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> My Inner Life, The shining example of egotism
Post #21


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Joined: 25-January 15
From: New Jersey, United States
Member No.: 1,457
Gender: Male

post Dec 26 2016, 07:22 PM
This text = Wet Dream
This text = Reality

So now that the spawn of Satan has reached the state of suehood, let’s see how the two cum guzzling weirdos fare with their child.

- - -

Down the Road

        As winter arrived early (earlier then normal)

As opposed to later than normal, whatever that means now that the timeline is a mess.

the cold winds became too much for the crops to handle. I had to go harvest what we had before the snow started to fall.

So Jenna apparently waits for the winter to harvest crops instead of, you know, autumn time? Jenna must love her harvest rotten and frozen.

Since we had a storage room bellow the house,

The one that we don’t have but suddenly have because the plot demands it.

Link and I harvested what crops we had and stored them in the food cellar.

So apparently, that shitty garden, which only has enough food to feed them for 3-4 weeks, is their food supply for the winter? Which means that they will starve to death from their own stupidity, there is a god after all!

Then we moved all of the animals into the barn to keep them from getting sick. After the preparations were made, we waited for the winter snow.

“And we just sat there and did nothing.”

       A few days later the snow begun to fall. It got real cold in the house so I had to stay by the fire with our small son. Link Jr was now four months old. And getting cuter with each passing day.

I think the kid is starting to give me diabetes.

He was now crawling, and when he gets on the floor he crawls everywhere.

“Did we mention our son was bitten by a radioactive spider?”

I was starting to teach our son at his early age.

“What letter comes after P again?

While Link went to the castle to work with his men I stayed home to teach and care for our son. Even though I provided most of the teaching, Link did his part as well.

“He even had to teach me not to switch tenses in the middle of a sentence before I could teach the hellspawn anything”

I watched when there were a many a day when Link would stay home just to be with our son.

You know, I kind of wonder what Link does for a living that’s so important that he has to go everyday, but not important enough for him to live in the castle.

I knew how much our son meant to him.

Funny, because so far I haven’t seen you do anything that would make it evident that you’re responsible parents.

Next to me Link Jr was his pride and joy. Since the snow was bad this year, I stayed by the fire most of the day, each day I would read to him. I wanted him to grow up smart at an early age.

Yeah, remember when they blessed the little beast with the gift of wisdom and the gift of knowledge? Turns out that never happened.

Link and I agreed that with each child we had we would start teaching them as soon as possible.

Lady, biology will take its natural course eventually, your kid won’t become smarter just because you want him to.

         One night I was sitting by the fire with Link and our son teaching him to read. Link had a children's book that taught kids how to count. As Link pointed to the pictures that showed how to add our son did something amazing. "See my son, if you take two apples and add them to the one you already have." "You get three apples." Link said as he pointed to the pictures. "See, one plus two is three." Link smiled as our son pointed to the pictures. Then the next thing he did was shocking. "So my son what do you get when you add one and two?" "Three." Link answered. Just then our son pointed to the single apple, then to the two apples then he held up three fingers before looking at his father and giggling.

       A shocked look crossed my face as I exchanged glances with my husband. "Oh my....Did you see that honey?" "He added one plus two and answered three!" My eyes seemed to glow as I looked at Link. The same shock showed on his face. "He is going to grow up to be one smart kid, Link my love." "So far we've done a good job with him." I watched as a smile crossed Link's face. "Yes we have my darling, I know he will be the smartest kid in Hyrule" Link responded.

Oh yes, let’s teach our four month old son how to read and do basic arithmetic, because that’s the most logical thing you’d do with a four month old child. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!!!!! You’re actually going to go ahead and make this son of a bitch (you) into a bigger sue than either of you combined? I KNOW YOU’RE TOO DAMNED STUPID TO DISTINGUISH BREAD AND BRED, BUT SERIOUSLY, CHILDREN DO NOT DO FUCKING MATH AT THE AGE OF FOUR MONTHS. 

He then leaned over and kissed me. "I love you my wife."

I watched as our son pointed to the pictures in the book before I cuddled into Link's arms. We sat for awhile before I went to put our son to bed. "It's time for bed sweetie." I said as Link leaned over and kissed our son on the head before I took him upstairs. Right before I ascended the stairs, I took little Link's hand and gently waved it at his father. "Say good night to daddy." Then he giggled as I walked up the stairs.

I wouldn’t be too surprised if the sue baby could actually talk.

“Nighty night Daddy, I hope you two have a good time having snoo-snoo with each other”

         After I put him in his cradle and waited for him to go to sleep, I went back down stairs and spent the rest of the night with Link by the fire. "He is a sleep." I said as I snuggled into Link's arms. I laid there, against Link's chest watching the crackling of the fire. While he massaged my body I let my thoughts drift. As Link massaged me it felt soo good.

Oh fuck no!

His hands moved across my body as if they were gliding. His grip was firm but good against my sore muscles. I had spent that entire day cleaning.

“Let’s face it, that’s all I’m really good at, being a female stereotype.”

So I welcomed the gentle grip of his big broad hands.

“He never failed to please me with his yaoi hands.”

         My thoughts drifted away and the void opened up around me.

Then I begun to hear Link's voice inside my mind, his thoughts, his passions.

Such as the monkey and the mayonnaise.

The connection between us became full. I let my thoughts drift into his mind. Told him how I felt, told him how much I loved him. As the sound of the fire crackling ringed through my ears, Link filled into my soul.

Every joke I would make about this has already been made in Chapter 6.

Just goes to show the more these two jackasses have sex with each other, the less material you have to mock this atrocity.

         We began to feel each other, feel each other inside.

“Actually, it was I who began to feel him in my inner life.”

I rolled over and looked into Link's deep blue eyes, and I saw the desire burning in them. For a moment, his eyes seemed to glow against the red glow of the fire, and I was mesmerized by them.

Then I leaned forward, pressed my lips against his and kissed him deeply. As we kissed I got lost in time, lost in his kiss, and my body got lost to his touch. I felt the hot desire growing between us, our passions growing stronger.

Is this “growing connection” you have for him ever going to wear thin anytime soon? Oh wait, it appears your sex scenes are stuck on repeat because you get lost in the space time continuum from touching him.

Then I let myself get taken away, as I slowly laid down and opened myself to him. I eagerly started to remove his clothes so his awaiting manhood would be restricted no more. First his belt, his tunic, then I undid the lace that held his white undergarment together and pulled it off exposing his heavenly naked body.

Then I threw my arms around him and pulled him down on top of me. I whispered in his ear that I wanted him to take me. That I wanted him to fill me up with his love.

This sex scene sounds like something you’d find in an instruction manual, essentially it’s comes to this:

And that’s the way you do it, it’s my dick in a box.

          I listened to the crackling of the fire as Link caressed my naked body with his hands and lips. We both let ourselves get lost in time, lost to each other's touch. Only the sound of our two hearts beating together was heard.

I’m getting rather uncomfortable. Jen, do us all a favor and never write again! And you know what, forget about those writing classes you talked about in the author’s note.

As we moved against each other the red glow of the fire reflected against our skin. Its warmth gave us comfort as we made love.

Squidward: Is that what he calls it?

Long into the night we fulfilled each other's desires, each other's fantasies. I let myself slip into time, and get taken away on the wings of love. The love that came to me from the heavens. When I was with Link I was in heaven.

Because you and your playhouse burnt down from the unattended fire.

           The winter snow became worse a few days later. One day we had a snowstorm so we had to stay inside by the fire to keep warm. This was the worst winter Hyrule had seen in twenty years.

Well that was awkward, how did we get from Dr. Who to Game of Thrones?

I worried that the cold would get to our son. I did not want him to get sick, so for the next few days Link and I slept by the fire with our son to keep him warm.

News flash:

Fire + Sleep + Child = Horrible Parenting

I hoped it would all end quickly since our anniversary was only a week away.

You've planned an anniversary? Since when?

I wanted to get him something special, but if the snow did not stop soon I would not be able to get to the Market to get him a gift.

Because who cares about you freezing or possibly starving to death when the biggest concern here is that you can’t give your ambiguously gay husband a gift.

Last fall after we got married the winter was a calm and mild one. There was hardly any snow and a mild cold. The autumn last year was even warm.

           But for some reason this year the snows came early and heavy.

So am I to believe this story took place over the span of two years? I just…oh I give up!

I even got concerned about the Zora and Goron races since each was not very adaptable to the extreme cold.

Zelda’s Queen giving a damn about the welfare of other races? That’s so unheard of.

Link and I worried that those races would have survival problems. Since the Zoras were an aquatic people, the water where they live remains warm. And if their water gets too cold, they might freeze to death.

Can’t the Zoras survive climates much harsher than that? I mean, they did survive the harsh climate caused by Ganon’s spell in Ocarina of Time, the game that this shitty story is based on!

The Gorons live high up on Death Mountain, but they need warm climates to live in. If the cold gets too extreme, they might not survive.

One, the Gorons are rock people, so they wouldn’t be affected by the harsh weather a whole lot.

Two, even if it did, don’t the Gorons LIVE INSIDE A FUCKING VOLCANO? Unless the weather is so fucking cold that it can even freeze molten lava, then maybe getting a gift for Link really shouldn’t be your concern right now.

We especially worried about Princess Ruto. She was the kind to go out, and spend the day finding ways to improve Hyrule's water source or Zora's Domain itself. Usually being cooped up was not her style, and she seems to get wiry if she remains in one place for to long. We though she might try to go outside to get away from being cooped up all day long. She never listens to her father, always sneaking around. So we thought she might try and sneak out, and that could be bad news.

You see that, that’s a reason why it’s absolutely insulting for you to talk about Ruto like she’s an irresponsible brat! Unlike you, she actually does shit for herself as well as for her people.

And let me get this straight, getting drunk while pregnant and drinking someone’s pee is not stupid or irresponsible, but being independent and three dimensional and breaking traditional conduct just to save lives is.

        With that in mind, we decided that we should keep an eye out on her. One day in particular, it got extremely cold. It was the coldest Hyrule had gotten in twenty years.

We get it! It’s cold! Just move on to this pointless plot point you’re trying to introduce!

Link and I were sitting in front of the fire with our son. We had wrapped ourselves with heavy wool blankets and huddled together to stay warm.

Also News Flash:

Heavy Wool Blankets + Fire + Child + One Sue + One Stu + Sleep = You’re an idiot!

The house had gotten cold, so cold that even Lilly, Navi and Aria had to go to the little huts that we built upstairs for them to sleep in, so their wings would not get numb, preventing them from flying.

While Link and I were huddled together under the blankets, a knock came at the door.

*Ruto smashes hole in door* Here’s Ruto!

        Since it was snowing and the cold was so intense, we thought that someone would be crazy to venture outside in that terrible weather. Link and I exchanged worried glances. "Who could that be out in this awful weather?" I said as I gave Link a worried look. "I'll go see who it is." Link said as he got up dragging the heavy blanket behind him.

Oh gee, I wonder who it could be! Out of all of the characters in the story the sue could have described as being a complete retard for venturing out in the cold I wonder who could possibly be knocking at the door right now!

I got up, wrapped my blanket around me, wrapped one around our son, then followed Link to the door. Undoing the latches, Link slowly opened the door. What we saw on the other side shocked us.

It was Jason Voorhees standing right at our door.

There in the doorway stood the figure of a female Zora. Princess Ruto, wrapped in a heavy deep blue cloak, stood there ankle deep in the snow half frozen. "Oh my god, what are you doing out in this ungodly weather?!" I said with pure shock in my voice.

Did Ruto do something absolutely stupid like the Suethor predicted? Maybe I gave too much credit to this fake Ruto.

Dazed, she looked at us then staggered to the door. Link reached out and grabbed Ruto by the arm and pulled her inside. Removing the cloak, I led Ruto to sit by the fire. With haste I grabbed a heavy wool blanket and wrapped it around the half frozen Zora.

Finally, there’s potential for a plot!

        Then I went into the kitchen and made a cup of hot coco to give to her.

Even though cocoa beans weren’t widely available in Europe until the 17th century.

After I         handed her the cup, Link and I looked at her with unblinking eyes,

Hmmm, very creepy!

"So tell me again why you were out in that awful storm." I said with doubt in my voice.

The adult Zora looked from me to Link, then answered in a muffled tone. "I was out examining ways to improve water flow from Lake Hylia, when the storm broke catching me in it." Reading over her statement again in my mind, it didn't make much sense. There had to be more to the story then what she was telling us.

Of course it doesn’t make sense. She can’t just direct the flow of a river, and the water from Lake Hylia flows OUT of Zora’s Domain, not into it.

I looked at her squarely, as she looked down into her cup. "C'mon Ruto, there has to be a real reason why you were out there." "I just find it hard to believe that you were actually out there to check on the water source. " "Tell me the real reason. " Ruto looked back up at me, then her face faltered.

By considering all of the possible reasons why this doesn’t make sense, Jenna the Genius comes to the conclusion that Ruto’s lying simply because she says so.

       "Well…..I…..ummm….I can't really say why. "

Remember Ruto being sassy and independent? Not anymore!

Link and I exchanged looks then we looked back to Ruto. "Ruto you cannot really expect us to believe that you cannot explain why  you were really out there." A glint of anger appeared in Link's jeweled eyes as he spoke. When she saw that Link was getting impatient, she finally decided to tell us the real reason why she was out in the storm. 

This doesn’t look good, I feel like I’m reading a waterboarding session.

"Well…..I was in Zora's Domain and I was starting to feel cooped up so I decided to go to lake Hylia for a swim."

Oh yes, that’s totally like the Princess Ruto we all remember, who pusses out all because Link gets angry at her and because Jenna doesn’t want to admit she’s an idiot.

"As I came near the Water Temple, I decided to check inside to make sure everything was ok." "As I wandered the corridors, I saw what seemed like a shadow that moved. " "I walked further down the corridor I was in, until something knocked me down. " "When I turned and looked up, I saw a shadowy figure looming over me that looked remarkably like Link." "Its red eyes, pierced me like daggers, and as I looked at the figure, I could tell it was evil."

Hello Dark Link who’s somehow still alive, how’s being in a Zelda fangirl’s shitty self insert story treating you?

"I barely got out alive." "That thing….almost had me." "When I got outside, the storm broke." "Being a Zora, I knew I wasn't going to last long out in the cold, and Zora's Domain was too far away, so that's why I came here."

Which is why I hauled my ass all the way over here instead of to Zora’s Domain, which is a lot closer.

Ruto said in a scratchy voice, her hand shaking the cup she held. I looked at her with unblinking eyes and all I could think about was what Ruto had said.

       "A shadowy figure that looked like Link?" I thought to myself. I glanced over at Link, who looked white as a sheet. "Link my love whats wrong?!" Link turned to face me, his voice raspy from shock.

Don’t tell me you, the “Hero of Time” are afraid of Dark Link! Granted, he’s pretty tough when you first fight him, but when you discover his weak spot, he’s really not that bad.

"Oh my Goddesses…..I thought he was dead!" "How can he still be alive!" "I destroyed him myself!"

Because the plot demands it and the author finally realized no one wants to read a sitcom.

"Who Link……what are you talking about?!" I watched as Link's eyes lowered. "When I was in the Water Temple, about halfway through it, I entered this strange room." "The room was strange, like it was straight out of a bad dream."

Kind of like every part of this strange dream world.

"As I continued to explore the room, I felt a strange presence." "As I walked towards the lone tree in the center of the room, a shadowy figure turned from behind it." "When I got close enough, I could tell that the figure looked like…….me." Link's eyes faltered as he remembered that day when he met his mirror self.

The figure looks like Link! *gasp* That’s going to give me nightmares for a week!

"Oh Goddesses, you're kidding right?" I said with pure shock in my voice.

Nobody dares to kid the amazing sue!

"No, he's telling the truth." Ruto added. "I saw it with my own eyes when I was in there last." I could not believe what I was hearing. All I could think about was that there was another that looked like Link. Was this other, evil,

Haven’t we already established that he was evil or something?

was he good, or was he Link's twin that he does not know about?

These questions raced threw my mind as the thought of this mirror image with the face of my husband was possibly running around.

So here’s what this fanfic taught me about heroes and their mirror selves:

Sonic has stolen the emerald! He’s EVIL!

Mario does graffiti! He’s EVIL!

How could this anomaly possibly exist? I don’t know if he’s Evil!

       "Link my love tell me what happened." I looked directly into Link's eternal blue eyes as a look of pure depression shone in his face. "When I tried to fight the mirror image, I could not land a mark on him." "It seemed that he was anticipating my every move." "It was a long and grueling fight, one I almost did not win."

Confirmed, Zelda’s Queen never beat the game! She’s still stuck on this not too difficult boss!

"Oh my Goddesses…Link you never told me about that!" I walked over and embraced the now shivering Link. "It was terrible, I will never forget those blood red eyes."

If this is Link, he should be scared of Skulltulas and Wallmasters, not Dark Link.

"And now with possibility that he is still running around, makes me even more nervous."

So the fact that you have to fight your doppelgänger just makes you “nervous” eh? I sure love it when the characters have a clear motivation.

I could tell now that Link was upset. Even with all the stories that Link had told me, he never told me about his encounter inside the Water Temple. "I must go to the Water Temple and check it out." "If I don't, I will never be able to rest." Link said as he got up and buckled on the Master Sword over his back.

Why is Link so afraid of fighting Dark Link? I guess all of this domestication thing has gone right to his head, that it’s turned him into a fucking pussy.

       Then he put on his deep green cloak as he prepared to venture outside. "Link my love you cannot venture out in that dangerous storm." I said as I grabbed his arm.

Nevermind the fact that Link is the Hero of Time, and it is therefore his duty to keep this creature you’re so scared of from wandering around!

"Jenna my dear wife, I must go." "If that mirror image of me is still on the loose, that could mean serious trouble." Link's jeweled blue eyes pierced me deep into my soul. As I stared into them, I begun to understand that he had to go find out if the evil in the shape of his image was still inside the Water Temple.

Only just now? Wow, you’re not as dumb as I thought you were previously.

I wondered how Gannondorf could create such an atrocity.

You know, the same guy that trapped the Zoras under a sheet of ice, resurrected a dragon to eat the Gorons, released a monster from a well, and a bunch of other horrible shit! Seriously, how did Link not tell you about this guy?

"Well I understand that you must go to the Temple and see if it is true that this copy is wandering its corridors, but you are not going without me." I said as I grabbed my deep blue cloak and put it on, lifting the hood over my head.

Again, he’s the Hero of Time, he can do this shit on his own! What have you done so far that proves that your worthy for his protection?

"Jenna my love, you cannot come." "Its too dangerous and some one needs to stay here and care for our son." Link said as he lifted my head up until our eyes met.

Thank You!

Pushing his hand away a hint of irritation appeared in my voice.

       "First off, I cannot just let you venture out in that storm alone, second Ruto as well as Lilly and Navi are here so they can care for our son while we're away." "Ruto is still not able to go back to Zora's Domain yet so she should stay here anyway." I said as I headed towards the door.

Yes, leave the mammalian child with an amphibious woman who is freezing to death and a pair of fairies. Best Parents of 2016!

Speaking of which, did the suethor just forget about Airia? That’s okay, I forgot about her just as fast as you did.

Link grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Jenna my love, you do not understand." "I don't want to loose you, the Temple is dangerous and so is my mirror self."

To say the Tempe is “dangerous” would be an overstatement, it’s just annoying. Though, Dark Link is a pain in the ass unless you know what you’re doing, like Link should.

Link looked at me with concern in his eyes. And all I could think about was that I didn't want to loose him either. "I'm still going, I don't want to loose either." "I love you, and I want to protect you." "Who knows what this mirror self might be planning." I said as I threw my arms around Link. "Sigh" "That is one of the reasons why I married you my dear Jenna." Link said as he pressed his lips on mine.

- - -

So after 12 fucking chapters, it looks like the story finally decided to have a plot!

Unfortuanetly, the story just seems to get stupider and stupider with each chapter, so don't expect much!

My content can be found here.

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Post #22


Group: Members
Posts: 42
Joined: 25-January 15
From: New Jersey, United States
Member No.: 1,457
Gender: Male

post Jan 23 2017, 08:28 PM
Fianlly, the story has a plot, too bad it took 12 fucking chapters to get to it!

The Encounter

         Grabbling my bow and my (9)Phoenix circles

(9) The Phoenix Circles are one form of a Charkam. A Charkam is a round weapon kind of like a sword only in the form of a circle (exe Zena Warrior Princess's weapon). The Charkam has a blade curvature in the shape of a crescent moon with a round hilt on one side. The Phoenix Circles in this story, its blade is lined with all different kinds of valuable gems and the symbol of the Phoenix.

First of all, now the sue is ripping off Xena (not Zena, asshat) in terms of weapon choice, and she flat out admits it. Secondly, by your logic, technically speaking, shouldn’t anything with blades on it be classified as a sword? Thirdly, a chakram (not charkam) is a throwing weapon in the shape of a disc, so in order for it to work effectively, it needs to be finely balanced. Adding tons of bejeweled shit onto it will likely throw off that balance.

and Link equipped with the Master Sword, I kissed little Link, said a few words to Ruto

“I just put you in my story just to show people how awesome I am compared to you.”

then Link and I headed for Lake Hylia and the Water Temple. We went to the stable to grab our horses, since Epona was carrying,

“Because I finally got a D- in my biology class.”

I saddled Star Dancer and Link saddled Midnight Star. Mounting our horses, we left the sanctuary of our house, and made our way through the blinding snow. The storm had kicked up again. It was very cold and the snow knee deep. The wind whipped our cloaks around as we pushed onward. Visibility was next to nothing, I could barely see Link in front of me.

Just in case the previous chapter hadn’t made it clear the weather was shit today.

"Jenna are you ok?!" Link yelled over the howling wind. "So far I'm ok, but I can barely see anything in front of me!" I yelled back. "Just follow the sound of my voice my love, I will help guide you!"

Just listen to his voice through the harsh howling blizzards.

Listing to Link's voice, I was able to follow him. We kept a steady pace, pushing through the deep wet snow.

If that’s the case, the weather should be hovering around the boiling/freezing point of water, leading me to doubt the weather was that bad.

I wrapped my now damp cloak around me trying to stay warm.

Jenna, you’re a genius, now the canon will be back in order!

       After some time we finally came to the fences leading to Lake Hylia. By this time the storm had died down some so visibility was much better. Link made Midnight Star come to a complete stop, causing snow to kick up behind the stallion's powerful hooves. Pulling back on the reins Star Dancer came to a complete stop just a few feet behind Link. "Why did we stop?" I questioned. "We need to jump these fences, but with the snow as deep as it is I know that Midnight Star can make the jump but, do you think your mare can handle the jump?" Looking down at my mare, I patted her on the head and stroked her mane. "I have full confidence in her Link, she can make the jump." "Then lets go!" Link yelled.

I’m shitting my pants to see if Midnight Star can make the jump.

       Backing up his horse, Link prepared for the jump. When he had enough distance, he booted the horse in the legs

And thankfully she bucked you off because you’re a Gary Stu that doesn’t know how shit works.

and ran towards the fences guarding the lake. With a kicking up of snow, the black stallion flew gracefully over the fences, leaving a trail of mist behind him. Bringing the horse to a stop on the other side of the fences he looked at me. "Now you make the jump." Nodding, I backed up my mare and prepared for the jump. When I had enough distance between the fences and I, I booted my horse in the legs

And you soon followed Link’s fate.

and bolted towards the fences. Just before I reached the fences, a cloud of snow kicked up behind my horse's powerful hooves as she made the rough jump over the fences. Link then took off in front of me and called for me to follow.

That's been one-hundred thirty words of Jenna jumping over a fence, possibly the best scene in the entire story.

I watched as the lake slowly became visible. When we reached the bank of Lake Hylia, we were shocked at what we saw. Pulling our horses to a complete stop I exchanged glances with Link. "The lake is frozen over!" "How are we supposed to get inside now?"

Ice, in winter? That’s just a thought I can’t manage to fathom!

I said as we dismounted. Pulling out his bow, Link nocked an arrow of fire and shot it at the lake. Steam rose up as the fire melted the ice beneath its fiery rage. "Well well, Link your full of surprises." I said with envoy.

In other words, the only obstacles these two had the face to get into Lake Hylia was a fence and ice. Pretty pathetic if you ask me.

Link smiled, then nocked a few more arrows and shot them one by one into the ice, creating a hole in the ice. "Now we can get inside." Link inquired. "Wait a second Link, isn't the door to the Temple under the water?" Link nodded. "How do you suppose we are going to get in there?"

Don’t tell me that you, the “Hero of Time, ” the one that actually entered the Water Temple, can’t come up with a plan to get inside.

       Walking back over to his horse, Link reached into his saddlebags and pulled something out of it. Turning back to me he threw a blue looking tunic at me. "Put that on."

What a guy, he got an extra tunic off screen in the game knowing he’d have to take Mrs. Snowflake on his quest.

"That's the Zora tunic, it allows its wearer to breath under the water." I looked down at the tunic in my hands, wondering if it would really work. "Are you sure its going to fit me?"

“I think my bosoms are too big”

Looking back at me his eyes seemed to glow. "Don't worry my love it will." Looking back down at it one more time, I took it and slipped it on over my dress. Then I walked over to Link just as he finished putting his on.
"Now the entrance is at the bottom." "The only way to get down there is with the Iron Boots." "Iron what?" I asked with curiosity in my voice. "The Iron Boots are boots made of Iron to help the wearer to be heavy enough to walk on lake bottoms. "

Oh that's amazing, you never cease to surprise me Link my love." I said with a little giggle.

"Now since there is only one pair, you'll have to hang onto me or you will just float back to the surface."

Good thinking Link, get an extra tunic but don’t get an extra pair of boots! Genius!

Nodding, I watched as Link equipped the Iron Boots.

“He then coated my feet in cement and threw me in the lake, that way I could swim with the fishes”

When he was ready, I grabbed onto his arm as we made our way into the lake. The boots made a loud clopping sound as we descended to the lake's bottom.

Walking on the bottom of the lake made me feel a little uneasy, but I had confidence in my husband's abilities. When we reached the Temple's gate, I looked up at the blood red jewel sitting above the entrance. A slight shiver went down my spine as I stared at the ghoulish looking thing. Hugging onto Link, we descended into the Temple.

You can not be serious! You’re scared of a fucking jewel that’s meant for decoration? This is why you shouldn’t be pussifying Ruto in this story, when you’re scared of a jewel that can’t hurt a fly! Let me play that clip again because it bears repeating here:

As we walked further into the eerie Temple, a wash of uneasiness ran over me. "Where do we go from here?" I said as I held onto Link tightly. "I'm not sure, but my best guess is that we should head for that strange room."

First we drain the water, then raise it, then drain it, then raise it again, and then drain it again, and then we throw our controllers at the TV in frustration.

       As we descended deeper into the Water Temple, I started to feel as if someone was watching us. "Link do you feel as if we are being watched?" "Yeah I feel it, I also feel a presence as well." "He's here I can feel it." Feeling my cat like instincts kick in,

I raised my head up and sniffed the air. "You're right, I smell something fowl."

Apparently Dark Link has a Cucoo Farm! I wonder if it also has an ass pulled garden.

"He's close." I said lowering my head. "Closer then you think."

Where are they? The temple is a three floored-maze of doors and water!

A sneering voice called from within the Temple. I jumped at the sound of the eerie voice echoing threw the corridors. "Come out and show yourself, I know you're here!" Link yelled as he unfastened his sword in its sheath.

“Good thing I had that fastener installed inside my sheath, otherwise I’d cut my other arm off”

"Ha ha so…the "Hero of Time" has returned to challenge me." The sneering voice called again. "Your more of a fool then I thought."

Oh look, there’s villain cliché number 821, calling the hero a fool!

I begun to shake as the sneering voice continued to vibrate threw the Temple's corridors. "FOOL!?" "You're the fool!" "Why won't you show yourself?!"

It’s like these two are at the playground fighting over lunch money!

Link screamed as he unsheathed the Master Sword. Just then we heard a shuffling sound behind us.

Wait a minute, aren’t they underwater?

Then the next thing I knew, I was struck from behind and then all went black.

Hooray! I’m starting to side with Dark Link!

       When I awoke, I noticed I was lying on the floor bound hand and foot with rope. Looking around the room, I saw Link sitting next to me bound as well.

And there’s villain cliché number 191, bondage!

I tried to tug at my bonds, but it seemed no matter how hard I tried the bonds seemed to tighten. "Its no use Jenna, I've already tried." Link said in a faltering tone. "It seems that we are prisoner of my mirror self."

Piss off you pussy, you’re not Link! If you were, you wouldn’t be caught by Dark Link and become pessimistic about it.

"You are so right." Called the sneering voice again. Just then a figure appeared in the doorway to the room. "So…the "Hero of Time" is now my prisoner." "How long I awaited this day, the day when I would get revenge on my counter part."

“Excuse me, but what are you trying to get revenge on me for?” Link said quizzically

“Erm, It can’t because you killed me since I’m right here about to kill you two, so…I’ll just go with you didn’t allow me to kill you. How dare you didn’t let me kill you!”

I watched as the shadowy figure moved forward revealing an exact copy of Link. Although the "copy" was darker, wearing a black tunic and hat, and those blood red eyes shone with pure evil.

“It’s Shadow the Linkhog!” we both said in unison

“Now tell me, where’s that damn FOURTH Triforce piece?”

As he approached Link, the look of him made me shiver in fear. "What are you going to do with us?" Link said with hatred in his voice. "Hmmm….I haven't decided what I'm going to do with you yet."

“I’m sort of an idiot like that, I planned revenge on you and yet I don’t know what to do during that revenge!”

Then he glanced over at me, his blood red eyes piercing into my soul. "But I think I have plans for that beautiful wife of yours." The mirror image said with amusement in his voice.

And he’s a rapist because of course, he is!

"Oh by the way…call me Dark Link."

“I’m going to rape your wife, oh and by the way, I have a name!”

       Just then Dark Link strode over and bend down beside me, "Such a beautiful creature."

Because once again: “Evwybaudy wuvs jena!11111”

He said as he put his hand under my chin, lifting my head up to face him.

And then there’s villain cliché number 246, the villain is in love with the heroine!

I shot him a look of hate. "I have plans for you sweet thing.” Dark Link said as he ran his hands seductively down the side of my face.

If Dark Link actually rapes Jenna, I’m going to castrate myself with a spoon live on Skype!

"What the hell are you talking about!?" I looked up at him, his red eyes seemed to glow with an evil desire. "Oh…I have special plans for you." "You will soon find out." He begun to laugh, a laugh so hideous that it made my skin crawl.

As if it weren’t clear enough that Dark Link plans to rape Jenna, he gets that god awful thought again! I imagined it, so you must imagine it too!

Realizing what he meant, my eyes grew as big as saucers.

“But at the same time, my nipples became as hard as friggin’ rocks!”

If she’s not trying, why should I?

"I want nothing to do with YOU in that manor!"

“I prefer to be raped at the shack 20 miles from here!”

I cried as I spat in his face. "You Bitch, you'll pay for that!" Whipping the spit from his face, he backhanded me, leaving a stinging sensation on my cheek. "How dare you hit my wife!" Link screamed. "Well it seems you're in no condition do anything about it." Dark Link said with humor. Then the dark being faced me again. "I will be back for you real soon." Running his hand down the side of my face again, he smiled then got up and strode to the door. "Now don't think of trying to escape." He said with a smirk then walked out.

