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> The human with a gem, Apparently a show about sentient rocks needed to be more edgy
Post #21

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post May 7 2017, 06:48 AM
I appreciated the implication that Max Power is working on a ray gun that shoots away bad words like some kind of brain bleaching power. It seems fairly out of left field though, seeing as how that's a pretty Steven Universe-esque joke and this dude is as far from a Steven Universe character as you can have.

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Post #22
Billybob Mcjoe

I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high functioning sociopath.

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post May 7 2017, 09:36 AM
@Billybob McJoe: If something doesn't make sense from now on, blame it on robots. Its what the author is doing

Oh good. That's so much easier than aliens to say happened

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I have a tendency to act like a pretentious asshole without realizing it. If you think that's happening at any moment, feel free to just tell me.
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Post #23

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post May 25 2017, 11:14 AM
It’s been a while, I must say. Life has a way of draining all your free time for important things. But now is the time to mock. So, last time we had Max being left high and dry on his not-murder investigation, the uncomfortable notion that he can fuse with Steven, and kindergarten levels of anti-vulgarity methods. Let’s see where it goes from there. Enjoy.


Chapter 13: Hints of Insanity

Things seemed to be all around happier, Max and Steven spent their time, playing in Funland or sharing stories and knowledge. The bond between them seems to be growing more with every interaction between them. Yet...there still was something that seemed to hinder their growing brotherhood.

I’m guessing not enough singing and not enough crying.

Unbeknownst to the both of them, they each hold dark insecurities and fears that harms them everyday...it's so easy to pretend the pain doesn't exist...but you can only smile for so long.

"Steven check me out!" He yells out as he jumps off the cliff on the temple and into the beach.

Well, story’s over everyone, Max finally took the plunge. Not only did he likely leap from a dangerous height, there’s at least fifty feet between the cliffside and the edge of the water.

"Yeah! That was awesome!" Steven chuckles as he enjoys watching Max swim around like a dolphin, even making a very good dolphin sound.

You’re sending very mixed messages with your angst opening, author.

"Hehehe" He soon comes out of the water, shivering a bit from the cold salty water.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I warm up fast." He sits down with Steven, enjoying the serene sounds of the ocean on this beautiful day. (Apologies to anyone reading this on a not so beautiful day)

While you’re handing out platitudes, why not apologize to anyone, who are actually having emotional troubles?

"Um….Max, I wanted to ask you something."

"Sure, you can ask me anything."

I really hope this isn’t about the birds and the bees.

"Well, I know you've been around for a while. You said you're around 70 years old...s-so um...do you miss your family? Or where you came from?"

"Hmm...interesting question. I'm gonna be honest, I can't remember much about my family or the neighborhood I grew up in. I think I subconsciously tried to forget about it because everyone there didn't encourage my way of thinking. My wish to be a hero, was always spit on. Once I left, I never looked back…"

Your wish to be a hero was always spit on?! First off, since when did you ever even attempt to emulate heroic behavior? Secondly, oh yeah, I’m sure there’s a lot of people that scoff at the notion of bettering your fellow man – helping others is for pussies. Fuck off with your angst bullshit, Max.

"Wow...well, I'm glad we can make you feel better here. You're always welcome to stay and be the hero you wanna be!"

"That means a lot Steven." The two enjoyed the rest of the day before it got dark and they went to bed.

Although...Steven couldn't shake away the feeling that Max needed help.

What a coincidence, me too. But I don’t think we’re thinking of the same kind of help.

He found it weird that Max had no family that cared for him. He wanted to do something...but unfortunately he fell asleep before he can think of anything. As he fell asleep though, his gem glowed slightly as he went to dreamland.

"...hello?" Steven was in a dark room, with only a door in a spotlight. Curiously he opened the door and peaked inside. *cue "do you believe in magic" in the background*

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I mean, aside from the half-assedness of utilizing the song, exactly what do you expect the lyrics would mean to an actual magical, alien hybrid?

"Wow!" He sees a land with beautiful fields, clear oceans, and a sunny sky. "This place is great!"

"Well I'm glad you like it." ...wait who said that?

Steven looks to his right to see someone sitting on a tree stump. He looked exactly like Max...but he had glasses, and was entirely blue, almost like Lapis.

Since Steven is obviously on another head-trip, what the hell does the musical wonderland imply about Max’s entire angst shtick?


"Close, I'm his intellectual side. You're currently in his mindscape, or dream world if you prefer."

Because, sure, everybody just have these self-aware, split personalities inside their brains – this makes total sense. But wouldn’t it make more sense for Steven to meet, oh I don’t know, Obsidian in here – the half-dormant gem stuck to Max’s fucking arm?!

"Really!? Wow, this is just what I needed to do, now I can find out how to help Max!"


"...what do you mean no?"

"I mean, I know you're a good kid, but interfering with Max's mind and snooping through his mind isn't the right thing to do. You need to- oh for the sake of Benjamin Franklin." He pulls Steven out of the way as another Max drove by them in a golf cart, close to running them both over. This Max was all orange and screaming wildly at the top of his lungs.

Okay, so Max is clearly insane – glad we got that established. Now, what kind of mental shenanigans logic does this follow? It feels like it’s ripping off Teen Titans, but I can’t be too sure.

"That ignoramus is going to ruin everything. You stay here Steven, I'll deal with this."

As the blue Max runs after the orange one, Steven can't help himself as he explores more of the place, finding many different versions of Max and his emotions. While exploring, he finds a big building that looks like a night club. At the front was a sign saying "Comedy club today! Bring in your best jokes!"

If it only opened today, that would explain how unfunny he has been up until now.

"This sounds fun, I wonder what jokes Max knows." Steven walks in, seeing many different colored Maxes laughing their butts off as a Yellow Max was at the mic.

"Okay. So a patient was sent to the hospital for surgery. When he woke up he said, 'Doctor! I can't feel my legs!' and the doctor said 'I know! I amputated your arms!'

Everyone absolutely lost it, laughing so hard. The infectious laughter and the joke got to Steven as well.

This is the kid who sympathized with snakes for not having any arms. I don’t think he’d find that joke funny.

"This seems really fun, is there anywhere I can sit."

"Oh hey everybody look, it's Steven Universe! It's great to have guest like you in our humble comedy club." Everyone cheers and brings out a seat and table for him, along with some complimentary apple juice.

Is this going anywhere, or is the author just wasting the chapter showing how lol random he can be?

"I hope you enjoy yourself." The yellow Max leaves the stage and a light orange Max comes up. "Okay this one is a bit long, so stay with me." Everyone listens closely. "So a gay guy-" He's interrupted as one guy from the audience audibly fakes snoring. Everyone cracks up, some telling him to "shut up."

"Pfft, everyone's a comedian. Okay, so a gay guy walks into a gay bar and walks to the bartender. He says, "Whose dick do I gotta suck to suck a dick around here?"

Steven, I think it’s time to go home now.

