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> A Step Onto Chronos, Now With a Bonus Sequel!
Post #21

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post Jun 2 2015, 06:51 PM
A Step Onto Chronos Chapter Twenty-Two

Memories of the World

Shadic the Hedgehog

As we settled into camp, Lucca and I starting a fire from some fallen branches.

Lucca must not have wanted to talk to him.

Robo began his speech on the Gates. "Now that I've had four hundred years to think on things, I have realized that perhaps Lavos was not the origin of the Time Gates."

And out of spite, Joe decided that he was, and thus it became canon. The end.

I raised my hand, "Um Robo, I think I may have missed something. When did this theory of the Gates being Lavos-borne come into being?"

Crono answered, "After we defeated Azala at Tyrano Palace, Lavos fell from the sky and crushed it. In the crater where it fell, we found a Gate, and after going through, we returned to the End of Time, as we had an extra member, and told everyone the idea. It seemed reasonable considering the botched summoning spell created a Gate in Magus' Castle."

I'm impressed. The OG CT team made all of the observations they did in the game. It's almost as if they were at one point thinking beings and that Joe is more or less an unnecessary addition to this group.
Of course I say that, but then Team Short Bus always rears it's ugly head.

"Ah, thanks. Please continue, Robo."

"Well, my new theory on the origin of the Gates is that someone, or perhaps something wanted us, or at least someone, to see all this. The different events over time, that we have witnessed. It is almost as if some Entity wanted to relive its past."

"Ayla understand!" Ayla cheered, pumping her fist into the air, "When people die, elders say see whole life pass by eyes!"

Good job, Ayla! I think someone just earned herself a banana sticker and an extra five minutes on the teeter-totter.

"It does seem to hold that us mortals tend to relive their most profound memories before death claims them. But it seems those memories are usually sad ones..." Glenn agreed.

"Probably because thinking things like, 'If only I had done this,' or, 'I shouldn't have done that...' triggers unpleasant, old memories. That is the most likely cause of such times," Robo commented.

"Do you think that will happen when our time comes?" asked Marle.

"Hopefully by then we'll have so many happy memories we'll forget all about the bad times," I replied. "But either way I don't know."

"Is there a bad time you'd want to change, Joe?"

”Yeah, disembodied voice, I would have stopped myself from ever watching an anime called Boku.”

"You have to ask?" I murmured, looking at Lucca.

”I would've set things right and made sure Crono got his.”

"But we already fixed it, so I don't have any major regrets otherwise."

"Not even if you could prevent yourself from coming here?" Crono interjected.

”Well that would defeat the entire point of this story, dumbass.”

"Why would I want to do that? Despite all the near-death experiences I've been in the past few months, give or take all of eternity, I've had some fun and discovered I'm the re-incarnation of a God. Beats out lazing around home and going to school any day."

Escapism is cool and all. Probably psychologically necessary even. But this just seems extreme.
Am I playing FF Tactics Advanced?

Marle, Crono, and Lucca chuckled, while most of the others in the party wondered what school was.

Ayla, Frog and Robo lived when there was no school, but Magus was just too cool for it.

Glenn decided to return us to the original topic of the discussion, "It seems to me that whoever or whatever this Entity is, Lavos plays an integral part in it's life. After all, we've found evidence of Lavos in nearly every time period we could get to, especially now that the Black Omen floats above the world."

Not to be a buzzkill, but the whole “evidence of Lavos” thing seems pretty straightforward when you consider that he's a parasite that's been eating the planet for over 65 million years.

That comment made us all glance up in the direction we just knew the Black Omen to be in, despite being unable to see it through the thick trees. Magus returned us once again to the thoughts of the Entity.

"So, just who could this Entity be? That it can manipulate space and time into Gates, and call together a group with a such a wide range of skills such as us? We have here, two swordsmen, a Robot, a cave-woman, representatives of every form of magic, and, though he may not have been in the group in the first telling of it's story, the God of Fire. I doubt this is mere coincidence."

If only there was someone there who had “seen” or “played” something after this story that reveals the answer to this quandary.
I wonder if Joe knows anyone like that? I bet he does, he's so smart.

"It is unknown just whose memories we are reliving, or how such a group could be called together through circumstance. It could very well be beyond our understanding, and our journey may fully come to an end when we discover this Entity's true form."

That comment sounded intelligent, so I'm assuming it came from either Robo or Frog-from-about-ten-chapters-ago.

"I think it's the planet."

Everyone looked at Lucca, who had made the comment. "I mean, how else could we have gotten to sixty-five million BC before Lavos' fall with enough time to get to know Ayla and the Ioka Villagers. Then there's the fact that Robo's time is the farthest we can travel into the future, barring the End of Time, of course, and it's when the planet is dying and Lavos' spawn are trying to leave the world and do the same thing to others."

We all looked thoughtful at that before yet another person spoke up, only this time, none of us recognized the speaker. "I have another theory. Ever hear of the Progress?"

Not this shit again.

We reached for our weapons and looked for the speaker, who stepped forward to reveal himself. not long after. I couldn't quite make out his face, but his clothes were very familiar looking. Or at least, they looked like they were described in the books. The figure wore a well-cut tunic and leggings of black, with a silvery belt around his waist, a broadsword hanging off it, and a reversible silver-and-black cape down his back, clasped with a silver rose.

It's Sephiroth! He's finally here to high five Joe and tell him that his plan is cool!

"Corwin of Amber!" I exclaimed. Then my ears caught calls from Magus, Ayla, and Robo.

"Master Corwin! I thought you had gone down with Zeal!"

"Elder Corwin! How be you here?"

"Sir Corwin, how is this possible?"

Mein Fuhrer Corwin! Wie geht's dir?!

"All of you are right, but wrong as well," he replied. "I prefer to go by Corwin of Guardia these days, as I am the imprint he made upon the Progress as he made it, and the Progress itself rests beneath the Castle of Guardia. I have watched the rise and fall of civilizations, and even helped out where I could."

And yet you never showed up in any part of the original game. How convenient.

"Elder Corwin give very good advice to Ayla when Ayla young, help Ayla become strong leader," Ayla nodded. "So that mean Elder Corwin ghost now?"

"I suppose I am. After all, my son called me a 'Pattern Ghost' before I told him it was called the Progress, as he had encountered imprints of other people made by the Logrus and the True Pattern before he met me."

"If you've been a ghost this whole time, Master, then explain why you're only explaining yourself now," Magus growled.

Speaking of, Magus and Frog (and I guess Robo, but who cares) went on that magical trip to find out about Corwin of Amber and Joe's OC group. How did they never make the connection here?

"In time, my old student. But for now, I wish to tell you that the Entity you all were just discussing was the Progress. As the reason Guardia is an actual place, it has the ability to warp space and time, and through the prophecy of a girl not yet born, it learned about Lavos and how to keep it from destroying the world, which would include the Progress itself, had Lavos' Hell spawn been able to leave the atmosphere."

So back in chapter whatever, Bardic put in an author's note saying that he had “crazy ideas” for Chrono Cross and that if he owned it, it would have been better. Who knew that his crazy idea to improve it was to have the Entity actually be a symbolic creation thing from a completely unrelated fantasy series? Now we have another character as inexplicably influential to the story as Joe is, but least I can take solace in the fact that he's the OC of someone far more creative than Bardick.

"So that is part of the reason you instructed me to seal myself in that room of Proto Dome in 1999," Robo commented.

"Partially, I suppose that's true. The other part, though, is that you just told me I would, so now I'm going to."

"Ayla's head starting to hurt."

Aww, that's ok sweetheart. Why don't you go take a night-night for now?

Everyone else shared a light chuckle at the cave woman, before the topic became serious again.

"When everyone next goes back to Ayla's time, leave a note with the Nu in Laruba Village that says, 'sixty-four million, nine-hundred eighty-seven thousand, nine hundred and ninety years from now, the Silver Rose teaches the magic-less prince of magic how to read the winds. You'll know what to do. PS, don't forget the Gurus.' Because of this note, I will have taught Prince Janus of Zeal how to pay enough attention to his surroundings and the magical threads of wind throughout the world that he will be the greatest spell caster of all time, and become a prophet when it is necessary."

"Why the Nu in Laruba Village?" asked Lucca.

"Because his name is Spekkio, and somehow he will, after reading that note, find the Progress and walk it. That will get the message to me, and through me, he will eventually ascend to become the God of War in the End of Time."

There was a stunned silence until Corwin turned to look at the moon. "I'm running out of energy, so I can't stay and chat much longer. I've delivered what message I could, but I'll probably see you guys later." He started to fade as he turned around. "Oh, and the King's trial is in two days, so be sure you get there in time..." his voice echoed the word "time" throughout the grove.

Marle looked about to ask another question when she suddenly up and conked out, asleep in an instant.

Marle is now a narcoleptic, on top of being an idiot who sometimes interrupts Joe. Character development?

Crono put her in her sleeping bag and we all got ready to sleep (or go into stand-by mode in Robo's case).

Everything is canon so nothing is canon. Fuck all of the stuff Masato Kato and Roger Zelazny created, we're gonna get the story told to us by Joseph the Bardickheaded Hedgehog.


Later that night, I woke up to see Lucca walk by me. "Answering a call of nature?" I joked quietly.

She "eeped" and spun to look at me before getting closer and whispering back.

Lucca had no idea that Joe knew about her exchanging lurid text messages with Nature.

"Not funny, but no, I'm not. I've got this weird feeling I should go over there." She pointed in the direction she was originally headed and from my angle on the ground I could see the sparkle of the closed Red Gate.

"Maybe I should go with you, after all, only Robo knows what lies in this forest."

”And you know how I feel about him.”

"All right." I slipped out my own sleeping bag and shouldered my trench coat, not bothering to put my arms through the sleeves. We approached the area Lucca had pointed out and she stopped short of the closed Gate. "Why is there a Gate here?"

"Well... First I want to ask you a question when we had our earlier conversation. When Marle asked me if there was anything I would have wanted to change, did you ask yourself the same thing?"

"...Yes. Does that mean...?"

Joe and Lucca stood in silence for almost 15 seconds while Joe awkwardly waited for Lucca to finish her statement.

"This Gate is a special one. The only Red Gate I've heard of. Where normal gates take us to a specific time period in approximately the same spot, the Red Gate takes us somewhere else with only a minor deviation in time. This Gate, if I remember correctly goes back ten years, to when your Mom got caught in that machine."

The Red Gate thing is in Chrono Trigger, and no, it's not explained. It's a cool event, but ultimately just a deux ex machina. Or I guess in this case, it'd be a “Lucca's mom ex machina.”

Lucca covered her mouth with one hand then looked back at me. "I have to go and fix it. I want Mom to be able to talk long walks with Dad, and go somewhere without needing help. I didn't know the password then, but now that you're here we can change things. But... what if things change too much and somehow our journey becomes different? What if-"

"Shh, don't keep asking 'what if,' that just leads to trouble," I put my hand on her shoulder comfortingly.

And for the first time in a while, Joe's smug courage gained from knowing how everything plays out reappears. Thought we got past that.

"Anyway, ten years isn't nearly enough time to cause effects THAT major to the time-stream. It didn't in the game, and so far, things have been going about the same as they have there. Do you want me along, or would you rather do this one alone?"

"I think... I think I should be okay on my own. But first, what's the password?"


"Lara, your Mom's name. In the kitchen is a sheet of paper that should confirm that, written by your Dad. You can stay as long as you need to there. Since the Red Gate brings you back with only a little time having passed on this end."

"Okay, thanks." She pulled out the Gate Key, but just before activating it, gave me a quick hug and kissed me on the cheek. She giggled slightly as I blushed, raising my hand to the spot, then turned and opened the Gate. The red light was brief, but just after the Gate closed, Robo stepped around a nearby tree.

"Robo? You're awake? Or, well, operating? Erm, what word would be best?" Robo gave a light chuckle, which prompted me to raise my eyebrows in amazement, before answering.

"Awake would be preferable, thank you. And, yes, I am," he gave another mechanical chuckle. "My sensors picked up your signatures and so I decided to investigate. I have learned over the years how to reserve my energy more efficiently, allowing me to work at normal parameters with minimal output. On top of that, I have done some minor reprogramming to give myself some emotional ability."

Dude, I like that you're actually participating now, but I didn't ask for your life story.

"So with all the time you had, do you know what the Ultimate Answer to life, the universe, and everything is?"

"Forty-two." We shared a quick laugh.

And just like that, simply because Robo made a reference to a sci-fi story Joe likes, months of animosity and vitriol have come crumbling down.

Brings a tear to your eye.

"So did you hear when Lucca was going?"


He nodded. "I already knew, somehow, about this Gate. I do not know what the outcome will be, but I do know that things will somehow work out."

As I was about to reply, the Gate re-opened, then closed permanently after Lucca stepped out. So I immediately turned my attention to Lucca and said, "So... how'd it go?"

She smiled at me with teary eyes. I knew that things had turned out for the best. "Everything was right. The password, the paper, all of it. Thing is, I remember things the way they were, and how they are now at the same time."

"That can happen, I suppose, when one changes time in small amounts," theorized Robo.

Which is why it's never happened when people changed the time stream before, right?

Lucca glanced over at him in surprise. "Robo...?"

Robo's eyes lit up a little and he opened his torso. "Here, this is for you. It is a piece of amber I created using the sap from a tree in my forest. It took 400 years and a lot of pressure to make! Keep it as a memento of this occasion."

”And if you give it to a professor on Cinnabar Island (a/n: which is all part of the Chrono Trigger worldmap as of chapter 21 in case you didn't know!) it'll turn into an Aerodactyl.”

"Thanks Robo, you're a good friend."

"I am happy that you think so."

We all returned to camp together, and in the morning, we set out for Guardia Castle.

Either it possesses a certain element of irrationality itself, like living things, or it is an intelligence of such an order that some of its processes only seem irrational to lesser beings. Either explanation amounts to the same from a practical standpoint.

-Merlin, Prince of Chaos, The (Second) Chronicles of Amber

”My thoughts aren't irrational guys! I'm just a greatly superior being so everything I do just looks weird, or offensive, or criminal!


A/N: Wow, I sure updated fast this time, eh? and on my twentieth birthday to boot. The part in this chapter with Corwin just showed up, I didn't plan on it. Much like pretty much all of Chapter Eighteen. I hope you like this, and the next chapter is about King Guardia's trial and the fight against Yakra XIII! See ya then!

The build up for the trial has been so phenomenal that I doubt the actual event will disappoint.

So I recently replayed the “forest scene” from Chrono Trigger, and considering it's one of the most iconic parts of the game, I was actually somewhat looking forward to this chapter. It gave Bardick an opportunity to write at a different pace than normal, seeing as how his exposition is bare-boned, with the exception of battles, which are overly “epic” just to show off how cool his self-insert is supposed to be. The Death Peak chapter was obviously the nadir in this respect; incredibly simplistic “point A to point B” writing with no tension or excitement. His dialog on the other hand, is either ripped from the game, used to expound upon his original character gods, or is otherwise cheesy as hell. None of the character's have had a believable conversation that didn't take the shape of Bardic explaining the plot he was too lazy to actually flesh out in the story. So I was looking forward to this chapter, because finally, this scene gave him the chance to show that he could write decent dialog and exposition without plagiarizing, being cheesy or trying to be epic. Given how harshly I have criticized his writing for not showing any knowledge of the source material outside of a walkthrough, he had the chance to prove anything I've said of him wrong.

And he took this chance and 1) stole dialog from the source material, 2) shoe horned in his Progress/Pattern cosmology shit, and 3) subbed in some shounen anime-esque text for when he talked to Lucca about the Red Gate. And to top it all off, he once again showed utter disregard for the game he loves soooo much that he's writing a fanfic of, by throwing in a half-assed explanation of this other, totally unrelated fantasy character being the arbiter of everything in this story. The only solace I can take is that he matured enough in the five years he spent writing this fic to not have Joe up and say “I played the sequel to this game and it turns out that ___________ is the entity” to ruin any sort of fun. So good for him on that, but otherwise he failed.

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Jul 26 2015, 06:12 PM

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Post #22

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Group: Members
Posts: 1,328
Joined: 14-April 12
From: Charleston South Carolina
Member No.: 631
Gender: Male

post Jun 9 2015, 07:09 PM
In honor of the Summer of AFTER, I decided to celebrate by contributing something meaningful to this community put on the ultimate comedic broadway return to mocking this overexposed trash called A Step Onto Chronos. Afterward, I will further consecrate this occasion by hosting a smashing party for all those involved having dinner with friends going to a strip bar all alone.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter Twenty-Three

The Case of the Missing Rainbow

By: Shadic the Hedgehog

In the Guardian Criminal Justice System, the people are represented by two separate but equally important groups: the police who investigate crime, and the OC that throws out any and all evidence to push his own, stupidly crafted narrative. This is his story.

All eight of us were prepared for battle, in case the guards in Guardia Castle didn't want to let us in to see the King's trial. Especially since Crono, as well as possibly Lucca and myself, were wanted in Guardia. It didn't take us as long to get there as it would have normally, as we had a few methods of flying available to us, so instead of it taking three days to get to the Guardia, it only took us one. As we entered the castle, we heard a shout.

Joe and Friends had the unfortunate timing to enter right as the Guardian Pentacostal Church began their service.

"Princess Nadia!" Not long after, the fake Chancellor walked in, seemingly uncaring about the fact that Crono was standing in the middle of the party, and was wanted for treason. "You had me worried, Princess! I understand your feelings, of course. The King places his realm above all else.
It was the same even when your mother, Queen Aliza, passed away."

"W-what?" gasped Marle. Yakra XIII turned away, likely to hide his evil smirk at a successful manipulation.

I thought the trial was already happening. Isn't it too late for this chicanery?

"Oh, child... Forget I said anything." Marle started for him, to confront him directly about his words, but Crono put his hand on her shoulder, before whispering the word "trap" in her ear.

Alright Crono, now you've gone too far. I could deal with all of the racial epithets lobbed at Frog and the tasteless jokes about women drivers, but there's no reason to disparage the Chancellor just because he doesn't love the body he was born in.