“If you try, I won’t be able to masturbate over how evil I am before I set fire to an orphanage and kill a puppy!”

       I looked over at Link. "What are we going to do?" "I dunno, he took my sword and I cannot break the bonds."

This looks like a job for the Mary Sue!

"It seems were at Dark Link's mercy."

Jen, I know very damned well that you’ve played the game! During those five minutes you’ve played the game, how the fuck would you come to the conclusion that Link is susceptible to bondage?

Link said as his face faltered. "I will not concede to defeat!" I cried as I twisted forward. "I don't want to either my love, but I'm at a loss on what to do."

“I’ve never solved a puzzle once in my life during my adventures, so I’ll just give up because this one-dimensional villain tied us both up!”

I was beginning to grow concerned. The thought of what hideous things Dark Link might do to me, sent shivers up my spine.

I really hope Dark Link kills them both and forgets about raping the Mary Sue! That’s a fate I couldn’t even wish upon her!

I tried to tug at my bonds again, but to no avail. I was beginning to think that all hope was lost, when a glint of something shiny caught my eye. I peered deeper into the darkness on the other side of the room, as I pushed my self away from the wall and slinked across the floor. When I got close enough to the shining object, I realized that the glints were coming off the gems on my Phoenix Circles. It seemed that in his hast to remove our weapons, Dark Link seemingly forgot to take my Phoenix Circles with the rest of the weapons. "Link look, over on that table across the room." "Its my Phoenix Circles. "I said as I leaned forward.

That’s it, folks! I’d really hate to do this in 2017 of all times, as this would kill my credibility, but I’m just going to give myself the honor to facepalm at this villain’s stupidity!

"How do you suppose we are going to get to it?" "We're still bound." Link reminded. Looking back down at my bonds, the feeling of my cat instincts washed over me again.

Since when did you have cat-like instincts? Is this something you just pulled out of your butt? Do volcano gods eat virgins?


Fuck you!

I leaned forward until my mouth met the bonds around my ankles. Slowly I took part of the rope into my mouth and begun to gnaw at it. Quickly I chewed my way threw the rope, knowing I had to make hast. I had to break my bonds before Dark Link returned.

After some work, I managed to chew through the bonds around my ankles. I got up and staggered over to the table where my Phoenix Circles where sitting.  Turning around, I took one of them into my hands and worked it around until the blade was resting against the bonds around my wrists. Taking it, I slowly managed to cut threw my bonds. Putting my weapon down, I rubbed my wrists to soothe the pain from the slight wounds that came from when I tried to break the bonds. "Link I'm free." Grabbing my weapon I walked over to him.

Guys, I don’t know what to say here! This absolutely offends me to no end! Just…Just…the sue is a role-stealing piece of shit and I want to fucking kill her because of that!

        "How did you manage to break your bonds?" Link asked with shock. "Well I owe it all to the training I had while I was traveling."

Training? A traveling merchant girl training? A traveling merchant girl training the art of chewing through ropes like the rat she is?

"Now its time to break your bonds." Reaching down I placed the blade of my Phoenix Circle against the bonds on Link's ankles. Snapping the ropes off, I motioned for Link to turn around. Placing the blade against the rope, I sliced it off in one swift swipe. Rubbing his wrists he looked up at me with a smile on his face.

       "You're amazing my love." He said with a smile. I walked into Link's arms and kissed him. 


Then his expression changed into a serious one. "Now we must get out of here and find the rest of our weapons before Dark Link returns." Nodding, I grabbed my Phoenix Circles, and followed Link as we slowly made our way to the door. Inching his way out the door, Link checked to see if anyone was coming. "Coast is clear, lets go." Link whispered. Slinking our way down the dark corridors, the echo of Dark Link's taunting voice lingered in the air.

What taunting? You mean the taunting he did earlier? How is it still going on?

"We must hurry…this way." Link pointed towards a hallway with a light shining at the end.
       Winding threw the shadows we came upon a lighted room. Quietly Link opened the door. Peeking inside what we saw was a sight for sore eyes. There on a table sat our weapons. "Oh my Goddesses…..there they are." I said as I ran inside. "Link the Master Sword is here along with our bows!"

So Dark Link just leaves all of the weapons directly in front of their cell and…Christopher Walken!!!

Reaching over I grabbed my bow and quiver. I swung the bow over my back, then threw the quiver over my shoulder. Then I grabbed the Master Sword, his bow and quiver and handed them over to Link. Link took the sword and buckled it over his back then swung his bow and quiver over his shoulder.

Pro-tip #1 about exposition: Only explain things that we should care about.

Unfastening the sword, Link removed it from its sheath. He took the sword and swung it threw the air, listening to the rushing sound it made as though it was cutting the air like a knife threw butter.

Jen, I have to ask, do you sniff paint and then eat it? Because I assume you do just that everyday if you think that cutting through butter is just as easy as cutting through air.

"I'm just glad to have my sword back." Link said as he swung it one last time before sheathing it. "Now lets get the hell out of here." Just then the door swung open.

Oh come on, you missed the opportunity to use villain cliché number 998, traps! Is there really a point to even imprisoning the two of them besides Dark Link turing Jenna into his personal sex slave?

        "Going somewhere?" There in the doorway stood Dark Link. "I thought I told you two to stay put!" An evil sneer crossed Dark Link's face as he eyed us over.

“Now how am I going to fawn over my hideous evilness?”

"I don't take orders from the likes of you!" Link sneered back. "You will be after I'm finished with you." Just then Dark Link drew a sword with a remarkably likeness to the Master Sword. At that point, with Dark Link holding a sword just like the Master Sword, I begun to think that this is one battle Link would not win alone.

Despite the fact Link defeated Dark Link the last time he faced him!


Something people with a brain tend to do when they read this fanfiction in its entirety!

my Phoenix Circles I made a daring charge at Dark Link. Feeling my cat like instincts kick in, I jumped gracefully into the air, aiming my weapons directly at his face.

You know, now’s not the time to do ballet, especially when you’re carrying heavy weapons.

Just before I managed to strike, Dark Link raised his sword and blocked my weapon causing a clank of metal and sparks to fill into the air. Falling back, I swiftly rushed forward and high kicked Dark Link in the face, causing him to go flying back into a wall. Staggering back up, his face twisted into an evil grin. "So…you want to play rough do you?" He said wiping the blood from his mouth. "I can show you just how rough I can play!"

I’ve got my spoon ready!

       A flash of white light surrounded the room, causing Link and I to be blinded. I felt myself being lifted into the air, as if someone was carrying me. I heard Dark Link's sinister laugh ring threw my ears then all went black.

What is this? Care to fill us in what kind of messed up sorcery Dark Link is trying to inflict upon the protagonists, author?

       With unblinking eyes I stared into the blackness of the room I was in. Cold water shifted around my ankles as I walked around.

I told you, we were supposed to drain the water first, and then rise it, and then drain it, and then…

Pushing my way threw the darkness, I listened for any sounds that might be my love Link. "LINK…Link where are you my love?!" "Link are you there?" I cried out into the darkness, but all there was, was silence.

You know what would really come in handy? If either of you had some sort of psychic bond you’ve formed from meeting a bunch of monks!

Continuing to move forward, I finally found myself standing in front of a strange tree. Looking up at it, it looked twisted and ugly, as if it was a tortured soul. Its twisted branches stretched out like clawed fingers, as if it was trying to grab something. Backing up, the cold water brushed up against my legs, causing a cold chill to run up my back.

Look at that, the author is trying to be poetic, but failing miserably!

       Just then a chilling laugh pierced the darkness. Looking back towards the tree, a black figure slinked out from behind it. It's chilling blood red eyes sending a chill deep into my soul. "Dark Link…where the hell am I and where is Link!?" I sneered raising my Phoenix Circles up in front of me.

This chapter sneers more than Trump in a political debate.

Donald Trump: We need to make Hyrule great again by keeping out those dirty Mary Sues by building a wall!

Snapping his fingers a sudden light filled the room, lighting up the surroundings.

No fucking duh!

A sudden shock ran threw me. "Oh…my Goddesses…is this the strange room Link described where he first met his counter part?" Then something caught my eye. Looking over my shoulder, there bound to the wall over the way out, was Link.

First of all author, fuck you! Second of all, how dare you turn Link into an excuse to show off how special you are! Third of all, fuck you! Fourth, why hasn’t Dark Link killed Link! He has him by the balls, so he should just fucking seek his “revenge” on him already!

"OH MY GODDESSES…LINK!" I cried clopping my hands over my mouth. "What the hell have you done to him you bastard!?"

Not kill him, that would mean his dick would not be hard from daydreaming about fucking Jenna up her ass!

"I told you earlier…if you want to play rough, I will show you just how rough I can play!" An evil glint rose in Dark Link's eyes, the flame of hatred flicking in them. "If you want to save your love; then you must defeat me."

I thought the solution would be to let Dark Link win!

Eyeing him, I poised into a fighting stance, placing my Phoenix Circles up in front of me. I knew I was in for a long battle.

Let the games begin!

The Final Fight

This probably means that the last 4 chapters will just be you talking about how much you love Link again! I hate you! I really do!

       I charged forward, crying into the chilling air as I prepared to strike. Lunging, my weapon clashed with his,

Gee Jenna, I never knew you had those parts! Must…remove…image…from my head!

causing a crash of metal and a shower of sparks. Pushing forward, our weapons met again, as a shower of sparks rained from our rage.

You know Jen, in this place called reality, it’s actually very difficult to produce sparks from just having two pieces of metal hitting each other.

I backed up again, raising my weapon for another assault.

Phrases like that certainly aren’t helping me remove that god damned image you just created in my brain!

We moved in a circle, each waiting for the other to attack. Then I took my chances and lunged again. This time my weapon connected, cutting his black tunic, leaving a gash across his chest. Looking down at his crimson soaked wound, he sneered then flew at me, sword raised. I ducked, raising my weapon in defense.

I call bullshit on that, since Dark Link can only be attacked with non-conventional attacks.

       Our blades connected again, sending another shower of sparks into the air. The sound or our weapons clashing filled the room, as the water rushed around our shuffling feet.

He again tried to push forward, causing me to block in defense. Backing up again I moved with him, trying to anticipate his next attack.

And I felt him surround me. His taunting laugh causing the rage inside me to flourish.

Well what is there to rage about? You managed to strike a blow on him while not a single scratch has been left on you so far!

Then I felt Link calling to me in my mind, heard him telling me what to do.

I’d complain about how much you still need to rely on your husband to fight this creature, but I’m too distracted not to think about how you’ve reduced Link to a referee instead of the “Hero of Time”.

But because of the fiery rage that was running threw me, his voice sounded muffled and distant.

Apparently, the wi-fi here is shit!

As the evil being moved around me, I felt the chilling air he was generating move across my skin. I eyed his every move, waiting for the right moment to strike. His blood red eyes watched me, the flames of a fire seemed to flicker in them. His weapon moved with such grace and his moves like that of a striking tiger.

What’s going on here? How did Dark Link suddenly turn into a solid being when previously he was…Shadow clones…he was…! ARRG WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?

       Though I waited, waited for the right moment. "Well aren't you going to attack, or are you afraid?" Dark Link snickered as his hand gestured for me to come forth. "Afraid of you!?" "Your more of a fool then I thought." "You surprise me Dark Link."

What was your first clue?

"I thought you said you were going to show me just how rough you can play."

Here’s a fun little game you can play with your friends while your riff this abortion of a story, it’s called “Who said what!” In this game, you have to find a disjointed conversation like this one and figure out who said what and what everyone is saying! Is it too hard? Good, you’ve already won the game because you’ve realized that this game is impossible!

A small smile crossed my face as I saw the burning rage twist Dark Link's face. "Be careful of what you wish for." "Cause you might just GET IT!"

“For example, you wished to fuck Link, and here you are in this shitty story!”

Dark Link's face twisted into a vicious smile as he lunged forward again. Raising my weapon again, I prepared to defend myself. A sudden flash of metal blazed as my weapon met his. Using all my strength, I fought to push his sword back. My wrists started to buckle under the immense power that Dark Link was putting into his sword, as he tried to pin me under it.

Why the fuck is she sword fighting with a THROWING weapon?

I felt my heart starting to beat faster, felt sweat beading my face. I continued to push forward, forcing my all into my only hope, my Phoenix Circles.

But because she had a child not too long ago, that strength depleted, Dark Link killed the sue, and Link’s master plan to kill the sue was complete. Apparently he teamed up with Dark Link because even Dark Link was pissed off at the sight of this sue.

       "Your weak Jenna." "Why don't you just surrender to me and I will go easy on you." "The hope your holding onto is not going to save you now." Dark Link said bitterly, thrusting his sword forward, pushing it closer to my throat.

Would it really surprise anyone if she did surrender? I mean, by the looks of it, she seems stupid enough to do so even when he’s threatened to rape her.

"You infidel!" "I will never concede to the likes of you!"

Jet Fuel doesn't melt steel girders I suppose.

I spat, my eyes narrowing. "Then die bitch!"

       With a swift move of his sword, Dark Link knocked my Phoenix Circles out of my hands, sending them flying across the room. With a gasp, I backed up only to be met by a swift kick to my legs, sending me crashing to the floor and sending a spray of water into the air. I watched as the twisted figure of Link loomed over me, sword pointed at my throat.

Un-fucking-believable! That was pathetic. That’s all it takes to beat the enemy these days? Just a swift kick to the legs?

With another sinister laugh, he grabbed me by the tunic and threw me across the room, sending me flying across the water and into the twisted tree. With a loud thud, I fell to the ground, stunned and hurt. Trying to shake off the pain I was now feeling, I opened my eyes only to see Dark Link, advancing on his counter part.

Is it that hard to fucking kill Jenna? She’s defenseless and weak, you’ve won!

       With one last look back at me, his blood red eyes flickered with and evil glow as a sinister smile crossed his face. "Nothing is going to save both of you now." His chilling laugh filled the room again, causing it to ring in my ears. Dazed, I looked around the room and saw my Phoenix Circles just a few feet from where I sat.

Either the plot demanded that…

I tried to get up, but my leg was hurt badly, so I fell back down.

…or Jenna just sucks shit! The rest is up to your interpretation.

Trying to drag myself, I got with in arms length of them, when a sudden flash of metal knocked my weapons further away. I looked up and saw Dark Link standing over me. "Ah…ah…ah…I cannot have you retrieve your weapons now can I?" He said in a sinister laugh as he waved a finger in front of him. "Now get back to where you were!" He said as his foot connected me in the jaw, causing me to fly back into the twisted tree.

Jen, this isn’t a Famous Studios Popeye cartoon, where the villain just pushes you to the side to advance on your man! You’re fighting the doppelganger of your husband, have some dignity!

"Now stay put this time, I will be back for you shortly!" He screeched as he turned and strode back towards Link.

“Just stay here, because I know I can trust you to stay in places for 5 minutes.”

      Lying there I felt my whole world starting to fall upon me.

Moon: You may think Majora’s Mask never happened and never will, but I’m gonna destroy this impure world regardless!

Its hopeless." I thought to myself as I huddled against the evil looking tree. "I failed miserably." "I failed Link." "My son, Link Jr." "What have I done?" "Its all over now, I failed them both." Burying my head in my hands, I started to cry. I felt as if I betrayed both Link and our son.

If there’s one thing Jenna can do unsurprisingly well, it’s bitching!

“Bwaaah! I’ve failed my husband and child! So instead of growing a pair and fighting this dark force of evil, I’ll just going to curl up into a ball thinking about how much my life sucks!”

Now our son will be orphaned,

And that’s a bad thing? Bitch, please!

Link and I prisoners to this twisted evil being.

Come to think of it, I’m actually baffled that Jenna doesn’t want to have a threesome with Link and Dark Link considering how similar in appearance Dark Link is to Real Link.

As I thought there was no hope left,

Grow the fuck up!

I heard a distant voice call out to me in my mind. Suddenly the void opened up and a flame rose in my mind. As the connection between Link and I was established, he called out to me. I floated in the emptiness, moved towards the flame. I saw Link's image dance within its red glow, as his voice called out from it.  "Jenna my love, you cannot give up, you cannot give in." "But he is just too strong, what can I do?" I said to him telepathically. "My love, search for the strength within." "Look into your heart and there will you find the answer."

Why stop there? Why not tell Jenna to use the Schwartz while you’re at it!

Then the void shattered around me, causing the flame to flicker out and our connection to break.

Incoming Deus Ex Machina

       Suddenly I felt something hot surge threw me. It raced threw my bones, raced threw my every vein, radiating to the very center of my being. My skin felt like it was burning, as if I was in a fire and the blood within me felt like it was boiling. A sudden burst of pain shot threw me bringing me to my knees, my screams filing into the air. I felt my hands starting to burn, and as I looked down at them, flames were dancing on the palms of my hands.

Dues Ex Machina acquired

       I screeched as the flames rose into mini fires,

Good to know those are two different things

its heat making sweat bead my face. The heat inside my body surged towards my hands, fueling the fires. And I felt a wave of blinding heat surround me, as my eyes watered. As the fires raged threw me, I felt something within me snap.

The sue received severe 3rd-degree burns and died. The End

Instincts of a pure fiery rage burst threw me, as an unknown fiery wind lifted me up surrounding my within its flames. My hair whipped around my shoulders and my dress whipped around my ankles as a scorching wind started to fill the room.

So what exactly is Dark Link doing in the middle of this? Is he practicing his evil laugh?
       Standing inside the mists of a hellish burning blaze my eyes narrowed as Dark Link suddenly realized what
was going on.

I mean who wouldn’t?

Just as his hooded head slowly turned to face the fiery hell that was looming over him, my hands rose as tunnels of fire shot out, snaking towards Dark Link with a burning vengeance. When the fiery hell connected with him, his twisted cries tore into the air as the fires engulfed him. As I moved forward, the air begun to fill with a crackling sound as lightning danced across the ceiling. The water in the room began to surge, creating a rushing of waves as the water pounded the walls. Then the ground started shaking, causing cracks to appear on the walls and small crevasses to open in the floor.

Jen, you’d better give us an explanation for all of this chaos that’s ensuing! And no, your character being the protagonist is not an excuse, neither is the fact that this is once again a superpower that you’ve pulled out of your ass!

       I watched as Dark Link's sneer shone threw the hell that engulfed him. He dropped into the swelling waters, dousing the fire, causing heated steam and smoke to rise from his charred clothes.

Despite the fact that the water here is ankle deep, meaning that he’d have to roll around just to put out the flames, which is actually pretty funny!

"You wretched bitch!" "I should have killed you!" He cursed, as he rose from the water, his face twisting into a devilish sneer.


"You're right, you should have killed me when you had the chance." "You're a fool, now its time to die you evil beast!"

Because mentioning how stupid the villain is totally makes the fact he’s a freaking idiot go away!

Raising my hands into the air, I summoned my powers and combined them into a fiery hell as it descended upon the shadowy evil while lightning and fire reined on him from the sky. The water surged beneath his feet as the floor shook under him, causing him to collapse to the ground. I watched as the Dark Link screamed, trying to fend off the hell that was upon him. But it was useless.

Despite the fact that the Sue just learned about these powers seconds ago, she somehow can use them without error, what a stretch!

       As the attack continued, I gracefully moved over to him.

Yeah, not exactly the moves I have in mind for these kinds of superpowers!

Lifting a hand up, I cried into the air, the sound piercing the howling noises cascading threw the room. And with all my strength I called upon my new powers combining them all into a gigantic energy ball of pure destruction.

With a flick of my wrist, the energy ball descended upon the Dark Being, engulfing him. With his last screams of agony, the energy ball imploded taking Dark Link with it.

Energy Ball: Om nom nom nom!

The chair reaction from the explosion sent me flying backwards and into a wall.

Sounds like something that would happen in a University’s bureaucracy.

Lying on the floor in the water, I looked around the shattered room and saw the elements still raging.


With my last ounce of strength, I raised my head up high as a blinding white light ascended from my body and filled the room causing all to go calm once more.

And the day is saved yet again by plot convenience!

       When I awoke, Link was sitting beside me, holding me in his dusty arms. Looking up at him, his eternal blue eyes stared deeply into mine. "Your awake my love, oh goddesses I thought I lost you!" "How are you feeling?" He said as he stroked my arm. "Ouch…oh my head hurts." I winced when I tried to move.

That’s what happens when you use your she-male dick to fight Dark Link!

"Take it easy my love, you landed into a wall."

You mean the ones that almost don’t exist!

Rubbing my head I felt something cold and wet.

Now’s not the time to be doing that, Jenna!

Lowering my hand I saw blood on my fingers, then the sight of the room caught my eye. "Oh my Goddesses…….what the hell happened here!?" I said in a raspy voice. "You don't remember?" Link questioned. I just shook my head.

Well, that was a pretty forgettable fight scene…

        "While I was bound to the wall, I watched helplessly as Dark Link sent you crashing into the tree that was there." "When you tried to regain your weapon, Dark Link caught you and kicked your weapon away, then kicked you back into the tree." " The next thing I knew, you were standing in the center of the room, your body on fire." "Then I felt a strong searing wind fill the room as pillars of flame shot out from your hands. " "The last thing I remember was that all hell broke loose and a strange ball of energy engulfed Dark Link, destroying him."

…but that doesn’t mean that you should be recapping everything we just saw!

"Those haunting screams he let out before he died, I swear I will never forget that."

You want a scream you’ll never forget? Here, here’s the scream of a ReDead, after hearing that, tell me how scary Dark Link is!

        "When I awoke, I was lying on the floor covered with dust and debris." "I begun to look around the room for you, and when I found you, you were lying on the floor unconscious and covered in blood." "I thought my worst fears came true, I thought I had lost you." I watched as tears welled up in Link's jeweled eyes. He leaned forward and held me close. Closing my eyes I laid my head against his chest, listening to the beating of his heart. I was still over whelmed, by what Link had just told me. I had no memory of those events.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU TWO??? Jenna fights a shadow demon which leads to mass destruction and all you two can think about is how much you love each other?

"Did I really have control over the elements?"

Yes, at this point you're the Avatar on top of everything else. Somebody kill me!

I thought to myself. "What really happened here?"

Something came out of your ass and you used it to your advantage!

"Did I really cause…..this?"


I glanced around the shattered room in disbelief. "How could I have caused such destruction?"

YOU’RE A SUE!!!! It’s as simple as that.

Lowering my eyes I looked at my hands again. Aside from the blood that was caked on them, I saw nothing on them that could have let me "Shoot Fire" from them.

“Wait wait, I think my OC is too much of a sue to be a relatable character, what can I do to make her more human? I got it, I should make her surprised by her Newfound Power even though I haven’t really established anything about Jenna other than the fact that she was a merchant girl and her family died! Who needs character? With it, I can’t have sex with Link all the time. I'm a genius!”

With a sigh, I looked back up at Link. "Link my love…can we go home?" With a smile he nodded as we got up and slowly made our way out of the strange mangled room.

My content can be found here.

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post Jan 29 2017, 09:29 AM
I’ve got nothing to do, so we’re going to take another look at Link’s Queens Sue Adventure in Hyrule. In the previous chapter, Link’s Queen defeated Dark Link in a highly improbably manner that involved the elements. Now we get the chance to see where they even come from.

A newfound power

       Emerging from the Water Temple, Link and I ascended from Lake Hylia and into the bright sunlight. The storm had stopped and all was quiet.

Oh, I’m sorry, am I supposed to know what the fuck’s going on here with the sporadic change in weather?

We held onto each other as we made our way to our horses.


Midnight Star and Star Dancer had found themselves some grass to gnaw on that had pushed its way up threw the snow.

How long have they been in that temple? Three days?

We pushed our way threw the deep snow and up to our awaiting horses.
       Link helped me into my saddle, then he removed the Iron Boots and replaced them with his regular ones, buckled the Master Sword back around his back, fastened his saddlebags, then mounted Midnight Star.

Because why not? Anything goes in the utopia that is Hyrule!

Looking back at me one last time he smiled. "Oh by the way my love, I managed to retrieve these."

“My breast implants! I love you Link!”

Raising his hand he held up my Phoenix Circles. I looked at him with a smile then took the weapon and fastened it to my belt.

Oh yeah! Those things the suethor barely described!

Then I nodded I was ready, I glimpsed back at the lake one last time before we booted our horses in the legs and headed for home leaving the Water Temple behind.

In short, Link and the sue got all of their stuff and left Lake Hylia! There, that’s how you write a story! The Cliffnotes version of this story shouldn’t be a novel long.

       When we reached home, we dismounted and ushered the horses back into the stable. Then we went into the house. After we walked, in I saw Ruto sitting by the fire with our little son. When she looked up at us, her eyes grew big with shock. Oh my Goddesses…what the hell happened to you two?" Removing the tattered Zora Tunic, I staggered to the couch and sat down. "We got the shit beat out of us." I replied darkly.

Is it me, or is it just unpleasant to see someone, anyone swear in the family-friendly kingdom of Hyrule?

I said family-friendly!

I watched as Link removed his damp cloak and scabbard then staggered over to the couch and sat down beside me. "Got the shit beat out of you…by who?!" Ruto questioned again with worry and shock. I looked directly into the Zora's concerned eyes. "It's a long story Ruto, are you up to it?" She nodded back in response.

It’s not really that long, all that really happened was that Dark Link wanted revenge on Link for some reason so he captured you two, you retrieved your weapons, fought Dark Link, you discovered a new power that the author most likely made up as she was writing the events of that battle, and you killed Dark Link.

       After we explained about our terrifying experience inside the Water Temple, Ruto's eyes stared at us in pure shock. "Oh my Goddesses…Jenna you have powers over the elements?" Ruto said with shock in her voice.

Yes, and you’re a sage. The water sage to be exact. Therefore you shouldn’t be thinking how great Jenna is compared to you.

"I'm not sure, I have no memory of the events Link described to me." "The last thing I remember, I was being knocked into the tree after Dark Link broke threw my defenses." "But Link said I destroyed his counter part inside a Hugh energy ball." I sighed shaking my head. "I still don't understand it, I never had powers like that before."

But yet by just having the power to control fire and lightning, you assume that you have power over all of the elements?

"Maybe they were dormant until now." Ruto added. "It's a possibility." Link said. "Hummm…you have a point, but I wonder what could have activated it." I responded skeptically. "Maybe it was activated threw the immense anger, you experienced when Dark Link attacked you." Link said as he took a sip of his honey tea.

That is how you DISCOVERED she had those powers, the real concern here is how the fuck she got these powers!

I pondered the thought, wondering if that could be what happened, but it still sounded too farfetched.

Nah, after reading the Author’s Note, and the increased number of active volcanoes in the world in recent years, it makes so much sense!

"I think I should go see Princess Zelda tomorrow." "Maybe she can help answer this." I said as I looked at Ruto."Well I think that's a wise decision, maybe she can help." Ruto said as Link nodded in agreement.

God forbid Jenna be wrong about anything.

Looking over at Link, his eyes seemed to glow with anticipation. For a moment I was able to read his mind threw them, only to have the connection break.

“Aw man, I was going to get to the part where the monkey and mayonnaise start to marry one another and then have a bonding ceremony.”

       "Well it's been a long day." "I'm tired and I want to get cleaned up, lets call it a day." I said as I eyed Link over. "You can stay here tonight Ruto." "I still don't think it would be wise for you to head back to Zora's Domain until morning." I said as I handed Ruto a pillow and blankets.

No shit! It was already established it was shit outside. Stop wasting our time with dialogue like this!

"Thank you kindly." Ruto returned appreciatively as she took the blankets from me and proceeded to make a place for herself by the fire.

"I'm going to send Lilly and Navi to sleep down here tonight, if you should need anything, they'll get it for you." I said as Ruto nodded in return.

It’s pretty freaking pathetic to see three balls of light, doing the chores around this place, you lazy bint.

       "Yawn" "Well I'm heading up, coming Link?" I asked him tiredly. "Yes my love, I need to clean up as well." He said as he ascended the stairs behind me.
       As I prepared our bath, Link was busy removing the tattered clothes from his body. While I watched the water swell in the tub from the heat, I begun to think of what Link said. The notion that I might have powers over the elements frightened me, since I had no idea if I would even be able to control such power. I just hoped that if I had such power, that I would be able to take control of it.

Jen, don’t make me laugh. You just suggested that Jenna had full power over these new abilities in the previous chapter.

       When the water was ready, I removed my tattered and torn dress, and call for Link to join me. Slipping down into the water, it was a relief to finally remove the dust and dirt from my body. I slipped over to Link and into his muscular arms.

Alright, taking a bath after the battle of the times, that makes sense. But now’s not the time to have sex again!

I huddled against him as he took the wash rag and begun to clean my wounds and scrub away the dried blood.

Wait, no sex? Jen, have you ever thought about how the tone of your story effects the overall meaning?

As I laid there, inside Link's strong arms, I felt secure, felt protected. Even in light of what befell us that day, I was glad that I went with him.

Once again, it’s fucking sickening to see you take anybody’s roles when all you do is treat everyone like they’re your fucking slaves!

Who knows what might have happened if I didn't. He could have still been prisoner to his evil counter part.

Actually, I’m pretty sure he’d make it out just fine without you, unless you’re still implying that you’re now stealing Link’s thunder. In fact, I think he’d make it out a lot better without you there seeing how Dark Link’s “revenge” was to take you away from him.

Though everything that happened that day still haunted me, it haunted my dreams. And that night, was the first night when sleep evaded me.

If it weren’t for the fact that Dark Link wasn’t that much of a threat to either of them, because he’s an idiot, this would actually be more convincing.

       Morning came and the morning sun washed threw the window and into the room. I opened my sleepless eyes and stirred out of bed. I walked over to the crib where our son laid. His sweet little face was so innocent as he slept peacefully in his crib with his fairy Aria snuggled next to him. I reached in and gently brushed my fingers across his soft cheek, smiling to myself as I watched him sleep. "I love you my son." "I don't know what would've happened to you if you lost us."

You’re best friends with the princess of Hyrule, and the King sees your waste of semen as his freaking grandson! The most that’ll probably happen is that he’ll become a disciplined prince instead of a whiny piece of shit.

A single tear trickled down my face. "Don't worry my son, the face of death isn't going to keep us away from you." I said as I gently placed a little kiss on his forehead.
       Rising, I walked over to the other side of the bed where Link was sleeping and knelt down beside him. Taking my hand, I gently brushed his fine blonde hair out from over his eyes and placed my lips close to his.  Softly I kissed his firm lips, tasting the honey still on them from the tea he drank the night before.

So if you’ve dreamt this, and this story is supposed to tell us exactly everything you’ve remembered, you’d also had to have remembered the taste of his lips! The Creep Factor has just risen up to 12!

Then a glint caught my eye as he opened his beautiful jeweled eyes. "Hi." I said to him softly.

“Aw shit, not this again” Link thought.

"Hi." He whispered back knowing that he can’t escape the clucthes of the sue at this point. "We should head over to the castle soon." I said, kissing him again.

“I know it’s 3 o’clock in the morning, but I just had to wake you up just to let you know that.”

       Stirring out of bed, Link yawned then got up and went to dress his bandages while I went to check on Ruto and prepare breakfast. Descending the staircase, I saw Ruto's sleeping form on the floor in front of the fire.

Glancing around the room, I noticed Lilly and Navi sleeping on the mantel of the fireplace.

