "Well, she turned into me, or is me...I'm not so sure lately."

"Well there's your answer." Max aims at the Steven who answered first and fires, blowing it's head clean off...only for the body and head to melt and reveal a swarm of miniature robots. They currently are too broken to work, but it seems that they work together to look exactly like a person.

Miniature robots? How didn’t they notice this upon examining the decapitated corpse? Why even have the secret passages? Who would make the robots? Why? Who has the fucking resources? Who built this crazy mansion? How many fucking plotholes can you dig before trying to fill them up again?!

With some investigating, the real Mayor Dewey and Executive were found. They were tied up in the basement of the mansion. As thanks for being saved, the Executive gives the grant to Beach City. Everyone seemed so happy, but Max wasn't satisfied. Someone sent those swarm bots, as he's decided to call them, to attack everyone. Max knew there was a new enemy, and he wasn't going to lose.

I hate the stock mysterious and unknown villain trope. It’s a cheap way of making an otherwise unimpressive personality more menacing. But if this faceless enemy can get Max to focus on something else than fighting the gems like a hobo hyped on meth, I’ll let it slide – for now.

Author's note: wow this took long! I hope you all enjoy this. Still wanna let you all know I'll still take suggestions until I say otherwise. Sorry if this seems rushed, until next time!

I have a suggestion. Try to make sense.


I doubt Homeworld would go through the trouble of manufacturing tiny, people impersonating robots for the purpose of doing Halloween pranks, so this new threat we’re introduced to has to be terrestrial in origin. And I’ll bet its someone with some kind of grudge against Maxwell – because this story can’t stop being about him. If it isn’t, I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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post Apr 28 2017, 12:46 PM
The senior tried to get more punch, but ended up spilling the whole bowl all over Mr. Smiley's pants.

How do you spill an entire bowl of punch in one concentrated spot? That makes the least amount of sense to me out of everything not actually important to the mystery.

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post Apr 28 2017, 06:23 PM
Confession time: I have a fondness for mansion murder mysteries. I feel that with a good set up, well written characters, and a decent knowledge of common horror tropes, they can become quite engaging, provided that the author knows what they're doing. This author is not one of those people. Not only was the damn thing too short to be satisfying, but that cop out at the end was flat out insulting. What's the point of writing a murder mystery, if NOBODY dies?! Who would go to the trouble of inviting everyone, just so they can bump them off? What the hell is with the robots that can turn into duplicate copies of people? Why did the author think this was a good idea to write?

And I like how the self-insert fired a shotgun, at the fake-Steven in point-blank range. Can you imagin what would have happened if he had shot the real one by mistake?

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Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
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Critically Sarcastic

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post May 7 2017, 03:56 AM
@Billybob McJoe: If something doesn't make sense from now on, blame it on robots. Its what the author is doing.

@GorillaGamer: Nothing wrong with a good mansion murder mystery. I just wish the author wouldn't have explicitly shoved everyone into an actual mansion and then kick if off with a full-on-but-not-really murder. Steven Universe is good at subverting tropes and subtlety. It didn't have to be a mansion, and it didn't have to be murder - which it wasn't, but that's besides the point. The story could have been fine if the cast got stuck in a ruin or a cave, and something or someone was picking them off one by one. But the author avatar needed people to save and to distrust him, so that he can excuse his angst. It was obvious and contrived, is my point.

After the *yawn* pulse pounding excitement of the last chapter, our intrepid protagonist does, well, not much. Apparently, the author thinks we need a wind down chapter just as the plot kicks off. At least it still manages to offend the source material that this fanfic is based on, so mocking engines are still going full speed. Enjoy.


Chapter 12: Feels, Fusions, and Funks

….It's been over a week ever since the party at the Mayor's mansion. Some police and investigators came to find any evidence to help them find the culprit, but somehow there was absolutely nothing.

An entire mansion built with hidden entrances to secret pathways, lights remotely rigged to go out, doors and windows made to imprison visitors, and not so much as a fucking receipt from the contractors?! No one was around to see who built it?!

The swarm bots had no fingerprints, yet were taken to a lab for further studies. Everyone was safe...but Maxwell couldn't stop worrying. He thought of how so many lives were at stake, and he almost failed.

Aside from the machete slinging that was done against Max, I’m not even sure if those robots were capable of killing anyone. Max didn’t almost fail anything, because he has barely tested at all – shooting not-Steven in the face was his own idea for a spy-check, and we don’t know what would have happened had he not. This is what happens when you establish a threat, only to deal with it before it’s even assessed.

In a flash, everyone was against him, and if it wasn't for Steven and the gems, he may have been arrested or worse. Max helped in the search, looking top to bottom of the mansion for any clues, yet there was nothing.

"... uh Max?"

"Huh?" Max shakes his head as he gets up, apparently he overworked himself and fell asleep, but Steven carried him home.

Great, now Steven has to be responsible for this dumbass too. He’s got his hands full with the gems already.

"Oh uh, hey Steven, sorry about that."

"It's okay, but you shouldn't be working yourself so hard, it's not healthy."

"Look, I know Steven, but I can't just stop, this psycho threatened everyone, including you. I can't sit back and just risk letting whoever this person is, attack any more innocent people."

But no one was attacked other than Max, and even then I’m not sure if the machete was real or not. Since he hasn’t been able to find any evidence at the mansion, I have to guess the pretend murder weapon was made of robots too.

Max had this tired scared look in his eyes as he looked over Beach City. He flinched when he felt Steven hug his side. "How can you still be so nice to me...I pulled a gun on you."