Yakra XIII seemed to slouch slightly after a little while before walking away, then he commented. "Oh, and now that you've finally returned, won't you go see the King? His trial is due to start any minute now..."

The throne room doors shut before any of us could protest about the sudden change in schedule. Marle turned to face us.

"What kind of trap was it?" she demanded.

This entire group needs to attend a diversity seminar, I see.

"That wasn't actually the Chancellor. It's a fake by the name of Yakra XIII," Crono explained. "Joe told me quite a bit about it last night, after you fell asleep in the forest. He wanted to get you mad and blame your dad for your mom's death."

”I didn't tell you about any of this at a more convenient time because, well, Joe said it'd be funnier this way.”

"When really, from what I recall, she had a terrible and terminal illness," I said. "I also read some recent history back when Lucca and I were about to spring Crono from the jail, which mentioned that there was a doctor here who tried to heal her, but couldn't, so he closed up shop. Last anyone saw of him he was leaving for the El Nido Archipelago."

Ooooh look at me, I'm Joe, I pretend to read books ooooh.

"Don't we have a trial to be interrupting?" grumbled Magus.

Well jeez, Mr. Grumpy here just can't wait to ruin other people's court dates, can he?

"Right, right. Lets go." We all walked off to the right side of the entrance hall and up the stairs to the court room. Two soldiers stood in our way.

"Entry is forbidden."

"You have no idea who you're talking to, do you?" I said. "First, we have Princess Nadia herself, followed by your greatest enemy from the past, Magus, along with the great hero Sir Glenn. I'd list off the rest, but I think that should be sufficient."

"Entry is forbidden." I sighed.

Can this be the part where Joe keeps ranting on about his rights as a Sovereign Citizen and gets tazed?

"Damn NPCs."

"LET ME THROUGH!" Marle screamed, prompting everyone else to put our hands over our ears.

The guards jumped away in shock and Marle dashed in, but before the rest of us could approach, the guards stood in our way again. Several of us prepared to fight, but Crono asked us to stand down, Marle was the only one who needed to get in there.

Uh, someone other than Joe being part of the main event? Have you been reading the same story I have, Crono?

After a minute or two, Marle came back out and explained to us that we needed to find the Rainbow Shell, placed somewhere in the castle, to free her father. We headed for the basement on the same side of the castle, as I knew that that's where it had been placed.

As we descended the steps, I could hear trace amounts of hissing laughter, which grew louder as we went further down.

Joe, flashing back to his time in high school, started convulsing on the floor.

Just as we reached the bottom step, We could hear the conversation of two serpent Mystics.

"Looks like the boss is finally going to settle the score on his thirteen generation grudge!" Followed by more hissing laughter.

"Yeah, he's gonna get that king good with all that false evidence!" The two laughed again,


but their laughter was short lived as Magus appeared behind them and swung his scythe, cutting their heads off.

"Idiots," I muttered as we walked along. "Never talk about you boss's plans where you can be overheard. Especially if you're just lackeys."

"Didn't do them much good anyway, though," countered Crono.


I don't get what that was supposed to contribute?

"True." We continued down the hallway, which was filled with a great deal of treasure that sorely tempted the hoarding dragon within me. Any enemy that appeared before us was quickly dispatched before they could get an attack in, as each usually had at least two or three attacks flying at them each.

It wasn't long before we reached the Rainbow Shell itself, it's radiance dimmed by the lack of sunlight, but still glorious by way of the torches lining the walls. One spot was quite obviously not shiny, due to the four-hundred year old note laid upon it. We approached and Marle pulled off the note, with Lucca reading it over her shoulder. I snapped off a reasonably sized piece to be used as evidence of the Shell's presence in the castle, when the girls finished reading the note.

"Knows just what to say, doesn't she?" chuckled Lucca.

Since Bardic refuses to say 'who' wrote the note, I'm gonna assume it was Elizabeth Bathory, complimenting the group on their work in exterminating the Jewish menace.

"Too true, but right now, we have more important things to worry about!" I displayed the Rainbow Shard and we dashed away, moving even faster than before thanks to having cleared out all the enemies from the passage on the way in. We ran up to the courtroom to demand re-entry, Marle once again leading.

"I'm sorry, but the verdict is being cast right now, no entrance is permitted by anyone," answered the soldier.

Roll 1d20 to see if the verdict cast is effective.

Marle frowned and turned to the rest of the party. "Alright, there should be one more way in, but it might be a bit rough. Most of you should stay here and wait for the signal to enter. Joe, Barog's help would make things a lot easier."

I nodded and transformed, not bothering with being flashy and just transforming all at once.

I'd like to think that up to now, Bardick has been imagining the typical Sailor Moon magical girl transformation anytime his self-insert turned into Barog.

Marle lead me to a balcony as near to the courtroom as she could and pointed to the stained glass window. I grabbed her hands and picked her up, flying to the window at the back of the courtroom. Voices could be heard from within.

"A verdict has been reached! Five votes of Guilty to one Not Guilty! The defendant, King Guardia XXXIII, has been found guilty as charged."

”Also, a unanimous decision to declare that Joe is the coolest, yeah!”

The false Chancellor was trying to whisper his glee, but my newly sensitive hearing picked up his voice. "The line of Guardia has ended. This kingdom shall be mine!" Then, louder. "Take him away, toys!"

At this point Marle shouted her own order. "WAIT!"

"Who said that?!" demanded Yakra XIII.

Yo momma. Fuckin got 'em

Then there was a collective gasp as everyone (apparently) caught sight of our silhouette in the window. I flew forward, smashing open the glass, as Marle called out to her dad.

"Nadia!" "Princess!" shouted Yakra and the King at the same time, but the fake Chancellor continued.

"You're too late! His Grace has been found guilty! Not even a King is above the law!"

"Not when everything was a set-up!" I said, setting Marle on the ground.

"Nonsense! The King is a crook! He sold-"

"He sold nothing," I spat. "We found the Rainbow Shell, under guard by a pair of lackeys belonging to our dear faker here."

Oddly enough, they found it right where it had always been kept. The Guardian police force has been lacking a bit since the recession. #ThanksObama

"And here's the proof!" Marle pulled out the Rainbow Shard and nearly everyone was blinded by the intense light that reflected off it from the sun shining through the window. That was the signal that brought the others through the doors of the courtroom, the guards on the other side apparently knocked out as well. Marle put the Shard away and we turned to Yakra XIII.

"Give it up, faker, your little scheme has failed." He looked at the floor, before his body started quivering.

Not sure this is the most appropriate time to be doing that, Chancellor.

"Heh heh..." We all reached for our weapons. "Hee hee hee! You're the ones who ought to give it up! If I can't avenge my ancestor the easy way, I'll just have to do it the hard way..." He began to glow as the judge, most of the audience, and the King fled the room. "Super, Ultra, Presto, TRANSFORM-O!"

"You'll go down just as easily as the first, Yakra XIII!" I shouted. The battle was over far too quickly, but that should have been expected with nearly three times as many people as should have been there. Oh, it was a little difficult to fight in such a confined space, but after Yakra XIII crushed the podium in the center of the room and part of the judge's bench with his charge attack, we gained more manoeuvre-room.

Jesus, that's not even the proper Teaboo way of spelling “maneuver.”

He claimed that Yakra I had given him our secret weakness, but his weird spinning needle attack thingy barely did anything. I countered him with both my magic and the fact that we killed his ancestor long before he could divulge any secret weakness.

So ends the climactic part of a climactic storyline. Did it live up to the non-existent hype or what?

After he faded away, just like every other Mystic we'd fought, I picked up the key to the chest containing the real Chancellor, swiftly returning to my own form. As Marle and her father had their bonding moment, I quickly snuck out the door, intent on freeing the Chancellor as soon as I could.

”While they had their bonding moment, I of course did other things so as to have all of the attention on me and not that stupid bitch Marle.”

I was stopped in the hall by Melchior.

"Well, well. Quite the performance you put on in there, Master Firestorm," he chuckled.

"You knew I was Barog?"

He just saw you transform, dude. Melchior's not as stupid as half of your teammates, so I doubt it was hard to connect the dots here.

"Why, yes. As the Guru of Life, I had to well acquainted with all the great legends dealing with the world, which was one of the reasons I never got involved in the Lavos business. Gaspar was always too busy working on his Time Egg, which I see turned out favourably, by Miss Ashtear's presence, while Belthasar was all about the philosophy of Nu. Drove us bonkers when he'd bring it up." We both laughed.

That's why in all of the walls of text Belthasar had in Chrono Cross, he brought up the Nus exactly zero times.

"In any case, since I saw that there was actually a Rainbow Shell here, I was thinking of asking permission to make something out of it, that sort of material is very rare, especially here on the mainland. I shall talk with you later, perhaps?"

"Of course. Right now, I'm going to be freeing the real Chancellor from where this Yakra sealed him away. Er, could you please mention that to everyone for me? I'm not sure if anyone noticed me slip out, but if they suddenly wonder where I am...?"

They've already lost all will to live, not knowing where Joe went. Except Magus, because he's such a super cool badass omg teh blak win howls.

"It is no trouble. Fare thee well."

"You too." We both continued on our ways, though mine took me all the way to the west wing of the castle, whereas his only took him a few floors down. The Chancellor, who was actually a fairly nice guy once I got the chance to talk to him, which was on the way to the throne room. I then apologized for stepping on his hands so hard back when we broke Crono out, because I had thought he was Yakra XII in disguise. He then informed me that it actually wasn't long after that that he had been locked in the box, though Yakra kept him alive to "refresh his form" or something like that.

How do you spend so much time writing about the minute details of every minor character instead of the people that fans would actually care about?

I joined with everyone else as we walked out the door. Crono turned to me. "So, what's next on the list, Joe?"

"We've got only three side quests left. The Sun Stone, the Geno Dome, and the Black Omen itself. Fortunately, the first two start in AD 2300, so we can do the same thing we did for the Hero's Grave and the Rainbow Shell. Robo's needed for Geno Dome, because he was built there, whilst Magus and I would be good choices for the Sun Stone mission."

The Sun Stone mission is just fighting a fire-monster, so wouldn't Frog and Marle be better choices?

"I'll go with you on the Sun Stone mission, Joe," said Lucca.

"I'll go with Robo to Geno Dome," volunteered Glenn.

"Ayla go with Robo, too!" Ayla cheered.

"Hmm, I think that I'll do the Sun Stone thing with Joe, Magus, and Lucca," said Crono. "Guess that means you're going to the factory with Robo, Marle."

Wow, that is the exact opposite party you want, good strategy Joe.

"That's alright," she smiled. "I'm sure we'll be alright."

Team Shortbus Reunion Tour, feat. MC Robo!

We went separately to Proto Dome, where I informed them of how pretty much straight-forward the Sun Stone quest was, only it required us to travel through time more than them, so we got the Epoch after dropping off Robo's team at Geno Dome (which didn't actually have a dome over it). As I figured, the Sun Temple was a straight hallway to the eye-thing known as the Son of Sun. before we reached it, I started to explain the battle.

”Ok Crono, listen carefully: Fire hot. Don't get fire or fire hurt.”

"There was a trick in the game that could be used to make this battle really easy, which is why Magus is here. Magus, you do have enough power to cast Dark Hole, right?"

"Yes, I do."

"Good. You and I will be absorbing the little flames that the Son of Sun uses to shield itself from attack until only the true heart of the boss is left. It's the only one that Dark Hole won't affect, so we should be good there. Crono, you and Lucca should have the most obvious tactic: attack the shield flames until you hit the heart flame. It will cast Flare if you get the wrong one, but I'll leave some attention to absorbing those while I work on the flames." I held up my hand and covered it in flame, before spreading it across my body in a very flashy manner, my wings and tail forming from their own fiery outlines in a very artistic (to my already warping mind) way. I smirked with pride and strode forward, expecting the others to follow me.

The Son of Sun is a roulette wheel. While there may be a glitch with Magus' Black Hole spell that makes it easier (it's not at all efficient to do; you're better off guessing) the entire fight is balls-easy if you have certain equipment that Joe and Friends SHOULD have by now considering they completed the Cyrus quest.

The battle started with the opening of the Son's eye, before it was surrounded by far more flames than I recalled there being before. But in my arrogant state of mind, I paid that fact no mind and simply started absorbing the flames, as Magus cast a few Dark Holes before he collapsed from magical exhaustion. Crono and Lucca set off a few Flares that I dutifully absorbed, but without warning the power behind those spells and the magical flames I was already absorbing started to make me giddy and more arrogant, my power was growing with every flame I absorbed and eventually I had absorbed every flame, including the heart one.

See, the boss doesn't even use Flare unless you attack the center, and if you had absorbed the “heart” flame, then it should be dead, because that's how the boss works.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, I had steadily been growing larger with every bit of power I had absorbed, though I had perceived it as the Sun shrinking as it /lost/ power. I then picked up the eye in my hand, itself no bigger than my own eye at the time, and crushed it, absorbing the last of the fire within it. That's when things went from "arrogant" to "ass."

Did this story change from “ass” to “anything else” at some point?

"Heh heh heh... Hahaha... HAHAHAHAHA! I am all powerful! There is nothing in this world greater than I am, not even the pebble Lavos! I am UNBEATABLE! HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

I see nothing different from the norm here.

The others (except for Magus(becuz hez 2kewl)) informed me later that they were terrified at my sudden change of heart. I hadn't looked at the party, either, until Lucca whispered my name in fear.

"J-Joe? What's going on?" I glanced at the party with contempt born of pride evident on my face.

"My power has grown stronger, my true self awakened! I will kill Lavos myself! The rest of you are unnecessary!"

Maybe you're more self-aware than I give you credit for.

I walked towards the door, compressing my form to leave through the door when Magus grabbed my arm.

"What the HELL do you think you're-" I cut him off with a light backhand to the face, sending him almost tumbling into the lava on the side of the catwalk.

No, Joe, don't do that. You're only supposed to hurt your friends to impress Magus, remember?

"Never speak to me in that way again, Magus. It will not be tolerated." My eyes narrowed when I saw Crono step in view, sword held at the ready. "Please. Do you REALLY think you can fight ME? I am Barog Firestorm, the God of Fire!" Now, it is at this point in the story I must remind you that, yes, Barog is one of the Good Gods. But even the greatest of heroes can get lost in the heat of the moment, and with Barog's emotions, every second is the "heat of the moment."

”A/N: Yeah so I know everything I do makes me seem like a bad guy and completely irresponsible, but no seriously, I'm a good guy. I'm the hero.”
He actually had to stop the story to remind his audience.

"I shouldn't have to fight you. You're one of us!" Crono pleaded.

I laughed. "One of you? I am no more human than I am Mystic! I. Am. A. GOD!"

"But that didn't stop you from joining us. That didn't stop you from deciding to stick with us. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS!"

Just because you're a good guy doesn't make you a good guy.

I reached for the Murasame, but found my hand repelled by the hilt of my sword, the pain too great to bear, stronger even than my power of Fire. I made it appear as though I had merely decided against drawing it and manifested flames in both hands. "A 'good guy?' Yes, I would even go so far as to call myself a hero. But that doesn't mean I need mortal help anymore." I reared an arm back to throw the fireball, showing what a hero I am when sudden footsteps came from off to my side, a pair of arms wrapping around me. Crono looked shocked, Magus's eyes had widened almost imperceptibly, and my overwhelming pride was quickly swept away by overwhelming confusion as I noted that the arms weren't trying to crush me. They were rather gentle, in fact. And accompanied by the sound of crying.

"Please Joe, come back to us," cried Lucca. Her voice softened slightly as she added. "Come back to me." Then, even softer, "I love you."

Aaaaaaaaaand heeeeeeeeere we go!

My conscience seized that sentence and pulled up every memory I had of Lucca, and I found myself overwhelmed again, by a new form of emotional serenity. I changed back and quickly turned around before nearly crushing her with a hug of my own. Tears spilled down my face.

I never saw the point of chiropractors before, but after this whiplash I think I may need to find one.

"I love you, too," I whispered hoarsely. "I love you, too." We looked into each other's eyes for what seemed the longest moment of my life before we leaned towards each other. I could feel her heart beating alongside mine, in almost perfect rhythm. I could hear her breath, my senses seeming to become greater than they had been when I was Barog.

What a passionate and memorable love story this has beeBLOOOOOGH!

Our lips made contact and-

"Would you two cut the mushy crap?" growled Magus. "We're here for the Sun Stone, dammit." Fire burned in my eyes as Lucca and I turned to face him, the moment lost.

"Are you a masochist, Magus? Perhaps one who likes to burn himself? BECAUSE YOU SURE AS HELL SEEM TO LIKE TEMPTING ME INTO ROASTING YOU!"


A rap battle between “Ugh I'm so cool and badass and emotionless” Magus and “omg I love Joe” Lucca would be pretty amusing though, not gonna lie.

Lucca glared at him as well, and Crono was almost just as pissed. Magus sighed out his nose turning to follow the path further into the Sun Temple. Crono smiled at us gently and turned to follow.

"Now," I asked, "where were we?" Lucca giggled and we resumed our kiss.

So remember when Joe bitchslapped Magus and instead of people being like “oh no Magus are you ok” they were like “oh no Joe please be a good guy,” then when he did they threatened to burn Magus alive and started making out? Because that just happened.

"Just who the hell do you think I am?!"

-Kamina, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann

This chapter was published at some point around the end of March, 2009, so I guess the obsession with manchild Kamina makes sense.

A/N: And after nearly three-quarters of a year, I get inspiration again! It's actually because I started playing Chrono Cross and keep thinking about the sequel I had planned ever since I first played it. Can't start a sequel without finishing the first story!

So you have played the games, and you are even playing the sequel, and yet you get fundamental plot points wrong.

As for the last scene, I've had it planned ever since waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in chapter nine, when I decided I was going to pair up Lucca with Barog-me. I should probably also mention that it was not at all inspired by the season finale of Ben 10: Alien Force's scene between Gwen and Kevin. Outside of this particular pairing, I'm actually quite the fan of LuMa (Lucca/Magus).

”Whenever I'm not pairing myself with her, I always pair off my super best bff friend Magus.”