Don’t they have little huts they can sleep in? What the fuck are two little balls of light doing next to an open flame where they’ll most likely catch on fire?

Softly I called for our fairies. "Lilly, Navi, wake up." Stirring, Lilly looked over at me. Then sleepily she got up and flew over. "Whats wrong Jenna?” She said as she muffled a yawn. "Nothing, I just wanted to know how Ruto was doing. "Did she sleep well last night?" I questioned, concern filling my eyes. "She did just fine, the only thing she asked for in the middle of the night was she needed some water to wet her body, since she had remained too long out of the water."

Which makes you wonder why Ruto didn’t think about sleeping in the tub. Even then, why couldn’t she get the water herself?

"Is she ok now?" I questioned Lilly.
       Just then, Ruto stirred awake as she sat up, her sky blue eyes watching us. "Morning, how do you feel Jenna?" Ruto questioned as she muffled a yawn. "Still a little sore, but I didn't sleep well, that day is still haunting me." My face faltered as I felt the effects of that day coming back again.

Who’s fault is that?

I’m going to skip over some of this since the next scene is just Ruto fawning over the Sue. Like we haven’t seen that before.

        After breakfast, Link and I saddled the horses and headed for the castle. With one last look back, I waved to Ruto as she disappeared into the tunnel leading back to Zora's Domain.

I can’t help but think that Link, Ruto, and Jenna all had a threesome together and the suethor didn’t bother to talk about it.

"I think we should get going." Link stated as he glanced over at me. I secured Link jr in his portable carrier, then booted Star Dancer in the legs and followed Link.

By the way you’re describing it, you’re making me think your sue child is being carried in one of these things.

Snow kicked up behind our horse's powerful hooves as they dug into the ground, unearthing it. Leaving the Lost Woods and entering Hyrule field, I saw that snow still blanketed most of everything and a slight winter chill lingered in the air. I felt my body heat up as the cold tingled my senses. Getting nervous, I urged my mare to move faster. I watched as Hyrule castle started to loom over us. Approaching it, the drawbridge lowered and we proceeded to cross. The sound of our horse's hooves made a clopping sound

“You’ve got to entrails of coconut and you’re banging them together!”

as we crossed the wood bridge.

     Upon entering the Market Place, I heard it bustling with activity as people went about their daily wares. We slowed our horses to a trot and headed for the gates to the castle, the sound of their hooves made a clicking sound on the stone pathway as we went. When we reached the first gate, I saw that my good old friend Perrino was on duty.

…Who? Oh yeah, wasn’t he that guy from Chapter 1, where I claimed he would never appear again? Well, it turns out he’s contributed so much to this story than I originally gave him credit for, like how he confirmed his name was Perrino. He’s such a memorable character, that I find it ridiculous to forget this character ever existed!

"Hello my old friend how are you?" I called out to him. Smiling back at me he spoke. "Hello Mistress Jenna, I've been fine." "Do you wish to see the Princess today?" Nodding in response, he raised the gate and allowed us to pass. "Thanks my friend." I said as we rode past. We went up the small path that lead to the main gate. When we reached it, the guards opened it then went to summon Princess Zelda.

Don’t think that Perrino’s appearing without any real reason didn’t impact Jen’s dreams!

       Upon her arrival, she wore a surprised look. "What brought you here in this terrible cold?" She questioned. "Zelda, we have to talk, it's important." Link said sternly. Her expression changing, she called the stable hands to take our horses to the Royal Stable, then led us inside. Then we were taken to the study.

There, Zelda stabbed Jenna with a candlestick.

Once there, Zelda ordered for the servants to bring refreshments, and warm blankets.

But because Jenna doesn’t know how to control her powers even though she was able to use them without error earlier, she accidentally blew a hole in the wall.

Link and I sat down on a cushioned couch while Zelda sat in a chair across from us.

Ooh, I love symbolism, especially when it shows Zelda means diddly-squat to Hyrule.

"So…tell me what is of such great importance that you two came all the way here in the chilling cold with your little son?"

That’s a very good point Zelda, why don’t you just leave the child with the fairies, and why aren’t they with you to begin with? Aren’t they supposed to watch over you or some bullshit like that?

Zelda questioned, worry cracking in her voice. "Its about Jenna, Princess…we had a very….ummm….disturbing encounter in the Water Temple yesterday." Link said solemnly. "WHAT?!……Water Temple, what were you two doing there?" Zelda cried, her eyes wide with shock. "It's a long story my friend, do you have time?" I asked. "I have all the time in the world." Zelda replied crossing her arms.

“I don’t have kingdom to rule or anything, so sure, tell me about your retarded adventures.”

Yeah the sue may have taken her title, but at this point, I’m just going to pretend that Link and Jenna are just peasants.

       After we told her about our encounter with Dark Link, and about my supposed control over the elements. I watched as Zelda's eyes widened, pure shock and terror filled into them. "Dark Link…..control over the elements…..Jenna's body on fire!?" "What the hell…….?"

Say goodbye to the innocent Princess Zelda, now bastardized to swear like a sailor, we’re all going to miss you!

Zelda said in a choked voice. "Zelda my friend, I still don't quite understand it myself." "That is why we are here, you being a sage, almost as powerful as Rauru, we thought you could help."

Regardless of what your hate boner says about Zelda, you can’t deny the fact that Zelda is the most powerful sage there is, she’s not just the princess of Hyrule, she’s actually the leader of the sages. For the love of god, she possess a piece of the Triforce, the most powerful relic in the land. Therefore, you should be able to come to the conclusion that Zelda is definitely more powerful than Rauru, who doesn’t do shit throughout the game.

I said, then my eyes lowered, turning towards the fireplace and staring down into the flames. "If I really have such power…I'm afraid I might not be able to control it."

Good, now why don’t you use those powers on yourself and die!

I heard Zelda rustle, then rise and walk over to me. Gently she placed a hand on my shoulder, and I looked up at her, her blue eyes glowing with concern. "Don't worry my friend, we will find out if such power runs threw your veins, and if you do, then I will help you master control over it."

How do you know that this is genetic? How do you know she didn’t just contract this from drinking something?

Smiling, she looked into my eyes and a wash of calm ran threw me. I looked back over at Link and establishing a connection between us, I begun to talk to him telepathically.
       "Don't worry my sweet love…Zelda knows what she's doing." "I have full confidence in her abilities."

“Because of that, she’s not the Queen of Hyrule, and she doesn’t get to marry me!”

Link said, his voice floating threw my mind. "I believe you my love, she has always had great abilities."


It’s time to skip more shit before I get an aneurism over this!

        "First off…we need to establish a connection between you and the power." Zelda finally said. "Lets work with the fire element first." "I want you to focus, clear your mind of all thoughts and concentrate on a single flame."

If only I were watching The Last Airbender instead of reading this!

She said calmly. I closed my eyes and slowly my mind cleared of all thoughts. I felt the void open up around me, sending me into a darkness. I floated around in the blackness, searching for the flame. I watched, waited, then suddenly I saw a glow as a small flame begun to rise. "Do you see it?" Zelda inquired. "Yes…yes I do." I responded as I watched the flame in my mind slowly start to dance.

*sings* Spooky scary skeletons send shivers down your spine.

        "Now concentrate on it, make it a part of you." Zelda stated again. I stared at the flame…focused on it, tried to make it a part of me. Then I reached out for it, tried to touch it. When my hand grazed over it, I felt a burning sensation, and jerked my hand back. "OUCH….dammit." I cried as the flame flickered out and the void shattered. "What happened?" Zelda asked, watching me cradle my hand. "It burnt me when I tried to touch it." I returned angrily, cradling my throbbing hand.

That’s the most interesting news I’ve heard since I’ve heard that there’s ice in the winter time.

*sings* Skip It! Skip It!

       Then I heard a voice call out to me. "Jenna…..look." I opened my eyes and saw an amazing sight.

It’s not the end of this story is it?

There on my finger tips were two flames dancing across them. My eyes grew big as I looked from Zelda to Link, who were just as wide eyed as me. "Oh…my Goddesses…I did it." "I really did it." I cried as a tear ran down my cheek. "Then its true…you really do have elemental powers." Zelda returned shocked.

Or pyrokeneisis as we normal people like to call it. Apparently, if you have control over fire, that automatically means you have control over every other element there is.

I looked at her then to my hands.

What is that supposed to mean?

I watched as the flames danced across my fingertips, its glow reflecting off the palms of my hands.

You no Physics! Y you no Physics?

I played with it, moved my fingers around as the flames danced from one finger to another. I giggled as the flames moved with my hands, and jumped when I flicked a finger. Then suddenly the flames flickered out and a small fire rose in the palms of my hands. "What happened?" Zelda asked worried. I looked at her slowly graying eyes then faltered to the small fire in my hand. "I just thought of a small fire in my hands then poof…the flames on my fingertips went out and this rose up in my hands."

Narrator: Suddenly, X happened…

Zelda: What just happened?

Jenna: Y just happened!

       "Jenna… Zelda clasped her hands over he mouth, you really do have control over the elements."

So you’re not going to see if she actually has full control over the other elements, and just assume she has control over all of them? Next thing you’ll know she’s probably going to flood Hyrule and cause a massive hurricane with earthquakes to boot.

"The power was really inside you all this time…it just took something drastic to happen in your life for it to activate."

My foot…Zelda’s the leader of the sages, and this is what she’s so impressed with?

I stared at her wide eyed, unable to move. "You mean I was born with this ability?" I said my voice raspy from shock. "It's a possibility, or maybe something happened to you during your life where you acquired it from somewhere." "Do you have any recollection of anything strange that happened to you before your encounter in the Water Temple?" Zelda asked.

“Well, I did marry some guy I barely know and went to a weird ass bonding ceremony where we tripped out.”

I thought for a moment. Tried to remember if I ever had anything really strange happen to before my encounter with Dark Link.

“Hmm, a million things already happened in this story at once, so I can’t decide.”

       But the only thing I remembered where something drastic ever happened to me, was when my parents died. "Nothing has happened that I remember, only thing is when my parents died when I was a little girl." I returned solemnly "

But just saying that doesn’t make it drastic. Who were they? What happened when they died? How did they die? What importance did they have in your life when they were still alive? How did the death affect your life? I’m not asking much from you, I just want a well written backstory that’s not, “Oh, my parents are dead, so that means people should feel sorry for me.”

Hmmm…do you think your parents ever had any special abilities?" Zelda questioned.

Well, they managed to birth a Sue, and they raised her to think she’s special!

"Well I remember when we would have dry spells on the farm where I'm from, my mother would sing to the sky and it would rain." "I also remember that my father was always good with the earth." "Our farm always was prosperous, the crops my father grew were always the best in our village." I looked back down at the small glowing fire in my hands as its gentle warmth, warmed the chill from my body.

So Jenna’s parents were a pair of farming wizards with no clear application of their element controlling powers? Nice try, but that shit don’t cut it.

       "Jenna…there is no other explanation." "Your parents must have had some elemental powers, and it transferred to you." "But both of them seemed to only have one power." "Your mother with the power of water, and your father with the power of earth." "But one thing still has me baffled, how did you come to possess the power of wind and fire?" Zelda asked in amassment.

There’s no evidence that these particular powers are genetic, so how could you come to the conclusion that they are?

       I watched the puzzled looks that appeared on Zelda and Link's faces. Never had they encountered someone in Hyrule with control over the elements.

Yes, no one they’ve ever met had control over the elements…

…absolutely no one.

Stories of Hylian's possessing elemental powers only existed in the dark ages of Hyrule.

No, they didn’t. Elemental powers have always existed in Hyrule.

Most thought that  the people who possessed such powers were thought to have died out hundreds of years ago.

Most thought these elementalists were dead, but it turns out they weren’t thought to be dead.

Stories for told that if one who possess powers over the elements should ever show up in Hyrule, then the land will truly be blessed. Protected by the one with powers of the ancients. But no one ever thought the stories were true. It was told to be only a myth, but now that one did show up, would this be Hyrule's great protector? With the thought that Gannon might somehow return, would I be the one to protect Hyrule from such darkness?

Oh yes, of course, Link defeating Ganon had no real effect on Hyrule. And as “Hyrule’s” protector, you sure did drop the ball for seven years.

I looked at Link and Zelda, who were staring at me with blank stares. "I believe that when she was born, the powers of earth and water transferred from her parents, but she must have been born with her own set of powers." "That would explain her power over fire and wind." Link added his calm stare upon my face. Zelda just looked from me to him. Her face expressionless.

Ok, so apparently these powers are genetic, at least that’s what I’m inferring since the author obviously wants me to infer it. Well then, if that were the case, how do Earth and Water mix to create Fire and Wind? So not only did you fail in Biology and Physics, you apparently don’t have a very good understanding of Chemistry either.

       Then her gaze landed on the small fire in my hands. "Jenna…there are stories that     once in the dark ages of Hyrule, there were Hylians that once possessed powers over the elements, but it was believed that they all died out in the time of the (10)Great War of the Lands."

And what is that?

(10) The Great War of the Lands was a terrible and devastating war that befell six different Kingdoms and cities including Hyrule hundreds of years ago.

Jen, there’s tons of shit in the land of Hyrule that you can work with, there’s no need to rewrite the history of it.

The war was started when a group of evil invaders from the northern continents invaded the Kingdom of Avalon and kidnapped the Princess. When the king of Avalon suspected the neighboring kingdom of Kalence of kidnapping his daughter, he sent in his army to retrieve her, only to be met with hostility sent by Kalence's king. When the king of Kalence tried to convince the king of Avalon that he did not capture his daughter, the king of Avalon did not believe him, thus started the Great War of the Lands.

So apparently, this war started because Avalon was an idiot? Michael Dante DiMartino must be kicking himself for not realizing the potential a story like this could have in the Last Airbender instead of the complex story he had given us.

This war lasted twenty years and caused peaceful civilizations and kingdoms to be forced to takes sides, fighting in a war that wasn't even theirs.

Why did they even get involved in the first place? It’s not like the Avalonians and Kalencians interfered with those kingdoms too.

Many lands and peaceful creatures suffered during this dark time, even Hyrule who sided with Avalon. Hyrule suffered heavy losses, much of the population was killed or died of disease. It took many years after the war ended for Hyrule and the other lands that fought in the war to regain their numbers. And it was only after a brave band of knights that sided together from each of the feuding countries that found out who really captured Avalon's princess and cleared Kalence's name, thus ending the twenty year war.

It turns out we mistaken this one guy for some other guy, which lead to the death of millions, Whoopsie! Oh, and we found the princess dead since it took us 20 years to even think about looking for her!

I swear to the heavens, the only character I’ve seen with any trace of braincells in this story is Mido.

"This devastating war befell Hyrule hundreds of years ago, killing half of Hyrule's population." "But it was believed that it was the (11)" Silverlites" or elemental users, that were the ones who saved Hyrule and ended the Great War."

Silverite… the elements. Besides Silver actually being an element, I don’t think of a warlock that can control Fire, Wind, Water, and Earth when I hear “Silverite.” Anyway, time for more footnotes! Yay!

(11) The Silverlites were a race of magic uses that had control over the elements during the time of the Great War.

And they never had these powers any other time, just this one crisis.

This once peaceful race once lived among Hyrule's population, using their control over the elements to help Hyrule prosper.

But then they just joined the war because of mashed potatoes with gravy.

Then they were thrust into the war after Hyrule was forced to take sides, causing the Silverlites to fight for the protection of Hyrule.

But why? Hyrule had nothing to do with the conflicts that went on between Avalon and Kalence.

Much of this race was killed before the war ended, leaving only a few left. Then they just seemingly vanished.

Because let’s face it, they were just a bunch of rocks.

Some say that the remaining Silverlites crossed the dangerous Barron Sea or headed for the Land of Gargath.

Shut up, there’s more to building a world than making places up with weird sounding names.

Some even say that they all were captured and executed by Kalence just before the end of the war, however there is no evidence to show of their whereabouts but it is said that if one of the great Silverlites should ever come back to Hyrule, the land would be blessed with protection and propensity.

We said this for no other reason but to show how special Jenna is.

"The stories also state that if a "Silverlite" should ever return to Hyrule, the land would be blessed with peace and prosperity." Zelda's gaze fell on me, her expression warm yet serious. "I'm not too sure if you could be a descended of the Silverlites, but one thing is sure, you are an elemental user." Zelda said her eyes reflecting the glow of the fire still burning in my hands.

What, but, Jenna just…and you said…you knew about the legend and…forget it.

       "I think we should continue the training of your powers, Jenna." "We need to make sure you can fully control the elements." I nodded in agreement but one thought flashed into my mind. "Zelda my friend, I have one question." "I just thought of something, you said that my parents transferred their powers to me when I was conceived, but what about our son?" "Do you think its possible that Link jr. might have acquired the powers as well?" I said as Link looked at me with shock. "I never thought of that…yes it might just be possible."

This has to be another excuse for them to have more brats.

"But he may still be too young to tell." "Even though if that is possible, the thought of Silverlites still existing is one of the greatest things to happen to Hyrule."

But you’re the Hero of fucking Time, you’re destined to fight the evil that goes on in Hyrule.

Then Zelda's gaze shifted to Link. "You truly have a very special wife Link." "A possible descended of the great Silverlites." Zelda said happily.

Yes, let’s go on about how wonderful the sue is.

        I watched as Link's gaze shifted to me. His powerful arms embraced me as his gentle lips kissed mine. For a moment I was in another world as Link's gentle kiss warmed my soul. And I knew at that moment, that even if I was one of the Silverlites, Link would always be with me, always be at my side.

The Hero of Time with a freaking Warlock that can control all four elements? No way in hell Link will be supportive of that, even when he has the IQ of a goldfish?

       I looked into Link's eyes one last time then looked back to Zelda. The fire danced in my hand as if it was alive, causing her expression to change into a happy one. I giggled as I did tricks with my new found power. I was now more then I had become. I became something different. Some one of great power and of legend.

That’s not how it works, you don’t just discover you have some weird power. You have to be someone people can actually give two shits about.

Embrace yourselves folks, the following poorly formatted paragraph will rock our socks.

                                     It was later determined that I was a descended
                                     of the great Silverlite race. My powers were
                                     of the great elements. I was trained under Zelda
                                     and I became someone of great power. Now I'm
                                     one of Hyrule's most powerful protectors, here to
                                     help the "Hero of Time" my love, protect the land from
                                     evil. Under the training of the Sages, I became one
                                     of the Sacred Realm, the one chosen by the Goddesses
                                     to protect the Legendary Triforce

This post has been edited by VGtree054: Jan 29 2017, 01:30 PM

My content can be found here.

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post Feb 5 2017, 02:06 PM
What’s better an entire chapter devoted to piss drinking and spiritual connections? How about an entire chapter devoted to an entire sex scene! Strap in folks, if you've never read this story before, trust me when I say that reading this chapter alone highlights just how bad it is!

Life Resumes (Anniversary Night)

       A year has passed since I discovered that I was a descended of the Silverlite race.

This is the first sentence of this chapter, and I already fucking hate it! You mean to tell me that nothing happened for 365 days since the previous chapter? Also, Zelda just THOUGHT you were a Silverlite, that doesn’t mean she’s absolutely certain of it.

I became appointed under the Goddesses to protect the Legendary Triforce along with the "Hero of Time". And became one of the most powerful in all of Hyrule.

These are exact excerpts from the baw-fest called the “author’s notes”:

Jenna is a persona char, one that resembles my personality while this story is being told from her perspective.

It was never in my intentions to create Jenna as a “Mary Sue” char or to make her conceited, because I’m not really like that.

If you’re not conceited, then I must be the least conceited chap you could meet.

Though life resumed between Link and I. Our son was now a year and half old. He was now walking and has learned to speak certain words.

Those words were: “sue”, “fanatic”, “fawning”, and “vainglorious”.

Epona gave birth to her colt just two weeks after the Water Temple incident and is now pregnant again. The beautiful colt she gave birth to is female with a brown body, white mane and tail with a black mussel and black patches around her hooves. The youngling is now a year old.

Now you randomly decide now’s the time for Epona to birth a colt, probably named Star Sparkles? First you wanted to have Epona birth her around the same time you birthed Link Jr, then you randomly decide she should birth her. Even then, that would still make her pregnancy half a year too short.

Link has prospered in the military. He is now fleet general of the king's entire army.

I beg your pardon? Fleet general? *bursts out in laughter* Link can’t lead a fleet and be a general at the same time. A fleet is a navy, while general implies that he leads and army, two completely different things, plus the title just sounds stupid and made up because it is!

Link was promoted after he stopped an assassination attempt on the King's life six months ago.

Why would there be a need to assassinate the King? Who the fuck tried to kill the king?

Lilly and Navi have been keeping us protected.

But for the 99% of the time they weren’t, they were just being an overhyped maid version of Navi and her clone.

Over the last year they had helped keep our livestock safe from the wolfos that sill roamed the Lost Woods.


This is a wolfo:

And just for clarification, this is what Navi and her clone are supposed to look like:

You sound like you’re talking out of your ass.

Our farm was prospering, the crops were producing fine vegetables that year. And our fruit trees were producing unusual size fruit.

Does anything seem off? Like the fact that a fruit tree is producing produce that’s about the size of a minivan?

And I'm now four months pregnant.

How many times did this bitch have an abortion? She’s had sex with Link 7 times already, counting this instance if you consider that she’s four months pregnant, which means she’s had more tiger sex we thankfully haven’t heard about, four months ago.

       Our life together was nothing like ever before. The love Link and I share bonded even deeper over the last year.

It’ll crash through rock bottom before this bond is fully satisfied. Hell if I know if I the bond will be fully satisfied when it hits the fucking Challenger Deep.

We had been married for almost two years now. Our second anniversary was in just a few days. I had been planning for days to have a very special anniversary this year. So I had gone to Cantara City to get Link a very special gift.

What the fuck is Cantara City? Hyrule has a fekking market you know.

I had saved my rupees for the entire year and I managed to get him a gold hilted dagger encrusted with jewels and a gold dragon pendant.  I was going to make this year one to remember.

Where do you get the money to buy something like that? Correct me if I’m wrong, but if this story is in a Middle Aged based environment, then you shouldn’t be paid that much money for farming. That was generally considered a peasant’s job. But let’s assume she get’s money because some bullshit prophecy says she’s the “chosen one”, and therefore gets a job as a guardian. Why would it take one year to get the money to buy the dagger. Even if we didn’t put all of that into consideration, why would Link need a dagger when he clearly doesn’t need one? I’m sure not having a dagger is the least of a “fleet general’s” concern.

       Then the day had arrived. The day of our anniversary. I nearly had spent the entire day preparing for the most romantic evening ever. I had Zelda take Link jr., Aria and our fairies to stay with her and Impa at the castle for the night so Link and I could be alone.

YOU BITCH! You now reduce the leader of the Sages and the Sage of the Shadows to your personal babysitters just so that you can fuck Link? You’re a despicable sack of shit, you know that?

While I prepared dinner, I got into a sexy red dress and got all the "extras" we would need to have a memorial night.

Here, you need one of these.

Then I lit all the candles around the room and put out the oil lamps to create a romantic setting. After I finished preparing dinner, I lit the candles on the table, put the food out and waited for Link. About ten minuets later, I heard a horse coming up to the stable. I removed my apron and rushed to the door to great my "hero" home.

Take notes women of the world: Even if you have the power to control the elements, you must still act like a 50s housewife.

As Link entered the door his eyes widened. "Oh my Goddesses…you look sexy tonight my love." He whispered into my ear as he pulled me into his arms kissing me forcefully.

*shivers in disgust*

Then we drew apart and I looked into his sexy jeweled eyes.

At this point, I’m barely under suspension of disbelief. Now it seems like Link actually has jeweled eyes. The strange rituals of Hyrule, I tell you.

"I love you my sweet love, how I missed you today." "And I as well." Link said as he handed me a bouquet of roses, then he pulled me inside closing the door. When he scanned the room, he was in shock. "Wow my love…this all looks great." Link said as his eyes sparkled under the candlelight. "

I get Link’s trying to be all romantic, but this anniversary so far isn’t anything special, particularly because you’ve done all of this before!

"Happy anniversary my love." I said as I handed him the gift. "Thank you sweet heart." He returned as he put his gift down on the table. Then he went into the pouch he had at his belt and pulled out a gold box. "Happy anniversary too my goddess." Link said softly as he handed the golden wrapped box to me.

[colo="#00BFFF"]For fuck's sake author, this is what Link describes Jenna as and you still don’t get why people would consider your character “conceited” or “Mary-Sueesque”?

I took it and opened it to reveal a gold necklace with a gold Triforce pendant encrusted with diamonds and matching earrings. "Oh my Goddesses……I just love it! " I cried as tears welled up in my eyes. Then Link took the necklace and put it on around my neck. "It looks beautiful on you. "

Question! What do you do with all of this bling anyway? You’ve been collecting tons of shit you don’t need and/or have never used ever since this story began! She must use the Ocarina of Time as a dildo, or she uses Zelda’s dead grandmother’s necklace as anal beads.

Link said as he started kissing my slender neck. As he bit down gently on my neck, I turned my head to face him as I stroked the back of his neck.

Who does he think he is, Edward Cullen?

       "Mmmm….Link, you should go open your gift. "I whispered softly into his pointed ear. Link moved his head down and started kissing my shoulder. "Your right my love, I'm going to open it now." He walked back over to the table and took the box into his hand, then pulled the ribbon off and opened it. "Holy crap….oh my goddesses I love you!" He said as he held the gold dagger encrusted with jewels in his hands. Taking the dagger he swished it into the air a few time before putting it into the sheath I provided for him.

Apparently, Link’s still ten years old mentally.

Then I walked into his arms again and looked into his rippling blue eyes. "Did you see what else was in the box?" I said softly as I put my hands against his muscular chest. "There's more?" Link said with surprise. "Look under the tissue my love." Rustling the tissue aside his eyes widened with shock as he held the gold dragon pendant in his broad hand. "You're the greatest my dear wife." Link said as he grabbed me and pulled me into his arms once again.

I don’t understand your motivations for hiding Link’s second gift, this is something a parent would do with their children during the holidays.

Ladies and gentlemen, low and behold the longest, and possibly the worst sex scene in the entire story.


       Slowly he lowered his head down again, his breath tickled my skin as he gently nibbled on my neck causing ripples of pleasure to run down my spine. I reached up and ran my hand down his cheek as small moans of pleasure escaped passed my lips. Then I felt his lips move slowly up my neck, then to my mouth as he kissed me forcefully, his tongue slipping past my lips. As out tongues entwined I felt his hands trickling up my sides as he started sliding down the straps of my dress. My body started quivering under his gentle touch as he slid the top of my dress down freeing my breasts. He took his hand and gently ran it over my breast, his fingers teasing the nipple, causing it to become erect, turning it into a small hard pebble. The sensation of his fingers caressing my sensitive nipples sent shocks of pleasure threw my body, causing louder moans to pass my lips.
        Gently he pushed me into the living room, by the fire as he continued to pulled my dress slowly down my body, then letting it drop to the floor as his eyes hungrily drank in my nakedness.

Since we’re killing time at the moment, have either of you noticed at all that you haven’t had your dinner yet? It’s probably a good idea to eat it before it gets cold. Not to mention you’ve left a bunch of unattended open flames while you’re having sex. How does this place not burn to the ground?

Then he laid me down, getting on top of me as his lips moved back to mine, his tongue entering my mouth again. I let my hands run up under his tunic, feeling my way to the top as I gently pulled it off and tossed it aside. Then Link begun to slowly kiss his way down my body, first to my neck, to crevice between my breasts,

The fact you make the word crevice into a verb in this context makes me imagine he’s trying to rip your fucking heart out.

Kali Ma!

then stopping at the navel as he kissed and caressed it with his tongue.

Must I do a Google search on everything in this story? Are there people that are actually turned on by other people licking the inside of their navel?

I clicked on the fourth link, and here’s what I found:

Caress his penis and lick his belly button at the same time. Draw a line with your tongue from his belly button downward, then gently blow on the line to create a tingling sensation. Alternate between hot and cold air for stimulation overload, says Needle.

Link continued to assault my body with his lips and tongue,

The imagery here is disturbing. If his lips and tongue are “assaulting” her, what are his hands doing to her?

causing my body to shudder with feelings of pleasure and ecstasy as I reached up and slipped off his white undergarment, exposing the rest of his heavenly naked body. The candlelight reflected off his immaculate skin,

Again, since when did Link become Edward Cullen?

as I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him down on top of me, forcing our lips to meet again. As we kissed deeply, passionately, our tongues intertwining once again, I had begun to feel his heart beating along side mine as the connection between us became full.

Oh look, their vaguely defined connection is doing vague things again! Will it ever end?

         Then we drew apart and he slowly rose up, taking one hand and gently running it over my breasts again, his fingertips teasing the hard mounds as the other slid its way down my body,

*Holds Geiger Counter* Oh my!

first to my thighs, then between my legs. Then his hand pressed down into me as his fingers slid past the lips of my flower, causing my back to arc as a loud moan moved out my mouth and tore into the air. Then I cried out in ecstasy again as his fingers probed upward and brushed against my clitoris, causing it to fill with blood and become hard. It felt soo good. Felt soo intense.

Imagine how disturbing it would be if a man said their dick filled with blood when they masturbate! It certainly wouldn’t mean the same thing as getting hard!

My whole body convulsed, shuddered as he teased the clit by rolling the hard sensitive part between his fingers. Then my body suddenly convulsed when he slid his fingers further down and gently pushed two fingers deep inside me, the new sensation causing my back to arc again as my soft moans suddenly turned into loud tiger cries.

I know I frown upon a fan fiction when it obviously uses the thesaurus, but if this fan fiction wants to cure itself from its constant monotony, I’m afraid there’s no other option.
       "Oh....my Goddesses….grrrr....Link..more baby.....LINK!"

"I've got a fever, and the only prescription…is more baby!"

I screamed in pure ecstasy as his gentle steady made my legs quake.

Here’s a good question, if Link’s just stimulating the sue’s pussy, why the fuck is the sue spasming?

Then he pushed his fingers in deeper, his thrusts reaching back to my G spot while his other hand teased the hard mounds on my breasts.

Oh I see, so Link wasn’t teasing your rock-hard breasts earlier, he was teasing the cancerous tumors on them!

Then Link quickened his attacks as he sensed that my body was starting to be thrust over the edge. This combination of attacks Link was placing upon my shuddering, pulsating body caused my back arc and twisted, while my cries of ecstasy tore into the air.

I thought Link was having sex with Jenna, not killing her!

Slowly I started to climax and when he rubbed his fingers against the most sensitive spot inside me, I screamed out as my body was finally thrust over the edge and into heaven ….."UNGH…OH MY GODDESSES…..LINK!" I cried as I gushed down Link's hand, the warm juices dripping threw his fingers.

So the pussy juices are not just dripping around the finger, but they’re dripping into his finger too?

       Falling back panting I looked into his sexy blue eyes as I saw a burning desire glowing in them. Then I got up and put my lips near his, whispering softly to him against them. "Now my love, it my turn."

You selfish bitch! I can count the number of times you brought him on first on one hand!

I said seductively as I reached up and clasped my hands on his broad shoulders and gently pushed him onto the floor.  After I pushed him down on the floor, I straddled him, laying my hands against his chest as I begun to slowly trickle my fingers-tips over his hard muscular body. His body quivered under my touch as soft moans rose up from his throat and out his mouth.