A few laugh hard but others groan. A red one gets his complimentary heckling tomato and throws it at the Max on stage. "Get off the stage! We gotta kid here!" Other's join, some aiming rocket launchers and blasting the joke teller off the stage. Steven chuckles a bit uncomfortably, but understands that the mind is very crazy and random, especially with so many emotions.

Don’t apologize on his behalf, Steven. For all you know the rest of his routine consisted of holocaust jokes.

A very dark blue and depressed looking Max walks up onto the stage. Steven looked at him a bit concerned, but everyone was interested to see what he would do.

"So you guys wanna hear a joke right?"

Meh, I’ll make my own, thanks.

"Yeah that's why we're here."

"Okay...well here's a joke...my life." He then pulls out a handgun and puts it to the side of his head, killing himself in the blink of an eye. Steven was horrified, but all of the Maxes were laughing incredibly hard, giving a standing ovation.

Give me one reason, fucking one, as to why Steven should at all hang out with Max after this shit-show of a psychic fever dream.

The blue Max's wound seems to heal until it looked like it never existed. He gets up and sighs before getting off the stage and leaving the comedy club. Steven follows after him worriedly.

"Hey wait! Max!" Steven calls out. The blue Max looks at Steven and sighs.

"Oh hey Steven. Sorry you had to see that."

"W-what happened up there?"

The author couldn’t stop reveling in his own artistic genius, making him entirely ignore that he’s traumatizing a kid in order to push his self-insert’s angst material.

"Well, I'm the suicidal and depressed side of Max. I'm not so evident in him with how happy he's become, but I still exist. I am every fantasy he has of killing himself, or disappearing from existence." He had this sad look to his face, as if he cried for years, and now he doesn't have any more years.

Boy, Inside Out would have been a very different movie with this guy.

"..." He didn't know what to say, all he did was hug the sad incarnation. "I'm here...I'm your friend."

"..." He gives a sad chuckle and tussles Steven's hair. "Don't worry...I've been here ever since Max was a kid...so much sadness...but it's thanks to you, Obsidian, and everyone else that Max has grown so happy." He hugs Steven and they sit there for a solid minute before Steven goes to explore more.

Steven should at least be relieved that this emotion-clone was just ‘suicide’ – and not ‘murder-suicide’.

He soon comes across an area where everything is growing darker. Almost like all the light is sucked into his large vortex. He felt his own body getting drawn to it. He reached out with his hand, only for the intelligent Max to grab Steven and pull him away.

"Gah! M-max!"

"I told you to stay put...I didn't want you to see this place."

"W-what is it?"

All the personality that Max lacks as a character, if I were to guess.

"...it's the crack in Max's sanity. At first it was so small, but it's grown more and more. It was dangerous at first, but now it's something we live with. We even managed to make good use of it and hide the more dangerous emotions of personalities."


"Well, not exclusively dangerous. We've hidden his fears, his sins, his lust, and so much more….."

Common decency was the first to go, I’m sure. How nice that Max escapes responsibility for his deteriorating mental state due to his deteriorating mental state.

"But, isn't it still needed? You can't put away the bad stuff."

"You're right, it's not healthy to hide it, so we let some of them be free as he dreams. I'm sure you already know one...his suicidal side."


Riveting dialogue, never have three periods said so much.

"I'm glad you helped him, but you can only do so much...the best you can do is be there for him while he is awake.

"Okay...i'll do it."

If you know what’s best for Max, Steven, you’ll call up your girlfriend’s mother and have her refer you to the relevant medical professional.

"Good, now it's time you leave." He pulls out a gun and fires at Steven, immediately making him wake up in bed. Steven looks to see Max still asleep despite the morning sun.

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Steven, for the sake of your own safety and mental health, throw this fucker out of your home and out of your life.

"...I promise to be here for you."


It drives me up the wall how self-absorbed not only Max is, but the author as well by proxy. By all rights, Steven shouldn’t get within thirty feet of Max for fear of yet more traumatizing events occurring. I get the author wants to establish Max and Steven’s friendship, but how are we supposed to believe it, when the more we learn about him, the less likable he becomes?!

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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Post #24
Billybob Mcjoe

I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high functioning sociopath.

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post May 26 2017, 07:43 AM
I would like to tell you Max's life story:

He was born when suddenly life decided to try and crush him, turning him angsty.

He ran into the gems and somehow managed to inhale a corrupt one while tagging along on a mission.

He disappeared and suddenly HE WENT INSANE!!!

He came back for no reason whatsoever and is now being a leech who pretends to investigate a bunch of tiny robots.

And that is the story of Maxwell dumbnitus.

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I have a tendency to act like a pretentious asshole without realizing it. If you think that's happening at any moment, feel free to just tell me.
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Post #25

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post May 26 2017, 07:50 AM
"Okay...well here's a joke...my life." He then pulls out a handgun and puts it to the side of his head, killing himself in the blink of an eye. Steven was horrified, but all of the Maxes were laughing incredibly hard, giving a standing ovation.

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Post #26

Critically Sarcastic

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post Aug 1 2017, 04:49 AM
I’ve been rather neglectful of this mock, so like a repentant divorce parent trying to gain custody rights, I’m going to give it all my attention from now on.

Quick recap: Our titular protagonist Maxwell Ignitus is an insane mooch preying on Steven’s hospitality, biding his time until he can fight anyone and anything that strikes his fancy. Oh, and there’s this plot about a mysterious villain, who managed to throw what amounted to an early Halloween party for the town. The Gems barely have any presence in this story beyond the part where Maxwell beat them in single combat to please the author’s ego, and Steven is only around to marvel at everything that Maxwell does. Let’s jump back into this mess and see where it can go from there. Enjoy.


Chapter 14: Killer Revealed

The Crystal gems...Steven Universe...Maxwell Ignitus… just a weak group of fools.

Does that statement include excessive ellipses and the people that use them?

Near a desolate factory far away from Beach City, or any real signs of life, was a junkyard filled with abandoned and rusty scraps of metal. A shadowy figure lives in this dilapidated area, and even calls it home.

Mr. Shadowy Figure should invest in some light fixtures and become Mr. Brightly Lit Figure.

There, the metal kept it alive. With the many scraps, it whispers "Don't worry, you won't be alone any longer...you will be created into something wonderful."

Oh no, he’s an artist!

With a terrifying grin, it brings the metal to the factory. With a clap of it's hands, the factory comes back to life, machines activating and bending to the will of the being.

Meaning our villain is either a technopath, or he’s installed a clap switch for convenience.

It chuckles happily while it clutches a strange sickly green gemstone.

"GIVE ME BACK MY SANDWICH LION!" Max yells as he runs after a certain pink lion who stole his chocolate ice cream sandwich.

This story puts less effort into its transitions than half of Tumblr.

"That is Max food, not Lion food! Amethyst, feel free to help!" Amethyst just casually eats popcorn as Max struggles to catch the thieving magical beast. Steven soon comes by and sits next to Amethyst.