There's another planned surprise for next chapter, then there's only two to go before the end!

Thank Christ.

I was thinking of trying to incorporate the new dungeons for CTDS in the story, just to confuse the hell out of the me in the story (who is, btw, fourteen and left our world in 2002).

And was apparently driving by that point, and would make you 21 by the time this chapter was published.

Then I noted that since this me had killed Dalton, his role in that one Rift wouldn't work anymore, and from what I've read the "hidden forest" or whatever one that has you running between Prehistoria and the Middle Ages is rather boring and convoluted, so I scrapped that idea.

I agree, for once. That dungeon was tedious enough without Bardic's IKEA dialog.

Oh, and since "Kid" is a really dumb name for a kid, can anyone suggest a good name for her when Barog-Joe and Lucca adopt her?


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Post #23

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post Jun 16 2015, 07:57 AM
Now that the romance subplot has been resolved, have some more romance subplot, written by a 21 year old guy with the mindset of a 12 year old girl.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter Twenty-Four

A Promise and Light Through the Ages

By: Shadic the Hedgehog

After Lucca and I decided to stop kissing (I don't know how long it was, I didn't have a watch or anything like that), we went to meet up with Crono and Magus at the Moon Stone.

Magus could be heard repeating the phrase “fucking gay” over and over, while Crono responded with “Dude, I know, I know.”

Lucca and I blushed a bit when we saw Crono smiling lightly at us, but Lucca quickly shook it off and went to examine the stone.

"Hmm, it's obvious this hasn't had much chance to absorb energy, it's completely depleted!" She picked it up, the stone itself surprisingly small and porous in comparison to the game sprite that was used for it. "We could recharge it if we put it in the sun, but..."

There is literally nowhere in the world where the sun shines. Darn, foiled again.

I picked up where she trailed off. "But it's so low on power that it would take millenia to return it to full capacity."

Magus nodded. "I know of a place we could store it. I'm sure you know of a when."

”My ass and right now.”

"We place it in the Sun Shrine in sixty-five million BC. We'll have to make a stop in Porre in AD 1000, because someone found it, but then we just have to put it back in the Shrine."

We all nodded and headed back out to the Epoch, Lucca and I sitting in back while Crono piloted. We lay against each other, still basking in the glow of our newfound love, as Magus tried to pay us no attention.

The one due I'll give this devil is that he made Magus a far more sympathetic character than he was in the original.

We arrived quickly in Prehistoria and Magus guided Crono in the general direction of the Shrine. Or as I said, "North. Lots of North," which earned me a half-lidded glare from Magus.

So besides the fact that Magus is the only other capable person that Bardic doesn't hate in this fic, how did he become the expert on the geography of a time period he has never been to?

Crono said that we could stay behind as he and Magus went in, and I thanked him. Lucca and I spent the five minutes or so that the two of them were in the Shrine just talking about ourselves and some funny stories from our childhoods. I was just telling her about my unfortunate temper attack in sixth grade when Crono and Magus emerged. They got in without a word, and took off for the year 1000.

As awesome as I'm sure the story of Joe's “temper attack” in sixth grade was, I'm rather glad for once that Bardick skipped a few details.

We arrived quickly and Crono flew us down to Porre, where I decided I wanted to get out with them to talk with the Mayor of Porre.

The mayor was a nice guy, what with my slight tampering with his family values, and handed us the Waxing Moon Stone.

Lifehack: Everyone's a nice guy when you're holding a gun.

We returned to the Epoch again and landed in the Sun Shrine. Once again, Lucca and I decided to join them as they entered.

As we walked through the cave, I felt a strange shiver down my spine and I looked around. Much like the entrance to Arris Dome and the Giant's Claw caverns, the passageway to the Sun Shrine was larger than the game had shown. We continued on our way to the Shrine itself and placed the stone in the sunlight, on an area of the floor that was, interestingly enough, darker than the surrounding rock and the exact shape of the stone. I hadn't realized that rock could bleach.

Some rocks can, but seeing as this is the only spot in the cave with sunlight, I still don't see how that happened.

While we were leaving, I felt the shiver again, and this time I could feel where the strange sensation was coming from.

"Guys," I started, drawing everyone's attention. "Did any of you feel something strange just a little bit ago?"

”He who felt it, dealt it!” Magus insisted.

Crono and Lucca shook their heads, but Magus replied, "There's a disturbance in the space-time continuum here. I did not notice it until you said something, so I don't know if it's only in this time period, but if it's a Gate..." We headed in the direction Magus and I felt the disturbance and found ourselves looking at...

"It's a Universe Gate!" I exclaimed. "I wonder if it leads back to my world, or if it leads to some other one..."

It leads to the universe that contains Joe's two greatest fears: Alcohol and naked women.

"I'd say there's only one way to find out," said Lucca, holding up the Gate Key. Crono looked confused for a moment, until the U-Gate opened.

"It's... Green," he commented.

Sorry Crono, only Ayla gets cookies for correctly identifying colors.

"And?" I returned. "I'll go through first. If it's safe, I'll bring you guys through." They all nodded and I strode forward, hand on the Murasame's hilt. I wondered at how it hadn't hurt this time, like it had when I was Barog in the Sun Palace, but decided I could leave that for some other time. The usual sensation of Gate travel surrounded me as I travelled, and I found myself standing in someone's house. The house seemed very familiar to me, but I couldn't quite place who it might have belonged to. I stepped back through and brought the others with me this time, and the U-Gate closed behind us. It was still there, just closed.

So technically I wasn't wrong. And you and your video game character friends from the year 1000 are now in some stranger's house. Fun.

As I stared at the various coloured glasses in the front window, I heard a voice behind me. A very familiar voice. "I shouldn't have had all five of those pizzas last night."

(insert sitcom laugh track)

I whipped around. "Tob!" It was one of my best friends from S.C.A., Toby Howard, and he was looking really confused and holding his hand to his stomach.

Oh dear. Poor Toby.

"The Gate did bring me back home! Well, sorta. Guys, this is my buddy Tob, Tob these are Lucca, Crono, and Magus. Yes, from Chrono Trigger."

He blinked a few times, then stepped forward and punched my arm. I didn't feel a thing, other than the fact that I had been punched, but that was to be expected with how strong I had become. He shook his hand lightly as he stared. "You're really here... Do you realize how worried you made everyone? They thought you ran away from home or something!"

Well I mean, he kind of did, in a sense.

I winced. "I hadn't meant to make everyone worry, but this is the first Gate home I'd found since the one I crossed over with disappeared! What all's happened since I left?"

"You really want me to try to sum up a year of worry and sorrow?"

”First there was a fire at your house and your dad and sister were killed in it. Your mother survived, but later hung herself, and it was revealed that she was pregnant with a litter of puppies that we then had to drown. Then I asked Sarah to a dance and she said no.”

I sat down heavily on the easy chair I was standing next to as Lucca, Crono, and Magus sorta shrugged and sat down on the couch. "A-A year? But... I've only been adventuring on Chronos for three months!" There was a silence as we assimilated the information. Tob broke the silence after a tense minute.

"So... Where are you in the adventure? Is there any chance I could join? I'll leave a note and evidence and stuff if I can, but..."

Oh hell no. Please don't add any of your stupid friends to the group list.

"We're on the last step before fight Lavos, just before the Black Omen. I'm sorry, but I think you'd be better off here." He looked a little crestfallen, so I added a little more. "I know: when we've finished off Lavos, I'll come back and get you."

"You promise?"

”Whoa whoa whoa, what's all this commitment stuff all of a sudden?”

"I swear it. Also, though it means a bit more traffic through your house, it means I'll be able to visit everyone again and tell them how things went."

We chatted for a little while longer, until I felt we should get back to the battle against Lavos, and Tob asked if he could get a picture of us, just so he knew it wasn't a dream that we had talked, and so he could show it to Mom and Dad as proof of where I was. Lucca opened the U-Gate and we crossed back through it. As we emerged on the other side, I turned to the others.

So did you just deny him the picture?

"So, why were you guys so quiet back there? Couldn't think of anything to say?"

Lucca shook her head, "No. We couldn't understand a word you two were saying most of the time. You seemed to be speaking a completely different language." I froze, confusion evident upon my face, as I contemplated how it was possible that I could sound like I was speaking one language and actually be speaking another one altogether.

"Perhaps it is an extension of your godly powers," commented Magus. "You, as Barog Firestorm, exist on some level in every universe, so you must be able to speak in every universe."

But every universe probably has more than one language. Can Joe now speak Japanese without all those baka classes at his local community college?

"But I wasn't Barog at the time," I protested.

"If I recall, you no longer need to be in Barog's form to be immune to fire, so why wouldn't the same idea work with languages?"

I mean, you're not entirely wrong, but...yeah sure.

I thought about that for a moment before Crono commented on something.

"Um, I thought I was supposed to be able to see a Universe Gate once I had crossed through it."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "You should, yes. Why?"

"Because I don't see it." I turned to look and found the U-Gate gone, just like the one back in Leene's Square back at the beginning of the adventure. I fell to my knees in shock.

"No... No... WHY?! I-I wanted to go home after we were done, see everyone again..." I started crying, Lucca hugging me from behind. "Tell them about the grand adventure..."

”Settle the score with Ryan from Gym Class!”

Magus, though I couldn't see him, turned away and walked slowly out of the cave. At first I thought he was just being a bit of a cold-hearted bastard as usual, but once I got to know him better, he explained that he was coming to terms with having a kindred spirit in the group. Someone else stranded far from home, never able to return the way we wanted to. Magus wanted to have a childhood un-interrupted by Lavos, to grow up as normal as a prince of a magical kingdom could. I just wanted to freely travel between my homes...

Glad this meeting of “kindred spirits” happened off screen rather than make any attempt at developing any sort of character relationship. Given how abruptly the romance angle ended, I guess I shouldn't expect much.

I woke up back at the End of Time, apparently having cried myself to sleep back in the Sun Shrine.

It was quite a hassle lifting and carrying Joe back to the Epoch, but after a while you barely noticed the 300 lb stench.

Lucca was curled up beside me, our bodies somewhat intertwined. I smiled as I peered at her sleeping face, so peaceful in her slumber. That was when I made a resolution: I may have been cut off from my family and friends on Earth, but I had the gang here, and perhaps even a new family with Lucca. Earth would always be fondly remembered, but now... Now Chronos is the place I call home.

Glad that personal crisis was resolved in two paragraphs.

It was after Lucca and I woke up (myself for a second time) and Robo's crew from Geno Dome returned, Atropos's ribbon plugged into Robo's core, that we finally stopped by Lucca's house, followed by Melchior's, to get Taban-edition sunglasses, Lucca's Wondershot, and Crono's Rainbow. It just so happened that Taban's sunglasses actually looked more like sun-goggles, so I switched out my original pair for them, proclaiming myself the group's "goggle-head."

I refuse to believe that even in nerd culture people refer to themselves as “goggle-heads.”

We all gathered in the End of Time, preparing for our assault on the Black Omen. It was pointless, I knew, to try and enter in AD 2300, because doing so wouldn't stop the Day of Lavos. I recommended attacking in 12,000 BC, simply because the Omen had only just recently risen there.

Why not go to 1000 AD and do it, and then do it three more times, so you can copy-paste the same thing three times and pad out the length of this “novel” more and I can cry myself to sleep reading it.

Once again, we would split up, though it was only temporary. Magus, Glenn, and I were to travel by Gate with one other person and then fly to the floating fortress, while the other four would simply get there in the Epoch. Lucca volunteered to travel with my group, which was of little surprise, though Magus rolled his eyes again.

Lucca also can't fly, so that's a bit of a burden.

Crono's team headed for the Epoch, while we made for the Gate Room. The Black Omen was about to disappear, and Lavos would be soon to follow.

It was time to be Big Damn Heroes.

Great, so by this chapter Bardic has discovered TVTropes. I can't wait for the Big Damn Heroes to have their Crowning Moment of Awesome by defeating the Big Bad and his Quirky Miniboss Squad before they have their Crowning Moment of Heartwarming when the Designated Couple tells each other that It Was an Honor. It's all gonna be Badass and real Sweet Dreams Fuel for This Troper, let me tell you. Plus I hope there will be plenty of Panty Shots and Brother-Sister Incest.


"Why do your people always ask if someone is ready right before you're going to do something massively unwise?"


-Ambassadors Jeffery Sinclair and Delenn, Babylon 5

Man, these Bookend quotes are such a Headscratcher. Then again, after reading this Magnum Opus I feel like I'm holding the Idiot Ball, so Your Mileage May Vary.

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Post #24

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post Jun 30 2015, 03:38 PM
Remember how BardicKnowledge is terrible at exposition? That he either leaves out any sort of detail, meanders too long on his personal character or tries to make himself “epic?” You're about to be reacquainted with that fact.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter 25

Assault on the Black Omen

Shadic the Hedgehog

It wasn't hard to find the Omen, because, as soon as we came out of the Gate cave in 12,000 BC, it was floating almost directly above us. I flash-flamed into Barog, keeping a tight reign on my emotions as I picked up Lucca and took off for the landing platform. Magus and Glenn landed moments behind us, as the Epoch came flying out of warp and deposited the other half of the team nearby. We approached the entrance as one. On the way, I returned to my normal form, determined to be Barog for as little time as I could manage.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to thank you once again for welcoming us into your home, as we begin next installment of the greatest Mock-Entertainment Event of the year! This is Wall-Of-Text-Mania 2: It's Straight Up Dawg Time!

The door opened and Queen Zeal stood there, waiting for us.

In her underwear, making the whole situation way more uncomfortable than it needed to be.

"Fools! Have you not learned your lesson? We are made immortal! We shall live forever with Lavos, who feasts upon this planet from within!" she cried, a manic gleam in her eyes. "Now, he rests and gathers strength, but in a mere 14,000 years, he will emerge to -"

"Shut it, Queenie," I interrupted. "We're here to keep Lavos from doing any such thing. And on top of that, your precious Black Omen is going to go down with him, so no more immortality for you."

”No immortality for you. One year.”

She glared at me, then summoned the Mega Mutant. "The only purpose left to you is as a sacrifice! Do yourselves a favour and remember that!" She faded out, leaving us to battle.

The Mega Mutant, being the weakest of the Mutants, was taken out by one attack from each of us, and they were each our level two spells. Lightning 2, Fire 2, Ice 2, Wind 2, Chaos Flare, Dark Mist, Laser Spin, and Earth 2 were rained upon it, striking both body parts at once, and destroying it utterly. We didn't need to name this eight-fold attack, but I mentally catalogued it as the Elemental Barrage.

I am mentally cataloging it as “Spammy Spam Attack With a Supposedly Cooler Name.”

We continued on, ripping through all the enemies that got in our way. Sometimes we'd accidentally heal them, only for the next attack to reverse the healing. We split up within the group depending on how many monsters we were facing, but we usually fought in pairs consisting of myself and Lucca, Marle and Crono, Ayla and Robo, and (surprisingly) Magus and Glenn.

It's fitting that the two characters Bardick never bothers with get paired together.

Sometimes we'd mix-and-match to use the occasional triple-tech or quadra-tech, but mostly we just slaughtered all the monsters we came across.

Ok, cool. So I'm assuming you're just going to Ocean Palace this and skip most of the dungeon?

Fighting the walls was an interesting experience, and the eye enemies were tough with their ability to Lock our magic, but the most annoying enemies were the Metal Mutants, who would target one person to drain from the whole battle, and it was usually Robo (fuck Robo). As we reached the teleporter leading to the elevator, we stopped and used a few items to heal us up before continuing. Every time we came to a room with panels that looked like Panels, I would blast the wall, just in case, and I was continually apprehensive about running into the next Mutant, not remembering where exactly it was.

Ah, ok. You're just gonna keep in the entire dungeon run.

It's weird, I miss your “Gotta Go Fast” dungeons, knowing that you're going to bog down into every screen of the Black Omen.

We stopped and shopped with the Nus that apparently lived in the Black Omen, and I sympathized with the shop-keeper, as it had to be difficult to get customers on floating death machine. We fought our second Tubster after that, followed quickly by a pair of Gato rip-offs that got Lucca both huffy about having her work stolen and proud that her work was worthy to be copied.

This dungeon exists 13,000 years before Lucca made Gato, so, I mean, she really can't get upset that her ideas were stolen.

Our third Tubster fight came in a room with a rather interesting statue that made me think of a fairy of some kind, and it was accompanied by a pair of Flyclops. But our previous experience with the monsters let us make short work of them. Another Gato rip-off battle occurred after that, save that it was only one and accompanied by a turret-like monster. We reached another teleporter after that, though this one was of a different configuration than the last.

Uh-huh. Tell me all about it. In excruciatingly bland detail.

After that came a part that made me groan after I saw it: the maze. I intensely disliked mazes like this, as I always got lost in them in the game. We then encountered a group of creatures that looked like they were made from sewage and made noises like "Narble" and "Ghaj." We soon discovered that using magic on them caused them to hit us with a spell that made us like we used all our magic in one go, so Ayla beat them down with her fists (then disgustedly wiped her hands off on the floor).

Don't be too hard on her, Joe, she can barely count to ten without a fork getting involved.

After the maze (and two more "Ghaj" creatures) we came across a Safe Sphere and rested for a while, using a Shelter to fully cure us.

As we continued on, the floor ahead of us glowed with the colours of the original four elements before, finally, the Giga Mutant appeared. We launched another Elemental Barrage, but the thing didn't go down so we blasted it with another, and resolved to destroy the Tera Mutant with our most powerful spells all at once, like what we had done to the Retinite, only bigger. I mentally dubbed the combination of Luminaire, Flare, Dark Matter, Ice 2, Hurricane, Meteor, Holy Flare, and Electrocute as "Omega Barrage," and we continued onward.

It's a pretty generic name, but at least he's not ripping off DBZ moves anymore.

After the teleporter in the next room was yet another elevator, and we were attacked by two-headed snake things just like the last ones, once again making short work of them, but then we were unexpectedly attacked by the winged yellow guys, one of them immediately dropping Magus on his head, which was immediately cured by Marle. Lucca and I simply used Twin Flare and disintegrated them almost immediately.