You know, if you were to rearrange these sex scenes in any random order, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t make a fucking difference.

        I let my soft hands trace over the muscular outlines of his infatuated body, feeling the silkiness of his immaculate skin.

So is his body silky or muscular? You can’t have both at the same time!

Quietly I watched as his eternal blue eyes pierced me, silently eating my body with a hungry desire. I continued running my hands softly, caressingly over his hard body, causing him to moan softly, his muscles contracting and releasing under my touch. Then I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his neck, letting my tongue trace over his skin, tasting him. I wanted nothing more than to taste every bit of flesh before me, to swallow its taste and savor its delicious feeling.

What am I supposed to say about this? No seriously, what the actual fuck am I supposed to say about this?

Pressing my lips down harder, I bit softly against his wonderful skin, as I started to suckle on his neck, causing Link to groan out loud. After a little bit of teasing, I slowly kissed my way down his body, my tongue tracing behind my lips as I made my way down to the swollen organ between his legs.

Is it really that hard to say that you’re sucking his dick? The word “organ” is a very vague term, and the skin itself is an organ. So for all we know, the sue could be sucking any part of his body. Things like this makes me wonder where I went wrong to reach this point of the fan fiction.

       Slowly I took the head of his member into my mouth, teasing the tender tip with my tongue. Then slowly I moved to his shaft, caressing it with my tongue as I slowly licked up and down it. While I caressed his member with my lips and tongue, Link's soft moans soon turned into loud cries of pleasure and ecstasy. I felt his body quivering under my gentle hands as I ran one up over his body, his loud cries of ecstasy filling the room. Then Link let out a loud tiger like cry when I took his member fully into my mouth, engulfing it. Slowly I moved my lips up and down the shaft, dragging my tongue up the tender underside as I went. Little by little I begun to up the movement, causing Link to cry out in pure bliss as I caused waves of pure pleasure to go surging threw his body,

So it’s everything we just read, except now it’s Jenna jerking off Link! I really hate this shitty fucking story!

the fire radiating to his lower organs. 

Then I found a rhythm and he started breathing faster as I started to take him over the edge. His heart started racing, his cries filled the room. And finally when I took his nut sack and caressed it with my hand, it was his undoing.

Did you just fucking castrate Link?

Link let out a loud tiger like cry as he reached his peak…"Oh…Goddesses JENNA!"….he cried releasing his essence into my mouth.

You did! But at the same time, I guess that means we don’t have any more annoying sue children to worry about anymore!

       He fell back panting and I looked up and into his eyes as I swallowed, tasting the sweetness of him.

Hey idiot, Link’s on the floor!

Slowly I moved back to his lips and kissed him passionately, the taste of him still on my lips. Then I felt his hands embrace me as he gently rolled me over onto my stomach. Straddling my legs, I felt his member at the entrance of my pussy as he slowly slid his hard organ inside.

WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH! Time out here! Link just ejaculated into your mouth, which means that he’s soft! You need to have him cool down first before you can have sex with him again, that’s just how humans work!

As he started to penetrate deeper, I felt him move forward as his mouth begun pressing down against my neck again. I felt my body beginning to convulse as his steady gentle thrusts caused me to cry out like a female tiger, ecstasy filling each note.

So you don’t just have the powers of a cat, you are a full on cat woman! Remarkable! Just fucking remarkable!

His mouth pressed harder against my neck as he gently bit on it, his tiger like groans being muffled against my skin. Then he thrust himself deeper into me, causing my body to shudder in pure bliss, my nails digging into the floor as my groans soon turned into loud cries of ecstasy. He continued to bite down on my neck and back in unison with his steady thrusts sending waves of eternal bliss to go surging threw my body, threw my every vein, as my loud tiger like cries tore into the air.
       I moved under him, teased him, causing him to bite down even more as he started pushing himself harder into me, his groans being filled with an angry tone. I cried out again as I bucked up against Link, my body shuddering in immense bliss, until an even more violent spasm raged it, causing me to scream out in mind boggling pleasure.

Excuse me, but your tiger sex scares the hell out of me more than it confuses me!

Then I felt myself being taken over the edge, his tiger like groans passing his lips each time he bit down, dominating me like a male tiger mating.

What’s with this weird tiger fetish of yours? Exactly what part about tiger sex makes you turned on that you have to bludgeon us over the head about how your sue likes it?

I cried out to him, bucked up against his legs, forcing him in deeper as I felt myself starting to climax. He started to thrust harder into my body, as he bit down harder against the nape of my neck, his groans getting louder as he started to reach his peak.

And that’s another thing, stop with the biting fetish, it also gives me the creeps!

I pushed up against him as he thrust down hard again, our cries filled the air as I was finally thrust over the edge. With one last thrust, I bucked up against Link one last time as I climaxed, my cries filling the air as I gushed down his legs. Then Link was sent over the edge, he bucked his head back and cried out as he released his essence deep inside me.
       I collapsed to the floor panting, my body shuddering violently as I trying to move under Link, but he bit back down on my neck again as his hands held tightly down onto my arms. Still connected, the immense sexual feelings still surged threw our bodies as the after effects of our orgasms tingled in our lower organs causing us to thrust for more. Fighting with what strength he had left, Link thrust himself down into me again, forcing himself to reach a second peak. He started biting down on my neck and back again, grunting like a male tiger as he continued to thrust himself deeper inside my tired sweaty body, pushing to climax a second time.

Jesus Christ, the both of you just cummed enough to fill a goddamned Super Soaker Gun! Don’t dehydrate yourselves!

         Feeling the strength leaving my body, I screamed, hissed, as I forced my trembling body up against his, desperately trying to reach a second peak. He too fought for the strength, as he forced his exhausted body down onto mine, his mouth sinking down harder onto my neck causing a combination of pain and pleasure to go surging threw my every vein.

Don’t…just Don’t! Why don’t you do something else for a change? Hell, I don’t care if you go back to ruling over your anti-feminist regime, just do something that’s not this!

I screamed into the air, my nails digging into the floor as I fought to go on. Pushing my exhausted body up against his, I forced him deeper as I felt myself slowly starting to climax again. I cried out to Link, grunting like a female tiger to urge him on as I felt my body starting to be thrust over the edge yet again.

Did I say you could put these sex scenes in any order and it would make just as much sense? That’d be a fucking understatement, you could literally rearrange any part of these sex scenes in any order you choose and the story would make as much sense!

He returned my calls as tiger like sounds escaped passed his lips.

Fun Fact: On the Encyclopedia Dramatica page of this story, there’s a picture which shows just how sexy tiger sex really is! I’ve already made this joke, so I’m not going to show you the picture, look it up yourself!

Then I felt him beginning to climax again,

Men have this thing know as their refractory period, which causes their dicks to hurt like a bitch if they even attempt to orgasm again at this point! Even touching the dick is a hell on earth.

the fire in his lower organs sent raging shocks of pleasure threw his body, caused him cry out in immense bliss.

So this is what Jenna’s newfound power has been reduced to, lighting Link’s dick on fire!

We thrust against each other, our bodies trembling and convulsing while crying like tigers mating as we came to a full climax and exploded together one last time.

And there was a huge cum and blood stain on the walls!

The End!

        With one last gasp he collapsed on top of me, our bodies exhausted and dripping with sweat. He laid against my tired, shuddering body as he tried to catch his breath. We just laid there awhile shivering, trying to regain our strength, the after shocks of our orgasms still raged threw our hot sweaty bodies. Then I felt Link gently kiss and lick the light wounds he left on my back and neck as I heard hims in my mind telling me how he enjoyed the experience we shared. "That was one of the best we had my love." He said to me in my mind. "It felt good, so good that I cannot wait until we do that again." 

“Which probably won’t be until the next chapter!”

"I love you so much, my sweet rose. "Link added with passion. "I love you too Link, I always will." I returned lovingly.

“The sex was great, I love you!”

       Slowly we separated as I rolled over and laid next to him. I looked into his eyes as the glow of the fire reflected off of them, causing small flames to dance within them. "I want this to be a memorable night my love."

What makes this night different from all of the other times you’ve boinked each other will remain a mystery!

He returned as a look of passion and desire shone in those magnificent eyes. "I'm not done showing you just how much you mean to me." "As soon as I regain my strength, I'm going to give you more of my love." Link said softly as he traced a finger over my lips. Shocked with his sudden words, I leaned over and put my lips close to his. "You can do whatever you want to me my love, cause tonight, I'm yours for the taking." I whispered softly to him against his lips. Then Link grasped his hands around my face, pulling me close to him, locking my lips with his, blending a series of small passionate kisses, which soon turned into ones that were more deeper and forceful.

Excuse me, now would be the perfect time to vent out my anger! *Inhales*



       I felt his body beginning to relax as he slowly regained his strength, his breathing begun to even out and his heart slowed its beat. The after effects of our orgasms slowly started dissipating, leaving our bodies left with only the memory.

I don’t know if I have the capability to mock this sex scene anymore, but I’ll try…

Don’t forget the shame, and the mess! Seriously, how the fuck does their house not smell like shit yet?

Link gently pulled me against him and held me lovingly in his arms, his lips softly against my neck as the warmth of his body caused me to groan softly against his fine blonde hair. The feelings of our love making still pulsed threw my body, causing my lower organs to still cry for him in yearning.

While it is true that women can handle more orgasms than men, suffice to say…WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

Feeling the pulses making my body wither in longing to feel him once more, I ran my hand down his cheek, causing his jeweled eyes to stare deeply into mine. "Mmmm….Link, are you ready for me again?" I cooed as I ran my hand seductively down his chest and over his soft member, causing him to become aroused once again.

You know what, when I’m done with this chapter, I’m just going to sit in the corner and cry figuring out what went wrong in my life to read this story! This story has officially beaten me!

       His lips met my neck in response as he placed soft kisses on it. Then he softly kissed his way down to my breasts, his mouth resting on one of my nipples as he started to gently suckle on it. Soft moans of pleasure passed my lips as he nibbled gently on my nipple causing it to become erect. Then I clasped my hands around his muscular arms and broke his attack on my breasts as I slowly begun to lay him down once more. Straddling him again, I slowly slid down on his now swollen member, taking it slowly inside me.

THIS IS JUST FIRST PART OF THE SEX SCENE AGAIN! WHY DON’T YOU JUST END THIS CHAPTER AND LET US CONTINUE WITH OUR LIVES? ARE YOU THAT FUCKING LAZY TO COME UP NEW WAYS YOU COULD FUCK LINK? You know what, maybe it’s best not to answer that question, this sex scene has already got me in a really shitty mood as it is.

I drew a sharp breath as I rested against his pelvis, and begun to grind against him in a slow rocking motion, causing Link to moan loudly in ecstasy. Slowly at first then I upped the movements, causing violent spasms to rage threw our bodies, the loudest vocalizations yet escaping past our lips.

Fuck it, I'm not even going to compain that much about how illogical this sex scene is, because I'm just going to assume she wrote this story etirely with only one hand!

As I pushed down onto him, my body withered as shocks of wonderful pleasure were sent through my every vein, my body screaming in ecstasy as I felt the muscles inside me contracting and releasing against his organ. Then I bucked my head back and screamed into the air as yet another violent spasm raged threw my body, causing it to wither in immense bliss. "Oh.…..my Goddesses…..yes…..Link…YES!" I screamed again, as I felt my body explode in pleasure, my nails digging down into his arms.

If there is one thing in the world that I'd praise science for, it's if they somehow figure out how to make humans reproduce asexually! That way we don't have to deal with this ever again!

       Link too cried out in immense bliss as I begun moving faster, grinding against his pelvis, his body shuddering violently, his heart beating faster as his broad hands grasped firmly against my breasts, his fingers probing the nipples. I begun to feel Link's heart beating in unison with mine, his voice ringing loudly threw my mind, our souls connected. Our bodies withered together as I pumped faster, the sheer ecstasy raged threw my body,

I hope to god that ecstasy threw your body out the goddamned window!

radiating toward the nucleus between my legs.

And you know what, this would have been the perfect opportunity to blow these fuckers up! But of course we can't have all of the nice things in the world, can we!

Then I thrust him deeper into me as I felt myself starting to climax. My body screaming and shuddering violently, as though I was electrified in his arms,

Good! Just leave us all alone!

as I felt Link push up against me, feeling him starting to climax. I bucked my head back as my cries tore into the air….UNGH…Link…Oh Goddesses….LINK! I screamed as I reached my peak and gushed down Link's legs, the juices dripping down his side and onto the floor. JENNA!….Link screamed as he climaxed, releasing into me again. Gasping for air, I crashed down on top of him, my body still shuddering and dripping with sweat.
I just laid there, embraced in Link's sweaty arms, our bodies still feeling the after shocks of our orgasms.

Yes, and I imagine the fucking house smells like ass by now, oh of course not this story just wants to torture me!

        My fingertips traced over the broad curvatures of Link's face, his eyes sparkling with loving glances.  Then I nestled my cheek against his, my lips pressing softly against the lobe of his pointed ear.


Slowly I traced the outlines of his sexy ear with my lips and tongue, stopping every so often to gently nibble on the lobe. I listened to the soft moans that passed Link's lips as I sweetly nibbled on the tip of his pointed ear, weaving my tongue in and around the blue hoop earring he wore at the top.

It's a miracle that someone managed to make the caressing of a motherfucking ear, and made it a hundred times creepier than what we've previously read. Sometimes, I just wonder how this author does so well with hurting its audience mentally!

I felt Link's heart beginning to beat slowly, his thoughts running softly in my mind, the connection between us full.

Stop saying that! Stop Saying that! Somebody end my misery before I do it myself!

Then I felt my eyes slowly beginning to drift, and I nestled my head against the silky skin of Link's chest, his arms holding me in a protective embrace, as I softly drifted off to sleep. This was one night I as not going to forget. Link surly made this a memorable night, one that appeared in my dreams more then once.

No, fuck you! This is all of the things that sucked about the previous sex scenes multiplied by ten!

Even during the times when we were separated, too far for us to communicate telepathically, I often dreamed of that night, the night where we expressed our deepest love for each other, from the special bond we share. A bond that cannot be broken.

What can I say about this atrocity of smut that puts goatse to shame? Fortunately, this is the last time we’re going to see it again! Also fortunately or unfortunately, this point forward, this is also the last we’re going to see of anything remotely related to the Zelda canon! Now if you guys excuse me, I’m going to be rethinking my entire life for a while and think about the ways I can avoid reading an atrocity like this again!

My content can be found here.

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Post #25


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post Feb 13 2017, 04:12 PM
Honestly folks, there’s very little good to come out of a terror called “My Inner Life”, where a crazy fangirl shares her wet dreams with the world, and actually believes it to all be real. At this point, I’m pretty sure Link’s Queen pretty much ran out Zelda canon to rape, so then it struck her, she started to rape the Dragonlance canon to glorify her sue, the most logical next step!

Now, before I start this chapter, let me make it clear that this one won’t be easy to mock in one sitting, and there are no more sex scenes. What could possibly make this chapter so hard to mock? Here, we have nearly 15K words of pure nonsense and sue glorifying! The mocking of this chapter will most likely be split into parts!

A New Friend

        A few months later, Link and I were at Lake Hylia with our son and fairies on a family picnic, when the most amazing thing happened. I have always remembered stories being told me by my parents about a noble race of creatures called Griffins.

If you’ve been living under a rock, just like our sue here, she’s talking about these creatures:

For what particular reason would they be in a Zelda fan fiction even though Griffins are exclusive to the Zelda canon?


It was told to me that these wise and noble creatures live in the (12)Black Mountains just north of (13)Dragonmount, which was a day's ride from Hyrule.

Since there’s very little to do with Zelda here, that means we get footnotes by the ton! Yippie!

(12) The Black mountains are a large mountain chain made of black rock encrusted with precious minerals. This chain lies to the north of Hyrule where it is said the noble race called the Griffins live.

Isn’t this just Death Mountain in the Zelda Universe? So once again, what’s the point of making places up?

(13) Dragonmount is a dragon shaped rock formation near the Black Mountains. It is said the once the mighty dragons lived there at the base of the Black Mountains and their land stretched to where the base of Dragonmount now stands. Some say the dragons built the mighty rock to symbolize their land, some say it was unearthed after the dragons were forced to move to the poison land as a symbol of anger and revenge on the Griffins for taking their home.

You’re telling me that dragons built a goddamn rock? That’s crazy talk! Also, why are the Griffins so concerned about how much land they had. They live in a mountain chain for fucks sake?

I had never thought I would have ever met one of these noble creatures until now……..

“When I just ran out of shit to get my grubby little hands on, and decided to move onto a different canon altogether.”

       Link and I had just unrolled the blanket for us to sit on while Lilly, Navi and Aria were playing with our son, when Link's ears twitched from a sudden noise. "Jenna……did you hear that?" Link asked his ears twitching.

Yippie ki-yay, more ass-pulled superpowers!

"Hear what my love?" I returned, giving him a sideways look. "I hear nothing." His ears twitched again. "You don't hear that noise honey?" "It sounds like something is whimpering." Link said again, his eyes scanning over the land on the other side of the lake. "I have no idea what you're hearing love, I still hear nothing." "I forget that you're not part Elvin, you're full human, that's probably why you don't hear it." "Half human, half Elvin people have stronger hearing then full humans." Link said quizzically, his eyes still scanning for the source of the faint noise.

Elves exist in Hyrule now, because why the hell not? I’m sure if you suddenly gave Jenna the same ability, it’d make just as much sense.

       "You never cease to amaze me Link , but you're probably right." "Do you have any idea where it's coming from?" I returned, my eyes watching him. He shook his head in response. "Not a clue, there's so many other noises mixed in with it that I cannot tell." Raising my head up, I sniffed the air, searching for a distinctive scent. I scanned the air, searched for something out of the ordinary, when a bitter scent of blood and sulfur hit my nose causing it to wrinkle in distaste. "Link…..I think I picked up something." "I smell a mixture of sulfur and blood coming from somewhere across the lake." I said as a worried look crossed Link's lean face. "I think something is wounded over there."

What the H-E-double hockey sticks is this? If they’re trying to search for an object that Jenna can’t hear, and Link is too damned stupid to track down where the sound is coming from, how the fuck is Jenna able to smell sulfur and blood from that same distance?

      "Sulfur and blood?" "The only place I know of where sulfur is, is in the Black Mountains to the north of Dragonmount." "But what could be causing sulfur to mix with blood?" "And how would sulfur get this far south?"

Well, the only known inhabitants of the Black Mountains are the Griffins, who probably pick up the smell. So chances are the smell might be coming from a dead or wounded Griffin. This shouldn’t be so hard to figure out, but…

Link's gaze returned to the other side of the lake. "I think we should send the fairies to go check it out." "I agree, they have better sight and smell then we do." I think they will have better luck in finding out where the sounds and smell is coming from."

You already have your super smell ability, just follow the fucking scent rather than constantly relying on your fairies who we don’t give a shit about!

I’ll be skipping this next scene since all it is is the fairies recapping everything we read, as if this were an episode of Dora the Explorer!
       Link and I watched as they reached the other side and their glowing auras disappeared inside the thick foliage lining the bank. We sat and anxiously waited for their return. Minutes passed into what seemed like an eternity as they still did not return. Link and I started to grow worried, the minutes turning into long amounts of time.

Long, unspecific, amounts of time to be exact.

Then just as we agreed to go after them, I saw a small light emerge from the bank of trees just a short way from where they entered. I grabbed the sleeve of Link's green tunic and showed him the small light hovering over the bank. We started to worry as we only saw one light. Getting more worried with each passing minute, Link was getting ready to jump into the lake and swim across when two more small lights emerged from the trees and joined the one waiting by the bank.

OK suethor, it’s time for you to take some notes on how to write drama correctly with some fitting music!

When you try to create a potential nonexistent problem, don’t have that problem resolved exactly 3 seconds after it has been announced! If you keep doing this, you’re going to disrupt the flow of the story! Take this scene for example, where you treat the merging of the fairy’s light as a problem. How could you first come to the conclusion that one of the fairies were dead? You can’t, because they just set off on the endeavor! And on the other hand, you’re trying to figure out what’s making a sulphury smell. Therefore, you shouldn’t need to create a problem around this.

        Breathing a sigh of relief, we watched as the three small fairies made their way back across and joined us on the other side. With a look of distress, all three fairies turned a shade of bright yellow. "Link you and Jenna must hurry!" Navi cried, as she spun in a circle. "You will not believe this, but there's a wounded Griffin over there hiding among the trees."

And you had to have your fairies figure that out?

Link and I exchanged shocked glances. "A Griffin!?" We said in unison. "What in the hell would a Griffin be doing this far south?" I asked puzzled.

I’m sitting here wondering why the sue even thought it would be a good idea make a Zelda and Dragonlance pseudo-crossover to begin with.

"I thought that they only lived in the Black Mountains." "I never heard of one venturing too far away from the Black Mountains unless they had a passenger with a request to go some where." "And it's not even that, the Griffins don't just trust anyone." Link added, his puzzled look making his blue eyes look dull.

And you never bothered to explain that in the three seconds you’ve introduced them. Why don’t they trust anyone? And if they supposedly don’t trust anyone, how can they take passengers to places they normally don’t travel to?

       "Whatever may be its reason, we must hurry, the creature is wounded badly, and it needs our immediate attention." Aria added with urgency in her voice. "

“Which is why we’re sitting around talking about basic facts about these creatures!”

Well then we must make haste." "Aria, please stay here with Link Jr."

You know, a person with at least one brain cell to speak of would think it would be a much better idea to have one of you two watch the kid, and then have one of you investigate.

"Lilly, Navi, please show us the way." I said as I made my way down to the bank and into the water.

I listened as Link joined me and we both swam with great hast to the other side. Rising out of the water and onto the bank, I stood up and rung out my saturated dress as Link made his way up and beside me. Then Lilly and Navi joined us, their aura's flickering with worry. "This way follow us!" Navi yelled as her and Lilly disappeared into the thickness of the trees. Following, we entered the thicket and made our way into a small clearing, where we saw a sight we never thought we'd see. There lying on the ground was a Hugh white Griffin with black tips on its wings and light yellow bird like claws on its front legs. Beautiful intricate jewelry hung from its tufted ears and from its neck indicating it must be of high rank.

Jenna the Genius knows very well about how social classes work!

My mouth just hung open as I watched its crystal blue eye staring us over.
        Slowly it lifted its head and its sharp beak opened. "Who are you?" The Griffin asked in a raspy voice.

“I am your batfather!”

I exchanged glances with Link before he moved forward. "I just might ask you the same, but the names Link and this is my wife Jenna." "And those two fairies over there are Lilly and Navi."

“Great, but I’m fucking bleeding to death here!”

Link said with a hint of caution. We watched as the Griffin's crystal blue eye continued to stare at us, its gaze full of caution and questioning. "The names Dalamar."

If we’re considering the fact that you’re now ripping off Dragonlance, why are you naming a Griffin, who belongs to a noble race, after Dalamar the Dark? Isn’t he supposed to be one of the bad guys?

The creature returned, its beak pointed directly at us. I watched as the Griffin struggled to get onto its feet, but without any success and crashed back to the ground. "You shouldn't try to move, you're still too wounded." I advised him. "Were here to help." I walked over to him and looked at the Hugh gashes on his legs and wings. Reaching into the pouch I had attached to my waist, I pulled out a healing ointment and started applying it to his wounds.

Jen, there does exist a healing potion in the Legend of Zelda Universe, you don’t need to make up a vague new one!

       "Now this is going to sting a little." I said as I applied the ointment. "Why are you helping me?" Dalamar questioned, his eyes watching me. Without an answer to his question, I continued to apply the ointment to his wounds, then dressed them. After I applied the final dressing, I looked into his cautious eyes. "There, all done." "Do you think you can walk?" I asked. "What are we going to do with him?" "They don't just trust anyone." Link inquired, his eyes filled with worry.

But he will probably trust the Sue faster than I can say “shit” because everybody just loves the lusty air-headed tiger sex fanatic we call Jenna!

"We just cannot just leave him here."

“Just that’s just a stupid thing to just do!”

"I think that it's wise if we try to help him get back to the Black Mountains." I said as I walked over to Link and looked into his eyes. "I'm not the type of person to just leave something that's wounded behind." "I've always been a compassionate person."

Says the same person that finds in necessary to ship themselves with Link, who has tons of bitches, and then ruin everyone’s lives!

Link's eyes twinkled as he stared down into mine, his expression softening. "That's just one of the reasons why I married you my love."

You barely knew the bitch when you married her! How did you know she was a compassionate saint as the sue likes to put it?

"I agree with you, we should help him." "But first I think that we will have to gain his trust, or he might not allow us to help him." Link returned. Nodding in agreement, I walked back over to Dalamar.

Knock it off with the bullshit, we all know that Dalamar is going to trust the sue any second now!

       "Again, do you think you can get up?" I questioned the Griffin. "His crystal eyes stared into mine for a moment, then he spoke. "I just may be able to, but as I asked before, why are you helping me?" Dalamar questioned me again. My expression softened and a small compassionate smile crossed my face. "Because we are friends, and I cannot just leave you here in the state that your in."

So now Jenna can’t just help people unless their her friend? Now you’re trying way too hard to be nice, resulting in you being an asshole!

Dalamar just stared at me with a cautious and puzzled look, his tufted ears twitching with concern. "Perhaps you may be here to help me, but as anyone should know that the trust of a Griffin is not so easily gained." Dalamar returned as he slowly rose to his feet. Smiling I looked directly into his eyes once more. "Don't worry my friend, that should not be such a hard task for us to do."

“I’m so sweet and compassionate, that I smell roses whenever I pass gas!”

Turning my back I walked back beside Link and we gestured for Lilly and Navi to help guide Dalamar out of the thicket and back to Lake Hylia.

       We slowly made our way across the water and joined Aria with our son on the other side. Immediately Aria jumped up and flew over to me. "Oh by the Goddesses, I see that you managed to get the creature here." Lilly inquired as she floated in a circle in front to me. Nodding I looked into her small eyes. "Yep, but we must get him back to the Castle." "How did little Link do while we were away?"

Wait, what? I thought we were talking about the griffin, not about the demonstrable fact that you’re a shitty parent!

I watched as Aria's aura grew brighter. "Just fine, he's over by the horses playing in the flowers." Aria returned as she flew over to him. Looking back over to Link, my smile faded. "We must hurry to the Castle love." "We must inform Princess Zelda of Dalamar."

Now we’re back to the Griffin? Ok, then suethor, if you prefer to play leapfrog with the plot points as you go, be warned that your story will probably go nowhere. It’s your choice!

       Walking over to our horses, I called for our fairies to help guide Dalamar, while I secured Link Jr. into the saddle. Then Link and I mounted our horses and headed towards the Castle.
       We had to take it easy since Dalamar could not move very fast due to his injuries, but after some time and a lot of determination we made it to the Castle Gates. We made our way across the wooden bridge and into the bustling market. As we crossed the Market, I heard the shocked gasps and uttered whispers of the Hylian people as the caught sight of the magnificent Griffin that followed behind us. "Look it's a Griffin. " "By the goddesses a Griffin has showed up in Hyrule." "What is one doing this far south?" Were just some of the uttered words said by the shocked people of Hyrule.

So, they’re just bringing in a rarely seen creature without any announcement! It would make so much sense to ensure nobody freak out beforehand!

We made our way threw the Market and down the path that led to Hyrule Castle. When we stopped at the first gate, Palin another guard I was also friends with stood still like petrified rock as the pure shock of the Griffin sent him nearly ghost white.

Hello there not-Perinio, how’s that one time appearance treating you?

"Oh by the Goddesses…..it's a Griffin!" He cried, his eyes wide as saucers. "Where in (14)Gaia did he come from?" "I thought the Griffins only lived in the Black Mountains?"

The Black Mountains, perhaps?

Anywho, here’s another footnote:

(14) Gaia is the planet Hyrule rests on.

You didn’t dream this up! You couldn’t have dreamt this up! If you did, dream or no dream, how in Satan’s Underpants would you come to the conclusion that Hyrule is on a planet that you clearly made up at the last second?

"We must see the Princess, and fast." Link added his words ushering urgency. "At…at once my Lord." Palin stammered as he opened the gate and allowed us to pass.
      By the time we reached the second gate, word had already spread about Dalamar's presence in Hyrule. There at the gates to Hyrule Castle was Princess Zelda and Impa awaiting our arrival.

What a coinkidink!

Her deep blue eyes turned a shade of gray when she set them upon the massive white Griffin. "By the Goddesses, in all my days I never thought I'd ever see one of the magnificent noble Griffins." "You honor us with your presence, oh noble Griffin." Zelda said as she bowed to Dalamar. He looked at her, his gaze softening upon the look of Zelda's rosy face. He lowered his head, his crystal blue eyes staring down into hers.


"Princess Zelda I presume?" Dalamar said, his nostrils flaring. With a look of shock, Zelda gasped at Dalamar's knowledge of her name. "Yes Princess I know all about you." "The story of Gannondorf taking over Hyrule has spread to many lands, including to the Black Mountains." "Then my hunch was right, the one in the green who accompanied us here, is Link the "Hero of Time." I watched as Link gasped his eyes growing big.  "I know all about your great feats Link "Hero of Time."

Here’s another question: if these things are supposedly isolationists, where the hell do they learn about all of this?

      We all just stood there unable to move. The sudden knowledge that Dalamar possessed had us all frozen in time. I could not believe of all the knowledge the snowy white Griffin possessed.

But a creature doesn’t become an all knowing being, because! They have to get that knowledge from somewhere! Even a god-like entity knows just about everything about the world they’ve created because THEY created it, and are supposed to have FULL control over the world that they’ve created!

But it was often said that those noble creatures never left anything unseen. “Please excuse my sudden burst of words without a proper introduction." "My name is Dalamar, High Lord of the Griffin Council."

Of course you are! We can never have characters that aren’t anything but of high authority!

The Griffin returned, bowing his head down in front of Zelda. Coming out of her state of shock, her gaze returned to the High Lord's face. "Well then." "Welcome, Dalamar, Lord of the Griffin Council." Zelda said manor fully. "Well my Lord shall we reside to the Palace Garden?" Zelda asked. With a smile Dalamar bowed his head in response.

      After we resided to the Garden, Zelda ordered the servants to bring refreshments and  change Dalamar's dressings. Then the one question that was on everyone's mind was finally spoken. "So tell me my Lord, how did you come to Hyrule?"

Griffins can fly you morons!

"If I understand correctly, Griffins usually don't venture to far away from the Black Mountains." Zelda questioned as she took a sip of her herbal tea.

Are you deaf? They asked how he came to Hyrule, which isn’t a very hard question to answer I might add.

"You have understood correctly, Princess, but I came to Hyrule under unfortunate circumstances." Dalamar returned as he picked up his cup in his claws and raised it to his beaked mouth.

“Somebody kill me!” The abomination of a sentence above said.

Taking a sip, he sat the cup back down and his crystal eyes faltered. "You see m' lady I came her not by choice, we Griffins are hardened on how far from the Black Mountains we can venture."

Gee, for such an all-knowing and wise race of Griffins, they sure have a poor sense of relative position!

"Even as peaceful a race we Griffins are, we still have many enemies." "And once such enemy of the Griffins are the (15)Draconians." Dalamar said nonchalantly, his crystal blue eyes staring down into his cup.