"What's going on?"

That savage creature is trying to eat a stolen ice cream sandwich, and Lion is keeping it from him.

"Oh Lion just took Max's snack when he wasn't looking."

"Lion!" He pouts at the pink thief, albeit does find it funny how Max keeps coming close to catching Lion, only for Lion to just roar and teleport.

"MY SANDWICH! It was so young...I bet it was delicious." Max lays on the ground in over exaggerated disappointment.

When Steven – a young child of matching mentality – does this, then it’s adorable. When Edgelord Firestarter – a sixty-eight year old suicidal sociopath – does the same, it is less so.

"It'll be alright Max." Steven comes over and pats his head.

"Yeah I guess, I was so distracted by this letter I got, Lion took the sandwich right from under me."

"You got a letter!? What does it say? Who is it from? Is it from a secret admirer?"

And you’re telling me neither Barb nor Jamie raised an eyebrow at having to deliver your mail to Steven’s house?

"That's the problem. It doesn't say anything, just an address."

"An address? Maybe a...secret address?"

"Who knows. I'm gonna search the address online and see what I can find, I don't wanna go over to the address and find it out that I went to the sahara desert."

Please enlighten me, how were you going to find the place without looking up directions? Also, why do you even want to go there? You’ve just been given an address without as much as a “please come” to entice you.

With that said, Max types in the address on his phone...only to find it used to belong to a factory that specialized in cars, specifically vans.

"A van factory! Hey maybe if we go there, we can find stuff to modify my dad's van."

"Hehehe, maybe like find huge wheels, or an engine that can make it drive over 200 miles per hour."

I’m sure Greg appreciates the sentiment, but you’re basically planning extensions to another man’s home.

"Yeah! I'll go ask my dad if he can drive us there, you help get everything ready. This can be like our first road trip with you, me, and dad!"

"Sounds like a plan." As Steven runs off to the car wash though, Max had a strange feeling about the factory.

You mean there could possibly be something wrong with the unknown sender of the letter wanting you to go to a remote, derelict factory, and you’re stepping into this poorly laid trap with both legs like a moron? Nah, you’re overthinking this, Max.

He talked about it with the gems, asking if there was ever any gem activity in the area. As far as they knew, there was nothing dangerous about the area. That relieved Max a bit, yet he still had a bad feeling.

Two chapters ago, all you were whining about was finding the guy behind the mansion incident, which you had a bad feeling about beforehand. Are you really this incapable of connecting the dots?!

He wanted to tell Steven, but seeing him so excited, he just couldn't break it to the kid. Before he knew it, he was on the road with Steven and Greg. Only thing was, Steven accidentally fell asleep in the back, leaving just Max and greg to converse.

Oh boy, Max is going to have a conversation with a human being. What wondrous wisdom is he going to wax about this time, I wonder.

"So uh, Max right? How are you faring with all the gem stuff. I mean, being human at one moment and suddenly transforming? Sounds pretty scary." Greg asked to start up a conversation.

"Hehehe, yeah, it wasn't easy. I always had to wear gloves to hide what I am, learn how to control my powers. I can't tell you how many times I accidentally ripped opened a door because of how strong I became. But I didn't let it stop me, I continued to explore the world and gained better control.

He also didn’t let the demands of paying for repairing those doors stop him.

"Well that's nice to know, and it really makes me to happy to have you as a friend of Steven.

"It's no problem, he's an amazing kid...and I bet you're an amazing dad too, considering you never left him."

Excuse me, care to repeat that?

"What? I could never leave Steven, he's my son."

"I'm just saying, I've seen so many fathers leave their families behind for lesser situations than what you went through. Your lover gave her life to give you such a healthy and wonderful child. You easily could have just left him with the gems, but you instead chose to stay there and be the best dad ever for him." Max almost didn't notice that he was making Greg cry.

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I assure you, if Greg is crying, it’s from the absolute shock at hearing this obscene and insulting drivel that you’re spouting. You’re not giving Greg a compliment, you’re implying that anyone else would do what Greg didn’t – which is to abandon their only child because its mother died during childbirth. Make no mistakes, anyone willingly doing that would be lowlife scum, and Greg deserves plenty of accolades for being a great father, but he’s not great because he did what ANYONE with a single shred of moral fiber would do in the same situation. To say that Greg could have easily left Steven with the gems, is the same as saying you don’t understand the concepts of love or parental responsibility. And I cannot stress how utterly unsurprising that is given this story thus far.

"Oh uh, I'm sorry."

"N-no, it's okay. I just never had someone tell me that."

"I'm just speaking the truth...want me to take the wheel?"

"Y-yes please." Max smiled as they switched seats, letting Greg rest as Max drove to the address.

I can’t get over this. They’re driving cross state to some unfamiliar destination, just because they were sent an address in the mail. And no one is fucking suspicious about it. How gullible can you fucking get?

After about 3 hours, they finally made it to the factory. It seemed like no one could ever live in this place, let alone send a letter. The three looked around for any signs of life, yet found no one. Worst of all, most of the car parts found were either too outdated or too broken to be of any use.

Thanks for wasting Steven’s and Greg’s time, Max. I hope you have the decency to pay for the gas.

"I guess we came here for nothing. Maybe someone put the wrong address on the letter?"

"Well, it's okay. Maybe we can still have fun, 'roadtrip part two, the trip back home!'"

"Hehehe, yeah, well let's- ah!" Max yelped as he felt something pick him up from behind. The father and son gasped as they saw something emerge from the heap of scrap metal. A mechanized suit with powerful looking metal arms and legs, and in the center was a front of a truck, with a man covered in plastic trash, head to toe, hiding his identity.

This is either a discount transformer or that least interesting boss from Infamous. Either way, great job falling into the obvious trap, Max.

The headlights shine an ominous green at Max before the man, switches a lever, making the robot smash Maxwell into the ground.


“I think we found your secret admirer!”

"Steven no! It's too dangerous!" Greg could only watch as Steven ran toward Max and put up his shield to protect them both from the monstrous machine.

"Maxwell Ignitus, YOU'RE ROADKILL!" The man laughed as he switched more levers and out from the robot's chest fired giant blocks of metal. Max reacted quickly and grabbed Steven, jumping out of range of the attack.

Dude, the kid has blocked falling boulders and space ship lasers with his shield – stop patronizing him.

"Greg, take Steven and get out of here. Steven don't argue, I need you to call Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl and tell them to get here as fast as they can. I'm not sure if I can beat this guy alone."

Steve wanted to protest but Greg grabbed his son and took him to the van.

"Hey! Reject transformer! The Universe family is not your enemy, I am!" With that said, Max pulls his shotgun and fires repeatedly at the metal titan.

Because of course he’s already wearing his cloak-of-convenience, why do you even ask?

The man inside roars in anger and switches many levers and tries to smash Max. Maxwell was fortunately much faster, but his gun seemed useless. Putting his weapon away, he gets help from Obsidian and catches on fire, attacking the metal body parts.