None the wiser, Magus' repeated concussions eventually developed into CTE, resulting in him killing his wife and son during a psychotic break.

It seemed that this elevator was more enemy-infested than the last, as not much later, another pair of blue Gatos dropped out of the sky beside us, narrowly missing Crono and Ayla. After making short work of them, I started to wonder if we were becoming over-powered, before I remembered that eight people would be faster at destroying them than three, anyway. We got off the elevator and continued, smashing through anything that got in our way again.

Considering that you're (just as a reminder) playing with people's lives and NOT playing a video game this time, being “overpowered” really shouldn't be that big of a concern.

Our fourth Tubster battle put us up against two of them, but our teams of Crono, Marle, Glenn, and Ayla and Magus, Lucca, Robo, and myself were able to utterly ruin them. After that one, my panel paranoia paid off as I destroyed four of them just before their electricity would have arced through us all. Immediately after that was the Tera Mutant, which we quickly unleashed the Omega Barrage on, the mixture of the six elements (plus robot's electricity and a second fire technique) blowing it and the door and most of the wall behind it into oblivion.

”And after that came the Peta Mutant, and we had to combine all of our ultimate magic with a Spirit Bomb and Sephiroth's Supernova and I mentally named it the Ultra Mega Super Kamehameha Butterfinger Nut Blast Barrage.”

We passed through the open hole and down a long hallway, before entering a room that seemed to have six Panels in it. But instead, a purple light shone through the room, a small Gate forming before expanding into a Lavos Spawn bigger than the ones we had faced down at Death Peak. I was momentarily surprised, as I had known that the only Lavos Spawns in the game had been the ones on Death Peak, there weren't supposed to be any here!

Pssst....Yes there are.

I quickly reminded everyone to focus on the eye, because the shell's counter-attack could potentially slaughter all of us at once, especially considering the size of this one. The battle was rather grueling considering we couldn't use our wide-area destruction techniques on it, having to focus everything we had on one spot.

So, uh, you're presumably playing through the Black Omen as you're going through, making this more of a text LP than a story, but that brings up the question of how you were surprised by the Lavos Spawn and it wasn't supposed to be there.

Eventually we managed to defeat it, but we stayed behind in that room for a while to recuperate from the beating we had taken. The next room's only enemies were a set of four normal Panels and one that looked more ornate. A quick Flare took care of them all in one shot, though. A Safe Sphere appeared and a Shelter was used before we moved on to the next room, the weirdest room in the entirety of the Omen.

I'm not sure if they were clones floating in tubes, or if they were holograms, but every few feet along the hallway, were us. Including Magus and Barog, something I knew wasn't in the original game. We walked along apprehensively, massively creeped out by the stillness of the floating copies. I assured everyone that we wouldn't have to fight them, but the shivers weren't going away. We approached the ruins of the Mammon Machine, and the Queen once again appeared before us.

Oh hey, we're done. Good show, I guess we can save the fight with the Queen for nex—It's happening now, isn't it?

"I know what you have seen," she said.

Honey, you have no idea.

"It is your futures that slumber in this hall. Destiny in its essential form. All the dreams that might have been. All the happiness and sorrow that you might have known. Your tomorrows, as they have been witnessed."

”Your yesterdays, your Christmases, your Saturdays, your 4/20s, all days every days in here.”

She turned away from us before continuing. "The Black Omen transcends time and space, drifting through the all and nothing, waiting for Lavos to awaken..." She turned back, her royal cloak flapping majestically in a wind none of us could feel. "Destiny has led you here, and here you shall remain."

"Destiny? Hah!" I retorted. "The only destiny is the one we make. This flying fortress is going down, you're going down. Lavos is going to die. That's all there is to it." We all pulled out our weapons and prepared to fight.

"Come, children! Lavos slumbers and I will guide you to the depths of his dream! Oh, did I say dream? I meant his eternal nightmare!" She started cackling madly, and then the battle started.

Queen Zeal: Powerful monarch or terrible babysitter?

We didn't attack her as extremely as we had the Mutants, but attacks from eight different sources still took a toll on her.

Halation was a horrible experience, the wave of rainbow energy seeming to bring back every wound we had ever suffered. It was only by the virtue of Marle and Glenn acting as dedicated healers that kept us from dying every time she used it. After a couple minutes of battle, she suddenly groaned.

I'm surprised she lasted even that long, taking it from eight different people.

"My powers don't seem to work here. Ah, but I've an excellent idea! I'll feed you all to the Mammon Machine! You'll become on with the Omen, Lavos, and me!" She floated above the wreckage of the Machine and suddenly everything went dark. Next thing we knew, we were standing in front of the whole and original Mammon Machine.

"Glenn!" I shouted. "Remember how the original purpose of the Masamune was to stop this thing as the Ruby Knife? Well, it still works that way! Start beating on it with your sword!"

Ooooh my.

"What about the Murasame?" asked Crono.

"The Murasame was created when my dad's sword struck the Machine, drawing out Mura and Samé. I don't think that hitting it with it's supposed power source is going to be very helpful here."

And yet hitting it with the OTHER sword it gave its power to will somehow?

"Ah. So you're going to be using magic?"

"I'm going to be using magic."

”Is Joe going to be using magic?”

“Yes, Crono, Joe is going to be using magic. But I wonder if Joe is going to be using magic?”

We assaulted the Machine with the Masamune in every combo attack we had with Glenn, as well as using a majority of our purely magical combo attacks. It was rather surprising how quickly the thing went down, actually. Everything faded out again, but when the light returned this time we found ourselves standing atop the Omen.

In a series of flashing lights, the Queen appeared. "You maggots(that's a time out word)...I am the Queen who shall rule for all eternity at Lavos's side! YOU WILL NOT STAND IN MY WAY!"

"Fool," muttered Magus. "No thing, no life, can last forever. You are deceived. A pitiable plight... One deserving of mercy, at least. I will put an end to all of this!"

You forgot to mention that the black wind howls, Magus. What kind of awesome Badass McCool Guy are you?

"Accursed prophet! Do not think I have forgotten your transgression at the Ocean Palace! YOU shall pay for it now with your life!" In a bright, white light, the Queen's human form disappeared to be replaced by a floating head and hands, each hand as big as one of us.

King Zeal was a very unlucky man.

This time we did launch the Omega Barrage at her, and though it seemed to affect the head pretty badly, the hands were mostly unaffected, and even blasted Magus and I with a technique that drained us of our magic, and Robo and Crono got caught with one that wounded them severely.

Pick up a fucking strategy guide, Bardick. Your OC has been through this battle already, he should KNOW this.

Thankfully, we had picked up a lot of Megalixirs along the way up the Omen, so it was quickly fixed, but with our ability to cast widespread damage curtailed, we were in for a long battle. Not even using physical techniques like Uzzi Punch or Stone Toss seemed to phase the hands any, only causing them to retaliate with their magic and life draining attacks.

It's difficult to describe the battle,

Not that that's ever stopped you from trying.

what with eight combatants on one side and three-in-one on the other, but after sustaining heavy damage (Halation again, ugh), and using a great many Elixirs and Megalixirs we managed to kill the head. And with the head, the hands disappeared as well. Then Queen Zeal reappeared.

"How- how dare you...? Lavos! Lend me your power!" at this cry, a bright light emerged from under the Black Omen. "At last! Lavos awakens again! Before him, you are as grist before the wheel! But I shall attain true immortality!" She faded away as the light grew brighter, until it swallowed the Omen. Then we found ourselves standing in front of Lavos, the great destroyer himself.


-The Hero of Oakvale, Fable.

Well said, Hero of Oakvale. I can't help but agree.

A/N: I wrote this whole chapter while I ran through the Black Omen on my DS using Magus, Lucca and Robo. I changed a few things from the DS, especially some of the names I had already made references to, like the Tubster and Uzzi Punch, but it was nice to play the whole game through anywhere I wanted to. Please, tell me what you think (I know that I didn't have much dialogue or battle descriptions in this chapter, but at least I got it out before next year, right?),

A sentiment that the crew of the Challenger could appreciate.

and the next two chapters should be up soon, followed by the Epilogue. Why two? Well, there's the battle against Lavos, then the game's ending (with Barog-Joe thrown in). The Epilogue takes place a few years after that.

Hopefully five years after. Hehehe.

Oh, and I want everyone's opinion. Should I go through Lavos taking on the forms of previous bosses, or should I just skip straight to fighting his shell?

The entire chapter should be “We then used the Super Death Cock Barrage With Sprinkles on Lavos and he died.” Do that and I will be happy.

And yes, I realize that my chapters have been getting shorter for a while now, but the last regular chapter and the epilogue should make up for that.

Fucking joy.

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Jul 26 2015, 06:46 PM

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post Jul 9 2015, 11:34 AM
It's clobberin' time.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter 26

The Fall of Lavos

Shadic the Hedgehog

"SO. YOU MORTALS HAVE RETURNED," Lavos' mental voice was still practically deafening, but said in such a calm way, that we weren't reaching for our heads in agony.

Well so long as Lavos is being nice about it I guess him screaming inside your head is ok.


Whoa, Lavos with a sudden environmentalist message. It's completely hypocritical, but hell, I'll allow it.

"That's not the point. Your life threatens the life of every living thing on this world. If we allow you to do as you wish, then when your Spawn leave, this world will be no more. And that is something we won't allow," I replied. "As for what makes us believe that we'll win? Those missions weren't about weakening you or strengthening the planet. Not directly, anyway. They were to strengthen us!"

Your speeches completely ruin themselves. Anytime you try to make a comeback, you make your wording so convoluted that no one could possibly understand what you're going for.

On the last word, we all began glowing or in some way manifesting our powers, magical and otherwise.

Joe's glow was a distinct yellow color, as his eyes turned blue and he became a true Super Saiyan at last.

Lavos' eye stayed wide for a moment before continuing it's lazy blinking.

"IF YOU BELIEVE YOUR POWER IS SO GREAT. THEN LET'S SEE YOU DEAL WITH THIS!" Lavos roared on his own last word and I felt a brief sensation of time travel. But it didn't feel quite right. As I found myself, Crono, and Lucca standing on the bridge to the prisons of Guardia Castle, facing down the Dragon Tank once more, I realized why.

"All our old enemies," whispered Lucca. "He's making us fight enemies we faced off against before."

It figures that you can't spend more than a few paragraphs on Death Peak, but the moment you get the chance to write about an “awesome” battle, you
shit yourself with detail.

"I wonder if they're as weak as they were before?" asked Crono.

"One way to find out," I replied. We drew our weapons and flew into battle. One swing of the Rainbow removed the Head of the Dragon Tank, while a shot from Lucca's Wondershot blew out the wheels, and the Murasame smashed open the body like a hot knife through butter. Or even a cold knife through butter. I've never had any trouble with using cold knife...

It's to melt the butter so it gets soft—god, think before you speak. It's a lot to ask, I realize, but try!

Anyway, after ripping apart the Dragon Tank, we were again cast through the odd time-warp. This time, Marle was with us as we fought the Guardian again, after quickly bringing her up to speed on Lavos' plan. Rather than have us each destroy a piece the same time, Marle decided to just shoot the main robot with her Valkyrie, and we were rewarded with an instant "Breakdown" from the machine.

That fight with the Guardian actually took longer than the original!

We were left with this group for the next three battles against the Heckran (dispatched with a single bolt of lightning), Zombor (one hit to each half with just our weapons), and MasaMune (Just one tap from the Murasame took him out). The group finally changed as we reached Nizbel, Crono and Marle being replaced by Robo and Ayla, who were quickly brought up to speed on the situation. Nizbel actually took a bit more work than the other bosses we had fought, but not much more. The combined attack of Robo's Terra Arm and Ayla' Golden Fists dropped him with a couple of blows to the back of the head.

I want to know who did this. Which one of your half-witted “reviewers” said “Hey BardicKnowledge, you SHOULD pad out the rest of this story by going through every part of the Lavos battle.” I'm gonna go find out.

Just before we slid again, I wondered about how the battle with Magus was to play out, considering the fact that Magus was on our side. My suspicions and worries were unfounded, thankfully, as I discovered our group to be Crono, Marle, Lucca, myself, Glenn, and Magus vs Magus. We were rather surprised, but Magus simply declared that, besides the first strike from the Masamune, he wanted to see how he stacked up against his old self.

It was probably the second longest of the battles we had faced and had yet to face. Every barrier that the enemy Magus threw up was instantly beaten down by our Magus. And when the enemy finally dropped all his barriers and started casting Dark Matter, Magus jumped the gun and cast it faster, finishing off his doppelgänger without once drawing the Doom Scythe.

Skyzark in a review on May 24th, 2009 said: “I say keep the whole battle for the epicness.” Thank you Skyzark, you may expect a flaming bag of dog poopy on your porch tonight.

I ended up alone after that one, when I noticed myself standing on an island floating beside a larger one. As I turned around, I drew my sword, just fast enough to block a six-foot long katana version of the Masamune. There stood Sephiroth.

...you have got to be shitting me.

While Crono, Ayla, Lucca, Glenn and Marle fought Azala, I had to deal with the One-Winged Angel. As he pulled his sword back, I got into a more ready position. We stared at each other a while before, unlike any other boss on this trip, he spoke.

"Shall we have a rematch?" the words were almost whispered, but I heard them as though he spoke them at a normal tone of voice three feet from me, instead of six.

You have really outdone yourself. I believe that was the stupidest thing I've read in this story yet. Yes, stupider than turning off a car in drive, or boiling your blood out of your body to heal yourself. You have done the impossible. You have impressed me once again with your stupidity.


I nodded, and we charged at each other. I knew the secret of this battle, a way to end it quickly, would be to just blow up the island beneath us, but I also knew that that would prove nothing. So we fought, long and hard.

Because God forbid you take this fight against an interdimensional evil who's threatening to destroy the world seriously and not spend a frustrating amount of time writing about getting your win back.

Sephiroth was amazingly fast with his otherwise unwieldy sword. Six feet of steel is no small feat to swing around, I assure you, and here he was swinging it like a short sword! My greatest advantage was my magic which I used at every opportunity. I'd throw fireballs, and he'd counter with dark orbs, I'd breathe fire and he'd vanish to somewhere else.

”I'd jizz contentedly on him and he would look at me in disgust.”

Eventually, I had no idea how long it had been, we both stood across the island from each other. His sword was chipped in several places, and both our clothes seemed to be held together by little more than will, because the threads were likely weakened by the blood that flowed out of the scratches underneath the holes.

That is absolutely disgusting and I hope we don't have to hear you describe yourself in a further state of undress than that.

Several times, particularly after I would get hit with "Descend Heartless Angel," I had felt the power of Barog call to me, tempting me to use it's power to fight him, but I resisted. I now feared the power my divine soul carried. Feared that the next time I used it, I would lose myself in the power so completely, that not even Lucca's love would be able to snap me out of it.

"You fight well, Barog Firestorm," said Sephiroth between breaths.

"That's not my name..." I replied. "I'm Joe McCord, and that's all I want to be."

While the “hero relies too much on a taboo power and has to overcome it by being himself” trope is one I've always kind of liked, it just feels so out of place when it's used by a character so immature, irresponsible and ignorant as “Joe McCord.”

"Very well then. Let us test the power of 'Joe McCord.'" Sephiroth put his sword by his waist, and I mirrored him. Then we charged, swinging for each other as we met in the middle of the pock-marked island. We stopped and I felt blood erupt from my side, dropping me to one knee. But I knew that I had aimed true, and glanced over my shoulder to see Sephiroth's arm and wing fall off his shoulder, follow soon after by his head.

Kurosawa would be proud.*


I smiled a little at my victory and, just before I slid to the next fight, I saw a white-ish grey feather float across the field, and a winged, spear-carrying figure step into view.

Ok, winged spear carrying figure. Angelmon, God Kekfa, Goku with a spear, who is it gonna be?

I then found myself staring down Giga Gaia.

Who has none of those qualities.

Not long after arriving, I drank down an elixir, the damage to my clothes mysteriously gone after my last slide. In any case, Glenn, Lucca, Crono, and I beat down Giga Gaia faster and easier than before, without having to resort to a Tetra Tech. Instead we physically wrecked GG's hand and then pummeled the face till he disintegrated.

Then there was one last warp and we were returned to confront Lavos.

So that's the first part of the Lavos fight. First of...ugh.

"I hope that trip was worth the energy you could have used on us," I smirked. Lavos replied with a wordless scream before raining down his energy bolts. An attack with no name other than "Destruction Rains from the Heavens." We charged as one, a barrage not quite as powerful as the Omega Barrage, but still quite potent drilling into the eye. It survived and Lavos retorted with spines fired from his back. We dodged a lot of them, but unfortunately, not all. Magus was in serious need of an Elixer before continuing, thanks to his magic battle against himself. This item use seemed to piss Lavos off even more as he threw another "Destruction" at us.

I can see why. You fought Sephiroth fairly like a noble samurai, but Lavos gets the eight-on-one super gang bang. It's insulting.

Apparently, Ayla had, at some point, been brainstorming with Robo, Magus, or Lucca, because as Crono, Marle, Glenn, and I unleashed some physical attacks on Lavos' eye, they charged up an Omega Flare that, instead of being aimed at Lavos, was pointed at Ayla's outstretched and stone-covered fist. The black flames danced on the magic stone, stretching out like a comet's tail as Ayla flew forward, punching through the eyelid Lavos tried to shield himself with. The attack was accompanied with a cry of "Kage Houou Ken!" and the explosion of black flames was shaped like a bird, even accompanied by a call that sounded like a bird of prey.

Considering that Joe is the only one who knows Japanese (ahahaha) I have to assume that that cry came from him, notwithstanding the possibility of us “hearing” Kenshiro from within this fic, which I refuse to entertain.

The hole in the 'lid made for an excellent target for the next Tetra Tech, which came from the other half of the group. Glenn took point, much like Ayla had for the "Kage Houou Ken," creating a sphere or swirling wind that Crono, Marle, and I added a "Delta Flare" to. The wind took on a sparkling rainbow quality, though the way Glenn held the magic above his head I would almost say it was Goku's Spirit Bomb from DBZ.