For the those of you who aren’t familiar with the Dragonlance canon, like me, from what I can find on Wikia, the Draconians are a race of bipedal, human-sized dragon creatures that was primarily created to fill the ranks of the dragon armies of a Dark Queen. The generals of these armies generally used these creatures as shock troops. These creatures are not natural, as they were made from the eggs of metallic dragons using dark magic.

Now, since the suethor decided to name a Griffin after a character with no connection to Griffins, what in this story will be given the title of “Draconian”

(15) Draconians are a band of Dark Knights that fly on the backs of dragons.

Well, we’re off to a good start!

These Knights led under Lord Ariakas have tamed the once peaceful dragons and turned them evil, forcing them to do his bidding.

Taming of peaceful dragons to turn them evil?

Now this once peaceful race has been poisoned and turned dark, forced to lead a life as killers. Most dragons cannot be trusted and the only dragons that remain free are the Bronze and Silver colored dragons. All Blue, Red and Black dragons are now evil; polluted by Ariakas and have become carriers for Dark Knights.

Alright now, other than the fact that that was completely retarded, I ask you once again! Why do you have the need to add this into a Zelda story? This freaking footnote feels like someone tried to summarize the Eragon movie!

"We have been at war with the Draconians for centuries." "These evil people have captured and tamed the wild dragons from the poison lands, training these gigantic lizards into doing their bidding." "These dragons were once an isolated, quite species, until they came, the dark nights under the follow of the (16)Dark Lord Ariakas of the Shadow Realm." "They rampaged and conquered the poison lands, capturing the dragons and training them under the rule of Darkness." "Now these evil knights under Ariakas evil rule, are hell bent on total annihilation of all who oppose them."

Yet again, you don’t need to fucking explain what happened to the dragons in the footnotes when you’ve already stated it in the story itself! And also, if there was this gigantic war that’s been occurring for centuries, how come nobody’s heard of it? Even if Hyrule hasn’t been involved in this half-assed war, I’m 100% certain that at least SOMEONE has heard about it! And as for Lord Ariakas…

(16) Lord Ariakas of the Shadow Realm is an evil being that was once a wizard that served under the King of Kalence during the time of the Great War. After he was discovered that he was planning to poison the King in order to gain control over the Kingdom, he was forsaken to the evil Shadow Realm. It was during his time there that Ariakas harnessed the power of the Shadow Realm, practicing in the ways of black magic. Once he harnessed the powers of the Shadow Realm, he vowed revenge on those who put him away as well as all who aided Kalence during the war. With promises of eternal life and untold riches, Ariakas managed to rally together a band of followers to follow him in the ways of the Shadow Realm, turning them into Dark Knights. Now with his power over the Dragons, and with new people walking in the ways of the shadow, Ariakas is now a feared and dangerous man with a hell bent desire on expanding his reach over the now peaceful lands, thrusting for total domination over them.

Jesus, you know what would really help your story Suethor? If your footnotes had footnotes. You know why? Because at least I’d be able to follow this story more easily. What the hell is the Shadow Realm? All you’re saying is “Mr. Evilman is so evil that he likes evil, and therefore, he wants to do evil things. So he went to Evilland to learn evil powers of evil and form evil troops of evil to do the evil act of murdering the king which is evil!”

       Dalamar looked solemnly around the garden, haunting memories filling into his mind. His wings folded in distress as he continued. "Their first place of conquest was our home on the Black Mountains." "When we opposed them, that thrust our people into long centuries of war against the Lord of the Shadow Realm." "Now we, once a peaceful people, are fighting everyday of our lives in a desperate attempt to keep from falling under Lord Ariakas dark control."

You’re still fighting in this war? What’s taking you guys so long?

Dalamar's gaze shifted skyward, his claws gripping into the ground beneath him. "One day word came in from our air patrol that a group of Draconians on dragonback were camping near Dragonmount." "After the council made a decision that I would be the one to check out the inquiry,

So in your eyes, an inquiry can be both a statement and an disturbance?

You can’t vocabulary can you?

I made hast and left on the moment of the wing."

That sounds like the name of the next Zelda Title, now with more fan service!

"Upon my arrival at Dragonmount, I was ambushed by a Draconian on a red dragon." "After a long fight in the air, I was struck and wounded by the dragon's powerful claws and acid breath."

Sheesh, what did that dragon eat?

"In my attempt to escape, I was perused by the dragon until I lost them in Death Canyon just west of here." "Then I continued to fly south until I was unable to go any further and I crashed down in a thicket of trees by the lake you must call Lake Hylia." "I must have been there for two or three days before your hero Link and his wife found me." Dalamar's head slouched, his beak touching the feathers on his neck.

       "I fear that Lord Ariakas is planning to invade the Black Mountains and seize control over my people."

Just in case it wasn’t made apparent we’re supposed to fear this guy who’s been attacking your people for centuries!

" That is why I must return to the Black Mountains as soon as I'm able to fly." Dalamar said, his tufted ears flattening against his head. Zelda's deep blue eyes stared into Dalamar's faltered eyes. "Don't worry m' Lord, I will send Link along with you on you're journey back to the Black Mountains." "I think you should stay here the night." "It wouldn't be wise to travel until sunrise." "But one thing is worrying me now, is this Ariakas, planning to invade Hyrule?" Zelda questioned the Griffin with fear in her voice.

I don’t know what enrages me more, the fact that she’s supposed to rule over the land, and yet she has never heard of this guy, or the fact that this King is wasting his time on Hyrule, which doesn’t seem to have any real significance to his plan!

"Honestly m' lady, I couldn't tell you." "For as much as I can tell you, it seems that the Dark Knights have remained solely to the north, but with as much twisted desire Ariakas has I wouldn't be too surprised if he does plan on spreading his control past the (17)Black Desert."

Just wanted to cement the fact that he’s an evil son of a bitch that just wants land for no other reason than he’s evil!

And oh lookee there, another footnote:

(17) The Black Desert is a dangerous and treacherous desert that borders Hyrule's western border. This desert is well known for its thick black sand and dangerously immense heat, hence the name Black Desert. Only one so brave with a strong will manages to cross the immense Black Desert and lives to tell about it. Most who attempt to cross it, either die from heat exhaustion, or get lost in it.

I’ve looked everywhere on this map, and I’m apparently too stupid to realize those clouds under Gerudo valley hid a black colored desert.

       Zelda's fearful look was cast upon me, her blue eyes turning a dull gray. At that moment I knew that if this Dark Lord from the Shadow Realm was indeed planning a dark invasion of Hyrule, I was going to be the sole protector since of my role as part of the ancient Silverlite race.

Alright Mrs. “I’m not really like that”, answer me this. Every race in Hyrule is technically ancient, some of which have actually existed long before this race of OCs even existed. What makes the Silverites any more special?

I was an elemental user, one that welds the great power of the forces of nature, and in that I was the strongest protector Hyrule had.

But what about Link, the proclaimed “Hero of Time”, which you unintentionally use quotations marks on to emphasize how incompetent he’s become since he’s met you? For fucks sake the most you’ve ever done when it comes to combat was scare off a bunch of bandits. Not to mention you still don’t fully understand how your powers are supposed to work.

I could tell that within Zelda's eyes, she was counting on me if such an invasion should happen.

brentalfloss has already made Link’s Link to the Past incarnation out to be a vain asshole. I can already imagine Jenna in that guy’s shoes after this fight is over!

But one thing worried me, if such an invasion happened in the near future, would I really be of any use since I was still expecting? At that point I was six months pregnant and not too sure what the effects of welding the great power over the elements would have on Link's unborn child.

So you fucking knew you were six months pregnant, and you still agree to fight this Dark Overlord? *Actually rolling on the ground laughing my ass off* *reattaches ass* This is comic gold right here, a pregnant woman with self-esteem issues is actually going to fight an evil overlord and save Hyrule! Nothing can fucking top that!

       Lots of questions danced threw my mind that night as Link and Dalamar prepared for their departure upon sunrise. As Link prepared his saddlebags I went over to him and gave him a worried look. "I'm coming with you no matter what decision you make!" I spat, my face twisting into a scowl. "I remember when you tried to deny me accompanying you to the Water Temple." "If I recall, you just might have ended up a permanent prisoner of Dark Link had I not gone with you."

Holding a grudge of that are we? Link would have undoubtably made it out of the Water Temple alive without you! The only reason you were able to save the day was because you made Link into a useless piece of shit!

Link's eyes turned a sudden shade of red as he spoke in an agitated tone. "Listen Jenna you don't understand, you're carrying our unborn child, and I think that this time it will be too dangerous for you to come as pregnant as you are."

Actually Link, it’d probably be better if you took her. One or Two less sues makes a pretty big difference in the world!

"When you accompanied me to the Water Temple, you sure as hell wasn't expecting." Link went pale-the pain of the memory when he found me near dead on the ground in the Temple wrenched his heart. I was able to feel his mind wrenching of all kinds of fears of him loosing me or his unborn child, but even in light of his overgrowing fears I was not about to let that stop me from accompanying him along on this journey.

Despite the fact that you’ve been droning on having beautiful children for the past 16 chapters!

      "Link my undying love, I understand your fears and concerns, but I think I'm well enough to be able to protect myself." "Or did you soon forget that I am a descent of the great Silverlite race?" “Remember I am an elemental user." I returned nonchalantly.

What does that have to do with anything? I don’t care if you are the Chosen One, if you’re six months pregnant, and you don’t have any REAL reason to fight, not unlike Jenna here just wanting to fight to masturbate about how cool she is, you shouldn’t be fighting Powerful Evil Overlords!

Link returned a cold icy stare, the blue draining from his eyes and being replace by a dull stormy gray. "Jenna listen this time I'm making the decision for you." "You are six months pregnant and because of that I cannot allow you to go." "So just put the damn notion of going out of your mind." Link spat, his cold hands gripping my shoulders.

Silly Link, you can’t reason with the sue! They are as stubborn as well, a sue!

With an angry growl, I pushed Link's hands off of me as my eyes filled up with anger. "Damnit…..by the Goddesses Link I coming with you!" "I WILL NOT sit back and let you go on this journey without my aid." "I don't care if you're worried about me, Damnit Link I'm worried about you!"

I’m sorry, but when was Alpha Bitch mode called for? All I’m saying is, do not pretend that Link can’t fight the freaking forces of evil alone, let alone without your aid when you’re completely useless!

I retorted stubbornly, my hands clenching into fists. Then my eyes lowered as my gaze slowly softened. "Link listen I care for you, you're my whole world, and I know that I mean the same to you but, I feel that as a mated pair, there are just some things that one of us cannot do alone."

Sex being one of them.

"Isn't our love based on faith and trust?" "Aren't we connected together in every aspect of our being?" I walked over to Link and into his warm arms, my eyes locking with his. "Link my love, you're just going to have to trust me." "That is one part of what our love is all about."

Actually no, if you’ve remembered a god damned thing from your cringe-worthy bonding ceremony, you’d see that your relationship is based more on being “connected” together in every possible way, and yet not trusting one another and avoiding the opposite sex as much as possible, hence there is no trust!

       Link's hard gaze suddenly softened, his gentle arms holding me close. "Jenna my life, I do trust you and I have always had faith in your abilities, I'm just concerned for the well-being of you and our unborn child." "I just cannot stand the thought of loosing either of you."

Yes, Link certainly does have faith in Jenna’s miraculous ability to shit out new abilities whenever the plot needs her to!

"I still think it would be wise if you stay here." I quickly placed a finger gently on his lips. "I'm still going." I returned softly. "Well I guess once your mind is made up"-Link chuckled softly-"I'm not going to be able to change your decision." I nodded in return. "Sigh," "Women for ya, once they're minds are made up, there is no changing it." Link said sarcastically as he softly pressed his warm lips against mine.

And because this chapter is too fucking long, and could easily be split into separate chapters, it’s probably best to stop here. The mere fact we’re almost done with this story, and yet so far from the end just nauseates me!

My content can be found here.

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Post #26


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post Feb 25 2017, 02:51 PM
Here’s part two to this long ass chapter!

The night passed quickly, and the suns first rays were rising over the horizon as I was saddling my horse and making my final preparations for my departure with Link and Dalamar. After we all made the final preparations, Link and I mounted our horses and readied to depart. Dalamar emerged from the Castle and joined us at the front gate. I checked one last time to make sure my bow, quiver and Phoenix Circles were secure before turning my attention to the Griffin. Dalamar looked at us sternly, his wings flexing against the gentle blowing wind. "Are you ready my friends?" Dalamar questioned. "As ready as ever." Link returned as he eagerly waited to leave. I just nodded. "Well then, let us get moving." "We should try to reach the Black Mountains before sundown."
        Turning my horse around I started to follow behind Link when Zelda called to us. "Please be careful." "May the Goddesses protect you on you're journey and provide you're safe return home." We looked back at Zelda one last time before moving out. "Thank you m' lady." "I appreciate all that you've done for me." Dalamar said, his gaze soft upon hers. "Don't worry about Link and I." "We'll be fine, I'm sure we will return home safely, just please take good care of our son." I added as a smile of reassurance crossed my face.

I’m so used to seeing this that I’m not even enraged anymore, just moderately pissed off!

"Now my friends we must move on." "Time is of the essence." Dalamar retorted. Nodding in agreement, I resumed following behind Link, leaving the sanctuary of Hyrule behind.
       The sun was high up and the heat treacherous as we made our way across the vast Black Desert. We had been traveling for about four hours and I was already tired from sitting in my saddle. Thick sweat beaded my face as my parched mouth cried for water. I reached into my saddlebags and pulled out my waterskin.  Raising it to my dried lips, I took a long gulp before replacing the cap and returning it to my saddlebags. The heat was so unbearable that it was causing shapes of false objects to form in the desert sand. And even the heat wave that the desert was producing caused the images of Link and    Dalamar to look distant and warped. Though we pressed on, pushing our very horses to the limit, their mouths gaped open; their tongues dry from the hot desert air. The minutes that we spent in that damn desert of death seemed like hours when finally a miracle by the goddesses loomed just ahead. After what seemed like and endless push threw that treacherous desert, we finally came to the end and emerged near a vast rushing river.

That’s it? What a cop out! There was so much potential for a good scene in this hot as shit desert, which would be made even more hot considering the fact that the sand is black, a color that absorbs a shit ton of heat! But nope, the freaking scene ended as soon as it began, and the most I got out of this scene was just that the desert was hot, you were thirsty, and you started to have mirages!

       (18)"This is the Snake River." Dalamar said as his crystal eyes scanned the bank on the other side. "The river is too fast and deep to cross on foot." "We'll have to build a raft large enough to ferry the horses on." Scanning the area surrounding the river, I noticed a large thicket of trees just up river.

And what new info would this sue like to give us about the Snake River?

(18) The Snake River is a large winding river found near the Black Desert's border. This massive river is deadly to cross because of the malevolent swelling waters and dangerous rapids. Only few ever succeed to cross it and live to tell about it.

Oh yes, did the fact that this river flows ridiculously fast, and the fact that it’s not even shallow enough to stand in give away the fact that it’s probably not a good idea to BUILD A MOTHERFUCKING RAFT IN IT?

"There's a large amount of foliage just a short way up river, we can use those trees to build a raft."

Mmm-hm, I can totally see that, a bunch of sticks, leaves and vines to protect yourselves from the rapids of this incredibly dangerous river!

Walking up beside me, Dalamar scanned the way ahead. "I see no signs of any danger up that way, so lets get a move on."
       We pressed on up river an d into the thick foliage. There we proceeded to make a makeshift raft, using vines found among the trees to hold it together. After we pushed it down to the bank, we loaded on the horses then Link and I went on followed by Dalamar. Taking a long pole made of wood, Link steered us along against the river's swift current, taking heed to watch for rocks lying wait under the river's whitecaps. Slowly but surely we made our way across and onto the other side. From there we mounted and headed for Dragonmount.

Jesus on a pogo stick, that’s so amazing! Jenna just discovered the answer to ultimate oversea travel! The manufacturers of the Titanic should have considered making their ship out of sticks and leaves, then they wouldn’t have lost the lives of thousands overseas. All Hail Jenna the Genius!

      The sky was setting off tones of deep pink, and lavender, the sun starting to set as we neared Dragonmount.

Quite a lot of twists and turns you took there, seeing how you’ve already established that Dragonmount was near the Black Mountains, which is supposed to be North of all of Hyrule.

I watched in awe as the dragon shaped mountain appeared in the distance. Just then Dalamar turned and looked back at us. "We must make hast, the sun has already started to set." "This is a bad area to be in after nightfall." "We must press on at a faster pace." Dalamar said with worry. "But Dalamar the horses……." I started to say. "The horses what?" Dalamar cut in. "They need rest, look at them they're exhausted." "I'll have to agree with my wife Dalamar, the horses haven't had any rest since we left Hyrule." Link added.
       "The only problem is, Lord Ariakas's Knights patrol this area at night." "If we don't press on past Dragonmount, we might be found by the (19)Dark Knights, and trust me, you don't want to get captured by them." "They have been known to be ruthless and even as far as to kill in blood for glory." Dalamar said shakily, his eye glaring over at us.

Another footnote! It’s not like things like this can be explained in the story itself and not in the fucking footnotes! Oh wait, you just fucking did!

(19) Dark Knights are people who walk in the way of the shadow under the guidance and rule of Lord Ariakas. These dangerous followers of Ariakas, practice in the ways of dark magic and walk down the evil path of the shadow, driven by the demons of the Shadow Realm. As a symbol of their faith, Dark Knights wear armor decorated with skulls and the symbol of the Black Lilly. Most people who chose to walk the path of darkness, usually spend their life serving the shadow, though only a few have ever managed to changes sides due to the fact that once you swear allegiance to Ariakas in a blood oath, you give your soul over to him and to the Shadow Realm, therefore sealing your fate to them.

“I’ve established that Mr. Evilman is the Lord of Evil, I thought I’d make it apparently clear that his evil henchmen are also evil monsters that are evil with their EVIL armor and their EVIL leader who is evil!”

"I've fought worse then that." "How can these Dark Knights amount up to what Gannondorf was?" Link said stoutly as he shifted in his saddle.

“Just don’t mention Dark Link again, he’s so evil, he makes Mr. Evilman look benevolent!!!”

"Listen hero, you don't understand these Dark Knights like I do." "My people have been fighting them for centuries, and trust me, they're more ruthless then you think they are."
       Just then I spotted something up ahead. "By the Goddesses what the hell is that up there?" I said as I pointed my finger skyward. Dalamar raised his head up then cried out.  "Draconians, we must get the hell out of here before we're spotted!"

If these Griffins are so noble, don’t you think they’d at least have some form of etiquette in their language?

“Tally Ho, we’ve got to pack up our shit and get the fuck out of here!”

Dalamar screeched, taking off full throttle.

“Quick, we got to make a left by that cornfield!”

Dragonmount slowly loomed over us as we came closer, eerie tendrils of black smoke swelled around it, making it look like an evil creature waiting to attack. "Hurry…hurry, we must reach the safety of Dragonmount!" Dalamar cried again, his voice warped over the howling wind.

“Hurry, we have to drive into that bottomless pit of doom where we’ll be safe! They’ll never find us down there.”

We rode hard and fast, the hooves of our galloping horses kicked up dust and dirt behind them, as the shadows of the overhead creatures threatened to close in on us. The eerie screeching of the massive dragons rang threw my ears as they came closer, the beating of their massive leathery wings stirred up dust clouds around us.
       I looked up and saw that they were closing in on us, the dragon's Hugh black talons were outstretched, its angry yellow eyes piercing deep into mine. "Dalamar we've been spotted, they're closing in on us!" I cried over the howling wind, my eyes wide with fear.

“I can’t use my powers to burn these guys down now, the plot said I got to use them at the right time!”

"Hurry….we're almost there-Dalamar screeched-we must reach Dragonmount before they do!" I booted my horse again, forcing her to go as fast as possible, her eyes wide with fear as the death screeches of the dragons came closer. Dragonmount was just ahead, just a few feet further……we came upon it, the black swells of smoke rose around us as we moved to the base of the gigantic rock formation. Pulling my horse to a skidding stop, I dismounted and moved along side Link and Dalamar while guiding my horse by the reins.

No, I’m still not buying it! Jenna can control the elements, Link is the goddamn hero of time, and Dalamar has fought with the Draconians for centuries! Therefore, they should all come up with a better strategy than just pussing out and running away!

       "There's a cave just big enough just on the other side." "We must hurry and take sanctuary inside it, before the Draconians come for us." Dalamar urged, his crystal blue eyes watching the black skies above. We slowly make our way around the small mountain under the cover of the thick smoke that wrapped around it, it's eeriness causing shivers to run down my spine. We listened as the dead silence was broken by the cries of dragons as they landed just meters from where we were hiding, causing the horses to buck and neigh, they're eyes wide with fear. "Keep those horses quiet, the dragons will hear them!" Dalamar growled. Link and I quieted our horses with a few pats to the neck and words of reassurance.

Imagine it were that easy! Something like this would make the headlines:

The dragons evil yellow eyes pierced the darkness as they're nostrils flared in searching for us.

Which probably shouldn’t take that long in real life, assuming dragons actually exist, since dragons can actually smell their prey, and this dragon is only meters away from them.

We just remained quiet, moving ever so slightly as we made our way to the other side. Just then Dalamar caught sight of what type of dragons were hunting us. "Oh by the Goddesses, those are blue dragons, the most dangerous of all dragons." "They're eyes can see the slightest movements, as they can smell almost anything."

So what do they use their nostrils for? Are those supposed to be the headlights?

"We must remain cautious, they're searching for us and if we move too fast they'll spot us for sure." Dalamar whispered as he forced his back up against the smooth surface of Dragonmount.

“Better be sure we’re very slow, we wouldn’t want them to smell us!”

As we moved, I watched as the two dragons piercing yellow eyes scanned the base of the mountain for us, they're jaws gapped open, exposing they're long fangs against the blackness.

Hmm, this must be one of those fogs that one-dimensional characters with a million super powers can easily see through, but nothing else can.

      Just looking at those yellow eyes full of blood lust made my body quiver in fear, as they're long fangs looked as if they could tear a man in half. Then I noticed something move against the back of one of the dragons. As I narrowed my eyes, I was able to make out a figure in black armor, lined with skulls of death, its helm shaped like a skull with horns as a dark blue cape whipped wildly around the figures shoulders.

*gasps* Does that mean he’s evil too?

In the figure's hand was a long sword with the emblem of a (20)Black Lilly at the base of the blade.

You’ve already told us what the Black Lily was in an earlier footnote, so we’re not even going to bother with this one.

It's deadly surface reflected against the dim light of the moon. "Oh no by the goddesses, those must be the Dark Knights Dalamar told us about." I whispered to my self, eying the dark figure on the dragon's back. "If they are as deadly as Dalamar says, then we must escape at all costs."

Just fucking burn the guy to cinders, drown him, create a massive storm, earthquakes! YOU HAVE ELEMENTAL POWERS! STOP RUNNING AWAY!

I pushed up closer against Link, taking his hand in mine and squeezed it tightly. "Don't worry my love, we'll be all right." Link reassured soothingly, his hand squeezing mine back.

It'll be OK Jenna! I'm coddling you, so that scary dark knight with skull decorated everything won't get us!"

  "We won't be if we don't hurry, the cave's just up ahead." Dalamar retorted quietly, his beak brushing against the thick smoke.

Some use you turned out to be Jenna, this was your chance to prove that you could actually do things, and instead you just retort to having Link kiss your ass again and having Dalamr decided to run away again! This story is like a never ending game of limbo with you!

       Just before we made it to the cave entrance, one of the dragons stepped out just a few feet from it, its yellow eyes staring directly down in the direction where we were hiding.

Its nostrils flared as it sniffed the air, its mouth gaped wide, thick saliva dripping from its fangs. "Oh no by the fires of hell, I think they're on to us!" Dalamar cursed, the color draining from his eyes. "It must smell the horses!" "Horsemeat is a dragons favorite food!" "Then what the hell do you suppose we're going to do!?" Link growled, his face twisting into a scowl. "We have no choice but to break for it, hopefully we can out run them." Dalamar returned.  Though the thought of running straight into a dragons claws didn't make Dalamar rest any easier.

The simple solution would have been to just feed the dragons the horses, or to just let them know not to bring horses at all before embarking on this quest, since these pathetic excuses of dragons only want the horses. The filler solution would be to run away again!

  Link and I mounted our horses and waited for Dalamar's signal. "On my signal take off and break left, hopefully we can get ahead of them before they notice we've left." "Now go!" Dalamar cried as he took off at full throttle, breaking just left of the dragon's right side.

You ever heard the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right?” These include:
[list=1] Attempting to turn right and left simultaneously[\list]
[list=2] the fact that a Griffin can drive a Chevy.[\list]

Booting my horse in the legs, the animal took off at full speed behind Link's stallion, following the same path Dalamar took.

if I were that horse and I’d have to deal with the constant booting of my legs, I’d quit their path altogether and join the no good side of evil in no time flat.

As we broke north towards the Black Mountains, I heard shouting from behind. "There they go, after them!" "They have a damned Griffin with them, we must capture it!" Came some of the cries as they noticed us running away.

How come nobody can just kill the enemy and instead just resort to capturing them before killing them on the spot? Why does everything need to be an elaborate masterminded scheme? SKIP!

"Holy shit were trapped!" Dalamar cried, his eyes turning a ghostly white. "How right you are, you will not escape the Dark Knights of Ariakas." Sneered one of the figures looming on the dragon in front of us. "Surrender quietly, and we just might go easy on you." The other Knight sneered. I watched as Link pulled the Master Sword out of its sheath. "I will not surrender to the likes of you." Link returned angrily, pointing it directly at the Knight in front of us. "Then prepare to die, all of you." The Knight sneered as he dismounted off the dragon in front of us, unsheathing his sword.

How much of a tool do you need to be to use a sword while you have a fire breathing dragon at your disposal?

       I unfastened my Phoenix circles from my waist, and prepared for battle. I heard a clacking sound of weapons clashing behind me as I confronted the other one. "Dalamar, quickly run behind a rock to my right." "I will handle this one." I yelled to the Griffin, my eyes resting on the Knight still on dragonback.

“You just sit over there looking vulnerable while we’re busy fighting these baddies!”

I raised my weapons up in front of me and grinned. "Now dark beast, come and get me." Pulling the blue closer, I watched as the Dark Knight unsheathed his massive sword and pointed it directly at me.

My My that’s a big sword!

"Then die wench." The Knight returned angrily as the blue danced closer. I backed up, and faced the Knight head on, my weapons raised in defense. He pulled the blue even closer, the breath from its gaped mouth caused me to gag, its deadly yellow eyes staring at me with blood lust. But I held my ground and slashed out with my weapons. The Phoenix Circles connected, ripping a gash along the beasts left nostril. Crimson red sputtered into the air, drenching my once pink dress. The blue roared in fury, its cry caused the blood in my ears to throb.

I remembered pink dresses being an essential requirement for the marines!

“Alright you maggots, get your guns loaded and pink uniforms on!”

       The dragon moved in again, its deadly claws lashed out, catching my blood soaked dress, ripping it. I swung again with my weapons, only to be met with the clank of a sword against them. The Knight pushed his sword down against mine, the tip nearing my throat. Pulling back suddenly, I thrust my weapons forward again, the round blades connecting with the Dark Knight's wrist, crimson seeping out from under his gauntlet hand. He screamed in fury, his sword glaring against the moonlight as he struck it down against my Phoenix Circles again, causing a shower of sparks to rain from the air.

Pfft, Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Once again, I’m just thinking about how much I’d rather watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail right now! Unlike this story, that movie was funny for all of the right reasons!

We sparred for a few minutes before the blue lashed its tail out, ramming it into my legs, causing me to go crashing to the ground. I staggered dizzily, trying to get up, only to be met by the tip of a sword in my face. I looked up and saw both blues with they're riders looming over me. Link had been captured and was tied up and hung over one of the dragon's back.

Oh no, the Hero of Time has been captured! This looks like a job for his sex aid!

Dalamar no where in sight. "Where's the Griffin?" One of the dragon riders asked. Silence. "Answer me wench!" He yelled, swiping the sword across my cheek causing small rivers of blood to seep from it. "I will never tell you, you dark bastards!" I sneered as I did a sudden roll and moved to the left, just before one of the dragon's mouth struck.
      I ran a few meters into a nearby canyon, then backed up against the stone wall, and watched as the two blues closed in on me, they're riders, raising spears ready to strike. At that moment I took the opportunity to strike. Raising my hands into the air, I proceeded to call upon the elements. "Kamas mu matar!" I cried skyward as my hands begun to glow a bright red, fire flaming on the tips of my fingers. With a sudden flash, the moon turned a blood red as fire shot down from the sky, striking down on the blues in a raging fury, causing them to scream in pain as the hellish blaze singed their scaled skin.

Oh, I see where this pieces together, if you have the infinite power to control the elements, it should be used as a last resort only! It all makes sense now!

I don’t get it!

       With the distraction in place, I took the opportunity again to make my final strike.  "Dalamar now!" "Grab Link off that damned beast's back." I screamed, as I held the dragons back behind a wall of fire. With a loud cry, the Snowy white Griffin took flight from behind a nearby boulder and rose skyward.

That’s funny, I don’t remember them establishing a plan earlier. Did Jenna drink Dalamar’s piss to psychologically bond with him too?

His wings beating heavily as he dipped in his flight, diving just above the blues back, grabbing Link in his talons. Rising swiftly back in the air Dalamar moved out of range allowing me to make my final attack. I focused my mind and called upon the ancient powers of the Silverlites.

But Link has Din’s fire, which technically is no different from what Jenna just did, minus the moon bleeding to death, he should be able to fight these Draconians lickety split. But no, Jenna just has to show how special she is!

I focused all my energy and concentrated it into one energy attack, then unleashed it, sending it down upon them in a massive explosion, thrusting the blues and they're riders back into the pits of hell.

Damn straight! Get your devilish asses back to hell where you belong! In the suethor’s enlarged amygdala! Dun Dun Dun!

       After the smoke cleared, I found Dalamar had crash-landed about twenty meters from where the dragons once stood. I ran over to him as the Griffin slowly opened his crystal blue eyes halfway. "Did you do it my friend?" Nodding, tears began to well up in my eyes as I watched his falter. "Dalamar…don't you dare leave me!" I cried as my hands grabbed down on the feathers around his neck. "I'm fine, m' lady, just…tired." Dalamar replied his voice raspy and stuttered. "Where's Link Dalamar, what did you do with him!?" I cried again, yanking on his white feathers. "Calm down lass, he's right here next to me on my other side, he's fine but unconscious." Dalamar whispered just before unconsciousness clamed him as well.

Do we really need a death scene here? Last I remembered, the griffin just pulled the incubus off of the dragon’s back. Maybe Jenna was so stupid, she accidentally gave Dalamar fourth-degree burns.

       I had spent nearly that entire night by a small fire at the base of the canyon we had ran into, caring for Link and Dalamar as they laid there unconscious. My whole body ached, even my eyes ached from them staying open, but I had to remain awake incase any more dragons entered the skies above.

It’s a relief you know how to take care of either of them in this situation, with the fire in the pitch dark, and not even watching them at all and sitting there with your thumb up your ass.

I just sat there and poked at the fire with a stick when suddenly I head a slight moan.

*moans* This chapter is so boring!