"Your fire is useless, this suit is completely fireproof!"

But Steel types are weak to Fire, didn’t you ever play Pokémon?

"Well is it obsidian proof?" He jumps and elongates his obsidian hand until it becomes a sharp edge, and slices through one of the arms.

"Don't think you have won." With a chuckle, the mysterious man presses a button, and nanomachines pick up the am and instantly attach it to the body.

"Those nanobots….wait a minute."

Give him a moment, Mr. Shadowy Figure. He’ll figure it out eventually.

"That's right, the dinner party was my doing. I wanted to make everyone turn against you, but it seems I must do things the old fashioned way." He presses another button and the nanomachines latch onto Max's body, all of them too fast and tiny to get rid of.

"Goodbye Ignitus." He presses another button and the nanobots glow brightly before detonating, exploding with enough power to destroy a two story house with ease.

Golly, if only someone with an all-surrounding defense mechanism was here to help out. I could have sworn someone like that was dragged all the way from his home and out to this place, only for him to be entirely discarded without having had a point in being there.

"Well it seems that is the end." Just before he could walk away though in the mech, someone taps his shoulder. He turns to see a heavily damaged but still grinning Max inside the mech with him.

"How!? You should be dead!"

I’m sorry Mr. Shadowy Figure, the only thing dead here is suspense.

"It'll take more than a cheap trick to beat me. Now it's my turn to drive." As soon as he said that, he punches the man square in the face, and starts randomly flipping levers and pressing buttons.

The machine starts spinning, flashing it's lights, playing bad music, and doing the chicken dance.

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I swear, the tonal shifts in this mess are so wonky, it’s like going from shōnen anime to Looney Tunes in the same sentence. Steven Universe may have its fair share of comedic moments, but when it comes to violent conflict, the show keeps the tone severe. This is the kind of stuff you’d expect from a Tom & Jerry cartoon, and not one of the good ones.

Angrily the man pulls out his serrated machete and tries to slice up Max.

"Whoa! Easy there!"

"Shut up and bleed!" The man desperately slashed at Max, but fortunately Max was quite adept at fighting close quarters, easily dodging and delivering his own powerful strikes. The man yells out but then sees an ejector seat button he installed.

I guess it was a third priority after the music player and dancing routines.

With a grin he presses the button and launches Max out of the machine.

"Ow! My spleen!" He looks at the machine in a daze, only for a swift punch to send him flying. Max lands on a jutted out sharp piece of metal, making it pierce through his gut.

Started whining about that spleen a little too early, Max.

Max groans from the pain, trying to get out but was stuck and bleeding fast. The machine walks closer to Max, the man inside chuckling as he goes to claim victory.

"Come on! We gotta hurry!" Steven yells as he leads the gems to the junkyard and they look for Max. Steven sees Max was pierced and the robot walking closer. He was about to get the others, but Max suddenly grins as he looks at the bot.

Oh, hey, guys. You’re just in time for the self-insert to show off. On schedule as always.

"Well...this can't be fun for you." He chuckles softly, his eyes having a strange gleam to them.

"What do you mean?"

"Simple, you're going to kill me in that robot suit, but won't get the real satisfaction." At that, the man stops in his tracks.

"It just isn't as satisfying as killing up close with your own hands. The coldness of their skin, their blood dripping with its beautiful crimson color, their face showing all of the little emotions. Oh it's so wonderful to savor it...right?~"

Well, if you got baited here by an obvious trap, surely baiting the villain into a similar one is fair. May I remind everyone that Max has zero knowledge about this person, and doesn’t even know if his bloodthirst psychology can even work – and the fact that he’s using it doesn’t speak very highly of him with his mental health.

Max chuckles as the man walks out of the machine and brings out his machete.

"Right." The man grabs Max and raises his arm with the machete.

Yo, you guys on the sideline – ANY TIME NOW?!

"Just one more thing, one thing you never let happen….never let me talk." Max gives a horrific grin before blowing ash and smoke out of his mouth and into the man's lungs.

"Gah! DIE!" Max only grins as the man tries to slash at him, but then starts coughing feverishly. "W-what did you do?!"

Max then began to laugh. It was small at first, but it grew louder. The man desperately struggled more and more. It shook the listeners to their core. Steven wanted to block it out so bad, but couldn't stop listening. They looked aghast as the man began to burn from the inside out. He pulls off the plastic bag covering his face, showing an already burned face that was beyond recognition. The man falls onto the ground, burned to ashes. Max's terrifying laughter going out through the whole junkyard. It was the laugh of pure insanity.

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Why is this our protagonist? Who likes this character, in or outside of the story? What does he contribute other than misinformed worldviews and angst? On top of graduating from sociopath to psychopath, he has now killed the would-be villain, before we even learned the guy’s name much less his motivation for hating Maxwell. And again the show’s cast is put on the sideline to do nothing but gape at Max making a mockery of everything that defines human behavior. I would rather have Burnface McShadow as the protagonist, even as the pile of ash that he is now!


Now, if I were a speculative person, which I am, I’d guess that our dearly departed villain was out to get Maxwell for the sake of revenge. Guy has burn wounds, Maxwell lights himself on fire; it’s not hard to draw a connection. But we’re not even offered a single hint of such a connection in the story. Maxwell didn’t even seem to recognize the guy, and the trash mechanic entirely avoided the monologuing cliché in favor of emulating 90’ies action movie villains. I wonder what will happen next though, now that all pretenses have been dropped and Maxwell is now clearly insane.

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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Post #27

Critically Sarcastic

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post Aug 7 2017, 11:28 AM
According to the end of last chapter, Maxwell is now coo coo for cocoa puffs and has Steven and the Gems be witnesses to murder. Let’s find out in what contrived way this mess can be cleaned up. Enjoy.


Chapter 15: Break

The laughter….it echoes everywhere.

Sorry, I’ll try to use my indoor voice.

After the fight, the gems found a corrupted gem was powering the machine, which explained why it was so strong and fast despite being so clunky looking.

So it wasn’t nanomachines, son?

Worry was in Steven eyes as he looked over Max in bed. Despite what everyone was thinking, they brought him back to the temple so he can heal and rest. Steven used his healing spit, so the wound was closed, but his body still seemed to be in turmoil.

Why don’t you just try to set him on fire instead? It’s how he healed when he fought the gems, after all.

It's been two days since the incident, and Max was still asleep. Steven could sometimes hear the gems arguing about his safety concerning Maxwell and his...method of defeating the strange man.

Yeah, that’s kind of the thing, isn’t it? Max straight up killed the man – a burning, agonizing death. And he pulled it off like it wasn’t his first time doing it. How can the Gems even allow Max to share a room with Steven?!

It was impossible to decipher who the man was, he was far too burned to find any evidence on his body, and his home in the junkyard was literally just junk, nothing of particular interest.
What worried them most though, was Max. To laugh while they kill somebody...it seemed wrong.