Of course you would! You can't compare it to anything other than Dragon Ball Z, because you're an illiterate fuck who's only foray into literature was the Chronicles of Amber. Everything else creative you've been exposed to has been some kind of sci-fi nerd show, game or anime. You don't know anything else, so of course it's yet another goddamned DBZ ripoff.

However, Glenn named it something different as he cast the magic towards Lavos' eye. "Spiraling Prism!" The concentrated magic struck true, and the resulting rainbow explosion broke the lid with the hole in it into multiple shards, revealing the top third of the eye permanently.

I'm shocked that it wasn't “Spiraling Prism Power” just to ape Sailor Moon.

With a guaranteed weak spot, We charged up a new level of Barrage, using the pure magic of the elements, rather than the foci of normal spells. Crono's hands held a light bright as a star, counter point to Magus' hand-held black hole. Lucca and Marle held points of burning red energy and cold blue energy, respectively, while Glenn and Ayla were holding swirling yellow and steady green energy. Robo, who had no magic, simply charged a laser that would have completely fried the Rust Tyrano, while I forced most of my magic out into a nimbus of fire that took the shape of Barog, but did not transform me.

It is amazing how everyone just knows to do this shit without any communication, or forethought or anything. It is also amazing how much Bardick is sucking himself off for coming up with the clever technique of just combining everyone's power together.

That turned out to be the last attack of the battle against the shell, as the Ultimate Barrage basically disintegrated the eye completely, the explosion accompanied by Lavos' wordless scream of pain. We quickly drank down some Turbo Ethers and Hyper Tonics until we were back to full strength and then we jumped into the belly of the beast.

Two stages down, two to go. Give me strength.

Silently, we followed the breathing sound towards the center of the planet parasite, the cavern large enough to accommodate us in a tw-by-four formation.

Still not large enough to accommodate your mom.

Entering the chamber of Inner Lavos, the laboured breathing sound became almost deafening. As our eyes adjusted to the darkness, our ears began to tune out the sound in the background. The robotic form of Inner Lavos seemed to slowly fade into view, and once again, he spoke.

”What IS the deal with airline food?”

"So... You Defeated The Shell..." The voice was subdued, almost a whisper of its former self. "It Seems... I Underestimated Your Power... Come... Face Your Doom..." The arms fell away from the body, pulling open the chest in the initial attack, called the "Doors of Destruction," two sickly-yellow lasers lancing out and scorching the ground beneath us, which would have destroyed us utterly, had we been anyone else.

Not if you had been Evel Knieval!

The group, as it had been divided, started fighting the arms, to make it easier to defeat him, as the arms apparently contained some form of force field generator that shielded the main body from harm at all times. The right arm was the first to go, the strange crescent energy beams the arms fired easily dodged, destroyed by a well placed Dark Napalm combo, but before we could destroy the left arm, it unleashed a series of orbs that entered Magus.


Magus waved off any help, and Marle, Crono, and Glenn used Arc Impulse to finish off the arm.

The body then revealed what those orbs did, using Chaos Zone to temporarily confuse Magus. He stood there laughing for a couple seconds before attacking Ayla, who stood beside him, still laughing.

I don't know about Joe, but to me attacking the slow child sounds like a hilarious time.

Ayla dodged and countered, which she admitted was merely a reflex, but the punch to the face managed to snap Magus out of it, and we turned our attention back to Inner Lavos.

As we turned to attack, the third eye-like hole at the top of the machine released a black, foul smelling gas that weakened us slightly, and caused Magus to retch. We quickly downed a Heal potion each, which only seemed to do Magus any good. We pummeled the body for a while, sometimes attacking in combos, sometimes individually. On occasion, he would retaliate with a small stream of fire that Lucca or I would block and return, and once he fire a single red laser from the mouth-like thing under his main eyes that ignited the black gas that still lingered.


Unfortunately, the attack didn't seem to count as a fire attack, so we couldn't do anything about it other than weather the black flames.
Finally, the body was destroyed with an earsplitting screech.

”So we attacked the dude and then we separated and got hit with his attack that looked like X and then we all combined to do our Sushi Kamekazi Fujiyama Nippon-Ichi Attack and drank elixirs and then he died.” Truly some prose worthy of Masato Kato himself.

As the pieces of Inner Lavos faded away, the Attack Bit of Lavos Core appeared.

Three of four. We can do this!

"You are worthy life forms, indeed. I was right to choose this planet for harvesting," said Lavos. His "voice" was quiet. "Though I should have destroyed all of you when I had the chance."

"Harvesting?" asked Marle.

"Indeed. My race lives among the stars, seeking out worlds to live within and harvest. Eventually, we will have absorbed the most desirable traits of every race ever to exist on a world, then share the DNA with our children. One of them will return to the Great Mother who birthed us all, while the others seek out their own worlds to devour. Through this process, we will eventually reach perfection, and be liken unto gods."

So Lavos is a Hindu. Neat.

Robo beeped momentarily, "Already his power seems incalculable compared to everything we've encountered."

”Except for Joe.”

"And once you are destroyed, I will add your powers to my children and nothing will be able to withstand the might of our kind."

"Sorry, not gonna happen. You see, I've already briefed the rest of the group on your weaknesses," I replied. "That's one reason you can't kill us. The other reason is that this is our story, and the good guys always win."

And then everyone got killed, and we all lived happily ever after. The End.

Lavos Core chuckled, then threw his hands into the air sayin' ayoooooooo baby leeeeeeeeeeeet's go. The roar of Lavos sounded again, and the bits appeared as the chamber we stood in faded out. When our sight returned to us, we were floating in a vortex of swirling green energy. Unlike the game, the bits and core didn't stand in a perfectly straight line, and even moved about the battle field, ruining the "Falcon Hit" strategy we had planned on using.

As the final battle began, I could hear a strange groaning noise that seemed to rotate around me, and as Robo attacked the "Defense Bit" (as I dubbed the one that originally was to the left of the attack bit)

Which is also it's fucking name.

with Uzzi Punch, a staccato almost drum-like noise began to sound from the vortex. As I joined in the destruction of the Defense Bit, I realized I was hearing the boss fight song emanating from all around us.

It's such a stupidly minor detail that annoys me because he bothered to mention it, but also annoys me because I'm still annoyed by it's inclusion.

As we destroyed the Defense Bit the first time, after dodging several spells and boulders from the middle "Attack Bit" (but still getting struck by some of them), the strangled cry from the song cried out, at just the right time. As the others kept the Attack Bit busy, I kept watch of the "Life Bit," the one that contained the essence of Lavos Core, until I saw it shine green and release the shield it protected itself with to power up for reviving the Defense Bit.

As one we charged up and attacked, unleashing an Elemental Barrage on it to test its defenses. It shrieked in pain (again, in time with the music), and backed away behind the Attack Bit. We ignored its attempt at hiding itself from us by attacking through the Attack Bit with the stronger Omega Barrage. The Attack Bit disintegrated as the vortex seemed to shift slightly to reveal an area from Ayla's time. Only a few seconds after the temporal shift, the Life Bit revived the other two bits, and I was surprised to discover that they came back stronger, or rather, faster.

Alright, I realize the background changes in the final boss, but can we avoid going through each change? You proved whatever point you were trying to make earlier when you hijacked the narrative to katana fight Sephiroth.

While Ayla, Robo, and Crono attempted to take down the Defense Bit as quickly as they possibly could, Magus and I were charging up a Shadow Flare combo, to be unleashed at the destruction of the Defense Bit. Lucca, Glenn, and Marle were keeping the Attack Bit busy, attempting to dodge it's large fists and bolts of lightning from its "Crying Heavens" spell. As soon as we heard the shriek of the Defense Bit dying again, we unleashed our spell, just as the Life Bit restored its defensive shield.
The spell was an area spell, thanks to its spell components being two area spells, so while it didn't do much to the Life Bit, it did deal a significant portion of damage to the Attack Bit, allowing Glenn and Marle to throw a "Frozen Tundra" spell at it. The spell impacted heavily on the giant stone the Attack Bit had summoned, shattering it before it could be used as part of the "Grand Stone" attack.

These are the exact same set of paragraphs that you wrote when detailing the other boss fights, just slightly reworded and against different people.

The chips of ice and rock pelted the Bit, but didn't destroy it. Lucca and Robo performing "Fire Tackle," however, did. Once again, the Life Bit released its shield, and we unleashed another Omega Barrage at it. The reason we didn't use the Ultimate Barrage was because it used every drop of magic we had after we used it, and that would leave us horribly vulnerable as we scrambled to heal up.

It also would've made the fight shorter, and for something as “epic” as this last final confrontation, we can't have that. Forty minute broadway or nothing.

This time, as the Bits were revived, the scenery shift from Prehistory, to AD 1000. More specifically, it showed Leene's Bell in Leene Square. The Defense and Attack Bits were revealed to be just as fast as they had been last time they were revived, but this time, they seemed a bit tougher, as evidenced when Lucca's Wondershot didn't seem to deal much damage to the Attack Bit. So this time, we had five people working on killing the Defense Bit, while the other three tried to hurt the Life Bit again.

You cannot hurt the Life Bit until the others are dead. Your plan is stupid and you are a charlatan.

Ayla, Robo, Crono, Glenn, and I used as many physical combos as we could on the Defense Bit, when we were blindsided by the Attack Bit... Singing...
The sound that emerged from the Attack Bit could only be loosely referred to as singing, in that it changed pitch several times, but otherwise was akin to "nails on a chalkboard."

Was he singing some sort of contemporary ©rap like Kan-gay West or Lil Gayne? If he was singing Queen I doubt you would've minded.

I use quotes because I've never actually heard the dreaded noise. Anyway, it seemed that the sound had some adverse affects on most of the party: Robo became confused, I was "poisoned" (really, it just made me want to throw up a great deal), Ayla was unconscious, Lucca's glasses cracked badly (luckily, she had a spare pair), and Crono was gripping his head in pain, unable to concentrate.

Yep, sounds like Kanye to me.

Thankfully, only a single Heal item was required, as Ayla apparently had learned a mass-status effect cure spell combo with Marle thanks to her new spell-casting ability.

How convenient!

We then returned to battle against the Defense Bit, a well placed Cleave from Crono (he decided to rename"Spincut") split the Bit in half. We then decided that it would be too much of a hassle to try and do the same to the Attack Bit as well, and hoped that if it didn't have to be regenerated, it wouldn't get the bonuses from the Time Shifts.

We unleashed another Omega Barrage as the Life Bit lowered its defenses again, followed quickly by our last Megalixir. Ignoring the Attack Bit seemed to be enough of a strategy that we were able to unleash another Omega Barrage before the Defense Bit was revived.

All your concern about being “overpowered” is laughable, considering this fight takes about 15 minutes with three characters using their normal, not bullshit spells.

And this time, it was revived with an image of Lab 16, from AD 2300, behind it. Once again, the Bit seemed tougher, but it was more that it seemed to defend itself better than being able to last longer. It also seemed to be hitting more often with its rare charges. Unfortunately, the Attack Bit seemed to get the same upgrade, as its attack spells and its physical attack seemed to be able to hit better.

We still continued to ignore the Attack Bit, after Lucca and Magus cast Barrier and Protect spells on us, and Marle, Glenn, and Ayla casting Cure spells on us as we beat on the Defense Bit. The Defense Bit seemed to not care about the damage we were inflicting to it, and instead cast its own kind of "Cure" spell on the Life Bit and Attack Bit at the same time. We continued pummelling the Defense Bit for all we could, without using any magic, which made things tougher, but still doable. The Defense Bit disintegrated again just as the Life Bit restored its shield, causing us to have to wait for a while before we could attack it effectively. We took this opportunity to pass out two Elixirs to everyone, one for each of the probable remaining eras we would have to fight in.

Meanwhile the Attack Bit just stood there jacking off and hoping no one would notice.

As the Life Bit dropped its barrier, the Attack Bit unleashed a strange attack involving the formation of triangles that I recalled as being named "Dreamreaver, the ultimate magic attack." We screamed in pain, Marle, Glenn, and Ayla quickly casting a mass Full-Cure spell as soon as they recovered from the pain itself. Then we had just enough time to strike the Life Bit with an Omega Barrage before the background changed to show the Mammon Machine and some of the decorations from Zeal, showing that we were now fighting in 12,000 BC. The Age of Magic.

Which makes no difference other than aesthetically.

My fears on the Core's new strength was not unfounded, as the Attack Bit pointed a hand at me and I was struck by the lightning of the "Crying Heavens," sending me to my knees.

Hey now, that's Magus' job!

We could not afford to let him cast the Dreamreaver again, considering how much damage it had done to us before, and how much stronger it would likely be if it managed to cast it again. I healed myself with an explosion of flame, which I then redirected at the Life Bit, just as it revived the Defense Bit. We cast another quick Omega Barrage (since the Defense Bit was already at full health, it couldn't get much stronger) and then chugged down one of our Elixirs as the Life Bit reaised its shields.

If your “Omega Barrage” is just everyone's ultimate spells, then theoretically you can do up to four of them without having to heal. You're supposed to be at level ** so your HP/MP and everyone else's should have maxed out long before now. Also at which point this boss should be a cakewalk.

The Omega Barrage had a bonus, though: the Attack Bit had been hit indirectly from enough Omega Barrages that it was destroyed by that one, which guaranteed us to
be safe from the Dreamreaver spell until the next revive.

Attacking from as many directions as possible, we cut, punched, and shot the Defense Bit until it was destroyed again, just as the Life Bit released its shield. Nodding to each other, we gathered our magic for another Ultimate Barrage, causing the Life Bit to scream in pain as it... disintegrated! It cried out with the final scream of Lavos as it disappeared. It was wordless, but I could almost hear it crying out "No, this cannot be!"

Yes it can. Don't you cast that voodoo on me, Lavos, this is four of four, we're done.

Once it was gone, and we drank down our final Elixirs, the swirling background began shifting again, taking on the features of each era we had visited, plus AD 600, starting from 65 Million until it reached 2300. And everything then turned white, our victory gained, and we were returned to AD 1000. The world of Chronos had been saved at last, and Lavos would trouble it no longer.

At least, not as Lavos...


"Anything I can do to help?" 

"Short of dying? No, can't think of a thing."

-Morden, Emissary of the Shadows, and Vir Cotto, Centauri Attaché, Babylon 5, Episode 15, Season 3

Good choice. That's my favorite episode of Space Drama Sci-fi That's Totally Not Just a Star Trek Clone.

A/N: And here we are, Lavos is dead, and I've left a bit of a "You Should Know This Already" cliffie.

Ok, yep, so the audience was Chrono fans.

So why the hell would a Chrono fan read this? It was boring, tedious dreck that focused more on the author's self-inserts and original characters than on the characters people actually like. The author was so ignorant of the source material that anyone who's played five minutes into the game could find a massive glaring plothole at least once. All of the great moments and dialog that drew people to the series in the first place were replaced with ham-handed attempts at romance and “epicness” by an illiterate fuckwit who's main inspiration is Babylon Fucking 5. There was no Frog cutting the mountain, there was no seeing Zeal get blown out of the sky, there was no music, there was no Toriyama, and anything the author added that was supposed to contribute to this story fell flatter than all of the “epic” dialog and speeches that Bardick thinks he can write.

This fic is the greatest travesty to hit the Chrono fanbase since Crimson Echoes.

There are now only two chapters remaining until the end of this story and then I'll try and find time to write the sequel, which I have decided to call "Crossing Chronos." Originally, it was going to be "Old Friends, New Enemies," but the eponymous character would barely show up in the story, so I scrapped that title.

I don't think you know what the word “eponymous” means.

Also, A Step Onto Chronos has it's own page on the TV Tropes Wiki! It's page is a href:/Main/AStepOntoChronos here/a. And if the link didn't show up (experimenting with html code, to see if it works on ff(dot)net), here's the link spelled out: http(colon)(slash)(slash)tvtropes(dot)org(slash)pmwiki(slash)pmwiki(dot)php(slas
h)Main(slash)AStepOntoChronos. Unfortunately, I need help in figuring out some of the relevant tropers my story has within it, so if my delightful readers could help me out, I'd be very grateful. I'll start work on Epilogue 1 soon!

There's nothing on there that's really noteworthy. A blithe summary and the revelation that he made a Ranma ½ reference. Who cares.

So let me summarize these last two chapters: Joe and Friends went into the Black Omen, fought some enemies, did X at this location, fought another enemy, came up with another Barrage, then spammed that and copy/pasted it several times over to give the illusion of content. With some slight alterations in the tactics, this was the layout: Elixir-Barrage-Megalixir-Barrage-Oop New Battle-Barrage.

Thankfully, this is the last time we're going to slog through another Bardick Knowledge battle scene. I'm gonna finish the last two chapters. His “sequel” only has two chapters and hasn't been actively updated since 2009, so I don't think I'll hit that one up. The best is yet to come though.

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Post #26

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post Jul 23 2015, 09:58 AM
We're doing it, man. We're making it happen. 8y

A Step Onto Chronos Epilogue 1


After math, there is Gym class. Can Joe conquer his greatest challenge yet?

Shadic the Hedgehog

"Mmmm," I moaned as I stretched. I had had the most interesting dream, involving magic and dragons and adventure. Of course, it paled in comparison to the adventure I had just finished with Crono and the gang.

It would've been really really funny, albeit really really sad, had this all been a dream.

As I sat up and looked around, I recognized the couch I was sleeping on as the couch Crono had slept on the night the two of us discussed the Invincibles.

Crono was sleeping on the couch because Marle was a Man U fan.

I swung my legs over the edge of the couch and stood up, sighing in appreciation as my back popped several times.

"That had to feel good," commented a voice over my shoulder.

"Oh, it did," I replied, turning to find Lucca already dressed for the day. I had, apparently, slept in my clothes, so I had little need to get dressed in order to be ready.
Little did Joe know that someone stuck an unwrapped Airhead on his bed, smushing it into the sleeve of his shirt and making him look very foolish in front of my entire class.

I mean, what?

"Have any interesting dreams?"

"Oh, a few. You?"