Looking over I saw Link was beginning to come around. I quickly got to my feet and ran over beside him. Kneeling down next to him, I looked into his half open eyes, the slight blue glistening under the moonlight. "Oh by the Goddesses you're awake." I said softly as I took Link's gloved hand into mine. He slowly raised his other hand and gently placed it against my cheek. "Are you ok, my beloved?" He said in half a whisper. I raised my other hand and rested in against his, the warmth of his smooth fingers caressed my cheek as I rubbed my cheek against them.
       "Yes…yes I'm fine my love." "But you need to get some rest." "You were badly beaten and have a nasty burse on your forehead.” I returned lovingly, whispering softly against his gentle fingers.

Does Link have hearing receptors on his fingers?

"Where's Dalamar……is he alright?" Link said as his eyes shifted slightly. "He's here and he's fine, but still unconscious…now shhh…you need to sleep, rest easy my love, I will care for both of you while you sleep."

“I’ll just continue sitting around and do nothing as I somehow watch you guys.”

I whispered softly as I lowered my lips to his and kissed him gently. Shifting his head slightly, his deep blue eyes rested upon mine as a small smile crossed his battered face. "Thank you my dearest wife, I love you always….." Came his words as he closed his eyes and rested back into a deep sleep.
       I spent the rest of the night watching over them as I sat shuddering by the fire. I lived in fear that Ariakas would send more of his Dark Knights or have his Draconians patrol the skies looking for us. So I did the best to keep the fire small, as well as kept a bucket of sand near incase I had to douse the fire quickly.

Woah! The sue actually did something smart? Well, that’s impressive, but that doesn’t make up for all of her stupid, which has to be in the sextuple digits by now.

But to my surprise, the remaining of the night I whispered to myself.was spent quiet with no signs of Ariakas's Knights or his Draconians.

Come on guys, there’s fucking glitter everywhere, and glitter is a very common sweat deposit of sues, especially in battle! It shouldn’t be that hard to find the sue!

So I sat and waited, waited for the night to pass and so that we could finish making our way to the Black Mountains. It was during that time that Dalamar finally awakened from unconsciousness and started resting peacefully.

“Ah man, my psychic mind reading powers tell me I’ve missed the perfect opportunity to clam bag him!”

       The sky was setting off tones of yellow and orange as the sun started rising above the horizon. I slowly rose from my place by the now doused fire and walked over to where Link was resting and rustled him awake. I greeted him with a gentle kiss to the lips and a few soft words before giving him some herbs to help him feel better. After I was sure he was fine, I went to wake Dalamar. Slowly the snowy Griffin rose to his clawed feet, his crystal eyes glistening under the sunlight as he looked me over. I handed him some of my healing herbs, then proceeded to pack the blanket tolls and cooking supplies back onto the horses.

And then there’s the blue potion which, in the Zelda canon, is a hospital in a bottle. For some reason they don’t have it.

After I was finished, I faced my two companions. "I think if you both are well enough to travel then we should start making our way to the Black Mountains." With a nod Dalamar walked forward. "I agree Jenna, I'm well enough to travel, what about you Link?" The Griffin inquired. Link just nodded in response. "Well if were all ready them we should move out." I returned as I mounted my mare. After Link mounted his stallion and got situated, we moved out, making our way out of the canyon we were hiding and back down the barren rocky path towards the Black Mountains.

So, why isn’t Epona here again? Did you really think we’d care that much about her having her sue colts who will probably look like a brony’s wet dreams?

       Most of the morning was spent quiet while we ate dried meat and cheese for breakfast. I rode behind Link as he followed the path that Dalamar had laid out. The barren trails that we followed soon turned into a vast deselect area of rolling hills and dried grass. And in the distance appeared the silhouette of the Black Mountains.

I’m going to bring this up for no reason, but the idea of a silhouette of an already incredibly black object is a bit confusing. How far away would you have to be from the object and how much light would you need for it to not be a silhouette?

We came to a stop just atop a small rocky hill, the warm breeze rustling the hair on our heads and swishing the manes of our horses. "There is the home of my people, the Black Mountains." "We should reach there by nightfall." Dalamar said as the feathers around his neck ruffled, his tufted ears twitching in anticipation as his eyes rested towards his home. "As long as we don't stop to rest we should hopefully be able to cross this area without any threat of Draconians dropping in on us." With a look skyward, my body shuddered at the thought of those blue dragons. "Yeah…I sure hope that we don't encounter anymore of them.” I whispered to myself.

Don’t we all? We have better things to do then to watch you artificially prolong this chapter.

"Well I think we should move out and make way at a faster pace." "Lets say at half gallop." I suggested, my eyes resting towards the tall dark shadow in the distance.
       "Do you both think you're up to it?" I questioned Link and Dalamar as I pulled back on the reins, causing my mare to dance in anxiety. "I agree Jenna, being here out in the open, we will be like sitting ducks should any Draconians come patrolling this area." "I wouldn't even doubt it if they are looking for us now." Dalamar looked skyward, his nostrils flaring as his face filled with concern. "It would be wise if we stay at least one step ahead of them.""Prevent them from ever catching up to us." Link and I just stared at the worried Griffin, our horses dancing in anxiety as if they were worried about something. "Dalamar, the horses are acting worried." "They keep dancing as if they're afraid of something." Link said as he pulled back on the reins then patted his stallion on the neck to calm it. "Horses can sense dragons from miles away." Dalamar replied worried. "I think we should get moving now, it's too dangerous to remain here any longer."


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post Mar 2 2017, 09:04 PM
   Make this chapter stop! It's so boring!

  I watched as Dalamar started off at mid run, his talons digging into the dry dirt, causing small clouds of dust to rise in his wake. I glanced over at Link as he nodded. With that I booted my horse in the legs and followed behind Link at half gallop. The dryness of the plains caused my throat to dry out and sand to cake to my skin as it kicked up from behind the hooves of Link's horse. But I pushed onward, the outline of the Black Mountains soon giving way to images of rocky cliffs and small cave openings along the mountains. The black rock of the mountain shimmered against the sunlight as if it shone of a thousand diamonds, it's immense beauty caused me to stare in awe.

Look at the pretty featureless blackness!

       At about midday we reached the base of the Black Mountains. We dismounted and guided our horses towards the main entrance into the mountain where Dalamar waited. As he eyed us over his crystal blue eyes flickered with contentment from finally being home once again. "I must see the Council Elders and tell them of my safe return home."

You have a group of warriors who ride on dragons on gaining up on you, and that’s the first thing you’re going to tell the Council?

"Please follow me, this cave leads to our city just atop the mountain." Dalamar said as he walked inside the cave, the torches lit along the cave walls causing his white feathers to glisten red.
Link and I followed, guiding our horses behind us as we made our way up the dim winding trail that let to the top. After a tiring hike, we finally emerged into a beautiful city. The buildings were made of pearl white stone, the roads paved in a beautiful marble and the streets bustling with Griffins of all different colors, shapes and sizes.

Besides the fact that Griffins can build a city at all, where do they get all of these materials from? Do they get them from magic leprechauns or something?

Female Griffins walked with their little younglings as they ran around their clawed feet while they played.

Is there anyone or anything in this story that moves and has a vagina that can live a second of their lives without taking care of children?

The market was brimming with lively Griffins about their daily wares. Some stood in front of their shops sweeping the pavement while others walked into taverns for a much-needed drink.

And I’d like to give this special opportunity to pick out a drink of choice to all of you! That’s a given must to anyone who dares to crawl into the depths of this hellhole.

      Then my eyes rested upon a tall white tower with a marble roof resting in the center of the city. A flag with the symbol of a Griffin on its hind legs with its wings spread flapped in the wind at the top.All I could do was stare in awe at the magnificent tower that loomed in front of me. Then my eyes moved to the snowy white Griffin standing next to me. "That is the tower of the Griffin Council (21)(Also known as the Tower of Elders), the place where the Council Elders lie." Dalamar quoted, his eyes transfixed forward. "I must go now and see the elders, Jenna, you and Link can wait for me at the inn." "I will return shortly." Dalamar said as he turned to leave.

I hope they’ve at least brought some money, as staying at the inn wasn’t exactly part of the plan.

Let’s get the footnote over with.

(21) The Griffin Council (Also known as the Tower of Elders) are a group of the oldest and wisest Griffins among their kind. These elder Griffins are responsible for the safety, political decisions and rule making of the Griffin society. The Griffin Council was founded during the time of the Great War when the humans thrust their kind into slavery.

So what’s the most sensible solution? How about drive another race out of their homeland, and have THEM enslaved too.

It was during that time that the Griffin Council decided that humans were not to be trusted, even after the war ended and peace was restored.

That’s not hypocritical at all!

Now with the threat of Ariakas and his Draconians, the Council elders have sealed off their borders to human access and have deemed all Griffins denied access past Dragonmount.

Then how in Satan’s asshole did Dalamar bring a Kokiri and a human merchant girl to the city, and nobody thought about forming a lynch mob? You want the answer? Just keep reading, the answer will just knock you off your seats.

Even though the Griffins do not trust humans, it was well known that High Priestess Alhana granted access to Link and his wife Jenna Silverblade

That’s the name of of our protagonist folks, Jenna Silverblade. I know Jenna’s supposed to be a Silverite, hence the word “Silver” is in her name, but why does it need to be “Silverblade”? Your character is a guaranteed Mary Sue if you decide to name them that!

and also gave them one of their precious Mind Glyphs because of their heroic deed in returning one of their kind back safely to them when he was stranded in Hyrule due to a Draconian attack.

Are you fucking telling us events of the story that didn’t even happen yet in the footnotes? I don’t care how intelligent and philosophical you think you are when you’re writing this crapfic, if you do something like that and see nothing wrong with it, do not write stories, period!

But even though the Griffins do not just trust anyone, they hope to one day, trust all humans once again.

Well then, since you’re so great at story telling, can you tell us what would happen if we didn’t want to trust them to begin with? The Griffins never did anything to warrant our trust, so we could have just as easily saw through these assholes’ bullshit just like they did with the Dragons.

"Ok my friend we will be waiting for you at the inn then." "See you soon." Link returned as he took my hand and led me into the city. We made our way into the marble streets and among the crowd of lively Griffins. My eyes just stared transfixed as we walked threw the streets, the eyes of passing Griffins watched us as we walked by, their stares of distrust caused me to move up against Link.

That’s seriously the worst these Griffins can do to a human? Give them the stink eye? Wouldn’t you think a race who holds a strong prejudice towards humans would do something to make this subplot add up? Like how about have the Griffins try to build a wall around the freaking mountains ?

He looked down into my worried eyes as he put a comforting arm around me, while our free hands pulled on the reins of our horses, guiding them behind us. Then we finally reached the inn, the sign on the front read The Griffin's Vineyard. Link went inside to fetch a stable hand to take our horses to the stable. When he came back, he had a big burly dark brown Griffin with him, his red eyes shone with caution as he walked forth and reared up on his hind legs. Taking the reins of our horses in his talons, he led them to the back of the inn and into the stables. Then Link and I headed inside. The inn was clean, its wooden floors were swept and shiny. The innkeeper, a slender tan female Griffin was busy wiping the counter with a damp rag while husky Griffins of all different colors sat around tables drinking ale.

What the anus? Are these griffins supposed to be the ones commonly found in mythology, the ones that stand on all fours, or are they a civilization of bipedal humanoids? You can’t have a griffin, a creature that stands on all fours, do the things a two-legged creature can easily do and have some of them have a “slender” body type to boot!

Link and I walked up to the innkeeper, her black eyes locking with ours. "Innkeep my wife and I would like a hot meal and a room for the night." Link said as he placed three red rupees on the counter. The innkeeper slowly lifted her slender clawed hand and took the rupees into it. She pulled them close to her beaked face and examined them before looking back at us. "I got one room and it be stewed pork with potatoes to eat this night." She returned, her hard gaze resting upon us.

As you can clearly see by this innkeeper’s kindness towards Link and Jenna, Griffins are disgusted by the sight of humans!

Link and I went and sat at a table near the fire, its red glow reflecting off our skin as it warmed us. "Oh and Innkeeper, bring us a jug or your best ale, I think we both need a good drink this night." Link added nonchalantly, as he unfastened his scabbard from his back and laid it next to him, his hand resting gently on the hilt.

Because fuck if I know if the gestation period gets out of whack when it’s interrupted by the influence, because apparently drinking while pregnant turns your child into a fucking genius!

       I just sat there and stared into the fire, the flames flickered and danced causing haunting shapes to form in them. I felt Link's soft stare rest upon me. "Jenna are you ok?" "You look troubled." My eyes continued to stare deeply into the fire. "Jenna, what's wrong?" "Jenna…" I watched as the flames continued to dance, my eyes transfixed on them, dragging my mind into a state of deep thought, when suddenly I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. Snapping out of my trance, I looked over to see Link staring at me with concern in his deep blue eyes. "Huh……oh Link what's wrong?" I asked, my eyes locking with his. "I was just asking you the same hon." "You seemed lost there for a moment." His hand gently rested on top of mine, his soft blue eyes stared deeply into mine. "What's troubling you my love?"

Jenna’s trying to be deep by forcing in one of those moments where she remembers some “traumatic” moment in her life through some poorly sought out symbol of that moment.

       I returned to staring into the fire. "I'm still thinking of last night when those Draconians attacked us." "I still remember those wicked yellow eyes and dank breath." "And even those damn Dark Knights, with their twisted laughs, and that devilish black armor they wore," Shivers started to run up my spine, as my skin suddenly seemed to turn cold. "I never thought in all my days I would encounter something as evil as them."

“Just thought it would be crucial if we remind the audience that these guys are evil again!”

I felt Link's other hand clasp over mine as he held in within his warm palms, his fingers curling around mine. "Now I'm worried just how far this might go, those dark bastards have harnessed the powers of the dragons, and with that much power, they just might be a worse threat then Gannondorf ever was." "I say as soon as were done here," my eyes moved back to Link's. "We must make haste back to Hyrule and inform Princess Zelda of what we found." I said grimly as I felt the cold shivers continue to run up my spine.

I could give the least amount of fucks, because these goons are nothing more than a bunch of dweebish wannabes that want to do evil, because some guy with a robe and magic powers gained Dark Magic from Evilland, because magic leprechauns make the plot happen. The Dark Knights can only dream to do any real evil.

       "I agree love," Link said as a young cream-colored female Griffin decked in dazzling jewelry came walking over to our table on her hind legs carrying a tray with mugs in her slender talons.

Hell if I know why Griffins don’t just walk on two feet if doing so doesn’t make their back legs break from all of the weight.

"But we've been threw so much in the last day, I think we should leave in the morning after we've both have had a good nights sleep."  Link and I watched as the young Griffin plopped down two mugs on the table, then a large clay pot. The female Griffin smiled then turned and walked away. Popping the cork, Link inhaled the fumes with a gusty sigh of contentment, his mouth watering in anticipation. "Ah that's prime." Link said with satisfaction. "Give me your mug dear," Link said as he poured himself a mug of (22)Griffin Spice. "This stuff will warm your chilled bones."

Bottoms Up!

(22) Griffin Spice is a very potent type of spiced ale. The Griffins are the only species that make this type of ale. No one is quite sure what type of spice the Griffins use in their ale to make it so potent, but some people think they use the Tapus Root which if eaten causes hallucinatory effects. If the Tapus Root is left to ferment in alcohol, it gives the drink a sharp taste, but causes one to get drunk more quickly then most types of ale.

So instead of using the footnotes to actually tell us important information the story never specified but not telling too much, like maybe the culture of the Griffins, or explaining the ties with the Griffins and the humans, Jen has decided it was more important for us to know about a type of ale, what it’s made of, and how it’s made from a root that has ethanol in it because reasons.

       Lifting the mug to his lips, Link took a long pull of the Griffin Spice then thumped the mug back down on the table. "Ah that's invigorating." He said smugly as he slid my mug back to me.

What do these Griffins put in that other than the alcohol root? Because this is clearly not pure alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant, so it shouldn’t be “invigorating”.

"Drink up my love, it will help you." I peered into the mug before lifting it to my lips and drinking the concoction that was within it. Lowering the mug back to the table I smiled at Link. "Mmm…you were right love, this stuff is great." I said pleasantly. We just sat there and reveled in the Griffin Spice, drinking the entire jug then calling for seconds.

Jenna, you just drank an extremely potent type of alcohol while you were pregnant! Your baby is going to get a severe case of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome if you keep this up. In other words, your kid’s going to be severely retarded. How are you cool with this?

Soon after, we were falling slouched in our chairs, the ale had gone to our heads. "Link….I thhiink it's time to go to bbedd." I said in a slurred tone. Nodding, his eyes blurry, he got up, staggered over to the innkeeper and pounded his fist on the counter. "Innkeep……mmyy wife and I will go to ourrr rrrooms now." Link slurred loudly.  "Hmmm I see that you've had too much to drink, I will have Tara show you to your room."  The Griffin added, a slight grin upon her beaked face.

My goodness, imagine if Dalamar came back to see this! It would be a real treat!

“Alright guys, I’m back, now all we got to do is…what the fuck is this? I’ve left you guys for an hour and all you’ve done is get wasted? What’s the matter with you two?”

        After a minute, the cream colored Griffin we saw earlier emerged from the kitchen, a soft smile upon her beaked face. "Come, I will show you to your room." She said as she turned and started heading up the stairs. We both staggered behind her, blurred images of floating objects appeared before me as we ascended the stairs. We followed the Griffin down a dimly lit hallway and stopped at the end in front of a door. With her talons, she produced a small key and unlocked the door, opening it. "Well here it is, I hope you both sleep well." Tara said smugly as she turned and walked away.

Just a reminder that Griffins don’t trust humans, especially when they are a couple of piss-ass drunk idiots!

       Leaning against Link, we both stumbled into the room, slamming the door shut behind us. I unbuckled my Phoenix Circles and tossed them on the floor as I plopped down onto the feather bed. Looking blearily up at Link, I traced my fingertips across the empty spot next to me. "Come to bed love, lie down with me." I slurred seductively. Taking his sword and throwing it on the table, he slinked into the bed next to me and pulled the sheet up over us.

Well then, I suppose something good can come out of her stupidity after all, she’ll have to pay a shit ton of rupees for throwing weapons all over the place and breaking things.

I went into his warm muscular arms and laid my head against his chest, my fingers tracing meaningless patterns over his stomach. I listened to the beating of his heart as he gentle broad hand stroked my hair. Images of blissful memories filled into my mind as I closed my eyes and drifted into another world--a world of unicorns and small creatures who lifted me up and ran away with me…..

Imagine! A sue in a world of sunshine and lollipops!

I’d continue from here, but I think I had enough of these drunken assholes for one day. If you excuse me, I think I’ll set up a drunk party of my own, where only me, my liver, and a bottle of gin are invited.

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Post #28

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post Mar 6 2017, 08:20 AM
Man, I've been in and out of this thing as it's been going along, and every time I come back it amazes me just how much the author has dragged this shit from what seemed like a shallow but common self-insert fic into this grandiose circlejerk adventure story.

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post Mar 10 2017, 01:38 PM
Finally, we get to finish this shitstorm of a chapter, and it took us an entire month. It's been quite a winding road that nobody should have the misfortune of going down.

When I awoke the next morning my head felt like I had been hit with a heavy piece of wood.

Ha! *Hides 2 X 4*

I regret nothing!

Painfully I lifted my head up and saw Link already up and dressing. Struggling to get up, I managed to sit up on the side of the bed, my head swimming with the after effects of the Griffin Spice. Then I head a voice. "Oh Jenna your awake, are you ok love?" After a minute I could tell that the voice was Link's. "Yeah….I think so, but my head hurts and my muscles ache." I said with a groan as swells of nausea welled up in my stomach.

So not only has Jenna drank an extremely potent alcohol she’s never drank before, the baby is officially as air-headed as their mother! Screw you Jenna for turning your child into a retard, and fuck you Link for telling Jenna to drink the stuff in the first place.

I heard a creak of wood as Link sat down next to me. Putting his arm around me, I felt his eyes upon my face. "You sure don't hold your ale well, love." "I guess you never drank as much as me." Link added, his lips brushing my cheek.

Whatever keg parties the people back at Kokiri throw must be the drunkest and accident-prone in all of Hyrule.

      "Do you think you'd be well enough to travel?" Moving my head slightly I looked into his loving eyes.

Just bring her, she’s already a big enough mega bitch when she’s sober and doesn’t get her way!

"I think so, but maybe I should eat first, and we would have to see Dalamar before we depart." I said holding my head. "Agreed." "Get dressed love and then come down stairs." Link said as he got up and buckled his sword on his back. Grabbing his money pouch off the table he tied it to his belt and headed towards the door. "I will meet you down stairs love," Link said as he opened the door. "Make sure you don't forget your weapons." He added then walked out closing the door behind him.

That would be like if a Muslim were to carry a fucking AK-47 around New York City and hoping they’re not seen as a terrorist.

       I staggered out of bed, the warm rays of the sun filled into the room, lighting the walls causing the stone marble to glimmer with envy. 

Jealous Marble? What the fuck is this tomfoolery?

I fumbled over to the table and rustled threw my saddle bags, pulling out a dark blue dress embroidered with Hyrule's symbol across the breast. I took off my ragged torn tainted pink dress and threw it into the bags, then I took the clean silky dress I took out previously and put it on. I smoothed out the crinkles in the dress then sat down on the side of the bed. I laced up my riding boots, then strapped my Phoenix Circles around my waist. Grabbing my blue velvet cloak, I threw it over my shoulders then tossed my saddlebags over my back and headed down stairs.

Oh my god, this clothe folding scene is so stifling! I’m so worried she doesn’t look like a Barbie doll on this special occasion!

       The common room was empty. The innkeeper was sitting behind the bar, cleaning out mugs with a damp rag.

I love how these griffins use their talons for things like sweeping up floors, holding cups of tea, sculpting clay pots, and cleaning out mugs, but they never once use it for attacking prey, or fuck, their enemies. For such a race distrustful of just about everyone, they sure seem pretty peaceful.

She eyed me as I came into the room. "Did you sleep well
m' lady?" The Griffin asked, the jewelry giggling on her tufted ears as she spoke.

*smiles and screams internally* I didn’t know this was Pee-Wee’s playhouse on crack!

I looked over at her, my eyes locking with hers. "Yes ma'am I did, thank you." I returned. "If your looking for your husband, m' lady, he's out back in the stables with Skan."

“They told him that stable of his would never benefit us griffins, especially since we don’t have horses here. This all got to his head and thought that he had nothing to live for. Thankfully you guys showed up with your sue horse and your sue boyfriend and now Skan thinks he has a purpose again! May he forever honor you in his soul.”

She said, her expression softening. "Thank you ma'am." I said as I headed towards the stables.
       Link was in the stables brushing Midnight Star, smoothing out the horse's ragged mane with a hard bristle brush. I walked up behind him and threw my arms around him. He turned to face his beautiful wife.

The fuck?!!! You call yourself Link’s beautiful wife? And you’re not supposed to be a vain piece of garbage? From now on, if you come crying to me about how poorly people treat you for your overinflated ego, expect a shiner! You’ll be more of a whiny bitch by then.

"Ah Jenna you've finally came down." "Great my love, I have wonderful news." "A messenger from the Tower came with a letter from Dalamar." "He says that the Griffin Council wishes to speak with us this afternoon." Link said as he put the brush down. My eyes widened with pure shock. "You mean the Griffin Elders want to see us?" "Holy Shit…that's unbelievable!" I screeched with excitement. "So when do we leave?"

What kind of writing process do you use to write this story? You clearly decided to add the Griffins distrusting humans bullhonky to make this chapter less of a bore fest, which did nothing, the minute you’ve finished writing this chapter.

       "As soon as they send someone for us." Returned Link as he picked up the brush and resumed brushing his horse. "Its still early morning, so relax love." "Why don't you go to the market and walk around for a while." "Well I hate waiting," I said as I started to turn to walk out." "But I have been wanting to got to the market to by some herbs." "I will be back in a few hours then my love." "Maybe I will find some good silk to buy." 

Above all, shopping seems to be the second most important thing to her! It’s ultimatum to her.

"Jenna……," Link reached into the pouch at his waist. "Take these." He said as he placed two blue rupees into my hand. "Buy yourself something good." Looking down at the rupees I clasped my hand around them as I shoved them into my pouch. "Thank you Link." "Ok love, I will be back soon." I said as I turned and walked out.

“10 rupees? You shouldn’t have!”

       The streets were bustling with all sorts of Griffins about their daily wares. The eyes of many different ones watched me wearily as I passed by, mostly just either walked the other way or moved aside. I felt a little out of place as I knew all too well that the Griffins didn't trust just anyone. Especially humans.

Sure, that’s just an idea that’s expressed in the story and never actually shown to the audience, but I guess it’s true if the author says it a hundred times.

But things started to change for the better as some of the Griffins started to notice my expensive clothes and the emblem I wore on the front of my dress. "Oh by the Goddesses…..she's from Hyrule."


"What's someone from Hyrule doing here?" "I heard she came here with High Lord Dalamar and someone said that Link the legendary "Hero of Time" was accompanying them." "But even if they did, their humans, and why have humans come into our city?" Were some of the whispers and ushered words as I heard as I entered the market.

And what’s stopping these morons from just kicking these guys out of the city if they hold little regard to what the Griffin Council says about them anyway? Is there a particular law in this city that says that they shouldn’t be giving the Council shit if they break their own rules? If so, then I seriously question the rules and policies of this place, it’s not too far off from being North Korea.

       But I just mainly pushed aside the exasperated spoken words of the Griffins in the streets and made my way into the lively market place. As I browsed around, I spotted a few good silk shops and decided to have a look. Some of the silks that the Griffins had were ones that I had never seen before. I stood in utter disbelief at some of the elaborate silks that laid right before me. Then I walked into one shop and saw the most beautiful silver silk I had seen in my life. The way it shimmered in the sun, made it look like it was interwoven with a thousand diamonds. I could tell that it was real expensive. As I held the soft intricate silk in my delicate hands, the shopkeeper eyed me curiously. He was a lean muscular light brown Griffin with thick colorful jewelry around his neck and ears. His soft green eyes landed upon the silk I held in my hands. "So lass you like that one?" He asked thoughtfully, a smile happed along his beaked face. "Yes I do…I have never seen silk as beautiful as this before." I replied as I caressed the it in my hands.

You know author, if these Griffins truly didn’t trust humans, he wouldn’t be doing any business with the sue! Not to mention how Rupees probably wouldn’t be an accepted form of currency here outside of the black market.

       "That's probably because that type of silk is very rare."
You can only find that kind of silk in one place." "Across the (23)Barren Sea." The Griffin said as he placed a clawed hand up on the counter.

Footnotes Ahoy!

(23) The Barren Sea is the largest ocean on planet Gaia that's about a day's ride to the North of Hyrule.

If that were the case, this has to be a ridiculously small planet, as that would mean this sea has to be about 20-30 miles long. Maybe that’s why the seasons are a mess in this story, because the orbit of this planet is bent out of shit.

This large water mass is said to be the most dangerous because of a large massive sea creature that is said to live in its depths, sinking any ships that try to cross it. It is also said that if a ship manages to cross without getting attacked by the sea beast, then it will be lost to either the torrential storms that plagues the ocean or the massive whirlpools that roam its waters.

So despite the fact this sea is called the BARREN sea, it’s just a generic monster-infested sea which has monsters that wreck ships out of boredom like your generic non-imaginative sea monsters with generic storms and whirlpools. Well, except for the whirlpools which seemingly have a mind of their own in order to meander about.

The Jewelry on his thick tufted ears made a clinking sound as he lowered his head closer to mine for a moment, his sharp beak just inches from my face. I just stared back at him blankly. "Across the Barren Sea?" I retorted, eyes wide "I thought that no one ever was able to cross the Barren Sea and return alive!" At that I nearly dropped the silk from my hands. "Calm down lass, but you heard wrong." "I have been across the Barren Sea and am here to tell about it." "By the way lass the names Tanis."
       I just couldn't believe what I was hearing, someone had actually been across the infamous Barren Sea and lived to tell about it. Preposterous, how could anyone let alone a Griffin make their way across the Barren Sea when it's more dangerous then crossing the Black Desert. Stories for told of a monstrous sea beast that would attack seafaring ships and sink them, leaving its crew to drift along the sea to be swallowed up by the torrential storms, malevolent tidal waves or deadly whirlpools. I still didn't believe how anyone could cross that ocean without a death wish upon their heads. But I looked back at Tanis, with a look of questioning upon my face.

Excuse me, but don’t you have to meet up with the folks at the Griffin Council? Why are we wasting our times with this?

       "Wait…just how did you cross the Barren Sea without getting sunk by the sea beast or one of those dangerous storms?" I said as I eyed him quizzically.

My god, you retards amaze me! You seriously don’t know that griffins have the ability to fly? You know, so they wouldn’t have to get attacked by the monsters and sentient whirlpools? And while we’re on the topic of the sea, where does the silk used to make the dress even come from? This is the biggest sea in Gaia, and all a sea really is is a huge expanse of the planet filled with water. The silk can literally be anywhere.

He just smiled and winked. "That's me secret lass, if I told, well…then everyone would have this silk, and many other things." "But forget about that." "I'll tell you, since you like that silk so much lass, and that I know it would look beautiful on you," Tanis rested his head on his clawed hand.

“I look beautiful in this dress I stole, therefore it’s mine.”

"I'll give you a discount price on that." "Lets say twenty rupees?" "Agreed?" Tanis looked at me with egger anticipation. I reached into my pouch and pulled out two of the three blue rupees that Link gave me earlier, "Deal." I said as I handed Tanis the rupees. Tanis took the rupees into his talons and bit on them to verify they're authenticity before putting them away. "Thank you lass," Tanis said as he handed the beautiful silk to me. "I hope you enjoy it, you made a good choice."

First of all, Link gave Jenna two blue rupees not three. Second, blue rupees are the equivalent of 5 green rupees, not 10, so you’re only giving him half the price. Thirdly, even though Griffins supposedly don’t trust humans, Tanis was apparently nice enough to give the sue a discount. So not only can LQ not world build, she can’t math either.

       "Thank you too Tanis." I said as I turned to leave. "Oh and one more thing lass, be careful in the streets, you know us Griffins are not the trusting type, unlike me, but just be careful anyway." Tanis said warningly, his emerald green eyes resting on mine.

Alright, so you’re halfway there, you’ve told us that there are some Griffins that are not complete assholes. However, can you actually give us instances where the Griffins actually shows actual distrust towards us.

“"Thank you." I said flatly as I started to walk out. "G' day lass, take care." Returned the Griffin as I disappeared into the streets.

Someone’s stereotypically confused!

I walked around the market aimlessly for a while, before stopping at a few other shops and brought more healing herbs, then noted the time and decided to head back to The Griffin's Vineyard.

What, there’s no scene where Jenna meets a Griffin who’s endeavored through the Tranquil Forest, which is full of smelly hairy ape like creatures and sentient forest fires to get the herbs?

       The Griffin's Vineyard stood shimmering against the midday sun. Its marble roof sparkled with a gold tinge as the sun's rays hit it just right. Its windows shone like crystal as patches as the low beams of the golden orange rays washed threw them, causing shadows to dance along the windowpane. As I stepped inside, I noted the fully bustling common room with burly Griffins of all colors talking in meaningless dribble as they drown they're woes in their ale.