Oh yes, because killing the man while remaining completely silent would have made it perfectly fine. He killed someone, author! Last I checked, Steven and the Gems were quite opposed to such methods. It’s the reason Bismuth was put in timeout – twice!

Despite this, Steven continued to believe in him.

"...Max...I don't know if you can hear me…but I don't blame you for what you did….I-I mean, that guy was gonna kill you so you….killed him." Even Steven couldn't believe his own words.

And I can’t believe you all just stood by and watched it happen. But then again, I probably would have done the same – while cheering the other guy on, of course.

Yes he still cared for Max...but he grew to have fear of him too.

"...I know this though...you're my friend...please come back soon." Just as he was about to leave though, he felt something grab him and pull him close. Max was breathing heavily and quietly whispered in his ear.

"Stay away from the dreams."

At this point, Max isn’t just asking for a restraining order, he’s outright demanding one.

After saying that, he immediately let go of Steven and passed out again. To say Steven was freaked out was an understatement. He was about to go tell the gems...but knew saying something could risk Max getting hurt.

Steven, the guy couldn’t be more out of line than if he was a Catholic priest – stop caring about this wretched and immoral creature!

Steven went to contemplate what he said, trying to understand why Max wanted him away from the dream world. He could only assume that he was in some sort of danger. No matter how much his mind told him that this was a bad idea, he still went to bed and focused on traveling into Max's dreams.

Because last time was just so wonderful, I can completely understand why Steven can’t stay away.

"...I...I'm back!" Steven smiles as he came back to the colorful land.

"Wait, time to get serious, there has to be a way to help...oh i know! I need to find the smart side of Max, maybe he can help." With a goal in mind, Steven ran off.

I question how smart this “smart side” is, when Max’s claims to intelligence so far has been to describe the sunset like a toddler and travel to a remote address he received in the mail.

What he found was...strange to say the least. While everything still was colorful and filled with different Maxes… everything seemed, lifeless. Like as if it was all just a still portrait instead of a movie.

"Uh, hello?!" The Maxes just ignored him and continued to silently walk around, their eyes blank as if they were walking corpses.

Yes, totally like a still portrait and not at all like a MOVING picture. Is there anything that you can accurately describe, author?

"Please don't be zombies. Please don't want my dream brain." he carefully walked past them all, the Maxes uninterested in him or anything. Some even walking into trees, yet still walking.

Just like last time though, he found the edge of Max's mind, finding the swirling vortex where his darker thoughts and emotions existed.

"Max! Where are you!? I can help!" Steven calls out for him at the top of his lungs, only for someone to poke his shoulder. Steven looks behind to see another Max, this one was a dark purple, with a strange black whispy air around him.

Evil color coding and noxious fumes because it wasn’t obvious enough already? Why don’t you just throw a goatee on him while you’re at it?

"Well hello there Steven, it's nice to finally meet you. Who is this Max you keep calling out to?"

"Um, nice to meet you, but how do you not know Max, this is his brain, you're a Max too right?"

" 'A' Max? Oh you mean the other emotions. No I am nothing like them...I am the original. I am the side that 'Mr. Ignitus' chooses to hide."

If I seem a bit distracted, it’s because I’m looking under my desk. Because I could have sworn I felt someone pulling my leg.

"W-why would he hide you?"

"Well, he's just ashamed of who he truly is…"

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I really hate this trope – the whole ‘evil, suppressed self” which is ready to spring forth during the subject’s moment of weakness. It takes psychosis and turns it into a villainous agent. Think about this for a moment. Purple Nurple says he’s the side of Max that he “chooses to hide”, and that he’s the “original”. But who other than the original could have chosen to “hide” this part of himself? The story is basically saying that someone can’t simply become a better person, they must necessarily tuck away all their malevolent character traits within their mind, and let it manifest itself as the psychopath, which is necessary for themselves to be to have this kind of mental schism in the first place. Tinky Winky here has no reason to fucking exist. He’s just another symptom of the Maxwell Ignitus syndrome – everything must be about him!

With a horrific smile, he starts laughing the same insane laugh that Max did before. The whole dream starts to rumble and crack, everything being destroyed.


He sounds like he has the same amount of fun, as the author did while punching those two keyboard keys over and over. Why else would there be an ‘A’ missing?

Steven wakes up with a jolt, sweating and panting heavily as he looks around. He looks to see Max is not in bed...and the gems aren't around either. He then looked outside to a horrific sight. Beach City...burning in flames.

It’s got to be some pretty big flames, if Steven can see it from within a house that faces the ocean.

Max was wearing a gas mask as he burned everything and everyone who crossed his path. He just was humming to himself as he continues to burn everything. He didn't like being unable to smell the ash and burning flesh, but he thought it was fun to hide his identity as he killed everyone.

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Then why wouldn’t he just use any other kind of face obscuring paraphernalia? It would make it seem a bit more original, too.

"MAXWELL!" He turns around and sees a furious Garnet, backed up with Pearl, Amethyst, Lapis, and a terrified Peridot hiding behind a boulder. Max just shrugs and pulls out his shotgun. Before he can fire though, Lapis summons two hands of water from the ocean to hold him down. Garnet walks over to Max and just says "Why?...why hurt them all?"

Max's voice was muffled by the mask. Garnet cautiously takes off his mask, revealing his terrifying smile and disfigured face. It was covered in scars and his eyes were a pool of madness.

Should I hope for an explanation of those scars, or should I just expect nothing to make sense from now on?

"Oh thanks for removing that, now you can see my beautiful face for what it truly is"

"W-what is this?" Garnet asked in fear.

The author turned his Mary Sue into a Villain Sue. I expect a very contrived and nonsensical showoff session full of asspulls and a disappointing payoff.

"Oh? Well it's simple." He evaporated the water arms with his heat and casually walks and talks to the gems. "You see, I didn't just leave my town. They hurt me so much, hurt me like this, and hid it all with just a surgically stitched on face. It looks exactly likely what I would look like if they never hurt me! The cruelty...they just hurt me over and over again, AND LEFT ME OUT OF THE FUN! So one day, my brain went 'crack' and I decided to play. First was my brother, I pushed him down the stairs and crushed his stupid head. Next was my sister, ripped her bitchy head off.

Then there was my dad, he tried to kill me by stabbing me in the chest, it didn't work. So I took the knife and stabbed him, 30 times to be exact. Then my mother. She was such a bore. She hurt me too, yet she begged for mercy. So I slit her fucking throat. The rest of the town I burned down, killing everyone who hurt me and never helped me. The Earth is covered with horrible people, so they are my targets for my fun game~"

This is getting utterly ridiculous. This story started out with Max being a suicidal teen, who felt caught in a bleak existence because his peers were negative influences. Now he’s suddenly a serial killer, who was maimed and had facial reconstruction surgery or some such bullshit. When the fuck did all this nonsense happen? If it was before he found Beach City, then there was no goddamn indication of it. If it was after he met the gems and Obsidian, then it makes even less sense, as he set out into the world instead of going back home. None of this makes a lick of sense, the author just simply wants his self-insert to be even more edgy than he already is.