"One, really, but it was more interestingly odd than anything else."
”I had a dream that Yuji Horii came over to my house to help me with my Japanese homework. He was a real jerk though and kept demanding that I bring up the stuff to be translated faster and faster and chainsmoked in my living room. He finally translated the word "arigato" for me, then left and stole a puppy I was taking care of. The puppy ran away from him and jumped in an RV, then drove it into a nearby lake where he was rescued by a migrant worker. What was yours about?"

"Any idea what we should do now?"

"I propose we speak with King Guardia about Crono's deeds across time. I thought you had already seen the ending?"

"I did, but that doesn't mean there aren't other things to be done." She blushed suddenly and I laughed at her inadvertent statement. She retaliated by slapping me on the arm.

Wha? Was that somehow an innuendo that even I missed?

"Hey, you thought it, not me."

Thought what? Are you giggling about her using the word “done?” Are you that desperate to fit it in (that's what she said) that you need to stretch context that badly?

We headed out the door, and the Epoch was sitting there, waiting for us. "So, who should we get first?"

"I'd say Doan, since we don't know how long it will take for Lavos' death to change things, and go back from there."

Every other instance of messing with the time line leads me to believe that it happens instantaneously, but if Bardick's head hurts trying to make sense of the ending to Chrono Trigger, then let me not further frustrate the special needs child.

"Alright. But remember, first we must tell the king about our plans."

Nah, just show up at the castle gates with an army of people. It'll be an awesome prank, trust me.

"Right." The two of us left the house and found the Epoch conveniently parked outside. We hopped in and sped to Castle Guardia, where we spoke to the King.

"Oh, hello, you two. And what are you doing here?"

"We wanted to get your permission for a plan," I replied.


”See, there's this kid in my gym class named Ryan, and—Oh, wait, the other plan.”

"Yes, sire. You see, we have defeated Lavos recently, and everyone has been transplanted back to their original times. We had a thought about a festival to celebrate saving the world, as well as a surprise for Marle, er, Princess Nadia, and Crono. We plan on travelling through time and collecting everyone, plus the leaders of the different eras, which includes your distant ancestors and descendents."

"This is... a monumental undertaking. Arranging a festival may take a few days, but it could be done."

Joe: So we're gonna throw a big party and invite all of your dead relatives.
King: Ok, cool.

He turned to one of the soldiers by the throne. "You there, check the princess's room and see if she's there. If she's asleep, don't wake her. If she isn't there, don't panic. We're dealing with time travel, so she may have arrived after they did."

Exactly how much has happened since the last chapters? And why did Lucca and Joe get teleported back before the others? The game kind of gives the indication that at least a little time had passed before the final scene.

I blinked as the soldier saluted and made for the stairs. "You're quite knowledgeable of time travel, sire. I'm somewhat surprised."

"I had a visitor the other day." He turned to the stairs to his room. "You may come out now." And down the stairs walked Robo-Belthasar. "He came to me in a vehicle similar to yours, informing me of your victory. The Starlight Festival is already being set up, and you won't need to visit the far future: Guru Belthasar has already brought Doan and Sir Robo with him. You two can get my royal and other ancestors and come back here."

I guess that covers one plot hole, but it opens up a lot more chicanery than what was already there, i.e., Robo-Belthasar being alive, and Belthasar not being in his real body.
You know what. After 26 chapters, I've actually grown tired of pointing out his plot holes. Let's just roll with whatever Bardick says.

Robo-Belthasar raised his hand, "I came back earlier than you because I 'felt' the time line change as Lavos died. Everything in AD 2300 as it was is gone, and -" He glanced over to the opposite stairwell before ducking behind the King's throne. The soldier had returned. He saluted and informed us that Nadia, that is Marle, had indeed returned and was asleep.

The King turned to us and nodded. "Now, what was the rest of your plan?"

Well first thing's first; we're gonna need two planes and a lot of jet fuel...

"Ahem. Right. After collecting the other heroes and your distant relatives, we would send a guard to Crono's house to wake him and bring him here, using his trial as a reason." I said.
"Wait," Lucca interrupted, "I told Crono about this back in Zeal. It's not going to work that way. We'll need something else to bring him in."

Well way to just ruin all of Joe's hard work, Lucca. I hope your parents get divorced.

The King smiled. "How about an engagement?" We blinked and looked up at him. "I may be old, but I know love when I see it, and that young man and my daughter are most definitely in love. You two go collect our guests. I will make arrangements for Crono to join us in the castle."

Hell, just leave a trail of candy that leads to the castle. He won't suspect a thing.

We Nazi saluted and left, hurrying into the Epoch and took off for the past. We collected King Guardia and directed Glenn to the Time Gate. Glenn made sure that Magus was told, and the King knew, but couldn't believe, that the "Enemy of All That Lives" was now a Hero of Time. We took the King with us back to 65,000,000 BC to meet Kino and Ayla, taking Kino in the Epoch while Ayla headed for the Gate at Tyrano Palace.

And then they all went out for ice cream, which Ayla, being the Silly Billy that she is, thought was Reptite poop. Everyone laughed at her confusion.

We returned to Castle Guardia, AD 1000, and led the previous leaders into the throne room. We left the dignitaries and Lucca to their scheming and headed for Leene Square to pick up Glenn, Magus, and Ayla from the Gate, and to keep the Epoch out of view of Crono. After picking them up, we hovered above and behind Crono's house until he was picked up by the guards (the journey was made by horse and carriage, so it was much faster than by foot), then followed a ways behind the cart.

That sounds like stalking. But that can't be the case, since Joe would never do something creepy like that!

After Crono made it into the castle, we landed outside and followed after.

We met Robo-Balthasar and Robo at the entrance as we heard Marle squeal in delight. We approached the big doors and started listening in.

“No no, son, that isn't how you stimulate the G-Spot!” the King protested. “Here, let me show you.”

"Yes, yes. We're very happy for you both. But that isn't the only reason I have called you here, Sir Crono. Congratulations on saving the future of our world," said the King, smile evident in his voice.

"...What?" Marle suddenly went quiet.

"You saved the future, and taught us how to have hope," said Doan.

”You also taught Robo how to love, which has been kind of annoying to be honest.”

"You defeated Magus's troops," Magus snorted," and restored peace to the year 600," said King Guardia XXI.

"Crono beat Reptites!" cheered Kino, Ayla nodding in agreement with us.

I'm shocked that someone other than Joe got some of the credit.

"Wh-what's going on?" asked the bewildered princess. "Why are you all here?" Lucca came out and laughed. "Lucca! Did you bring them all here?" Lucca apparently nodded in response, because the next person to talk was King Guardia XXXIII.

"You undertook quite the daunting mission. These past and future members of our line told me much about it."

"Members of our line? You mean...?"

...all of the people that just introduced themselves, yes Marle, that is what the King meant. Good job keeping up.

"Yes. Here I was fussing about rules and worried you would never come back, when you were saving the past, present, and future of our world! Everyone, could you please come in?" We entered, single file, in order of era, with Magus leading before Glenn, and Robo-Balthasar before Robo. We stood alongside Lucca, Crono, except Robo-Belthasar who moved beside Doan. "Now, before these rulers of the world, we dub the eight of you the Heros of Time, and grant you the titles of Dukes and Duchesses in all of our kingdoms. May your legend transcend the ages we rule."

Coming This Fall: Duke Lucca Forever. Only for the PC.

After a while of rejoicing and signing papers and things to make our titles official, King Guardia XXXIII clapped his hands to get our attention.

Must be nice to be a duke in a kingdom that's about to be destroyed.

"Now, I do believe that a celebration is in order. Tonight, we celebrate the death of Lavos, and the life of the world!" We were led off by various servants to get dressed in attire befitting our new titles, which none of us particularly enjoyed.

The man doing the outfits turned out to be the very same man that made my adventuring outfit. He greeted me with a smile and discussed my outfit. Turns out that my worries of over-done frills and other unnecessary details was mostly unfounded. I still had to wear a cape, but it was otherwise like a business suit. And it was black and red, which made me happy, the red covering more than the black, unlike my usual outfit.

That sounds like a particularly horrid outfit to where. Not that I'm really an expert on such matters.

As I returned to the entrance hall, I saw the others, dressed in colours related to their elements: Marle was in her usual dress, only in a light blue, as she stood next to Crono in a white outfit. Ayla's fur bikini was exchanged for a green suit similar to Crono's (apparently she steadfastly refused to be in something that would hamper her movements),

And with that in mind, she chose a suit over a dress?

and she stood beside Robo, who remained wearing nothing but Atropos's ribbon, though he was much shinier than usual. Glenn wore a yellow suit fitted to his froggy form, while Magus leaned against the wall in a pitch-black outfit similar to his original suit. Finally, I saw Lucca, who was looking radiant in a bright red, sparkly gown. Kino and Doan were wearing brown versions of the formal suit.

Again, far be it from me to be the one to criticize fashion, but...all of that sounds terrible.

We all travelled in style to Leene Square, where we joined in a parade around the fairgrounds before we were introduced to the populace under our titles, along with Robo showing a video of Lavos and the battle against him. He simulated the voice of Lavos, translating the psychic voice into an audio one.

Joe joined in near the end with a series of crude shadow puppets and inappropriate sound effects.

We then joined in the festivities reminiscent of the Millenial Fair of three months previous, with the prehistoric music now actually being played by people from then, namely Ayla and Kino.

When they informed Joe that they couldn't perform a cover of Hare Hare Yukai, he sulked off into the woods and started a few fires.

At midnight, the visitors from out of time travelled with the party to the Telepods, which were shining with technicolour lights like the rest of the fairgrounds.

"Well, everyone," Lucca said. "This is it."

"The time to depart is upon us," Glenn lamented.

"Now that Lavos is gone, the Progress is sealing the eras from each other," agreed Magus.

The next person to mention the Progress or Bardic's original characters is getting an RKO.

"So we have to say goodbye while they're still open," I added. "Gaspar will meet you guys on the other side and direct you to your own times. But don't worry. We'll still be able to visit every once in a while with the Epoch."

Kino and Ayla moved beside the Gate first.

"Crono, Marle, everyone, strong! Ayla... I... had... fun!" said Ayla, stumbling over the use of proper grammar.

Ayla just earned more Reptite Poop, and her language coach just earned a bonus.

Marle giggled, "You guys are my distant ancestors, so you guys better have strong kids!"

If they're not lifting by the time they're five, then you've failed them as parents.

Kino laughed, "No worry! Ayla have big energy!"

"She does at that!" Marle blinked. "Wait, what?"

Ayla shoved Kino into the Gate. "Kino dumb! Ayla go now!" She ran in after him. Lucca and I laughed as Glenn and King Guardia XXI approached the Gate.

”And remember to have a good sex life,” Marle shouted at the two males.

"Quite the exuberant lot, hm?" Glenn chuckled. "And to think, we are their descendents."

"The queen awaits us, Duke MacDougal. Shall we be off?" replied the 21st King.

"Of course, Your Majesty. But, please, call me Glenn." They walked through the Gate themselves, Magus moving up.

"I must say," he started. "That despite our initial meeting, I have grown... used to you. Don't die."

"Going to look for Schala?" I asked.

”Also, sorry for the whole 'my girlfriend threatening to light you on fire' thing. You know how these broads get.”

"Perhaps. I shall return to my original time, and if I find a way to look about the time stream for her, I shall. Otherwise, I will look over the Last Village and help them grow."

”By force, if necessary.”

"See you."

"Indeed." And with that, he was gone. Finally, Doan and Robo approached the Gate.

"The future is different. I can tell from here," said Robo.

"Do you think... There's a place there for you?" asked Lucca.

I wouldn't worry about that. Robo's already got a four year degree in communications, I'm sure he'll find work somewhere.

"Yes. I started this journey with naught but my original programming, but travelling alongside you, and farming that forest for four hundred years has changed me enough that I can feel things. And I feel that there is a place for Doan and myself in that future."

"I'll miss you, you know that, right?"

Joe then embraced Robo, and whispered in his ear that he would miss him least of all.

"And I shall miss you, as well. But you are not alone here, you know this. And you can visit whenever you want. We worked hard for that future. I shall enjoy it, especially since I know how it could have turned out."

I turned to Robo-Belthasar, who stood back, away from the Gate. "And what about you?"

He turned from side to side, clearly shaking his head no. "Unlike them, I have no place there. There is another me who I has his own life to live without my interference. I shall stay here, and help your people."

Dude, you're a fucking robot with another guy's brain, chill out.

I nodded sadly, then turned back to Lucca and Robo as they hugged before Robo went into the Gate himself.

As Crono's cat ran in, I caught him and started petting him, letting before passing him off to Crono as Mrs. Trigaru came in. Crono talked to his mom, introducing her personally to Marle, as we had all been introduced to the populace earlier (including the engagement of Princess Nadia Guardia to Duke Crono Trigaru).

Fun fact: Trigger in Nihongers is not “Trigaru,” it's “Toriga.” It's still a terrible last name, but it looks at least a bit better than what Bardick came up with.

As he did so, I watched the Gate close.

"And that's the end of that chapter of our story," I commented. "Now a new one begins."

And this one will have even more pointless “flavor text” at the end.

"We've become heroes. Now, let's be people," said Marle.

"I wonder how our story will end?" asked Crono.

"Hopefully, peacefully," Lucca said.


And we walked off to main fairgrounds, for the hanging of Nadia's Bell.

As well as the hanging of a Chorisian who had the audacity to look at a Guardian girl.

May our prayers for peace ring on for eternity.

"Best friends can be inseparable even when they're apart."

-Axel, the Flurry of Dancing Flames, Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days

Not only is he into every piece of popular nerd culture dating back to the seventies, but Bardick also apparently loves Fanfic the Video Game Franchise.

A/N: And here's the first epilogue. One more chapter and I'll be done.


I've spent five years on this story and I'll be kinda sad to see it be done. At least there will be a sequel to look forward to, right?


I hope for some reviews! I didn't get any last chapter, and my TV Tropes page has only been updated by me! Please, let me know there are people reading this!

There's one person reading this. And it's me. And I'm stupid. So take that for what you will.

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Post #27
Johannes Zukertort


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post Jul 24 2015, 02:17 AM
I'm unsure if there is a word to use to describe the autism that emanates from this piece.
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Post #28

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post Jul 24 2015, 04:04 AM
QUOTE (truthordeal @ Jul 23 2015, 02:58 PM) *
I've spent five years on this story and I'll be kinda sad to see it be done.

Five years.

I can't tell if that's incredibly hilarious or the saddest thing I've read in all week.

This post has been edited by Dashguy: Jul 24 2015, 04:04 AM
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Post #29

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post Aug 2 2015, 09:45 AM

It's a NEW DAY, yes it is!

Here it is: the final chapter of Bardic Knowledge/Shadic the Hedgehog's masturbatory train wreck disguised as a Chrono Trigger fanfiction. There's been a lot of blood, sweat and tears vomit along the way, and in reading through this thing we've seen a steady descent into the absolute worst of popular nerd culture (leaving me only wondering how our lovely author missed the opportunity to make a Portal reference). So bear with me, for one final score, as we embrace the power of positivity and slay this monster for good.

A Step Onto Chronos Epilogue 2

The Biggest Wedding of All Time

Shadic the Hedgehog

Five Years Later...

64,999,995 BC

...So close.

"Beginning final testing sequence!" called Lucca. She stood beside a control panel emblazoned with six symbols, a fist, a Nu, a sword, a gun, a robot, and a clock,

As well as a tasteful nude of Hatsune Miku,

arranged around a large red button. She pressed the fist symbol, then the clock, then glanced at the large ring across from her as she pressed the red button. The ring began to glow blue, before the long-missed noise of a Time Gate opening sounded. "Eye of Time activation complete, now sending through test object." I pressed a button on Gato III's back and he marched forward. The original Gato, as well as Gato II, had been wrecked during earlier tests.

Gato III passed through the Eye, as we occasionally referred to the machine. Its official designation was the "Eye of Time," but calling it "the Eye" worked just as well.

Oh man, I hope that isn't a reference to some fantasy/sci-fi story/game/fanfic.

Oh no, it is. Bardick did that thing I was hoping he wasn't. Foiled again.

The device was designed to work as a time machine that could transport a great deal of people at time, rather then ferrying everyone through time with the Epoch. Right now we were testing to see if we could send Gato III to The End of Time, as we had successfully sent him to every other era we had programmed in. The Eye was made with the combined intelligence of Lucca and Eon, who was once referred to as Robo-Belthasar, using the remains of Lavos, as they were heavily charged with temporal energy.

So instead of Belthasar's memories and consciousness being put into a harmless Nu-Robot, you put him into the body of the creature that almost destroyed the world.

It had taken a year alone to use the Epoch to transport enough pieces of Lavos's shell, then another year to put everything together properly. And that was after a year of planning the whole thing.

The logistics and costs of which were covered by the American government.


Now there was an "Eye of Time" that existed in every time period (though we weren't entirely sure on The End of Time, not until Gato III came back), though the only way to activate it would be with a special key that was to be given to the Ayla and Kino, who would pass it down to their descendants/the leaders of the world, (save for Zeal, in which case, the person in charge of it would be an Earthbound). This would be done to prevent the Eye from being activated for unnecessary reasons and polluting the time stream.

Hey yeah, let's give a key to travel through time to all of the leaders of the world (except for Zeal where that suddenly won't happen because they'll somehow know better) to avoid polluting the time stream! What a genius idea, Joe, I don't know how you guys do it!

There was a second key, but it would belong to our family, to accomplish the same ends.

That seems incredibly arrogant and dangerous considering one of the people in that “family” probably still giggles at the name of the Nintendo Wii.

Eon and Gaspar had already projected the changes to the time stream, and found the changes would be minimal, though Magus would have had an extra motivation in the Mystic War in attempting to capture the Time Key from Guardia so that he could return home faster.

His death toll eventually hit the one million mark, as one-third of Guardia's population lay dead and dislocated. But it all turned out ok in the end, I suppose.

One of the commandments of carrying the Time Key would be that it was only to be used in the absolute direst of emergencies, a prolonged war not counting. This clause was to prevent King Guardia (any of them) from using the Eye to get help.