You’ve been pulling guns on everyone in town at this point, Max. I agree, why the fuck would anyone treat you nicely?

"It's because I know you wouldn't hurt me...you're my friend.

"...Steven…" He sighed and smiled. "Okay...I'll stop. I won't get anywhere if I keep this up. For now, we should get back to our regular routine. How are you so good at making people feel better?"

"It's just one of my 'special skills~'"

That’s an uncomfortable idea, actually. If you had the ability to forcibly make people feel better, would that be a violation of their bodily autonomy? We’re talking mind control for emotional manipulation, good intentions or not.

"Pfft, your special skill is being the best doofus ever." He and Steven relax for most of the day, watching TV, until this catchy car commercial comes on, with some good music.

"Wow, so much musical talent for cars?...Is that Smiley singing?" Max comments but then looks to Steven who started dancing. Max rolls his eyes but gets up and dances as well. Eventually the two seemed to get a rhythm, Steven's gem glowing as they get more in sync.

Attached Image

No. No-no-no. Fuck no! No. Hell no! I cannot express in how many ways this insults the very essence of what the author wants to happen here. He wants Steven and Maxwell to fuse. But fusion is not this. Fusion is not dancing-to-a-car-commercial-for-the-heck-of-it-and-it-just-happens. Fusion represents a bond, a unity of mindsets, or a deep emotional connection. It is the embodiment of a relationship built between individuals; expressing how well they complement each other, and how by being together they are more than the sum or their parts. In short, the people who fuse has to have something, a lot even, in common.

Steven and Max have practically nothing in common. Their motivations are polar opposites; Steven is guided by empathy, while Max does whatever will boost his ego. Their powers are virtually incompatible; Max’s are centered around a destructive element, while Steven’s focus on protection and healing. We have seen zero evidence that the two of them can even work as a team – or that Maxwell “Solo Sleuth” Ignitus can work together with anyone. This isn’t a case of a ‘yin and yang’ matchup, this is an attempt at mixing oil and water, and the oil is on fucking fire.

The two had a light growing between them, but then it suddenly dimmed as Max stopped dancing and clutched his head in pain. The light flashed and knocked them both onto the floor.

"Ugh, whoa! We were gonna fuse! We gotta try again!" Steven was so excited until he looked at Max and saw him panting as if he were in pain. His obsidian hand growing sharper and wild, until Max finally got control again. "W-what's going on?"

"I-I don't know….I think Obsidian was trying to warn us. While she is safe in my body, the fusion would probably bring out her corruption again, and maybe infect you."

Oh, phew! That’s great. We won’t see what abomination that could have turned out. But now we’re back to Max once more being special. He already expressed his reluctance to fuse at all, as he wanted to not rely on its power – which just goes to show how phenomenally ignorant both he and the author are about fusion and what it represents.

"Oh...so we can't fuse?"

"I guess not, not until I figure things out with Obsidian." To be honest though, Max knew they could fuse...but their fusion may be something dangerous.

How the hell would he know that? He didn’t even know about fusion until he showed up at Steven’s house.

"Aw man, I was so excited."

"It'll be okay Steven, I'm sure we can-" He was cut off as he tried to get up, but his legs were too wobbly and caused him to fall and his his forehead on the TV

"Oh SON OF A-"

While Max currently swears like a sailor, picture instead of cute puppies running around a field.

All I’m imagining right now is Steven’s face as Max demonstrates what an entirely collected and refined individual he is.

Max was panting after his cursing fit, but then his eyes widen as he looks at a baffled Steven.

"What's a-"

"No no NO! I'm so sorry, what I said wasn't appropriate."

"What do you mean?"

"Um...what I said were bad words."


Oh, fuck off! Steven isn’t a six-year-old – he goddamn well knows what swearing is. His father is a rock musician, he has access to the Internet, and he’s friends with Lars. I bet he’s heard it all.

"Yeah sorry, we need to erase those words from your mind before you start using them.

"But how? Do you have a crazy anti bad word ray gun?"

"Have you been looking through my blueprints? Nevermind, that's besides the point. What I'm gonna teach you are 'replacement bad words'"

"Ooo, so I won't get in trouble using them?'

"Hopefully no. Let's begin, first I just need to get myself angry...okay done. Aw Mahogany table!"

Last chapter we had decapitations with bleeding neck stumps, irresponsible handling of firearms, and people fearing for their lives. Now we have a PSA cartoon skit about euphemistic swearing, delivered to a fourteen-year-old as if he was five. What the fuck am I reading?


"Carrot cake! Cadillac convertible!"

"Let me try! Oh funky flow!"

Thank you, author, for tarnishing Steven’s words about keeping a level head in front of his crush, by turning them into a replacement swear.

"Gosh dang, doodles!"

"Aw crab! Moss!"

"Oh, Squirtle."

"Lion Lickers!"


"Streetcar named Desire."

"Hehehehe, what?" The two of them were having too much fun with this.

I guess it’s a “you had to have been there” kind of thing. The problem is, that’s what a story is meant to do to its readers.

"Coffee pot!"

"Jellyfish!" The two hear a cough and see Garnet standing there along with Amethyst who was laughing her butt off and Pearl trying to look stern and not laugh.

"...language." Garnet said in a neutral but slightly motherly tone.

"Sorry Garnet." The two replied simultaneously.

Attached Image

Will someone or something just kill an actual living being already, so we can pretend the story has a plot we should care about?


That was a load of nothing. I know the show itself has episodes that wind down from the action of previous ones, but at least they’re used to explore characters and situations. Here, we just had investigation lamentation and word salad.

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 20th July 2017 - 08:22 AM