"Maxwell...I'm sorry you were hurt, but that is no excuse to hurt innocent people! I never wanted to do this...but we-" Garnet was cut off as Max shot her point blank in the face.

"You don't know anything...now shut up and let's dance!" He cackles as he gave her a powerful kick, launching her into a building and making it collapse on top of her. He then looked to the other gems and smiles wider.

You’ve got to wonder what Obsidian thinks about this. You’d think that he’d need her consent to use any of his gem powers, but what the fuck do I know? I’m only trying to piece together the logic that arrived with half of the pieces missing and no manual.

Steven rushed out of the house and ran to the city. He looked for any signs of life yet saw nothing. Bodies were burnt beyond recognition, so many wonderful place destroyed. He wanted to lay down and cry, but he couldn't stop. Steven soon found the gems facing off with Max. Everyone was absolutely exhausted, and looked ready to drop. Yet Max just looked like he was having fun.

Insanity is the best super power, it cures all forms of exhaustion and makes you invincible – didn’t you know?

"Well hello Steven! Glad you could come! Grab a bucket of popcorn and enjoy the show!" He laughs loudly until Garnet yelled and punched Max square in the face, his smile still there. He just backs up and shakes his head.

"Can't let a guy have fun huh?" He dodges blow after blow as Garnet desperately tried to pulverize him.

How nice of the others not to engage in all that teamwork they usually do.

He then jumps a few meters away. "Well come on! Give me everything you got!" Garnet fell for the bait and ran quickly toward Max, ready to throw a punch. Max loaded something into a revolver and aims at her. "Come on!" With a bang, the strange bullet fires and goes straight through Garnet. Everything seemed to go in slow motion as Garnet slowly split apart into Ruby and Sapphire.

Magic bullets? Sure, it’s not like I expected him to only have conventional weapons shoved up his ass, cloak, whatever.

Everyone was shocked and Steven looked at the ground to see the bullet. He picks it up and looks carefully, seeing it was actually a piece of obsidian. It trembles in Steven's hand and flies back to Max's hand.

"My special obsidian bullet, it can pierce anything with the right power behind it."

Pretty much everything can pierce something if the right amount of force is put behind it, smartass. And since when did Max figure out how to use this, and why didn’t he use it during his previous fights?

He smirks as he picks up Ruby and Sapphire with clouds of smoke.

Because he can do that too, now. Prior establishment? Pff, whoever heard of such a thing?

"Now for the main event! Which gem to shatter first? Hmm, oh I got an idea!" With a sadistic smile, he puts the obsidian bullet into his revolver and spins the barrel. "Russian Roulette! You two will aim the gym at each other's gems, and we'll let luck decide who dies!" He laughs maniacally as he puts the gun in Ruby's hand and forced her to aim at Sapphire's gem.

Does this author not realize that Ruby and Sapphire are able to defend themselves without being Garnet? Ruby is a soldier gem, and Sapphire has cold powers – why the fuck are they being treated like helpless damsels?

"No! P-please! Don't make me do this! I love her!"

"Sorry~ But I don't believe in love. PULL THE TRIGGER" Ruby fearfully looks to Sapphire, but her future vision was failing her, every possibility led to either of their deaths.

You mean that in no possible future, there isn’t the slightest possibility of Pearl or Amethyst to so much as get a line in, much less form Opal and give Max a double-handed spanking? Rats.

"Hurry and do it, or I'll kill her myself~ FIRE!" Ruby cries as she pulls the trigger.


"Lucky you! Sapphire doesn't die, now it's her turn!" He chuckles and gives the gun to Sapphire, forcing her to take aim.

"How does it feel? Knowing that your future vision is useless to save the one you love?"

How would he know that? How does he even think future vision works? How much more over the top do you want to push this, author?

Sapphire's one eye was crying hard as she trembles in fear, not wanting to risk the possibility of killing her love. Before she can pull the trigger though.

"Stop it!" Steven yells at the top of his lungs, tears in his eyes.

"Oh Steven? Sorry but you shouldn't interrupt the show or I may have to kill you."

"I-I have a different game we can play."

"...a different game?"

"Yeah….if I can defeat you with one punch, you lose. If I don't, then you win."

Your definition of a game needs some work, Steven.

"Hmm...interesting. Okay then, I'll play your game." With a chuckle he takes his gun back and flings Ruby and Sapphire to the other defeated gems.

"Now come on. Hit me with your best shot!"

"...I understand you were hurt...but being evil is not the way."

"Evil? Oh please. If I'm evil, then may God strike me where I stand." After saying that, a bolt of lightning hits him directly, but doesn't do anything.

"Hah! Nice try jack ass! Next time bring your A game!"

A joke ripped off from Frieza in Dragon Ball Z Abridged by Team Four Star. This crime against a much more entertaining medium is only made worse, as the presence of a god in Steven Universe makes no goddamn sense. And, again, tonal shifts, you fucking jackass!

Steven shivers in fear but stands his ground. He kisses his fist and gives one strong punch to Max's forehead.

"Stronger than I expected, but still not enough to beat me." He was smiling but then loses it as he feels his wet forehead, seeing the saliva sparkle.

"...healing spit….clever boy." He then let's out a small chuckle, a more stable and happier laugh.

I’m pretty sure Steven’s spit would do jack shit against mental illness. It’s sort of the reason it doesn’t work that well on corrupted gems. And if it works now, why didn’t it do anything when Max was healed of his injuries before?

"Well I can't just let you capture and detain me that easily." The others look at him confused until he pulls out a strange hourglass. "I remember that story you told me Steven, how you traveled back in time. So I swam through and got my own. I'll make sure this never happens. Unfortunately this means...I'll go back in the dreamworld...forgotten again."

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Okay, now I’m starting to lose my shit. Seriously, I am legit angry right now. What is this, Max’s sixth or seventh asspull thus far? This hourglass is implied to be of the same kind that appeared in the episode ‘Steven and the Stevens’, which allows its holder to travel through time. It was destroyed by the end of the episode, so it can’t be the same one. Let me list the ways in which this makes no sense.

Firstly, the hourglass was known as The Legendary Glass of Time. Capital T-H-E plus legendary, as in a one-of-a-kind artifact. To think that a second one would exist is utterly idiotic. Secondly, why would Max, in a somewhat sound state of mind, go to the bottom of the ocean to find such an artifact without telling anyone? Even ignoring that, why wouldn’t the gems have gone to collect it, if it existed – that’s why they went there in ‘Steven and the Stevens’. Third, Steven couldn’t have told Max about how to go back through time, because Steven never travelled through time – an alternate timeline Steven did that. And that Steven FUCKING DIED when the hourglass was destroyed! Fourth, and this is just an aside, why the fuck is Mr. Murder n’ Mayhem here having a change of heart because of Steven’s spit?!