And as we have seen, the Kings of Guardia have absolutely impeccable judgment and have never been misled by their Chancellors or other notable officials.

After a few moments, Gato III came back out of the Eye, and played the Final Fantasy Victory Fanfare I had programmed into him (I had learned a lot from Lucca and Eon over the years).

Not included in this fic is the heartwarming tale of Joe finally overcoming the adversity of shoelaces with Eon by his side.

"Well, it looks like we're done with the Eye of Time. Shall we go home?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm sure Crono and Marle are taking good care of Rosa while we're here, but I think it's finally time to head back," Lucca agreed.

How the hell did Tidus' daughter get involved in this situation?

We started towards loading Gato III on the Epoch, when I decided to use the Eye instead. I should probably explain who Rosa is. About a year ago, during one of our breaks from the Gateway Project (the preliminary name)(patent pending), Lucca and I were walking through Guardia Forest, when we came upon an abandoned baby girl. We took her back home with us to Lucca's, but the only bit of identification she had was an amulet that had been glowing brightly, and her blanket had the word "Kid" sewn into it. I protested naming her such, because who names a child "kid?" That's like naming a kitten "kitty!" So we brainstormed a while and decided to name her Rosa.

I refuse to parse that. Her name is Buttz23.

Lucca and I were engaged by this point, though neither of us had done anything inappropriate with each other yet, and we had been making plans with Crono and Marle for a double wedding at the Cathedral in AD 600.

Is there really anything considered “inappropriate” by the time you're engaged? Or are you just a simple minded kissless weeb? I'd say find out next time, but thankfully that won't be necessary.

We had so far planned to invite almost everyone we had met throughout time, which meant that first we had to finish the Eye of Time. Now we were returning to our time to finalize the plans and invitations.

Ayla, not understanding the scribbles on her invitation but nonetheless being amused by the bright colors, toyed with her invitation much in the way a cat does with a dead mouse.

Going back to the Castle was bit of a walk, because we had placed the Eye of Time at the place the Epoch would stop when travelling from the End of Time. As this spot included the spot Lavos was supposed to rise in AD 1999, this would mean that the Eye would be destroyed in the bad future, though it was still standing in the good future, as we had found by sending Gato III through (We had to keep it quick, though, due to reasons explained later).

Ten bucks says that doesn't get explained later.

Gato III and I approached the Time Dial and I inserted the Time Key, which caused the red button in the middle to glow. I pushed the buttons for with the rock and gun, then pressed the red button. I sent Gato III on ahead before I pulled the Key out, knowing that I had just under a minute before the Gate would close and I had to do the procedure over again. It wasn't much of a hassle to actually push the buttons, but, as we discovered in an early test, if the Gate in the Eye shut as someone was partway through, only that part would be sent through time.

I wonder which poor sap they sacrificed to discover that little flaw.

Oh no. Where's Chrono's cat?

On the other side, Gato III was already making his way to Lucca's house to shut down, while Lucca arrived in the Epoch to pick me up and take me to the castle, where we would speak with Crono and Marle, then take Buttz23 home. By the end of the day, we had finalized our plans for the wedding. We had previously asked Melchior to be the minister, even though Spekkio wanted to do it. We argued back with the fact that he was known as the God of War, not the God of Love and Peace, and he relented.

Meanwhile, Melchior, the dude who sells swords for a living, was the perfect choice.

Melchior had decided on a ceremony that was ancient in the time of Zeal, but felt it was somehow appropriate for the marriage of time travellers. He had also asked Magus for a hand, as it was originally written for a single couple's wedding, rather than the double wedding we were planning.

Magus is also an obvious selection. No one screams “love and peace” quite as much as Magus.

You have to wonder what evil deed Joe thinks Spekkio did to him to warrant this Robo-level treatment.

The wedding itself was planned to end just a few hours before the start of the fifth Starlight Festival, which was the next week. That day was full of great things, but there was one sour note for the Heroes of Time: at the exact moment that Lavos was defeated, we could hear its dying scream, no matter the time period we were in.

What a weird, morbid, and ultimately irrelevant detail to include.

Lucca and I flew Buttz23 home in the Epoch, something she had taken a while to get accustomed to, and landed in the back yard. Lucca's house had been expanded a bit, to add on a room for myself and one for Buttz23, plus another two for when she and any potential siblings she might have to move into after they got old enough.

You've been dating for five years now and you're still not sleeping in the same room together? Lack of “inappropriate things” notwithstanding, I doubt there has been a person in history as prudish as you are.

After the week had passed, everything was finally set for the wedding. We retrieved the guests in order of era, with all of the prehistoric people first, including a couple Reptites that had made peace with them. Next came the people of Antiquity, the "Earthbound" and "Enlightened Ones" arriving as one group, the differences between the two now almost negligible, though the ones who used to be "Enlightened Ones" had a bit more variety to their hair colour than the "Earthbound," once the dye in their hair started to wash out.

Next up, we brought the people of AD 1000 to AD 600. Lucca and I had previously visited AD 2300 to speak with Doan, Robo, and Atropos, especially after the wedding was finally put together, but the only people who were interested in meeting us were Doan, Robo, Atropos, and Belthasar. So with Magus, that made five people out of several million who wanted to travel to the past.

I would be personally offended that millions of people I never met didn't want to attend my wedding. Don't take that shit lying down, Joe; burn down a few houses.

The new 2300 was an interesting place, with plenty of tall towers made of some form of crystals.

Eon's house was replaced by a large academy building built around the Eye of Time, which was used as part of their study. Apparently, Lucca's massive intelligence wasn't passed down the generations, because the Eye of Time was far more advanced than anything the people of 2300 could build.

Easy now, Bardick. There's only enough room in this story for one Mary Sue.

The Key had also apparently been lost, which had contributed to their confusion.

Did I call it or what? Good work dumbass!

As such, we had to use the Epoch to carry Magus and the rest back to the wedding. Gaspar and Spekkio also travelled to AD 600 with the Eye, so we could ignore then.

So much for the “let's not pollute the time stream by giving everyone a key” plan.

Everyone assembled at the Cathedral, which King Guardia XXI, Queen Leene, and Duke Glenn had modified to allow several planets worth of people to attend by opening the front of it completely, and breaking down the wall of the secret area Yakra had lived in.

Priceless amounts of history and architecture were ruined. But at least it was done for the quintessential good cause of Joe's wedding.

Melchior, Gaspar, Eon, and Belthasar were happy to see each other, trading theories and tales for a while,

Gaspar: If Eon and Belthasar were to do it, would it be gay sex or masturbation?

Melchior: I suppose it would depend on the degree to which their testicles interact.

Belthasar: Interesting. I guess the only way to find out is through thorough experimentation.

before Melchior moved up to the raised platform we would be using, a short sword in his sash. Magus stood beside him with another short sword on his belt.

"If I may have everyone's attention, please?" Every stopped talking and looked up at Melchior.

"Thank you. I welcome you all to this wedding, which shall be done in the ancient style of our world, from a time before the Age of Antiquity, but long after the Prehistoric Age." He motioned to the Mystic band that was set up off to the side, and they began playing a slow song that was both regal and powerful.

Their orchestral rendition of “Get Low” moved everyone to tears. [color]

As the song began, Crono, Marle, Lucca, and I approached in calm, measured steps. We weren't moving slowly, though, and we reached the stage just as the music ended.

We stood, Crono and I facing each other, while Marle and Lucca faced away from us, just a few steps away, but almost back-to-back with us, otherwise.

[color="#FF0000"]Pretty sure you're supposed to be facing your bride...

Did this story just throw in the plot twist of a life time?

When Melchior and Magus spoke next, they spoke in an old tongue, and I heard both the meaning and the words as they spoke them.

"Hovmey So'Ha' bIngDaq Qam SuvwI'" ("The warrior stands beneath the naked stars.")

Holy shit, please let this be Klingon. That would be just too perfect a way to end this story.


"poSDaq jaghpu' nIHDaq jaghpu' Dat chaHtaH" ("Enemies to the left, Enemies to the right, they are everywhere.")

”fgYRurocmbn'Tpoopie”(”Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”)

"SuvtaH SuvwI' batlh Suv nIteb Suv SuvlaHchu' 'ach Heghbej" ("The warrior fights continuously. He fights with honour. He fights alone. He can fight perfectly but he will certainly die.")

”Q'ecvbnumfoDiKbut” (“Except Joe.”)

"vaj mamuvchuq cha' moj wa' tuq moj cha' mangghom moj tuqmey wo' chen mangghommey" ("Thus, we join one another. One becomes two. Two becomes a household. Houses become armies. Armies build the empire.)

"Crono/Joseph, bISawrup'a'?" ("Crono/Joseph, do you marry her?")

We replied, in the same tongue, "HIja'" ("Yes.")

"Nadia/Lucca, bInayrup'a'?" ("Nadia/Lucca, do you marry him?")

They replied the same, "HIja'" ("Yes.")

Now let the combative foreplay begin!

The four of us took two steps backwards, each, coming closer to actual back-to-back contact with our partners. Melchior and Magus drew the short swords and held them up, Melchior's above Crono and Marle, Magus's above Lucca and I. We each reached up, grasping the hilt of the sword before turning to face each other. Lucca was smiling as we stared into each other's eyes, and I was vaguely aware that I was smiling as well. Magus and Melchior lowered the blades they held to waist level, before placing their free hands atop ours.

So Magus and Melchior are conducting this wedding, speaking entirely in Klingon, which is part of the “ancient Zeal wedding ceremony.” Bardick, you just give me so much material, thank you.

"DaHjaj mobHa' tlhIH. DaHjaj tagh wo'" ("Today, you are un-alone. Today the Empire begins.") Magus withdrew the blade, leaving Lucca and I holding hands, while Melchior did the same with Crono and Marle. 

"pItlh." ("Finished.") As soon as they said that, we both leaned in and kissed each other, for... some time. As the crowd started to cheer, Magus and Melchior shouted three last words.

”pBFagDoUchebg!” (“And fuck Robo!)

"yIn! batlh! Qapla'!"("Life! Honour! Success!")

The crowd's cheers quickly drowned out everything else, as we started back towards the Eye of Time, to celebrate the fifth Starlight Festival, the wedding, and peace.

"And they lived happily ever after."

-Countless fables and fairy tales.

But not this one. You wanna know why?

Everyone fucking dies. That's not some dark wishful thinking either, that's canon. Chrono and Marle are killed in 1005 when the Kingdom is overrun by Porre, and Lucca is killed in 1015 when Lynx and Harle burn down her orphanage. This is FACT, confirmed in Chrono Cross. Which in retrospect makes all of the stupidity in this fic worthwhile.

A/N: And it's done. Of course, I've already said there's going to be a sequel, and some of the issues that come up between the end of this and the beginning of Chrono Cross will be addressed in the prologue of that. It will be entitled "Crossing Chronos," which I might have said before.

That being said, I wouldn't put it past Bardick to conveniently change a few details to prevent him and his waifu from dying, so they can form a happy family with Buttz23, making Chrono Cross yet another Joe-infested train wreck. Hell, I'd wager that he singlehandedly stops the Fall of Guardia. So long as I don't read “Crossing Chronos” I can pretend otherwise, however.

Also, if anyone gets where I got the wedding ceremony from, kudos to you, though I doubt many Trekkies will be reading this story. The reason is the similar pronunciation of "Chronos" with the name of the planet the ceremony is from. My dad gave me the idea.

Showing this story to others seems like the type of thing you'd only do to people whom you feel respect you too much.

The honeymoon will be left to your imaginations, if you really want to imagine it, but please don't ask me to write anything about it.

I bet their honeymoon will consist of all sorts of inappropriate things, like hand holding or extreme patty-cake.

Goodbye and good night! Or morning. Or whatever.

"Til the next. Live well, all."

-riderofdragons. (Wow, two quotes!)

Postscript: When I started mocking this, I decided to start by getting five or so chapters ahead at any given time, just in case I hit writer's block or was in a bad mood and couldn't deal with the stupid shit Bardick says. I managed to keep that up as I went along because it gave me a chance to edit and proofread these over time, making them better than they would have been (I still can't format for the life of me without several edits). Anyway, this part I'm adding right before I publish this.

I won't be doing his sequel. To be honest it's predictable; yep, he kills Lynx and the entire plot kicks off when a dude, probably one of his fucking OCs again, shoots him. Typical BardicKnowledge writing. But more than it being predictable and terrible, it's incomplete. He did two chapters years ago and then just quit, and if he's not feeling earnestly about it enough to finish it, I don't see why I need to.

So that's that. I've repeated throughout this thing why Bardick's particular brand of stupid was so offensive multiple times, so I'll avoid recapping. The only thing I really don't understand is why on Earth one would write something so boring. I get that people have fantasies where they hang out with their favorite video game characters and even pair themselves up with one. But, you know, they tend to be more interesting. There tends to be some way to force chemistry or what have you. I can't imagine getting that warm fuzzy feeling from writing such impossibly bland dreck. Even in a diary. The only thing I can think of is that he was test-piloting his “Progress” shit to see if it would fly in a normal fictional setting. Oh well. I wash my hands of this author, and shall return when I find something that's different enough from the typical badfics to inspire me.

Until then.

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Oct 8 2015, 06:03 PM

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Post #30

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post Aug 2 2016, 07:17 AM
Hey kids, wanna see a dead body?

For whatever reason, after dealing with the New Testament version of shitty high schoolers, I had a yearning for Bardick's whimsical narcissism and childlike wonder. So, I decided to resurrect this old canard and quickly dispatch the sequel to A Step Onto Chronos, or rather, the two chapters Bardick actually finished. It also just happened to be a year to the day, today, since I finished A Step Onto Chronos. So in the spirit of finishing what I started, I figured that I'd come back here and bring the story of Joe McCord, aka BardickKnowledge, aka Hugh the Weird, the god of fire, hero of time and eater of worlds, to it's final conclusion.

Crossing Chronos

Prologue: Old Friend, New Enemy.

Shadic the Hedgehog

Disclaimer: I don't own anything other than my manga and games

Bardick, in a pocky-induced haze, sold the rest of his earthly possessions in order to purchase a 1:1 scale mint Lucca figurine.

Its been ten years since Lucca and I had gotten married, and things had gone smoothly. Contrary to the dream that I had had after the fight with Magus, I did have a job as the new head of the Square Table guards, while Lucca made special equipment for us to use.

Shortly after he joined, the Square Table became more like the Rounded Rectangle Table, out of fear that Joe would hurt himself on the corners.

Though, there really wasn't anything we had to use them for, as most criminals in Guardia wouldn't dare cause trouble.

Instead they became helpful criminals, guiding old ladies across the street in order to not mug them.

The closest we came to such a problem was when a strange cat-like Mystic tried burning down the house Lucca and I lived in. He had brought some strange monsters I'd never seen before with him, but as I was the reincarnation of the Avatar of Fire, I just put out his fires and ripped his weird lava monsters to shreds. I didn't have to transform to use the powers, thanks to extensive magic training with Spekkio. After I broke the cat Mystic's neck, I thought I had sensed a dragon nearby, but it vanished as I went to look.

And that's how BardicKnowledge decided to handle the orphanage fire from Chrono Cross; just have it not happen because his character is too good at everything.

When I said I was the reincarnation of the "Avatar" of Fire rather than "God" of Fire, was because a few more of Barog's memories had awoken in me, despite having not transformed for nearly fifteen years.

In other words, “I realized that my already intrusive and stupidly conceived original characters were stupidly conceived so now I'm back pedalling.”

Turns out that I was wrong on a few aspects of the "Invincibles," as I had called them. One of the main ones was that their actual over-arching title was "The Avatars of Reality," and each was referred to as the avatar of their element, as opposed to a god. Tailz and Tobies, while actually still the "Reason" and "Power" of Tailies, were usually referred to as the Avatars of Yang and Yin, respectively.

I'm intimately familiar with the original story and all that, and I still have no ideal what that means.

The Mystics of Medina had never heard of the cat-like one, nor had they ever seen anything like the lava creatures. As we hadn't gotten the names, Lucca had started work on a new type of Sight Scope that would give more information than just the vitality of the creature it scanned. Unfortunately, the closest she had gotten was one that would reveal a creature's name and give a strange colour, potentially related to the element of the creature, but no vitality information.

Of course, not knowing the names of any creature, the device labelled everything it scanned as “dickbutt.”

In any case, Crono and his mom had both moved into the castle with Marle and King Guardia, though at this point, Crono and Marle were officially crowned King and Queen of Guardia, with their own daughter, Princess Schala. Magus was touched by his sister's namesake, and a lot of very scary men, and visited us and Crono and Marle whenever the people of the Last Village would give him time to. Unfortunately, he couldn't find her in any time period, not even what was once known as the "Age of the Apocalypse."

That actually reminds me that Joe forgot to explain away the Fall of Guardia. Since he's a memester of outdated Internet humor, I'm just going to assume that he fired his lazor at everyone and they all died.

Speaking of children, Lucca and I had a son, David Taban McCord, to keep going a McCord family tradition, and start a new one. For the four generations before me, the oldest male of the family would alternate the name "Joseph" and "David," while the tradition I was attempting to start was to have the father-in-law's name as the child's middle name.

After 500 years of arbitrary traditions being started, Joseph David Jamal Jesus Ezekiel Jesus Cumfart McCord-Hitler-Clinton was born.

In any case, it was the night of the Fifteenth Starlight Festival, the annual death-scream of Lavos having already passed by that day. Lucca and I were greeting people at the entrance to Leene Square, as it was our year to do so.

After the third or fourth time Joe used the handshake fart machine on someone, he was politely asked to leave.

Ayla was continually being challenged by my guards to arm wrestling, and was winning every time, while Kino watched with a smile. Crono and Marle, or rather, King Crono and Queen Nadia, were watching the children playing, Ayla's son, as always, dominating their game of tag. Or hide-and-seek. Or Fight Club.Or whatever they were playing at the time.

Magus was at the bar, having learned to enjoy alcohol at the wedding reception, where I got him so drunk I managed to persuade him to turn Glenn back into a human. After he had passed through a few other forms, anyways...