Not sure if that’s racist, or just culturally ignorant of the sue, not knowing that not everyone in this world she just created is American.

Then the innkeeper quickly noticed me and eyed me in a way to tell me to come over. "M' lady your husband has been looking for you." "He said for me to tell you as soon as you came back to meet him out back by the stables." "He also said it was important that you do so hastily."  Walking up to her I cracked a small smile. "Thank you ma'am." "I will go there quickly now."
       With haste I went to the back of the stables and found Link saddling his stallion. When he noticed me, he called me over to him. "Where have you been Jenna?" "We're going to be late for our meeting with the Griffin Council." Link said urgently as he walked over to me and placed a gentle hand upon my shoulder. "Sorry my love, but I got caught up trying to buy some silk."

“This chapter just wasn’t long enough! Can you forgive me honey?”

I watched as Link's gaze shifted to the silk in my hand. "Let me see that Jenna." Link said. I handed him the silk and his eyes widened. "This is very beautiful silk honey, where did you get it?" "I found it at a shop and got it real cheap, only twenty rupees." I replied. "Oh Goddesses love…you must have gotten a deal." "Usually silk costs more then that, special silk of this type." "But anyway, when we get home we'll have to have a dress made out of it for you." "That type matches your skin and I know it will look beautiful on you." Link said with a broad grin, his eyes twinkling with a certain desire.
      I went into his arms and slowly placed my lips close to his. "Hmm…I know what your thinking about my love, it shows in your eyes." "But regretfully it will have to wait until we return home." I said softly at his lips, then inclined to them, tasting the spices still left on them from the ale he drank the night before.

Hey guys, don’t you know there’s a plot going on while you’re screwing around talking about your next fuck session which we’ll hopefully never see? Whatever, let’s just skip to the fucking meeting! All we’re really skipping here is more vague descriptions of the city and a mention to how Griffins don’t trust humans for the gazillionth time.

Two Griffin guards holding spears in their talons, exchanged surprised glances before their skeptical stares rested upon us.
      "What business do you have at the Tower of Elders humans?" One of the Guards said slurred. "Where here to see Lord Dalamar, he has sent word the Griffin Council whishes to speak with us." Link said calmly. The two Guards exchanged glances again, their expressions growing even more skeptical. "What would the High Lord of the Griffin Council what to do with a human?" The guard retorted, again in a slurred voice.

Shit, the guards tried that magical Griffin Spice from earlier too? Horrible things are about to go down!

Link pushed his horse closer causing the guards to put their spears in an "x" across the gate, blocking his entry. He looked at them irritably, his patience growing thin. "Look, just send for Lord Dalamar and he will tell you himself." Link scowled, his hands tightening on the reins.

So Link, the “Hero of Time”, was asked a simple question. That question was why Dalamar wanted them. What does Link do? How about instead of answer the question, he tries to charge into them? That’ll gain them their trust.

One of the Griffin Guards took his spear and placed the tip just inches from Link's chest. "I don't know what type of devious plot your planning here human, but if you two don't get lost……" The guard was cut off by a loud booming voice.
      "What the hell do you two think your doing?!" Dalamar yelled as he appeared in the courtyard just beyond the gates. "Lord Dalamar sir," The Guards turned shocked and saluted. "We didn't know you were there." "By the fires of hell you didn't know I was there, because you're goofing off that's why." Dalamar said angrily. "Now why haven't you allowed my guests in?"

That “goofing off” is called a job, Dalamar! Oh wait I forgot, the guards questioned the almighty sue and her boyfriend, therefore, they are the people we’re supposed to shun, instead of the cold-hearted bitch who stole the roles of practically everyone in Hyrule and is proud of it!

      "Dalamar sir…." The guard started. "Yes you heard me right," Dalamar walked closer to the guards until he was practically breathing on them. "Open those damned gates and allow them in, now!" Dalamar snapped, his eyes glimmering with anger. "Yes…yes sir." The guard said as he fumbled to get the gates open. Pulling the immense brass gates aside Link and I rode past them and joined Dalamar on the other side. "Sorry my friends for all of that. I didn't mean for….." Link cut him off abruptly. "No worry my friend, we're just glad that you came along." Dalamar scuffed a laugh."Well those guards are just young and naïve." "Getting good help in the armed services is not easy these days." But anyway my friends, dismount, I will have the stable hands take the horses to the stables." "We must make haste, the Council awaits your arrival." Link and I dismounted, then followed Dalamar inside the Tower.

LQ, you may not realize this, but when you repeatedly establish these Griffins as noble yet non-trusting of humans, you don’t go ahead and claim that these guys are pricks simply for doing their jobs. Well, the Griffins already sort of jerks regardless, but of all of the times you could have proved that Griffins actually distrusted humans, you had to pick the one scene where Dalamar talks to them like they were idiots for following the rules that he himself established.

       The inside of the Tower was beautiful. The walls were ivory white trimmed in gold.  Wool banners with intricate designs and patterns hung from the walls by gold cords, while shimmering crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling. As with everywhere else, the floors where made of marble while beautiful silk and wool furnishing sat upon it. A thick red wool carpet lined the floor, running all the way to a set of gigantic golden doors.

Shit, this mountain has everything for the Griffin’s beautiful Council Office! The only thing that this mountain does’t have is the kitchen sink!

Dalamar stopped just short of the doors and turned to face us. "Beyond these doors lies the Griffin Council." "I will go tell them of your arrival." Dalamar said as he turned to the two guards standing in front and nodded to them. The massive gold doors opened with a loud creak, and Dalamar disappeared behind them. Then the doors slowly closed behind him, leaving us to wait out side.
       I just paced outside the massive golden doors for what seemed like an eternity. My eyes just darted from the doors to Link and visa versa. Link just watched as I started to wear a hole in the floor. "Jenna…you know that all of that pacing is not going to get them to see us any faster." Link stated flatly, his eyes following me. "I know…I'm just anxious, and I hate all this damned waiting." I returned annoyed and continued my pacing.

“I liked life so much better when everything was given to me on a silver platter and I didn’t have to wait for things!”

"Sigh……c'mon Jenna, will you relax and save your energy." "You're starting to make me dizzy watching you." Link said as he shifted himself where he was standing. Reluctantly, I walked over to where Link was standing and sat down near his feet. "I wonder what they could be doing in there for them to be taking so long to see us." I said grimly as I traced patterns along the floor with my finger.

Give me a fraking break! Jenna’s an adult, and here she is acting like a three-year old at the airport!

"I'm not sure love, but I think they will not leave us out here forever……"

“My ellipses probably last longer than the time it takes for them to set up a meeting.”

Just then I heard a creaking sound and our heads jerked up.
       The massive golden doors opened and a young male Griffin stepped out from behind them. "The Council of Elders will see you now." He said as he gestured for us to follow him. I got up and followed Link past the two guards and inside the Council Chamber. The Inside was dimly lit by torchlight. Beautiful banners hung from the walls, expensive gold trimmed wooden tables lined them while various vases and porcelain plates sat upon their polished surfaces. Then my eyes traced forward to the five pedestals where five heavily, carved, oaken chairs sat with five cloaked figures among them. Link and I walked closer then knelt down before them. I remembered that it was always customary when in the presence of high authority to place your hand on the hilt of your weapon. I watched as Link solemnly placed his left hand on the hilt of his sword, then lowered his head. Mimicking him, I placed my right hand on my Phoenix Circles then lowered my head as well.
       We sat in that position for a moment, then a soft elderly female voice spoke out. "Link the "Hero of Time" and Jenna Silverblade(24) please rise and come forth.

So your name is so important that it warrants a fucking annotation? Well, what’s so special about it you already special snowflake.

(24) Silverblade is Link's last name.

Link’s dead mother must have named him that while he was left in those woods, and included it.

When I (Jenna) married him, I also acquired the hero's last name. Link Silverblade's brave deeds have spread across planet Gaia. There isn't a race known that hasn't heard of Link Silverblade the "Hero of Time".

With the exception of you at the beginning of the story, Dalamar at the beginning of the chapter, King Harkinian, the rest of the citizens in Hyrule, and so many other people. what is with these people? Don’t they ever read the Hyrulian headlines about all of the incredible things Link Silverblade ever did?

Rising slowly, I got to my feet and moved closer to the ivory pedestals, and the five figures moved out of the darkness and revealed themselves. I noted that four of the five, were elderly Griffins with gray fur and feathers and two of them were female. And on the left sat Dalamar. The Griffin that sat in the center looked to be at least a hundred year old female, decked heavily in jewelry encrusted with emeralds and rubies around her neck, and brightly colored earrings hung from her faltering tufted ears. The gray feathers around her neck laid flatly against her body while her wrinkled clawed hands rested on the arms of her oak chair. Her eyes wore heavy wrinkles around them and her beak looked like it had gotten worn over the years.

Question. Griffins have feathers, right? What kind of demonic magic possesses these griffins to give them wrinkles?

       He dull gray eyes watched us, scrutinized us, her worn beak sitting gaped open slightly, as she begun to speak. "Link and Jenna Silverblade, are ye the ones that Lord Dalamar claims to have saved him and saw him safely home?" Moving forward slightly, Link bowed is head and answered. "Yes m' lady, we are the ones Lord Dalamar speaks of." Link returned formally, his head still bowed. "You know Link Silverblade, we the Griffins never have trusted anyone."

Except for bitchy whiny Self Inserted Mary Sues!

"Ever since the Great War hundreds of years ago when the humans enslaved us and forced us to do their bidding, our faith in the humans has never been the same."

You guys had it easy. Trust me when I say we did far worse things to people of other races. Take this handsome chap for example…

"But you have proven different." "You and your wife, Jenna Silverblade, have risked your lives to travel threw the land that Ariakas now controls to safely bring one of our people home."

It’s so amazing how bravely you ran away from those dweebs!

"Not too many humans will go to great lengths to save one of us, but you and your wife have proven that not all humans are bad," The elderly Griffin leaned forward in her chair.

Yes, let’s have these two humans you’ve never met diminish your hatred for a species you’ve strongly distrusted for centuries!

"However because of that distrust among our people, we cannot allow you both to stay here much longer."
       Her tufted ears flattened against her head, her gaze softening. "I wish that it didn't have to come to this." "Dalamar has informed us that you even risked your lives to save him when you were ambushed by a set of Draconians." She tilted her head solemnly. "But its that word has spread among our people that there's humans in the city and many are not happy." "Some are even rebelling against your presence here."

For example, those two guards we’ve met earlier are on strike now because of how much of an idiotic ass wipe Dalamar has been to them.

"We cannot have an uproar now even when we need our people to be strong in light of this raging war against Ariakas." "So I will have to ask you and your wife to please leave in the morning." "Again I wish that it didn't have to come to this, but maybe one day with the knowledge that there are humans like you, then maybe all of us will learn to trust again." "But the time isn't now." "However," The Griffin Elder, looked over to the Elderly male Griffin at her right, and took something from his clawed hand. "Should you ever need one of us in a time of need," The elder rose to her feet, standing on her hind legs and walked down the steps in front of Link. "We will always come to your aid should you ever call." She outstretched her clawed hand and handed Link a small crystal pendant with the Griffin emblem on top of it."That Crystal is called a (25)Mind Glyph." "Those are symbolic to our people, but I want you to have it."

What this particular caricature, I mean crystal, symbolizes is never discussed in this story, so don’t think too hard about it.

"Should you ever need us, all you have to do is focus your thoughts into the Crystal and think of us." "All of us here on the Council are connected to it telepathically, just open up your heart and we will answer."

“Be sure you do it at the correct time though! One time Dalamar used it and saw me drinking Griffin Spice, wasted on the toilet and showing off my Griffin titties to the mirror.”

(25) The Mind Glyph is a small clear crystal with telepathic powers. These small crystals are only owned by the Griffins and are symbolic to their people. It is said that these telepathic crystals are connected directly to the Griffins, making mind-to-mind communication easy among them. Not too many other races outside their kind own one of these and only ones truly trusted by the Griffins are so lucky to be given one of these beautiful and rare crystals.

In other words what matters more is not getting alliance from the Griffins. What matters more is getting super nice things!

She raised a clawed hand and rested it on Link's shoulder. Her soft dull eyes gazing into his. "We know all about your great exploits Link Silverblade also known as the "Hero of Time." "How you saved your entire homeland from a deadly evil threat, restoring peace and prosperity to what it once was." "Knowledge of those great heroics is well known throughout our city, even teachings of your great deeds is taught to our little ones in school."

Well if they already knew about his adventures, shouldn’t they already know at this point that not all humans are evil?

       "But," Her gaze suddenly hardened and her clawed hand moved back to her side causing the jewelry on her tufted ears to jingle as it moved. "Even in light of such bravery, the presence of humans in our city is causing uneasiness among our people."

Which is why we’re all celebrating your great achievements by circlejerking you.

Link bowed his head again, his eyes along the floor. "I understand High Priestesses Alhana, we will leave under your orders in the morning." "There is not need for explanations, we have always known that Griffins were not always trusting since the time of the Great War."

So that means that the griffins only unconditionally trust humans sometimes. I guess they were lucky to come here that one day.

"Were sorry that our presence here has been unwanted." Link returned apologetic. Alhana put her clawed hand gently under Link's chin, her talon resting softly against his skin she slowly lifted his head up until their eyes met. "Young warrior, there is no need for apologies, you came here under the pretences of returning one of our own safely." "And for that there is no need for you to be sorry about your presence here."

Plus the conflict’s probably going to be resolved in the next chapter anyway, so why should you give a damn?

       The Elder slowly turned and returned to her seat on the Council. "When the day comes that our people can learn to trust again, we would be honored if you and your wife would return here to our great city." "But until then…." Link knelt down again and put his left hand on the hilt of his sword. "There is no need for explanations High Priestess Alhana, we will respect your wishes." Link just sat there, Alhana's gaze shifting from him to me then back to him again. "Rise again young hero." Alhana said as her gaze softened once more. Link rose again and their eyes locked. "Always remember of what was spoken here today, and keep that Mind Glyph close to your heart for we are forever indebt to you, Link Silverblade."

"Remember all of the pointless dribble that contradicts our way of living we’ve just told you."

"I will have High Lord Dalamar show you to the gates." "Take care Link and Jenna Silverblade, may the Goddesses watch over you." Alhana said as Dalamar rose from his chair on the Council and came down beside us.

Despite Jenna being a fanatical ditz, she apparently didn’t know about the glue that held the Zelda canon together, the Triforce, which was created by the things the Hyrulians actually worship. The Hyrule Pathenon, which everyone in Hyrule worships.

       "Follow me my friends, I will have your horses brought to the front." Dalamar said as he walked towards the massive golden doors, then out. We followed Dalamar to the front gates where are horses were saddled and waiting for us. Link and I mounted our horses then turned to face Dalamar one last time. "I want to thank you again my friends for accompanying me on my journey and seeing me safely home." Dalamar said appreciably, his crystal blue eyes glistening under the sunlight.

That is if “safely” means the sue almost burning you to death.

"No need for that, it is all in the hero's line of work." "I swore by the very code to help those in need and I strongly a hear to that code.” Link returned solemnly.

So does this story take place in the Matrix or something, and Link is still asleep in the real world as we redpills like to call it?

"It was a pleasure accompanying you here." "My wife and I had always wanted to see the magnificence of the Griffin City."Dalamar laughed huskily. "Well my friends I'm sure glad that you did join me or I might have ended up as roasted Griffin meat for the Draconians."

Dude, Jenna was playing with fire while you were actually fighting them on your own! You’ll live longer without the sue in your life.

       Link's gaze suddenly hardened. "Do you think that Ariakas is planning an attack against your people?" Link said darkly. Dalamar's face faltered, the tufts ears resting flatly against his head. "I cannot be too sure, but the Council is going to prepare in case we will have to go to war."

You guys are already in a war. The biggest problem with this unstructured plot is that it keeps turning on a dime! An old, rusty dime.

"We're already preparing the troops for heavy combat and upping security along our borders." "I'd say were safe…for now." Dalamar returned flatly, his expression darkening.  "Well we wish you all the best of luck…and should you ever need us…you know where to find us." Link said as he turned he stallion towards the gate.

He doesn’t know where you live, and for good reasons, but that’s a different story!

       "Thank you again my friends…..and may the Goddesses see your safe return back to Hyrule." Dalamar said as he gestured for the guards at the gates to open it. A clank sound filled the air as the heavy brass gates slid open, allowing us to pass. With one look back, we waved one last time back at our new-found friend before departing into the marble streets. Link and I remained quiet for a short time, listing to the clicking sound of the horse's hooves on the marble roads as we rode. Then finally it was I who broke the silence. "Link," I started. "Hmmm….." He responded. "Do you think we should start heading back to Hyrule now instead of tomorrow?" "I mean, I think the sooner we get back the better." I returned fervently, my hands twitching nervously on the reins. Link looked over at me with eagerness in his eyes.

No fucking shit you guys have to leave, you were just ordered to leave and the Draconians are still looking for you shitheads!

       "I was just thinking the same thing love." "We need to hurry back with the information we possess." Zelda must be informed of what we encountered on our way here."

But the story will most likely end abruptly before they can even make it back.

Link returned with growing worry. "I agree." "So are we heading out now?" I questioned.

Or are we going to have sexy drunk tiger sex on the beautiful marble streets?

  "Yes…yes we are." "I think we should get back before anything else happens…."

Oh god, this chapter is finally over! Woohoo! Only one more chapter to go and I’m calling it quits!

My content can be found here.

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post Mar 15 2017, 06:44 AM
Here we are ladies and germs! We’re at the last chapter of My Inner Life! No fanfare necessary! Let’s just get this over with!

Evading the Shadow

       The trip back was quiet for the most part, although we did worry about Draconians patrolling the skies or Dark Knights on ground patrol. We kept on trails that were mainly concealed, avoiding open areas or staying in one place for too long. We rode all night long, taking turns sleeping on horseback. I was the first one to sleep while Link guided my horse by rope. Then we switched and I took the lead guiding his horse till morning.

As we know, humans need to sleep! Unfortunately for the horses, they’ve picked up an evil magic which caused them to gallop at full speed until the end of time.

       We ate dried meat and cheese for breakfast then stopped at the Snake River to wash up and refill our waterskins. We built another makeshift raft and then crossed the treacherous river.

Come to think of it, why did they even need to build rafts to get across the river to start with? Jenna has the ability to control water. Couldn’t she have used that ability to walk through the river like this?

Sure, it would be kind of stupid since that would mean she’d have to automatically learn that ability when the plot demanded it yet again, but the suethor saw nothing wrong with it when Jenna suddenly learned to bend fire. So why stop there?

Once on the other side, we disposed of the raft and covered up our tracks as so we could not be followed. We rode all the way to the Black Desert without stopping to rest since we were close to Ariakas's border.

And they don’t cover up their tracks when they’re actually on the border of Ariakas because…um.

Once we arrived at the Black Desert, we wrapped our heads with damp rags and gave some water to the horses before crossing the hot desert.
      The trek across the Black Desert was long and treacherous. The heat was immense and the sand caused my mouth to dry out. I nearly drank all my water before we finally reached the desert border. Once we left the desert behind, we found a small river and stopped to rest and wash up again.

That ended a lot quicker than it did in the last chapter! There’s no fucking excuse to treat this desert like it’s some scary treacherous obstacle, and yet you breeze through it like you’ve never even went to the desert to begin with.

Link and I sat under a Hugh burlap tree, enjoying the shade it provided while we ate bread and cheese. Then feeling my eyes growing heavy, I cuddled into Link's arms and took a well deserved nap.

Actually, if you haven’t noticed, the Draconians are still looking for you! How about you hustle instead of just laying there and having the plot pause the conflict for you?

       Link awoke me a short time later then we resumed heading home. We finally arrived back in Hyrule just before nightfall. The pinkish lavender coated skies reached its hand across Hyrule Field, giving it even more immense beauty. We headed for the drawbridge and crossed it just before it was raised for the night. We rode all the way to the first gate where my old friend Perrino was on guard duty. As we approached him he jumped as a look of pure shock crossed his face. "Oh by the dGoddesses…Jenna you and Link have finally returned home!" "Do you wish to see Princess Zelda tonight?" He asked smiling. "Yes we do Perrino, and with great urgency." "We have some very important information." I returned sternly, my face glowing with concern. "Yes at once then mistress Jenna." Perrino returned as he slid the gate open.
       We rode up the dirt path and to the second gate where the guards took our horses to the royal stables then led us inside the castle. We were then led to the throne room where Zelda was waiting, her eyes shimmering with happiness that we returned home safely. But that was all soon to change when we told her about our encounter with Draconians and Dark Knights. After she heard all the information we possessed,

Exactly what new information did they learn about the Draconians? Wasn’t it obvious from start that they're just Mr. Evilman's evil army that wants to attack Hyrule for some unexplained reason?

       security was upped at every border and along the perimeter near the Black Desert and Gerudo Desert. Word had spread quickly threw Hyrule about Ariakas and his Draconians, causing the citizens of Hyrule to be thrown into a shear panic. People in Kakariko Village had started boarding up windows and bolting doors. More guards were stationed along the border to Death Mountain and just outside the entrance to the village.

BOARD UP THE WINDOWS, BOLT THE DOORS!! That’ll stop those dragons!

      The word had even spread to the Kokiri Forest and Gerudo Valley. The Gerudo's had started upping their defensive training and attack strategies. The Gerudo leaders were pushing all the women from as young as fourteen to enter the harsh Gerudo Training Grounds to hone in on their attack skills. Security had even became tightlipped among their hideout. Only persons possessing the Gerudo's Membership cards were allowed within its walls.

They seemed to have glossed over the easy to miss fact that these things can fly over walls!

       Even the peaceful Kokiri had started training in the arts of attack and defense. Mido had made sure that he would not go without some way of protection for his forest or people. So every Kokiri was equipped with a Kokiri sword and small crossbow. Each were trained under the Know it all brothers whose knowledge in the arts of fighting were widely known.

Oh, this is glorious! *takes out stress ball and starts squeezing* This is a true beauty to the fanfic world if I’ve ever saw one! Where do I begin with this? Well, let’s start off with the most deniable of facts that apparently everyone in Kokiri gets their very own Kokiri sword, even though there’s only ever been one! But I’m going to give the author of the benefit of a doubt and say that there’s the 0.0001% chance a couple of those things are lying around just in case a war randomly broke out in a world with only one nation. Magnificent! Secondly, there’s the fact that the Kokiri, who are freaking Peter Pan if he were race — you know, small, wears green, and never grows up — even got ahold of these weapons to begin with. Last I’ve checked, all they have is slingshots, which is only good for stunning enemies. But that’s OK, apparently their artillery is more than we’ve bargained for. Lastly, let me mention the fact that the genius author thought it would be a perfect idea for the Know-It-All brothers, who mainly teaches people how to use the C-stick and all that jazz, to teach the Kokiri how to fight Mr. Evilman and his evil goonies. This story has so many great ideas that would make people like Suzanne Collins cry in the corner!

The Zora and Goron had even prepared for war. Security was even more tight knitted among them. No one was allowed to enter the Goron City unless they knew the song of the royal family, and the Zoras admitted no one unless they were in direct contact with the royal family.

Strangely, nothing’s really changed, since that’s how anyone besides Link can access!

Even as peaceful as these races have been known to be, they became more warlike, steeled themselves for battle with the threat of such a deadly enemy as Ariakas.

But Hyrule was never part of his original plan! He hasn’t even beaten the Griffins yet! Would you imagine what it would be like if Hitler tried to take over France when he hasn’t even invaded Poland and killed the Poles?

I watched as most of Hyrule prepared for impending doom, their very lives being thrust into a state of turmoil.  Fear had spread out among the entire countryside with the knowledge that a Dark Knight on dragon back could attack at any time. Most Hylians who crossed Hyrule Field to get from one place to another, usually did not stay out in the open too long with that kind of threat upon them.
         But there were precautions taken to try to prevent any Draconians form entering Hyrule airspace. Watchtowers were put up along the borders to the Black and Gerudo Deserts. One was even stationed at the infamous Spirit Temple, where Nabooru herself stayed in close contact with. But even with watchtowers in place, no one could be sure that a Draconian patrol small enough could slip past the watchtowers and cross Hyrule's border. Plans were put into the works by Princess Zelda to establish an air patrol of some kind. Ground patrol had been covered with Knights on horse back, but with something patrolling the skies above, the threat of Draconians crossing the borders from above might be minimized. But there weren't really any creatures big enough except Dragons and Griffins to carry a full grown human.

It’s too bad there’s nobody in Hyrule with a super outrageously awesome last name, like Silverblade per se, who has the ability to control the wind to make things fly!

       The only other creatures big enough that could fly, were the (26)Unipegs that lived to the south of Hyrule in the (27)Mystic Rainforest. But the only problem was, one; the Unipegs were a peaceful non-war like race. These winged beauties live peacefully among the forest caring for the trees and creatures that live among them.

So basically, this Mystic Rainforest was created by Captain Planet and it is here where he raised Bambi!

And two; The Unipegs also don't just trust anyone like the Griffins, and usually will run at the sight of a human.

Because if the Grifins have taught us anything, it’s that humans are monsters!

It was said that the only way to gain a Unipegs trust, is you have to be pure of heart and you must also believe in them.

And they know because they eat magic oats, which you must also believe or they won’t trust you for some reason!

If your heart was pure but you didn't believe in the Unipegs, then they wouldn't come to you and Visa Versa. Not even that, one would even be so lucky to even find the Mystic Rainforest. This forest is under a magical spell. The properties of the forest keep changing so that one never knows whether they're in the right forest or not. Also the forest only shows itself fully under the light of the full moon.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! This is making me throw up rainbows right now, it is just that sweet and sugary! Someone help me!

No! It cannot be. I’m getting explosive rainbow diarrhea as well!

I cannot handle this level of feminine assfuckery!

       Zelda was not too sure if the Unipegs would even want to involve themselves in someone else's problems, let alone engage in a war. But she wanted to try anyway. This was the last hope for establishing air patrol.

Because why get ahold of a race that hates humans and has more military experience, hint hint, when you can get ahold of a race that hates humans with no military experience at all!

So she sent a small convoy along with two diplomats representing Hyrule to the Mystic Rainforest.

So you guys knew where it is? I got this weird feeling that this place would be incredibly difficult to find! Boy was I daft to believe that!

Two days later, the convoy returned with the Unipeg leader, which came as a surprise to everyone. After the Unipeg leader met with Princess Zelda, Link and I, he agreed to help us with our Knights to patrol the skies. The only set back was they steadfastly insisted that they would not engage in combat with any dragons.

But don’t all of the troops ride on dragons anyway? This is basically them giving a big middle finger to all of them for wasting their time on such a non existent conflict that could easily be resolved with the Sue’s shat out elemental powers.

Since horsemeat was a dragon's favorite meal, the Unipegs would've made a fine delicacy for the dragons. And that was something the Unipeg leader didn't want to risk. He had said their people had been living in secret inside the Rainforest to protect themselves from evil, especially dragons.

So what! I’m sure dragons like to eat humans too, and they don’t seem to care about the off chance of getting eaten as much as they pussies do.

        So the Unipegs prepared themselves for a whole new way of life. Carrying humans on their backs took some time getting used to, especially for their riders. But not too long afterwards, the knights and Unipegs were working hand in hand, patrolling the skies with such marvelous and grace, flying with the swiftness of a (28)Kariee in flight.

We have an “X is as ______ as a Y” statement here with an ambiguous Y! Define Y please!

(28) The Kariee is a small swift predatory bird that lives along the borders of Gerudo Valley. This small desert bird hunts small mice and lizards for food; thought it will occasionally attack larger lizards and other birds. The Kariee is a territorial bird that will attack to defend its territory and any females in it from enemies and other encroaching males.

Thank you, but you know what else would help us understand your analogy a little better? How about sticking to the canon instead of creating your own abominations and shitting them all over the Zelda canon. To elaborate, Hyrule has these predatory birds called guays, which are also found in Gerudo Valley. Here’s a picture:

They are also swift hunters and they seem pretty territorial as they will attack you if you happened to walk into their territory. You know Jen, if you care so much about what your love Link’s going to think of this story, given that he somehow exists in our universe, wouldn’t it kind of make sense you don’t act like there’s not very much stuff to work with in Hyrule to write this story, and therefore combine the shit you’ve learned in the first five days in your Mythology class with the shit in Hyrule?

Soon there after, Unipegs carrying Hylian Knights on their backs could been seen flying over Hyrule Field. With the knowledge that some of Hyrule's best were patrolling the skies, most Hylians became unafraid to travel across Hyrule Field. Though the dangerous threat still remained, Ariakas with his evil hoard of Dark Knights and Draconians from the Shadow Realm.

       Weeks passed with no sign of Ariakas and his evil knights. Then one day that was all about to change.

       Link and I had made one of our usual trips to Lake Hylia with our fairies and son to watch the sunset. Since I was now seven months pregnant, I had to regularly get out for fresh air. Link and I had found our usual spot on top the highest hill facing west, just six feet from the lake's bank, and snuggled down into each other's arms. I held our son in my arms while I breast-fed him.

How old is this kid again? About a year old? Why the fuck are you still breast feeding him? Do I really need to have that image implanted in my head and for it to never leave? Your ineptitude at basic parenting skills is creepy.

Our fairies had situated themselves at each of our sides, except Aria who landed on my left shoulder while I fed little Link. A cool breeze rustled gently across the area, causing sweet smells of the approaching autumn to brush against our noses. With a gusty sigh, I backed up against Link's chest and snuggled my cheek against his, while his gentle deep blue eyes were transfixed towards the lake.

I’ve been starting to notice a pattern here, whenever something terrible happens and the sue is involved, the problem always seems to start at Lake Hylia. First it was Ruto and Dark Link, then it was Dalamar and the Draconians, now it’s whatever’s about to happen next. Basically, the sue has transformed this serene lake into a plot device.

       I had always enjoyed these peaceful times with Link. Everything was quiet and serene, no one around to bother us.

“There’s no flamers to spew their shit over this story, no forums run by nerds to mock my magnum opus, and there wasn’t even a guy who made a dramatic reading of my story on Youtube”

The threat of Ariakas had slowly started to dissipate, and everyone started to return to their normal lives.

You became a sponge again, and Link became a baby maker again! Yay!

Or so we thought….

LQ, you’ve already done this to build up fake suspense, you don’t need to do it again!

       The sun's last rays started to disappear over the horizon, it's golden orange lavender rays stretched its reach over the lake, causing it to glisten like small diamonds. I watched in awe like I always have done as the reddish orange ball disappeared over the horizon giving way to the deep blue color of the approaching night.


Small white lights started to line the night sky as Link and I got up and brushed ourselves off. I wrapped our son in a tan wool blanket and we proceeded to gather the horses and head home, when I felt a sudden whoosh behind me.

Gotta go fast!

Oops, wrong franchise!

       I swiftly turned around towards the lake. Shadows of dancing objects in the wind moved across the water's surface, but I saw nothing that caused that sudden rush of cold wind behind me. I turned back around wearily and walked over to my horse. I patted the horse gently on the neck then proceeded to fasten Link jr into his small saddle.

Apparently, horses work like bicycles! All you gotta do is attach an extra saddle to the horse, and voila, your cute tiny gnat gets a ride too, training hooves sold separately.