With a sad smile, the hourglass glows and he teleports to the past. His first stop was to his child form. He undid his chains and set everything in order for him to begin killing. He teleports to a later time. A person who escaped the carnage of the village. That man would become the mysterious man who made the robot in revenge. Just as he was about to send the letter to bring Max to the junkyard, time traveling Max kills him on the spot so those events to inspire his insanity never happened. He then travels back to where Max was about to jump off the cliff in the beginning of his story. The time traveler changes his voice a bit and tells that Max not to jump.

Aside from disposing of the trash-man, everything else here is just enabling the timeline to carry on as it was. Why not prevent Max from becoming a murderer in the first place? Why not seek redemption by letting him jump? Either of those would actually make Max repentant of his actions.

Traveling again before he could be seen. He see a younger Greg, who was dating Rose. Max puts a note for Greg, saying to never give up no matter what happens.

And now you’re just trying to suck up with pointless and possibly damning additions to the timeline. What if Greg took that as a hint to carry on with his music career instead of staying with Rose?!

With one last jump, he goes to the top of the temple during the new present time. Max never went insane, Beach City was safe, and everyone was happy. The time traveler lips at the hourglass and smashes it. He gives a sad chuckle as he looks at the sunset.

"...I-I don't want to leave.." He slowly turns into sand, disappearing from existence.

Yeah, that’s fine and all. But Max is still a mass murderer. This is doing nothing in making him more likable.

*Inside Max's dream*

The insane version of Max was in his room in the vortex, bored and bouncing a ball against the wall.

I know this is a mind-scape and all, but how the fuck does that even make sense?

He hears a knock and raises an eyebrow. "...don't come in, I'm in the shower~" The door opens anyways and there was Maxwell and Steven.

"...w-what are you two doing here?"

My words exactly. And I think it bears repeating. What the fuck are they doing here?!

"Well, me and Steven had a strange dream and….well we wanted to give you this."

"It's a cake and present!" Steven smiles as he gives insane Max the cake and a present box.

I hope Steven made the frosting say, “Why are you like this?”

"...enjoy." Max and Steven leave. Insane Max takes a bite of the cake, silently enjoying it. He opens the box to see little plushies of the Crystal gems, Steven, Max, and himself.

"..." He doesn't say anything, just has a small smile and hugs the cute toys.

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author's note: wow, this was a doozy of a chapter. Sorry if it isn't that good, what can I say, I'm a amateur writer.

You can say that again. In fact, allow me.

I hope you all enjoy this. And don't feel shy to send suggestions for chapters.


Insulting. That’s the shortest way I can describe this chapter. Not only does Nega Maxwell beat up all the Gems off-screen – including the one who could dump the entire ocean on his head – but then Max entirely escapes repercussions via a convenient and self-serving time travel reset button. The only effect this chapter has is to make it even more apparent, of how unlikable and volatile Maxwell is as a character, and why the Gems should disassociate from him.

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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Post #28

Critically Sarcastic

Group: Members
Posts: 522
Joined: 10-June 12
From: Denmark
Member No.: 660
Gender: Male

post Aug 15 2017, 03:57 PM
While the days of this forum are numbered, I should be able to get one or two more chapters done with before it closes down. Sadly, the number of chapters of this story far exceeds the allotted time, so their fate will be determined by whatever I do once Project After is gone. But enough about that, let’s get to the mock.

Last chapter, everything went to shit as Max proved himself to be the bane of everyone’s existence. It was all then subsequently fixed by ass-pull time travel – re-establishing the story’s status quo. And the name of said status quo, as it’s been throughout fifteen chapters now, is the life and times of Maxwell Ignitus. Fifteen chapters so far and everything is still about him. Let’s go into this and hope that it will finally change. Enjoy.


Chapter 16: Travels

A terrible event was prevented, but a new adventure still awaits.

Will Homeworld have to pick a number to get on Maxwell’s to-do list?

Maxwell and Steven were locked in a dangerous confrontation. An enemy that both struggle against.

"Don't do it! It's too dangerous!" Steven cried out.

"There's no other choice." Max said with a grim look on his face.

"...will you two quit being drama queens and hurry up?" Amethyst said while eating her sandwich, tired of their hesitation. The struggle was nothing more than cleaning the bathroom.

Considering how many people injure themselves in the bathroom on an annual basis, the author should have been playing this straight.

It really wasn't a big deal, but the two of them didn't really wanna do it, out of principle that it's boring.

"Well excuse me. I don't see you ever cleaning the bathroom. You just say it looks fine and Pearl does it instead. But since she and Garnet are out on a mission, Steven and I are the only ones to clean it."

And as far as I know, Steven is the only one to use it. Because the only stuff coming out of your ass are plot devices.

"Why not just wait for Pearl like I do then?"

"Well, we wanted to do this to be nice and help make things easier on her. She already cleans so much despite her dislike of messes."

"Whatever….oops." She pretends to accidentally drop a piece of salami from her sandwich onto the bathroom floor.

"That's disgusting. I am ashamed of you." Max glares at her, Amethyst just laughs and walks away.

Trying to shame the shameless is a foolish endeavor.

"Ugh, let's do this." The two finally get started, cleaning up any dirt and grime in sight, intent on making it so clean that even Pearl would eat off the floor….okay maybe that level of cleanliness is impossible, but they still tried.

Yes, quite impossible seeing as Pearl wouldn’t eat in the first place.

After around an hour, they finally leave the bathroom sparkling.

"Finally! I thought we'd never finish." Max looks at their handiwork with a smile. Lion curiously walks onto the lemon scented tiled floor, sliding around comically.

"Hehehe, I believe we deserve a reward."

I’ve sat through fifteen chapters of this story, when do I get mine?

"I agree Steven." Max and Steven go and indulge in some pretzels and relax until they see the warp pad light up, and an exhausted Pearl and Garnet step out.

"You two sure seem tired, what happened?"

"It wasn't just one corrupted gem, turns out their was a whole pack! There were too many and they were so fast, we-"

"We had to retreat." Garnet finished for Pearl.

As much as I’d like to interpret this weak excuse as Pearl and Garnet sneaking off for some Sardonyx time, the author’s poor understanding of future vision means this is legit.

"A smart choice, now you got us for help." Max and Steven start flexing and posing, trying to show how they are proper candidates for the mission.

"Absolutely not! Until we come up with a proper plan, no one is allowed to use the warp pad and battle those beasts." Pearl and Garnet go to their rooms, leaving a disappointed Steven and slightly peeved Maxwell.

The violence-fixated protagonist is getting blueballed. This doesn’t bode well.

"Aw man, I wanted to help."

"Me too. I bet with you, me, and Lion, we'd beat the whole pack without any problems."

"You really think so?"

"I know we can." With a grin, he divulges a plan with Steven.

Don’t you just love how you spend four seasons watching a character grow into a responsible and competent person, only for some two-bit hack with a keyboard to ruin it in an afternoon?