Good to see you've gotten over your phobia of alcohol, and that you're not above using it to manipulate people.

Glenn himself was patrolling the grounds for trouble, though there hadn't been a whole lot through the years, one couldn't be too careful.

There might be naked women running around trying to give Joe a heart attack.

Robo had had to arrive in the Epoch every time, occasionally bringing Doan with him (though he said was getting too old for the journey), so we left it with him. Belthasar felt that it would be best for him to remain in the "future," especially as he had joined the Chronopolis Science Academy, where they had been studying the Eye of Time. He promised he wouldn't tell them the actual origins of the device, but would help them study how it works.

Since it's been given to every King in history, shouldn't it be common knowledge how it works? What is there to study?

Spekkio was around somewhere as well, though Gaspar decided to remain at the End of Time, and he was most likely playing games with Norstein Bekkler. Apparently, they were old friends. How, I have no idea, as Bekkler never says anything about his past, and Spekkio would always tell me that it was a secret.

Don't worry, I'm sure you'll fanwank something.

As the swarm of people pretty much stopped, Lucca and I got ready to head in to enjoy the festival as well, when one last person approached wearing a pure-black outfit, wearing sunglasses.


I turned back to welcome him, but he spoke first.

"It's been a long time, McCord," he stated. His voice was in the medium range, but he sounded as though he was trying to make it sound deeper for intimidation purposes.

I glanced questioningly at Lucca for a moment before replying. "Do I know you?"

"What a pity. It seems you've forgotten me."

Ryan from Gym Class has come to pay his regards, I see.

He reached into his coat with both hands. "I was hoping to hear you say my name with your dying breath." He whipped his hands out and all I saw was a brief glint of metal before a pair of gunshots rang out.

Man, Glenn sucks at patrolling.

Here's where things get fuzzy for me, so I have to hand the story over to Crono for a bit.

So finally, after 3.5 pages of narration and exposition, Bardic has shown a slight tinge of humility and let another character talk.

Which would be cool, but it's basically just more narration.


Marle and I were watching the children with Atropos when we heard the shot. We told the kids to stay with Atropos as we raced for the entrance, where the sound had come from. We had our weapons with us, as an official part of our formal wear, so we made sure to draw them as we ran.

I'm not even sure Atropos got a passing mention in A Step Onto Chronos. Par for the course, really.

Along the way we were met by Glenn and Magus, who also had their weapons, and by the time we reached the entrance, everyone was there, along with Spekkio.

I stopped short on seeing Joe and Lucca laid out on the ground with blood almost pouring from the wound on their chests, but Marle wasn't stopped by anything as she reached Lucca's side to begin casting cure spells, Spekkio assisting Joe. I faced the strange man in black and demanded to know who he was.

”I once shot a man in Guardia, just to watch him die,” proclaimed beloved Country/Western icon Johnny Cash.

"That is no concern of yours. My fight was with him," the man said, pointing harshly at Joe's prone form with one of his strange-looking guns.

I retorted, "And you just attacked one of my best friends without provocation. That makes it my concern."

Come on now, you don't know it was without provocation. Hasn't Joe said something in your journeys that just made you want to shoot him? I rest my case.

That's when I heard a strangled gasp from behind me. I glanced back and saw Joe's son, David, behind me.

"Mom... Dad..." he whispered, behind me, before crying out. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

As he did, a bright green light appeared at the feet of the man in black before expanding into a U-Gate. As the man disappeared he gestured at David, crying out "Damn you, child!" But the U-Gate didn't stop there, expanding until it had engulfed all eight of us, plus Spekkio.

Spekkio: Hooray! People are paying attention to me!

I was caught up in the swirling energy of Gate travel when I lost consciousness.

"Each betrayal begins with trust."


Bardick's one of the last people I'd peg as a Phish fan, so I'm guessing he googled “betrayal quotes” and found this gem.


A/N: And so begins my next big story. Hopefully, this one won't take me as long to finish. The POV returns to Joe next chapter, as he wakes up on a beach in a place he's never been...


If you can guess who the "man in black" is, I'll see if I can figure out a way to give you, or a character of yours, a cameo in a chapter somewhere in the story. First person to guess wins!

And, yes, the person did appear in "A Step Onto Chronos."

So just for shits and giggles, I'll make an educated guess: Bardick's dumb friend from that chapter where he returned to his universe and found out that people apparently missed him. Other good guesses would be his band of Original Characters that quote Haruhi Suzumiya and pretended to be the Slayers, that robot he and Lucca created for some reason at the end of the last story, and Sephiroth. I'd go with his friend because he uses the word friend in the title.

Anyway, since I guessed correctly, here's my OC:

QUOTE ( 'Some Review on this Fanfic that I'm Stealing From')
His name is Shindou. He's 20. He has long, spiky black hair, Cold, calculating Silver eyes(that actually hide a warm, caring interior), and a Black scar running across his left eye-even though he covers it with hair-and a Skull mask. He wears a Skull eclipse punk shirt, black pants, and a tattered Black cloak that flows when there is no wind and simply Screams 'Watch yourself, I'm dangerous'.

His Final Scythe is Known as Reaper's Call, And has a bloody blade seemingly made of Bone with a terrifying Skull hanging off the handle, an edge so sharp it can cut an Air molecule, and a Blood red handle with a Demon Claw at the end.

Crossing Chronos Chapter One

More Than Time Travel

Shadic the Hedgehog

Disclaimer: Chrono Trigger and Chrono Cross are tradesnark Squaresoft. Characters not of either of those games belong to me.

See, you tried to use a sentence structure that makes you sound smarter, but all you did was complicate your syntax. Instead of “I don't own the characters,” you've said “All of the characters not in the original are owned by me,” which, if the fact that you liked quoting Star Trek and katana fighting Sephiroth is any indication, is incorrect.

I groaned, wondering why I was in such pain. I opened my eyes, but before I could see anything but the sky, I was hit by the memories of the previous night. The man in black. The gunshot. Lucca getting hit. Then just fuzzy sounds and sensations until a bright green light engulfed my senses.

Though I'm pretty sure Marle was healing Lucca before the light hit. Now if only I knew why the light seemed so familiar.

Ooh, ooh, let me guess: Luke Skywalker's green lightsaber?

"Hey kid, w- Whoa! Sir, are you okay?" I opened my eyes again, looking at an old man with a odd little creature beside him. I put my hand over the bullet wound and sent a jet of fire through it. I hissed in pain and the man jumped back in surprise from the flames that came out the other side.
When I pulled my hand away, the wound was sealed over. I then looked at the old man and replied, "I'm better now."

...You just shot yourself through the chest with fire. I get cauterizing wounds and all that, but it's still an affront to all mankind that you are alive.

Also the flames should have killed you.

I looked around and saw a kid, maybe sixteen years old, just getting up from the sand. I was sitting on a beach with exotic-looking plants on the other side from the water. The kid suddenly jumped up.

"Where's Leena?!"

The old man raised an eyebrow. "You two were the only ones I saw when I got here. Are you a friend of Leena's, young man? I believe she's babysitting in the village right now. Since you two are up and feeling better, I may as well head back to town. Be careful, you two."

Old man: Yep. Now that those two unconscious people I found are conscious, the best thing to do is to leave them by themselves.

The kid turned to me as the old man left. "So who are you?" he asked.

"My name's Joe. You?"

"I'm Serge."

"Nice to meet you, kid. Now, could you tell me where I am?"


"This is Opassa Beach. C'mon. Leena's probably worried about me."

We walked off the beach, and Serge lead me to an area filled with strange, flying fish monsters apparently called "Lizard Rock."

We fought our way through the area, Murasame in my hand and a strange weapon Serge called a swallow in his own hands. It was a weapon like a staff, save for the blade at each end, and Serge was apparently skilled in its use. I wouldn't have dared to use a similar weapon, as whenever I tried to use a regular staff, I would end up bashing myself in the forehead.

Using a bladed staff, aka a sword, is therefore the perfect solution.

Anyways, we made our way through, the fish monsters, something Serge called a "Beach Bum," and some lizard monsters not being too difficult to kill, and found ourselves a short distance from Serge's hometown, called Arni Village.

You know, I wonder, in kayfabe, how much “Joe” is supposed to know about Chrono Cross. He explicitly played it in the original fic, but that seems to not be the case here. Either Bardick realized how much of a crutch that was and abandoned it, or, more likely, he doesn't like CC and pretends it doesn't exist for his character's sake.

As we entered the village, Serge immediately ran towards the back of the town, nearer to the ocean.

If it's anything like MY hometown, the docks are where all the cool kids in Arni gather to smoke weed.

I hurried to catch up to him as he ignored everyone on his way. Standing on the docks was a young girl, probably about Serge's age, with long reddish hair and in a blue and brown dress. She turned as he approached.

"Leena!" he shouted.

"Who are you?" she asked. "Have we met somewhere before...? Oh, are you from Termina?"

Before Serge had a chance to reply, a young boy swimming nearby shouted, "HEEY! Yeah, YOU! Don't be tryin' to pull any moves on our Leena, you jerk!" Both Serge and Leena turned to the boy.

"Don't be silly!" replied Leena.

Yeah, no one likes Leena. She's one of the 47 characters that people actively avoid recruiting.

"And don't you go swimming out too far now, you hear!?"

"Oookay! Gotcha!"

Leena turned back to Serge. "I guess kids will be kids... Don't worry about them."

”I let three of them drown just last week. Babysitting's a lot easier when you don't worry about the kids.”

Serge turned as well, and said, "Don't you recognize me?"

"Hmmm... You know... You do look a lot like the boy who used to live next door to me..."

"What was his name?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I, uh, might've known him?"

Not very well, apparently.

"That boy... He... Died... He drowned when he was very young, about ten years ago... Soon after that, his mother passed away, too. I was still very young back then, myself, so I don't remember it well myself, but my mom says his name was... Serge..."

Serge shook his head, "But, I'm Serge!"

"You-you're Serge?" Leena blinked, then glared at Serge. "Don't do that, its not even funny! The boy is dead, don't you understand!?" She calmed down for a moment, looking back at the ocean. "I think, I kinda liked him, way back then... If that boy were still alive, I wonder what would've become of us?" She shook her head. "Sure is weird... Why am I telling you all of this, anyway? Well, there's no use thinking too heavily on the past, I guess. It's not like my Serge is going to come back..." She turned back to Serge. "You can find his grave on Cape Howl. Why don't you go and visit? No one's been there in a while... Good-bye... Stranger..."

She turned back to the ocean, and Serge walked up to me in a daze. I placed my hand on his shoulder. "Why don't you head into town for a moment, I want to ask her something."

Oh god. This fic was almost bearable for the brief interlude where you plagiarized dialog without being involved.


"Excuse me, miss?"


"What year is this?"

”Why, it's Christmas day, sir.”

"What? It's 1020, why?"

"I'm a time traveller, but I didn't know when I ended up. Thanks."

Leena looked at me skeptically. "O...kay... Whatever." As I turned away, I heard her mutter, "weird people today..."

And Bardick's bad habit of just having people believe his outlandish claims reemerges.

I followed Serge back into town and caught up with him before he got too far. "So, what year was it?"


"What year did you meet your Leena on that beach?"

"1020(just blaze), why?"

"Well, there goes my theory that you and I both time-travelled. Looks like it was just me. I can't believe I missed five years... You, on the other hand, must've universe-travelled."

Serge: Why golly mister, that sounds downright plausible!

That's how I'm predicting it'll go.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You're in a different reality than you were before. It happened to me a couple times, actually, but that was years ago. What say we visit your grave, then?"

"Don't say it like that! I'm not dead!"

"Chill, kid.

No, that's Serge. Kid is a different character entirely you clod.

I know you aren't dead, but in this reality you are. Hence, we're going to be visiting your grave. Which way is this Howl Cape?"

"Cape Howl, and it's to the west of Arni."

"Alright, then let's go!" I grabbed Serge by the arm and dragged him off.

And here returns Joe's wanton disregard in dragging people around like some kind of Dungeon Master. Never change, though I doubt you were trying.

Eventually, he shook my hand off and followed after, rubbing his arm where I had grabbed him. We went up the cape, fighting off a couple of Beach Bums and those lizard things again, before we reached the top.

And there, as Leena had said, was a grave. I stood back while Serge kneeled in front of it to read the words. He was muttering under his breath as he did, until he backed away, shaking his head in horror.

It turned out that the gravestone wasn't for Serge. It was for Surge, the soft drink, which proved to be an even more terrifying realization.

"So, you must be Serge..." said a voice behind me. I turned and saw a man in white clothes with long purple hair, who continued talking. "The ghost of the boy that died ten years ago..." Serge turned as well, and the man came closer, two men in golden armour standing beside him. One of the two was tall and skinny, while the other was short and fat.

Like Joe!

Serge came down beside me and the man spoke again. "It's no use. You can't escape that way. All you have to do, is come with us. Your friend can even come along as well."

The tall man spoke up, "But, Sir Karsh... Do you think it is truly true that this chap is a ghost? He seems like perfectly perfect young boy to me..."

I interrupted whatever "Karsh" was going to say next by purposely misconstruing the tall man's words. "You have an opinion on what a 'perfect' young boy is like? Gross, man. Just gross."

Why is it gross, Joe? Is it suddenly wrong for a dude to be into another dude? Where is your moral compass?

Karsh shouted in irritation, "It doesn't matter! We found the boy, just as that guy said we would, didn't we? Just seize him, already!"

Good for Karsh, not even deigning to acknowledge Joe's rabid bigotry.

As the two men in gold approached, a young girl's voice rang out. "Hold yer Seahorses!" Serge and I looked behind Karsh and his men to see a blonde girl in a red and white outfit, a dagger on a belt about her waist.

As Karsh demanded to know who she was, I whispered to myself, "Rosa...?" The girl ignored Karsh and jumped off the cliff she was on and landed behind Karsh and before us.

Oh that's right. You decided to rename Kid in one of your random eruptions of autism.

No, you can't get what you want. Her name is Buttz23 now and forever.

"Outta the way, missy!" growled Karsh. "You don't wanna get hurt, now, do ya?"

"Shut yer trap!" retorted the girl who bore such a strong resemblance to my adopted daughter.

"You're the ones who'd betta get outta the way!"

The short man in gold stepped forward, "You have a problem? Do you have a shakin' idea who you're dealing with, missy?"

What the shake did you just shakin' say to me you shakin' missy?

"That's enough!" commanded Karsh. "Listen up, junior! Our orders are to take you in. We don't wanna hurt you, just come with us, or else this axe o' mine will have to do the talkin'." He drew forth a large axe, and got into a fighting pose.

Buttz23 drew her own weapon and adopted her own fighting stance. "Fer cryin' out loud. Would ya just shut up and get on with it!? I'm gonna kick your sorry arses so hard, you'll kiss the moons!" Serge and I glanced at each other and shrugged, before drawing our own weapons.

"Fair enough. You leave us no choice. You'll regret this, missy!"

The two men in armour readied their halberds and charged in. As Serge charged in to attack Karsh, the tall man tripped him and said, "Sir! His innately innate Element colour attribute is White!"
Karsh replied, "Right!Quick, Solt, use a Black element on him!"

"How unfortunately unfortunate! I do not seem to have any, sir!"

"Idiot! You should always carry Elements of every colour! Peppor, how about you!?"

The short man replied, "I'm shakin' in my shoes to tell you this, sir, but I don't have any either!"

"Useless fools! Er, anyway, real men don't need magic when they can fight with their muscle!"

I'm in a bit of a dillemma, where I want to chastise you for plagiarism, but I also greet every instance of you doing it as a relief.

I helped Serge up and we charged back in to battle. Buttz23 was dodging most of the swings Solt was trying to hit her with, while Peppor was trying his hardest to hit Serge without being hit himself. Karsh and I, however, were almost even in our fight, his axe and the Murasame constantly blocking or being blocked. Suddenly, the girl who looked so much like my daughter jumped back, and glowed red, and series of fireballs shooting out of the ground in front of her to hit all three of our enemies.

Solt collapsed right there, apparently exhausted, so the girl moved to assist Serge, while I continued to fight Karsh. Peppor didn't last long against two agile opponents, and Serge and Buttz23 both moved to assist me. Serge stopped for a moment before glowing blue and a jet of water came shooting out of his hand which knocked Karsh backwards, allowing me to hit him with the hilt of the Murasame and knock the air out of him.

Man, puberty's a bitch in Arni Village.

Karsh dropped his axe as Solt ran away, and Peppor urged his superior to follow his example, before running himself.

"Damn cowards," complained Karsh. "As for you, missy, We won't forget this!"

"Oooh, I'm so scared!" mocked the girl. "I'll be happy to take you on anytime! Think I'd lose to scum like you? Hah!"

I stepped forward, "Great timing, Buttz23. But why do you have such an odd accent?"

How do you recognize her five years into the future? Also where was she at the Twilight Festival?

She blinked in confusion. "Buttz23? What are you talkin' about, mate? M'name's Kid!"

I stared before horrified realization dawned on my face. 'I had travelled to a different universe, too!'

I guess Bardick subscribes to the idiotic -yet-popular theory that Chrono Cross is not related to Chrono Trigger plot wise. Which makes sense really, since his knowledge of biology wouldn't have me doubting that he's an anti-vaxxer or 9/11 Truther as well.

It is easier to find a traveling companion than it is to get rid of one

Art Buchwald

And...that's all folks. The author decided to grace us with these two chapters and then abandoned the project to the ether. I'm not complaining.

Part of me, the masochistic side of me, is curious to how Bardic would have Joe fuck up the plot to Chrono Cross. The actual story is way too complex for Bardic to handle, so I'd imagine he'd simplify it quite a bit and just throw in some Progress bullshit around the time Belthasar shows up. He'd probably have to shack up with another character, since I'm sure he'd justify Lucca not being there. My god though, recruiting every character in Chrono Cross was repetitive and dull. I'd hate to have to read a chunk of fanfic where BardickTheHedgehog decides to cover every single side quest.

Thankfully for the sane part of me, that never has to happen. The story of Joe the Hedgehog ends here.

RIP BardicKnowledge: He never scored.

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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 23rd August 2017 - 01:24 PM