After he was secured on his saddle I mounted my mare and moved over to Link who had just finished fixing his saddlebags. But as I waited for Link to mount his stallion, I could not help but feeling as if we were being watched. After Link mounted his horse, I moved in closer to him so I was directly next to his ear.
       "Link, I don't know if you feel it too, but do you feel as if we're being watched?"

Hey, Jenna, who’s telling the story? We already have a narrator, your proud creator Jen!

I asked him barely audible, while my eyes watched nervously forward. Link paused for a moment then turned to face me. "Are your sure Jenna?" "I don't sense anything of that stature."

“How does I Engrish?”

"Maybe you're just nervous about something." Link said softly and he placed a warm hand against my cheek. "I don't know." "I cannot help but feel as if something is watching me, staring at me with evil eyes." "I don't know about you, but I'm anxious to leave and go home."

This is the protector of Hyrule people! She thinks something amiss is going to happen, and this is how she responds to it. Once again, notice how she bravely runs away from the evil demons, hides, and begs to go back home at the thought of fighting those demons. What an empowering female role model!

       "I still think that you're just worried about something,

No shit Sherlock! The subject of the matter is not whether or not she’s worried about something, it’s whatever the fuck she is worried about!

but if you want to leave my love then we will." Link cupped his other hand on my other cheek and pulled my face close to his. "But to make you feel better love, I will give you a nice hot sponge bath when we get home." Link said soothingly as he inclined his lips to mine.

Once again, notice how the Chosen One needs the aid of her fuckbuddy to coddle her when something shitty is about to hit the floor. Quite an achievement!

After a minute of peaceful eternity, I looked deeply into his eyes. "You always know how to make me feel better." "And that's one of the reasons why I married you." I said softly against his lips, then  inclined to them again.

“Sure, there was no fucking way I’d ever know that before the marriage, but I guess my story will be more cherishing to read when I highlight the very few good qualities of my characters that just come and go!”

The moments we spent locked in each other's kiss seemed to tick to an eternity of pure bliss as our small soft kisses soon gave way to deeper more passionate kisses, and as we held the blissful position I suddenly felt warm and peaceful inside. The feelings of being watch soon left my body and opened up to ones of pleasure.

Oh this is bringing back so many memories when this story wasn’t a stupid adventure story, but instead your average self-insert fan fiction. I remember it all like it was yesterday!
       Then we drew apart and I took Link's hand and nuzzled my cheek into his palm. "I don't know what came over me.""I suddenly feel foolish for thinking that something was watching me when it must have all been a dream." I said, feeling slightly embarrassed.

Yeah, apparently that feeling of being watched when you were clearly awake was all a dream. Throw those cat like instincts in the trash, they kind of suck now!

Link took his hand, lowered it under my chin and lifted my head up until our eyes met again. "I don't think your foolish my love, in fact, your more then that." "Your still the most marvelous, sweet, beautiful women I feel in love with." "And it's those reasons why you should not feel foolish." Link lowered his face and cupped his hands around my face again, drawling me closer until our noses were just barely touching.

You hear that Jenna? You’re just so beautiful and awesome that you shouldn’t feel foolish for all of the ridiculous shit we’ve encountered, even though that kind of thinking has kind of brought us here in the first place.

"But if it would make you feel better sweet love, we should start heading home now." "I think our son needs to get out of this night air and into bed."  
       Inclining forward, I softly placed a light kiss against his lips. "You're right my love, I would favor that we get home and get our son to bed." "I'm also waiting in anxiety to get that sponge bath you promised me." I said seductively, my eyes twinkling with a certain desire. "As you wish." Link returned with a broad grin. "You're my Queen." He added teasingly, then turned his horse towards the entrance to the lake and booted the horse in the legs, taking off at a gallop.

Oh hell no! I thought we were done with this! If you dare to show me another tiger sex scene, I will have a sponge bath with my toaster!

With a gusty sigh and a soft smile, I gestured for our fairies to follow then booted my horse as well and followed Link's path.
       After we arrived home, we stabled the horses, I put our son to bed then joined Link the tub room. When I got there, he had the tub already filled with hot water and (29)laxiousflower.

There is a huge selection of flowers to chose from in the Zelda canon, like the Deku Flower, the Hibiscus, hell there’s even a flower called the Exotic Flower, why not make your own flower which sounds like some sort of weird laxative? What the hell even is a laxiousflower anyway?

(29) Laxiousflowers are small purple flowers with herbal powers. These small flowers are only found in the forest and are mainly dried then crushed into a power to use in healing potions or into a liquid for use in herbal tub bathes. When the vapors are breathed in, the medicine of the flower helps to relieve pain and relax tense sore muscles. It is also said that the scent of these flowers occasionally causes seductiveness’, causing one to become easily aroused. Sometimes the vapors from these flowers are used to help a couple relax during intercourse, thus helping the couple experience longer intense periods of lovemaking. aphrodisiac

So apparently, this flower that you’ve made up is an aphrodisiac. When you have to add in your own creations into a Zelda Story, whose canon has a lot of stuff to work around by the way, just so that Link can pound you again, we have a problem, a serious, serious problem.

Taking my hand in his, he removed my robe and gently lifted me into the tub. Then I felt his broad hands against my shoulders as he begun to firmly massage them. As his gentle hands worked my sore tired muscles, and the soothing vapors of the laxiousflower penetrated my nose, I began to feel relaxed, my body loosened up, and Link's soft and gentle words begun to run threw my mind. I felt my eyes slowly close as the good feeling of being pampered caused me to drift into a state of pure bliss.

And you’d know how good it feels to be pampered! It’s been happening throughout most of the entire story!

       I just sat there while Link massaged me then bathed my body, removing the dust and dirt I picked up while caring for our house.

I’m actually kind of surprised that Jenna actually wants to be a freaking housewife in her wish fulfilled lifestyle.

But as my pregnancy progressed, chores were getting harder and more tiring to do. So I decided that rather then take heat from Link from taking on overbearing responsibilities, I'd let him handle most of the housework like he did before during my first pregnancy, until after I gave birth. So I mentally decided that from that day forward until I had our second child, I would take it easy and relax.

Wow, look at that, Jenna actually did something smart again. But why am I so impressed? This should have been common knowledge after that first pregnancy!

       After Link finished bathing me, he helped me out of the tub and handed me my light blue halter gown. I took it gently from him and slid it down over my body. The dress was snug and semi tight fitting, so it left nothing to the imagination and was one of Link's favorite things to have me wear even though my belly stuck out.

And if you weren’t wearing anything under that gown, which you most likely weren’t, some other things would be sticking out too! Maybe that’s why Link likes that dress so much, it’s so arousing to him.

After his eyes looked me over with a lingering desire,

Fuck, what’s with Link? What is he even planning to do to her? Don’t answer that!

he decided to push aside the feelings for now and took me by the hand and led me down stairs. We gathered the fairies and decided that since night air was brisk and cool, we should enjoy the rest of the evening out on the porch swing. We went outside and sat down on the swing. I cuddled into Link's arms, as he pushed the swing and caused it to move in a gentle rocking motion. Then I felt Link's muscular arms slink around me, pulling me into his gentle embrace. I just rested my head against his chest and listened to the soft chirping sounds of the crickets for a few moments until Navi decided to stir up a conversation about the upcoming Fall Harvest.

“Excuse me Navi we’re just doing nothing while trying to make it look like something to awe over again, please don’t hover over us while we do that!”

We just sat there and talked in meaningless dribble about who was going to set up the decorations, or who just who might be the next lucky girl to win the dance contest,

Ugh. “Meaningless Dribble” is right, nothing of substance is happening here!

when I felt a sudden chill run up my spine and the feeling of being watched rushed over me again. Since our home was located inside a secluded spot in the Lost Woods, I knew that this time something was definitely wrong.

“My plot senses are tingling!”

       I looked up into Link's eyes and whispered softy to him. "Link my love, I cannot help but feel as if we are being watched again." "I know that this seems crazy, but this time I know that I'm not just worried, there really is something out the there watching us." I lowered my head and nestled closer to him, seeking the protection of his strong arms. "Whatever it is, it's causing me to shiver with a cold fear." I said in a shuddering voice. Link lowered his head down so that his lips were brushing my cheek, his warm breath tickled my skin. He took my hand in his and brushed his lips crossed my cheek. "Don't worry my love." "I built this house inside a secluded spot, it would be too hard for anyone to find us without knowing the way."

Yes, but you live in the Lost Woods! There’s monsters running rampant everywhere in this haunted forest, and you can turn into a monster if you do not get out on time! I hope these twos’ stays are long passed overdue, that way they can be turned into Stalfos and we don’t have to hear of them ever again!

Link took his hand and gently lifted my head up until our eyes locked.
       "Jenna my dear wife, I have never been the one to ever doubt you, I have always entrusted in your instincts."

A huge piss stain just formed in my pants from a sudden burst of laughter!

"Even though I find it hard to believe that…." Just then Navi cut in. "Shhhhh…..do you hear that." Navi said in a whisper, her blue aura flicking wildly. Gently Link lowered my head and cocked his long sensitive ear towards the sky, sitting in a dead silence while he quietly listened for any strange sounds. I too focused my hearing on the dead silence of the night, waiting for any strange noises.After a few minutes went by with nothing being heard except for the soft chirping of the crickets and the sound of each other breathing, Link lowered his head, then looked back at Navi. "Navi I hear nothing," "What is it you heard?" Link questioned slightly annoyed. "It sounded like an low eerie grunting noise and I also felt as if we were being watched." Navi said then silenced everyone again. "There it is again." She said as she cautiously floated over towards a small clump of bushes. A light blue trail of fairy dust trailed behind her as she moved closer to the bush, each move she made taking in heed. Then she paused for a moment just a few feet from the bush, as if she was examining it. We watched in dead silence as she just floated there, her aura flickering wildly.

Suddenly, they find out that Dr. Zoidberg was in that bush!

    Then suddenly her aura changed onto a bright red as she shakily started floating backwards. Link and I dropped off the swing and slowly made our war to the end of the porch. "Navi what's wrong?" Link called out to her worriedly. "Link…Jenna, I suggest that we all get the hell out of here!" Navi cried out as she turned around and started flying in a fast pace towards the house. Just then a loud shrill cry filled the air as a massive bat like creature shot out from behind the thicket and into the air. The beast's eerie red eyes were focusing down on us.

How pathetic! This is just the story equivalent of a jump scare. It’s something you can see miles away, yet we’re supposed to get some sort of bewilderment out of it. Rather than being suspenseful, the author was too lazy to build up that suspense correctly and instead decided to force that scary thing into our faces.

"OH MY GODDESSES…. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???!!!!" I cried as I backed into Link, thrusting my shuddering body against his. "Oh Goddesses, I don't know love, but everyone get into the house NOW!" Link shrieked as he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me towards the house. The sound of massive beating wings stirred the wind behind us as Link urgently pushed everyone inside the house, then bolted the door behind himself just before the beast managed to grab him. We watched in horror as the massive black bat like beast tried to rip and claw at the windows, its long white fangs caked with thick saliva as they glistened against the dim moonlight.

Yes, the Hero of Time, the one who fought off much scarier demons in past games, and the super awesome lady with a hundred different names, are both frightened by a bat monster! Who ever said the heroes of anything had to fight it?

       I just cried against Link's chest while he held me close to him. "What are we going to do?" I said in between chokes of tears, my body shuddering with a cold fear.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times! Just fight the damned thing and stop being useless!

Just before Link could answer, my head snapped towards the winding staircase. "Oh My Goddesses, Link….our son is all alone up there!" "We have to get him, we have to!" I screeched as I pulled myself out of Link's strong arms. Before he could stop me, I broke free and dashed into a dead run up the staircase towards the bedchambers.

And that all could have been avoided if, oh I don’t know, YOU’VE KILLED THE FUCKING THING!!!

When I reached the top, I dashed into the bedchamber on my left, knocking the door aside as I flung past. Gasping and out of breath, I hobbled quickly over to the crib where our son was lying and reached my arms over the side to grab him when a loud death shrill echoed threw the room, rattling the windows relentlessly.
       Quickly I grabbed our son, hugged him close to my body and turned to run out when suddenly a large dark figure with massive weight crashed threw the window and landed on its hind legs, its massive leathery black wings beating with fury.

Hey Hey Hey!!!! It’s Bat Albert!

Then the beast curled back its twisted lips, revealing long sharp white fangs dripping with thick salvia while its chilling deep blood red eyes looked me over with such evil that it sent cold shivers up my spine. I hugged our crying son closer to my body as I slowly begun to back up, the beasts' hollow-less red eyes watching my every move with bloodlust intentions flickering inside them. Slowly the massive bat like creature started matching my every move; its vicious snarls and grunts caused every muscle in my body to tremble in fear.

       It was at that point I knew the evil creature was trying to trap me inside the room, the intentions clear upon its twisted face, but I knew if my son, my unborn child and I was going to survive, I had to escape at all costs.

And here I thought looking all scared and vulnerable to this thing, like you’re doing right now, would be the solution.

I slowly continued to back up, watching the creature as it mimicked me, its fangs glistening against the dim light in the room as the saliva begun to drip faster and thicker from them, causing puddles of thick oozy slime to form on the floor, but I waited for the right moment, the right moment to make my escape. Then a strange noise begun to rumble inside the beast's body as its mouth begun to open wider causing a dank smell of dead flesh and rotting food to emit from it. With that the beast bucked its head back and let out an ear-piercing shrill cry that caused me to clench at my ears in pain, causing my eardrums to feel like they were going to explode inside my head.

The minutes the beast spent locked in that death cry seemed to tick to an eternity,

Wait, minutes? So that thing was just standing there screaming? You mean you’ve wasted a few good minutes to escape this thing? Well, given these characters all have the IQ of a radish, should I be surprised?

when suddenly all went silent and the next thing I knew the beast had gone air born and begun to dip into a death dive towards me. With a shriek and eyes wide with fear, I decided to make my escape. Swiftly I dashed towards the door, thrusting it aside as I darted past.

It’s gone airborne, inside a fucking house! How big is this fucking house anyway and how did Link manage to build it in the Lost Woods? And while we’re on that matter, why did he even decide to build the house in the Lost Woods of all places when it’s home to creatures like this abomination?

       I clenched my son tight against my shaking body as I went into a mad dash down the winding staircase; the sound of massive beating wings rang loudly behind me.

So although this thing is big enough to be considered threatening, it’s somehow small enough to fit through the halls with ease.

Reaching the bottom, I grabbed a hold of Link and begun to pull him with me. "Oh My Goddesses Link, we have got to get the hell out of here, that flying beast attacked me upstairs and is now coming this way!" I said fervently in-between gasps of breath my hands trembling vigorously. His blue eyes suddenly changed into a deep shade of gray, causing them to widen with a paralyzing fear. "Oh My…..Lilly, Navi, Aria we must leave NOW!" Link cried as he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into a dead run along with him. Using his shoulder Link bashed threw the front door causing the wood to shatter into splinters just as the loud crashing sound of the metal staircase buckling and twisting under massive weight rang loudly behind us. Just before Link and I rounded the corner, I saw the massive black bat creature landing heavily in our now mangled living room, its mouth gapped wide as its death cry begun to fill the night with a cold fear.

So now this thing is dying somehow? Aw man, and he was becoming the most likable character in the story!

      Link and I made our way threw the darkness and into the stables where our horses were dancing around in fear, their eyes rolling back as their frightened whinnies filled the surrounding area. We proceeded to free the horses, allowing all but two to run out the barn and into the deep thicket of the forest.

Oh, I’m sure those horses will fare well in this monster-infested forest too.

Three Days later:

Quickly Link saddled Midnight Star and Epona, then threw our saddlebags across them. "Jenna quickly, saddle our son then mount, we must leave quickly!" Link said with urgency as he rallied our fairies then mounted his stallion. "We must hurry and ride to the castle to take sanctuary!"

Ok, if these two buffoons can’t even conquer this monster, what makes them think the folks at Hyrule Castle could do the same?

With hast, I quickly secured our crying son into his small saddle then mounted Epona. With one last glance at each other, Link and I booted our horses in the legs,

Horse 1: “You know what, screw this!” *Kicks Jenna off*

Horse 2: “I’m right behind you!” *Kicks Link off*

And then the two horses escaped into the night and Link and Jenna became bat food, the end!

causing them to whiney and take off out of the barn and into the cold night at a dead run. We raced around the winding trails, made our way out the tunnel that led to the Lost Woods and out onto the peaceful rolling hills of Hyrule Field.

I’m going to skip the chase scene since it’s very boring! Instead, let’s play a game! In this video below, let’s pretend that Shaggy and Scooby are Link and Jenna respectively riding on their horses and the werewolf thing is that bat monster that’s chasing them, the rest is up to your imagination:

      "Link…we must hurry….the beast is in pursuit!" I shrieked over the cascading noises racing threw the night, my hands twitching nervously on the reins. "Don't worry love we're almost there, just hang on a little longer!" Link called back, his voice being warped over the loud howling noises. "We won't make it if that damned beast catches up with us!" I returned angrily as I looked back to see a large black shape with death red eyes thrusting its massive wings against the wind as it begin to dip into a death dive. "OH MY GODDESSES……LINK ITS CLOSING IN ON US……I screeched…..LINK….OH BY FARORE….WE MUST HURRY!"

Didn’t she say that she didn’t believe in the triforce at the very beginning of the story, and now she’s takes the name of Farore, one of the goddesses who created the triforce in vain? When did she suddenly go through some religious awakening?

Suddenly the wooden bridge came into view as it lay across the small mote surrounding the shimmering walls that surrounded the Market. "Quickly Jenna…we must cross the bridge before it closes for the night!" Link cried out over the howling wind. Booting Epona in the legs, she bolted forward, as she raced across the wooden bridge causing a loud shuddering sound of hooves clicking wildly on it.

What are the chances of that happening, let alone every time they’re being chased by a scary hooligan?

       Swiftly Link and I raced threw the Market and up the winding dirt path that led to Hyrule Castle as the loud shrieking cries of the beast rained loudly in the distance. We raced past the first gate, which amazingly, was left open and up to the second gates, where two guards were resting lazily on their spears.

Author, Zelda knows a lot better than to hire guards who are heavy sleepers, let alone guards that sleep on the job, especially when there’s a scary bat demon heading right for the castle grounds! Why haven’t these guys been fired - out of a cannon - yet?

Quickly Link and I pulled our horses to a skidding halt and dismounted, waking the guards suddenly causing them to jump shakily. Then the guards looked at us skeptically. "What business do you have here Link at this time of night?" One of the guards asked questioningly. "This is not the time to ask questions, hurry we must see Princess Zelda NOW….its of great urgency!" Link snapped as the shrill cry of the bat creature shattered the silence of the night, its twisted black image came into view as it flew in front of the full moon, causing the guards to jump in fear. "Oh By the GODDESSES….what the hell is that?!" One of the guards cried out as he pointed skyward. "That's what we came here about….now we must hurry and take sanctuary inside….open those damned gates NOW! I snapped as I grabbed one of the guard's spears and thrust it at him.

Jenna’s about to take a life all because they won’t open the damned gates for her? What kind of spoiled rotten princess special snowflake hero are you?

Without any questions, the guards hastily opened the gates, allowing us to pass. I unfastened our son from his small saddle, then hastily followed Link and the guards into the sanctuary of the castle.

And that’s the last we get to see of the evil bat monster! That’s right, after Link and Jenna go into the castle, the thing gets very bored and decides to fly off! Either it never occurs to it that it can just fly over the castle walls, or it just learned that it was very little use trying to catch a sue!

       Upon entering the castle, Link grabbed one of the serving girls that was passing by and told her to go and wake Princess Zelda. A skeptical look crossed her face, but without haste, she walked quickly in the direction towards Zelda's bedchambers. We were then directed to the throne room. A few minutes later, Zelda joined us along with her father in the throne room, tired and annoyed looks upon their faces.

Only Zelda was needed! Why the fuck is the King with her? Did they need his amazing advice too?

Zelda swiftly approached us, her blue eyes glowing with irritation. "Link, Jenna, what is of such great importance for you both to come to the castle at this hour of the night?" Zelda questioned as she crossed her arms across her chest. "Princess, my dear friend, Link and I came her with terrible news, the news of a terrible creature that has entered Hyrule." I said shakily as I walked closer to Zelda, my brown eyes locking with hers.

How do you know that thing’s not indigenous to Hyrule? You’ve probably haven’t been here long enough to know what kinds of creatures live here.

"What…creature….speak up my friend, what has happened." Zelda returned, her ivory white hand resting upon my shoulder. "Princess what my wife is trying to say is that a terrible evil creature has attacked us in our home, causing us to flee from our house to take sanctuary here." Link added as Zelda's blue eyes begun to fill with a mixture of shock and fear.

We couldn’t fight this creature because the author doesn’t understand how to use either of our capabilities in her story!

       "I cannot quite explain it myself, but I can say that the creature was of some gigantic black like bat creature with evil red eyes and vicious fangs." "And from the way it attacked me, I say it's soul propose was to attack and kill me, but for what reason I still don't understand." I said shakily as I went into Link's arms in search of comfort.

Does the question as to why some demon wants to attack you matter when you’re the “Hero of Time”? For heavens sake, most of the creatures you’ve encountered also wanted to attack you, and you’ve never questioned that!

I just watched as Zelda and her father's eyes widened, the fear apparent in their eyes. Just then our son started to cry loudly, his little pointed ears twitched uncontrollably as he squirmed in my cold arms. I took the blanket I had stuffed in the small leather bag I had carried in and wrapped him in it. "Shhhh my son, quiet down little one." I cooed softly as I gently shook him in my arms. Then Aria flew down and floated softly around his head, the light blue glittery dust caused him to stop crying momentarily as he raised his hands up to grasp it. At that point I took the momentarily interruption of his crying to move off to one corner of the room.

Can you please bring the scary bat monster back? At least something actually happened when he was trying to hunt down those weasels!

       "I think he needs to be fed, he's hungry, cold and tired." I said as I walked over to one of the velvety chairs in the corner, sat down and proceeded to feed him. I just sat there feeding little Link, while Link had a fevered discussion with Zelda and the king about the new threat of the dangerous dark bat creature roaming Hyrule. As I listened to Link describe the creature to Zelda, haunting memories of the degusting creature filled into my mind. The thought of those evil red eyes and dank breath sent paralyzing shivers up my spine, causing my body to shake with a cold fear. I looked down at our son suckling on my nipple and started to cry silently. Small crystal white tears begun to slowly stream down my face as the dread thoughts of what that evil creature might have done to our son should it have gotten a hold of him. And a mixture of fears raced threw my mind on what reasons the creature would've wanted with our son or me caused the feelings of trepidation to rage threw my body, threw my every vein. Then my head snapped and the cold fear raged up my spine again as the realization that I was still pregnant caused the color to drain from my eyes.

Oh boy, maybe some poorly thought out conjecture made by Jenna the Genius is going to pop up somehow!

I begun to shudder at the thought that if the creature had gotten a hold of me, our unborn son……
       I clutched my son tighter as I slowly lowered my right hand to my belly, my fingers gently probing the wrinkles in the fabric of my gown. "Oh my Goddesses, was that creature really after me or was he really after our unborn child." I thought to myself as the thoughts of the creature caused my body to feel like going numb.

I have to admit, as likable as the bat creature is, it’s probably had a couple blows to the head! It now prefers to give more attention to potential sue children rather than the person who’s supposedly designated to save Hyrule from the evils of Mr. Evil!

"What in all of Hyrule would it have wanted with our children," then suddenly my body felt colder, the shock of what came to mind caused me to feel paralyzed, "Oh Goddesses……NO…. that cannot be what it wants them for…or is it?"

I don’t know! How am I supposed to know whether or not it wants your sue child for something or not? You very clearly make up shit as you go along writing this story, for all we know this is all just a pigment of your imagination!

       Suddenly I heard a gentle voice probe my mind. "Are you ok love?" The voice called. I looked up and saw that Link was staring at me, his dark blue eyes filled with worry. "Link my love, I think we need to talk…alone." I returned weakly back to him in his mind. Link looked at me with a slight growing fear in his eyes, the color slowly draining from them causing them to turn a shade of gray.

I’d complain about the repetition, and how much the author has some sort of weird fetish for these specific phrases, especially at this point of the story, but who the fuck cares? We’re almost done with this story!

"What is wrong love, what has you all worked up?" Link asked me again telepathically. 

Oh I don’t know Link, you guys did come face to face with a 9 ft. tall bat thing that wanted to kill you two, there’s no discernible hints there!

My eyes faltered. "Link….I just need to talk to you…alone." I returned. "Ok Jenna my love, its ok…we'll talk alone." Breaking the connection, Link was able to temporarily pull himself away from Zelda and her father to speak with me alone. He came over and sat down on the velvety chair beside me, taking his strong warm arms and embracing my shaking body gently in them. I gently moved our son to the other breast so he could finish feeding, the looked up at Link, my eyes locking with his.

Uh, hello! Princess Zelda and the King are right there! Now’s not the time to show off both your tits!

       I just sat there a moment at looked at him, unable to speak, then Link's eyes penetrated deep into mine as he finally broke the silence. "Jenna what's wrong, you do not look well." Link said with concern, his hands stroking my shoulders. "Link…its just…that creature, I believe I know why it attacked me, and its those very reasons that scares the shit out of me." I said shakily as small tears begun to well up in my eyes. "What…what reasons, Jenna tell me what's troubling you." Link pleaded as his grip on my shoulders tightened. Then my eyes lowered. "Link…I believe I know what the creature was after….I feel that it was after our children…our son and our unborn child." I returned nearly on the verge of tears.

“I don’t have any evidence for that, because this thing could probably make a meal out of anything that moves, but I’ll just stick with that because it make everything feel angsty!”

Suddenly Link's face went a shade of white, the color completely draining from his eyes. "What……are you serious Jenna…are you sure?" My eyes locked with his again. "Link, why do you think it came after me when I went to get our son?"

Because it’s a bloodthirsty demon like you’ve said not too long ago!

"When we first ran into the house, it was shrieking and clawing at the windows downstairs, but don't you find it a bit odd that it suddenly flew up and threw the window upstairs right after I ran up there?"

Hmm, maybe evil bat monsters like to eat the extra sugary ones first!

       Suddenly Link's eyes lowered towards our son. "By the Goddesses you don't suppose…?" "No he cannot be what it was after!" Link spurted suddenly, shaky and raspy. I took my free hand and rested it gently on Link's "Love, yes I believe that it was our son and unborn child the creature was after." I fear that Ariakas is behind that attack, he sent that evil creature to carry out his revenge against us for helping Dalamar and for I killing those two Draconians."

So his evil “revenge” was to kill the unborn spawn and the child that he shouldn’t be aware of? In what universe would that make sense? And he has an army of knights who fly on Dragons for Christ sake! This is what he decides to finish them off with? If this thing is so frightening, then why not send a load of them? So many questions that demand an answer!
       Just then little Link stopped suckling, looked up at his father, giggled and smiled. His little blue eyes seemed to sparkle as he locked eyes with Link's. I watched as Link smiled, took him from my arms and cradled him in his own. With a teary smile, I inched over closer to Link and rested my head on his shoulder. Our son just giggled happily as his father teased and tickled him, causing tears to fall in steady streams down my face as I watched them. Then I felt something move in my stomach. Lowering my hand, I placed in upon my belly and felt the sudden thrusts from within. Our unborn child was kicking, and suddenly my head snapped. It was at that point I came back to the realization that it was that tiny life and the life of our son that was in danger.  My face suddenly faltered as I looked back up at Link and directly into his eyes.

Good gravy! You were just talking about how much that thing wanted your children, and now you’ve JUST remembered your poorly constructed conclusion? Good god, you do have the brain of a fucking goldfish!

"Link, I'm afraid." "I'm afraid that Ariakas will continue his attacks on our children until he kills them….." I stammered as I started to cry uncontrollably. "I fear that Ariakas will stop at nothing until he extracts out his revenge on us."

I don’t understand why he’d even want revenge! Sure, you’ve killed two of his men, but he’s probably not aware of that either! In fact, how does he even know you’re even on this stupid quest when he barely even knows of your presence, especially since you just happened to show up at the right time?

       I felt Link's warn palm on my cheek as he kissed me gingerly. Then he handed our son back to me as he gently embraced me again. Slowly he rocked me in his arms while I cried,

Again, dare I say it, but if you care so much about Link thinks about this story, how about you stop making him an ambiguously gay manchild, like you’ve been doing throughout this godforsaken story!

all the fears inside caused my stomach to clench up. "Shhhh Jenna its alright, I swear by my own life that I will not let anything befall you or our children."

Uh, no you don’t! You should have come up those stairs when Jenna was clearly in danger, that way you could reduce the risks of having that monstrosity see if he can fit a 2 year old in his mouth!

Then Link put his hand underneath my chin and lifted my head up until our eyes met. "But I agree with you darling, I fear as well that Ariakas will stop at nothing to carry our his revenge against us." "So I believe that it is time for us to locate this Shadow Realm and take out Ariakas from within." tly white. "You cannot be serious!" I screeched. "You cannot actually believe that we can enter that cursed place and hope to come out ALIVE!"

You mean to tell me we’re going to be *gasp* productive?

I reached over and clasped both hands on Link's shoulders. "If we go there Ariakas will kill us for sure, and besides we don't know what kind of evil creatures live in that place!"

No, I don’t get it either! Apparently, both of these pansies are the chosen ones, but yet they’re scared to kill this overlord who’s causing mass destruction to Hyrule! Hyrule is definitely screwed now!

"We will be walking right into his hands!" I cried as I shook Link profusely.
       Link looked up at me and smiled. "That's why love," His eyes seemed to glow with some kind of certainty. "He will not know we're there."

Well guess what Link, you can’t see Arikas anyway, because the story’s over! IN YOUR FACE!!!!

And that was My Inner Life! To answer your first question, yes, the story doesn’t really have an ending, it just sort of stops! Kind of cheap, but only the lord knows what LQ had in mind for the rest of the story that never came to be, the suethor, not so much since she now totally regrets even imagining any of this and letting us all know about it, it’s probably best she’s not even reminded of this heinous story. But for shits and giggles, let’s pretend that this story did continue from this point! Chances are that at some point the sue is going to birth her second sue spawn while she’s questing to kill Mr. Evilman, and then their going to have hot sweaty tiger sex again in the middle of an important battle, afterwards 9 months are going to pass somehow and she’s possibly going to birth the twins she’s been talking about in the authors notes! Already that’s a pretty heavy workload seeing how hard it is to raise one child, and she shows her incompetence throughout. After that scene which is totally necessary to think about, they’ll probably come across some more evil monsters which they run away from for no reason, they meet the Lord face to face, and Jenna kills him, freeing Hyrule once and for all, and turning Hyrule into a land of rainbows, sunshine, cute wittle bunny wabbits, and marshmallows, and then she’ll have tiger sex with Link one last time! To be perfectly honest, the fact that it actually just ends here when they’re worried about the evil dictator they’re about to kill just proves that she just wrote this stuff making up stuff as she went along, and didn’t even think about actually structuring the events into a comprehendible story! Overall, no matter how you slice it, My Inner Life is a rubbish story! It’s been a long journey mocking this story, and it’s one I’ll definitely not one I’ll go on again! Sweet dreams guys!

This post has been edited by VGtree054: Mar 16 2017, 06:46 PM

My content can be found here.

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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 23rd August 2017 - 01:21 PM