Hours pass, it was dark and everyone went to their proper quarters to rest...except for a certain duo. Steven puts a pillow under his blankets as a decoy. Max gets a certain treat to attract Lion as he gets closer to the warp pad.

"Here kitty, come get the Lion Licker." He chuckles as Lion walks in an almost trance like state after the yummy treat, despised by Steven.

"I still don't understand how he likes those."

Might have something to do with felines only having a fraction of the taste buds that we do, and thus their sense of taste if dulled, especially when it comes to sweet things. Much like how this story only has a fraction of the narrative wit that the show has.

"Whatever works, right? Okay, he's on the warp pad. Do it warp master."

"You got it dude!" Steven smiles as he warps the trio for their quest.

The three of them appear in a desolate forest, seemingly devoid of life.

Same as the junkyard, so that description doesn’t exactly leave a good impression.

Lion didn't look happy about being tricked, but begrudgingly followed as Max and Steven cautiously looked for the corrupted gems. Soon they encounter a clearing in the woods and hide in the bushes, looking upon two wolf like creatures with a white form, speckled with blue spots. They looked almost like regular wolves, except for their singular red eyes and long slithery tongues.

"Okay, on the count of three, we'll jump out and surprise them."

"Oh, a surprise party? Is it their birthday?" One of the wolves growl, their sensitive ears hearing them.

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I am amazed, author. Amazed and abhorred at this abysmal character portrayal. Throughout this story, you’ve written Steven like a toddler – a naïve, bleeding-heart font of wonder and adoration for your self-insert to claim as a pet. It’s been hard enough to stomach it thus far, but this? Not only is this kind of behavior inexcusable for Steven after the first ten episodes of the show, even here he knows what him and Max are there for – to hunt corrupted gems – and it sure as shit isn’t to throw the wild and dangerous monsters a surprise birthday party, you low-brow pillock!

The closest one pounces on Maxwell and tries to tear him limb from limb.

"Gah! Steven! Help!"

"Uh, happy birthday?" The wolf uses it powerful jaw to fling Max away and growls at Steven.

Before it can attack though, Lion swipes at the wolf with his claws, launching the wolf into the air and making it poof.

Finally, someone that can act competent in this story. Who needs a mentally unstable human-gem amalgamate when you’ve got a pink zombie cat?

"Ugh, no gem huh? These are probably just minions. Don't hold back!" But Max was too late as the second wolf howls loudly, attracting the attention of the others. It seems Pearl wasn't kidding about their numbers. There seemed to be more than twenty of them.

So, what have we learned about listening to adults, Max?

"Well, this got interesting." The trio get in formation as they get ready to fight. Maxwell pulls out a smoke bomb and throws it at the ground. The wolves dove for the middle, but using the smoke to his advantage, Max takes out a knife and pistol, using well coordinated combos of either stabbing one wolf, bashing another with the butt of the knife or gun, and firing at close range.

Well-coordinated in the middle of a smoke screen while fighting two dozen enemies at once? Remind me to check off ‘delusional’ on Max’s report card.

Steven uses his shield to push the enemies back and bash their heads with it, sometimes expanding his bubble shield to drive the wolves away. Lion uses his size and roars to his advantage, taking out plenty of wolves, left and right. Just when it looked like they were winning, the ground rumbled as the alpha appeared. This one seemed to have the real gem in it's chest. It was twice the size of the other wolves, and with two mouths, both drooling and growling.

Twice the huff, twice the puff.

"Uh oh." Was all Max had time to say before the beast swiped at Max. He quickly jumped up and pulled out his shotgun firing directly at the beast's face, albeit doing little damage.

"No effect huh? Well try this on for size!" Max bursts into flames and rapidly beats down on the beast's back, causing it to howl in pain.

Did he fireproof his ass-pull cloak, or is accounting for its existence just an afterthought?

"I gotcha Max!" Steven gets under the wolf's belly and expands his bubble shield until it flips over the wolf. With the wolf dazed, Maxwell dives and gives one last punch to the beast, making it poof before he hit the ground. Steven finds the corrupted gem and bubbles it before sending it with the others.

"Told you we can do it, woohoo!" Max does a victory pose and Lion just rolls his eyes.

Aside from them having an extra team member, exactly how were Pearl and Garnet unable to beat this thing, yet this rag-tag team did?

"Awesome, I can't wait to tell Pearl."

"She's gonna flip when we tell her." The trio head back to the warp pad. Steven and Max get on, but Lion seems cautious.


"...Maybe he thinks there is food around. Well whatever, he can warp back to the temple when he wants to. Let's go Steven."

"Okay." Just as Steven activates the warp pad though, a strange shadow looms over the two. Seeing the threat, Lion roars at the figure. Strangely his roar intertwined with the warp pad, causing the ground to tremble and the light surrounding Max and Steven to waver.

Oh, what fresh nonsense is this?

"What's going on!?" In just a matter of moments, Steven and Max vanish in the blink of an eye. Lion is wide eyed and looks around, but then sees the figure get back up. Lion growls before pouncing.

Light...darkness...it looks as if space and time have no meaning.

Seems like an accurate description of this story in general.

It is impossible to focus. Despite this, only one thought goes through Max's mind. "Where is the theme of Doctor Who when you need it most?"

Why don’t you reach a bit deeper into your bullshit cloak, maybe you’ll find it among the fourth wall rubble.

The duo looks on as they are carried by the vortex, a new destination awaiting them.

Author's note: Now begins the multi dimensional arc. Max and Steven will travel to different universes where the world of Steven Universe is altered in many different ways. I will have them travel to different worlds based on SU comics or fanfics.

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Nothing says being bankrupt for ideas more than having to resort to ripping off other people’s fanworks to supplement your own. This story has been full of contrivances and left-field idiocy, but to have Lion’s sonic roar interfere with the warp pads for interdimensional travel tops it all. I really, really hope the author doesn’t handle this like he did his emergency time reset in the previous chapter – because consequence-free hijinks through alternate dimensions is some of the most annoying plot progression I can imagine.

First they will travel to a world where everything has gone wrong. As far as I know, I plan to try and have the "Mom Swap AU", and the fanfic "A Leader's Call" by skydarius11.

From a glance at that story, I’m not impressed. It seems like an overly edgy rewrite of the plot set after the episode Jailbreak, where Jasper ends up torturing Steven after the spaceship crashes. It’s not surprising you’d grab it for your fix, author.

Feel free to send suggestions of what AU you would like to see in my little story. Please enjoy.

Why not use whatever alternate timeline your psychotic self-insert has spawned off, just so we can hammer it in one more time how stupidly angst-ridden it was?


All bets are off now. We have an alternate universe fanfic diving into alternate universes. Whatever comes next, it’s not going to make any sense. I goddamn guarantee it.

"So... preparing to storm into the room, you jostle your badger, kick down the door, and throw it at the thug standing inside." - Moment from my D&D campaign.

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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 21st August 2017 - 11:30 AM